c. While there have been conflicts, no one was so serious

that the couple did not see each other regularly, credit 10 points d. Misunderstandings have been infrequent and have been ___ settled by one or the other giving in, credit 5 points | | e. Any other answer receives no credit |___| -------------------------------------------------------------------- ___ | | Total Final Score |___|

Now, you have twenty-one scores and a Total Final Score. Let us see what this score means.

If the Total Final Score for you two is 250 or above, then you would seem to be very well matched. Furthermore, it would appear that you two people should be quite happy in marriage. If there are no unfavorable factors present such as poor physical health, or inability to make a living, and if you two people are really deeply in love, then your marriage should be a happy one.

If the final score is 200 to 249, you would still seem to be fairly well matched. If there are no unfavorable factors, if both of you are old enough for marriage, if both of you are determined to make it work, you should be happier than is the average couple.

If your final score is 150 to 199, the outlook would not seem to be too favorable. Your marriage might not be as happy as that of the average couple. Why not wait another six months? Give yourselves time to see what some of your problems are. Do something active about them. It may help you to talk things over with a marriage counselor, or with your minister, or somebody else whom you trust and who is mature enough to help you analyze the situation.

If your score is 149 or less, then it would seem that you two people should put off marriage for six months or perhaps a year or longer. You can be sure there are some factors present that should make you stop, look, and listen. Perhaps both of you are not well adjusted as separate personalities, or to each other. Maybe you are of radically different religions, or your parents are opposed to your marriage. Perhaps you need to have a much longer period of courtship or engagement. Whatever the reason, you should talk the matter over with some person competent to advise you. See a good marriage counselor or psychologist who specializes in guidance. Talk things over with your minister, rabbi, or priest. You don’t want to make a mistake and have an unhappy marriage that might terminate in separation or divorce.

Of course you can say, and correctly, that you have little or no responsibility for some of the factors, such as the lack of happiness in your parents’ marriage. Even though this may be the case, you have been affected or influenced by the presence or absence of happiness in your own home.

What are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a happy marriage even though one of you, or the two of you, may not have made scores typical of young couples who get married and are happy? These suggestions may be of help to you:

1. If you are introverted (unsociable), you should increase the number of social skills that you have. Oftentimes we find that our enjoyment from association with other people is increased greatly when we learn to do some of the things they do, such as dance, bowl, swim, etc. Try to be outstanding in something.

2. Acquire a philosophy of life. What are your beliefs and views? Are you a conservative or a radical in politics, religion, ethics? Are there some guiding principles in your life? If you aren’t sure, sit down with yourself and try to figure out what you believe in and practice. Check it against your own behavior. Do you say one thing and do another? Are your family and friends rather sure about what you believe in, or do they have trouble predicting what you will do next?

3. Is your temper explosive, unruly, and peevish? Why do you get angry? If it is because you feel inferior, why do you feel inferior? Can’t you do something about it? Do you honestly try to control your temper?

4. Are you unstable, fearful, nervous? Why? Is it because you feel you are unattractive or ignorant, or are you carrying around feelings of guilt and uneasiness about something you feel ashamed of? If it is your physical health, see your physician. If it is your mental health, see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Develop a trusting confidential relationship with someone, preferably an older person, with whom you can feel free to unburden yourself.

5. Are your standards and ideals too low, or too high, when compared to your behavior? Perhaps you are an intolerant and prejudiced person who is too narrow-minded and prudish. Are you critical and gossipy about many of the things your acquaintances do? Do you know whether you have set your standards impossibly high; so high that you have a constant feeling of frustration because you are always falling short?

6. Are you an emotional person, always going off on a tangent, never able to keep a steady course? Is it because you aren’t in the work you want to do? Can’t you change jobs? Perhaps you are confused in your thinking, disturbed about religion, morals, things that are right or wrong. Have you asked your friends their ideas? Do you keep busy? Have you talked things over with your pastor? Is there some serious frustration always hanging over your head? Why don’t you sit down, take stock of yourself? It is only by an inventory of ourselves, accompanied by a searching analysis, that we discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up.

7. Are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that “circumstances alter cases?” Do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody else? Perhaps you are smug, never have a new idea. Try reading a Republican newspaper if you never read anything but a Democratic paper. Go to a different church. Get out of the rut you are in. Listen to other people’s ideas for a change. Don’t be so cocksure that you are always right and the other fellow always wrong.

8. Do you ever sit down and think? Reflect about yourself, your friends, your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you sympathize with others, try to avoid saying things that may hurt somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people rather than tear down? Do you go out of your way to help others?

9. If you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling, have you stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best to prevent conflicts? Unless you two people settle your problems by compromise and mutual give-and-take, your marriage future looks dark.

10. Did you get engaged shortly after you first met? In most real love, an engagement rarely occurs before the couple have known and dated each other regularly for at least a year or longer.

11. Are you sure it is love? Could it be just loneliness, a desire to escape an unpleasant environment? Are you sure it isn’t a “phantasy ideal?”

12. Why don’t your parents approve this marriage? After all, they may have something. Look back in the past--weren’t they right many times then when you thought they were wrong? Unless your friends warmly approve this marriage, your parents are probably right in urging you to wait.

13. Do you really know your mate? What makes one a good date doesn’t usually make one a good mate. Although an hour’s enjoyment of dancing, going to the movies, etc. may be wonderful pastime, it may be far from what you need in a mate. Are you sure what you want in a mate is what you need? Are you sure that what you have found is what you _need_ in a mate?

14. Last but not least is this prospective mate going to be the sort of parent you want your children to have?

When you have finished asking yourself these questions, you will probably have some good ideas what to do if you and your mate didn’t make a score above average. Take your time. It is easier to get married than it is to get separated or divorced, and much easier on one’s disposition in the long run. You want to marry but we want you to make a good choice and to find in marriage all the happiness and contentment that it can bring.

_Procedure If You Are Doing the Matching Alone_

Some readers may wish to see how they match with another person but would prefer to do the matching without consulting him. That can be done, though of course it will be much less accurate. Use the “Do You Match?” tables in this chapter, just as couples working together did. You won’t have much trouble scoring the last ten of the twenty-one items since they are based on known facts. Your greatest problem will be in estimating the scores your mate would make in the ten tests on personality traits. Your estimates will necessarily be rough approximations; but if you have known this person for several months you may have a fair idea how he would answer the various questions in those tests and estimate scores for him accordingly. Be rigidly honest when you imagine the answers this person would make. You can double-check your compatibility with such an absentee person by taking the following short test. It is a greatly abbreviated check on compatibility.

ARE YOU WELL MATED?

Here is a final check-list on compatibility, primarily for a person who took the tests in Chapter XI by himself. This test, which can be taken by either a man or woman, provides you with a rough gauge for determining whether the person you are dating might make a good mate for you. If you are a man, change questions to read “she” instead of “he.”

1. Are you two about equally sociable? That is, are you both either gadabouts or both stay-at-homes? Yes No

2. Are you both stern-minded, with high ideals, or else are you both broadminded and practical? Yes No

3. Does he find satisfaction and reward in his work? Yes No

4. Is he over 20, under 40, and not divorced? Yes No

5. Is he regarded by acquaintances as a solidly dependable person not given to excuse-making and sly lies? Yes No

6. Have you been dating steadily for two years or longer? Yes No

7. Has your dating been relatively free from quarrels? Yes No

8. Do you and your mate have much the same beliefs and attitudes about religion? Yes No

9. Do both sets of parents favor this marriage? Yes No

10. Did he attend Sunday school regularly until he was at least 18? Yes No

11. Is he in good physical health? Yes No

12. Do you two have about the same emotional responsiveness or warmth of passion? Yes No

13. Was he free of conflict with his parents and did they discipline him firmly but not harshly? Yes No

14. Were his parents happily married? Yes No

15. Is he free of jealousy and suspicion? Yes No

16. Does he have a calm, even temperament, especially if you are one to fly off the handle quickly? Yes No

17. Do you both have a healthy attitude toward sex? (That is, are you neither disgusted nor morbidly concerned with it?) Yes No

18. Is he a temperate person not given to heavy drinking? Yes No

19. Are you two fairly close together somewhere in the broad middle zone between being timid and reckless? Yes No

20. Do you both think you want children? Yes No

If each had sixteen _yes_ answers or more to the above questions, then your romance would seem to be on fairly solid ground. However, after you have taken the test, then go back and compare the two sets of answers on all the questions. If each had seventeen _yes_’s or more, and if there was mutual agreement, that is, if both had the same _yes_ answers to at least fifteen of the questions, then it would appear that your marriage is not so mixed that it cannot be made to work.

_Chapter XIII_

Beware of Mixed Marriages

The “Mixed” marriage is any marriage in which great differences exist between the husband and wife, particularly differences of culture or religious training. You also have a “mixed” marriage if there are decided differences of personality, of intelligence, of education, of age, of race or nationality, of social culture or of economic status.

Suppose there are great differences. That’s what makes life interesting, some people say. Differences may be “interesting” but if they are really fundamental they can form a gulf between the two mates that will make happiness difficult to achieve. It is the conviction of the authors--based upon a study of hundreds of happy and miserable marriages--that the more a man and girl have in common the more likely they will enjoy being married.

One of the factors that seems to have great importance in making a marriage work is the congeniality of the two persons. This congeniality must be built upon the things they have in common. The more things they have in common and the fewer the differences, the greater the likelihood of congeniality. And the greater the ease with which the two can talk over their mutual problems fully, frankly, and understandingly. The success of a marriage depends upon the total adjustment the two personalities can make to each other. Even where couples are highly compatible far-reaching adjustments must be made. When to the normal differences you add fundamental differences of background, the sheer problems of adjustment will add a severe strain to the union.

Suppose the two people do bridge the gulf between themselves. There will be great differences between their two sets of parents that may present problems. And there will be the differences between their two sets of friends. No couple lives completely alone. Two mates not only take each other for better or worse but also they must take with them the parents and friends of the other.

Take two cases with which we are familiar. They are typical of the cases in the files of any marriage counselor. (Their real names, of course, are not used.)

John is forty-two years old, a Catholic, a Democrat and had a high school education. His young bride, Margaret, is twenty-four, has had three years of college at a fashionable finishing school. She is a Baptist and a Republican. These two people think they are in love. Perhaps they are. But on the other hand Margaret was attracted to John chiefly for his “maturity,” his handsome appearance, the very nice compliments he paid her, and the success he has made of himself. She likes the idea that he is a self-made man. (He is the junior partner in a business, and his income is about six thousand dollars a year.) John is fussy and parsimonious in his habits and thinks that going to the movies once every month or two is enough for anybody. He is not very sociable and would rather stay at home and read some thrilling mystery story than go out. He lives with his parents and has specified that Margaret come and live with them as his mother is not in too good health. Margaret is vivacious, full of life and energy, very much interested in parties, dancing and sports. She is warmhearted, and since she was accustomed in her own home to having servants, she is careless where she puts things. After she finishes dressing her room looks as though a Kansas cyclone had struck it.

John was attracted to her despite her “odd” ways because she had given him considerable appreciation for the progress he has made without much formal education. She is the most attractive girl who has ever shown an interest in him, and he subconsciously feels that her social position in the community will be an asset to him in the success of his business. Despite their present professions of love it is hard for us to believe these two will find lasting happiness in marriage. They have too many points of difference.

Jim and Mary, in contrast, are what we could call compatible. Jim is twenty-eight, a college graduate in business, and is a junior executive in an office-supply firm. He is a sociable person, likes the movies, wants to go to an occasional dance and has many friends among both sexes. Mary also likes to dance, has many friends, enjoys parties and sports. She was graduated in liberal arts in college but in addition took a secretarial course. He is a Methodist, she a Presbyterian. He is an independent in politics though reared in a Republican home. Although Mary has voted the Republican ticket she tends to be something of a liberal, politically. They became acquainted in their senior year at college and now both are working at the same firm. If they go through with their marriage we predict they will find a great deal of happiness in it. They have so many things in common.

In the last few chapters we have already pointed out how crucial it is for a couple to have compatible personality traits. Studies have shown that unhappy couples frequently disagree on their friends, matters of recreation, the way they demonstrate affection, the way children should be reared and other things that are a vital part of marriage. The research of the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has shown that the couples who disagree most are the couples whose personalities are least alike. Take the great difference of ideals in the case of the son of the traveling salesman who is rushing the daughter of a clergyman. She is almost spiritual in her ideals and at home learned to restrain all manifestations of affection. The young man is handsome and dashing, a fast talker and a social butterfly. He likes to tell dirty stories and to get drunk. It is unlikely that their romance will progress far enough to contemplate marriage, but if they should get married, the radical differences in traits will produce a great unhappiness.

What are the other factors besides personality traits that can produce mixed marriages? Here are the main mixtures to watch out for.

* * * * *

ARE THERE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES OF RELIGION? If the couple are of different religious beliefs their philosophies of life may be so deeply different that they may be liable to constant friction.

One German study showed that the fewest divorces were in marriages between Jews and that the largest number of divorces occurred when a Catholic married a non-Catholic. In Maryland, twelve thousand young people were asked the religious affiliations of their parents and also asked if their parents were living together, divorced or separated. Here were the percentage of broken marriages found in different groupings:

When both parents Jewish 4.6% When both parents Catholic 6.4% When both parents Protestant 6.8% When religions mixed 15.2%

In other words, a mixed marriage is two or three times more likely to end in unhappiness than when the marriage is not mixed religiously!

