CHAPTER XIV.

MARRIAGE.

Girls and marriage—Young men—The marriage ceremony—Match-making—Betrothal—The bride’s property—Wedding decorations—The nuptials—Wedding supper—Congratulations—Post-nuptial parties—Japanese style of engagement—The advantages of the go-between system—The go-between as the woman’s deputy—The go-between as mediator—Marriage a civil contract in Japan—No honeymoon—The Japanese attitude towards marriage.

Marriage is the turning-point of a woman’s life in Japan in a far greater degree than it is in western countries, for the simple reason that she has as yet few openings for earning an independence. Girls are brought up with a view to marriage and are early taught the duties of wife and mother. They look upon the wedded state as their lot in life and are prepared to enter sooner or later into matrimony. There are not many women who remain single all their lives. Girls of the poorer classes find employment at factories, if they are strong enough; others become waitresses at inns, restaurants, tea-houses, and other places of entertainment, or enter domestic service; but even these find mates in time. Of women in other callings, such as hair-dressers, midwives, and seamstresses, the majority are married or widowed. For girls of the better classes the scope outside of matrimony is narrow indeed. They may teach in elementary schools, or take private pupils, if they have the requisite knowledge, for instruction in needlework, etiquette, flower arrangement, tea-ceremony, or music, or else they can only be dependent on parents or relatives. But as the latter alternative which would be the fate of most girls is irksome, they naturally choose wedlock as the best means of escape from dependency or precarious livelihood. And that they, however homely they may be, succeed in finding husbands is due to the go-between system.

But it is not the girls alone who feel the inevitableness of marriage. Men are also in a like predicament. Bachelorhood has none of the ease and comfort which often attach to it in the West. Life in hotels and lodging-houses is both uncomfortable and insecure; for the doors, being all sliding-doors, cannot be locked, and consequently one is always liable to intrusion at any hour of day or night by other inmates of the house. Flats are, from the very structure of Japanese houses, impracticable. In some houses there are rooms to let; but meals are seldom provided. The only way is to rent a house, but then housekeepers as such are unknown. To leave the house in the care of ordinary servants is both uneconomical and inconvenient, for they are not likely to stint themselves or be thrifty; they would, on the contrary, rather be wasteful so as to be popular with the tradesmen; and far from keeping the house tidy as all Japanese houses need to be, they would not sweep or clean more than they could help. Indeed, from the appearance of the house one can always tell if it has a mistress or other responsible overseer. A bachelor can have a comfortable establishment, it is true, by placing it under the management of a near relative; but a sister would herself wish to marry and would not therefore be its permanent head, while a mother or aunt would prefer to put it under a wife and lead a life of greater ease and leisure. A mother, moreover, would naturally wish to see her grandchildren. Besides, a bachelor in fair circumstances is as a rule so pestered by go-betweens that unless he is resolutely set against marriage, he is often mated before he knows his own mind.

Thus, marriage is looked upon as an inevitable fate by both sexes.

In a country like Japan where ceremony envelops every phase of life, such an important event as a wedding is, as may be expected, governed at every step by strict etiquette, and to celebrate it in proper style one needs to call in a regular professor of etiquette. But though weddings in high society are still perplexing tangles of formalities, the tendency to-day among the middle classes is to strip them as much as possible of unnecessary ceremony. It is, in fact, difficult at the present moment to give the exact procedure which is followed in an ordinary wedding as it is frequently modified by mutual agreement between the parties concerned; but the following may be taken as a fairly accurate description of the usual procedure in these days.

A young man in search of a wife, or oftener his parents, would ask friends to look for a likely girl; or it may be the father of a marriageable girl who asks his friends to find an eligible young man; or a man who thinks a match might be made between two young people of his acquaintance may propose a marriage to their parents. If, in these cases, the parents think a suitable match may be made, they ask a mutual friend to act as the go-between; or in the absence of such a friend, it is almost always possible to find some one who knows the acquaintances of both parties. The go-between must be a married man, as the duties of the office at the wedding devolve more heavily upon the wife than upon the husband. The go-between then brings about a meeting between the proposed lovers. This takes place at a theatre or other place of entertainment, or in temple-grounds, a restaurant, or some public resort, especially where the flowers of the season are in bloom. Both parties, consisting of the young people and their parents or relatives, meet there as if by accident, and the go-between introduces them casually to each other as his friends. Here the would-be lovers have a good look at each other; and if they are mutually pleased, they signify that fact afterwards when the go-between calls at their houses to hear the result of the meeting. But before the final decision is made, the two families make private inquiries through their friends in each other’s neighbourhood, usually of the tradesmen the other deals with, as to its social standing and repute and the life and character of the young man or girl in question. They must be quite sure that the information thus obtained bears out the go-between’s statements; for the go-between so frequently draws too favourable a picture of the standing of the families and the ability and accomplishments of the proposed couple that the expression “the go-between’s fair words” has become synonymous with gross exaggeration. If the families are not satisfied, the match is broken off; but if they are pleased with each other, the go-between is asked to look up a lucky day for the formal proposal. Nowadays the photographs are first exchanged and if they are found satisfactory, inquiries are made before the meeting is arranged.

