Part 14

[78.] One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of _Teneriff_ (which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in the worlde) asked him why he had not stay'd there, for he was perswaded hee would never come so neere heaven againe.

[32.] I consume my mother that bare me, I eat my nurse that fed me, then I dye leaving all blind that saw me.

_Solution._ Meant of the flame of a Candle, which having consumed both wax and weeke, goeth out leaving them in the dark that saw by it.

The following shows the extent to which political satire can be carried, and its wit and rarity must be my apology for introducing it:--

The PARLIAMENTS X _Commandements_

[79.] 1. Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS and COMMONS assembled at Westminster.

2. Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor yeeld obedience to any of his Commands; neither shalt thou weare any Image either of him or his Posterity; thou shalt not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our Votes, Orders, and Ordinances.

3. Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names in vaine.

4. Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that is Our Sabbath; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it.

5. Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother, so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee.

6. Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne, and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth.

7. Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase and multiply the Saints.

8. Thou shalt get all thou canst; part from nothing; doe no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts.

9. Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the Saints may enjoy abundance of all things.

10. Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that belongs unto him; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be a wicked or ungodly Person.

All these Commandements Wee require you, and every of you with all diligence to observe; and We your LORDS and GODS will incline your hearts to keepe the Same.

The Parliaments PATER NOSTER.

Our Fathers, which think your Houses of Parliament to be heaven; you would be honoured as GODS, because CHARLES his Kingdome is come unto you; your wills must be done on earth, as unto the God of heaven; you have gotten the day, and dispose of our daily bread; you will not forgive any, neither must you look to be forgiven; you lead us into rebellion and all other mischiefs, but cannot deliver us from evil. Yours is the Kingdom, the power and glory, Parliament everlasting. _Amen_.

The ARTICLES of the FAITH.

I Beleeve in CROMWELL, the Father of all Schisme, Sedition, Heresy and Rebellion, and in his onely Son _Ireton_, our Saviour, begotten by the Spirit in a hole, borne of a winching Mare, suffered under a house of Office at _Brainford_, he deserves to be drawn, hang'd and quartered, and to remain unburied: for he descended into _Hull_, the third day he rose up in Rebellion against his KING, and now sitteth at the right hand of the gods at Westminster. He beleeves there is no Holy Ghost, nor Catholique Church, nor forgiveness of sins, but the Communion of the Sisters, the resurrection of his Members, and Parliament everlasting. AMEN.

_Ordered._--That these new Commandements, Pater Noster, and Creed be read in all Parish Churches and Congregations, throughout England and Wales.

One told a Principal [12.] That some Rogues of his Hall Had abus'd him late in his Stall; I desire some redress And you can do no less, 'Cause of 'em you are the Principal.

The Miser mump'd of his Gold.

or

The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in _Bartholomew_ Fair; shewing how she fed the Usurer with Pig, but made him pay for the Sawce.

To the Tune of _Let Cæsar live long_.

_Licensed according to order._

A Lady of Pleasure in Bartholomew Fair. [80.] Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair; In such rich Apparel she then did appear, As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year: _Of each huffing[F. 132] Gallant she would make an Ass_, _She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce_.

Among all the rest I will mention but one, A Miser, who is in fair London well known; Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name, Because I am willing to keep free from blame: _Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass_ _She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat; Except it was given him freely, and then He would eat as much as five labouring Men: _He hapn'd to meet with this beautiful Lass_ _Who fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

It hapn'd this Miser went over the Rounds[F. 133] And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds: The which he was going that Morning to lend: This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend _Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass:_ _She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine Nor any such liquors until he had Din'd: Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet, I now am resolved to give thee a treat: _Away to her chamber they straightways did pass_, _She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

A Dinner she straightways provided with speed, The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed; Concluding that he should have nothing to pay, But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way; _The Lady supply'd him with Glass after Glass_, _She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store, Till he was not able to drink any more; Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep, That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep: _Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass_, _She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

She shook him, and finding that he would not wake, The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take; Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest, This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest: _Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass_, _She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_,

Now he having told her before where he dwelt, In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt; Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife, The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife: _Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas!_ _Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first, And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust; Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care, For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware: _And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass_, _She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

Now just as the Porter came to his own Door, The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar; The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack! Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back: _But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas!_ _Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

The Wife she was frighten'd this Wretch to behold, The Miser stark-mad for his Silver and Gold; But all was in vain, tho' he search'd _Smithfield_ round, The Lady of Pleasure was not to be found: _Thus of an Old Miser she made a meer Ass_, _She gave him roast Pig, but he paid for his Sawce_.