And in inter-marrying some combinations seem to be more explosive than others. Below are three possible combinations in descending order, with the bottom combination least likely of all to produce a happy marriage.

Protestant to Jew Protestant to Catholic Jew to Catholic

Catholics have the greatest difficulties in inter-marriages presumably because their church takes a sterner view of inter-marriage than do the other churches. Another factor may be that they are taught not to use birth control devices (though family spacing through “rhythm” is condoned).

Suppose that a Catholic and Protestant do marry. There are thousands of couples who have achieved happiness in spite of religious differences. You can achieve it, perhaps, but both of you should face the problems involved in such an inter-marriage before, not after, the wedding. If possible one should agree to embrace the religion of the other. You should also definitely agree on the church in which the children are to be reared. You should even discuss the size of the family desired because that may become a point of difference. If both refuse to budge from their religion they must face the likelihood of disharmony developing after marriage, particularly as children come along and decisions must be made about their religious training. Religious inter-marriages are particularly difficult when one or both are deeply religious and feel very strongly about holding to their particular faith.

* * * * *

ARE THERE SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCES OF INTELLIGENCE? A wife can be somewhat less intelligent than her husband and they can still be happy, but almost any other variations in intelligence are apt to produce problems, especially if the differences are pronounced.

Studies have shown that husbands and wives usually are much more alike in intelligence than in physical characteristics. People in general tend to select mates whose mental ability is about the same as their own. When two people of vastly different mental equipment marry, the less-endowed mate is apt to develop very strong feelings of inferiority, and the two may find it very hard to select interests and activities to share. The more intelligent one unconsciously may develop a superior attitude that may be patronizing or impatient.

Another thing they are bound to disagree on is how to spend their leisure time, the kind of friends that they will have, the social ethics they will have, and in fact their whole philosophies of life. The brighter mate reads serious magazines, listens to symphonies and forums, reads little or no light fiction. The less intelligent mate is interested in the spectacular radio programs, reads the more frothy magazines, has few deep intellectual interests. It is the glamorous, exciting things that appeal. Also they do not share ambitions. Two such people cannot talk over with each other their hopes and ambitions, their frustrations. There is no sharing. One feels aloof from the other.

* * * * *

ARE THERE FOUR OR MORE YEARS DIFFERENCE IN FORMAL EDUCATION? There can be wide differences in schooling but only as long as the two people’s interests and attitudes are about the same. And in these days of wide reading, radio information, night schools and correspondence courses, two people may differ greatly in formal education but differ little in their informal education.

However, it does appear to be a fact that the happiest marriages seem to be those in which the two people met each other on a school campus, took similar curricula, lived in the same academic background.

* * * * *

ARE THERE WIDE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR ECONOMIC BACKGROUND? This is closely related to the social differences. Mothers have encouraged wide differences in economic background by teaching their daughters to marry “up” the economic scale. They are urged to make “good catches.” It is only human for a mother to wish that her daughter will not have to scrimp as she has had to in her marriage. It also enhances a family’s social prestige if a daughter can marry “up.” However when there are wide differences in the incomes of the two sets of parents, those differences are accompanied by differences in social background which are often hard to reconcile. Added to this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either a girl or man marries way above his own economic level. The parents and friends of the wealthy mate often assume that the other married for money. That may produce serious tension and create a lasting in-law problem.

* * * * *

IS THERE A WIDE DIFFERENCE IN AGE? One study has shown that the least happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to eight years older than the wife. Perhaps it is not the difference in age itself so much as the fact that people that far apart in age will be unlike in other respects which creates the strain on marriage.

The happiest marriages _for wives_ seem to range from one extreme where the wife is four years older than the husband to the other extreme where the wife is four years younger than the husband. The happiest marriages _for husbands_ seem to be those in which the husband is from one year older than the wife to where the husband is four years older than the wife. When all the evidence is analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages _for everybody concerned_ are those marriages in which the husband and wife are within one to two years of each other.

* * * * *

ARE THERE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR SOCIAL CULTURE? Here is a girl who has been reared in the South. She was taught to be a lady, to be waited upon, not to work because she would have servants. Here is a man brought up in Nebraska, reared in a home where his own mother was hardworking, not only did the housework but occasionally helped milk the cows and helped do other chores for her farmer husband. With the Southern girl there has been a tremendous emphasis upon “family,” on social prestige, on doing certain things in certain precise ways. In the case of the Nebraska man, little of this formality has been present. Instead the emphasis has been upon hard work, upon thriftiness, upon a wife sharing heavily the responsibilities of earning a living. Two such widely differing philosophies are likely to produce grief in marriage. The war, with its tremendous shifts of population, produced a great many of these interregional marriages. They are certainly not doomed but the couples should face frankly the problems involved in a mixing of cultures.

* * * * *

Those, briefly, are the main types of mixed marriages. You should enter into them carefully, if at all. In any case where there are serious differences of background, the couple should compare themselves carefully, see just what the differences are, be realistic about those differences, ferret out the special problems that those differences will create (as in the rearing of children), agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them. Only then is there hope that the marriage can be a success. The difficulty is that couples tend to gloss over differences that exist. They refuse to identify them, to admit their existence. They put off facing them. Then later in marriage the problems can no longer be avoided and by then they have become so acute that reconciliation becomes very difficult.

For example, if a Catholic wants to marry a Protestant, it is far better for the couple to see the problems that will exist from such a mixed marriage before they are married than after they are married.

_Chapter XIV_

Nine Dangerous Characters

There are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we have given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners, and yet will bring you grief every time in marriage.

In studying marriage failures it has been found that again and again certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable. We’ll introduce you to nine of the worst troublemakers. They are hard to detect, but usually you can spot them if you have had several months really to know them before you commit yourself to marriage.

* * * * *

THE JEALOUS MATE. Perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because his young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been accustomed to traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he has. On the other side perhaps the wife--with little cause--becomes insanely jealous of her husband’s secretary.

We know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of every five quarrels that occur between American husbands and wives. And furthermore, in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor in almost half of all divorces. That is not hard to understand because a jealous person inevitably becomes a difficult person to live with. He or she is usually suspicious, quick-tempered and disagreeable. It is hard to love a person who is jealous of you. You lose your respect for him, and you can’t be natural with him.

When you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at length to check on your movements. Frequently he will fly into temper outbursts or sink into black moods.

Psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration, which in turn produces anger and dejection. The person is frustrated because he fears he is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is being unfaithful.

Jealousy may be real or imaginary. Evidence uncovered at the Penn State clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter. In real jealousy the mate knows, or suspects correctly, that the other person is flirting or acting in a questionable manner. In imaginary jealousy the jealous person is that way simply because he lacks confidence in himself. He would probably be jealous of anyone he married, because he has strong feelings of inferiority and is usually unstable emotionally.

Any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew without real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife.

* * * * *

THE MATE WHO WANTS TO IMPROVE YOU. There is sound psychology behind the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse “for better or for worse.” At the wedding each mate should be accepted for what he is with no reservations for the future.

Marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner takes it upon himself to teach or improve the other, that relationship is sorely disturbed. One starts feeling superior and the other either inferior or indignant or both.

It is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives--after the glamour has worn off--to see flaws in their mates that should be corrected immediately. Their intentions may be kindly but soon they are continually criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or her ways.

A constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging. In fact nagging means oral pressure, and when applied to a spouse it invariably produces discord. The nagger in marriage is one of the major troublemakers.

If the attempts to improve a mate are made in public--as they frequently are--the affronts then clearly become intolerable. Nothing produces greater resentment. Even if the aggrieved partner can absorb such criticism without slashing back he will seethe inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault on his dignity.

Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person is rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather he could stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling of inferiority, or because it gives him a mean, petty advantage over the other.

If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or prospective mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t you try one of these tacks?

First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your mate will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow more alike every day they are married.

If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather than direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more considerate of her during the past few days. This may be hokum. But even though he has not been any more considerate, the compliment will encourage him to be more considerate in the future.

Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste in her clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably infuriate her. But if he starts out by complimenting her on the few presentable things she wears, he can use them as springboards for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to make herself most appealing to him. Few women can resist such suggestions.

* * * * *

THE “NERVOUS” MATE. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally insecure. They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific language, they are maladjusted or neurotic.

Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person. In fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations. A person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage impose new burdens. His frustrations become aggravated.

Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack has been moved. But any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely symptoms, symptoms of the man’s basic maladjustment to life. They will appear when he meets any sort of frustration.

If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else. They will appear, that is, unless the husband can get hold of himself and grow up emotionally. This may require help from an experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man’s difficulties.

Here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or both of the couple are high-strung.

When either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him to talk his troubles out. Talking things over dispassionately is a wonderful way to ease tensions. Psychologists now realize its importance and refer to it as mutual psychotherapy.

Sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue. Perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too little. If so they should try to modify their routines to get in more rest, sleep and relaxation.

* * * * *

THE FINANCIAL CRITIC. Money is not the root of all evil, but it certainly is at the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness. All studies that have been made concerning the reasons why married couples quarrel agree that financial arrangements cause more friction than any other one phase of marriage. For example, couples quarrel five times as much over money as they do over the rearing of children, which is a well-known troublemaker. One half of all divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their difficulties.

Unless the couple is really poor, the lack of money doesn’t cause the troubles as much as bad management of it. The average couple should be comforted to know that too much money causes trouble almost as much as too little money.

A girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or uncertain income should face frankly the fact that the situation may become the source of bitter quarreling if the two aren’t careful. Regularity of income and job security seem to be more important than the size of the income. Couples who save money are happier than those who don’t, other things being equal.

Both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of people who are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone to carping. Those two types of people are most apt to inspire or provoke quarrels over money.

The main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands are too tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their wives are too extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping. Husbands, interestingly, complain much more about the extravagance of their wives than wives complain about extravagance of husbands.

* * * * *

THE ALIBI ARTIST. Beware of the excuse-maker. Alibi-making is not mentally healthy. In fact it is one of the early signs of emotional confusion and mental deterioration. If a man or girl sees in the other during courtship indications that excuse-making is an ingrained habit, he would do well to break off the courtship and seek a mate elsewhere.

That may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of “little white lies” and excuses but it has been clearly established that such a person is a very bad marriage risk. The individual usually excuses his own lack of accomplishment or ability by projecting the blame for his failures on other people. Bit by bit this projection becomes devastating.

Continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary, the sane from the insane. In its most pronounced form it is paranoia, a type of insanity.

The alibi artist has little respect for the truth, cannot be predicted, evades his obligations and is generally not dependable. The test designed to measure this tendency to alibi, which psychologists call “tendency to rationalize,” has already been discussed. The victim rationalizes or excuses his own conduct. The amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely accurate device to predict, by itself, marriage happiness or failure. Investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores in that one test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory mates in marriage.

No husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of meals, the unmade beds, the buttons that have not been sewn on. He doesn’t resent the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife’s constant excuses for failure to show some improvement.

* * * * *

THE ESCAPIST. The escapist is a close relative of the alibier, but somewhat more honest. He finds himself unable to cope with his everyday problem of living in a modern world so he turns and flees from them. This flight may be physical. That is, he may become a hermit or may go into the armed forces where he can shed all responsibilities for directing his own life. But more often nowadays the flight is into a dream world, via narcotics or alcohol.

Heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious. Many distillers are even urging moderation in their advertisements. It is not merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to shun the heavy drinker. As a husband or wife he’s a hard person to live with. And marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania. So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or fiancée who habitually tipples.

The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing is sure: the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the person’s basic maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the maladjustment. In alcohol he forgets his problems, or imagines that he has found brilliant solutions for them.

The person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it. Even a sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the basic conflicts that impelled him to drink are resolved. Usually very careful counseling of the alcoholic is necessary to uncover his troubles and help him work out a solution for them.

* * * * *

THE DISORDERLY MATE. To be successful in marriage or almost anything else in life, a person must keep his affairs in a fair degree of order. You should be wary if you find that a person you are considering for marriage is sloppy in his or her appearance or affairs.

If a girl’s apartment looks like an unmade bed, you can consider that a fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home. Or if a man is habitually late for dates or shows up without a tie or with unshined shoes, you can be sure he would be even more sloppy and inconsiderate as a husband.

Neatness, of course, can be overdone. One wife we know objects to her husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his clothes. Another will not permit her husband to enter the living room--which she prizes--until he takes off his shoes, unless there are guests.

Some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are disorderly in organizing their lives. Others are the other way around. But when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable strain is imposed on a marriage.

* * * * *

THE MATE WITH CLINGING RELATIVES. Statistically, in-laws cause about as much marriage woe as drinking. Many a promising marriage has been marred by them.

In the past six months, more than ten per cent of the troubled married couples consulting the Penn State Marriage Counseling Service had problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws. We read recently a letter from a young wife who bewailed the fact that her husband’s mother insisted on going along with them on their honeymoon. She had told her son she needed a vacation and would like to go with them. Without consulting the bride he agreed. The bride lamented:

“I spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than I did with my bridegroom!”

Living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples and should be avoided if possible, but it is particularly irritating during the first few months of marriage. Those months are crucial because of the adjustments the two people are making. It is then that they get fully acquainted, adapt their habits, work out compromises.

Any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he fails to consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to close relatives, or if he fails to weigh the chances that these relatives will ever live with the couple, and the outcome if they do.

