Part 24

[105.] When that _Scogin_ had taught his scholler that hee with helpe might be Sub deacon, he said to him, thou shalt goe to take orders, and I will go with thee. And if thou dost stand in any doubt, take heed to my booke, and give an eare to me, and I will helpe thee as much as I can. When all they that should take orders, were come to oppositions, _Scogin_ did come forth with his scholler. And the Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter; which was this, _Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum_. _Scogins_ scholler was blanke or amazed. Sir, said _Scogin_ to the Ordinary, you shall understand that _Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum_, were unhappy fellowes, for they did trouble the children of Israel, and if they trouble my scholler, it is no marvell: but now I doe tell thee, my scholler, be not afraid of _Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum_, for I will stand beside to comfort thee, for _Moab, Agareni &c_ can do thee no harm for they be dead. By reason that _Scogin_ did so oft repeate these words, the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid: and through _Scogins_ promise, the Ordinary was content that his scholler should take Orders, and be Sub deacon. After this when the orders were given againe, _Scogin_ did speake to his schollers Father, to send in a letter three or foure peeces of gold. The Schollers Father was content so to doe; so that his son might be Deacon. Then said _Scogin_ to his scholler, thou shalt deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth sit in oppositions, and as soone as he feeleth the letter, he will perceive that I have sent him some money, and he will say to thee _Quomodo valet magister tuus?_ that is to say, how doth thy Master? thou shalt say _Bene_: that is to say, well. Then will he say, _Quid petis?_ What thing doest thou aske? Then thou shalt say, _Diaconatum_, to be a Deacon. Then the Ordinary will say, _Es tu literatus?_ art thou learned? & thou shalt say _Aliqualiter_, somewhat. Now said _Scogin_, thou hast no more than three words to beare in mind in Latine, which is to say _Bene_, _Diaconatum_, and _Aliqualiter_. The father and the scholler were glad that by _Scogins_ letters & the money he should be Deacon, & went to the oppositions, and delivered his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiving money in the letter, said to the scholler. _Quid petis?_ that is to say, what dost thou aske or desire? The scholler remembring _Scogins_ words, that the first word was _Bene_, he said _Bene_, that is, well. When the Ordinary heard him say so, he said _Quomodo valet Magister tuus?_ How doth thy Master? The scholler said, _Diaconatum_ that is to say Deacon. The Ordinary did see he was a foole, & said, _Tu es stultus_, thou art a foole: the scholler said _Aliqualiter_, that is to say, somewhat. Nay, said the Ordinary not _Aliqualiter_, but _Totaliter_, a starke foole. Then the scholler was amazed, and said, sir, let me not goe home without mine Orders, and heere is another Angell of gold for you to drinke. Well, said the Ordinary, on that condition you will promise me to goe to your booke and learne, you shall bee Deacon at this time. Heere a man may see that money is better than learning.

[17.] In a wedding between a Gentleman of a great Family and no Wealth, and a Widdow of great Wealth; says one This is like a Black pudding; the one brought _blood_, and the other _Suet_ and _Oatmeal_.

[110.] In the beginning of Queene Elizabeaths raigne, when the order of hanging out lanterne and Candlelight first of all was brought up; the bedell of the warde where Maister _Hobson_ dwelt, in a darke evening crieing up and downe, hang out your lantornes; using no other words. Whereupon Maister _Hobson_ tooke an empty lantorne, and according to the beadles call hung it out. This flout by the Lord Maior was taken in ill part, and for the same offence was sent to the counter; but being released, the next night following, the beadle thinking to amend his call, cried with a loud voice, hang out your lantorne and Candle. Maister _Hobson_ hereupon hung out a lantorne and candle unlighted, as the beadle againe commanded, whereupon he was sent againe to the counter. But the next night the beadle being better advised, cryed, hang out your lantorne and candle light, hang out your lantorne and candle light, which maister _Hobson_ at last did, to his great commendations, which cry of lanthorne and candle light is in right manner used to this day.

[94.] One observ'd it to be a good fashion that was worn now a days, because the Taylors had so contrivd it, that there was little or no Waste in a whole Suit.

