Part 16

The jolly Farmer brisk and bold, as soon as he the Sword beheld, He cry'd what is there to be sold? what! is your Room with Rapiers fill'd? The Valiant Fencer did reply I come my Valour here to try.

With that he did his Rapier shake, and said let who will here arrive, I do a noble Challenge make, to fight the stoutest man alive: The Farmer said I'll answer thee, if that you dare to Cope with me.

The Fencer cry'd, you sorry knave, here by this Rapier in my hand, I'll send the to thy silent Grave, against my force no Clown can stand; It shall be try'd the Farmer cry'd, I value not your huffing Pride.

Next Morning they a Stage prepare, the drums did beat and trumpets sound, Right joyfull tydings to declare, this Gallant trac'd the City round, Dress'd in his Shirt of Holland fine, with Sword that did like Silver shine.

The Stage he mounted brisk and gay, and eke the Farmer straight likewise; To whom the Huffing Spark did say, of you I'll make a Sacrifice; This work in short I will compleat, you should have brought a Winding Sheet.

No more of that, but let's fall to, I hope to make my Party good; And e'er this World I bid adieux, who knows but I may let you blood; With that he cut him o'er the Face, and thus began the Spark's Disgrace.

But when they came to Quarter Staff, the Farmer bang'd the Spark about; Which made all the Spectators laugh, and with Huzzas they all did shout; He made his Head and Shoulders sore, he ne'er had been so thrash'd before.

Thus fairly did he win the day, which put the Fencer in a Rage, Who through the Crowd did sneak away, while the stout Farmer kept the Stage; Huzzas of joy did echo round, while he with Victory was Crown'd.

FINIS.

Printed for P. Brooksby,[F. 148] J. Deacon,[F. 149] J. Blare,[F. 150] J. Back.[F. 151]

[Footnote 147: For tune, see Appendix.]

[Footnote 148: Philip Brooksby had two shops,--one, the Golden Ball, near Bear Tavern, in West Smithfield; the other, Harp and Ball, also Golden Ball, in Pye Corner.]

[Footnote 149: J. Deacon lived at the Rainbow, near David's Inn, or St. Andrew's Church, Holborn.]

[Footnote 150: Josiah Blare's shop was the Looking Glass, on London Bridge.]

[Footnote 151: John Back also lived on London Bridge, at the sign of the Black Boy.]

[86.] King _James_ with some of his Nobles having lost their way in a _Forest_ in the persuit of a Deer, came at last a hungry to the side of the same _Forest_ where they espied a little House; thither hyed the King, and demanded first what victuals in the House, then with some comfortable leysure the way; the good wife sets before the King a good piece of powdered[F. 152] Beefe and a bag pudding, the King and his Followers fell to eat heartily, & having contented his _hostess_ rid away: by the road side at some distance, a boy presents himself scraping with his legs, bare headed, whereon was a thick scald: Sirrah, said the Lords, cover your head, have you never a Cap? where do you dwell? In yonder Cottage an't please you (pointing to the place where the King dined) I had a Cap yesterday, but to day my mother made use of it for a pudding bag; Quoth the King, it did me no harme in the eating, it shall do me lesse in thinking of it; come, put on, and let us jog it down; but it stirred the stomacks of his Traine.

[Footnote 152: Salted.]

[17.] One _Pace_ a bitter Jester in Queen _Elizabeth's_ daies, came to Court: Come says the Ladies, _Pace_, we shall now hear of our faults: No, says he, I don't use to talk of that which all the Towne talks of.

One saw an Old Woman, [12.] Which indeed is Common, With her nose to meet with her chin; 'Tis strange, says he, me-thinks, For when that she drinks The De'el a drop can she get in.

He was then told the cause, And what the reason was That her teeth were fell out, and her chin And Nose, like loving Neighbours, Think well of their Labours, To reconcile 'em agen.

