CHAPTER VI. A WORD OF WARNING.

The greatest mistake a girl can make is to allow familiarities from men. A girl must be circumspect in her conduct. She must be self-respecting. Having a proper self-respect and being a prude are two different things. A man never likes a prude. He never, in his heart, cares for one who has no self-respect. A man, of a certain class, will pay her attention and take advantage of the liberties she allows, but he never marries her.

You are not safe if you allow the least digression from the right path. A slip once made can never be recalled, and the second follows very easily on the first. Then comes the third, and so on, till ruin is the end for you--not for him.

It is a girl’s own fault if she fall. It is her place to guard her honor.

You will meet many a man who is lover-like and fascinating, but if he says nothing about marriage, leave him alone. You do not want to hear of love, if that is all he has to say. Never mind if you do love him. If he loves you and finds he cannot possess you otherwise, he will want to marry you.

Beware of the beginning. Be careful of your conversation. Never smile at a joke with a double meaning. Meet it with silence. Do not pretend you do not understand if you do: there are men who would take pleasure in enlightening you. There are times when it is well to show that you do not approve of it; you may even have to rebuke it. Thereafter avoid that man. If he cares to continue your friendship, he will know how he must behave himself.

Never let a young man repeat a story to you that he would not repeat if your mother were present. A man who would do that, means no good to you. An old and excellent rule is, never talk about anything to a man you would not talk about before a third party; and never talk to a girl as you would not talk if a man were present. Never say anything to either which you would not repeat to your mother. A well-known writer has lately said: “It is always a mistake for a young girl to talk to a man as if she were _blasé_ and widely experienced in all human emotions, frailties, and faults. Many inexperienced, innocent girls adopt this manner, thinking it will render them fascinating in the eyes of men. Men take us for what we seem, not for what we are. The most hardened _mondaine_ who wears a mask of frank innocence fares better with them than the good, sweet-hearted girl who puts on _blasé_ airs and pretends to be a little wicked.”

Let your heart be pure. Keep your lips pure. God can make and keep them so. He can take away all interest in sin.

Never make an appointment with a young man of which you cannot tell your mother. When a young man urges you to deceive your mother, he means to deceive you. Your mother is your best friend; make her your confidante in all things, then you will never go astray. On the first approach of familiarities, consult her and be guided by her advice.

Men do not have to be told: they know what girl they may approach familiarly and what one they must treat with respect. You may be sure there is something wrong in your conduct if you are approached as you do not wish to be.

Be careful not to call a man by his first name unless he is a relative. A well-bred lady will not even address a man thus whom she has known in her childhood. Do not allow a man to call you by your first name. You can easily show by your manner that it is distasteful to you. Check even the liberty of your Christian name with the prefix Miss. Although you may have an older sister, you have a right to your father’s name. If you cannot be Miss Jones, you can be Miss Mary Jones.

When you are out walking with a gentleman, do not allow him to grasp your elbow. Some men do this instead of offering the arm. He is ill-bred if he attempts it. It is too familiar altogether, and is becoming too common. A polished gentleman will not do it. He will offer his arm.

Beware of allowing a caress from a man to whom you are not engaged. Stifle in the beginning any attempt to do so. Do not so much as allow him to hold your hand. No matter if you do like him, and if his warm grasp does send the happy blood to your heart, it is a happiness you have no right to--neither has he, until he has spoken. Sometimes these things, small as they seem, are but the first step on the broad path that leads to destruction. Perhaps you like as much to feel that strong arm about you as he does to put it there. It is in his power to make it right to do so; it is not in yours, so refuse it. Believe me, you will gain nothing by it, and may lose all. If a man finds he cannot embrace you unengaged, he will take steps to be engaged to you if he loves you.

Poor child! You allow it because you love him. It may be anything but love for you and your good that prompts his action. A man rarely binds himself to a girl who allows his caresses without it. Another thing, while you are treasuring up this caress as a closely-guarded secret, he is doubtlessly telling his comrades what liberties be can take with you. That is too true. The indiscretions which a girl will hide, he will boast of--it is a man’s nature. He judges you by himself, too. He knows that he kisses other girls when he can get a chance, and he supposes that you allow other men’s caresses. A man cares more for the caress than for the girl. When he is not genuinely in love, one girl will do almost as well as another. He supposes it is the same with you. He argues that if you are cheap to him, you will be cheap to other men.

“Never speak of love till your lover speaks of marriage,” is a good old rule. Men do not talk much about marriage to a girl who will profess her love before he asks her to be his wife.

Be careful to whom you give your photograph. Like figures, they cannot lie. If you have given it, you cannot deny doing so: it is there, a fact, in the young man’s possession--he may show it to whom he pleases. He generally pleases to show it to all his male friends. It is another thing which cheapens you. Your picture is one of a collection he has of girls. Maybe for a while, when exhibiting his gallery of beauties, he may call you his best girl. He does it all lightly, and as the young men look over the collection, they will make remarks about you all which, if you heard them, would make you blush. If a girl has no more respect for herself than to give a picture to every man who asks for it, you must not expect men to respect her. It is no sign a man loves you because he asks for your picture. If he does, let him ask for you first. He more likely wants to enlarge his collection of photographs. If you went into his room, you would see it stuck up in his mirror with a dozen or so of others.

