Part 19

With merry solaces, quite voyd of all malice, with honest good fellowes thats here, No cursing nor swearing, no staring nor tearing, amongst us do seeme to appeare. When we have spent, all to labour we fall, for a living wee'le dig, or wee'le delve, Determin'd to be both bounteous and free, he that made eleven, made twelve.

Now I think it is fit and most requisit, to drinke a health to our wives, The which being done, wee'le pay and be gone, strong drinke all our wits now deprives. Then, Hostesse, let's know the summe that we owe, twelve pence there is for certain Then fill t'other pot, and here's money for't for he that made twelve made thirteene.

FINIS.

London, Printed for _Henry Gossen_.

[Footnote 179: Being mean, miserly.]

[52.] An untravelled Irish man intended to see England, and arriving at London, chanced to light on a Barbers shoppe, supposing by his cluster of Basons hanging at the door, it must of necessity be some penny-pottage Ordinary: and, wanting the language, entred the shop, and pointed to his mouth, meaning some victuals to stay his hunger. The Barber gathered by this signe, that the poore fellow had pain in his teeth, and desired to have one pluckt out; willed him to sit downe in his Chaire, and approached with his dismall instruments towards the fellows chaps. The Irishman began to wonder at this strange kinde of feeding, giving the Barber to understand (so well as he could) he was never brought up to that kinde of feeding, and with an unmannerly thrust bad him, Avant.[F. 180] The Barber, half discontented, tumbled the Irish man with his Chair upside down, who, sprawling on the ground began to seeke after the doore, and made as much haste to his lodging as he could: where, meeting with one of his Countrymen, hee prayed him, of all loves, to depart this Country of England, and returne to that worthy Ireland. For, (quoth he) they be ill divels here, and no honest men, since when a poore stranger makes shew of hunger, the knavish Inhabitants will break out men's teeth like dogs, and so send us to our Country again with never a tooth in our heads: which caused much good mirth to all that heard it.

[Footnote 180: Avaunt, begone.]

[17.] A great Lord being in the Tower was visited by some other Lords; and being merry, one began the Kings health, which he refused to pledge. They told him 'twould be ill taken: Why truly, my Lords, saies he, I'll pray for the Kings health, but drink for my own.

[4.] A gentleman ordr'd a Crane for Supper; but his Cook, having a Sweetheart in a longing condition, cut off a Leg and sent her; so the one Legg'd Crane was set on the Table, which the Gentleman seeing, was enrag'd at his Cook; but he, being an arch Wag, readily told the Gentleman that Cranes had but one Leg, and avowed it with that Confidence, that he gain'd upon his wise Masters belief; but he, resolving to observe it as he was walking in the Fields one Frosty Morning, he saw a flock of Cranes, and, sending for his Cook, they held up one of their Legs under their Wings, as is the Custom of those birds in the cool weather. So, says his Cook, I hope your Worship is satisfied that they have but one Leg; but the Gentleman going pretty near to them, cries _Cush_, and frighted them up. Whereupon both Legs appear'd. Look, says the Gentleman, they have now two Legs. Oh, says the Cook, if you had cried _Cush_ to that in the Dish, it wou'd have had two Legs too.

[26.] A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt, and had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity, but one among the rest, that of leaping so well, that no Ditch or Hedg, though never so broad or deep but he whipt over: nay, an ordinary House was nothing with him, or small Country Church also, but yet could never leap over the Steeple. It fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad on him, came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide, which you'll say was very broad; yet this poor beast leapt with him to the very brink of the River on the other side, and there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree which ran into his Belly; which the Master seeing, alighted, and so left the poor Beast in that condition, yet would not kill him, and so went away. About six months after, this Gentleman was riding that way with his Man, and as they rode, says his Master, Don't you see something move yonder? Yes, says he, I think I see a Tree go; and coming near to it, they put aside all the Boughs, and there spied his late Horse, which he thought had died there: so they cut off all the Boughs, which were so many as to load almost three Carts, and then he took the poor Beast home, and cur'd him of all but the stump of the Tree which was in his Belly; and, indeed he need not do it, for he receiv'd a great advantage by it every year; that is, at least two or three load of Wood, which serv'd him to burn in his Chamber; for he would never burn any other than that, out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his. But some that heard him tell it, thought it savour'd too much of the Legend: Why, if you won't believe me, ask my Man, who knows it as well as I, and shall swear it too, if you please.

