CHAPTER III. THE GIRL WHO WINS.

Being an attractive girl whom all men like is not exactly the same thing as setting about deliberately to win some one man’s heart. It has been said that the girl thinks of matrimony before the man does. He goes on blindly and thoughtlessly until he is so deep in love that he cannot retreat; while from the very start she thinks whether or not she would like to wed him.

It may be that you know some young man whom in a womanly way you would like to win. Let us suppose that in the secret recesses of your heart you have decided that you would like to marry him.

In the first place, you must not fall deeply in love with him. If you fail, you do not want to be broken-hearted; and too, when a girl is really up and down in love, she loses control of herself. She is no longer sure of herself and of her conduct. You must keep cool and calculating. You must admire the man, and feel that at that time he is the only one you could love. Lose just enough of your heart so that, when he is won and asks for your love, you can give it to him.

You must be able to arrange your mode of warfare, and always have perfect possession of yourself. There must be no silly excitement when he is present, and downcast face when he is away. Such a course would surely provoke comment; and your conduct must not be commented upon. No one must be allowed to suspect that you are interested in him. It is not your province in any way to go a-wooing; but you can work wonders in the way of winning the man you want. I have read that a woman may marry whom she will. I almost believe she can. You cannot, however, go about in an open way as a man can. With him the battle is sometimes half won when he makes it known that he wishes marriage. With you it would be all lost.

You must never run after a man. Make yourself so attractive that he will seek you. Then it is all in your own hands. You can keep him beside you. You may have to wait some time for him to come. Be patient. Nothing is ever accomplished without patience. An impatient, nervous anxiety on your part will be likely to spoil everything. Never go where you know he will be and where he does not expect you, if you can avoid doing so. Better, by far, let him miss you where he anticipates seeing you than to see too much of you. His disappointment will show him how much he is interested in you.

Do not hesitate to let him see that you have a modest, maidenly interest in him. Men like that. It must be done in a retiring way as if you did not intend to have him see it, but could not help yourself. While a man will boast of a girl running after him, this little secret of yours, which by his acuteness(!) he has discovered, he will keep sacredly to himself. The very modesty with which you try to veil it will heighten its value in his eyes.

Do not hesitate to let him see by your greeting that he is welcome. I do not mean that you are to be effusive. It is done by your smile, your look, more than by words. Girls make the mistake of greeting a man coolly in fear of appearing forward or of showing a regard. Never be cool to the man you want to win. Ward McAllister says in his “Society as I Have Found It”: “The value of a pleasant manner is impossible to estimate. It is like sunshine; it gladdens. You feel it, and are at once attracted to the person without knowing why.”

Young girls are rarely mistress of these sweet, little, but telling arts. The knowing just how comes later in life. Balzac has said that a woman of thirty is at her most fascinating and dangerous period. The women who have been the most famous for their power over hearts have all been nearer forty than twenty. This seems incredible to you yet in your teens. You now look upon twenty-five as a species of old age. At thirty, you think, as far as men are concerned, a woman is in the sere and yellow leaf; while at forty they are little less than in their dotage. Look out, that while you are counting on your youth to marry you, some of these females in the sere and yellow leaf, or even in their dotage, will carry off the prize, because she knows how and you do not. The fact is, the woman of thirty is still young now-a-days, whatever she was in our grandmothers’ time.

She can win men’s love too. She knows the world so well that she takes men as she finds them, while the girl in her teens does not. The girl aspires too often to make them fit in her narrow mould. Girls are too often narrow in their ideas. In the secret acceptance of a man’s faults, or taking him as you find him, lies a great deal the secret of power over them. You girls are too sure of yourselves, too fixed in your opinions, too certain that you are right and that others are wrong. You are too anxious to set a man right. They have a way of their own of not wanting to be set right. They never want to be corrected. If they are wrong, their ignorance is bliss to them.

Girls have little charity. They are generally hard in their judgments of everything and of everybody. They take delight in showing off what they know, and making a man feel like a fool. A man never allows the same girl to make him feel like a fool twice. Once is enough for any man. He seeks the society of another straightway. Girls are given to display a superiority, and make a man feel small. Again he walks off. A man never falls in love with a girl who makes him feel small. Now the charming girl hides her own opinions--her superiority, and brings out what is best in the man. This is what you must do every time. When you seek to win a man, make him pleased with himself. The better he is pleased with himself the better he will like you. This is not done by bold, outspoken flattery (although a man will swallow larger doses of that than you suppose), but by adroitly showing him his own best side. If you have to touch his tender places, do it with a soft hand that will soothe instead of wound.