It is a mistake to imagine that an engagement breaks down all barriers. Engagements are so frequently broken. Instead of being almost as sacred as marriage, they are held lightly. You must continue after your engagement to be careful of your conduct and not to allow any undue liberties. Do not let your lover’s caresses be too frequent or passionate. Some young people act as if they only become engaged so they might kiss each other--they spend all their time at it when they are alone. Some of these things are sweeter if they are waited for. Couples who are parted during their engagement generally are the most happy when they are married. They have not exhausted their affection; instead of its being an old story, it is fresh.

If it were worth the while, I would advise you not to sit on a man’s lap till you were his wife. It is quite customary with lovers, I know; but it seems to me to be letting down bars which should be left up. Engagements are so easily broken that there should be stricter lines drawn. Surely no true woman who has entered upon her second engagement wants to remember how she sat on the lap of the first betrothed. While there is no harm in so doing, you will be on the safe side not to.

It is wrong to take money from your betrothed. If you live on dry crusts and work till you drop, refuse it. Be married in calico rather than have his money buy your wedding-dress. Sometimes girls will urge a speedy wedding-day. You have no more right to do that than you have to ask him to marry you--the two go together. If he is too slow and you know of no reason why he should be, he does not care much for you; you had better break the engagement. However, if your heart would break with the engagement, try to make him more anxious to have you all to himself. It is not a girl’s place to be eager for the marriage. If you are self-supporting and want to marry him because you are tired of working, you wrong him. No matter what reason you may have for wishing an early marriage, it is never your right to propose it.

Attentions from a married man are blasting to a girl’s reputation. No matter how fascinating he is, how much you admire him, how much you like his attentions, refuse to accept them. He is desecrating the most sacred ordinance, marriage. He is insulting you and wronging his wife. Eventually he will return to her, leaving you with a tarnished name. His wife will forgive him, and society will forget he went astray; but his wife will never forgive you, and society will never forget it. You will always be spoken of as the girl that was “crazy after him.” It will stand in the way of a marriage for you. Men do not care to marry a girl who has been talked about, or whose name was coupled with a married man’s. You lose everything by it, almost your character. There is no such food for gossip as the attentions of a married man to a girl. They suspect you are not all you ought to be, they have good reason to do so. They may think if you will encourage a man to trample on his marriage vows, you would trample on your own. You are condemned by every one.

Your vanity may lead you to feel a degree of triumph in winning a husband from a wife. It is no triumph, however, to do so. The man who will be so won is in most cases extremely weak and decidedly untrue. It is not that your attractions are superior to hers, it is that he is fickle, and you were the first girl who accepts his unlawful love. Instead of being a triumph, it is a sin. Instead of being a subject for boasting, it is something to be ashamed of. Instead of encouraging him for one moment, flee from him. Instead of looking upon him as your lover, consider him your worst enemy: an enemy who for the selfish indulgence of the time would ruin your whole life. In this world of sin and sorrowful consequences of sin, you cannot be too careful of yourself, your conduct, and your associates. If a man is known by the company he keeps, much more is a girl. Much misery will come from one imprudent, maybe innocent, act. A trifle may sometimes be what starts you on the road to destruction. That road is broad, and very enticing to some; but the end is death. Never drink with a man. The pity of it that this should have to be written down! There is a class of girls who aim to be a little fast. They think they make themselves attractive to men by keeping pace with all their sins. They think men will like them if they have a “good time” with them. They call this a “good time.” It is an unmitigated bad time; a time that will make you and him bad too. You will fail in your object, for you will not attract him. It is a low man who will care for a girl who cares so little for herself.

Instead of drinking with a man, keep him from doing so. Your power over men is very great, girls; it is much greater than you think. You can make him good or bad, if he loves you. If he is only your friend, you can help him withstand temptation and turn him from wrong. Try to exhibit the ideal woman always. Let your character be so elevated that you will raise the man who walks beside you. Be a pure, true girl, and he will be a better, purer man. The very thought of you, as he goes out into a sinful world and meets temptations of which you are ignorant, will be a shield to him. Next to the strength God can give him, will be the remembrance of your goodness and purity. He will, for your sake, abhor things which before had a fascination for him.

Always be wrapt in a cloak of sweet maidenly reserve and dignity. Then no tongue can assail you, no man will dare to offer you any familiarity; the conversation and conduct of men will take a better tone in your society.

Try to make every man you meet, even a passing acquaintance, better. Resolve that you will know no man whom you will not influence decidedly for good. So act that when you look back in after years you can honestly say that you tried to make every man whom you knew well, a Christian. So strive to lead young men to Christ that you will see the fruits of your efforts dotted all along your path of life. Let every man whom you know be able to say, as he looks back, “I have been a better man for knowing her.”

In all your intercourse with men, do everything to ennoble and nothing to lower his character. “Let him see that you are a true woman and a Christian: one whose life is beautiful in its maidenly dignity and attractive loveliness.”