Here at last doth she lie in quiet, [18.] Who whilst she lived was ever unquiet. Her Husband prays, if by her Grave you walk, You'd gently tread, for if waked, she'll talk.

The following was written in 1646, and is a satire on the then feeling of the army.

I.

No money yet, why then let's pawn our swords, [100.] And drinke an health to their confusion Who doe instead of money send us words, Lets not be subject to the vain delusion Of those would have us fight without our pay, While money chinks, my Captain i'le obey.

II.

I'le not be slave to any servile Groom, Let's to the Sutlers and there drink and sing My Captain for a while shall have my room, Come hither _Tom_, of Ale two douzen bring, Plac'd Ranke and File, Tobacco bring us store, And as the Pots doe empty, fill us more.

III.

Let the Drum cease, and never murmure more, Untill it beat, warning us to repair Each man for to receive of Cash good store, Let not the Trumpet shril, ere rend the ayre, Untill it cites us to the place where we May heaps of silver for our payment see.

IV.

I come not forth to doe my Countrey good, I come to rob, and take my fill of pleasure, Let fools repel their foes with angry mood, Let those doe service while I share the treasure: I doe not mean my body ere shall swing Between a pare of crutches, tottering.

V.

Let thousands fall, it nee'r shall trouble me, Those puling fools deserve no better fate, They mirth's Apposers were, and still would be, Did they survive, let me participate, Of pleasures, gifts, while here I live, and I _Care not, although I mourne eternally_.

VI.

I laugh to think how many times I have Whiles others fighting were against the foe, Within some Thicket croucht myself to save, Yet taken for a valiant Souldier tho, When I amongst them come, for I with words, Can terrifie, as others can with swords.

VII.

Damme you Rogue if thou provoke my wroth [1]I'le carve thee up, and spit thee, joynt by joynt There's none that tasted of my fury hath, But fear and tremble lest I should appoint A second penance from them, when my brow Is bent, marke how the rascalls to me bow.

[Sidenote 1: Canes qui multum latrant, raro mordent.]

VIII.

Thus menacing I'm taken for to be A man indeed, when I should fear to fight With coward _Thersites_, and if that he Were my Antagonist, but I delight To fight and pash dame _Ceres_ treasure[2] To quaff _Lyen's_ bloud[3] I take great pleasure.

[Sidenote 2: All manner of victuals.]

[Sidenote 3: Wine.]

IX.

Proceed yee brethren, doe each other hate, And fight it to the last, _I wish the Wars May ever untill doomsday prosperate_, And time nee'r see a period of the jars: For I before like to a slave did live, Now like unto a _Lurdain_[4] doe I thrive.

[Sidenote 4: An ignominious name given the _Danes_ by _English_ men, for their slothfull and lasie living.]

X.

Fill us more Ale, me thinks thy lazie gate Is slower than the Tortoise, make more speed, An tha'st a Female of an easie rate Lets see her, for my flesh doth tumults breed: _Run on, thoul't wish when that day comes thou must Give an account, that thou hadst been more just_.

[86.] A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of the Parliament coyne, taking it in his hand, and turning it backward and forward; when he had read the circumscription of it, said, Here are Crosses enough, I trow me, but how long they shall last I know not, for I see here _the Commonwealth of England_, and _God with Us_ are not of one side.