The illustration to this satire on drunkenness (which is dated September 1652) is indebted for its point to the foxes, it being then a cant term when a man was drunk to say he was _foxed_; the geese denote the foolish behaviour of men when under the influence of drink.

BARNABIES SUMMONS:

or,

Paie your Groat in the Morning.

[113.] Intended for all Malaga Men, called Vintners, Sack drawers, White wine, Claret, Rhenish, Bastard Sherry, or Canary Blades, and Birds, together with all Ale Brewers, Beer Brewers (alias) Hogshead fillers, Barrellers, Tapsters, or Firkinners: As also for all Drawers, Tub Tapsters, Quaffers, Huffers, Puffers, Snuffers, Rufflers, Scufflers, and Shufflers, with Wine bibbers, Sack suckers, and Toast makers; not forgetting other depending Officers of a lower Rank, of our stumbling Fraternity, viz Bench whistlers, Lick-wimbles, Suck spigots, Hawkers, Spewterers, Maudliners, Fox catchers, including in the said Warrant as a Reserve, our true and trusty Friends for the speedier effecting our designe and purpose, All Vulcans, Crispins, Tinkers, Pedlars, and of late our endeared friends, the Society of Upstart Printers, and Newes Mongers; and excluding by special command, all Three peny Ordinary Sharks, as Bakers, Weavers, Tailors, Usurers, Snip Eared Scriveners, Presbyters, either English, Scotch, or Dutch, (but stay there a little) for though the last of these be good for nothing else, yet they are stout Drinkers and Drunkards; and therefore if they please to tiple as formerly they have done, and must doe now, they shall have the benefit of this our Warrant, provided they neither drink all, nor too much; our Warrant for the generall content of all BONOS SOCIOS is set out in maner and forme following, that all whom it may concern (as it does too many) may, if they can stand, understand it.

The WARRANT.

Know all men by these presents, that we, Sir _Resolute Rednose_, of the Town of _Taplow_, in the County of Cumberland, with our dear and trusty Cosins Sir _Ferdinando Fiery Face_, Lord _Sigismund Ruby Nose_, together with our associates and fellow Commissioners, Sir _William Swill-boule_, Sir _Gregory Toss-pot_, Sir _Thomas Spend-all_, Sir _Alexander Dry lips_, Sir _Lewis Lick-Spiggot_, _Edward Barley_, _Thomas Maltster_, _Richard Brewer_, and _Geffery Tapster_ Esquires &c. By vertue of a _Mandamus_, or a _fieri facias_, issued unto us from the great Wine Cellar in _Bacchus_ Prerogative Court, near to Stumbling Alley, from the Lord _James Fill-Pot_, and Signeur _Jeronymo Tap-lash_, do Enact, appoint, and ordaine, that any and every person, male or female, of what Countrey soever, being taken so drunk, that they are without wit, sence, or reason, shall forthwith pay to the under Officers herein named, viz, to John _Bottle nose_, _William Suck-all_, _Gerard Turn-Tub_, and _Jenkin ap Morgan_ of _Ale-ton_, or to their Deputy, or Deputies, the full and just sum of 4^d without any resistance or delay upon the next Morning; but in case of any of the Delinquents in the Premises, shall be so ingenuous as to confesse their fault without distraining, that then this Penalty shall not exceed above 2^d. But in case the parties are resolved to ride the old ridden Jade called _Cut_, or a Dog of the same Haire[F. 221] next morning, without any remorse, and will presume to hunt the Fox againe, that then our said Bayliffs, and Deputies are forthwith either to joyne with them, or else to suspend the execution of this our said Warrant, till he or they may be sober, which is much feared will not quickly be effected; and therefore, for the better and surer progresse herein, that Justice may be the sooner executed, we enjoyn all Constables of Burroughs and Parishes as well high as Petty, to be assisting to this our merry Warrant, and do desire them if they or any of their substitute Officers can find leasure from sleep, or their nodding benches, to examine the Premises and Persons, to shew due respects unto them, considering well that the case and cause not only hath been their own, but suddenly and shortly will be again, as soon as they can either meet with merry Company or good moneys. Hereof they or any of them are not to faile at their utmost perils.