One little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple’s home cause more trouble than others. The husband’s mother, for example, is apt to produce more difficulties than the wife’s mother because it is the wife who must spend the most time with the woman.

The husband’s mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the husband’s attentions and--as the husband’s own mother--may become head of the household.

Likewise a wife’s father in the household presents more difficulties than the husband’s father.

It is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws. In fact the hazards are relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up emotionally and very happily married.

If you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the home, remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements clear-cut, and abide by them even more scrupulously than you would if they involved total strangers. Further, don’t borrow money from them.

* * * * *

THE FLIRT. Whether male or female, the person with the roving, aggressive eye is a poor prospect for marriage. The flirt is a poor prospect because he is basically a shallow, conceited, inconsiderate person, incapable of genuine love.

He will prove a difficult, unsatisfying person to live with as a marriage partner, because the wedding ceremony will not change his fundamental characteristics. You will have trouble establishing a give-and-take relationship with him. Then, when the glamour of the wedding wears off and the normal difficulties of marriage adjustment confront him, he will find this humdrum and start recalling his premarital conquests. Soon he may be flirting again and you may find yourself with a triangle on your hands. Triangles are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of all divorces.

ARE YOU TOO JEALOUS?

Every person is a little jealous of his or her mate. But there is a point where the jealousy becomes excessive--and dangerous. Whether real or imaginary, the jealousy puts you in such a dark mood that anything you do may harm rather than improve the relationship.

1. Do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you? Yes No

2. Do you want and need considerable attention and praise? Yes No

3. Does he turn and look at other girls (or does she seem to relish the attention of other men)? Yes No

4. Do you ever try to “get even?” Yes No

5. Is your temper easily aroused? Yes No

6. Does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you in public? Yes No

7. Do you keep close tabs on him (or her) when both of you are at a party? Yes No

8. Do you feel envious of certain other persons of your own sex that you know? Yes No

9. Do you ever quarrel with this person after returning from a party? Yes No

10. Has he, or she, learned _not_ to praise other people of your own sex in front of you? Yes No

11. Do you like to listen to gossip? Yes No

12. Do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd? Yes No

13. Do you want this person to wait on you a good deal? Yes No

14. Do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear watching? Yes No

15. When this mate is late do you want an explanation? Yes No

16. Do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue things about you? Yes No

17. Would you be considered a “possessive” person? Yes No

18. Have you ever suspected that some friend’s mate was misbehaving and have contrived to let the friend know about it? Yes No

If you answered fourteen or more of these with _yes_ you are a victim of extreme and unhealthy jealousy. If however you answered less than four with _yes_ you apparently don’t even love the person.

_Chapter XV_

People Who Should Not Marry at All

Every time the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has offered its course on the preparation for marriage, the class has been asked to list the qualifications they think a person has to have before he should undertake marriage.

It was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently voted for higher qualifications than the men. We have averaged the responses of the many hundreds of students and present below those qualifications mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students:

PERCENTAGE QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE VOTING FOR THEM Freedom from venereal disease 100% Freedom from feeble-mindedness 99% (If sterilized, 24% would permit marriage) Freedom from insanity 97% Freedom from criminality 94% Freedom from dipsomania 91% Freedom from drug addiction 85% Freedom from neuroticism 76% Proof by groom that he can support bride 69% (This includes evidence of occupational proficiency and at least $150 in savings) Record of no more than one divorce, if any 50%

Other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five per cent of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis, cancer, epilepsy and fatal heart disease, freedom from sterility and from inherited physical defects. About ninety-seven per cent of the students thought that both men and women should have premarital physical exams that would determine freedom from venereal disease.

We feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications raised by the students. With those as a starting point we have prepared nine questions which you should ask yourself--and be able to answer _yes_. They are _minimum_ qualifications for marriage. We feel you should have serious doubts about the advisability of marrying another person if you answer _no_ to even one of the questions. Here they are:

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE SANE AND FROM A FAMILY IN WHICH NO INSANITY IS PRESENT? Except in pronounced forms, psychoses are not easily diagnosed. The borderline between sanity and insanity is no more distinct than is the line between black and white. All shades of gray exist. Many paranoidal persons roam the streets of our country and in many cases are able to carry the responsibilities of normal life, at least until they encounter continued frustration which will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form. Insanity is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior. In a recent book issued through the National Committee for Mental Hygiene there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons reaching adulthood should be confined. Another four out of twenty-five are severely neurotic and another eight are handicapped by milder neurotic disturbances. On the basis of these findings at least one person in four is severely maladjusted and at least one in two is maladjusted to some extent.

If you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate, you might ask yourself these questions:

Has he been confined at some time in a mental institution?

Has he been rejected or released from military service because of outright mental disturbances?

Does his family have a history of insanity?

Is he free from syphilis?

Has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain?

Do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental function?

Has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a legal, competent, conventional manner?

Has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in injuries to others?

Does his family physician question his sanity?

While it is possible that he might be sane though you answered _yes_ to some of these questions, the odds are against it. You should keep in mind however that many boys discharged from this past war as neuropsychiatric cases are not insane and most of them will be able to settle down within a few months after their discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal life.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE LAW-ABIDING, DOES HE HAVE A RECORD FREE OF CRIMINAL OFFENSES AND ARE HIS PARENTS LIKEWISE LAW-ABIDING? Many employers, including the federal and state governments, hesitate to employ a person with a criminal record. The habitual criminal is not easily cured. Certainly three or more convictions for criminal offenses should indicate a personality pattern adverse to marriage happiness. In New York State, four convictions for criminal offenses automatically result in life imprisonment.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE IN FAIRLY GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH GENERALLY AND FREE FROM VENEREAL DISEASE? Most of the states have passed laws providing statutory protection against syphilis. These states contain about three-fourths of the total population of the country. It is interesting that about one person in a hundred taking premarriage blood tests is found infected with syphilis. In these days of the miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin, cures of venereal disease can be effected in a matter of weeks. Syphilis is a blighting disease which, if uncured, will wreck any marriage sooner or later. Anyone who is in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe burden to any marriage.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE FREE FROM USING DRUGS SUCH AS MORPHINE OR HEROIN OR MARIJUANA? Addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious problem in this country but a great many young people have been taking to marijuana for quick “jags” under the impression that such jags are not dangerous. Musicians particularly often use this drug. But it is a dope just as surely as opium is, its effect can be just as vicious, and it is used only by persons who are unstable emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with.

* * * * *

IF YOUR MATE DRINKS, IS HE TEMPERATE IN THE USE OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES? The dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium smoker is a dope addict. He is characterized by an uncontrollable craving for alcohol. In some people alcohol produces a temporary feeling of well-being and elation, sometimes called euphoria. Because it does, people sometimes turn to drinking as an escape from their unsolved problems. Bit by bit the habit of drinking is built up. The person who marries a mate who is an excessive or habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for a bitter awakening. Marriage rarely cures drinking or any other abnormal condition. Expert treatment is needed. In skilled hands the drunkard is sometimes cured--if he really convinces himself that he wants to be cured. But the cure is long and arduous and the proportion of relapses is still great.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO EARN A LIVING AND DISCHARGE THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIFE COMPETENTLY? There is no doubt that feeble-mindedness is inherited. Individual intelligence tests usually indicate that any person is feeble-minded who scores an IQ of seventy or less. (One hundred is average.) Even when sterilization of a feeble-minded person is performed it still does not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry since he can rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot earn a living.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE FAIRLY STABLE, WELL-ADJUSTED AND ABLE TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE? There are many shades of nervous disorders ranging from neurosis through psychoneurosis. The neurotic has a minor nervous disorder. The psychoneurotic has some ailment--without organic basis--which may involve hysteria, a paralysis or cramps. Many so-called miracle cures take place with persons who actually have no physical disabilities but have the disability in their mind.

In July 1945 such a “miracle” cure occurred at a military canteen. A 20-year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches. One of the junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like to dance. He stated that he would but that he couldn’t even walk. She replied that she was a big strong girl who could hold him up. The soldier laughed, pushed his crutches under the table, stood up shakily, clung to a chair, then to the hostess. Getting started was difficult and he stumbled a time or two. Slowly they began to dance. Amazingly the soldier began having less and less trouble with his legs. They danced all through the evening and when the soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left his crutches as a memento of his cure. As a result of a shrapnel wound he had become convinced he would never walk again. Under the stimulation of music, and the eagerness of a young girl to dance, the soldier forgot his crutches. So it goes with psychoneurotics. They are convinced that their neck is paralyzed, that they cannot hear or cannot see. Many such cases show immediate improvement once the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift from them. But others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological disturbance throughout their lives.

In this postwar world, marriageable girls will have to be concerned about the mental disturbances of some ex-service males. They should be sensible about these defects and realize they are merely a product of war-imposed frustrations. But they should be sure that they recognize the defects and are prepared to live with them. About twenty per cent of all war casualties returned to this country have been mental cases, and the fighting was so grueling in some theaters of war, such as the Solomons, that the percentages of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as high as forty per cent of all casualties.

A neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. A girl should hesitate to marry such a person at least until a medical authority has pronounced that he is competent to make the adjustments that a marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate successfully.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE A PERSON WHO HAS NOT BEEN DIVORCED FROM TWO PREVIOUS MARRIAGES? Even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard when he remarries. A person with two divorces should definitely be shunned, if you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage.

Divorce is not inherited, but it does run in families. It is known that persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to seek divorce than those whose parents were not divorced. Divorce is marriage bankruptcy, and any person who has failed twice in marriage is unlikely to succeed in a third. A person with a record of two divorces should have his right to marry anyone seriously questioned. A bank would certainly hesitate to lend a man money who had failed to pay a previous loan, and certainly would refuse a loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before.

The couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste. Thus one reason for many of our wartime divorces. Likewise the couple that takes plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a divorce, especially if that marriage results in children.

* * * * *

WILL YOU AND YOUR MATE BE ABLE TO SUPPORT YOURSELVES? This presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the mates--preferably the man--should demonstrate through a work record that he is capable of earning a living. Under normal circumstances, about one wife in six or seven works to supplement the earnings of her husband. It is probable that not less than one wife in fifty is the sole support of the family. The best way to demonstrate ability to earn a living is for one of the mates (again preferably the man) to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one year of gainful employment.

It is also important that no couple should marry without a cash reserve after the costs of the wedding. Sickness, possible pregnancy, the furnishing of an apartment and other factors make some emergency fund advisable. The Penn State students thought this saving should amount at least to ten per cent of the estimated expenses for the first year.

In making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination. In fact some couples like to have two premarital exams, one just before they become formally engaged, and the second just before they marry. It seems to us that if physical factors are found which might seem undesirable to either member of the couple, or to their families, it would be best that such conditions be discovered before the formal engagement, to avoid embarrassment. The second exam would be token just before the marriage because the laws of many states require that the physical exam be taken within thirty days of the marriage date.

Whether you plan one or two exams, there should be one thorough one, far more comprehensive than that required by law. The typical physician, in order to keep the exam reasonable in price, usually examines only far enough to find if the couple meet the legal requirements, which are primarily concerned with freedom from venereal disease. Here are some things that a comprehensive exam should cover:

1. Physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the ability of the individual to earn a living or make a home.

2. The hereditary history of each family should be checked for the possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited defects that might be transmitted to offspring even though not too apparent in the person being examined.

3. Because most couples will want children, the reproductive apparatus should be examined to see if reproduction is possible and that the individual is free from defects that would make conception impossible or childbirth hazardous. (This would mean pelvic measurements for the female.) The possibility of sterility or impotence should be checked and any physical factor that might impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be treated.

4. There should be an investigation of the integrity and normal functioning of the heart, respiratory apparatus and the central nervous system.

5. Freedom from venereal disease, both gonorrhea and syphilis, should be ascertained.

The physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity to allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person may have. At the examination just prior to the wedding, the physician can give the girl instructions in the role of the female in physical intimacy. There should be an explanation of orgasm, and if desired, there can be instructions about birth spacing.

Even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you should refrain from marrying. It simply means that both of you go into marriage with your eyes open. Furthermore, most physical defects can be corrected, often even sterility. Much of the impotence among young men is caused by psychological rather than physical factors.

IS THE MATE A NEUROTIC?

And while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you are too. Answer _yes_ or _no_.

1. Is he or she easily fatigued?

2. Does he or she have many headaches?

3. Does the mate often feel blue?

4. Does he feel unhappy much of the time?

5. Does he frequently seem to feel lonely?

6. Does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside?

7. Does he often seem to feel miserable?

8. Does he seem to find it hard to trust people?

9. Does it bother him to talk to strangers?

10. Are his feelings easily hurt?

11. Does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against him?

12. Is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he is doing?

13. Is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn?

14. Does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels like giving up?

15. Does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint?

16. Does he often have pains in his hip or back?

17. Does he think that people talk about him behind his back?

18. Does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his life?

19. Does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him?

20. Does he worry about many things?

21. Does he have trouble getting along with people?

22. Does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods of insomnia or restless sleep?

23. Does he often appear listless, indifferent or uninterested in life around him?

24. Is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends?

25. Are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar?

An affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not mean the person is a neurotic by any means. But a pattern of neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he answered ten or more with _yes_. He appears to be maladjusted to life. Ideally every question should be answered _no_. If you feel you don’t know the person well enough to answer some of the questions, score only those you are sure of. Then, if two out of five of your answers are _yes_, it would appear that the person may be maladjusted. And incidentally, how did you make out yourself?

