Part 23

An honest Vicker, and a kind consort, [102.] That to the Alehouse friendly would resort, To have a game at Tables now and than, Or drinke his pot, as soone as any man: As faire a gamster, and as free from brawl, As ever man should need to play withall: Because his Hostesse pledg'd him not carouse, Rashly in choller did forsweare her house. Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore, Now by this drinke, I'le nere come hither more. But mightily his Hostesse did repent, For al her guests to the next Ale house went, Following their Vickars steps in everie thing: He led the Parish even by a string. At length his ancient Hostesse did complaine She was undone unlesse he came againe. Desiring certain friends of hers and his, To use a pollicie, which should be this: Because with cunning he should not forsweare him, To save his oath, they on their backs might bear him. Of this good course the Vicker well did thinke, And so they alwayes carried him to drinke.

[4.] The Lord _Bacon_ going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that was try'd for Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him, telling him he was a kin to his Lordship: Why, how so? said the Judge. Why answered the Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is _Bacon_, and my name is _Hog_, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be kindred till you are Hang'd, for _Hog_ is never good _Bacon_ till 'tis Hang'd.

[26.] Another Story was, That he being in a Low room, with some Gentlemen a drinking a bottle of Ale; he saw the Man of the House open a Bottle, and the Cork flew up with such a Violence, that it strook his Hat off his Head, and after that went through the Cieling of that Room and another Room above that, which was two pair of Stairs high, and kill'd a Man and his Wife as they lay in Bed, and from thence flew up into the Garret, and they could not get it out with a Hammer and Mallet.

Sir, says another, to make good your Story, which I saw with my own Eyes, that being with some others in an upper Room, one was then opening a Bottle of Ale, and the Cork then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House, that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also, and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the House; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made, that down fell the Kite thorow the hole, and they, opening the Kite to see where she was wounded, found two great Chickens in her Belly, which they sold to pay for their Drink, and after that, would never drink in any other Room in that House: but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen; for these things, though there be truth in 'em, don't happen every day so.

[103.] A Woman very much addicted to Tipling, and having a Cup of a large size, out of which she usually drank, and in which she never left a drop, her Husband chid her for it, and said, It was not decent for a Woman to drink so great a quantity: She told him, that the Virgin _Mary_ being at the bottom of the Cup, she could not but admire her beautiful Face: upon which he broke that Cup, and bought her another something less, with the Devil painted at the bottom of it; however, She always swallowed up all the Liquor in it; and being repremanded again by her Husband for her excessive Drinking: Oh, says she, I do it because the foul Fiend should not have one drop of it.

=No Money, no Friend.=

The Spendthrift he, when 'tis too late, Laments his sad and Wretched state: And all good Men he doth advise, That they would Merry be and wise.

The Tune is { _All you that do desire to play_ { _At Cards, to pass the time away_.

All you that freely spend your Coyn, [111.] Come learn by this advice of mine; That you no more so play the Fool, Nor Tipple in the Fuddling-School: For when that you have spent your store, Your Host will turn you out o' th door.

This by experience I do know, Who too too lately found it so: Five hundred pound was left to me, Which I consum'd immediately: And when my Money was all gone, I like an Ass was lookt upon.

While I had Gold and Silver store, I thought the world did me adore: For then each false dissembling Curr, Would cry, your humble servant, Sir: But now my Money is all spent, Too late, poor Fool, I do lament.

When I was in Prosperity, Each Tap-lach[F. 218] that I passed by: Would cringe and bow, and swear to be My Servant to Eternity: But now alas, my Money's gone, And Servants I have never a one.

But now if to their house I go, E're drink they draw, they'l surely know If that my Pocket it will speak, Which is enough my heart to break: If not, then he who was my friend, Out of the door soon will me send.

Oh, what a dreadful thing is this, That I of all my Servants miss; And those who did me oft invite, To drink with them now do me slight: But if again I Money get, I surely then shall have more wit.

Yet is not spending all the Crime, For idly then I spent my time, And rather than Companions lack, I'de pick up every Idle Jack: And he that would me Master call, Should me command, my Purse and all.

The Hostis she would flatter then, And say I was a pretty Man: And this so tickled then mine ear, That I my praise so oft did hear: Come hang't said I, giv's t'other Pot, And thus I feasted every Sot.

At last I had no Money left, And then was I of joys bereft; My Host and Hostis they did frown, And said I was a Drunken Clown: So then was I dispis'd by all, That me before did Master call.

From street to street as I did pass, Folks cry'd, there goes a Drunken Ass, Who not long since had Money store, But now no Creature is more poor: For Pots and Pipes made him so low, That like a Beggar he doth go.

Then who would pitty such a one, Who could not keep himself alone, If Wife and Children he had had, The case had then been far more sad: But he no pitty doth deserve, If for a bit of Bread he starve.

