Part 20

But another being by, to fit him in his Story; and to make it appear to be truth (as you know it was) began to confirm what t'other had said, with some Oaths too. For, says he, I my self have seen that Haw thorn Tree bloom a hundred Christmas-day, and if I were to say a Hundred more, I should not lie; and I went once thither, when they were come to the Berries, which were red, large and hard; and so took some of them, and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it, as the fashion is now (for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters) and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass day in the morning, little thinking of it, about Ten of the Clock precisely (he swore) that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick, that he was covered all over with them; insomuch that he lookt as if he had been in a Wood, and so heavy they were upon him, that he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe, and cut away all the Boughs, that he might see his way out; and when they had done, he went home in this posture to his lodging; and swore also, that there was as much Wood cut off, as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his Chamber; but however, says he, I had rather be at the charge of the Wood than to be served so agen. But Gentlemen I tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before: whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no: but I hope there's no doubt now: and so swore it agen.

[78.] One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason why he would sel his land? who answered because he hoped to go to heven, which he could not possibly do til he forsook earth.

Learning hath fed me, yet I know no letter, [91.] I have liv'd among books, yet am never the better: I have eaten up the Muses, yet I know not a verse, What student is this, I pray you rehearse?

_Resolution_, A Worme bred in a booke.

[18.] A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude. Another who had not the luck to please his Auditors; He did better last Year, said one. How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very Thing he did better, reply'd the first.

[17.] One told a Bakers Son, that his Father was a Knave: Truly, says he, _Though I say it, that should not say it_, my Father is as honest a man as ever lived by bread.

the complaint of M. Tenter-hooke the _Proiector_, and Sir _T_homas Dodger the _Patentee_.[F. 186]

_If any aske, what things these_ Monsters _be, Tis a_ Projector _and a_ Patentee: _Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle, And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all._

[Footnote 186: "On a broadside, entitled as above, is a woodcut, which represents a 'Projector' who has a pig's (? fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, and fish hooks for fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on his legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing cards, and a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins on his right arm, and a measure for spirits on his left arm, a barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger, (? for starch) on the skirts of his coat.

"The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the speech of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star Chamber for saying that merchants were more screwed up and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined £2000."--_Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British Museum_, No. 263.]

Loe I, that lately was a _Man_ of fashion [101.] The _Bug-beare_ and the _Scarcrow_ of this Nation Th' admired mighty _Mountee banke_ of _Fame_, The Juggling _Hocus Pocus_ of good name, The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare, And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare, Now _Time_ hath pluck'd the _Vizard_ from my face, I am the onely Image of disgrace. My ugly shape I hid so cunningly (Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty) That from the _East_ to _West_ from _South_ to _North_, I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth. And (Sweet Sir _Thomas Dodger_) for your sake, My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake, My braines I tost with many a strange vagary, And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry, To you, such _Projects_, as I could invent, Not thinking there would come a Parliament. I was the great _Projector_, and from me, Your Worship learn'd to be a _Patentee_, I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale, And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale. I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought. What was I but your journey man, I pray, To bring youre worke to you, both night and day: I found _Stuffe_, and you brought it so about You (like a skilfull _Taylor_) cut it out, And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure) You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure. My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low, According as your power did _Ebbe_ or _Flow_: And at your will I was Screwd up too high That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby. For you, I made my _Fingers fish-hookes_ still To catch at all _Trades_, either good or ill, I car'd not much who lost, so we might get, For all was _Fish_ that came into the Net. For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares) I put a _Swines face_ on, an _Asses eares_, The one to listen unto all I heard Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd, The other to tast all things, good or bad. (As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had. _Soape_, _Starch_, _Tobacco_, _Pipes_, _Pins_, _Butter_, _Haye_, _Wine_, _Coales_, _Cards_, _Dice_, and all came in my way, I brought your worship, every day and houre, And hope to be defended by your power.

Sir _Thomas Dodgers Answer_.