_Chapter XVI_

Will a Job Undermine the Marriage?

The Only thought couples usually give to their respective careers at the time they decide to marry is whether there will be enough income to support them. Actually, the _type_ of work the groom does may produce irritations that may ruin the union. Or if the bride wants to continue her career after marriage, that may cause trouble if not handled carefully.

Let’s take the problem of the bride first. Should she continue her career or devote all her energy to managing a home? There is, of course, no final answer. We know of many married couples who have worked out excellent relationships while the wife continues her career. But we also know that such an arrangement is not normal and that it often produces difficulties because of psychological factors. It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s sense of mastery of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support her properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to win the husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking skill. Believe it or not, one very important appeal of marriage to a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for him when he comes home from work. If the wife has a career, the couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen specials. Finally a career makes it difficult for a wife to bear and rear children, and children are another of the big values of marriage that hold couples together.

Homemaking is a definite career, and if there are children, a full-time career. There is far more to making a home than the housekeeping end of it. A homemaker is a physician when the husband or child is sick; she is an interior decorator; she must be a good cook and dietitian; she must be an expert on clothing repair; she must be a good teacher and an expert on the psychology of handling children; she must often be a judge in settling arguments; she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will spend at least eighty per cent of the family’s income; she must be some sort of bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills; she must be a repair man who can replace a fuse, repair an electric light cord, put oil on a squeaking hinge.

If the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job as many wives do as homemakers he would be fired. Unquestionably one of the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers and other diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention and care to the art of homemaking as they once did. Why do married women work? Here are the main reasons:

--Pure necessity.

--To enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra comforts than the husband’s income alone could afford.

--Because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are bored.

--Because they do not want children.

--Because they want to be independent financially.

--Because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework than to do it themselves.

--Because they want an independent career.

Virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women are those who do not work after marriage. In the study by Dr. G. V. Hamilton, _A Research in Marriage_, only forty-five per cent of the women working after marriage had a “satisfactory” to “very satisfactory” marriage compared to some fifty-five per cent of the women not working after marriage who were happy in marriage.

Once a wife starts working, she may resolve to stop at the end of a specific period, but by the time the deadline arrives she usually finds a reason why she should continue a little longer. Frequently she and her husband have bought things like an automobile that prevent them from attaining enough stability financially to permit her to stop working. She continues to work, thereby putting off having children and perhaps never has them.

But now let’s take up the greater--and less understood--dangers involved in the types of work the groom does. Many wives today think they are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they are dissatisfied with his working habits or his job.

For example, some jobs carry more social prestige than others. Here are some twenty-four occupations rated by college students (1940) on their prestige, with those with the highest prestige at the top and those with the least prestige at the bottom:

1. Physician 13. Farmer (owner) 2. Clergyman 14. Insurance agent 3. Lawyer 15. Salesman 4. College professor 16. Bookkeeper 5. Manufacturer 17. Machinist 6. Banker 18. Carpenter 7. Artist or author 19. Barber 8. Man of leisure 20. Factory operative 9. Engineer (college trained) 21. Blacksmith 10. Factory superintendent 22. Soldier 11. School teacher 23. Truck driver 12. Storekeeper 24. Ditch digger

Richard O. Lang, as a graduate student at the University of Chicago, made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings made by acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married couples. On the basis of his findings here is how fifty different occupations rated on the descending scale of marital happiness. The happiest are at the top and the least happy are at the bottom. Here is the approximate order:

1. Chemical engineers 26. Factory foremen 2. Ministers 27. Garage owners 3. College professors 28. Mail clerks 4. Teachers 29. Insurance salesmen 5. Engineers 30. Brokers 6. Wholesale salesmen 31. Electricians 7. Chemists 32. Druggists 8. Accountants 33. Clerks 9. Civil engineers 34. Salesmen, auto, etc. 10. Office workers 35. Railroad office workers 11. Physicians 36. Railroad workers 12. Bankers 37. Farmers 13. Newspaper workers 38. Bond salesmen 14. Government workers 39. Skilled workers 15. Coöperative officials 40. Barbers 16. Architects 41. Gas station employees 17. Large business owners 42. Truck drivers 18. Lawyers 43. Musicians 19. Store salesmen 44. Real estate salesmen 20. Contractors 45. Plumbers 21. Printers 46. Auto mechanics 22. Bookkeepers 47. Carpenters 23. Dentists 48. General mechanics 24. Bank employees 49. Traveling salesmen 25. Small store owners 50. Laborers

One interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the clergy had happy or very happy marriages (as assessed by their friends) only forty per cent of salesmen had marriages at least as happy or very happy, again as assessed by friends. Only eleven per cent of the clergy seemed to be really unhappy in marriage while thirty-six of the salesmen were.

Obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation’s happiness quota because physicians, lawyers and dentists, who require more schooling than almost any other group, are definitely less happy in marriage than engineers, teachers and ministers. Musicians rate very low, coming between truck drivers and real estate salesmen, apparently because of the mobility and impermanence of their jobs.

There are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational troublemakers. They don’t need to produce trouble. In fact if both the man and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and act accordingly trouble rarely occurs. But if they don’t possess such awareness, they may find it increasingly difficult to find happiness through marriage. Both will be resentful without knowing why. We don’t advise girls to avoid marrying men in these types of work. That would be ridiculous. But we do suggest that they take the job into consideration. Then, if they go ahead and marry the man, they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to remove the danger by normalizing their married life as much as possible despite the job.

With that thought in mind let’s take up the seven big troublemakers.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO TRAVELS A LOT. This includes not only the traveling salesman, whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of basis in fact, but also traveling entertainers, truck drivers, professional soldiers, casual laborers, railroad workers, air pilots. There are also multitudes of others whose work requires stopovers or prolonged stays away from home. It is the mobility of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters work in them that produces the trouble. Lonesome and dissatisfied, the mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when they are learned of, and feelings of guilt with the man even when they aren’t. Such a mobile person is more likely to come in contact with other women who may seem very attractive to him since he is denied the companionship and daily affection of his family. There seems to be absolutely no doubt that those occupations which are somewhat fixed, that is, which require little or no traveling, provide happier marriages, other things being equal.

Wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to accompany the husbands on trips they may make. Even though the wife may have children, there are many trips on which she can accompany her husband. In most cases the husband, far from resenting her presence, welcomes it because he does get lonely and bored traveling in strange towns.

Even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany her husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of the problems he faces and meets some of the people he has to work with. In doing this she serves two purposes: she is better able to talk to her husband intelligently about his work if she knows the operation and the people involved. This will encourage him to unburden his occupational problems to her rather than think she is just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood over them. The second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily married man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in his way.

In taking normalizing actions such as these, a girl can more safely choose a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that the marriage will be hazardous.

* * * * *

THE MAN NOBODY KNOWS. If the groom earns his income outside the community where you will live and is seen very little there, he will feel less desire for social approval of his conduct. To put it in sociological terms, he will not be under close “community scrutiny.” Thus he is more susceptible to the temptation of heavy drinking, gambling, or other women than the man whose job does come under community scrutiny. Examples of the latter are teachers, ministers, storekeepers, and town officials. These men all come into a great deal of daily contact with the members of the community and thus are more concerned about “keeping up appearances.” Other things being equal, the greater the degree of social control exerted, the greater the happiness of the marriage.

If a girl does marry a man who doesn’t come under this scrutiny, she can to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her husband at many public places, encouraging him to join with her in participating in many community activities, by introducing her husband to many different people and letting them know the kind of work he does.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO WORKS AT ABNORMAL HOURS. During the war we came to hear a lot about the swing shifters. But in war or peace there are millions of men who keep unusual hours--policemen, newspapermen working on morning newspapers, bartenders, night watchmen, etc. They can make it difficult for a wife, particularly if she is a mother, to adapt her daily routine of living to the shifting hours of work. This is destructive to happiness because husband and wife have too little opportunity to be with each other. Furthermore not many men can change their hours of sleep from week to week without becoming irritable. If he has children he is denied the normal opportunities to play with them. All the evidence we have indicates that occupations which require working late are not as likely to be associated with marital happiness as those occupations which permit working during the daylight hours.

In one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of divorce within four months after the husband took a night job. He had become lonely because he missed all his normal associations and finally had fallen in love with a waitress at an all-night lunchroom where he ate. Happily the wife kept her senses and instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for a postponement of the decision for a few months. Meanwhile she got busy and made a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him. She rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their father an hour every day, she began paying more attention to her own grooming and arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep at the same time her husband did two days a week. Soon the husband lost interest in the other woman.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHOSE INCOME IS IRREGULAR. This includes all salesmen working on commission, free-lance writers, small business owners, seasonal workers, lawyers, physicians, brokers, plumbers, architects, etc. One fact that has been noticed repeatedly in marriage studies is that regularity of income has a considerable influence upon marriage happiness. Apparently couples having regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures and savings, to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at another, and are better able to work out long-term financial plans. At any rate there seems to be a good deal less bickering where the income is regular. To live happily with a man with a fluctuating income the mates need to show the wisdom of the Biblical Joseph, by saving during fat months for lean months, and by keeping an unusually rigorous eye on the accounts. If they can save up a real backlog, and can take a philosophical attitude toward the whimsies of his income, they should have no more trouble than the average couple. The savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as a real one.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHOSE WORK IS DIRTY OR NERVE-RACKING. We know a farmer who says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won’t touch them and won’t let him inside her house until he puts on dress shoes. Such wives should remember that dirt is an honorable mark of a farmer’s, a mechanic’s, or a coal miner’s occupation. And perhaps if approached good-naturedly, he can be persuaded to change to clean clothes before leaving the site of his work.

Other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy, tense, or exacting. This includes steeplejacks, tunnel builders, foundry workers, pilots, etc. The jobs leave the husband emotionally exhausted and highly irritable. The wife of such a man will find herself involved in repeated quarreling and sniping unless she realizes the husband’s state of mind when he comes home and sees to it that he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before she disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO FEELS INSECURE IN HIS JOB. Job security, like regularity of income, is an important factor in marriage happiness. A number of studies have shown that the most contented and satisfied men are those who feel secure in their job. The assurance of permanence enables the man to be serene. When a man feels insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently, hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not only jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems. Loss of work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over where the next meal is coming from, brings in the possibility of public relief, lowers the man’s self-respect and may decrease his wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider. Undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the divorce rate after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat of unemployment which placed great strains upon family living.

If a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared to help her husband by not being critical of his work and by not throwing it up to him that he is unable to get a permanent job. She can even encourage, and sympathetically help him get some specialized training that may prepare him for a better job which offers greater security. Perhaps he can do it at night or by correspondence courses. Far more men than do would seek to improve their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire them to become more competent.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO IS NOT PROUD OF HIS JOB. Social prestige of an occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great deal to do with marital happiness. A man is more likely to work out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved and respected by the community. If the man is a gravedigger or bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and particularly the children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved. If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her man is performing an essential function in the community. Further, she should realize that if such a family seems to live happily together, if they are active in church and community affairs and lead respected lives, they will be accepted for what they are and not for what the man’s occupation happens to be. One of the happiest, most respected men we know is the garbage collector in a New England town.

We repeat, the seven types of men we have just discussed are not necessarily to be shunned as mates. But girls marrying them should realize the problems that may be involved.

_Chapter XVII_

The Veteran as a Mate

Most of the marriages from now until 1955 will involve veterans of World War II. It is probable that at least eight million veterans will marry by then. During these years our marriage rate is expected to be the highest in our history.

For this reason, if for no other, it is pointless to make any special problem of the veteran, as so many people are trying to do. It is true that war changes men, but it also changes the girls who stayed at home--and for that matter the men who happened to stay at home. There is no need to discuss the question, “Should a girl marry a veteran?” because most girls will marry veterans anyhow, and there is no reason why they should hesitate.

But what we will do now is point out some of the changes that occurred while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl can understand each other better.

In many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when he went away. He may have acquired some good habits in the Army: getting up on time, taking care of personal belongings, orderliness. His horizon may have broadened and he may have learned to be more tolerant. He probably has matured beyond his chronological age. He has learned a great deal about loyalty to a cause, perseverance and patience, all of which will help make him a better mate. Often he has achieved a needed emotional independence from home and mother. He has become practical and very realistic.

Most important of all, perhaps, he learned while away to appreciate the value of marriage and the home. He yearns more than anything to settle down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a family. He has had enough running around and being at loose ends.

The veteran, of course, has lost and gained certain skills, he may seem crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards. He worries a great deal about the future, is somewhat unsure of himself in some civilian situations. Ernie Pyle the late, famed war correspondent pointed out some of these changes when he wrote:

Our men can’t make the change from normal civilians into warriors and remain the same people. Even if they were away from you under normal circumstances ... they would not come home just as you knew them.... They are bound to be different people from those you sent away.... They are rougher.... Killing is a rough business.... Language has changed from mere profanity to obscenity.... They miss women.... They expressed longings.... Their whole conduct show their need for female companionship.... Money value means nothing to them.... A man learns to get what he needs by “requisitioning.” It isn’t stealing, it’s the only way to acquire certain things.... War puts old virtues in a changed light. We shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two when things get back to normal.