This is the pitty I do find, That when I had it was so kind, To him that said he was my friend, I'de give him Wine and Money lend; But now myself I have undone, My Company all men do shun.

Let this my case a warning be, That none may play the Fool like me: A greater plague there cannot be, Than falling from Prosperitie Into a state so deadly low, Your nearest friends will not you know.

Account your Money as your friend, So shall you flourish to the end, But when you come of friends to borrow, It will but aggravate your sorrow: To see how they will slight you then, And say you are the worst of men.

Your Pot Companions will you slight, In whom they once did take delight, And while your Money it doth last With Oaths they'l tye their friendship fast: But when that you have wasted all, Then from you will your Servants fall.

Such servants you may have good store, Who help to eat you out of door, And by their drinking in Excess, Will help to make you Money less: Then Young-men warning take by me, That of my Money was too free.

This doth my Passion much provoke, To think when I am like to Choake, Those that I heretofore did feast, They will not mind me in the least: Nor make me drink, who once were proud, To drink with me to be allow'd.

My Kindred and Relations near, Who once did vow they lov'd me dear; Will know me not, but me despise, As loathsom to their scornful eyes: For without Money there's no Friend, And thus my Song in Woe doth End.

FINIS.

Printed for _F. Coles_, _T. Vere_, _J. Wright_, _J. Clarke_, _W. Thackeray_, and _T. Passinger_.

[Footnote 218: Used as a term of contempt for a publican, _taplash_ being very small beer, or the refuse of the casks.]

[105.] _Scogin_ on a time had two eggs to his breakefast, and _Jacke_ his scholler should rost them, and as they were rosting, _Scogin_ went to the fire to warme him, and as the eggs were rosting _Jacke_ said, Sir, I can by sophistry prove that here be three Eggs. Let me see that, said _Scogin_. I shall tell you, sir, said Jacke: Is not here one? Yes, said _Scogin_. And is not here two, said _Jacke_? Yea, said _Scogin_, of that I am sure. Then _Jacke_ did tell the first egge againe, saying, is not this the third? O said _Scogin_, _Jacke_ thou art a good sophister. Wel, said _Scogin_, these two eggs shal serve me for my break fast, and take thou the third for thy labour, and for the herring that thou didst give mee the last day. So one goode turne doth aske another, and to deceive him that goeth about to deceive, is no deceit.

[94.] A Gentleman Hawk'd in another mans ground, to which the surly owner shew'd himself angry; at which the Gentleman spet in his face. What is your reason for that? said the Farmer. I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, I gave you warning, for I hawked before I spet.

[67.] A Scholar traveyling, and having noe money, call'd at an Alehouse, and ask'd for a penny loafe, then gave his hostesse it againe, for a pot of ale; and having drunke it of, was going away. The woman demanded a penny of him. For what? saies he. Shee answers, for y^e ale. Quoth hee, I gave you y^e loafe for it. Then, said she, pay for y^e loafe. Quoth hee, had you it not againe? which put y^e woman to a _non plus_, that y^e scholar went free away.

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) lying at an old Widdowes house, and had gone on so farre on the Score, that his credit would stretch no further: for she had made a vow not to depart with drinke or victuals without ready money. Which _George_ seeing the fury of his froward Hostis, in griefe kept his Chamber; called to his Hostis and told her, she should understand that he was not without money, how poorely soever he appeared to her, and that my diet shall testifie: in the meane time, good Hostis, quoth he, send for such a friend of mine. Shee did: so his friend came: to whom _George_ imparted his mind; the effect whereof was this, to pawne his Cloake, Hose and Doublet, unknowne to his Hostis: for, quoth _George_ this seven nights doe I intend to keepe my bed. (Truly hee spake, for his intent was that the bed should not keepe him any longer). Away goes he to pawne his apparell; _George_ bespeakes good cheere to supper, which was no shamble butcher stuffe, but according to the place; for, his Chamber being remote from the house, at the end of the Garden, his apparell being gone, it appeared to him as the Counter; therefore to comfort himselfe he dealt in Poultrie. His friend brought the money, supped with him: his Hostis hee very liberally payed, but cavelled with her at her unkindnesse: vowing that while he lay there, none should attend him but his friend. The Hostis reply'd, A God's name, she was well contented with it: so was _George_ too: for none knew better than himselfe what he intended; but in briefe thus he used his kinde Hostis. After his Apparell and Money was gone, hee made bolde with the feather bed hee lay on, which his friend-ship convey'd away, having as villanous a Wolfe in his belly as _George_, though not altogether so wise; for that feather bed they devoured in two daies, feathers and all, which was no sooner digested, but away went the Coverlet, Sheetes and the Blancket; and at the last dinner, when _George's_ good friend perceiving nothing left but the bed-cords, as the Devill would have it, straight came into his mind the fashion of a halter; the foolish kind knave would needs fetch a quart of sacke for his friend _George_; which Sacke to this day never saw Vintners Cellar; and so he left _George_ in a cold chamber, a thin shirt, a ravished bed, no comfort left him, but the bare bones of deceased Capons. In this distresse, George bethought him what he might doe; nothing was left him; and as his eye wandred up and downe the empty Chamber, by chance he spied out an old Armour; at which sight George was the joyfullest man in Christendome; for the Armour of Achilles, that Ulysses and Ajax strove for, was not more precious to them, than this to him: for hee presently claps it upon his backe, the Halbert in his hand, the Moryon on his head, and so gets out the backe way, marches from Shorditch to Clarkenwell, to the no small wonder of those spectators that beheld him. Being arrived to the wished haven he would be, an old acquaintance of his furnished him with an old Sute and an old Cloake for his old Armour.