Alas good _Tenter hooke_, I tell thee plaine, To seeke for helpe of me tis but in vaine: My _Patent_ which I stood upon of late, Is like an _Almanacke_ that's out of _Date_. T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe, But now it wants both force and vertue too. This was the turne of whirling _Fortune's_ wheele, When we least dream'd we should her changing feele. Then _Time_, and fortune, both with joynt consent Brought us to ruine by a Parliament: I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits Which now I find were but alluring baits, And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare, To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare. Thou in the _Project_ of the _Soape_ didst toyle, But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle, That people wondred how we held it fast But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last. The _Project_ for the _Starch_ thy wit found out, Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout, The Pagan weed (_Tobacco_) was our hope In _Leafe_, _Pricke_, _Role_, _Ball_, _Pudding_, _Pipe_, or _Rope_. _Brasseele_, _Varina_, _Meavis_, _Trinidado_, Saint _Christophers_, _Virginia_, or _Barvado_; _Bermudas_, _Providentia_, _Shallowcongo_, And the most part of all the rest (_Mundungo_[F. 187]). That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke, And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake. Thou framdst the _Butter_ Patent in thy braines, (A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.) I had forgot _Tobacco Pipes_, which are Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware. _Dice_ run against us, we at _Cards_ are crost, We both are turn'd up _Noddies_,[F. 188] and all's lost. Thus from _Sice-sinke_,[F. 189] we'r sunke below _Dewce-ace_,[F. 190] And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace. _Pins_ pricke us, and _Wine_ frets our very hearts. That we have rais'd the price of _Pints_ and _Quarts_. Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst. And madst me up the price of _Sea-coales_ hoyst. _Corne_, _Leather_, _Partrich_, _Pheasant_, _Rags_, _Gold twist_, Thou brought'st all to my _Mill_, what was't we mist? _Weights_, _Bon lace_,[F. 191] _Mowstraps_, new, new, _Corporation_, _Rattles_, _Seadans_,[F. 192] of rare invented fashion, _Silke_, _Tallow_, _Hobby-horses_, _Wood_, _red herring_, _Law_, _Conscience_, _Justice_, _swearing_, and _For-swearing_. All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought That every thing was good that profit brought, But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe, I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe.

Finis.

John Taylor[F. 193]

London. Printed by _E. P._ for _Francis Coles_, dwelling in the Old Baily. 1641.

[Footnote 187: Trashy tobacco--from the Spanish _Mondóngo_, paunch, tripes, black pudding.]

[Footnote 188: Fools; but there was also a game at cards called noddy, supposed to have been the same as cribbage.]

[Footnote 189: Corrupt French terms used for the numbers on dice--six-five.]

[Footnote 190: Two-one.]

[Footnote 191: Bone-lace.]

[Footnote 192: Sedan chairs, which are said to have been introduced into England in 1581, and first used in London in 1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe obtained a patent, or privilege, for them in 1634.]

[Footnote 193: The water poet.]

[82.] A _Mayor_ that was on hunting (by chance) one asked him how hee liked the _Cry_: a pox take the _Dogs_, saith he, they make such a bawling, that I cannot heare the _Cry_.

[82.] An old Justice was fast asleepe on the Bench when a poore Malefactor was judged to bee hanged; at which word the Justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thiefe, My friend, I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no more, for wee doe not show every man the like favour.

[94.] One seeing another wear a Threadbare Cloak, asked him whether his Cloak was not sleepy, or no? Why do you ask? said the other. Because, saith he, I think it hath not had a Nap this seven years.

_Monsieur Domingo_ is a skilfull man, [102.] For much experience he hath lately got, Proving more Physick in an alehouse can, Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot; Beere he protests is sodden and refin'd, But this he speakes, being single penny lin'd,

For when his purse is swolne but sixpence bigge, Why then he sweares; now by the Lord I thinke All Beere in Europe is not worth a figge: A cup of Claret is the onely drinke, And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth goe Even as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe.

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) was invited one night by certaine of his friends to supper, at the White Horse in Friday Street: and in the evening as he was going, hee met with an old friend of his, who was so ill at the stomacke, hearing _George_ tell him of the good cheere he went to, himselfe being unprovided both of meate and money, that he swore he had rather have gone a mile about, than have met him at that instant. And beleeve me, quoth George, I am heartily sorry that I cannot take thee along with mee, myselfe being but an invited guest; besides, thou art out of Cloathes, unfitting for such a company. Mary, this I'le doe, if thou wilt follow my advice, I'le help thee to thy supper. Any way, quoth hee to _George_ doe thou but devise the meanes, and I'le execute it. _George_ presently told him what hee should doe; so they parted. _George_ (was) well entertained, with extraordinary welcome, and seated at the upper end of the Table; Supper being brought up, H.M. watched his time below; and when he saw that the meate was carried up, up hee followes, (as _George_ had directed him) who when _George_ saw, You whorson Rascall (quoth _George_) what make you heere? Sir, quoth he, I am come from the partie you wot of. You Rogue, quoth _George_, have I not forewarned you of this? I pray you, Sir, quoth hee, heare my Errand. Doe you prate, you Slave? quoth _George_, and with that, tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, and threw it at him. Quoth hee, you use me very hardly. You Dunghill, quoth _George_, doe you out face me? and with that took the other Rabbet, and threw it at his head; after that a Loafe; then drawing his dagger, making an offer to throw it, the Gentleman staid him: meane while HM. got the Loafe and the two Rabbets, and away he went: which when _George_ saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he sate quietly. So by that honest shift, hee helped his friend to his supper, and was never suspected for it of the Company.

