Part 2

MARY. (_Jumping up and laughing._) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, dear, never was anything managed so cleverly. Ha, ha, ha, ha! (_Throwing off cap and neckerchief._) To think that he didn't know me; and what a rage he was in. Well, now I'm ready for him in another character. (_Takes off her leggings and blouse, and appears dressed as a young man of fashion. Surveys herself in the cheval-glass._) Yes, it will do--it will do--a very smart little fellow, not extensive, but uncommonly well got up. These were the clothes that poor Brown got to be married in; they fit me to a nicety. (_Knock at door_, L.) Come in.

_Enter two WAITERS, L., carrying tray with supper, covered dishes, plates, bottles, &c._

WAI. Supper, sir, ordered by Mr. Widgetts.

MARY. Supper! Oh, yes! All right. Mr. Widgetts is out, but he'll be back presently; leave it on this table if you please. (_Waiter places tray on table, R., back._) There, that will do! Plates, knives, and forks. All right! You need not wait, young man.

WAI. Thank you, sir. Anything else, sir?

MARY. No; everything is beautiful, thank you.

WAI. Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.

MARY. Good night.

[_Exit Waiters, L. Mary looks under the covers._]

Lobsters, roast fowl, kidneys. Ah, the ungrateful wretch never asked me to such a supper; but never mind. Hark, I hear him returning.

[_She throws the blouse, hat, and gaiters, into the clothes-basket and carries all into the chamber, R._

WID. (_Entering, L., and shouting through speaking-trumpet._) Now, young fell--low, I sa--a--ay! Hey, he's gone and the coast's clear! (_Sees supper-tray._) Oh! What! They've sent the supper from the tavern. I quite forgot it. Dear me, this dreadful affair has so upset me and given me such a turn that I doubt I'll never come straight again. What will Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce think of me? I dare say she's been here and gone? Everybody's gone but my interesting victim. Ah, she's still there, standing, with all her imperfections, on her head in the water-butt! Well, I suppose everyone has his lot, but mine's a lot I don't know how to dispose of. I must remove the body from the establishment at all events, and I'll do it now, while the house is still. (_Goes to folding-doors and puts key in the lock._) I haven't strength to open the door with them green boots kicking at my conscience! Courage, Widgetts--courage! Be a man--though you are but a tailor. Stay! I'll take a thimbleful of brandy first. (_Takes bottle from table and pours out a glass, which he drinks._) Ah, that's a reviver. (_Drinks and comes down._) Betts has raised the standard of British spirit in my heart. (_Drinks._) Well, we all want comfort in this miserable world. (_Drinks._) There's poor Mary White gone on a weeping and _wailing_ voyage to that bourne from whence no traveller gets a return ticket. (_Mary laughs in room, R._) Ah, what's that? A laugh. It had a hollow and inhuman sound. Could it be _she?_ (_Points to folding-doors._) Mary--a--a--a--how do I know--she may have been turned into something horrible. The fiend of the water butt, perhaps. She may come to me at night--she said she would. Oh, Lord! The idea of the ghost of a damp laundress at your back. (_Shudders._) W--h--h--h--hew! (_Mary laughs._) There, it is again, that demoniac laugh. I wish I could peep into the kitchen! But I daren't, lest I should see her glaring at me with one eye through the bung-hole of the water-butt. Bless me, how my knees keep giving double knocks upon each other. (_Mary sings in room._) Ah, surely that's singing! (_Listens._) Ghosts haven't got a singing license. Hark! 'Tis somebody committing vocal violence in my bedroom. (_Goes to door of bed-chamber, R., and looks in._) Hey, there's a young fellow making himself quite at home in my establishment. I am not aware I ever saw him before. What had I better do? Go in and ask him what he wants? No; that might be dangerous. 'Twill be safer in my present peculiar position to appear as a stranger. Let me see. I have it--capital idea--the waiter from the tavern with the supper--I think I could _do_ a waiter. It's only, "Coming, sir, in _one_ minute--coming; two brandies and water, coming, sir." (_He ties one of the supper napkins round his neck for a white cravat, changes his coat for an old black one that hangs on the back of a chair, while doing so he looks into the room now and again._) There goes my Macassar oil and my Circassian cream. There, my eau de cologne too, that cost me half-a-guinea a bottle. An impudent rascal! D----n me, if he's not rummaging my drawers! That's free and easy at all events. Come, I think I'm pretty well disguised now. (_Looks at himself in the cheval-glass._) No; confound it, this face of mine will never do--it might be known. I want a pair of whiskers to hide it. Ecod, I've hit it again. This chair--(_takes knife from table and cuts open the stuffed seat of the chair_)--there's enough hair in it to whisker a regiment of Turks.

