How to Get Married, Although a Woman; or, The Art of Pleasing Men
CHAPTER IX. THE LOVED WIFE.
Our life-story does not end, as it does in the novel, when the wedding-bells ring. After that comes the real life. The wedding-bells are but the call to more faithful duties, more earnest, unselfish love, greater effort to be attractive, more pains to make the husband happy than were taken to win his love. They ring out the birth of a love that is until death. They ring out the knell of all coyness and romance. The hero becomes the very human man: the shy girl is a woman who is to be his helpmeet. They ring out the beginning of a battle where man and woman must stand shoulder to shoulder if they would win. They tell of a conflict where there will be strength in union, but in division weakness, destruction of happiness, complete failure, disgrace, and sometimes even death.
A girl rarely considers the deep responsibilities she takes upon herself when she marries. She is more often thinking of the happiness it will give her than of what she is to be to the man. She does not stop to think whether or not she is going to make her husband happy. She forgets that from that time his whole happiness, his success in life, almost his soul, are in her keeping. “A man must ask his wife’s leave to thrive” is altogether true. A wife may be a dead weight or an inspiration. The dead weight drags even the strongest down, and an inspiration helps him to conquer every time. I have heard a man with a bad wife say: “Oh, I have no heart in me to do anything. She takes it all out of me.” I have known a man with less ability, but with a true wife to inspire him, to conquer where the other failed.
Marriage itself is not happiness unalloyed. Life never is in any state. You are happier married than single, but marriage has its hard places. The romance soon dies out. Real life comes. The every day living together brings friction. It is for better and for worse. It seems a light thing to say at the time when you are sure it will all be for the better. You fancy you have only half learned his goodness. In many cases that is so. In many more it is not: it is for the worse. Then the break comes. Gradually his weaknesses will be revealed to you. The golden idol shows clay feet. Slowly the gilding is all rubbed off, and the idol is seen to be clay all through. Many a woman meets with this disappointment. It is the great disappointment of her life. God help the woman who finds that her husband is unworthy of her love! A weak woman sinks under the blow, and drags him even farther down. A strong woman will stand up bravely and in the end draw him up to her heights.
She must gather together all her love for him. She must allow religion to take the helm with this love or all is lost. Sometimes love reels: sometimes the senses do. Then, of all times, a woman must watch herself well. She is fighting a terrible battle with her disappointment as well as with his faults. They must be silent battles: the more silent the stronger they will be, and the more sure she will be of victory. She must never by hint or word let any one outside know of his failings. If they are of the kind which go before or which are well known by the community, she must show the world that she is blind to them. She must never speak against her husband even to her own mother. She must never admit that he has a fault. She has entered into a partnership where one partner cannot be untrue to the other. She has promised before God to honor him. Her loyalty may save him. It is certain that if she does talk about him, and it comes to his ears, it will drive him away from her. When a breach is made between husband and wife, it widens continually. What in the beginning is a tiny thread soon becomes a broad gulf. It is really wonderful what a little while it takes for this breach to widen, and how disastrous are the effects. Our daily papers are a continual illustration of that fact.
A perfect wife will never allow her opinion of her unworthy husband to be known. If he is unkind to her, she hides it as she hides her own misdeeds. Indeed, she would rather take upon herself the blame for any trouble others may have seen. She is pleased always with any kind attention he receives. A lady wrote her sister, with whom her husband was stopping for a few days: “He writes me you are doing every thing to make his visit pleasant. Thank you. Whatever kindness you bestow upon him you bestow upon me.”
You will find plenty of listeners when you tell of your husband’s faults and your own wrongs. They will be your apparent sympathizers. Not one, however, will respect you for doing so. No one will care about you. Almost all will repeat it to some one else. It will be generally said that you live unhappily with your husband. You will have as much blame as he has. It is the way of the world. It knows pretty well that the wife who so far forgets herself as to talk against her husband is as much to blame for the trouble as he is. She cannot be a good, loving, Christian wife, who is trying to lead him to better things. Such a woman would hold her tongue. In telling, you have simply opened all the doors and windows of your house and invited the community to look their fill at your most private affairs. The rest of the doors and windows of the community are closed. You have noticed--have you not?--that your confidence has not been returned. No, indeed. It is well known that the woman who cannot guard her husband’s honor cannot respect another’s confidence. If only in the sight of men then, the untrue wife is the loser. She sends him into greater wrong. She undoes herself as she undoes him. Together they must rise or fall. Many a woman in her blind anger at her husband has tried to crush him. Like Samson, when he would crush the Philistines, she has succeeded, but only to bury herself in the ruins with him.
That her husband is not what she thought him, is no excuse: she took him for worse as well as better. She is simply showing that she is not one whit above him, and that he has been decidedly deceived in her. He has gotten the worse too.
Unfortunately true, good men have bad wives, too--they are not confined to bad husbands only. There are wives of good men who forget that the husband’s whole happiness depends upon them. Many a wife forgets this great responsibility. His business may be successful and everything outside going along satisfactorily, but if he has no peace at home he has no happiness. A woman who does not make her husband happy fails in her great life-work. She is unworthy to be the mother of his children. God gave woman to man to be his helpmeet; she is no helpmeet if she makes his life wretched. It is her highest pleasure, her great “rights,” to smooth his path. If she fail there, she far better never have married.
What a man wants in his wife is companionship, sympathy, and love. He wants to feel that she is his best friend. He never wants to look anywhere else for sympathy and help: he never will if he can get all he needs from her. His life has many hard places: he needs a companion to go over them with him. He is often overtaken by misfortunes: he needs some one to stand by him and sympathize as she helps him to bear them. He has to fight with poverty often, and he needs a woman whom he feels, when he puts his arms about her, is worth fighting for. He has many enemies: he needs a wife whose loving words will make up for the bitter ones he hears from them. He needs a wife who will make him forget, when he is in her presence, that there is an unkind world outside. He meets sin everywhere: he wants a wife who will give him words of counsel, and who will take his hands and lead him to greater faith in, and love for, the Father. Storms will come all through life, he must encounter them. He needs a woman who will cling to him through the hardest. He needs her love through sunshine and victory as well.