[52.] A Worshipfull Gentleman in London, having on a time invited divers of his friends to supper to his house, and being at supper, the second course comming in, the first was one of the Gentleman's own men, bringing a Capon; and by chance, stumbling at the portall door, the Capon flew out of the platter and ranne along the board to the upper end of the table where the Master of the house sate, who making a jest of it, said, By my faith it is well, the Capon is come first, my man will come anon too, I hope. By and by came his man, and takes up the Capon, and layes it in the platter, and sets it on the board. I thank you Sir, quoth his Master, I could have done so my self. I, quoth his man, it is an easie matter, sir, for one to do a thing when he sees it done before his face.

[17.] Some Tylers working on the top of the house, one by chance dropt down through the rafters; Says one, I like such a Fellow dearly, for he is one that goes through his work.

[26.] Another swore, that he in his Travels round about the World, which he had encompast Three times and half in Seven years time, but could not finish the other half, because he fell very Sick, and so was forc't to return back agen; and in his return, he came to a King's Court, but I cannot for my life remember the place, because I have been in so many; and there, says he, I saw a Lute of a very great bigness, and Thirty Ells long, bating only three inches, and Three broad, and swore that the least string upon it was bigger than his Thumb. Then they askt him how it possibly could be plaid on? He told them that a Man and his Wife that were Gyants (of which there's abundance in that Country) had Two large Iron Bows, made each with Eight Feet like Gridirons, with which he, and his dear Consort (which I think is the best name for her now, in regard of that Musick) scrat ore the strings; that is, she on the Treble part, and He on the Bass, whilst Eight great Mastiff Dogs ran up and down the Frets of the Lute, with their bare feet, and stopt directly in Tune as they plaid; (but you must conceive that these dogs were bred up to't, or else 'twere a thing impossible) to the admiration of all strangers that were there; and the Case of that Lute served for a kennel for the Eight Dogs to lie in: but it seems 'tis common with them there, for they made nothing of it; and this he made good by whole Volleys of thundering Oaths.

[5.] A fat house keeper makes leane Executors. The Devill is not alwaies at one doore. He puls with a long rope, that waights for anothers death.

Come buy this new Ballad, before you doe goe; If you raile at the Author, I know what I know.

To the Tune of, _Ile tell you but so_.

It is an old saying [89.] that few words are best, And he that sayes little, shall live most at rest: And I by experience doe finde it right so, Therefore Ile spare speech, but I know what I know.

Yet shall you perceive well, though little I say, That many enormities I will display: You may guesse my meaning by that which I show, I will not tell all but I know &c.

There be some great climbers compos'd of ambition, To whom better-born men doe bend with submission: Proud Lucifer climbing was cast very low, Ile not stay these men. but I know &c.

There be many Foxes that goe on two legges, They steale greater matters than Cocks, Hens and Egges; To catch many Guls in Sheepes cloathing they goe They might be destroy'd but I know &c.

There be many men that Devotion pretend, And make us beleeve that true Faith theyle defend: Three times in one day to Church they will goe, They cozen the world, but I know &c.

There be many rich men both Yeomen and Gentry, That for their owne private gaine hurt a whole Countrey: By closing free Commons, yet they'le make as though Twere for common good, but I know &c.

There be divers Papists that to save their Fine, Come to Church once a moneth to heare Service Divine: The Pope gives them power, as they say, to doe so They save money by't too but I know &c.

There be many Upstarts that spring from the Cart, Who gotten to th' Court play the Gentleman's part: Their fathers were plaine men, they scorne to be so, They think themselves brave but I know &c.

There be many Officers men of great place, To whom, if one sue for their favour and grace, He must bribe their servants while they make as though They know no such thing, but I know &c.

There be many Women that seem very pure, A kisse from a stranger they'le hardly endure: They are like Lucretia, modest in show. I will accuse none, but I know &c.