A Lawier being sicke and extreame ill, [102.] Was mooved by his friends to make his will, For they with one consent resolved all; He never more would see Westminster Hall. Hee feeling in himselfe his end was neere, Unto their counsell did encline his eare; And absolute gave all the wealth he had To franticke persons, lunaticke and mad, To no man else he would a pennie give, But only such as doe in _Bedlem_ live. This caused his friends most strangely to admire, And some of them his reason did require? Quoth he, my reason to you I'le reveale: That you may see with equitie I deale. From mad mens hands I did my wealth receave, Therefore that wealth to madmens hands I leave.

[110.] Not farre from maister _Hobsons_ house, there dwelled one of those cunning men, otherwise called fortune tellers, such cossoning[F. 219] companions, as at this day, (by their Crafts) make simple women beleeve how they can tell what husbands they shall have, how many children, how many sweetharts, and such like: if goods bee stole, who hath them, with promise to helpe them to their losses againe; with many other like deceiptfull elusions. To this wise man (as some termes him) goes maister _Hobson_, not to reap any benefit by his crafty cunning, but to make a Jest, and tryall of his experience, so, causing one of his servants to lead a masty[F. 220] dog after him, staying at the Cuning mans doore with the dog in his hand, up goes master _Hobson_ to y^e wise man, requesting his skil, for he had lost ten pound lately taken from him by theeves, but when and how he knew not well. The cunning man knowing maister _Hobson_ to be one of his neighbors, and a man of a good reputation, fell (as he made showe) to conjuring and casting of figures, and after a few words of incantation, as his common use was, hee tooke a very large faire looking glasse, and bad Maister _Hobson_ to looke in the same, but not to cast his eyes backward in any Case; the which hee did, and therein saw the picture of a huge and large oxe with two broad hornes on his head, the which was no otherwise, but as hee had often deceitfully shewd to others, a cossoning fellow like the cunning man himselfe, clothed in an oxe hide, which fellow he maintained as his servant, to blinde the peoples eyes withall, and to make them beleeve hee could shew them the Divill at his pleasure in a glasse: this vision maister _Hobson_ perceving, & gessing at the knavery thereof, gave a whistle for his dog, which then stayed below at the doore, in his man's keeping, which whistle being no sooner hard but the dog ran up the stayers to his maister, as hee had beene mad, and presently fastned upon the poor fellow in the oxe hide, and so tore him as it was pittifull to see. The Cunning man cried for the passion of God take off your dog. No, (quoth Maister _Hobson_) let the Divill and the Dogge fight, venture thou thy divill, and I will venture my dog. To conclude, the oxe hide was torne from the fellows backe, and so their knaveryes were discovered, and their cunning shifts layd open to the world.

[Footnote 219: Cozening, cheating.]

[Footnote 220: Mastiff.]

[94.] A Country fellow going down _Ludgate Hill_, his heels by chance slipping from him, fell upon his Breech: one standing by, told him that _London_ Streets were stout and scornful: It may be so, quoth he, yet I made them to kisse my Breech, as stout as they were.

The London Ladies Vindication

of

Top-Knots:

With the many Reasons that She shows for the Continuation of the same:

As also proving Men to be as Proud as themselves.

To the Tune of, _Here I love, There I love_: Or, _The two English Travellers_.

Licensed according to Order.

Young Women and Damsels that love to go fine, [112.] Come listen a while to this Ditty of mine, In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear _Our Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

I am a young Woman, 'tis very well known, And I am resolv'd to make use of my own, In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear _A Tower and Top Knot, with Powdered Hair_.

They talk of a Calf which was seen in our dress, But let us take Courage, Girls, nevertheless. In spight of those Rumours, we'll constantly wear _A Tower and Top Knot, and Powdered Hair_.