The standards of fighting men are those of men living without women, of men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal living. If they hadn’t lost them they wouldn’t have been good killers. Some of them have feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap women they have known. Others are shy and withdrawn because they have had long periods of isolation away from women.

As a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious conflicts involving weakened morals, shattered values, duties to others, “debt” the government owes them, opportunities they have missed, war injuries or handicaps they incurred. They are bothered about whether to return to school ... whether to go back to the “old” sweetheart ... whether to remain in the Army. Some have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way into a strange world or return to an almost forgotten world. In the Army or Navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and the initiative. They made fun of the “eager beavers” and learned to regard “goldbricking” (evading hard work) as a virtue. But in civilian life, ambition and hard work are two of the great virtues.

In addition to all these issues to worry them, they face the job of deciding what to do. In one survey of soldiers, about seven per cent said they would return to school on a full-time schedule with or without government aid. Another twenty-eight per cent said they would go back to school if government aid was provided. That makes thirty-five per cent who hope to go to school. (But many of them probably won’t.) Most of these hoping to return were under twenty-five. About half of all the men hoped to return to their old job or to a new job in their same community.

The average veteran has four alternatives of action: He can go back to school; he can go back to his old or a similar job; he can go into a job for the first time; he can select a new field of work. Most of them want a vacation, a wife, and a job, though not necessarily in that order.

Some of the men will have feelings of insecurity. Some of them have never worked before. They are asking themselves: Can I get a job? Will my old job be waiting for me? (This particularly disturbs men who are being released relatively late.) Is my girl going to marry me? Was she loyal to me while I was gone?

If you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a veteran, here are thoughts you might keep in mind.

--You must assume he is a normal person and treat him like one. Even if he doesn’t seem to be he should make the adjustment to civilian life within a few months.

--Don’t confess any “misdeeds” of your own--they will only upset him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or future happiness.

--Talk out your problem, your futures, carefully and in detail. This will help both of you be sure of the responsibilities you face in marriage and will cause both of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly about the future.

--If you agree to marry, go ahead and be married in church with a conventional ceremony with all the trimmings. Unless he is terribly opposed, don’t be contented with less than a church or home wedding with the friends and families of both present. Studies have shown that marriages that took place within the sanctity of the church tend to be happier than those that do not.

--In dealing with him during the first few weeks don’t tell him what to do or where to go. Make him feel relaxed, encourage him to wait on you, make him feel useful.

If you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you are going to find your girls different from when you left. And it won’t be all aging. They have been working in greater numbers than ever before and on the surface are more independent. In spite of this, remember that girls want to be treated gently and considerately. They still love soft lights and sweet music, they want to hear your compliments, they want that tender good-night kiss if they like you, and that romantic conversational interplay.

You must not forget that you have been away a long time. You may find your feminine psychology rusty. Girls are still soft and sentimental, still wanting to be made love to, still wanting to marry and make homes and have your children. Don’t let the inhumanity of war make you cynical. Such an attitude would keep you from finding the mate with whom you can be happy.

Will you pick your mate or will she pick you? Because of the surplus of women over men now you can do the picking. You don’t have as much ground for wondering whether you will marry as the girls do. But will you pick your own mate? Probably not. It has been said: “A man rushes after a woman until she catches him.”

Actually, picking a mate nowadays is a mutual process; both of you pick each other. It is a complicated process and probably neither of you knows quite what is going on. Part of the time one of you may be more aware of what is going on than the other; part of the time neither of you is sure.

What kind of a mate should you look for? These things have been covered in detail in previous chapters. However here are a few thoughts that take on particular pertinence when applied to veterans. Ask yourself:

Will she make me a good wife? Can she cook, sew, run a home? Is she the sort of girl I would like to have as a mother of my children? Will she wear well? Don’t pick her just because she is glamorous because glamour and good looks are largely cosmetic processes anyway. Is she selfish or is she considerate of me and my well-being? What are her good traits? What are her poor traits?

Don’t marry a girl who has traits that are opposite of your own unless she is opposite only in good traits which you lack. For example, if your own parents were unhappily married, pick a girl whose parents were happily married. If you feel unsure of yourself, pick a reliant, confident girl. If you are quite irritable, be sure to get a mate who is definitely tranquil.

What about the men who have been physically or mentally hurt by the war? Should a girl shun a man who has a war injury?

In World War II, which lasted some forty-four months, casualties of one sort or another exceeded one million men, with nearly three hundred thousand lives lost and with fifteen thousand veterans losing an arm or leg or more members of his body.

To learn how girls would feel toward marrying injured men, the senior author asked five hundred girls whether they would marry veterans with any of thirty-three different types of war injuries. The injuries included such things as loss of speech, loss of two eyes, complete deafness, recurrent malaria, loss of hair and eyebrows due to burns, several fingers missing, injuries to head including replaced nose, ear, teeth and jaw. Many of the girls queried were engaged to servicemen.

It was interesting to note that older girls showed a greater willingness to marry injured men than the younger girls. This may be due to the fact that the older girls are more concerned about their chances of marrying. Also, engaged girls showed a greater willingness than unengaged girls. The reason for this may be that engaged girls know the capabilities of their fiancés and can see how their men could be successful at a job and marriage in spite of an injury.

Of the thirty-three injuries, only four were checked by the majority of engaged girls as serious enough to impel them to withdraw from their engagements. Those four, in order were:

Impotence

Loss of both arms in such a way that they can’t be replaced with artificial arms

Mental unbalance requiring institutional confinement for several months or longer

Loss of both legs so that they are not replaceable.

While, as you notice, these fiancées felt extremely reluctant to marry a man who had lost his sexual potency, only a small proportion (16%) would refuse to marry an ex-soldier who had become sterile. Inasmuch as most of the engaged girls would not marry a man who had become sexually impotent it is clearly evident that sexual activity is regarded in a far different light than having children. Most of the girls would marry if they could have sex even though there were no possibility of conceiving children.

When the unengaged girls were queried, eight injuries were listed by the majority, including the four mentioned by the engaged girls. The additional four were:

Loss of speech

Loss of one leg and one arm, when neither is replaceable

General permanent bad health

Mental instability that requires no institutionalizing.

It was interesting to note that neither group showed a majority opposing blindness. Also, note that these girls listed loss of limbs only where they were not replaceable. Most girls professed willingness to marry men if their lost limbs could be replaced by artificial ones. All of the girls seem to have been deeply impressed by the progress made in rehabilitating the injured. Many had seen the amazing results with their own eyes and so had lost their fears about marrying men with such injuries.

Probably seventy-five thousand returning veterans may have hearing impairments. But with hearing aids or lip-reading, most of these men can be fairly normal within a few months.

Even though a girl hesitates about marrying an impotent man, much of impotence is psychologically caused and if so is curable. Furthermore the newer sex hormones science has discovered are wonder workers.

Here are a couple of precautions that should be observed in marriages involving injured men:

--No girl should marry a veteran because of pity. It should be for love.

--No veteran should hesitate to marry just because he has a defect, providing the two love each other, one of them (preferably he) can make a living, and providing they have discussed the handicap and both understand its nature and limitations.

--They should give themselves a waiting period, just as any other two people who have been separated should do, for say six months before marrying.

--Remember that few people are one hundred per cent perfect physically. Under usual conditions, eighteen per cent of our working population has a definite physical defect or chronic disease. Of our war handicapped, it is believed that some eighty per cent can be placed, by careful selection of jobs, in work where they can be happy and just as productive in that particular job as they would be without the handicap. Another twelve or thirteen per cent will need rehabilitation before such placement can be made. Another five per cent will need extensive rehabilitation and even then will have to be placed in “sheltered” work.

What about the psychological casualties of war? Here we do have a real problem. Before the end of the war a third of the Army’s discharges were psychoneurotic cases of one form or another. But you should also remember that about one-sixth of the men rejected by the draft, the 4-_F_’s, were rejected for neuropsychiatric reasons. The fact is that close to one-fourth of all the single men in this country are maladjusted to some extent. This helps explain the terrific rise in the rate of divorce.

Psychoneurosis is a broad term covering “combat fatigue,” “war nerves,” ulcers and other psychosomatic disturbances. In World War I it was misleadingly referred to as “shell shock.” Don’t feel there is something lacking in a veteran who suffered a psychological breakdown because the facts show that unskilled “bad eggs” are less likely to break down than the men who had good records in clerical or skilled jobs in civilian life and were exemplary in their military conduct. Some of the factors producing breakdown in war service were long-continued tension, repeated expectancy of injury or death, terrifying experiences, loss of comrades in war from battle, excessive physical fatigue, insufficient sleep.

Perhaps it would help you to understand the psychoneurotic if we explained just how these breakdowns occur. Try to bear in mind that all of us have a breaking point, which varies from person to person. This breaking point is a “frustration climax” and is reached whenever the person has so many frustrations piled on him that he can no longer endure them. The ability to take it is frustration tolerance. Any one of us can break if the frustrations are intense enough and long continued. So when the soldier breaks, it simply means that his frustrations have been more than he can bear. It is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be hidden. In a war the soldier is constantly exposed to the threat of death, and never seeing his loved ones again. But in civilian life, death does not constantly threaten him and normally he is not so beset by frustrations.

Immediately after the 1918 Armistice was signed, thousands of soldiers who seemed to be neurotic, shellshocked, etc., recovered very quickly. Why? Because their lives were no longer threatened, they could return home and were relieved from the noise of battle and the emotional upheavals of seeing comrades shot down.

What does all this tell you? Simply this. When such a veteran comes home he may seem strange and nervous. He may be cynical about girls and disgusted with things in general. He may even break out in tears occasionally and will gripe a great deal. But he usually will return to normal soon. It may take a month, three months, even six months. If you are his girl just be patient. Don’t make him talk, don’t ask him for harrowing details of battle. Encourage him to get plenty to eat, sleep and rest. Don’t drag him around and show him off. Give him lots of love and affection. Keep him busy and occupied when he is in the mood. In short, be natural with him, but don’t pamper him too much or too long.

As for marriage, there is no reason why he shouldn’t marry. He will usually make a perfectly normal husband if he isn’t exposed to new, continued frustrations. If he is still unsettled certainly don’t marry yet because marriage, and the responsibilities marriage involves, will certainly not help him. The best procedure would be to wait at least six months and then marry--unless his doctor or psychologist advises against it.

_Chapter XVIII_

So You Agree to Marry: What Next?

We presume there are still young men who get down on their knees and make formal proposals but we aren’t personally acquainted with them. The average couple today goes about it more casually. In the course of a conversation they may discuss marriage and find that both like the idea.

Perhaps the old way was better. At least it was clear-cut. Nowadays a girl often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not. The young man may talk good-naturedly about “When we get married” or may give her his wings or fraternity pin without exactly explaining what the symbol is to mean. Most girls tell us they have been engaged two or three times. Perhaps this vagueness is one reason why they fall in and out of engagements.

When is a couple engaged? According to our thinking, two people are not engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry each other ... not until they inform their friends and if possible their respective parents that they intend to marry ... and not until the man gives the girl some symbol to display that will tell the world she is engaged and off the marriage market.

Four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their fiancées an engagement ring and that is probably most practical because a ring has been the one accepted, universal symbol of betrothal for more than twenty-five hundred years. Originally the symbolism was less subtle. The ring originated in the days of marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of the girl were bound with sweetgrass. As the bindings became purely symbolic only the finger was tied up, with an engagement ring. If you decide on a diamond ring (and more than three-fourths of couples do) they range in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars. According to one of the women’s magazines, more than half the engaged girls get diamond rings costing about fifty dollars.

Whatever the symbol adopted, it should serve the purpose of taking the couple “out of circulation” and to provide exclusiveness for each other. That is one of the basic conditions of an engagement. Exceptions can be made if the man is away for a prolonged period, but as a rule there should be no extra-curricular dating.

Here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in addition to taking you out of circulation:

--Engagement provides a period of deepening love and affection during which there is an awakening of sexual feelings which will make the couple yearn for the full intimacy which marriage permits.

--It serves as a period of planning for the future during which the two plan when they will be married, the kind of wedding they will have, where they will honeymoon, the sort of housekeeping arrangement they will make, where they will live, etc.

--It is a period of personality adjustment, of welding the couple into a union.

--It is a period of exploring each other’s interests to find what activities exist that both enjoy and can share.

--It is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage. The man gets a job, saves some money. The girl learns and perfects her homemaking skills in cooking, sewing, and house managing.

--It is a time to decide whether they want children and how many.

--It is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new habits which will permit a smoother married adjustment are established.

--It is a time when differences are recognized about religion, about parents, and solved or compromised.

Because of all these functions, the engagement is a period that requires time.

The beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in “gangplank” or hasty war marriages. And the end of the war produced another sharp rise. Thousands of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the returning veterans got off the boat. We can appreciate the desire of some long-separated couples to marry immediately but if they do they are only adding to the inevitable toll of broken marriages that will result.

Hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the engagement period, which is the period of planning and preparation for marriage, is cut short.

In one study that was made, forty-seven per cent of the married couples who had known each other less than six months prior to marriage were poorly adjusted! Of those who had been acquainted for five years prior to marriage, less than fifteen per cent were poorly adjusted. Of those who had known each other less than three years, about thirty-three per cent were poorly adjusted.

Similarly, about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor adjustment if they had been engaged less than three months before marriage. In contrast, less than twenty per cent had poor adjustment when their engagement period ranged from nine months to two years. And less than ten per cent of those who had been engaged more than two years were poorly adjusted. In other words, the prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the length of the engagement increases.