(_Pulls a handful of the hair out of the chair-seat, goes to the chimney-glass and arranges it round his chin so as to look like a pair of large whiskers._)

_Enter from room, R., MARY WHITE, still dressed as a young man, and drying her hands with a towel._

MARY. (_Aside and laughing._) Heavens, what a figure.

WID. Hem! A----I beg your pardon--but you seem--a--eh----

MARY. Exactly. And who are you?

WID. Me--I--a--ah--I'm--a--the waiter--from the tavern.

MARY. Perhaps, then, you can tell me where I can find Mr. Widgetts?

WID. Not exactly. You've particular business with him?

MARY. Rather. In fact--I don't mind telling you--I'm one of the detective police.

WID. (_Alarmed._) You!--a gentleman?

MARY. Oh, yes, we go about in all manner of disguises, when we want to pick up a shy bird. Now, I'm looking for Widgetts, and I shouldn't mind giving five pounds if you could tell me where to lay my hand upon him.

(_Lays her hand on Widgetts' shoulder, who starts._)

WID. Ah! Ha, ha, ha! Five pounds! Is it a--very serious business, eh?

MARY. Merely a hanging matter.

WID. Nothing more? (_Aside._) The dreadful deed's discovered. I'll be off. Hem, well, I'll go and look after Mr. Widgetts.

MARY. No, no; you must stop here. I've no doubt I shall want you presently.

_Enter MADEMOISELLE CHERI BOUNCE, L._

CHERI. I beg pardon.

WID. (_Aside._) Zounds! Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce.

CHERI. I expected to meet a gent--Mr. Widgetts.

MARY. Who invited you to supper?

(_Crosses to L._)

WID. (_Aside._) How did the fellow know that?

MARY. My friend, Widgetts, has been obliged to leave home rather suddenly, but he has left me here to perform the agreeable for him. Supper, you see, is waiting, Ma'amselle.

WID. (_Coming forward._) Allow me to observe----

MARY. Lay the table.

WID. (_Aside._) The rascal's not going to eat my supper!

(_Lays the table, C._)

CHERI. (_Aside._) Really a very nice young man.

MARY. My name is Spraggs--Spraggs, ma'amselle. Like my friend, Widgetts, I'm dotingly fond of the girls--aw--paws'itive fact--can't help it, never could, and don't think I ever shall. Let me take your shawl. (_Takes off Cheri Bounce's shawl._) A divine figure--demme!

WID. (_Coming between them._) Allow me to observe----

MARY. Lay the table, waiter.

WID. (_Aside._) D--n the table. (_Lays the plates and dishes and places the chairs. Mary White gallants Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, apart. Widgetts, C., polishing a plate, furiously._) Here's a pleasant situation, waiter at my own supper, and afraid to open my mouth. The rascal's making love to her, and she likes it! Hang 'em, I wish I could strangle them.

(_Mary White and Mdlle. Cheri Bounce laughing._)

CHERI. Oh, you droll wretch, you're ten times funnier than that stupid Widgetts.

MARY. Hang Widgetts.

WID. (_Coming between them._) I beg your pardon.

MARY. What d'ye want? Is the table laid?

WID. (_Aside._) D--n the table. (_Returns to table, and bawls out._) Supper's ready!

MARY. Ah! (_To Cheri Bounce._) Come, my dear.

(_Widgetts seats himself at table._)

MARY. What!

WID. (_Jumps up._) Beg pardon--I vacate.

(_Mary White, R., and Cheri Bounce, L., seat themselves at table._)

MARY. Now, my dear ma'amselle, here are fowl, and lobster, and kidneys.

WID. (_Aside._) I wish they were sticking in his gizzard.

MARY. Now then, waiter, be alive, and take your tin.

(_Claps one of the dish covers on Widgetts' head, who snatches it off, and flings it away in a rage._)

WID. Allow me to observe----

MARY. There's no bread, my good fellow.

WID. Coming. (_Aside._) D--n the bread.

(_Goes to a table at back, on which is a loaf of bread and rolls._)

MARY. What part of the fowl shall I send you, ma'amselle?

CHERI. The funny idea, Mr. Spraggs, if you please.

MARY. The funny idea! Well, I never!

CHERI. The merry thought, you know.

MARY. Oh, to be sure! Yes, the funny idea.

(_Cutting the fowl._)

WID. Bread.

(_Claps the loaf of bread on the dish before Mary White, who throws it at him._)

MARY. Roll, stupid. Plates, waiter. (_Widgetts puts the roll under his arm, and hands plates to Mary White._) Allow me to add a kidney. They look beautiful.

CHERI. Thank you.

(_Mary White puts some fowl and a sausage on the plate, which she gives to Widgetts for Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, and then helps herself._)

WID. (_Comes down with the plate in his hand._) How uncommon savoury it smells. He's not looking.