He wants to feel through all that his refuge is in her arms as hers is in his. He wants a wife upon whose breast he can lay his head, when sorrows come, and weep. He wants one who will make him feel that no matter where else death strikes, as long as he has her he can endure life. I remember a man who, when his dearly-beloved sister died, laid his head on his wife’s shoulder, weeping, and said, “If it were you I should die.”
There are in history women upon whose strong hearts strong men have leaned and have become more strengthened in that leaning. Weak men have become manly through a womanly wife. Strong men have been weakened by a weak, wicked wife. Truly a man is made or marred when he marries. He must indeed ask his wife leave to thrive.
It is in every woman’s power to be a well-loved wife. She cannot exact it: she must win it. She has his affection to start upon. She must increase it, instead of allowing it to decrease. She must not go upon the principle that because she is his wife it is his duty to worship her. If she does, she will be bankrupt as far as his affection is concerned. Men are not made in that way, as I have said before, and you must take them as you find them if you take one at all. Many a wife has allowed her husband’s affection to die. She has fancied, maybe, that she was lowering her dignity to try to keep what she considered was her due. Nothing is our due of which we are not worthy. We are not worthy of a love we do not try to keep. Women who are exacting after marriage are generally the ones who tried the hardest to attract the man at first. It is generally the girl who runs after a man till she gets him who makes no effort after marriage to retain his love, and who talks the loudest about her “rights, and not grovelling at his feet,” if it is suggested that she do better.
Before she married she dressed for him. Nothing she owned was too pretty to put on when she knew he would see her. She was careful to be tidy in her person. She would never let him see a room in her home which was in disorder. She was courteous always. She never said an impatient word to him or before him. If he was cross, she bore it like an angel. She greeted him always when he came with a sweet smile and caress. She had loving words for him as she told him how she wanted to see him every minute since they had parted. She desired in every way to appear at her best before him. She hid every defect of temper or disposition.
After marriage she does not care how untidy she is when he comes home. She never thinks of dressing for him. She is not courteous to him. She has no loving word, and she never hesitates to speak a cross one to him. She has smiles yet for the outside world, but none for the man whom she has promised to love and honor. She talks to him as she would be ashamed to have any one hear her speak. She never bears with him. If he is cross, she is crosser. Is it any wonder she loses his love? She is not what he thought she was, or what he thought he was marrying. If he had seen her in her true colors before the fatal words were spoken, he never would have bound himself to her. The beautiful soul, the sweet smile that won him, are gone. The gentle spirit he fancied he detected, was a delusion. What he loved, he does not possess. He possesses an unwomanly wife, and that he did not woo. With a weak man there comes a break. He often seeks his happiness with another woman. A strong man endures in silence, growing old and sad, broken in his youth.
Ought this to be? There is no reason, because you have grown familiar to each other, you should not try to hide your temper as you did before. There is no reason, because he is “caught” and cannot get away from you, that you should cease to be attractive to him. You spread your net well. Now make the nest so attractive that he will be glad that he was “caught.” Be all that you led him to fancy you were.
Why should not a woman dress for her husband? Why should she not cultivate a sweet disposition for him and endeavor to make his home the happiest spot on earth? Why not try to banish from it every cloud, everything that will annoy or irritate? Is it of no use? It is of the greatest earthly use. It is a means of helping you both on to Heaven. If you must be selfish, remember it is making yourself happier to have your husband love you as he loves no other earthly being. Men, after all, are easily pleased--you found that out in your courtship days. They are easily managed too. A man will do almost everything for the wife that makes him happy. He is almost too much of a slave to her. She can do what she will to him. With him, getting her own way is only a matter of tact and sweetness. Husbands are almost all like the man in the fable of the wind and sun. The sun beat in the end. Warmth of love and sweetness of manner will gain a victory, where an ill-tempered insisting upon “rights” fails completely.
Ward McAllister says in his “Society as I Have Found It,” “My advice to all married women is to keep up flirting with their husbands as much after marriage as before; to make themselves as attractive after their marriage as they were when they captivated them; not to neglect their toilet, but rather to improve it: to be as coquettish and coy after they are bound together as before when no ties held them.”
Choice Selections in Poetry and Prose.
Compiled by RHODUM L. GRIGGS.
INTRODUCTION.
We know that there is an unfortunate tendency in human nature to treat with levity the subject of love, courtship and marriage. But a moment’s consideration should convince you how utterly repugnant it is to all manly feelings to jest in these matters. They are the most serious questions of your life, as your weal or woe, and the weal and woe of those who come after you, depend in great measure, upon the wisdom and virtue with which you conduct your preparations for marriage. The whole tendency of such lightness is to cause the marriage relation to be lightly esteemed, and the true aim of courtship to be lost sight of, for unless you view it in its true light, with that sober earnestness which the subject demands, your courtship will be nothing more than a grand game of hypocrisy, resulting in misery the most deplorable.
LOVE.
Love is an actual need, an urgent requirement of the heart. Every properly constituted human being who entertains an appreciation of loneliness and looks forward to a home of happiness and content, feels the necessity of loving.