On the appointed day a messenger, a trusted friend or servant of the young man’s family, calls on the girl’s father and makes a formal proposal, bringing at the same time a present of silk dresses, an _obi_, fish, and _sake_; the father accepts the present and gives a receipt for it. This acceptance constitutes the consent to the marriage. He also makes a present to the other family. Soon after, he invites his relatives and intimate friends to a dinner, at which he announces the betrothal of his daughter. Preparations are then made forthwith for the wedding; and when they are completed, another gathering of relatives and friends with their wives takes place and the dresses and other requisite articles for the marriage are exhibited; and the meeting, especially the female section of it, criticise and offer advice if necessary on these preparations.

Now all is complete; and an auspicious day has been fixed for the wedding. The bride’s property is sent on to the bridegroom’s a day or two previously. It consists of chests of drawers and several boxes containing her dresses, bedding, toilet articles, various utensils needed for tea-making and flower arrangement, a _koto_, and work-boxes, and sometimes even kitchen utensils. In the evening she leaves her father’s home. Formerly she went in a palanquin; but now she is conveyed in a jinrikisha or carriage. She is accompanied by friends and relatives. She is dressed in white or some other light colour. In the country a bonfire is lighted at the door, and she is escorted by torchlight; but in the city only lanterns are carried.

On reaching the bridegroom’s house, the bride is led into the toilet-room to rest herself a while and touch up her toilet. Then she is shown into the room where the wedding ceremony is to take place. The arrangement of the room varies with the school of etiquette; but usually there are offerings to the Gods on the dais of the alcove. They comprise two round cakes of pounded rice in the middle, with a stand of consecrated _sake_ a little in front on either side, and at the back a stand each of fish (a carp or _tai_) and fowl (a pheasant or snipe). There are, besides, a couple of black-lacquered cabinets with writing materials, a small wash-basin, and tea-utensils. There also stands a large flat porcelain dish with legs, on which are planted a miniature pine, bamboo, and plum-tree, with a tortoise at the base and a crane flying above. The pine, being an evergreen, signifies longevity, the bamboo, from its pliancy, gentleness, and the plum-tree, which blooms while there is yet snow on the ground, denotes fidelity in adversity. The crane which is supposed to live a thousand years and the tortoise whose life is said to last ten times as long, both symbolise longevity. In the foreground are an old couple, Takasago by name, who are the Darby and Joan of the Japanese legend, the husband with a rake and the wife with a broomstick. The whole stand is then emblematic of long life, happiness, and conjugal fidelity.

As soon as the bride takes her seat, the bridegroom enters and sits too, in front of her according to one school of etiquette, or beside her according to another. They are attended by waiting-women, by children, or by the go-between and his wife only. Two trays each are set before the new couple. The plats which have each a special significance it would take too much space to describe here. But the most important part of the ceremony takes place after the trays have been carried in. A set of three flatfish wooden cups are brought, and the top or smallest cup is filled with the consecrated _sake_ which has in the meantime been taken down from the dais and poured into a couple of iron or bronze pots with long handles. It is handed to the bride who drinks it; the same process is repeated twice, so that she drinks from the cup three times. Then the bridegroom, too, drinks three times from it. The second cup is next given to the bridegroom who again drinks three times and is then handed to the bride who does the same. Finally, the third and largest cup is set first before the bride and then before the bridegroom, who each again drinks three times. Thus, both the bride and the bridegroom have drunk three times from each of the three cups. This process, which is called “three times three,” constitutes the essential part of the ceremony and joins the two in wedlock.