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) on a time being happily furnished both of horse and money, though the horse he hired, and the money he borrowed: but no matter how he was possest of them, and towards Oxford he rides to make merry with his friends and fellow students: and in his way he tooke Wickham, where he sojourned that night: Being at supper accompanied with his Hostis, among other table-talke, they fell into discourse of Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis was a simple professor. _George Peele_ observing the humour of my she Chirurgion, upheld her in all the strange cures she talked of, and praised her womanly endevour; telling her, he loved her so much the better, because it was a thing that he professed, both Physicke and Chirurgirie; and _George_ had a Dictionary of Physicall words, that it might set a better glosse upon that which he seemingly profest: and told his good Hostis, at his returne he would teach her something that should doe her no hurt; for (quoth he) at this instant I am going about a great Cure as farre as Warwick-shire to a Gentleman of great living, and one that hath beene in a Consumption this half yeare, and I hope to doe him good. O God (quoth the Hostis) there is a Gentleman not a quarter of a Mile off, that hath beene a long time sicke of the same disease: Beleeve me, Sir, (quoth the Hostis) would it please your Worship e're your departure in the morning, but to visit the Gentleman, and but spend your opinion of him, and I make no question but the Gentlewoman will bee very thankfull to you. I' faith (quoth _George_) happely at my returne I may, but at this time my haste is such that I cannot: and so good night, mine Hostis. So away went _George_ to bed; and my giddy Hostis, right of the nature of most women, thought that night as long as tenne, till shee was delivered of that burthen of newes which she had received from my new Doctor: (for so hee termed himselfe). Morning being come, at breake of the day, mine Hostis trudges to this Gentlemans house, acquainteth his wife what an excellent man she had at her house: protesting he was the best seene in Physicke, and had done the most strangest cures that ever she heard of; saying that if shee would but send for him, no question he would doe him good. The Gentlewoman glad to heare of any thing that might procure the health of her Husband, presently sent one of her men, to desire the Doctor to come and visit her Husband. Which message when _George_ heard, hee wondred; for hee had no more skill in Physicke than in Musicke, and they were as distant both from him, as heaven from hell. But, to conclude, _George_ set a bold face on it, and away he went to the sicke Gentleman; where, when hee came, after some complement to the Gentlewoman, hee was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient Gentleman lay wonderfull sicke: for all Physicke had given him over: George beginnes to feele his Pulses and his temples, saying, hee was very farre spent; yet, quoth hee, under God I will doe him some good, if Nature bee not quite extinct. Whereupon hee demanded whether they had ever a Garden? That I have, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you direct me thither, quoth _George_. Where, when hee came, hee cut a handfull of every Flowre, Herbe and Blossome, or whatsoever else in the Garden, and brought them in the lapid[F. 181] of his Cloake, boyled them in Ale, strained them, boyled them againe, and when he had all the juyce out of them, of which he made some pottle[F. 182] of drinke, he caused the sicke Gentleman to drinke off a maudlin[F. 183] Cup full, and willed his wife to give him of that same at morninge, noone, and night: protesting, if any thing in this world did him good, it must bee that: giving great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe him wonderfull warme: and at my returne, quoth _George_, some tenne dayes hence, I will returne and see how hee fares: For, quoth he, by that time something will be done; and so I will take my leave. Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your Worshippe must needes stay and take a simple dinner with mee to day. Indeede, quoth _George_, I cannot now stay, my haste is such, I must presently to Horse. You may suppose _George_ was in haste untill he was out of the Gentleman's house: for hee knew not whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not, which made him so eager to bee gone out of the Gentleman's house. The Gentlewoman seeing shee could by no meanes stay him, gave him two brace of Angels, which never shined long in his purse, and desired him at his returne to know her house: which _George_ promised, and with seeming nicenesse took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, fortie shillings heavier than he was, where hee bravely domineered while his Physicall money lasted. But to see the strangenesse of this: Whether it was the vertue of some herbe which hee gathered, or the conceit the Gentleman had of _George Peele_, but it so pleased God the Gentleman recovered, and in eight dayes walked abroad; and that fortunate potion which _George_ made at randome, did him more good than many pounds that he had spent in halfe a yeere before in Physicke. _George_ his money being spent, he made his returne towards London; and when he came within a mile of the Gentlemans house, hee enquired of a Countrey fellow how such a Gentleman did. The Fellow told him, God be praised, his good Landlord was well recovered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this way by chance. Art thou sure of it? quoth _George_. Yes, beleeve me, quoth the fellow, I saw him in the Fields but this morning. This was no simple newes to _George_. He presently set spurres to his Horse, and whereas hee thought to shunne the Towne, hee went directly to his Inne: at whose arrivall, the Hostis clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the Tapster leapt, the Chamberlaine ran to the Gentlemans house, and told him the Doctor was come. How joyfull the Gentleman was, let them imagine that have any after-healths. _George Peele_ was sent for, and after a Million of thankes from the Gentleman and his friends, _George Peele_ had 20 pounds delivered him: which money, how long it was a spending, let the Tavernes in London witnesse.