Without love, life is unfinished; hope, without aim; nature defective, and man miserable. Love is the ruling element of life; the great instrument of nature; that soft, subduing sun against whose melting beams there is not one human soul in a million, not a thousand men in all earth’s domain, whose hearts are hardened. Love, if pure, unselfish and discreet, constitutes the chief happiness of human life. No man or woman is complete in their experience of life until they have been subdued into union with the world through their affections. The bosom which does not feel love is cold; the mind which does not conceive it is dull; the philosophy which does not accept it is false; the only true religion in the world has pure, undying love for its basis. Look back over your life; if there is a bright spot to be seen, it is where the star of love shed its light; if there is a plant, flower or any beautiful thing visible it is where the smiles and tears of your affections were spent; where some fond eye met your own; where some endearing heart was clasped to yours.
Love, to make your life and home beautiful, must shine on through years, and its radiance linger till the shadows of death darken altogether.
COURTSHIP
Is the first turning point in your life, crowded with perils and temptations. The rose tints of affection dazzle and bewilder your imagination. You should not trust too much to the impulse of the heart, or be too easily captivated by a winning exterior.
Not once in a hundred times do two natures, brought side by side, harmonize in every part. While always bearing in mind that life without love is a wilderness, it should not be overlooked that true affection requires solid support. Your object in courtship should not be to charm, gratify, nor please simply for the present pleasure, but for the selection of a companion who must bear, suffer and enjoy life with you in all its forms; one who will walk pleasantly, willingly and confidingly by your side through all the intricate and changing vicissitudes incident to mortal life; one possessed of a constitution of soul similar to your own; of similar age, opinions, tastes, habits, modes of thought and feeling; one who under any given combination of circumstances would be affected as you would; one who would approve what you approve and condemn what you condemn; not for the purpose of agreeing with you but of her own free will; one who is already united to you by the ties of spiritual harmony. In the selection of a wife, a pure, loving heart and good common sense are many times more valuable than personal beauty or wealth, for once installed in the affections of such a woman, you have a life claim on her good offices, and no sacrifice that she can make is too great, no adversity so strong that it can shake her firmness. True courtship is withal a beautiful sight. Only the coarse and illiterate can see there aught for ridicule or jest. It is the flowing together of two separate lives that have heretofore been divided, now mysteriously brought together, to flow on through all time, and only God in His infinite wisdom knows how far in the shadowy hereafter.
MARRIAGE.
For all professions, trades and callings in life, men and women prepare themselves by previous attention to their principles and duties. They study them, devote time and money to them. Every imaginable case, difficulty or trial is considered and duly disposed of according to the general principles of the trade or profession. But marriage, the most important and holy relation of life, involving the most sacred responsibilities and influences, social, civil and religious, that bear upon men and women, is entered upon in hot haste or blind stupidity by a great majority of the men and women of to-day.
No man has a right to ask a woman to enter matrimonial bonds with him unless he is thoroughly acquainted with the female constitution and character, for he who knows not her nature knows not how to gratify or satisfy that nature. It is ignorance in these matters that causes a great amount of matrimonial infelicity. Marriage, to be a blessing, must be properly entered. It has its fundamental laws, which must be obeyed.
The conditions upon which its joys and advantages are realized may be learned beforehand, and should not be entered in blindness, but in the light of a perfect knowledge of its rules and regulations, its promises, conditions, laws and privileges, so that no uncertainty shall follow a knowledge of its reality. Some are disappointed in marriage because they expect too much from it. Their imagination has pictured a condition of things never experienced on this side of heaven. With the marriage ceremony you enter a new world, if you enter understandingly, and live as becomes thoughtful, considerate human beings, each trying to bear with the other’s infirmities, and to consider the other’s happiness as paramount to their own. Marriage then becomes a delightful scene of domestic happiness, to which all true men and women look forward as the condition of life most consonant to their true happiness.
SELECTION OF A HUSBAND.
To the young woman who is just about to determine her start in life, we would say: Give up your whole mind to this problem of finding a husband whom you can love, and who can love you. It is worthy of your utmost effort. Remember that in selecting the father of your child the qualities which will show in the little one have no relation to his accomplishments, and that even the homeliest features may become beautiful, shining with the light of his noble qualities.
The profession of motherhood stands ready to give you every repayment if you will but devote to fitting yourself for its duties the same patient effort you would give to the study of any science, or the same energy you would throw into social duties.
Unlike social distinction, it will not be disappointing; but as the years go by, loving children will stand ready to enthrone you in their hearts and gratefully recognize your every effort in their behalf.
_First_--Give perfect truth and exact it.
_Second_--Use every endeavor to eradicate your own faults, and gently, patiently and lovingly help your companion to do the same.
_Third_--Do not expect too much from either yourself or your mate. Be humble, with a clear understanding of your own limitations; but be firm in the determination that with each day you will climb together to a higher level.
_Fourth_--Do not be discouraged at slow progress. Do not doubt that in the end you will be repaid for all effort. So also do not doubt that if you are careless, selfish or deceitful you will be planting seeds for eventual catastrophe.
WHAT PLEASES MEN AND WOMEN.
THE WOMAN.
It pleases her to be told that she is fascinating; to be called well dressed; to be called sensible; to depend on some man and pretend that she is ruling him; to be told that she improves man by her companionship; to be treated courteously and with respect, and to be talked to reasonably.
It pleases her to be treated sensibly and honestly; to be considered and questioned, and not treated as a butterfly with no head or heart. It pleases her to be loved and admired by a man who is strong enough to subdue her and make _his_ way her way; to lead her and take care of her; and it pleases her to find happiness in being ruled by an intellect that she can look up to admiringly, and one to whom her mind bows in reverence.
THE MAN.
It pleases the man to have a woman love him; to have her lead him in the way he wants to go; to have her sometimes treat him as a great big baby, to be cared for, petted and caressed; also to have her think him great, and good, and true, and favor him with her attentions accordingly. It pleases him to have a woman’s bright eyes expressing the approbation, approval and admiration the lips do not speak.