[Footnote 132: Swaggering.]

[Footnote 133: Had been collecting money.]

[77.] In the Country where the Queenes Plaiers were accepted into a Gentleman's house, the waggon unloading of the apparell, the Wagoner comes to _Tarlton_ & doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses. I will saies he: & comming to the Steward, Sir, saies _Tarlton_, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at _Tarlton_ at that question, suddenly answered, If it please you, or them, let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire garden, let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley: and departs thence about his other businesse. _Tarlton_ commending the sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward, not quiet, tels to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven _Tarlton_ to a _non plus_ with a jest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which a Serving man loving _Tarlton_ well, ranne and told him as much. _Tarlton_, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest thus put off with a jest, goes away and gets two of the horses into the Garden, & turnes them into the bowling Alley, who with their heeles made havocke: being the Gentleman's only pastime. The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley call the Knight, who cries out to _Tarlton_, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing, Sir, saies he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender; a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowles, run, run, your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they smiled, yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, & they could not blame _Tarlton_, who did but as he was bidden. But by this Jest, oates and hay, stable room and all, was plenty.

Fast bind, fast find: my Bible was well bound; [81.] A Thiefe came fast, and loose my Bible found: Was't bound and loose at once? how can that be? 'Twas loose for him, although 'twas bound for me.

[78.] One sayd a prodigall was like a brush that spent it self to make others goe handsome in their Cloathes.

[61.] A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargaine: the Gentleman asked him what rent he paid? The Crooked man answered him, that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No! quoth the crooked Man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their mind, replyed his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they both laught, and went to dinner.

Mistris _Marina_ 'mongst some gossips sate, [5.] Where faces were the Subject of their Chat; Some look'd too pale, some seem'd too fiery red, Some brown, some black, and some ill fashioned. Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much to blame, Let's alone, and praise the maker of the same: Her Chamber maid, who heard her, standing by, Said, then love me, for that you know was I.

[82.] Myselfe caried an old fellow by water, that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scavenger; the water being somewhat rough, hee was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers) he threatened me, that if I did drowne him, hee would spend a hundred pound, but hee would see me hanged for it; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing, and so in little space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bank-side,[F. 134] (alias Paris Garden.) Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for if the Boat had miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose.

[Footnote 134: Paris Garden, Southwark, was a famous place for bear-baiting and other sports.]

One Goodman _Strong_ [12.] Said his Wife did long, And what was it for but Mackrill? But he told him no, It must not be so, She's well now, and that will make her ill.

[17.] There were three Brothers named _Buck_, and having venison, made three Pasties; and one of those who were invited was nam'd _Cooke_, and thinking to play upon the Brothers, said, Here is _Buck_, _Buck_, _Buck_. True, says one of the Brothers, _Buck_ is good meat, but what says the Proverb; _God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks_.

[4.] A Fool being very sick, and like to dye, one that went to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him Chear up. _For if you dye_, says he, _four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church_: _Ay but_, quoth he, _I had rather by half go thither myself_.

THE WELSHMAN'S PRAISE OF WALES.

I's not come here to tauke of _Prute_, [83.] From whence the _Welse_ does take her Root; Nor tell long Pedigree of Prince _Camber_, Whose Linage would fill full a Shamber; Nor sing the Deeds of old Saint _Davy_, The Ursip of which would fill a Navy; But hark ye now for a liddel Tales Sal make great deal to the Credit of _Wales_: For hur will tudge your Ears, With the Praise of hur Thirteen Seeres, And make you as Clad and Merry, As Fourteen Pot of Perry.

'Tis true was wear him _Shirkin Frieze_, But what is that? we have store of Sheize;

And Got is plenty of Coates Milk, That sell him well, will buy him silk Enough to make him fine to Quarrel, At _Hereford Sizes_ in new _Apparel_. And get him as much Melmet perhap Sall give it a Face to his _Monmouth Cap_. But then the Ore of _Lemster_, By Cot is Uver a Sempster; That when he is Spun or Did Yet match him with her Thrid.