[Footnote 181: Lappet.]

[Footnote 182: A measure of two quarts.]

[Footnote 183: Query, _middling_-sized.]

A Man of _Wales_ between _S^t David's_ day and _Easter_, [14.] Was on's host score for cheese great store, a tester. His host did chalk it up behind the doore, And said, For cheese, good Sir, come pay your score. I wonder then, quoth he, what meaneth these? Dost think her Country knows not chalk from Cheese?

THE

Merry Gossip's Vindication,

To the Groats worth of good Councel Declaration.

Some Women can drink, and be drunk night and day, For all the fault is laid most on the Men, they do say, For if a Man do intend for to thrive, Then he must be sure to ask leave of his Wife.

To the Tune of _Digbies Farewel_.

A Company of Gossips that love strong bub,[F. 184] that met at an Alehouse, and there they did club, They called for the short Pot, and likewise for the long, come Tapster, be quick, for we soon must begon. They cupt it about, and they made such great hast, till their nose and their face were all of a blaze. _A Man he may work all the days of his life, but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intends for to thrive._

What is't for a Man to marry a Wife, if she proves a drunkard, hee'l be weary of his Life, As there is in _London_ and _England_ all or'e they'l take it so sweetly till they lye on the floor. When a knot of merry Gossips are gotten together, they then take no care for fare or foul weather. _There's many a Husband takes pains and do's thrive, but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intend for to thrive._

When the Ale and the Brandy doth work in their head, they care not a pin how their Children are fed, Then one saies here Sister i'le drink unto thee our Husbands are bound to maintain us truly. I have a shilling saies one, I have two saies another, we will let it fly now we are together. _And thus you may see although a Man strive he must ask his Wifes leave if he intend for to thrive._

When their Bellies are full they are bound to give o're, they have drunken so much they can drink no more, Then they'l hast to go home when they hardly can stand, you laugh for to see them then go hand in hand. A Man he is mad that hath got such a Wife, he may work and may toyl all the days of his Life. _There's many a Husband &c_

They tottor and wattor and fall in the Dirt, then the Boys they will shout, and them will make sport, Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a ---- to see them so drunk then they cry out the more; Its a inconvenience for a Woman (to) do so to take so much drink that she can hardly go. _There's many a Husband &c_--

There is some that is known that will drink all the day, & within night come home drunk, & not a word they can say, I'le promise you true there so heavy i' th' head, they lye on the Stairs and they cannot go (to) Bed: It needs now must be a great shame unto those, for a Woman so drunk she cannot put of her Cloaths. _There's many a Husband &c_

Some Women will set there Husband o' th' Skore, more than they are able to pay to be sure, When they are absent and taking of Pains, thus they lye at the Alehouse, and consume all their gains; Which makes many a Man to fret all his life, because he is so tide to such a careless Wife. _There's many a Husband &c_