It pleases him to have her hand smooth away the careworn expression and wrinkles from his brow, and to have her strength to help him over the weak places in life. It pleases a worthy man who tries to be good to have a sweet woman lead him in the way called beautiful. A woman can sink a man to the depths of misery or help him to the zenith of happiness; her smile inspires him.
MOODY’S EULOGY ON WOMEN.
“I think that the Almighty intended the work of woman in this world should be, above all, the rearing of a family. He gave into her keeping the souls and characters of the young, to make or mar. And surely there is no nobler or more responsible work than this. From the home--the domain of woman--spring most of the highest impulses of humanity. And to fit woman for her great work the Creator made her of a finer cast than man; there is nothing on earth so noble, so pure, so exalted, so near the ideal of character, as a woman. Woman can rise higher than man, but she can likewise sink lower. The very height which she can attain seems to make her fall the greater when she does fall. There is great strength and great weakness in woman’s character; and it is a vital duty of men, whose greater evenness of temperament gives them greater self-control, and consequently a commanding position, to do everything in their power to enable the woman to be true to her higher nature.
“I believe that, other things being equal, the happiest woman is the woman who is a mother and the maker of a home; but if she cannot fulfil her true destiny, if she must enter the business world, she should be given the greatest consideration, simply because she is a woman. I have heard women say that they ask for nothing on the ground of sex. Perhaps they don’t, but personally I cannot forget their sex. Even in a purely business matter, my attitude and manner toward them are not just what they would be toward men.”--_Dwight L. Moody._
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“God has made the mind of woman the complement to the mind of man.
“When properly coupled they are a source of strength to each other. As steel and flint strike fire, so the brightest wit and best thought spring from the intellectual union of man and wife. Beginning as a stimulus to research and higher endeavor, each learns to know the mind of the other. A glance often reads thought without the spoken word.”
A MOTHER’S SMILE.
Though a mother may seem void of beauty, Her tongue have no art to beguile, To her children there’s nothing so lovely As her face when bright with a smile.
When they wake from the slumbers of childhood, And gaze on the world, half afraid, If they see mother’s face bending o’er them, Their swift-starting fears are allayed.
To their fingers her cheek is the softest, Though care may have hardened its lines, And their bruises are healed by her kisses, From lips on which age has its signs.
She’s a comrade to share in their pastimes, A refuge if dangers betide, There is always a comfort in troubles, A haven of peace at her side.
Oh, ye mothers, smile oft on your children, For blest is the woman whose face, Once impressed on these hearts in their childhood, Nor distance nor time can efface.
And more happy the man or the woman, Immersed in the world’s snare and wile, Who bears upon memory’s tablets The thought of a mother’s fond smile.
A LOW VOICE IN WOMAN.
Yes, we agree with that old poet, who said that a low, soft voice was an excellent thing in woman. Indeed, we feel inclined to go much farther than he has on the subject, and call it one of her crowning charms. How often the spell of beauty is rudely broken by coarse, loud talking! How often you are irresistibly drawn to a plain, unassuming woman, whose soft, silvery tones render her positively attractive. In the social circle, how pleasant it is to hear a woman talk in that low key which always characterizes the true lady. In the sanctuary of home how such a voice soothes the fretful child and cheers the weary husband.
CONNUBIALITIES.
It is the hardest thing in love to feign it where it is not, or hide it where it is; but it is easier counterfeited than concealed. The face of her we love is the fairest of sights, and her voice the sweetest harmony in the world. A man is more reserved in his friend’s concerns than in his own; a woman, on the contrary, keeps her own concerns better than another’s. A woman will think herself slighted if she is not courted, yet pretends to know herself too well to believe your flattery. Absence is to love what fasting is to the body; a little stimulates it, but a long abstinence is fatal. The greatest pleasure of life is love; the greatest treasure, contentment; the greatest possession, health; the greatest ease is sleep; and the greatest medicine, a true friend.
LOVE.
“It helps us to bear with the trouble, It helps us to stand in the strife, It brightens the skies for the sorrowing eyes, And lightens the burdens of life.
“It makes the rose bloom in the desert, And brings down the dew on the sod; The tempest may beat, but the pathway is sweet With the roses and lilies of God.”
YOU KISSED ME.
“My forehead drooped low on your breast, With a feeling of shelter and infinite rest, While the holy emotion my tongue dared not speak Flashed up like a flame from my heart to my cheek.
“Your arms held me fast--Oh! your arms were so bold-- Heart beat against heart in that passionate fold. Your glances seemed drawing my soul through my eyes, As the sun draws the mist from the sea to the skies.
“You kissed me! My heart and my breath and my will, In delicious joy, for the moment, stood still. Life had for me then no temptations, no charms, No vision of pleasure outside of your arms.”
THE MARRIAGE QUESTION.
“Thousands marry and the majority of them live together all their lives. But I think that not more than one couple in ten love each other, continuously, during that time.
“As soon as they have taken the marriage vows they feel an ownership of each other, feel that they are bound so that they cannot get away, and so grow careless about each other’s comforts and pleasures, until, before they realize it, love has flown, and then it depends upon the dispositions of the two whether it is a cat-and-dog life or one of friendship and companionship without love. Remember this: It is nature to love, and if you do not retain the love of your husband or wife, some one else is liable to do so.
“For a while you may bind a person to you by marriage vows, but love can only be bound by love, and it takes the same devotion, the same love after it is won that it takes to win it in the first place.”--_Goe Van Hise_, Glendale, Cal.
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Many boys and girls enter matrimony before they are old enough to realize the responsibility they assume, and they frequently fill their lives with bitterness by acting so rashly. Wait till you are old enough to exercise judgment in the choice of your companion; then choose wisely, and enthrone the goddess of Love upon a heart stamped with eternal fidelity, and be your home a palace or a cottage, it will indeed be a “sweet, sweet home.”
