Part 15

[26.] A man was condemned the last Sessions to be hang'd for a Robbery; but before and after he was condemned, his careful, dear, and loving wife bid him take no care; for she had took care that he should not die; which made the man live more dissolutely than he would have done, but for his wife's confidence; which Confidence she continued to him till the night before he was to be hang'd; and then she came to him and told him, That all the great Promises made to her were come to nothing; for she could not procure him a Pardon by any means whatever; which put the poor man into such a Grief and Trembling that he was scarce himself. Come, husband, says she, take Heart, for though I cannot get you a Pardon, yet I'll tell you what I'll do for you; I will make you an excellent Cawdle tonight, which will make you sleep well, and another to morrow morning to comfort up your heart before you are hang'd: for truly I believe it troubles you as well as me, that I could not get your pardon; therefore pass it by this once; but if ever you come to be hang'd again, I'll warrant you, I'll get you pardon.

Says a man nam'd _John_, [12.] In every place the Sun Does rise every Morning soon; 'Tis not so, in every place, For my Son t' his disgrace, Never rises till the Afternoon.

[52.] A Gentleman of Norfolk, as he was riding towards London in the Winter time, and sitting by the fire side with his Host, untill supper could be made ready, there happened a Rabbit to be at the fire a rosting, which the Gentleman perceived to bee very leane, as he thought. Quoth he unto his Host, We have Rabbits in our Country, that one will drip a pottle, and baste itselfe. The In-keeper wondred with himselfe, and did think it to be a lie, but would not say so, for manners sake, and because he was his guest: but, thinking to requite him, Now truely, quoth he, it is very strange: but I can tell you of as strange a thing as that: Which the Gentleman was desirous to heare. Quoth he, I had as fine a Grayhound as any was in England: and if I had happened to goe abroad to my grounds, the Grayhound would alway go with me. And sometime there would start out a Hare before me, which my Grayhound would quickly catch. It fortuned that my dogge died, and for very love that I bare to him, I made me a bottle of his skin, to carry drinke withall, So, one time in hay harvest, my folkes being making of hay in my grounds, and the weather being hot, I filled my bottle with Beere, to carry to them, lest they should lack drink. And as I was going along, there starts a Hare out of a bush before me: and as it was my custome, I cryed, Now, now, now. My bottle leaping from my girdle, ran and catcht the Hare. What, (quoth the Gentleman) me thinks that should be a lie. Truly sir, said the In-keeper, so did I think yours was. The Gentleman perceiving that he was requited for his kindnesse, held himselfe contented.

_Jack_ drink away [85.] Thou hast lost a whole Minute, Hang Wenches and Play; There's no pleasure in it. Faith take t'other glass Though the Nights old and grey, We may all have a pass To the Grave before day. And in the cold forsaken Grave, There's no drink, _Jack_, no drink, No wine nor women, can we have: No Company but Worms that stinck. Then name thy own health and begin it.

[86.] The beginning of our late unnaturall broyles, was, among other causes imputed chiefly to the imposition of Ship-money, for which Mr _Hambden_ was condemned in the Exchequer in a penall Sume by the consent of ten of the judges, who gave their opinion that that Taxe was legal, only Judge _Hutton_, and Judge _Crook_ declared against it, so that a stop was put to the levying of it, whereupon a Countryman, no friend to the prerogative, said Wittily, The King may get Ship-money by _Hooke_, but not by _Crook_; but since that time other taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by _Hook_ and _Crook_ together.

[17.] A Country Farmer being sick, he and his Wife came to a Doctor, who advised him to drink Asses Milk and Sugar every morning, but if you can get no Asses milk come to me and I'll help you to some: says his Wife to him, pray _do you think that the Doctor gives suck?_