But for civil good Women I have nothing to say, they deserve a great praise though all these go astray, They are a great shame to the rest of their Sex, and many a good Woman to see them is vext: For a Woman to bring herself in such a Snare, and of Husband and Children have no better care. _There's many a Husband &c_

It is good for a Woman (to) live in a good way, & keep at home with her Family, that nothing goes astray, Then her Husband will love her the better sure, and let her want nothing that he can procure: For a Woman that's given to wast and consume, makes many a honest man be not for home. _There's many a Husband &c_

What is't for a Woman to drink and to swill, and never be satisfied till her Belly be full, And then there, one husband they straight will abuse, with all the base names that they ever can use: And then, if her Husband but strike her a blow, she ready crys Murther, all this we may know. _There's many a Husband &c_

And now all good Women that heareth this Song, I pray you forgive me if I have done you any wrong, I will not condemn all for half a Skore, I dare say in our Parish, wee have a great many more: Besides other places; God send them to mend, and then I do hope they take me for their friend. _There's many a Husband &c_

And now to conclude, there is no more to be said, I wish that this Song it often be read Amongst the good Women that love for to club, and spendeth their money in Brandy and Bub: And then you shall see what brave days they will spend, your Housekeeping will be better at every Day's end. _There's many a Husband &c_

Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.

[Footnote 184: Drink.]

[52.] A Gentleman of Franckford in Germany, had borowed of a Jew (of the same town) a thousand Duckets,[F. 185] and missing his day of payment, he sought from time to time to absent himself from his Creditor. Not long after, the Jew espied him going into a Barbers shop, and ran presently and fetcht a couple of Sergeants to arrest the debter, now at the Barbers a trimming. Which done the Jew came and found the Gentleman halfe shaved, and demanded whether hee would instantly discharge his debt, or accept the arrest. The Gentleman being driven to a non plus, caught sudden hold of his sword and asked the Jew if hee would not attend till his beard was all shaved? The Jew answered, Yea, with all his heart. Why then, (quoth the Gentleman) Barber and Serjeants beare witnesse what the Jew hath promised. Contented (quoth the Jew.) Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard shaven this twelve moneth. The Jew began to stamp, curse, and ban, and finally procured the Sergeants to carry him before a Governor, who, well considering the matter, dismissed both the gentleman and the Jew, as both free men, without farther challenge of debt, untill the Gentlemans beard was all shaven, which till his dying day he never suffered. And the Jew lost his money.

[Footnote 185: A coin struck by dukes: a ducat was worth in silver about 4s. 6d., in gold about 9s. 6d.]

[17.] A new Mayors Wife of a Town in the West, came to Church the first _Sunday_ after her husband was chosen; and just as she came into the Church, the people began to stand up at the Creed; which the poor heart mistook, and took it to be an honour done purposely to her; An't please God, says she, I'll requite you all before my Husband goes out of his Office.

[4.] A certain King being sick, one pray'd that he might reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.

[4.] Some Scholars having a spight against their Master, because of his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some trick; so knowing him to be a very Curious neat Man, they daubed the Railes of the Stairs with some Tar. Now the Master coming down in the Dark, laid his Hands in it, which set him into a terrible feu'd; so he call'd all his Schollars, and took them into strict Examination; but, suspecting one above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it, telling him he did it. The Boy utterly denied it; but the Master was the more pressing upon him. Indeed, said the Lad, with all the Asseverations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, and so very eagerly asked him who? Your Worship, Sir, says he: Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his Fellows, for his Ingenuity.

[26.] In a discourse at Table, wherein they chiefly treated of strange things, and one among them said, that he had a piece of the Hawthorn Tree in a Box, which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years together, and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces, and could never get it again. Why, says one, how could it live and bloom as you say without some earth, or the Sun's influence? Why, says he, d'ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day, that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun or earth? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it.