A man likes a smart girl. Your smartness or your brilliancy must, however, be kept in the background. You must not use it to dazzle him, but to make him feel that he is brilliant. If he is witty, never try to be more so than he is. If he is highly educated and you are more so, still be willing to be instructed by him. Never aspire to teach him. A man does not want to be set right by a woman.

If he is a talker, so manage that he will do all the talking, if he wishes to, while you are the interested listener. I do not mean that you are to be mum: you are to be so interested that you cannot help sometimes breaking in. All your remarks should be to the point, and so worded that he will be led on until he is even surprised at his own powers of conversation and brilliancy. There is no surer way than this to keep him at your side. If he looks at his watch it will be to see how much longer he can remain with you, not because he wishes to hurry away. When he finally must leave you, he will have so much better an opinion of himself that he will be quite a new man. His thoughts of you will be most flattering. He will not know why. Men rarely analyze their emotions. If they did, it would be worse for us and our little arts. In a certain way they go about blindly.

A man is self-centred. He loves to talk about himself. His vanity is his weak point. If he is no talker, and all other topics fail, lead him to talk about himself. Only one man in a hundred will fail to respond to this bait. He does not know that he is engrossing the conversation in this way: he only knows that you are delightful.

The wonderful charm some girls have for men lies in the interest she shows in him, and the tact with which she makes him think well of himself.

A man will not be snubbed. In novels, especially of the Duchess kind, the abject small creature whom she calls the hero thrives upon it. His love feeds upon snubbing, and grows more intense. He falls in love at first sight, and the worse his charmer treats him the more he loves her. This is not true to life. These books are full of false ideas, and do much harm to the girl who reads them.

It seems almost coarse to advise flattery. Flattery is coarse. You can, however, discover a man’s good qualities, talents, etc., and praise them without limit. Men will swallow large doses of praise without so much as a wink. They do not even know you are praising them; they are only conscious of being pleased. You must be discreet, however, in giving your doses, and above all things avoid getting the name of being a flatterer. You can sometimes give praise with an unsparing hand, but you must be sure of the right occasion. A public man may be praised _ad libitum_. In fact, a man who sings, acts, speaks in public needs it.

The private man wants it too. He gets less of it from the world in general, and your good opinion, delicately expressed, will be all the more acceptable. When you have a field all to yourself, be sure and improve the occasion.

The girl who is affectionate wins. I do not mean to imply that you are to embrace every man you meet or to allow anything of the kind from them. You are to show a certain warmth of feeling. No man likes a cold girl. Ice repels. A friend of mine, whose great attraction was her warmth of manner, mowed down hearts like ten-pins Her greeting always was more than cordial. She gave almost an affectionate grasp of the hand, allowing her hand to lie there a mere shadow of time, while her beaming smile showed her delight at the meeting. There was life and warm blood in the touch of her slender fingers which made many a man’s heart beat quickly for her. She made a man feel that in winning her he would be winning a loving wife, and that is what a man always wants.

Another equally successful girl made the man with whom she was talking feel that he was the only man of much importance in the world; all her interest was in him--just in him. Every look was flattery of the worst kind.

We sometimes say that a girl has an indescribable charm and a way with her that no man can withstand. I think her power is simply that she makes a man think better of himself. She gives him a confidence in himself. She makes him pleased with himself. She shows an interest in his greatest interest, himself. Instead of wounding his vanity, which is almost greater than his heart, she flatters it. Men rarely overlook an insult to the former. A girl who has made a man think less of himself may give that man up on the spot. She is crossed off of his books forever.

There are occasions when you must exercise a good deal of forbearance with a man if you wish to win him. A man is prone to wander. He may be paying attention to some other girl when you most want him. Although it is very annoying, there must be nothing cold in your greeting when he comes to you again. You must not reproach him. You must simply make yourself a great deal more fascinating than she is. You must be more sweet and winning if possible than you were before. Take pains never to speak ill of this possible rival. It is neither Christian-like or lady-like to do so. It is bad taste. The man knows you are jealous. He hates to hear bitter words. It looks very much as if you could and would make bitter remarks to your husband. If you reproach him now for wandering, he may judge truly that your husband will have little liberty. If you are jealous and inclined to make a fuss before there is even any engagement, what will you be like after marriage?

If you would win, cultivate a sweet, gentle, forbearing spirit. Be always gracious. Cultivate a kindly manner. “Be free from arrogance, self-assertion, self-consciousness, considerate of the feelings of others.” Be courteous and kind in manners to every one.