[61.] There was a Gentleman whose onely study and practice was Manhood, as football playing, Wrastling, Pitching the ball, throwing of Weights, Riding, and Fencing, in which active practises he was so perfect, that he over match'd all men that came neer him, insomuch, that he was the Glory of the _West of England_, and he was the Conqueror of all men that came to him, and grew froward that he could not find any man fit to match him, but it happened that one day after hunting, at a drinking Match in an Ale house, by chance he met a _North Countryman_ who was highly extolling a great Gamester like himself in the _North_, who performed all exercises that were manly, and a person that was an over commer of all that durst engage him. The _Western_ Gentleman desired his name and habitation, which was soon told him. But when he heard it, he was impatient of further delay, and therefore in order for a Journey to him he provided himself of all conveniences, and rid into the North, where with little enquiry he found the Gentleman's house, and knocking at the gate, he was informed by a Servant that his Master was in his Parke a mile off. The Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand (guided by the Servants direction) he went to him, where he found him mending of a pale. Now take notice that this _North Country_ Gentleman was a very stout man, but of very few words; and the _Western_ Gentleman of as many, who thus began to accost him: Sir, I have intelligence that you are the stoutest man in all the _North_, and I am as highly reputed in the _West_, which hath provoked me to find you out, that we may trye both our strength and our skill, so far that fortune and time may Crown one of us, the only glorious man in _England_. The _North_ Countryman was still at his worke: but heard distinctly all that he said: but returned no answer, onely when the other had ended speaking, and expected a reply the _North_ Countryman comes fairly to him, puts his hand under his twist,[F. 138] and pitcheth him over the Park pales; the _West_ Country man seeing him do that so easily, began to think there was no contending with him, and therefore very civilly, with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these words, I thank you, Sir, heartily. Pray throw my Horse over too.

[Footnote 138: Cotgrave says "twist" answers to the French "fourchure," a fork, or division, _i.e._ he caught hold of him between his legs.]

Be not wroth _Cotta_, that I not salute thee, [5.] I us'd it whilst I worthy did repute thee; Now thou art made a painted Saint, and I, _Cotta_, will not commit Idolatry.

[4.] A Lusty young Man in _Somersetshire_, after he had been Married about four Months, grew very Lean and Feeble, so that he cou'd hardly crawl a long; He, one day, seeing a Butcher run over a Plough'd Field after a Mad Bull, ask'd him the reason of it. Why, says the Butcher it is to Tame him: O, says the Fellow, Let him be Married, let him be Married; if that don't Tame him, I'll be hang'd.

The Scolding WIFE.

To a pleasant New Tune.

There was a young man for lucre of gain [87.] he lov'd a Widow well, His friends did tell him often and plain, in scolding she did excel.

Why that is no matter, quoth he, so I may have her Bags of Gold, Let her not spare to Brawl and Scold, for I'll be as merry, as merry can be.

This Woodcock wedded his hearts desire, a Widow with Money enough; They was not so soon out of the Quire, ee'r she began to snuff.[F. 139]

Methink you be very fine, you can no quicker get you hence, Without such large and great expence, of Sugar'd Sops and Musick to dine.

They was not all at supper set, or at the board sate down, E'er she began to brawl and scold, and call'd him a peaking Clown:

That nothing could he doe that was pleasing in her sight, But still she scolded day and night, which made this merry man's heart full of woe.

If he had provided any good cheer, for him and her alone, Then she wou'd a said, with words more hot, you might a done this of your own;

If sparingly he will be, then she would have said, with words more hot, I will not be pinch'd of what I brought, but of mine own I will be free.

That nothing he could doe, that was pleasing in his sight But still she scolded day and night, which made this merry man's heart full of woe.

A hundred times he curst the Priest, the Clerk, the Sexton too. And tongue that did the Widow wooe and legs that brought him first.

It fell out upon a day that with his friends he did devise To break her of her scolding guise, and what they did they shall be wary;

They got and tyed her Arms, she could not them undoe. And many other pretty Charms they used her unto.

Her Petticoat was rent and torn, upon her Back they did put on, They tore her smock sleeves all along, as if a Bedlam she had been born;

Her hair about her head they shook, all with a Bramble bush. They ring her Arms in every crook till out the blood did gush,

And with an Iron Chain fast by the leg he did her tye There within an old dark House by; so soon he went away again;

And with a countenance so sad he did his Neighbours call. Quoth he my Wife is Mad, she doth so rave and brawl;

Help Neighbours all therefore, to see if that you can reclaim, My Wife into her Wits again for she is troubled wondrous sore.