And incidentally the same study showed that couples were more happily married if both sets of parents approved the marriage. Parents in general are more likely to approve an orderly marriage than one contracted in haste.

Many hasty marriages are contracted secretly. These take two forms. First, the elopement, which is characterized by a secret wedding, but not by a secret marriage. In the second type the couple not only are married secretly but keep the marriage a secret. All the evidence indicates that either type is less likely to be happy even than the hasty marriage performed in public. By their very nature, secret weddings should be avoided by couples. They rarely take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the right thing.

For couples that involve a returning veteran, it is especially important that they be engaged at least six months after the reunion before marrying. This time will permit you to become reacquainted, to make up your minds if you still want to marry each other, and to adjust to the changes you two have had during your separation. It provides the veteran time to decide what to do about his career. And it provides him with a chance to get back into the routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities of marriage. In the Army or Navy much of his thinking was done for him. Now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities. The transition may be relatively short for him if he decides to go back to an old job; it may be quite long if he elects to continue his vocational preparation.

Sex is a problem during engagement, because it is accepted as a period for greater intimacy, and properly so. In courtship restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public morals, but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement. Our customs permit greater intimacy during engagement than during courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before marriage. On the other hand, society relaxes chaperonage of engaged couples, permits them to keep later hours, to be together for longer periods of time, perhaps to take trips together. Under such circumstances restraint must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from intercourse. Fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can apply restraint more readily. However, if she loves her fiancé deeply she is torn between two desires: whether to do or not do what she has been taught; or whether to do or not do what her loved one suggests. If she gives in to him, it is usually because of the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great sexual desire. Each couple should decide what their limits will be and stick by them. Both should remember that many engagements never result in marriage.

While an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention by the two people that they intend to marry, engaged couples should feel that if there is any question in their mind about the continuance of the engagement each should feel free to call it quits. They should discuss their apprehensions frankly. It is far better not to go through with a marriage that may prove unsuited or unhappy. (However it is foolish, of course, to break an engagement over a quarrel.) This chance of breaking off is another reason for a long engagement. The authors feel that everything should be done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage is contracted. If couples were trained more for marriage and went through a longer preparatory period, then the more poorly matched couples would become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have far fewer broken marriages in America!

Regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends, you should never marry a person against your better judgment because wedlock will only aggravate an unpleasant situation. Nor should you be deterred from fear that the mate will be so upset emotionally that he will commit a rash act. Such a fear in itself should be proof that the person is not emotionally stable and so probably would not make you a good spouse. (Incidentally, a rash act is exceedingly unlikely.)

One of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage counselors is how much of a “past” should be revealed by one mate to the other. One general principle should be followed completely, namely, that whatever is to be revealed should be revealed _before_ marriage and not afterward. A second principle is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis on which to begin a marriage. In most cases, we believe, it is wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling. Just because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must be rattled. The only thing that a couple should tell each other are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness in marriage. Such things as concealed physical defects, previous marriage, legal embarrassments, debts, etc., should be told because they will come out sooner or later anyhow. However, if you do feel impelled--perhaps through feelings of guilt--to reveal disagreeable aspects of your past, discuss it with some trusted confidant or physician beforehand to confirm the wisdom of doing so. And when you do make the revelation, do it casually and without emotion and without making a great fuss over it.

Engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding. Frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic with each other in facing your problems. Your major problems deal primarily with the present and the future rather than with the past. One evidence that you are trying to solve them is the willingness with which you freely discuss them with each other, with your parents and with your trusted confidants.

_Chapter XIX_

Getting Ready for Married Intimacy

In the course of counseling, one occasionally encounters a couple whose marriage has not been attended by complete physical intimacy. In one such case the two people had been married two years. More astounding, neither of them was aware that complete physical intimacy is quite common among married couples! Both had been reared in extremely sheltered atmospheres. The boy was a minister’s son. The girl had been reared by maiden aunts. They were completely naïve about sexual phenomena and had no understanding of what was giving them the feelings of frustration from which they suffered.

How important is sex in marriage? Does it have much to do with the happiness one derives from marriage? Or is sex merely important in reproduction?

While sex may not be the most important factor in marriage, it frequently makes or breaks a marriage. And a satisfying adjustment on the level of physical love is closely associated with marital happiness. Probably the most important thing in making a marriage successful is the determination of both mates to make the marriage work. Companionship and the mutual working out of problems together are the fruits of happy marriages. But couples are rarely good companions if they have repressions or fears or maladjustments which thwart their achieving a satisfying unity on the physical level.

Some experts have estimated that during the first few years of marriage nearly half of marriage happiness depends on the sexual adjustment achieved. This does not seem unreasonable because sex provides the first rush of desire that launches the marriage and continues to integrate the couple and bring a sense of harmony to their union.

As the years pass couples achieve an increasingly satisfying adjustment and the union of their bodies at frequent intervals in climactic pleasure provides a bond between them. The experience also is important in reducing the tensions that develop in both mates during the course of their daily living. These tensions are of many kinds but they include the sexual tension which results from hormones being poured into the blood streams of both the man and woman. The exhilarating orgasms that come as a climax in successful coitus break these tensions and produce satisfying feelings of relaxation and serenity.

One of the misfortunes of modern marriage is that so many married couples are not able to achieve a satisfactory sexual adjustment. Studies have shown that at least a third of all wives rarely experience orgasm and at least half of all wives do not experience it with any great regularity. The major reasons for their failure are:

--Most wives are more inhibited and repressed than their husbands.

--Most young wives have less actual sex drive than their husbands.

--The husbands in too many cases are inconsiderate of the wife and are primarily concerned in achieving satisfaction for themselves.

Too often sex--instead of being a bond--becomes a quarreling point between the couple. Both are resentful. Such feelings tend to increase tension rather than reduce it.

Because sex is so vital to the happiness of a marriage, we suggest that both you and your mate read a good book on sexual adjustment (_see bibliography_) so that you will know what to expect and won’t be frightened by the thought of it.

The girl (and perhaps the man) can learn a great deal by taking up the matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical examination a week or so before the wedding. She can ask the physician questions about sexual matters and clear up any points that trouble her. He can describe for her the sensations she can expect to experience during the physical intimacy. At the time of the examination she can also discuss any fears she has of immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become stabilized. He may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to eliminate that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see if the pelvis is too narrow for normal childbirth. Most engaged couples want to know about contraception, and the average young doctors and nearly all gynecologists are well equipped to give such information.

Couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have strong--and dangerous--differences of opinion about it. The problem of whether to have or not to have children, and when to have children, should definitely not be left to chance. Most religious leaders are now in agreement on that. For those couples whose religion forbids contraceptive devices, the rhythm method can be followed, although this method is not recommended for couples whose religion permits them to use other methods.

Another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her hymen, which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches across the entrance to her vagina. (Incidentally, the absence of the hymen as an obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since it can be disrupted in childhood without the girl’s knowledge or through medical examinations.) If it is so thick that discomfort may be experienced during first intercourse or if it prevents intercourse entirely, the doctor may prescribe a simple treatment.

All couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is not something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and that it takes about three to six months for the typical couple to work out a thoroughly satisfying adjustment. Many brides have all sorts of baseless fears that must be dispelled.

There are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a man and woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man slights phases one and three.

The first phase is that of arousal. The husband and wife caress each other and become physically and psychologically ready for a merging of their bodies. This first phase should not be hurried. It is especially important that the husband remember this because a woman’s passion arouses much more slowly than a man’s, particularly during the first few years of married life. By allowing plenty of time for the woman, the couple can help equalize their differences in sex drive. The presence of erect nipples is an indication that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive to further advances.

Phase two is the actual coitus. In the early days of marriage this should be engaged in gently. Later both may be able to enjoy the tumultuous vigor of unrestrained physical intimacy. The husband should not forget during intercourse to tell his wife how much he loves her, how wonderful he thinks she is, how much delight she is bringing him. Nor should the wife feel hesitant or bashful about doing likewise. If either can make suggestions to the other that will lead to greater enjoyment, both should feel free to do so. It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can bring them.

In many cases (unfortunately) the husband, because of strain and fatigue, will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately. The average couple, after some experience, find that actual intercourse usually lasts about five to ten minutes. Some wives require ten minutes or fifteen minutes before they are able to achieve orgasm. Some men, perhaps one in seven, are unable to hold back ejaculation for more than two or three minutes. All couples can bring their orgasms closer to each other if they will try to accommodate themselves to each other. The ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm simultaneously.

Orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal fluid. For the woman, orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of the muscles in her genital region. It is accompanied by a feeling of great tension reduction as well as great pleasure.

Now we come to phase three, which should not be slighted. It is a sort of postlude, an after the storm. The average wife derives exquisite pleasure from feeling herself and her husband relaxing. Further, in this phase the wife wants to be held closely by her husband and to be told that he loves her. She wants to be made to feel that he loves her for what she is, all the qualities that she has, all the traits that she possesses, and not alone for the sexual thrill that she has just given him. We might give the husband a practical suggestion at this point by telling him this. If his wife is slow in reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach orgasm more rapidly by making this postlude just as delightful for her as possible by being tender and romantic. Without realizing what is happening she will strive to achieve orgasm for the pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation that comes afterward.

Most young wives do not have an orgasm in the early days of marriage and so should not be distressed if they do not experience it on the wedding night. In Terman’s study of several hundred wives, less than twenty-five per cent stated they had orgasm at first intercourse. Another twenty-five per cent said they experienced it within a few days or weeks. Another twenty-five per cent roughly stated that they experienced it sometime between the first month of marriage and the twelfth month. And the remaining wives said they had either never experienced it or did not experience it until one or more years after marriage.

In scoring these same women on their marriage happiness, Terman found that those women who did not experience orgasm within the first year were significantly less happy in marriage than those who had been able to achieve it within the first year. More than half of the happiest husbands and wives seemed to be those in marriages where the wife had orgasm within the first few months of marriage.

It should be remembered however that the presence or absence of orgasm is not necessarily a criterion of marriage happiness or unhappiness. While absence of it is clearly an obstacle for many couples it is not a major cause of unhappiness in marriage, providing that it does occur within the first year. The happiest couples seem to be those where there is complete or fairly complete tension reduction experienced in intercourse whether an orgasm occurs or not.

What are the obstacles to happiness as far as sex is concerned? Terman found that many unhappy husbands complained most frequently about such things as these:

Wife shows too little enthusiasm.

Wife can not regularly reach an orgasm or is slow in reaching it.

Wife desires intercourse too rarely.

Wife not physiologically ready for intercourse.

Wife has too little regard for the husband’s satisfaction.

Wife does not express enough tenderness and consideration.

It was found that unhappy wives complained about such things as these:

Husband has orgasm too quickly.

Husband desires intercourse too frequently (or too rarely).

Husband wants to go to sleep or get up too soon after the climax.

Husband shows too little enthusiasm.

Husband does not caress affectionately during the preliminary phase.

Husband expresses too little tenderness.

If you wonder about the importance of physical love in marriage you might remember that very few husbands and wives are unfaithful to each other if their passions are satisfied and if mates are considerate of each other’s needs. The Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has not found a single case of separation or divorce among couples who have achieved and maintained sexual harmony since the early weeks of their marriage.

_Chapter XX_

Getting Off to a Good Start

Marriage is a plunge, no matter how carefully it is planned. The man takes on the responsibility of supporting someone besides himself for the rest of his life. The girl gives up her name, her independence of action, and usually her career. Both mates must adjust themselves to an entirely new existence.

The pattern of wedded relationship that will persist for the rest of your married life usually sets during the first few months. Every day you will take first steps. And those steps are important. You start living together, planning together and sleeping together. At a hundred points you can make missteps that will leave scars on your relationship long after the original incidents are forgotten. That’s why the first few months are so important.

For a girl, the wedding day will undoubtedly be the biggest day she will experience in her life. Because of this the groom should hesitate before he discourages a church wedding or suggests that they be married by some roadside justice of the peace. While being married in the church is not necessary for marriage happiness, it has been found that those couples who are serious-minded are more likely to achieve happiness if their wedding is under the auspices of the church. Then it is planned, it is dignified, and the vows--which seem to take on added meaning in a church--are uttered before friends and relatives.

The bride should have the privilege of setting the date of the wedding. In doing this she should try to set the date so that it will follow a few days after the menstrual period has ended. She does that not only because of anticipated physical intimacies, but because the menstrual period frequently makes a girl irritable and depressed--hardly the best mood for a honeymoon.

In planning the wedding and the honeymoon it is important to avoid all situations that might produce tension and worry, and especially the feeling of “hurrying somewhere.”

If you can manage a honeymoon, take it by all means. It doesn’t need to involve a long trip or staying at an expensive resort. Here are some suggestions on the site of the honeymoon that may be helpful:

It should not be spent with friends or relatives.

It should be spent at a place where the couple is not well known.

It is better to spend it in the country or a small town rather than in a bustling metropolis.

It should be spent where there will be no obligations to attend social functions or to meet definite schedules.

It should be spent where both will be completely free of outside responsibilities, such as cooking their own food so there will be no limit on the time they can be together.

It should be spent where there are things to do and activities to enjoy whenever they feel in the mood for such diversions.

The first adjustment faced by the typical married couple is sexual, for the typical couple engages in sexual intercourse on that first night. If they have discussed their attitudes on sex before the wedding they have paved the way. Nevertheless many couples feel self-conscious on their honeymoon night. Perhaps they would be even more self-conscious if they realized that marriage happiness during their first few years will depend a great deal on achieving a good sexual adjustment.