When they have exchanged cups, the bride and the bridegroom retire and change their dresses. They then enter the room where the wedding guests are being entertained. They receive their congratulations and sit with them for a while. They are expected to eat and drink with them; but they retire before long to the bridal chamber. The go-between and his wife assist them and come down afterwards to report to the assembled guests that the happy couple have been put to bed. The guests then take their departure shortly after this announcement.

Next morning the bride is up betimes to send a messenger to her father to announce that the wedding has taken place without a hitch; and the father too, before the arrival of the messenger, sends to ask after the welfare of his daughter and son-in-law. He sends presents to the members of his daughter’s new home. She receives the congratulations of her friends.

On the following day the friends and relatives and their wives are invited to the bridegroom’s house, when the dresses and other articles brought by the bride are exhibited. The guests are entertained often till very late at night. The bridegroom sends rice-cakes to his father-in-law who distributes them among his friends and relatives. On the fourth day after the marriage, the bride goes to her father’s house and stays there a day or two. After her return to her husband, her father invites the young couple and the friends and relatives of both families to dinner. This gathering is called “the unbending of the knees,” because the guests are expected to unbend themselves and stretch their knees and legs which they kept rigidly bent during the marriage ceremony and subsequent parties. They sing and dance and enjoy themselves without constraint. This is the last of the gatherings connected with the marriage. During all these ceremonies the exchange of presents is interminable so that a marriage in the regular style is very expensive, and people of moderate means curtail the proceedings as much as possible. Some even have weddings in a tea-house, especially if their own houses are not large enough to seat all the invited guests. It has become the fashion of late to hold the wedding ceremony in a shrine in imitation of the Christian marriage service at church.

It will be seen from the above brief account how much a Japanese marriage differs from a European. The reader who considers that free choice is essential to a happy marriage, will naturally wonder at the employment of a go-between and the comparatively passive part played by the parties most concerned. It is true that the young couple have little opportunity of knowing each other before they are joined in wedlock; for the short time, often half an hour or less, for which they see each other before making a definite decision can hardly be said to afford them an opportunity of mutual acquaintance full enough to inspire them with confidence in the momentous step they are about to take. The knowledge of each other that meeting is supposed to give them is of the most superficial kind; for besides the shortness of time, the consciousness of what is to result from the meeting naturally puts the two on their best behaviour and prevents their being caught at unguarded moments, which alone can give any insight into their character. In their prim and stiff attitude, it is only their personal appearance that can be considered; but even that is disguised on the girl’s part by the paint and fine dress she has put on for the occasion. The intended lovers have in fact to trust blindly to luck in their bid for conjugal happiness.

But there is, on the other hand, something to be said for the go-between system. Free choice is certainly most desirable when the lovers are old enough to have a definite knowledge of their own minds and may be expected to make a judicious choice; and upon the marriage of a man over thirty with a woman of more than five and twenty, the parties would not deserve much sympathy if they subsequently found that they had mistaken each other’s character. But in Japan we marry young as a rule, men being under thirty and not unfrequently a little more than twenty and women at the latter age or less. If they were left to themselves, they would be as imprudent in their choice as those of the same age would be in other countries. They would, if pleased with each other’s looks, be quite content to take their chance of the other elements that go to make a happy marriage; and only by bitter experience would they discover that they cannot live on love alone, but that divers worldly considerations must be taken into account. Many a life would, as in countries where marriage is freely contracted, be blasted by an early imprudent marriage, which is with us obviated in a great degree by the employment of the go-between. The father of the young man or girl, in looking for a suitable partner for his child, would naturally have prudential considerations foremost in view; the one would wish for a girl, well born if possible, but certainly educated enough to be a worthy ruler of the household, while the other would be equally anxious to have for his son-in-law a steady young man who would always be able to maintain his family in comfort. And the go-between, by looking himself or through his friends for an eligible partner, would be able to search on a far larger scale than would be possible to the unaided efforts of the father and his child.