Likewise there be many dissembling men, That seeme to hate Drinking and Women, yet when They meet with a Wench to the Taverne they'le goe, They are civill all day but I know &c.

There be many Batchelors that to beguile Beleeving kind Lasses, use many a wile, They all sweare that they love, when they meane nothing so, And boast of these tricks but I know &c.

There's many an Usurer, that like a Drone, Doth idly live upon his moneys Lone: From Tens unto Hundreds his money doth grow, He sayes he doth good, but I know &c.

There be many Gallants that goe in gay Rayment, For which the Taylor did never receive payment; They ruffle it out with a gorgeous show, Some take them for Knights, but I know &c.

There be many Rorers that swagger and rore, As though they in the warres had been, seven yeeres or more: And yet they never lookt in the face of a Foe; They seeme gallant Sparkes but I know &c.

There's many both Women and Men that appeare With beautifull Outsides the Worlds eyes to bleare: But all is not Gold that doth glister in show, They are fine with a Pox, but I know &c.

There's many rich Trades-men who live by Deceit, And in Weight and Measure the poore they doe cheat, They'le not sweare an Oath but indeed, I, and No, They truly protest, but I know &c.

There be many people so given to strife, That they'le goe to Law for a two-penny Knife, The Lawyers ne're aske them why they doe so, He gets by their hate, but I know &c.

I know there be many will carpe at this Ballet, Because it is like sowre Sawce to their Pallet; But he, shee, or they, let me tell ere I goe, If they speak against this Song I know what I know.

FINIS.

Printed by the Assignes of Thomas Symcocke.[F. 153]

[Footnote 153: Published in 1620, and assigned his patent the same year. He is also heard again of in 1642, when his patent was petitioned against, but unsuccessfully.]

[82.] A Proper Gentlewoman went to speak with a rich Mizer that had more Gowt than good manners, at her taking leave hee requested her to tast a Cup of Canara: Shee (contrary to his expectation) tooke him at his word and thanked him. Hee commanded _Jeffrey Starveling_ his man, to wash a glasse, and fill it to the Gentlewoman. Honest _Jeffrey_ fill'd a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles, and gave it to his master, who kist it to save cost, and gave it to the Gentlewoman, saying that it was good Canara of six yeeres old at the least, to whom shee answered (seeing the quantity so small,) Sir, as you requested me, I have tasted your wine, but I wonder that it should be so little, being of such a great age.

[61.] There were two notable boon Companions which when they were met were alwayes so indeared to each others Company that very seldom an earlier houre than midnight could part them, but when they were drunk they had two troublesome infirmities, _Jack_ could not goe nor _Will_ could not speak; therefore one night before they fell to drinking, they made Articles of Agreement that when they were drunke _Will_ should carry _Jack_, and _Jack_ should speak for _Will_, and after this agreement to drinking they went pell-mell, untill the one was drunk, and the other lame: So after they had paid the Reckoning, _Will_ takes up _Jack_ a pick-pack and carries him to _Ludgate_, and being very weary sets him down in the dark close by the prison. The Constable and Watch who were within the Gate hearing a bustle, called out, saying, Who goes there? Come before the Constable. _Will_ could goe well enough, but could not speak, so he went over to the Constable, who examined him whence he came, and why he was out so late, and where he lived; to which _Will_ could answer nothing, but make mouths: but _Jack_ having his tongue at liberty, as he was sitting in the blind hole, cryes to the Constable, Sir, he cannot speak. Upon that the Constable asked who was that which spake, and commanded him to come before him; to which _Jack_ made answer, Sir, I can't goe, at which the Constable and Watch laught; _Will_ took up his load again and away they marcht.

_To his Quill._

Thou hast been wanton, therefore it is meet, [5.] Thou shouldst do penance--do it in a sheet.

[128.] Caricature of different religious sects. 1646.

[78.] One said Physitians had the best of it, for, if they did well, the world did proclaime it, if ill, the earth did cover it.