(_Takes the kidney off the plate, and puts it in his pocket._)

MARY. Waiter. (_Widgetts lays the plate before Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._) Open that champagne, waiter.

WID. (_Aside._) My champagne, too!

(_Opening a bottle of champagne._)

MARY. (_Helps Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._) I hope you liked your kidney.

CHERI. What kidney, Mr. Spraggs?

WID. (_Snatching the kidney out of his pocket, and putting it, unperceived, on Mdlle. Cheri Bounce's plate._) Why, that kidney.

CHERI. Dear me, I didn't perceive it before.

(_Widgetts places champagne on the table._)

MARY. Celery, waiter. (_Widgetts goes to table at back for celery. Mary White fills two glasses of champagne, and drinks with Mdlle. Cheri Bounce. Widgetts returns with stalks of celery in his coat pocket, and, without being perceived, takes the champagne bottle, fills a glass for himself, comes down and drinks, R._) I say, Ma'amselle, this is rare fun.

CHERI. Glorious!

MARY. I'll give you, the absent Widgetts.

CHERI. I've no objection to drink poor Widgetts' health, but I don't at all wish for his company. He's such a particularly conceited fool.

WID. (_Aside, and scarcely able to restrain himself._) Do I look like a fool? (_They drink. Widgetts comes to the table._) As the sole surviving friend of Mr. Widgetts, will you allow me to say----

(_Presses the plate to his breast. Knock at door, L._)

MARY. Hold your tongue and open the door.

(_Mary White and Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce rise._)

CHERI. Perhaps 'tis Widgetts.

WID. No, it isn't. Widgetts is--elsewhere.

(_Knocking at door, L._)

BROWN. (_Outside door._) Open the door. I must come in.

CHERI. Heavens! That's Brown's voice. If he finds me here I shall be ruined.

(_Alarmed._)

WID. Don't let him in.

(_Runs to door, L._)

CHERI. Where on earth can I conceal myself? Ah, here! (_Throws open folding doors. Widgetts stands transfixed with terror; Mdlle. Cheri Bounce screams in a state of dreadful alarm._) Oh, oh, oh! There's a woman drowned in the water-butt.

MARY. 'Tis Mary White, the laundress. Widgetts murdered her.

WID. I'll be d----d if he did!

MARY. Never mind, he'll be hanged for it all the same.

[_Exit through folding-doors which she closes after her._

WID. Widgetts hanged! You might as well hang me.

CHERI. Good heavens! What a horrid place I've got into. (_Knocking at door, L., Brown outside calling_ "Let me in! Open the door.") Oh, that Brown will make another victim of _me!_

(_Runs into chamber, R._)

_Enter BROWN, L._

BROWN. Where is she? Where's Mademoiselle Cheri Bounce? I know she's here.

WID. I beg your pardon, she left here half an hour ago! I called the cab for her myself--a patent hansom, No. 749.

BROWN. Where's Widgetts, then? Where's the villain Widgetts, the destroyer of my happiness?

WID. My good fellow, don't be outrageous! Mr. Widgetts is unfortunately absent--he's gone to close the eyes of a dying uncle, and won't be back to-night.

_Enter TWILL, L._

TWILL. Oh, please, sir, they wouldn't admit the order at the Adelphi! (_Sees Widgetts and bursts into a fit of laughter._) Ha, ha, ha, ha! Why surely this ain't Guy Faux day, Mr. Widgetts?

BROWN. Widgetts!

CHERI. (_At door, R._) Widgetts?

(_Retires._)

TWILL. Of course! That's Mr. Widgetts, my master; I'll never deny him.

WID. (_Aside._) Then I've nothing for it but a bolt--out of my bedroom window.

(_Rushes into chamber, R.; Mdlle. Cheri Bounce screams inside. Widgetts rushes out again followed by Mdlle. Cheri Bounce beating him with her umbrella._)

CHERI. Stop him! Don't let him escape! He has murdered a woman.

TWILL. Murdered a woman? Oh, the dirty blackguard, what a taste he had.

(_Brown attempts to seize him, but Widgetts strikes his hat over his eyes, runs round the table, and runs to door, L., against which Twill has placed his back._)

TWILL. (_In a boxing attitude._) No, you don't.

(_Brown now collars him, and Cheri Bounce beats him with her umbrella._)

BROWN. Ha, have I got you at last--(_shaking him_)--villain!

WID. Help! Murder! Police! Help!

TWILL. (_Dancing at door, L._) Police! Here's an illigant row. Go it, little one--fire away, umbrella! She don't lay it into him at all.

WID. Stop, stop, stop! Spare the remnant of an injured tailor's life. You think I cut off Mary White's thread; but I didn't! The horrid act was her own deed. She got jealous of me, and mixed her proud spirit with too much water. She'd tell you so herself, poor soul, if she could.