THE AGES OF LOVE.
The Outlook, in the Thorwaldsen Gallery, Copenhagen.
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Friend--It reminds me forcibly of the time when “they were both naked and were not ashamed.” Indeed, it gave me a new comprehension of the meaning of that text.
Guide--Which of all Thorwaldsen’s works did you like the best?
Philosopher--How is it possible to tell? There were at least a dozen best.
Friend--The “Ages of Love,” because it suggested a sermon to me which I am going to preach some time.
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The “Ages of Love” is a bas-relief consisting essentially of six figures, though so combined as to make, as it were, one tableau. In the first, a covered basket contains a number of imprisoned Cupids, and a child is curiously lifting a corner of the cover to look in and learn what love is like. In the second an attendant female figure--Venus?--has taken a Cupid out of the basket, and a maiden is eagerly and imploringly reaching out both hands to receive it. In the third her prayer has been granted, and the woman clasps the Cupid to her breast. In the fourth the woman is still holding Cupid, but carelessly by the wings, her mind evidently on other things intent. In the fifth a man sits looking upon the ground, while Cupid sits perched upon his back, and he knows not why he is there. In the sixth Cupid has taken his flight and is just beyond the reach of an old man, who stretches out his hands in vain to recover the fugitive.
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Guide--And pray, parson, what would your sermon be?
Friend--Just Thorwaldsen’s sermon; nothing more. It would be in five subdivisions. First: Childhood inquiring into love. It is right to inquire. The father and mother should answer the inquiry and not leave the child to learn of this most sacred mystery of life from profane lips. Second: Maidenhood seeking love. She is right to seek it. It is idle to sing, “Love not, love not! the thing you love will die.” Love is “the greatest thing in the world,” above all others best worth seeking. Third: Motherhood possessing. Love is wealth indeed, and the only wealth worth having. The poorest is rich if he have love, and the richest is poor if he have it not. Fourth: Manhood forgetting love. Alas, that so many of us no sooner possess love than we forget it, and are indifferent to it, and put it aside. Love, the most valuable of all knowledge, has been bestowed on us, and we forget it; the most sacred of all possessions has been given us, and we turn our backs upon it. Ambition usurps love’s crown, and the true king is forgotten. And thus, fifth, and last of all: Love, forgotten, flies away, and the unloved old man looks longingly about for some one to love him, and there is none, and he drops into his grave unloved and not missed. It is the tragedy of life: youth inquiring; maidenhood seeking; motherhood possessing; manhood forgetting; old age losing.
Guide--When you preach that sermon, give us notice and we will come to hear it.
Friend--Better, instead, buy a photograph of Thorwaldsen’s bas-relief and study that. The sermon is all there--and more is there besides.
WHICH ONE?
One of us, dear, with grief untold, Must the other’s death with pain behold, Must stand with hand in living hold Of stiffened fingers growing cold. Dearest, which one?
One of us, dear, bereft of cheer, Must pause beside a flower-strewn bier, Must kneel alone and drop a tear Upon a form to heart so dear. Dearest, which one?
One of us, dear, with heart like lead, Must stand beside a narrow bed, Must hear the sod fall on the dead With anguished breath and nameless dread. Dearest, which one?
One of us, dear, with stifled moan, Must henceforth walk the world alone; Must ever yearn for a tender tone, Heard only around the Great White Throne. Dearest, which one?
KIND WORDS.
Kind words may prove pearls of the highest price; soften and turn away wrath; make friendship out of enmity, and build a monument of good that the storms of time cannot destroy. Cherish them, dear boys and girls. A kind heart full of love and sympathy and loving words, will spring to your lips to bless, to help and to comfort all around you. “That which the fountain sends forth returns again to the fountain.”
Better to hope, though the clouds hang low, And to keep the eyes still lifted, For the still blue sky will still peep through When the ominous clouds are rifted.
There was never a night without a day, Or an evening without a morning; And the darkest hour, as the proverb goes, “Is the hour before the dawning.”
A life of real virtue, of nobleness, of true greatness, is not an accident. It comes, if it comes at all, from lofty aspirations, from incorruptible motives, long cherished, and held sacred as life.
SIN.
“Sin is the most expensive thing possible. It wastes money. It wears the body into decay. But, bad as these things are, there are even worse behind, for it blights the intellect and withers the moral nature of man. It weakens the will; it blunts the conscience; it hardens the heart. It dries up all the finer feelings of the soul, so that ultimately all regard for truth and holiness and purity is gone. But worse yet, sin is an enslaving thing. It becomes the master of the man who indulges in it and sets him to do the hardest drudgery. It hires him out, as it were, to feed swine, leaving him to feed along with them. That which was at first a joy becomes in the end a bondage. That which was first a pleasant companion becomes at length a cruel task-master, which compels him to make bricks without straw, and sometimes even without clay.”--_Dr. W. M. Taylor._
Let not sin, therefore, reign in your M-O-R-T-A-L body.--Rom. vi. 12.
A HYMN.
“O, help me, Lord, by grace to win The victory o’er this world of sin, For I am weak when left alone, I have no strength to call my own.
“O! lead me by Thy gentle hand, Across this desert’s burning sand, And when I’m weary let me rest My aching head upon Thy breast.
“Direct my mind to things divine, And keep my thoughts as pure as Thine; Oh, let no wicked thoughts come in. Let nothing cause my soul to sin.
“Upon Thy bosom let me lean And keep my words so pure and clean That angels hearing would not blush, Nor heaven’s cry my voice to hush.
“REFRAIN.
“O, help me, Lord, by grace to win The victory o’er this world of sin, And o’er the billows safely guide Me to life’s port on the other side.”
JOHN W. GRIGGS, Upshaw, Ala. Jan. 26, 1903.