[77.] Upon a time, as _Tarlton_ and his Wife (as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storme arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon, the Captaine thereof charged every man to throw into the Sea the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship. _Tarlton_, that had his Wife there, offered to throw her over-boord: but the company rescued her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe? he answerd, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her.

[4.] A _Welshman_ that was condemned to be hanged, had the benefit[F. 154] of Clergy granted to him, and so was burnt in the Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say. God bless the King. Nay, says he, God bless hur Father and Mother; for if they had not taught hur to read, hur might have been hanged for all the King.

[Footnote 154: This plea was put in for mitigation of punishment, the person presumably being a clerk or learned person, exemplified by his being able to read, the punishment then being commuted to burning on the hand. In later days it became a farce, as a bribe would have the effect of being apparently branded with only a warm or cold iron.]

[4.] One asking a certain Person how his friend came off at the Sessions House? he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand; Pish, says the other, that's a small matter; for, for a little Fee, the'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron.

Marriage as old men note, hath likened bin [5.] Unto a publique feast, or common route, Where those that are without, would fain get in, And those that are within would faine get out.

[26.] A Gentleman that had a great Wit, and well belov'd among the great ones, and therefore invited often amongst them; but it seems had a very sore Leg; he, being at a Noble mans Table, greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine. Says my Lord to him, Prithee _Jack_ drink it not, for 'twill hurt thy Leg. O my Lord, says he, take no care for my Leg, for I have care enough of that, for I always drink o' the t' other side.

The Cruell Shrow:[F. 155]

or

The Patient Mans Woe

Declaring the misery, and the great paine By his unquiet wife he doth dayly sustaine.

To the Tune of _Cuckolds all arowe_.

Come Batchelors and Married Men, [90.] and listen to my Song; And I will shew you plainely then, the injury and wrong That constantly I doe sustaine, by the unhappy life, The which does put me to great paine, by my unquiet Wife.

Shee never linnes[F. 156] her bauling, her tongue it so loud, But alwaies shee'l be railing, and will not be contrould; For she the Briches still will weare, although it breedes my strife, If I were now a Batchelor, I'de never have a Wife.

Sometime I goe i' th' morning about my dayly worke, My wife she will be snorting, and in her bed she'le lurke; Untill the Chimes doe goe at Eight, then she'le begin to wake, Her mornings draught well spiced straight, to cleare her eyes she'le take.

As soon as shee is out of bed, her Looking Glass she takes, So vainely is she dayly led, her mornings worke she makes; In putting on her brave atyre, that fine and costly be, Whilst I worke hard in durt and mire, alacke what remedy.

Then she goes forth a Gossiping, amongst her own Comrades, And then she falls a bowsing[F. 157] with her merry blades: When I come from my labour hard, then shee'le begin to scould, And calls me Rogue without regard, which makes my heart full cold.

When I for quietnesse sake desire, my wife for to be still; She will not grant what I require, but sweares shee'le have her will; Then if I chance to heave my hand, straightway she'le murder cry; Then judge all Men that here do stand in what a Case am I.

And if a Friend by chance me call, to drinke a pot of Beere; Then she'le begin to curse and brall, and fight and scratch and teare: And sweares unto my worke she'le send me straight without delay, Or else with the same Cudgels end, shee will me soundly pay.

And if I chance to sit at meate upon some holy day, She is so sullen she will not eate, but vexe me ever and aye: She'le pout, and loure, and curse and bann, this is the weary life, That I do leade, poore harmlesse man, with my most dogged wife.

Then is not this a pitteous Cause, let all men now it trie, And give their verdits by the Lawes, betweene my wife and I: And judge the Cause who is to blame, Ile to their Judgement stand, And be contented with the same and put thereto my hand.

If I abroad goe any where, my businesse for to doe, Then will my Wife anone be there, for to encrease my woe; Straightway she such a noise will make, with her most wicked tongue, That all her Mates her part to take, about me soon will thronge.