To all Constables, Head boroughs, and other petty Officers, and stout Drinkers, whom this specially concernes.

Given at our Mannour of _Flushing_ in the _Full Moone Tavern_ at Sun rising

Anno 155432.

Upon the last day of the first of March.

_Ut Supra._

[Footnote 221: _Sic in orig._]

[26.] One told a Story (which he swore was of certain as you know all these things are,) For, says he, I was riding to Saint _Albans_, and riding through a Lane, that was of stiff Clay, as I was galloping, my Horses foot sticking in, pluckt off shoe and hooff too, and so I gallopt on for three or four Miles; and my horse never complained, that I never saw a horse gallop so well on three legs in my life; at length he began to limp, then I lighted to see what he ailed and found both shooe and hooff gone; so, fearing to pay for the horse, got presently up agen, and gallopt as fast as I could drive; and fortunately my Horse leg lighted agen in the same place, and pull'd up hooff, shoe and all, which was better fastened than when I came out; and so I performed my journy, and got that night as far as I rid.

One evening as Cold as Cold might be, [91.] With frost and haile, and pinching weather, Companions about three times three Lay close all in a pound together. Yet one after another they tooke a heate, And died that night all in a sweat.

_Resolution._ A pound of Candles.

=Dead and Alive.=

This DITTY out of _Gloucestershire_ was sent, To _London_, for to have it put in Print; Therefore draw near, and listen unto this, It doth concern a Man that did Amiss; And so to shun the Anger of his WIFE, He thought with Poyson for to end his Life, But instead of Poyson he drank Sack, For which his Wife did soundly pay's back--

To the Tune of _Old Flesh_ &c.--

There was a shaving Royster, [114.] as I heard many tell, In _Michal-Danes_ fair forest, in _Gloucestershire_ did dwell;

Some call'd him _William Wiseman_, but in that they were to blame, Some call'd him _Leonard Lackwit_, but that was not his name; His name was _Simple Simon_, as it is well approv'd, And among his Friends and Kinsfolks, he dearly was belov'd: He capor'd and he vapour'd and he liv'd a merry life, But yet, good Man, at all times, he could not rule his Wife.

His Wife she was a Woman, that lov'd a cup of Sack, And she would tipple soundly, behind her Husband's back; A bottle she had gotten that would hold two quarts or more, Well fill'd with wine she hang'd it behind her chamber door: And she told unto her Husband that it was poyson strong, And bad him not to touch it, for fear of doing wrong: If thou drink but one drop on't, (quoth she) 'twill end thy life; Therefore in time take heed, and be ruled by thy Wife.

This Simon's wife had plenty of fatting hogs and pigs, With geese, ducks, hens, and turkies, that laid great store of eggs: Both Sheep and such like cattel, fine ews and pritty lambs, Which up and down the forrest did feed, and suck their dams; She put trust to her Husband to look unto them all, To keep them safe from danger; now mark what did befal: He did his best endeavour to shun all sorts of strife, And yet through strange misfortune he could not please his Wife.

One morning she sent him to field to keep her sheep, And charg'd him to be watchful, and take heed he did not sleep: A piece of bread and butter she gave him in his hand, Whereby she made him promise to do as she did command. But see what happened to him, when he came to the field, He fell asleep, while foxes three of his lambs had killed: This bred a great dissention and rais'd a world of strife, Till _Simon_ for his fault had beg'd pardon of his Wife.

Another day she sent him her ducks and geese to tend, And charg'd him on her blessing, he should no more offend: Her goslins and her chickens with him she put in trust, Who took a stick and told them, for they were twenty just: But a woful chance befel to poor _Simon_ before night, For seven of his chickens were took prisoners by the kite: This vexed him, and it made him half weary of his life, For he knew not what answer to make unto his Wife.

Next morning when that _Simon_ was sent to milk the cow, Another strange mishap there was done to him by the sow; For whilst that he was driving the little pigs away, The sow came into the dairy-house and swill'd up all the whey; The cheese out of the cheese fat she did both tear and hawl, And so threw down the cream-pot, and made an end of all: Wherewith she burst her belly, and so she lost her life, And poor _Simon_ knew not what answer to make unto his wife.