THE SCULPTOR’S DREAM.
“Chisel in hand stood a sculptor boy, With his marble block before him, And his face lit up with a smile of joy, As an angel dream passed o’er him. He carved the dream on that shapeless stone, With many a sharp incision; With heaven’s own light the sculptor shone-- He had caught the angel-vision.
“Sculptors of life are we, as we stand, With our soul uncarved before us, Waiting the hour, when at God’s command, Our life-dream passes o’er us. If we carve it then on the yielding stone, With many a sharp incision, Its heavenly beauty shall be our own-- Our lives that angel-vision.”
BISHOP G. W. DOANE.
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.
“If you have a gray-haired mother In the old home far away, Sit down and write the letter You put off day by day. Don’t wait until her tired steps Reach heaven’s pearly gate-- But show her that you think of her Before it is too late.
“If you’ve a tender message Or a loving word to say, Don’t wait till you forget it, But whisper it to-day. Who knows what bitter memories May haunt you if you wait?-- So make your loved ones happy Before it is too late.
“We live but in the present, The future is unknown-- To-morrow is a mystery, To-day is all our own. The chance that fortune lends to us May vanish while we wait, So spend your life’s rich treasure Before it is too late.
“The tender words unspoken, The letter never sent, The long-forgotten messages, The wealth of love unspent. For these some hearts are breaking, For these some loved ones wait-- So show them that you care for them Before it is too late.”
HOW TO TALK TO MEN.
There are many young girls who complain that they do not know how to talk to men. They have probably been brought up almost exclusively among their own sex, and, therefore, look upon men very much as upon beings of another world, and when they find themselves in masculine society they are at a loss to know how to make themselves agreeable, and what to talk about. Their task would be lightened if they realized that men are, after all, very nearly akin to themselves, and that they have very much the same ideas, feelings and sentiments. The failure to recognize this fact generally earns them the character among their male acquaintances for unamiability or pride; seldom, indeed, are they credited with the timidity of ignorance. The girl who generally is acceptable with men is without self-consciousness, and talks to a man much in the same style as she would to a girl friend.
She is not always thinking of herself and the impression she creates, but she is kind and sympathetic, and she interests herself in him and his affairs, and lets him feel it; always, however, taking care to avoid excess in this respect. When talking with him she shows interest in the matter under discussion, but, while holding to her own opinions, she takes care not to assert them with too great eagerness.
No man was ever really influenced by a self-assertive, dogmatic woman, and the woman who wishes to have men friends must remember that the secret of both her power and her popularity lies in her gentleness, sweetness and good temper. She must be cheery, too, and ready with her smiles; but that is quite another thing, be it remembered, from the senseless giggling which some girls seem to fancy is particularly charming to the other sex.
ABOUT ATTRACTING HUSBANDS.
Men have, since the world began, been angled for deliberately by girls, and times out of count have been caught.
Girls will continue to fish for husbands, and will continue to catch them as long as marriage is a fashion--a state likely to coincide with the length of time the world lasts.
But for all that, it need not be asserted, as it so often is, that all girls angle. Why should the word be used, moreover, with such bitterness? Surely it is not wrong of girls to behave charmingly and make themselves look attractive and pretty, and especially so in the eyes of those men for whose good opinion they are most anxious? If they were to wear sackcloth and go about veritable kill-joys, is it likely that they would succeed in winning what they want?
It is said that love is never evenly distributed, and that in every engaged couple there is more love on one side than on the other. Women fall in love with the opposite sex just as often as the opposite sex does with them. What is to happen if a girl sees a man she believes she could fondly love, and whom she is sure would fondly love her, if she is debarred from angling for him?
A girl may not propose to a man. She may not put to him the anxious question, “Do you love me?” From her lips it would be unpardonable were the tender pleading, “Will you marry me?” to proceed. But she sees one whom she has good reason to think she could wed and be happy with, and the sole step she can rightly take to bring about a declaration of love from him is just this: She can make herself so pleasant and fascinating that he falls in love with her, and asks her that sweet question she has so deeply longed to hear from him.
The feminine angler should be very cautious. Let her declare her purpose--should it be only by a startled word--and a hundred eyes will dart scorn at her, a hundred tongues condemn her. She who is wise, however, is careful--both for the sake of the man she loves and her own reputation--that the little wiles she practices shall appeal only to him, and shall not be observable by those onlookers who are popularly supposed to see most of the game. Women are undoubtedly endowed with a special measure of instinct, and are therefore able to accomplish wonders, apparently never planned or premeditated. Woe be it to the swain who does not want to fall in love, should some fair daughter of Eve will that he shall!
There is this to console him, however: that the said daughter of Eve, should she be discreet and diplomatic, will so work matters that the happy man will never guess that he has been singled out for preference. He will take the bait and greedily swallow it, all the time under the impression that he was the angler, and that it was only after the greatest struggle that he managed to land his prize.
He will be as proud of his achievement as he can be--that is to say, if the girl who has caught him has been very canny during her maneuvers. She need not be deceitful, nor forward, nor unwomanly, nor any of the other plain-spoken and objectionable epithets applied to the feminine angler.
As has been pointed out, she need merely be a tactful, purposeful, clever girl, one who, knowing her own powers to charm, exercises them for the most valuable end and aim life offers--that of forming a home in which two persons may be happy, and from which they may radiate a sufficiency of joy to make the world about it more contented and felicitous than it was before.
Do marriages arranged as an outcome of the angling principle turn out well? Does the fascinating little woman whose bright eyes, pretty ways and dainty dress won her a husband, having secured what she desired, make for the man whose helpmeet she has elected to be a good wife? If she does, a dozen to one he will never find out that he was caught; or if she in some sweet moment should divulge to him the secret, and tell him in whispers and with shy kisses, how she did her best to draw him to her, he will, with further kisses, solemnly declare unto her his delight and gratitude that she so thoughtfully and cleverly made things easy for a blundering idiot like himself.