Thus am I now tormented still, with my most wicked Wife, All through her wicked tongue so ill I am weary of my life: I know not truely what to doe, nor how myselfe to mend: This lingring life doth breede my woe, I would 'twere at an ende.

O that some harmlesse honest man, whom Death did so befriend, To take his Wife from of his hand, his sorrowes for to end: Would change with me to rid my care, and take my Wife alive, For his dead Wife unto his share, then I would hope to thrive.

But so it likely will not be, that is the worst of all, For to encrease my dayly woe and for to breed my fall: My wife is still most froward bent, such is my lucklesse fate, There is no man will be content, with my unhappy state.

Thus to conclude and made an ende of these my Verses rude, I pray all wives for to amende, and with peace to be endude: Take warning all men by the life that I sustained long, Be carefull how you chuse a Wife, and so Ile ende my Song.

FINIS.

_Arthur Halliarg._[F. 158]

London. Printed by _M. P._ for _Henry Gosson_[F. 159] on London Bridge neere the Gate.

[Footnote 155: For tune, see Appendix.]

[Footnote 156: Ceases, or leaves off.]

[Footnote 157: Drinking.]

[Footnote 158: This ballad is supposed to be unique, and is the only known work of Halliarg, who is not mentioned by Hazlitt.]

[Footnote 159: The date of this ballad in the Museum Catalogue is 1610 (?).]

[91.] A Bishop on a time examining one that sought to be admitted into the ministery, asked him how many Sacraments there were; to which question, he, after long pause, answered there were 9; Nine, quoth he, how prove you that? Why, quoth hee, there are 7 beyond sea, and two in _England_; at which the B. laughing at his ignorance, yet grieved for his folly, sent him away as worthily frustrate of his expectation.

[4.] A Man being ask'd whether his friend _Tom_, that was lately dead, had left him any Legacy? No, faith, says he, Not a Tester to drink his health.

[26.] In the Wars in _Germany_, between the _Swedes_ and them, there was so great a Frost one Winter, that Two Men desiring to talk with one another, and one was on one side of the River, and t'other on the other, and as they spoke one to another, the Frost was so great, that it froze[F. 160] up their words, which was not audible then, nor indeed (upon my reputation) could not be heard till Nine days after, when it chanc'd to thaw: which one of the company hearing said 'twas a brave Country to speak Treason in; for whatsoever a Man said, a Man could not be heard; Nay, the very lowings of the Bulls and Cows were froz'n up also, that the owners had much ado to find them to fodder them, for want of hearing them as formerly. Nay, by your favour, says another, there is another Country, which had as great a Conveniency to speak Treason in as that had, from 1648 to 1660, and there one might speak any sort of Treason, and was never call'd to an account for it: Nay, the more Treason they spoke, they were the better esteem'd; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in _England_.

[Footnote 160: A somewhat similar story may be found previously, in _Rabelais_, and some sixty years subsequently, in _Baron Munchausen_.]

[52.] There was a notable drunkard of Rochester, whom his wife perswaded as much as in her lay, to leave that Sinne; but the more she spake the worse he was, and because she controuled him, he would all to beat her, So she let him alone; and because his use was still to stay out till almost midnight, she went to bed, and bad her Maid tary up for him, and make a good fire: and the maid did as her Mistresse commanded. One night when he came home the Maid let him in, and he stood by the fire and warmed himself; but his head being too heavy for his body, down he fell into the fire along. The Maid ranne crying, Oh Mistresse, Mistresse, my Master is falne into the fire. No Matter, Maid (quoth she) let him take his pleasure in his owne house, where he will himselfe.

A Gentleman not richest in discretion, [4.] Was alwayes sending for his own phisition. And on a time he needs would of him know, What was the cause his pulse did go so slow? Why (quoth the Doctor) thus it comes to passe, Must needs go slow, which goes upon an asse.