Often a husband can make that first night easier for a wife if he finds an errand to perform while his bride is preparing to retire. He may even suggest to her that he will be gone for fifteen or twenty minutes, which will give her a chance to be in bed when he returns. However if she seems eager for him to remain he should do so because she may be a little fearful of being left alone. In any case it is important that both respect each other’s privacy especially carefully during the first few weeks. Marriage, as we say, is an abrupt step and each should strive to ease the impact of the transition as much as possible.

If the new husband is ever romantic it should be now! The bride is probably a bit nervous about what is to follow and this can be largely dissipated if the groom is gallant and endearing and considerate. This is not only the decent thing to do but is sound psychology. It will build up in her a feeling of pride in him and a desire to share with him everything possible.

Actual intercourse should not be launched on that first night if the passions of both are not genuinely aroused. It is important that both the bride and groom be completely agreeable before the first intimacy is experienced. If the bride remains apprehensive about it they should content themselves with milder intimacies and take up the matter another night. They should not feel there is some hard-and-fast tradition that they must have an experience that first night.

If the bride is a virgin and still possesses the impediment of one, both should understand that some pain will be experienced during the first intercourse and neither may achieve a climax.

Further, both should understand that sexual adjustment is learned, not inherited. The initial learning may be somewhat awkward and not too satisfying. It’s not a natural, spontaneous thing, contrary to the average young person’s notions. It is this misconception that frightens many brides into frigidity when they find intimacy doesn’t come naturally to them immediately. Many feel that there must be something wrong with themselves when they don’t enjoy it from the start.

But if they are patient and gentle with each other within a few weeks they should sense the deep thrills that lie in store for them. And within six months at most, they should have achieved a grand and satisfying relationship.

If they are to achieve anything beyond animalistic excitement, the aim of both the man and girl should be not to receive satisfaction but to give satisfaction. It is this considerateness that makes the act sublime and enriching. It welds them into a strong union.

As the honeymoon progresses, something usually happens toward the end that jolts the couple back to reality. For the first time, perhaps unconsciously, the groom starts acting like a husband or the bride like a wife. Usually it is the groom. Perhaps he forgets to kiss his bride when he leaves her for a few hours. Perhaps she catches him thinking of something else while she is confiding her love. Or perhaps he just refuses to get up and look at the gorgeous sunrise that is thrilling her.

This little “baptism” comes sooner or later and brides should prepare themselves for it. It signifies that the honeymoon is just about over and that they are returning to the day-to-day job of living together as two human beings. The bride may feel let down or heartsick. She may even cry a little or flare up and upbraid him. Or worse she may retreat into her shell. If she fails to handle the incident calmly and retain her sense of proportion she may develop an attitude that will get them off to a bad start.

As they get down to the day-to-day job of adjusting themselves to married life the wife will find that the major burden of the adjusting falls on her. That is because the woman normally must rearrange her life, upon marriage, more than the man, despite the fact that they are partners. For example:

He stays in the same community whereas she often must leave hers, and her friends, to live with him.

He keeps his name whereas she drops hers to take his, with a “Mrs.” in front of it.

He keeps his job whereas she usually quits hers to learn an entirely new occupation--homemaking.

He continues to make his own money whereas she becomes dependent upon him even for spending money.

He lives the role of husband an hour in the morning and a few hours in the evening whereas she spends fifteen hours a day functioning as a wife.

He continues spending the greatest part of his energy trying to please his boss, whereas she starts devoting her energy to winning her husband’s approval--approval for the way she cooks, dresses, runs the home, takes care of the children, if they have them. Normally the wife spends at least eighty per cent of the husband’s income on such things as these and naturally is anxious to convince him she is using his money wisely.

What adjustments must two people make in their attitude toward each other in order to live together happily?

If you were to accept the word of certain newspaper “experts” on love and marriage, you might get the impression that all the new husband need do to make his wife happy is not to smoke in bed, to pick up his own clothes, and to wash off the bathtub ring. Likewise it would seem that all the new wife has to do is remove her lipstick before retiring and avoid talking to him before he has had his breakfast.

Marriage would be simple if those sorts of things were the essentials of marriage adjustment. Actually the essentials are much more basic.

For two people to live together successfully as husband and wife they must be able to understand each other as only true companions can.

They must recognize the needs of each other and be willing to coöperate to satisfy them. Perhaps the girl is easily upset emotionally and needs her husband’s calm disposition to steady her. Or perhaps he has feelings of inferiority which she can offset by building up his ego.

And they must be able to face the facts when differences arise (as over money), and be able to work out amicable solutions together. Mates who haven’t learned to compromise differences face a stormy future.

If you want your mate to be eager to please you instead of ignoring or defying you, learn to condition him by rewarding him with praise and caresses. When the husband does something that displeases a wife she must never reward him. Likewise, for example, if the wife wants a new dress which is too expensive and the husband tries to make it clear to her that he cannot afford it, and she has a temper tantrum, he should not give in and buy the dress. In this case, the husband would reward her temper tantrum.

Let this happen two or three times and thereafter she will use a tantrum to get the things she wants from him. She knows he hates such scenes and will give in. It will be much better psychologically if the much-desired dress can be given to her as a reward for something nice she has done.

While a husband or wife wants to feel that things are done out of love and for love only, the fact remains that love continues only if it is nourished. If a husband snarls at his wife, never gives her a kind word, never rewards her and is always condemning or punishing her, the day will come when she will absolutely despise him.

There is such a thing as deathless love, but it exists only when it has a firm foundation of considerateness between the two.

Another thing newly-weds should learn is the importance of tension reduction. The husband may come home from the office and lash out at the wife because supper is a little late. What has happened, probably, is that he had some disagreeable experience at his work but had to keep his temper under check there. He comes home seething and explodes at the first provocation. The young wife may retreat to her room crying unless she senses the real reason for his anger. Instead she should recognize that he is tied up in nervous knots, take his outburst philosophically and try to reduce the tension by caressing him, by talking cheerfully and complimenting him on something nice or laudable he has done.

By so doing, she brings pleasantness after unpleasantness and thus encourages him to bring his troubles to her rather than to his male cronies or to some other woman.

Married couples should also understand the importance of climactic sexual relations as a means of reducing tension.

Another psychological habit that should be helpful to newly-weds is the use of indirect methods to get what they want. You will have a happier, more loyal mate if you can get him to do things you want by making suggestions rather than demands. If the lawn needs mowing just mention how ragged the grass is getting. Usually he will then mow it on his own initiative.

On the practical side, it is very helpful if the two can work out some plan for handling the income during the early weeks of marriage so that they can see just where the money goes. A simplified but formal budget is helpful here.

Further, it is vital that the wife quickly acquire skill in managing the home so that the husband will be initiated pleasantly into the role of being a home-body. A messy home frequently produces irritations which disrupt cordial relations between the two mates.

The new wife should plan her housework so that the tasks fit into a pattern and are taken care of in order and at specific times. For example, Monday may be “wash day”; Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday may be “shopping days”; Wednesday may be “ironing day”; Saturday morning may be baking day. This really amounts to a budget of her time and her work.

If they are to five happily ever after it is important that the wife know her husband’s food likes and dislikes. The importance of food to marriage success is frequently misunderstood by newly-weds, and highly underrated. A large portion of the husbands who take their troubles to the Penn State marriage clinic disclose sooner or later that their wives are poor cooks or serve them late, slapped-together meals.

When a husband comes home tired and harassed from his day’s work, nothing will restore him to a genial mood as much as his favorite dishes of food, expertly prepared and served soon after he arrives.

During the first few weeks of married life the wife should make an effort to learn something about her husband’s food likes and dislikes. Some of this should already have been gathered by observation during courtship and the honeymoon by noting the foods that he chose in a restaurant.

Simply knowing the husband’s favorite dishes is not enough. The new husband may not throw the first batch of burned biscuits at his wife, but if the next batch is burned too he is apt at least to throw some caustic comments.

Soon after the honeymoon there will come a time when one or both of the mates may no longer be satisfied just to be with each other. They will become more independent of each other unless during the first few months of marriage they have explored each other’s interests and found things they can do together.

If he is to become anything more than the provider and she anything more than the housekeeper, they must establish a sound basis for companionship. How can this be done? The essentials of human companionship are pretty universal for any two people whether they are mates or just close friends. Comrades most frequently have these things in common:

_They enjoy talking to each other._ Mates should not feel they have completely succeeded as partners until each regards the other as the one person he or she can unburden himself to about anything that is on his mind. Each can help develop a strong feeling of “conversational companionship” in their union by being a ready and sympathetic listener to the thoughts that are uppermost in the other’s mind. Both should realize that a woman’s interests naturally are different from a man’s. After their own immediate preoccupations of the day, a woman’s interests tend more toward clothes, decorations and amusements whereas the man is more interested in money, world affairs and sports. A good middle ground is their mutual interests and hobbies and the activities of their mutual acquaintances.

_Companions enjoy doing things together._ One of the first things newly-weds should investigate, if they haven’t already, are the things they can do peaceably and enjoyably together. Perhaps both get a great deal of pleasure from listening to early jazz recordings, or skiing, or merely playing chess or being together every night and saying very little.

Visiting friends can be fun where the two husbands are congenial and the two wives are fond of each other. One of the sad things about marriage is that a bride’s best friend marries a man whom her husband can’t stand; or the man’s old roommate marries a flighty, affected girl the wife can’t stand. Such antagonisms should be sensed and the bride and groom should in such cases try to get together with their old friends on an individual rather than a family basis.

_Companions respect each other’s opinions and abilities._ The shrewd wife keeps up with the world so that her husband will respect her as an individual in her own right. Wives that become completely dependent on their husbands, and cling to them because they have no other interest, frequently lose the respect of their husband.

_It helps if they are seeking a common goal._ One of the very best ways there is for a couple to develop a strong basis for companionship is to have common aspirations which both believe in and talk about enthusiastically.

This means sharing in a long-range project. They map their plans together and carry them through. They share triumphs and disappointments. They may build or remodel a home for themselves. In the process of planning, waiting and dreaming together they become comrades for life.

While it may be argued that building or buying a home is more expensive in the long run than renting, nothing gives a couple a greater feeling of solidarity than home ownership, especially when they plan together in building, remodeling or furnishing it.

Even saving money can be a common goal that will develop companionship, especially if the couple are saving the money for something they both want badly such as a car or a long-dreamed-of vacation trip. In general a young couple earning between eighteen hundred and three thousand dollars a year can well aim to save at least five per cent and better still ten per cent of the income. If they strive for a percentage much higher than that they may find it entails too great a denial.

Similarly the goal of a couple may be to raise a large happy family. They plan the arrival of their children and, working as a team, guide the growth and development of each child.

After Thoughts

By now we hope we have helped you clarify in your mind the kind of mate you want--and need. We have raised a good many thoughts you should bear in mind in selecting your mate. It is doubtful that you--or anyone--will find a mate who fits letter perfect into all the qualifications we have mentioned in the course of the book as desirable in mates, but that is not important. What is important is that your mate should fit into the general pattern of the kind of person you need, and should be free from the really serious short-comings we have mentioned.

Perhaps the most important single thought we can leave with you is that the person you marry should be one who will give you a _sense of well-being_. Marriage to this person should end your vague feelings of restlessness.

We know a young married couple who have “everything.” They live in a well-to-do suburb, belong to a country club and are not “tied down” by children. They go to many parties and on week-end excursions and eat out whenever they feel like it. Yet they go about their rush of activities with the bored futility of a dog chasing his own tail.

And we know another couple who are the kind some people would feel sorry for. They have four whooping youngsters that virtually pin them to the homestead and make outside social life impossible. They must fight a constant battle with living costs to get ahead financially. During most of their free moments they must work about their house, upholstering furniture, fixing leaking faucets or hanging storm windows.

Yet these two mates are immensely happy in marriage. They have a sense of purpose in life--a sense of well-being. They are so glad they are married to each other that they can shrug off the many irritations that beset them as unimportant. Both of them would confide to you that marriage is a wonderful, enriching experience.

Appendix A

Books You May Wish to Read

I. ADJUSTMENT OF THE VETERAN (In and after war).

1. ANON., _Psychology for the Fighting Man_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1943.

2. BORING, EDWIN G. (editor), _Psychology for the Armed Services_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.

3. CHILD, IRVIN L., and VAN DE WATER, MARJORIE (editors), _Psychology for the Returning Serviceman_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.

4. PRATT, GEORGE K., _Soldier to Civilian_. New York: Whittlesey House. McGraw-Hill, 1944.

5. REDMOND, CATHERINE, _Handbook for Army Wives and Mothers_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1944.

6. STEVENSON, ELEANOR, and MARTIN, PETE, _I Knew Your Soldier_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.

II. BASIC RESEARCH IN MARRIAGE (Technical research studies).

1. BURGESS, E. W., and COTTRELL, L. S., _Predicting Success or Failure in Marriage_. New York: Prentice-Hall, 1939.

2. DAVIS, KATHARINE B., _Factors in the Sex Life of Twenty-two Hundred Women_. New York: Harper and Brothers, 1929.

3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _A Thousand Marriages_. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1931.