FINIS.

Printed for B. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.

[Footnote 139: To take umbrage.]

[82.] A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly faire house new built, but the broken brickes, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and such rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings, lay confusedly in heapes and scattered here and there: The Cardinall demanded of his Survayor wherefore the rubbish was not conveyed away: The Survayor said that he proposed to hyre an hundred Carts for the purpose. The Cardinall replyed that the charge of Carts might be saved, for a pitt might bee digged in the ground and bury it. My Lord, said the Survayor, I pray you what shall wee doe with the earth which we digge out of the said pit? Why, thou Coxcombe, said the Cardinall, canst thou not dig the pit deepe enough, and bury all together?

[77.] At _Salisbury_, _Tarlton_ & his fellowes were to play before the Maior & his brethren: but one of his company (a yong man) was so drunke, that he could not; whereat _Tarlton_, as mad angry, as he was mad drunke, claps me on his legs a huge pair of bolts.[F. 140] The fellow dead asleepe, felt nothing. When all was done, they convayed him to the Jayle on a Man's back, and intreated the Jailer to doe God good service, and let him lye there til he waked. While they were about their sport, the felow waked, & finding himselfe in durance, & the Jaile hung round with bolts and shackles, he began to blesse himselfe, & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some mischiefe. With this hee called to know, but none came to him; then hee thought verily his fault was capitall, and that hee was close prisoner. By and by comes the Keeper, and mooved him, that one so yong should come to so shamefull a death as hanging. Anon, another comes, and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle. But at last comes _Tarlton_ and others, intreating the Keeper, yet if it might bee, that they might see their fellow ere they went. But hee very hardly was intreated. But at length the poore drunken Signior cald out for them. In they come. Oh _Tom_, saies _Tarlton_, hard was thy hap, in drunkennes to murder this honest man, and our hard hap too, to have it reported, any of our company is hang'd for it. O God, O God saies the fellow, is my fault so great? then commend me to all my friends. Well, short tale to make, the fellow forswore drunkennes, if hee could escape, and by as cunning a wile (to his thinking) they got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who was not a little glad to be gone. But see how this iest wrought: by little and little the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time altered his desire of drunkennes.

[Footnote 140: Shackles or fetters.]

A Barber left handed [12.] Trim'd so well, that he bandy'd[F. 141] With all the Barbers in the _Strand_, For he trims dextrously;[F. 142] But that I deny, 'Cause he does it with his left hand.

[Footnote 141: Was at feud. _Minsheu_ gives its meaning "to join in a faction" and its equivalent in French as "bander," "mutiner." _Fleming_ translates "bander" "to rise--to band against one."]

[Footnote 142: Dexter, _Lat._, right hand.]

[17.] _John_ came to _Thomas_ his house to speak with him: but _Thomas_ came to the door, and bid his Maid say he was not at home, which _John_ overheard; Two or three days after, _Thomas_ came to speak with _John_, and _John_ looks out a window, and told him he was not at home: Why do you say so? do I not see you at home? Hey day, says _John_, I believed your Maid you were not at home and you will not believe me my own self.

[78.] One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living.

[61.] There was a Gentleman who had been very smartly drinking at the Feathers Tavern in _Cheapside_, where there is a very long entry from the street door to the Bar, and a drinking roome by the way where were many civill persons with their wives at supper, but their door was only shut to and not latched; and this Gentleman staggering thorough, reeld against this door, and fell head long into the Room, to the sudden astonishment of the Company, who rise up and demanded the reason of that rudenesse; the poor Gentleman with very much adoe got up, and staggering with his hat in his hand he made hard shift to cry them all mercy in these words, Gentlemen and Ladyes, I pray excuse my boldnesse, and consider I am not the first that have fallen into ill Company.

The following throws much light on the habits of people in the reign of Charles II., and is valuable as it shows a phase of life not often depicted.

[85.] _A Lampoon on the_ Greenwich _Strowlers_.

Oh! assist me you Powers, who have Rhimes at command, For I faith I've a weighty business in hand. Of the late _Greenwich_ Strowlers I'me now going to sing, But all things in order--first, God save the King.