When's Wife came in the dairy-house, and saw what there was done, A strong and fierce encounter she presently begun; She pull'd him by the ears, and she wrung him by the nose, And she kickt him on the belly, while the tears ran down his hose. And she vow'd to be revenged before the morrow day, For all the brood of chickens, which the kite had carried away: Poor _Simon_ stood amazed, being weary of his life, For he good Man was tired with his unruly Wife.

For when that he perceived his Wife in such a rage, Nor knowing how, nor which way his fury to asswage: He cunningly got from her, and to the chamber went, Thinking himself to poyson, for that was his intent; So coming to the bottle, which I spoke of before, He thought it to be poyson, which hung behind the door: He vow'd to drink it all up, and end his wretched life, Rather than live in thraldom, with such a cursed Wife.

So opening of a window, which stood towards the South, He took the bottle of sack, and set it to his mouth: Now will I drink this poyson, (quoth he) with all my heart; So that the first draught he drunk on't he swallowed near a quart: The second time that he set the bottle to his snout, He never left off swigging, till he had suckt all out: Which done, he fell down backward like one bereft of life, Crying out, I now am poysoned by means of my cursed Wife.

Quoth he, I feel the poyson now run through every vein, It rumbles in my belly, and it tickles in my brain; It wambles in my stomack, and it molifies my heart, It pierceth through my members, and yet I feel no smart; Would all that have curst wives, example take hereby, For I dye as sweet a death sure, as ever man did dye: 'Tis better with such poyson, to end a wretched life, Than to live, and be tormented with such a wicked Wife.

Now see what followed after, his Wife by chance did walk, And coming by the window, she heard her _Simon_ talk; And thinking on her bottle, she up the stairs did run, And came into the chamber, to see what he had done; When as she saw her Husband, lying drunk upon his back, And the bottle lying by him, but never a drop of sack: I am poyson'd, I am poyson'd, quoth he, long of my Wife, I hope I shall be at quiet now I have lost my life.

Pox take you, are you poyson'd, (quoth she) I now will strive, And do my best endeavour to make you run alive: With that a quill of powder she blew up in his nose, Then like a man turn'd antick, he presently arose; So down the stairs he run straight, into the open street, With hooping and hollowing, to all that he did meet; And with a loud voice cryed out, I am raised from death to life, By virtue of a powder, that was given me by my Wife.

Some folks that did behold him, were in a grievous fear, For seeing of a Madman, they durst not him come near: He leaped and he skipped, thorow fair and thorow foul, Whilst the people gaz'd upon him like pyce upon an owl: His Wife she followed after, thorow thick, and thorow thin, And with a basting cudgel she soundly bang'd his skin: And thus poor _Simon_ cryed out I'm raised from death to life, By virtue of a powder, that was given me by my Wife.

At last a friend of _Simon's_ which was to him some kin, By fair and kind persuasions, open'd door and let him in; He sent for _Simon's_ Wife, and so made them both good friends, Who kindly kist each other, and so all discord ends; The Neighbours all rejoyced to see them thus agreed, And like a loving couple to bed they went with speed. No doubt but _Simple Simon_ that night well pleas'd his wife, For ever since that time, he hath lived a quiet life.

_London_: Printed by and for _W. Onley_,[F. 222] and _A. Melbourn_;[F. 223] and sold by the Booksellers of _Pye Corner_ and _London Bridge_.

[Footnote 222: Published between 1650 and 1702.]

[Footnote 223: Published between 1670 and 1697.]