[17.] Two Clerks belonging to one Church, and having both of them sate up most part of the night, were both asleep when Sermon was done: a man jogg'd one of them, and bid him sing a Psalm, for Sermon was done. Sing, _All People_, saies he: The other then awak'd, and hearing him say so said, _Hang all people_, sing me the _hundred Psalm_.

[4.] One boasting of his Credit, said, He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own Bond, without either Scrip or Scrowl.

[26.] One told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together, whose name was _Roan_, and being tired with working all day, poor Jade, slept soundly at night; which a thievish fellow espying, flay'd off his Skin, whilest he slept, and went away with it: But Old _Roan_ when he awak't (though 'twas a bitter cold night) yet, poor thing, he came home to the Mill door and neighed very loud, which the honest Miller, hearing, awak't his Wife, and askt her whether that was not the neighing of old _Roan_? Truly, Husband, says she, it is, let us rise and see what's the matter with him; and when they came out, they wondred to see him in such a pickle: Well Husband, says she, since 'tis as 'tis, I'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep (and tomorrow being Market Day, we can sell their Flesh there) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan; which he presently did, with his dear Wife's help, and clapt them hot upon the Horse's flay'd Back; which with the Cold night were presently froz'd on, and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life, and I am sure you'll say warmer: And this Horse, said he, they kept for many years after, and every year it brought him Thirty Tod[F. 194] of Wool: And I hope you will believe it; but if you dont believe it, I pray take notice, that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too. Then they all concluded it was true--lie so.

[Footnote 194: A tod of wool weighs 28 lbs.]

[91.] What is that which produceth teares without sorrow, takes his journey to heaven, but dies by the way, is begot by another, yet that other is not begot without it? _Resolution._ Smoake.

[103.] A Clipper[F. 195] being Sentenc'd to Death, when he came to _Tyburn_, the Parson was very busie in preparing him for another World, amongst other things he told the Criminal, that it was no small Happiness to have had so much time to Repent, that he might have died suddenly, and by many Accidents, and so have been snatch'd away in a Moment, and gone Headlong down to Hell; but that now he was almost sure he shou'd go to Heaven, and lie in _Abraham's_ Bosom; Say you so, Sir, says the poor Patient, 'tis very good News, but if you please you shall have my Place, for I had rather stay here a little longer.

[Footnote 195: Of coin, a capital offence.]

[17.] A Witch being at the stake to be burnt, she saw her Son there; and being very dry, desir'd him to give her some drink: No, Mother, says the Sweet conditioned Son, 'twill do you wrong, for the dryer you be, you'll burn all the better.

[4.] A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas. What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expenses? I will have but half a one killed at a time.

A Song in Praise of the Leather Bottel.[F. 196]

Shewing how Glasses, and Pots are laid aside, And Flaggons and Noggins they cannot abide; And let all Wives do what they can, 'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man; And this you may very well be sure, The Leather Bottel will longest endure; And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell That first devised the Leather Bottel

To the Tune of _The Bottle Maker's Delight_, &c.

God above that made all things, [104.] The Heavens, the Earth, and all therein, The Ships that on the Sea do Swim, To keep Enemies out that none comes in; And let them do all what they can, 'Tis for the Use and Praise of Man. _And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell That first devised the Leather Bottel._

Then what do you say to these Cans of Wood? In faith they are, and can, not be good; For when a Man he doth them send To be filled with Ale, as he doth intend; The Bearer falleth down by the way. And on the ground the Liquor doth lay; And then the Bearer begins to ban, And swears it is long of the Wooden Can. But had it been the Leather Bottel, Although he had fallen, yet all had been well _Then I Wish &c._

Then what do you say to these Glasses fine? Yes, they shall have no Praise of mine; For when a Company they are set For to be merry, as we are met; Then if you chance to touch the Brim, Down falls the Liquor and all therein, If your Table Cloath be never so fine, There lies your Beer, Ale, or Wine: It may be for a small Abuse, A young Man may his Service lose; But had it been a Leather Bottel, And the Stopple in, then all had been well. _And I wish &c_