Hem; hem; now put we off to the matter, On _Easter_ Sunday, the Raskals took water; Where landing at _Greenwich_, they agreed that a share Should be settled o' th' Sculler, instead of his fare.

Then up they march'd to the sign of the Bull, Where asking for Lodging, quoth the folks we are ful. But we'el see for some for you, and so with that wheadle, Ud's lid, exit's the Landlord, and enter the Beadle.

With that their Chief Actor begins for to bristle, Quoth he, p'shaw waw, let the Beadle go whistle, For I can; and he did, too, produce straight a Pattent, That had the King's Hand and Seal, and all that in't.

Well this rub of fortune is over; but stay, They call for a Reckning, theres six Pence to pay. Now mark how damn'd fortune these Strowlers do's cozen, They pawn all their stock to pay the half dozen.

But promising th' Host that he should Tricket free, See their Plays every day, and his whole family. He releases 'em straight, and now all the rabble Marcht up to go lye in their Play house,--a Stable.

* * * * *

* * * * *

I confess they had never a Scene at all, They wanted no copy, they had th' original. For the Windowes being down, and most part of the roof, How could they want Scenes when they had prospect enough.

Now we will suppose that _Munday_ is come, And the Play is proclaymed by beat of a Drum. Faith, now you're supposing, let it be _Tuesday_ morn, For of _Monday_, I know no more than the child unborn.

It's said that they Acted not upon _Monday_, Something was wanting, and so they lost one day. They send unto _London_, what's lacking is gotten, And so on the next day, w'ye all things did cotten.

The Prizes they took, were a Londoners groat, A Gentleman's size,[F. 143] but his skipkennel's[F. 144] pot. The Townsmen they let in for drink and good chear, The School boys for peace, and the Seamen for fear.

On _Tuesday_ at three a clock I was we'e 'em, I kist their doorkeeper, and went in to see 'em. Being enter'd an Actor[F. 145] straight brought me a stool, Hee'd a held my cloak too, but I wa'nt such a fool.

The first that appear'd, when I was come in, With her train to her ankles, was who but the Queen. She civilly made me a curtsy and straight, Retired to sit on her Fagots of state.

Then in came the King with a Murtherous mind, Gainst his new married Queen, which when I did find, I call'd him a side, and whispering in's Ear, Desired him to fetch me a Flagon of Bear.

There's twelve pence, said I, take the rest for your pains, Your Servant said he, Sir, sweet Mr _Haines_. His Majesty, faith, I must needs say was civil, For he took up his Heels, and ran for't like a Devil.

Meantime I addrest myself to his Bride, And took her unto the tireing House side; A hay loft it was which at a dead lift, Instead of a better serv'd then for a shift.

But mark the Fate of her Civility, The Players did rant both at her and me: And therefore because for fear she'd be lack'd I ordred the Drummer to beat a long Act.

He beat and he beat, but no Queen appear'd, He beat till at length the house was all clear'd: By my Troath a sad loss, but to make 'em amends, I threw 'em a Crown, and we were all Friends: And so this Renowned History ends.

[Footnote 143: Sixpence--the 6 on dice being called "size."]

[Footnote 144: Footman or footboy.]

[Footnote 145: This is an allusion to the custom of the gallants sitting on stools on the stage, so frequently spoken of by the dramatists of the sixteenth century. Indeed Queen Anne found it necessary to issue two proclamations forbidding people other than actors to go on the stage.]

[52.] A Gentleman upon a time having a man that could write and read well, rebuked him one day for idlenesse, saying, If I had nothing to do, like thee, I would to recreate my wit, set down all the fooles I knew. The fellow, making little answer, tooke his pen and inke, and as his Master had wished him, fell to setting down a Catalogue of the fooles that he was well acquainted with: among whom, and first of all, he set down his Master, who, reading his name, would needs know the nature of his folly; Marry, quoth he, In lending your Cozen twenty pound this other day: for I think he will never pay you. Yea but (quoth his Master) what if he do pay me? Then (quoth his man) I will put out your name, and put down his for a foole.