And this the Backs now, let us tell ye Of some Provisions for the Belly; As _Cid_ and _Gote_ and great _Gote's Mother_, And _Runt_ and _Cow_ and great _Cow's Uther_: And once but taste on the _Welse Mutton_, Your _Engliss Seeps_ not worth a Button; Then for your _Fisse_, shall shoose it your Dish, Look but about, and there's a _Trout_, A Salmon, Cor or Chevin, Will feed you Six or Seven, As taull Men as e'er Swagger With _Welse Club_ and long _Dagger_.

But all this while was never think A word in praise of our _Welse_ Drink; Yet for aull that, is a Cup of _Bragat_, Aull _England_ Seer may cast his Cap at; And what you say to _Ale_ of _Webley_, Toudge him as well, you'll praise him Trebley. As well as _Metheglin_, or _Sider_, or _Meath_ Sall sake it your Dagger quite out o' the Seath. And _Oate Cake_ of _Guarthenion_, With a goodly Leek or Onion, To give as sweet a rellis, As e'er did Harper _Ellis_.

And yet is nothing now all this, If of our Musicks we do miss; With _Harp_ and _Pipes_ too and the _Croud_ Must aull come in and tauk aloud. As loud as _Bangu_, _Davy's_ Bell, Of which is no doubt you have hear tell, As well as our louder _Wrexam_ Organ, Or rumbling Rocks in the Seer of _Glamorgan_, Where look you but in the Ground here, And you sall see a Sound there, That put her all togedder, Is sweet as Measure Pedder.

[52.] In Barnet was a young woman, that when her husband lay a dying, sorrowed out of measure, for feare that shee should lose him. Her father came to her, desiring her to be contented: for he had provided her another husband, a far more handsome man. But she did not onely continue in her sorrow, but was also greatly displeased, that her father made any motion to her of any other husband. As soone as her other husband was buried and the Sermon was done, and they were at supper, between sobbing and weeping, shee rounded her father in the eare, and said, Father, where is the young man that you told me should bee my husband? for very shortly I purpose to be maried. At which her father suddenly fell a laughing.

[82.] A Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing, and many times when he had lost all his money, then hee would pawne his cloake, and so goe home without either cloak or coyne, which grieved the Lady his Mother very much: for remedy whereof, she caused all his doublets (of what stuffe so ever) to be made with canvasse painted backes, whereon were fashioned two fooles, which caused the Gentleman ever after to keepe his cloake on his backe, for feare two of the three should be discovered.

I was took by a fly, [12.] Says a Fish; but I deny That, for had he not took the fly At first in his mouth, He had not, in truth, Then have been tost up so high.

[52.] There was an unthrift in London, that had received of a Merchant certain Wares, which came to fifty pounds, to pay at three moneths; and at three moneths. But when he had it he consumed and spent it all: so that at the six moneths end there was not any left to pay the Merchant: Wherefore the Merchant arrested him. When he saw there was no other remedy, but either to pay the debt, or go to prison, he sent to a subtill Lawyer, and asked his Counsell how he might clear himself of that debt. What wilt thou give me, (quoth he) if I do? Five marks (quoth the other) and here it is: and as soon as you have done, you shall have it. Well, said the Lawyer, but thou must be ruled by my counsell, and do thus: When thou commest before the Judge, whatsoever he saith unto thee, answer thou nothing, but cry Bea, still, and let me alone with the rest. So when he came before the Judge, he said to the Debter, Dost thou owe this Merchant so much money? Bea (quoth he). What, beast? (quoth he) answer to that I aske thee. Bea (quoth he again.) Why, how now? quoth the Judge, I think this fellow hath gotten a sheeps tongue in his head: for he answereth in the sheeps language. Why, Sir, quoth the Lawyer, do you think this Merchant that is so wise a man, would be so foolish, as to trust this Ideot with fifty pounds worth of ware, that can speak never a word? No, Sir, I warrant you--And he persuaded the Judge to cast the Merchant in his own suit. And so the Judge departed, and the Court brake up. Then the Lawyer came to his Client, and asked him his Money, since his promise was performed, and his debt discharged. Bea (quoth he.) Why, thou needs't not cry Bea any longer, but pay me my money. Bea, (quoth he again). Why thou wilt not serve me so, I hope, (quoth the Lawyer) now I have used thee so kindly? But nothing but Bea could Master Lawyer get for his paines, and so was faine to depart with a flea in his eare.