Then what do you say these black Pots three? True, they shall have no praise of me, For when a Man and his Wife falls at Strife, As many have done, I know, in their Life; They lay their Hands on the Pot both, And loth they are to lose their Broath; The one doth tug, the other doth hill, Betwixt them both the Liquor doth spill; But they shall answer another Day, For casting their liquor so vainly away; But had it been in the Leather Bottel, They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake, And yet their Liquor no harm could take; They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake. _Then I wish &c_

Then what do you say to the Silver Flaggons fine? True, they shall have no Praise of mine; For when a Lord he doth them send To be filled with Wine as he doth intend; The Man with the Flaggon he doth run away, Because it is Silver most gallant and gay: O then the Lord he begins to ban, And swears he hath lost both Flaggon and Man; There's never a Lord's Serving-man or Groom, But with his Leather Bottel may come; _Then I wish &c_

A Leather Bottel we know is good, Far better than Glasses or Cans of Wood, For when a Man is at work in the Field, Your Glasses and Pots no Comfort will yield; Then a Leather Bottle standing him by, He may drink always when he is a dry; It will revive the Spirits, and comfort the Brain, Wherefore let none this Bottle refrain; _For I wish &c_

Also the honest Sith-man[F. 197] too, He knew not very well what to do, But for his Bottle standing him near, That is filled with good Household beer; At Dinner he sits him down to eat, With his good hard Cheese and Bread or Meat; Then this Bottle he takes up amain, And drinks, and sets him down again; Saying, Good Bottle, stand my Friend, And hold out till this day doth end; _For I wish &c_

And likewise the Haymakers they, When as they are turning and making their Hay; In Summer-weather, when as it is warm, A good Bottel full then will do them no harm; And at Noon time they sit them down, And drink in their Bottels of Ale Nut Brown; Then the Lads and the Lasses begin to tattle, What should we do but for this Bottle? They could not work if this Bottle were done, For the Day's so hot with heat of Sun. _Then I wish &c_

Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher, The Reaper, Hedger and the Ditcher, The Binder, and the Raker and all About the Bottels ears do fall; And if his Liquor be almost gone, His Bottel will he part with to none, But says, my Bottel is but small One Drop I will not part withal: You must go drink at some Spring or Well, For I will keep my Leather Bottel. _Then I wish &c_

Thus you may hear of a Leather Bottel, When as it is filled with Liquor full well, Though the Substance of it be but small, Yet the Name of the thing is all. There's never a Lord, an Earl or Knight, But in a Bottel doth take Delight: For when he is hunting of the Deer, He often doth wish for a Bottel of Beer: Likewise the Man that works at the Wood, A Bottel of Beer doth oft do him good _Then I wish &c_

Then when this Bottel doth grow old, And will good Liquor no longer hold, Out of the Side you may take a Clout, Will mend your Shooes when they'r worn out; Else take it and hang it upon a Pin, It will serve to put many odd Trifles in, As Hinges, Awls, and Candle-ends, For young Beginners must have such things; _Then I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell, That first devised the Leather Bottel_.

_London_: Printed by and for _W. O._ and sold by the Booksellers of _Pye Corner_, and _London Bridge_.

[Footnote 196: For tune, see Appendix.]

[Footnote 197: Mower.]

[105.] When _Scogin_ had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniver furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him, It is so that I must proceed Master of Arts, at the next Act, and I have bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furres (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will content you with thankes. Then said the Alderman, make your gownes and your hood, and send them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. Then said _Scogin_, you shall have them within these two days, and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every thing. It shall be done, said the Alderman. When as the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, and said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge: the bill was brought forth, and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money. The Alderman said, When shall I have my money? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else the next time that you and I doe meet after the said terme set.[F. 198] The terme of time passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me commended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he and I doe meet, I will content him according to my promise; so, on a time, _Scogin_ went to Korfax,[F. 199] and he espied the Alderman, and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you said that you would pay me my money within seven weekes, or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, said _Scogin_, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken; No, said the Alderman, so that you pay me my money now. Now, said _Scogin_, nay not so, wee meet not together yet, for now you did but overtake me, and when we doe meet, you shall have your money; but if I can, said _Scogin_, I will not meet you this seven Yeares, if I can go backward. Wherefore a plaine bargain is best, and in bargaines making, fast bind, fast find.

[Footnote 198: Commences.]

[Footnote 199: Carfax, a place in Oxford, where four streets meet; supposed to be a corruption of _quatre voies_.]