[20.] A Gentleman in _North Wales_ was standing in a Sunshiny day, upon a high rock near the Sea-Side in those parts; and as he was looking about, he saw an Island some Four miles from the shore or there abouts, upon which Island he spy'd two Hares playing one with another: Well, says he, are you got over there now; for I am sure I cours'd you both yesterday with my two Greyhounds, and then you shew'd me a trick, but now I'll shew you one. So he went immediately home, and fetch't his two Greyhounds, and a great Morter piece which he had of a Thousand pound weight, which he fastened between the two Dogs Necks; but he was forced to fasten a Cord to it also, lest the Dogs might run away with it; and when they had carry'd it to the Rock aforesaid, he charg'd the Morter piece, and presently the two Greyhounds slipt into it (for it seems they had been used to it) which two Greyhounds he ram'd in very well, and then discharg'd the Morter piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds (for you must know he shot with white Powder) and it so happened that says he, I protest t'ye Gentlemen (upon my honest word and Credit 'tis true) that the two Greyhounds each lighted upon a Hare as they were playing, and then kill'd 'em and immediately left the Island, and swam through the Sea with the Hares in their mouths, which were one boil'd and t'other roasted for my dinner. One ask't him what colour his Greyhounds were? He swore they were both black before, but the White Powder did so Change their Colour, that they were both turn'd grey; and so from them all of their kind were called Grey hounds, for their sakes to this day. They told him they thought this probable enough to be improbable. O Gentlemen, says he far be it from me to tell you a lie, for if you won't believe me, pray ask my Dogs.

_Upon Thorough-good, an unthrift._

Thy Sirname _Thorough-good_ befitteth thee, [5.] Thou _Thorough-good_, and good goes thorough thee, Nor thou in good, nor good in thee doth stay, Both of you thorough goe, and pass away.

[77.] _Tarlton_ having been domineering[F. 146] very late one night, with two of his friends, and comming homewards along Cheapeside, the Watch being then set, Master Constable asked, Who goes there? Three merry men, quoth _Tarlton_. That is not sufficient, What are you? quod M. Constable. Why, saies _Tarlton_, one of us is an eye maker, and the other a light maker. What saiest thou, knave, doest mocke me? the one is an eye maker, the other a light maker, which two properties belong unto God onely: commit these blasphemers, quoth the Constable. Nay, I pray you, good M. Constable, be good in your Office, I will approve what I have said to be true, qd. _Tarlton_. If thou canst, saies the Constable, you shall passe, otherwise you shall be all three punished. Why (qd. _Tarlton_) this fellow is an eye maker, because a Spectacle maker, and this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn. The Constable, seeing them so pleasant, was well contented. The rest of the Watchmen laughed: & Tarlton with his two Companions went home quietly.

[Footnote 146: Roystering.]

[78.] One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman because of evils the least was to be chosen.

[26.] A crafty Fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by his Creditors, that they would have him, if he was above ground, got himself into a Cellar, and there lay with the Tapster; and being reproved for so doing, he told them there's no fear of catching him there, because 'twas underground, and they durst not break their Oaths, because they swore they would have him above Ground.

THE

UNFORTUNATE FENCER;[F. 147]

or

_The Couragious Farmer of_ Gloucester-shire

shewing

How this huffing Spark went down into those Parts, Challenging any one at all sorts of Weapons; and at length (was) shamefully Conquer'd by a Country Farmer.

To the Tune of _The Spinning Wheel_.

Licensed according to Order.

You that delight in merriment, [88.] be pleased attend a while, I hope to give you all content, this very Song will make you smile; 'Tis of a Fencer brave and bold, adorn'd with rich embroider'd Gold.

This Spark in pomp, and rich array, from _London_ rid with right good will, That he young Lords might learn to play all sorts of Weapons by his skill; And whereso e'er this Fencer came, the drum, and trumpet blaz'd his fame.

This huffing Fencer, fierce and Stout, to _Gloucester_ City did repair, And for a Sign he then hung out a Sword of grand Defiance there; The which a Farmer did espy, as he by Chance was passing by.