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) was making merry with three or foure of his friends in Pye Corner; where the Tapster of the house was much given to Poetrie: for he had ingrossed The Knight of the Sunne, Venus and Adonis, and other Pamphlets which the Stripling had collected together; and knowing _George_ to be a Poet, he tooke great delight in his company, and out of his bounty would bestow a brace of Cannes of him. _George_ observing the humour of the Tapster, meant presently to worke upon him. What will you say, quoth _George_ to his friends, if, out of this spirit of the Cellar, I fetch a good Angell, that shall bid us all to supper. We would gladly see that quoth his friends. Content your selfe, quoth _George_. The Tapster ascends with his two Cannes, delivers one to Master _Peele_, and the other to his friends: gives them kind welcome: but _George_, in stead of giving him thankes, bids him not to trouble him: and beginnes in these termes: I protest, Gentlemen, I wonder you will urge me so much; I sweare I have it not about me. What is the matter? quoth the Tapster. Hath any one angered you? No, faith, quoth _George_, Ile tell thee, it is this: There is a friend of ours in Newgate, for nothing but onely the command of the Justices, and he being now to be released, sends to me to bring him an Angell: now the man I love dearely well; and if hee want tenne Angels he shall have them; for I know him sure: but heere's the misery, either I must goe home, or I must be forced to pawne this; and pluckes an old Harry-groat out of his pocket. The Tapster lookes upon it: Why, and it please you, Sir, quoth he, this is but a groat. No, Sir, quoth _George_, I know it is but a groat: but this groat will I not lose for forty pound: for this groat had I of my mother, as a testimony of a Lease of a House I am to possesse after her decease; and if I should lose this groat, I were in a faire case: and either I must pawne this groat, or there the fellow must lye still. Quoth the Tapster, If it please you, I will lend you an Angell on it, and I will assure you it shall bee safe. Wilt thou? quoth _George_; as thou art an honest man, locke it up in thy Chest, and let me have it whensoever I call for it. As I am an honest man, you shall, quoth the Tapster. _George_ delivered him his groat; the Tapster gave him ten shillings: to the Taverne goe they with the money, and there merrily spend it. It fell out, some time after, the Tapster, having many of these lurches,[F. 224] fell to decay, and indeede was turned out of service, having no more coine in the world than this groat, and in this misery, hee met _George_, as poore as himselfe. O, Sir, quoth the Tapster, you are happily met; I have your groat safe, though since I saw you last, I have bid great extremitie; and I protest, save that groat, I have not any one penny in the world; therefore I pray you, Sir, helpe me to my money, and take your pawne. Not for the World, quoth George: thou saist thou hast but that Groat in the world: my bargaine was, that thou shouldst keepe that groat, untill I did demand it of thee: I ask thee none. I will doe thee farre more good; because thou art an honest fellow, keepe thou that groat still, till I call for it: and so doing, the proudest Jacke in England cannot justifie that thou art not worth a groat; otherwise, they might: and so, honest Michael, farewell. So George leaves the poore Tapster picking of his fingers, his head full of proclamations what he might doe: at last sighing, hee ends with this Proverbe

For the price of a Barrel of Beere I have bought a groats worth of wit, Is not that deare?

[Footnote 224: Drains on his purse.]

[67.] In a certaine towne there was a goose stolne, and it could not bee found, out who stole it; so y^e minister a while after at service, bade all y^e people kneele downe, who answered I. (aye) Many did, but saith hee, he that stole y^e goose doth not. But I doe, quoth hee, and was taken.

[103.] An English Gentleman taking into his Service (in pure Compassion) an Irishman, who was forc'd to leave his Country upon his Conversion from the Romish (of which he was a Priest) to the English Church: Employed him in Errands, and sometimes let him follow him, to acquaint him with the Town; and having staid at a Coffee House some time, in expectation of a Man with whom he had Business, who not coming, he left his Servant there, to tell him that he could stay no longer, but was gone to such a Tavern. The Fellow immediately run after his Master, and ask'd him What he should say to the Gentleman if he should not come?

[110.] A poore begger man, that was foule, blacke, and loathsome to behould, came on a time to Maister _Hobson_ as he walked in Moore feelds, and asked something of him for an almes, to which Maister _Hobson_ said, I prethee, good fellow, get thee from me, for thou lookst as thou camst lately out of hell. The poore begger man, perceving hee would give him nothing, answered forsooth, Sir, you say true, for I came lately out of Hell indeed; why didst not thou tarry there still? quoth maister _Hobson_; nay, Sir, quoth the begger, there is no Roome for such begerr men as I am, for all is kept for such gentlemen Cittizens as you be: this wity answere caused Maister _Hobson_ to give the poore man a teaster.[F. 225]

[Footnote 225: Sixpence.]