_Dolens_ doth shew his purse, and tels you this, [5.] It is more horrid than a Pest-house is; For in a Pest-house many mortals enter, But in his purse, one angell dares not venture.

[61.] An old merry Parson that lived in the old merry dayes, being a little purblined by being a very good fellow that would alwayes pay his Clubb,[F. 135] having sat up late on the Satterday night, was a little unfitted in his eyes to read right the next morning; turned to a Chapter in _Exodus_, the beginning of the Chapter began thus, _And God told Moses_ &c, but, his eyes failing him, like a true Clubber he read thus, _And the Lord told Noses_[F. 136] &c--

[Footnote 135: _i.e._ His share of the liquor consumed.]

[Footnote 136: Counted heads, so that all should pay their due proportion.]

[78.] Two Gentlemen talking in latin, in the presence of a woman, she grew jealous that they spake of her, and desired them to speake english that she might answer them, for she said she was perswaded when men spake latin, although they spake but two words, that still one of them was naught: where upon one of the Gentlemen sayd presently, _Bona mulier_,[F. 137] she replyed, I know _bona_ is good, but I'le warrant ye the other word meanes something that's nought.

[Footnote 137: _Good woman._]

The

Young-Man & Maidens Forecast;

shewing how

They Reckon'd their _Chickens_ before they were Hatcht.

To the Tune of, _The Country Farmer_, Or _The Devonshire Damosels_.

This may be Printed R. P.

I'll tell you a Jest of a Provident Lass, [84.] Whose Providence prov'd her a Provident Ass; She laid forth her store in such brittle Ware, That very small profit did fall to her share; Thirteen to the Dozen of Eggs she would buy, And set a Hen over them carefully; As long as she went her footing she watch'd, She counted her Chickens before they were Hatch'd.

Said she, if these Chickens five Capons do prove, Capons be Meat which Gentlemen love; Those Chickens she would sell to buy a Sow-Pig, That it might have young ones e're it was big; Then with her Pigs she would have an Ewe, It may have Lambs not kill'd with the Dew; And, as she was thinking to buy her a Calf, Her Heels they flew from her a Yard and a half.

Her Heels kiss'd the ground, and up flew her Leggs, Down came her Basket, and broke all her Eggs; There lay her Pigs, her Chickens, her Lambs, She could not have young ones unless she had Dams; Thus Fortune did frown by a fall that she catcht, Her Chickens prov'd Addle, before they were Hatcht: Attend but a while, and I'le briefly declare, Bad fortune did likewise fall to the Man's share.

And now the Man to the Market will go, To see what Dame Nature on him will bestow; He bought him five Eggs, thinking to Thrive, And thus did the business finely contrive; Said he, if these Eggs five Cocks they will frame, And most of them prove to be Cocks of the Game, So soon as their Spurs are long enough grown, Then I may ingross a Cock Pit of my own.

Then may I have Gallants of every sort, Both Lords, Knights and Squires, and all to see sport, If they Fight bravely these Gallants to please, I may come to get Means by the rearing of these: And when I have done, I'll get me a rich Wife, That I may live happy all days of my Life; And in the Church we will be loving matcht, But count not your Chickens before they are Hatcht.

And when he came home he set his Eggs by, He could not get up, the Roost was so high; But fetching a Ladder, that unhappy time, It was his hard luck with his Eggs for to Climb; These Ladders prove fatal to many a Man, And are undone by them now and then; So was this poor Man undone by a Fall, Down comes the Basket, Man, Eggs and all.

There lay the poor Man with a fall almost Lame, His Cock-Pits and Gallants, and Cocks of the Game; The loosing of this grieved him to the Life, Yet the grief it was more in the loss of his Wife; All you young Men live vertuous Lives, And think to get Portions now by your Wives; Take warning by me before you are Matcht, _Pray count not your Chickens before they be Hatcht_.

FINIS.

Printed for _P. Brooksby_ at the _Golden Ball_ in _Pye Corner_ near _West Smithfield_.

[17.] In _Ireland_, a Bag-piper coming for _England_ with his Snapsack on his shoulder, as he sate at dinner in a wood, three Wolves began to accost him; then he threw one bread, and another meat, and still they crept nearer to him; Upon which, being afraid, he took his bagpipes and began to play, at which noise the Wolves all ran away: A pox take you, says he, If I had known you had loved Musick so well, you should have had it before dinner.