On the contrary, should she abandon every effort to please directly or soon after the golden circlet is firmly on her finger, how rapidly will his eyes be opened to all the crude and ugly scheming she employed to secure him! How bitterly will he rue the weak moment in which he succumbed to her blandishments. Then will the memory of her charming little speeches and sweet little ways be dust and ashes to him. He will cease to believe in women, taught by his captor to distrust the sex for her sake.
There is all the difference in the world between the girl who angles honestly, so that a happy union may be had with the man she loves, and the girl who angles simply for the achievement of some tribute to her vanity--a wealthy husband, a husband with more money than her friend’s husband possesses, or a husband who will give her a title and position.
There are few women so purely calculating that, once having achieved their object, they can deliberately show themselves in their true colors. Captious, irritable, ill-tempered, untidy--all these distressing characteristics they may reveal to their miserable husbands later, but for the first few weeks of marriage they rarely unmask. It is when the home is settled into, and the regular routine of existence begins, that the test is fairly made.
The admirable angler now shows herself in her true colors. She means to be a good housekeeper, so she studies her husband’s likes and dislikes, and incontestably, though silently, demonstrates to him that since he hates bacon he shall not have it every morning. Above all, she reflects, and recollects, and realizes that what he loved her for in those very early days, when first she taught him to grow fond of her, were her pretty ways. And who shall say, with so glorious a result as this winning woman shall achieve, that she was wrong in her girlhood to be an angler?
If there were more of them! But there are more than is imagined. Only it is the happy country that has no history, and the successful angler that has no historian.
DUTIES OF AN ENGAGED GIRL.
An engaged girl should endeavor to be both a comfort and a help to her lover; not merely a pet and plaything. It is a very bad augury for the future when a man instinctively feels that a wax doll would be of as much use to his worries as she whom he intends making his helpmeet for life. And yet, only the other day, a gentleman was heard to exclaim: “No, no; I would not trouble Lily for the world; why, she is only made for the sunshine and the flowers.”
Again, it is the engaged girl’s duty to be open and candid in all her relations with her lover. The seeds of much future distrust and unhappiness are sown if once he suspects she is keeping a secret from him. It is also her duty to be considerate of his wishes, and if he have a harmless antipathy to any little thing or other, let her humor him in this. No doubt she also has some little “fads” which require consideration.
For instance, that girl was wise who ceased adopting “mannish” ways because her sweetheart disapproved. By doing so she only rendered herself more charming than ever in his eyes. To be punctual is another of the engaged girl’s duties. She has no more business to keep her lover waiting than he has to keep her waiting. Tardiness is not a sign of maidenly indifference, as some damsels seem to think. It is merely an indication of bad manners. Of course, it is her bounden duty to be engaged openly. Her lover should be known to her parents, and, where practicable, should visit her at her own house. In conclusion, I will mention the last and most important duty of all, and that is that she should love her lover with her whole heart, mind and strength. If she does not perform this office thoroughly and well, the others might just as easily be left alone.
PREMATURE MATRIMONY.
Marriage is a divine and beautiful arrangement, as designed in God’s providence. It is the blending of two spirits in one. Man is incomplete without his wife: he has strength, she has beauty. “It is not good that man should be alone.” “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing.”
“Of all the joys that man can feel, The purest sure are there. While o’er his heart affections steal, Like balmy summer air; His wife’s caress, his children’s smile, Unlike the world are free from guile.”
Premature marriages are among the greatest evils of the times--the result of fancy. The ballroom or evening party never develops real character. Matches made at such places, or made under similar circumstances, are not of the class that originate in heaven. They more generally are conceived in the opposite place, and bring forth only iniquity.
The true way to study and learn one another is to do it at home, in the parlor, in the kitchen, and on occasions that test the temper. We see the result of premature unions in the almost daily divorces that are taking place; in the running away of husbands--leaving their wives and children to starve--and in the elopement of wives. Not only this, but we witness it in broken-spirited men, made old in the prime of life, struggling on for mere food, clothing, and mere shelter; and in woman, cross, sluttish and wrinkled. And the result does not stop with the husband and wife. There are the children; they partake of the feebleness and vices of the parents, both physical and moral, and go out into the world stunted and gnarled. Young friends, _beware_!
“O lasses take care where fancy lights, This world’s full of snares: The end of frolicsome fancy’s flights Is oft a nest of cares.”
A judicious writer, alluding to the matrimonial state, says: “There is not a city, scarcely a township, which does not number among its inhabitants women who have married on very short acquaintance, only to be abused, deserted, and left a burden and a lifelong sorrow to the families in which they were born and reared, and which they most imprudently and improperly deserted to share the fortunes of relative strangers.”
If young ladies would realize how grossly indelicate, as well as culpably reckless, such marriages appear in the eyes of the observing, they surely would forbear. A year’s thorough acquaintance, with the most circumstantial accounts, from disinterested and reliable witnesses, of the antecedents from childhood, are the very least guarantee which any woman who realizes what marriage is, will require of a stranger.
Even then, if her parents are not fully satisfied, as well as herself, she should still hesitate. Marriage is an undertaking in which no delay can be so hazardous as undue precipitation.
“A prudent man foreseeth the evil and hideth himself; but the simple pass on and are punished.”--_Solomon._
In how many instances, of the present day, is marriage merely a union of hands--the affection not being taken into consideration. The question on the one side, “Is she handsome? has she money?” on the other, “Can he support me in style? shall I be able to make an appearance?” How much better would it be to ask, “Has the woman a heart capable of pure affection?” “Will she be willing to share with me adversity as well as prosperity?” “Will she forsake all others and cleave only to me through weal and woe?”