We are not such Fools to believe what they say, 'Tis fit that young Women should go fine and gay, In spight of their Bugbears, brave Girls, let us wear, _Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

Were we to be Ruled by some sort of Men, We should go like Women of Fourscore and Ten, In spight of those Cox combs, brave Girls, we will wear _Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

Like Beautiful Angels we strive to appear, The Hearts of our Husbands in order to cheer, Then what is the Reason that we may not wear _Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

If we are the Pleasure and Joy of their Life, Pray when can they take more delight in a Wife, Then at the same time when rich Garments they wear, _With Towers and Top Knots, and Powdered Hair_.

We see the young Misses and Jilts of the Town, Have six Stories high, as they walk up and down, Then pray tell me why should not honest Wives wear _Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

If we an't as Fine and as Gaudy as they, Who knows but our Husbands might soon run astray, Consider this, Women, and still let us wear _Our Towers and Topknots, with Powdered Hair_.

It is but a Folly to tell us of Pride, While we have these Arguments still on our side; As long as we live we will flourishing wear _Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

Nay further I'le tell ye the case it is thus, That all is not sav'd which is put in the Purse; A Shopkeepers Lady she utters much Ware _When drest in her Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

What Man would not have his Wife richly Array'd When as he well knows it enlarges his Trade; Come, come, I must tell ye, 'tis fit we should wear _Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

Sometimes when our Husbands are out of the way, Pray tell me what huffing young Gallants will stay, If that a fine Delicate Wife were not there? _Then Hey for the Top Knots, and Powdered Hair_.

Some young-men may flout us, yet mark what I say, There's no Woman living, now Prowder than they; Observe but the many knick-knacks which they wear. _More Costly than Top Knots, or Powdered Hair_.

Their Wigg, Watch, and Rapiers we daily behold, And Embroidered Wastcoats of Silver and Gold; Likewise, Turn up Stockings, they constantly wear _More Costly than Topknots, or Powdered Hair_.

If Pride be a sin and a folly, why then Han't we a far better Example from Men? If Gaudy Apparel those Gallants do wear, _We will have our Top Knots and Powdered Hair_.

Printed for P. Brooksby, J. Deacon, J. Blare, J. Black.

[103.] A Gentleman in a Town in _Hartfordshire_, being much in Debt, was oblig'd to keep House close, a Bailiff who had been promised a great reward to take that Gentleman, having made several attempts in vain to snap him, at last resolv'd upon one that he thought could not fail, so pretending himself in dispair, came by the Gentlemans Parlor Window, (which was next the Street, and where he sat Writing every Day) and pulling out of his Pocket a Halter, made a Nooze, and seemed as if he intended to Hang himself therewith; a Grindstone was before the Door, upon which he got up, and threw the Rope over a good Bough of the Tree, and fastned it, and then put his Head in, concluding the Gentleman would whip out, and so he should arrest him; but as the Devil would have it, the Grindstone which stood firm like a Rock for him to get up, tumbled down as soon as ever the Halter was about his Neck, the Innocent, Unwary Gentleman seeing what past, sallied out, to Cut the Rope, and save the Man; but the Bailiff's Follower lying in Ambuscade, snap'd the Gentleman as soon as ever he peept out, and carried him off, and let his Master hang; who carried the Jest too far, and when the Gentleman told the Bailiff's Follower that his Master would soon be Dead if he did not cut him down--Let him be D---- said he, I have got my Prize, and I shall have the Reward, and my Masters place too.

[26.] A Man being very much diseas'd and weak, was bemoaning himself to his only Son, whom he lov'd very well. For, _Jack_, says he, if I stand, my Legs ake, if I kneel my Knees ake, if I go, my Feet ake, if I lie then my Back akes, if I sit my Hips ake, if I lean, my Elbows ake. Why truly, Father, says he, (like a good dutiful Child) I advise you, Father, to hang yourself an hour or two, and if that does not do, then come to me again.

[67.] A Scholer being at a Parson's house, stole a Pig; the Parson looking out at his window, spied him and said, Scholer, Scholer, I'le none of that. Noe more you shall, quoth y^e Scholer, and ran away with it.

[82.] A Nobleman of France (as hee was riding) met with a yeoman of the Country, to whom he said, My friend, I should know thee, I doe remember I have often seene thee: My good Lord, said the Countryman, I am one of your Honors poore tenants, and my name is T. I. I remember thee better now (said my Lord) there were two brothers of you, but one is dead, I pray which of you doth remaine alive.

The aforesaid Nobleman having had a Harper that was blinde playing to him after supper, somewhat late, at last hee arose, and commanded one of his servants to light the Harper downe the staires: to whom the Serving man sayd, my Lord, the Harper is blind; thou ignorant knave, quoth my Lord, he hath the more need of light.