This ability to make an extensive search brings out another advantage of the go-between over the free-choice system. The custom in the West which requires the woman to wait till she receives a proposal entails upon her great hardships. Sometimes, as her circle of acquaintances is generally small, she throws herself after long waiting upon the least uncongenial of the lot and prepares for herself years of disappointment, disillusionment, and heart-burnings. Or, where personal appearance counts for much as it almost always does, a woman with no pretension to beauty must often suffer many a year to elapse before the gallant comes to woo her; perhaps he never comes at all, and the qualities which might have made her a model wife are allowed to run to waste for being concealed under a homely face; and she who might have helped a husband to fame and fortune becomes a soured old maid with bitter hatred of men, or that other and more pathetic figure, the kindly maiden aunt who lavishes on her little nephews and nieces that wealth of love which a wise man would have taken to his heart as an inestimable treasure despite the plain casket in which it is enclosed. From such compulsory spinsterhood a woman is saved in Japan by the go-between; she need not set her cap at any one, for being the deputy for the woman as well as for the man, the go-between can carry proposals from her as if he were making them on his own initiative and so can meet with a rebuff without bringing upon her the shame of a repulse. He can also find for her a suitable husband even if she is far from pretty or gentle, or has defects which may make an ordinary man think twice before rushing into her arms. “For the cracked pot a rotten lid,” as we say in Japan, and for a pot however cracked or imperfect, we can always find a lid to match. So with men and women. A woman with imperfections can thus get without much difficulty a husband with similar defects; but it would be no easy task to catch such a man without the go-between’s assistance.

There is still another benefit accruing from the go-between system. Upon a squabble taking place between the husband and the wife, they may in the heat of the moment wish to separate; and if left to themselves, they would at once get a divorce as it would not be difficult to bring their own families to take up their cause. But before they can resort to such an extreme step, they must consult the go-between, whose duty it is to make arrangements for their separation in the same way as for their union; and the go-between, bearing in mind the interests of both parties, will do his best to patch up any differences that may have arisen, and if he is a man of tact, usually succeed in restoring peace. In minor matters he is also always appealed to; he hears the complaints of both the husband and the wife, and advises them to yield or compromise. He is really even more useful after the marriage than before: and he is always treated with great respect by the couple he has joined. But if, in spite of all his efforts to the contrary, the divorce does take place, his position is an unenviable one, for not unfrequently he would be thought by either family to have purposely deceived it by introducing a person whom he had known from the first to be unsuitable.

With us marriage is a civil contract. All that the authorities require is that the heads of the two families should report the marriage and request the girl’s domicile to be transferred from her father’s house to her husband’s. The registrar of the local office complies accordingly, and the couple are legally married. There is no ceremony connected with it. Perhaps this absence of religious sanction may tend to make a marriage less imposing; but as to its being less binding on that account as some have alleged, such a contention is open to question as the divorce court proceedings in the West seldom appear to be stayed by any considerations of the sanctity imposed upon marriage by religion. The exchange of cups in our-weddings is a tacit vow of love and fidelity; and when we have in view the possibility of a divorce thereafter, it is as well that we do not lay ourselves open to the charge of perjury by coming up for a second marriage after having at the first sworn before God that we would “love and cherish each other until death us do part.”

Finally, the new couple do not go on a honeymoon, but proceed at once to enter upon their household duties. The honeymoon is undoubtedly an excellent institution for giving the couple an opportunity of enjoying themselves unreservedly in each other’s company before taking up the serious business of life; but at the same time it not unfrequently happens that they return from it sadly disillusioned and with an outlook far from rosy upon wedded life. The Japanese bride has an advantage over her western sister in that respect, for she has no illusions to be dispelled.

Here, then, is the essential difference in the point of view taken of wedded life. In the West it is through romance that people enter into matrimony, and that is apt to melt before the hard facts of life; whereas in Japan we regard it in a more prosaic light, and the Japanese bride takes up the burden of married life at the threshold to lay it down only at the grave. Again, in the West a man may in a vague way think it time for him to marry and then look for a suitable partner; but more often it is the sight of the woman with whom he would willingly share the pleasures and pains of this world that awakens in him the desire to marry and prompts him to propose to her. The possession of the woman he has set his heart upon is the immediate motive of his marriage. In Japan, however, the young man finds life lonely by himself, or is pressed into marriage by his parents or friends, or fails to win the confidence of his circle while he remains single; and accordingly he or his parents ask friends to look for a suitable wife. The impelling cause is here the desire to have a well-ordered establishment, and love is something to be aroused and developed after marriage. As fewer elements of happiness enter into our method of wife-seeking than into the European, it may be conjectured that marriage is naturally a more risky venture with us in respect of domestic felicity. But then, we do not, when we marry, look so much for the fire and heat of love; we are content if the common cares and joys of conjugal life induce in the course of time the warm, equable glow of affection.