And woman, yes, woman, she whose very nature ought to stimulate her to higher and holier motives for taking upon herself the marriage relation, is too often anxious only as to the length of her husband’s purse, and the amount of his bank stock; the heart, the mind, the intellect, in fact everything really worth marrying for, being non-essentials.
But, oh, the misery which too often follows such marriages! The husband, when it is too late, laments his blindness and his folly. The wife is made to realize that riches take to themselves wings and fly away; and then comes the consciousness of a want of sympathy and congeniality of feelings. Both are thrown back upon themselves, for not a chord in the breast of one vibrates in unison with the other.
Let the young beware how they enter the marriage state from such motives, lest they wake too late from the delusion. Consult the judgment, and hesitate when that says “Beware.” Let the property be _in_ rather than _with_ the companion.
Oh, the loneliness of an unwedded heart! The hands may be united, but to feel that in heart you are separated must be misery indeed. To think of being obliged to associate for life with one who has not a feeling of sympathy with you, and who is, moreover, in sentiment, taste and feeling directly opposed to you--how revolting the thought! Then, let love, not ambition, lead you to form those ties that naught but death can honorably sever.
Weigh well the consequences of one wrong or hasty step in the choice of a companion for life. Walk softly here, lest you fall, to rise no more. Seek wisdom from above. “In all thy ways acknowledge the Lord, and He shall direct thy paths.” “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” at all times, and you are safe.
“Oh, happy state! when souls each other draw; When love is liberty and nature’s law; All then is full, possessing and possessed, No craving void left aching in the breast; E’en thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part, And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.”
THE GIFT OF GIFTS--A WORD TO HUSBANDS.
Husband, have you this gift of gifts? Has God in superabounding mercy given you a dear wife, lovely, virtuous, prudent, sensible, intelligent, and above all a God-fearing wife, meek, modest, humble, Christlike?--“an helpmeet” in very deed? Well, what do you think of it? Do you appreciate the blessing duly?--make suitable returns? _Can_ you do it? Such a gift is unspeakable. How few, comparatively, appreciate the gift of a good wife?
A very godly man said to us recently, “I thank the Lord daily, hourly, for the jewel of a wife God hath given me.” A distinguished writer--speaking of the value of a good wife--remarks thus: “In the true wife the husband finds not affection only, but companionship--a companionship with which no other can compare. The family relation gives retirement without solitude, and society without the rough intrusion of the world. It plants in the husband’s dwelling a friend who can listen to the details of his interests with sympathy, who can appreciate his repetition of events, only important as they are embalmed in the heart. Common friends are linked to us by a slender thread. We must retain them by ministering, in some way, to their interest or their enjoyment. What a luxury it is for a man to feel that in his house there is a true and affectionate being, in whose presence he may throw off restraint without danger to his dignity; he may confide without the fear of treachery, and be sick or unfortunate without being abandoned. If in the outward world he grow weary of human selfishness, his heart can safely trust in one whose soul yearns for his happiness, and whose indulgence overlooks his defects.”
Give your wives to understand that you esteem them above all others; make them your confidants; confide in them and they will confide in you; confidence begets confidence, love begets love, sweetness begets sweetness.
Above all, sympathize with the wives of your bosoms in the hour of affliction. Rejoice with them when they rejoice, and weep with them when they weep. Who, if not a bosom companion, will wipe from the cheek the falling tear of sorrow? Finally, husbands, remember that death will soon sever the connubial cord! When you behold her, with whom you lived, and toiled, and wept, and rejoiced, cold and lifeless, laid in the coffin--
“Think of the happiness so deep and tender That filled thy heart when wandering by her side, Think how her faintest smile had power to render The darkest moment one of love and pride.
“And now that this frail form in death grows colder, A sweet, calm rapture fills the parting hour, That thou art with her, though a sad beholder, A witness of the dear Redeemer’s power!”
Will you _then_ regret that you studied _always_ to promote her happiness? that the law of kindness and love dwelt on your lips _evermore_? O think, and be _now_ her ministering angel!
“A prudent wife is from the Lord,” _directly_; to God be all the praise.
THE GOOD WIFE.
Jeremy Taylor says, “If you are for pleasure, marry; if you prize rosy health, marry; and if money is your object, marry. A good wife is heaven’s best gift to man--his angel and minister of graces innumerable--his gem of many virtues--his casket of jewels--her voice, his sweetest music--her smiles, his brightest day--her kiss, the guardian of his innocence--her arms, the pale of his safety, the balm of his health, the balsam of his life--her industry, his surest wealth--her economy, his safest steward--her lips his faithful counselors--her bosom, the safest pillow of his cares--and her prayers the ablest advocates of heaven’s blessings on his head.”
WOMAN.
“She ne’er with treacherous kiss her Saviour stung, Nor e’er denied Him with unholy tongue; She, when apostles shrank, could danger brave; Last at His cross and earliest at His grave.”
* * * * *
“To think of summers yet to come, That I am not to see; To think a weed is yet to bloom From dust that I shall be!
“To think when heaven and earth are fled, And times and seasons o’er, When all that can die shall be dead, That I must die no more!
“Ah! where will then my portion be? How shall I spend eternity!”
* * * * *
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Transcriber’s Notes:
“A Young Widow” is a pen name of Irene W. Hartt.
Punctuation has been made consistent.
Variations in spelling and hyphenation were retained as they appear in the original publication, except that obvious typographical errors have been corrected.
The following change was made:
p. 7: illegible first letter assumed to be y (with yearning only,)
p. 63: her inserted (as her parents)
Ad for “FORTUNE-TELLING BY CARDS, DICE, and CRYSTAL”: The address is missing at the end of the ad after the “Address” label.