MARY. (_Speaking inside folding doors in a solemn voice._) No, she wouldn't.

WID. Angels and bannisters support me. (_Drops on his knees. Mdlle. Cheri Bounce throws herself into the arms of Brown. General consternation._) 'Tis her voice--her ghost is come back to walk the earth in them green boots. Injured shade, speak for me, if ghosts have parts of speech, and tell them I'm innocent.

MARY. (_Inside._) You caused my death by your falsity.

WID. O-oh! I know it; but sooner than you should have made an object of yourself, I'd have married you ten times over.

MARY. (_Inside._) And would you marry me now, if I was living?

WID. I would--to-morrow morning.

MARY. (_Runs out._) Then, Whittington, I'm your loving Mary again.

WID. (_Jumps up and tries to avoid her, she follows him._) Hollo! No--keep off. (_She embraces him._) Hey! Bless me, you're neither damp or dead; on the contrary you're remarkably warm and lively. But, are you sure you're not a water nymph, and that you have not got private apartments in the Thames or the New River?

MARY. No, Widgy; don't be afraid, 'twas only a trick of mine, to plague you for your inconstancy. (_Pointing to water butt._) She's not _me_, but the dummy figure, dressed up in some of my clothes.

WID. Ah, I've been finely hoaxed! And where's the detective policeman, that eat my lobster, and drank my wine?

MARY. Why, of course, he's here.

(_Points to herself._)

WID. Oh, you villain! But what's to be done with Brown?

(_Brown and Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, who have been conversing at the back, during the later part of the dialogue, come down._)

BROWN. Ask Ma'amselle here, for she's consented to be Mrs. Brown, next Monday, and as for this little affair of the supper I was in the plot with Mary.

WID. I hope you were not in the water-butt with her; but, never mind, I don't want any further explanation. I've had my lesson--(_to Audience_)--and I hope you have all profited by it. Now, if there's any single, good-looking young fellow here, wants a bit of advice. Eh--there's my friend, Smith. Smith, my dear boy, when you invite a female friend to a quiet bit of supper, mind there's no water-butt on the premises; and I mention this confidentially to all you bachelors, if your laundress is young and pretty, you had better pay your washing bills regularly; and don't, like me, get yourself into a scrape, by not knowing "How to Settle Accounts with Your Laundress."

_Disposition of the Characters at the Fall of the Curtain._

CHERI BOUNCE. BROWN. MARY W. WIDGETTS. TWILL. R. L.

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on pp. 11-19 of Dicks' Standard Plays No. 1006. The images used in this transcription have been posted on the Internet Archive at:

archive.org/details/CoyneLaundress

In addition, a microform copy of the same edition, which was made available by the University of California, Davis, was used as a secondary source.

In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and spelling of the source text. In a few cases where the quality of the printing made a word or a punctuation mark hard to read, the obvious reading was considered the correct reading without comment. A few changes were made to smooth out some of the inconsistent editing of the source text.

The following changes were made:

-- p. 11: (Widgett's Page and Light Porter)--Changed "Widgett's" to "Widgetts'".

-- p. 13: since the evening I danced with her at the Casino. (_Calls,_) Twill!--Changed the comma after "_Calls_" to a period.

-- p. 14: MARY. And your remember how we used to go together to Greenwich--Change "your" to "you".

-- p. 14: law! how we use to laugh to be sure!--Changed "use" to "used".

-- p. 14: and a heap of beautiful thing.--Changed "thing" to "things".

-- p. 15: to wring my heart and mangle my affections like that, (_Sobbing._)--Changed the comma after "that" to a period.

-- p. 15: (_Lays his hands on his bosom._--Added a closing parenthesis for consistency.

-- p. 16: you don't mean to say your agoing to sup here?--Changed "your" to "you're".

-- p. 16: (_Pushes her again into the chair._ (_Aside._)--Deleted the opening parenthesis before "_Aside_".

-- p. 17: _Enter two WAITERS, L, carrying tray with supper, covered dishes, plates, bottles, &c._--Inserted a period after "L".

-- p. 17: Its only, "Coming, sir, in _one_ minute..."--Changed "Its" to "It's".

-- p. 17: Pulls a handful of the hair out of the chair-seat, goes to to the chimney-glass--Deleted the second "to" after "goes".

-- p. 17: You've particular business with him.--Changed the period to a question mark.

-- p. 18: CHERI. Oh, you droll wretch, you've ten times funnier--Changed "you've" to "you're".

-- p. 18: MARY. There's no bread, my good fellow--Added a period to the end of the sentence.

-- p. 18: MARY (_Helps Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._)--Inserted a period after the character title "MARY".

-- p. 18: MARG. Celery, waiter.--Changed "MARG." to "MARY."