4. HAMILTON, G. V., _A Research in Marriage_. New York: Albert and Charles Boni, 1929.

5. TERMAN, LEWIS M., _Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1938.

III. CONTRACEPTION AND FAMILY SPACING (Birth control).

1. COOPER, JAMES F., _Technique of Contraception_. New York: Day-Nichols, 1928.

2. DICKINSON, ROBERT L., _Control of Conception_. 2nd edition. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1938.

3. LATZ, LEO J., _The Rhythm of Sterility and Fertility in Women_. 5th edition. Chicago: Latz Foundation, 1935. (Recommended to Catholics.)

4. WELTON, T. S., _Modern Method of Birth Control_. New York: Walker J. Black, 1935.

IV. FAMILY AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS.

1. BABER, R. E., _Marriage and the Family_. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1939.

2. DRUMMOND, LAURA W., _Youth and Instruction in Marriage and Family Living_. New York: Teachers College, Columbia University, 1942.

3. GOLDSTEIN, SIDNEY E., _Marriage and Family Counseling_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1945.

4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Conserving Marriage and the Family_. New York: Macmillan, 1944.

5. GROVES, GLADYS HOAGLAND, _Marriage and Family Life_. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1942.

6. HILL, REUBEN, and BECKER, HOWARD (editors), _Marriage and the Family_. Boston: D. C. Heath, 1942.

7. MOWRER, H. R., _Personality Adjustment and Domestic Discord_. New York: American, 1935.

8. NIMKOFF, M. F., _The Family_. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1934.

9. BURGESS, ERNEST W. and LOCKE, HARVEY J., _The Family_. New York: American Book Company, 1945.

V. GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE (Improving personality).

1. LAIRD, DONALD A., and LAIRD, ELEANOR C., _The Technique of Handling People_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1943.

2. LOCKHART, EARL G., _Improving Your Personality_. Chicago: Walton Publishing Co., 1939.

3. MORGAN, JOHN B., and WEBB, EWING T., _Making the Most of Your Life_. Garden City, 1932.

4. MYERS, GARRY C., _The Modern Parent_. New York: Greenberg, 1930.

5. NEWTON, ROY, _How to Improve Your Personality_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.

6. WEBB, E. T., and MORGAN, JOHN J. B., _Strategy in Handling People_. Chicago: Boulton Pierce, 1930.

7. WHITE, WENDELL, _The Psychology of Dealing with People_. Revised. New York: Macmillan, 1941.

VI. INTERPRETATION OF MARRIAGE STUDIES (Not too technical).

1. HAMILTON, G. V., and MACGOWAN, KENNETH, _What Is Wrong with Marriage_. New York: Albert and Charles Boni, Inc., 1929. (This is a popular treatment of HAMILTON’S _A Research in Marriage_.)

2. HART, HORNELL, and HART, ELLA B., _Personality and the Family_. New York: D. C. Heath, 1941.

VII. MALADJUSTMENT AND NEUROTICISM (Mental hygiene).

1. CROW, LESTER D., and CROW, ALICE, _Mental Hygiene in School and Home Life_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.

2. FINK, DAVID H., _Release from Nervous Tension_. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1943.

3. LOUTTIT, C. M., _Clinical Psychology_. New York: Harper and Brothers, 1936.

4. SHAFFER, LAURANCE F., _The Psychology of Adjustment_. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1936.

5. SOLOMON, HARRY C., and YAKOVLEV, PAUL I. (editors), _Manual of Military Neuropsychiatry_. Philadelphia: W. B. Saunders, 1944.

VIII. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE (Easy to read and popular).

1. BOWMAN, HENRY A., _Marriage for Moderns_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.

2. FOLSOM, JOSEPH K., _Plan for Marriage_. New York: Harper and Brothers, 1938.

3. FOSTER, ROBERT G., _Marriage and Family Relationships_. New York: Macmillan Company, 1944.

4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Marriage_. New York: Henry Holt, 1941.

5. HIMES, NORMAN E., _Your Marriage_. New York: Farrar and Rinehart, 1940.

6. JORDAN, HELEN MOUGEY, _You and Marriage_. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1942.

7. JUNG, MOSES (editor), _Modern Marriage_. New York: F. S. Crofts and Co., 1940.

8. NELSON, JANET FOWLER, _Marriages Are Not Made in Heaven_. New York: Woman’s Press, 1939.

9. POPENOE, PAUL, _Marriage Before and After_. New York: Wilfred Funk, 1943.

10. POPENOE, PAUL, _Modern Marriage_. New York: The Macmillan Co., 1940.

11. DUVALL, EVELYN M. and HILL, REUBEN, _When You Marry_. Boston: D. C. Heath and Company, 1945.

IX. SEXUAL ADJUSTMENT (Inception, development, guidance).

1. BUTTERFIELD, OLIVER, _Marriage and Sexual Harmony_. New York: Emerson Books, 1938.

2. DEUTSCH, HELENE, _The Psychology of Women_. New York: Grune and Stratton, 1944.

3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _The Single Woman_. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1934.

4. HAIRE, NORMAN (editor), _Encyclopedia of Sexual Knowledge_. New York: Eugenics, 1940.

5. NOVAK, EMIL, _The Woman Asks the Doctor_. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1937.

6. STONE, ABRAHAM, and STONE, HANNAH M., _A Marriage Manual_. Revised edition. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1939.

7. VAN DE VELDE, T. H., _Ideal Marriage_. New York: Random House, 1930.

8. WALKER, KENNETH, and STRAUSS, ERIC B., _Sexual Disorders in the Male_. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1941.

9. WRIGHT, HELENA, _Sex Factor in Marriage_. Revised edition. New York: Vanguard Press, 1937.

X. SEXUAL ANATOMY (Illustrated hand atlas).

1. DICKINSON, R. L., _Human Sex Anatomy_. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1933.

XI. SEXUAL RESEARCH (Technical studies).

1. LANDIS, CARNEY, and BOLLER, M. MARJORIE, _Personality and Sexuality of the Physically Handicapped Woman_. New York: Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1942.

2. LANDIS, CARNEY et als., _Sex in Development_. New York: Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1940.

3. TERMAN, L. M., and MILES, C., _Sex and Personality_. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1937.

XII. SYMPOSIUM ON WAR MARRIAGE AND ITS PROBLEMS (Institute addresses on “Preparing for Marriage,” “Counseling Married Couples,” and “Preserving the Family”).

1. ADAMS, CLIFFORD R., and KERR, JAMES A. (editors), _Proceedings of the Annual Institute on Marriage and Home Adjustment_. State College: The Pennsylvania State College, 1944.

Appendix B

Marriage Counseling Agencies

The American Association of Marriage Counselors (Chairman, Lester W. Dearborn, 316 Huntington Avenue, Boston, and Secretary, Robert W. Laidlaw, M.D., 563 Park Avenue, New York) is a professional organization of qualified ethical marriage counselors. By writing either the chairman or the secretary, the name and address of a capable counselor in your vicinity may be obtained.

Other marriage counselors (or agencies) in colleges or universities are listed below, some of whom are affiliated with the American Association of Marriage Counselors.

Alabama: University of Alabama, Dr. Pauline Park Wilson California: University of California (Berkeley), Dr. Noel Keys Indiana: Anderson College, Dr. Carl Kardatzke Iowa: Iowa State College, Dr. Reuben Hill Massachusetts: Mt. Holyoke, Dr. Manfred H. Kuhn Michigan: Merrill-Palmer School (Detroit), Dr. Robert G. Foster Missouri: Stephens College, Dr. Henry A. Bowman North Carolina: University of North Carolina, Dr. Ernest R. Groves and Mrs. Gladys H. Groves Oregon: University of Oregon, Dr. Lawrence S. Bee Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania State College, Dr. Clifford R. Adams

Two nationally known reputable marriage counseling services are:

California (Los Angeles), American Institute of Marriage Relations, Dr. Paul Popenoe, Director Pennsylvania (Philadelphia), Marriage Counsel of Philadelphia, Mrs. Emily H. Mudd, Director

_Index_

Adams-Lepley Personnel Audit, 100-105

Adjustment, to married life, 198

Adolescence, 40

Age and marriage, Emotional, 40-41 Evidence of emotional immaturity, 41-42 Mental, 39 Physiological, 38 Sexual, 39 Vocational, 39

Alcohol and marriage, 159

Alibi artists, 150

Arousal stage, 191

Assortative mating, 28

Bachelors, percentage of, 15

Beauty, 89, 94-95

Bowman, Dr. Henry, 48

Children, as values, 22

Coitus, 191

Complaints of husbands and wives, 99

Contraceptives, 191

Dating, 40

Disorderly mates, 152

Divorce, 15 Rate of, 26-27

Emotional maturity, 41-43

Emotions, test, 72-73

Engagement, 183 Purpose, 184 Revealing your past during, 187 Role of sex during, 186

Erogenous zones, 58

Escapists, 151

Fetishism, 71

First night of marriage, 196-197

Flirts, 153

Frigidity, 55, 56, 67

Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory, 100

Hasty marriages, 185

Home making and marriage, 165-166

Homosexuality, 70

Honeymoon, 196-198

Husbands, happy and unhappy, 98

Hymen, 191

Infatuation, characteristics of, 48

Inferiority complex, 90

In-law complications, 152-153

Jealous mates, 146

Jealousy, test, 154-155

Jobs and marriage happiness, 167-168 Prestige of, 167

Lang, Richard O., 167

Law-abiding husbands, 158

Life’s problems, 22

Love, Ability for, 51-52 At first sight, 49 Conditions necessary for, 50 Defined, 47-50 Sex and, 55 Test of love, 53-54

Marriage, Basic needs filled by, 95-97 Best age for, 25, 38, 43 Chances of, 23 Common goals in, 203 Companionship and, 21 Crucial traits for happiness in, 99 Customs, 15 Differences and, 140-145 Effects of war on, 25-26 Expectancy of happiness in, test, 37 Mixed, 139 Mixed personalities, 140-141 Mixtures to beware in, 141-145 Qualifications, 156-164 Prediction of happiness scale, 100 Prospects for, 16 Psychological barriers, 16-18 Reasons against, 15-18 Reasons for, 19-20 Stabilizing influence of, 21 Suggestions for marital happiness, 133-136

Mate-matching, 124-126 Test for couples, 137

Mates, Acceptable, 27-28 Background of, 30 City Census table, 34 Critical, 149 Desirable, 104-105 Education of, 29 Financial status of, 29 Geography favorable for, 31 Job of, 30 Making over, 147-148 Range of eligibility, 28-31 Shortage of, 25 State age Census table, 32-33

Mating, problems of selection, 41-44 Problems of selection, 91-94 Traits wanted, 87-89

Meeting people of the opposite sex, 83-85

Menstruation, 58

Mismating, cause of, 26

Necking, 65

Nervous mates, 148

Neurosis, test of, 163-164

Obstacles to sexual happiness, 194

Orgasm, percentage experiencing, 64, 192-193

Pedophilia, 71

Penn State Counseling Service, 147-201

Personality test, 81, 82

Petting, 65, 67-69 Exploitive, 68 Setting limits, 71

Physical handicaps, 17

Physical health, 64, 158 Need for physical examination, 162-163

Popularity with opposite sex, 75-80 Suggestions for girls, 81

Powers, John, 89

Pregnancy, 191

Premarital sexual relations, 63 Arguments for and against, 65-67 Percentage of, 63 Reasons for increase, 64

Previous divorce, 161

Promiscuity, 67-68

Psychoneurosis, 158-160, 180-181

Pyle, Ernie, 175

Relatives, clinging, 152

Responsibility in marriage, 159

Sadism, 71

Self-confidence, importance of, 90

Services, Counseling, 156

Sex, Abnormal outlets, 70-71 Desire and its origin, 55-56 Development, 56-57 Importance of, 189-190 Maladjustment, 56-57 Peak of sexual vigor, 65 Release from tensions, 69-70 Repressions unlearned, 60-61 Tensions, 68 Three phases of sexual experience, 191-192

Sexual adjustment, 190

Tension reduction, 200

Terman, Dr. L. M., 63, 98-100, 193

Veterans, Desire for marriage, 21 Precautions to consider, 180 Subconscious conflicts, 175 Traits gained by war experience, 174 War injuries, 178-179

Vocational trouble makers, 168-173

Voyeurism, 70

Wedding, 195

Wives, happy and unhappy, 98

=TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE=

Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.

Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=.

Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within the text and consultation of external sources.

Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.

Pg 60: ‘Extensive psychotherepy may’ replaced by ‘Extensive psychotherapy may’.

Pg 64: ‘complete physical infirmary’ replaced by ‘complete physical intimacy’.

Pg 68: ‘them such exprestion’ replaced by ‘them such expression’.

Pg 76: ‘for real archievement’ replaced by ‘for real achievement’.

Pg 90: ‘or saxaphone playing’ replaced by ‘or saxophone playing’.

Pg 120: ‘in marriage haappiness’ replaced by ‘in marriage happiness’.

Pg 134: ‘critical and gossippy’ replaced by ‘critical and gossipy’.

Pg 151: ‘shed all responsibilites’ replaced by ‘shed all responsibilities’.

Pg 158: ‘of mental funtion’ replaced by ‘of mental function’.

Pg 174: ‘perseverence and patience’ replaced by ‘perseverance and patience’.

Pg 178: ‘glamorous because glamor’ replaced by ‘glamorous because glamour’.

Pg 201: ‘expertely prepared and’ replaced by ‘expertly prepared and’.

Pg 202: ‘each other’s opinons’ replaced by ‘each other’s opinions’.