ACT III

_The next night._

_A corridor in the palace. It stretches longitudinally across the stage and is rather narrow. In the wall to the back there is a wide and high arch, covered with heavy hangings of imperial purple, showing two large embroidered H's, with wreaths above them, in gold. The solid wall of the corridor, seen to the two sides of the central hangings, is of coloured marble. The hangings conceal the state banquet hall, and the corridor is the emperor's means of getting to the latter from his private apartments. All decorations are simple, but of the utmost richness._

_During the whole act, down to the last scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall--laughter, music and the clinking of goblets--now faintly and now loudly._

_As the curtain rises_ PISO _and_ POLORUS _enter, followed by a slave pushing their rolling table of medicines and instruments. They are in long white tunics, reaching below the knees, and with short sleeves--the early Roman equivalent of modern operating gowns._

PISO

[_To the slave_] Here, Ambrose, shove it to this side.

[_The slave runs the table to the left, halts it by the back wall, and exits_]

POLORUS

[_Officiously_] Where is the headache powder?

PISO

[_Reaching to the shelf beneath the table, he brings up a huge blue bottle_] Here you are. Do you think we have enough?

POLORUS

It's enough to kill them, but I doubt that it's enough to cure them, once they get started.

PISO

Well, if we run out of it, we can give them some cholera mixture. They'll never know the difference.

POLORUS

[_Busily arranging the bottles_] All this does me good, my boy. It makes me young again.

PISO

Do you think the moral movement is really over?

POLORUS

If it isn't, then why this good old-fashioned banquet? Why all the old crowd? Why all the old girls? I suspect that Paula arranged the whole thing. Have you seen the list of guests?

PISO

No.

POLORUS

Well, not a tank is missing. Every zinc-lined stomach and copper-plated kidney in Rome is here. By the way, have we got enough stomach-pumps?

PISO

[_Indicating them_] Here are six.

POLORUS

Maybe that will be enough. [_He roots among the medicines_] I have a feeling that this will finish the Christian wife. She'll never stand for an old-time banquet.

PISO

Then let us thank all the gods. If Christianity ever actually got on its legs, the doctoring business would go to pot. All this praying and fasting and going to bed at ten o'clock is fatal to pathology. The aim of medicine is to save a man from the just consequences of his own vices. If he gives up his vices, then--

POLORUS

But he never does. All he ever comes to is the exchange of one vice for another. This praying that you mention is a vice. Fasting is a vice. Going to bed at ten o'clock is a vice.

PISO

Maybe so. But I am speaking medically. The medicine that _we_ studied was designed for certain ends. It supposes the existence of certain vices. You and I know, for example, how to treat a man who has eaten too much or who hasn't had sleep _enough_. But what of the man who has fasted, and at the same time got too _much_ sleep? There you stand medicine on its head. And I am too old to learn it all over again.

POLORUS

[_Argumentatively_] You make imaginary difficulties, Dr. Piso. Simply give him a dose of salts, say I, and trust to luck. You talk as if a physician had to _cure_ his patient. Nonsense. All he has to do is to _try_ to cure him.

PISO

[_Bridling_] Is _that_ so? Then how do you--

[_He is cut short by the entrance of_ CAIUS MACRINUS _from the left_. CAIUS _lumbers toward_ PISO _and is seen to be already far gone in liquor_]

CAIUS

Say, Doctor--

PISO

Why, Commander! What brings you here?

CAIUS

Ain't this the night of the banquet? I thought this was the night of the banquet. If this ain't the night of the banquet, then I--

PISO

Of course it is. But how did you get _here_?

CAIUS

Ain't this the palace? I thought this was the palace. I saw a lot of girls going in the basement and so I thought it was the palace.

PISO

So it is. But this is the Emperor's private corridor. You ought to have gone the other way, through the atrium.

CAIUS

Excuse me, gentleman. I apologize. [_He attempts a right-about-face_] Which way did you say? I thought I was in the palace. I saw a lot of cuties going into the basement and so I thought it was the palace. [_Suddenly pulling himself up_] But say, Doctor, I knew I wanted to see you about something. You are Dr. Piso, ain't you?

PISO

I am _the_ Dr. Piso.

CAIUS

I remember you that time I had that carbuncle. Where was it? Somewhere in Gaul. My, my! How the years do skip along! Here it's July again--[_He pauses uncertainly_] Is it? Is it July again?

PISO

[_Professionally_] You say you desire to consult me, Commander?

CAIUS

Doctor, you know what it is--this sea-faring life. I thought my legs would give out first. But it turns out to be my stomach.

PISO

You have indigestion?

CAIUS

No, sir! I can digest anything. I could eat an alligator. Tail and all.

PISO

But--

CAIUS

[_Looking about him cautiously_] Shhhh! I'm coming to it! I can _eat_ anything, but--but--

[_His voice quavers_]

PISO

But you're not what you used to be at--

CAIUS

[_He nods mournfully_] Half a dozen bottles of wine, and I'm not worth a damn. The fact is, I am almost a teetotaler--practically. I hardly drink a thing--scarcely. [_He sighs boozily_] Think of what's ahead of me tonight. They're all here--the military, the judiciary, the Senate. If I drink with all those gold-fish, then I'll be laid up tomorrow, and maybe die. And if I don't drink, then I disgrace the navy.

PISO

Too bad. But maybe I can help you.

CAIUS

That's what I was getting at, Doctor. I remember, out in Asia Minor, how those slick Persians would take a hooch of something or other, and then they were ready for anything. The point is, what _was_ it?

PISO

Olive oil.

POLORUS

Ammonia.

PISO

Ammonia your uncle!

POLORUS

[_Bitingly_] Yes, ammonia one's uncle! An ounce in a glass of milk, before _or_ after.

CAIUS

Could I take them both?

PISO

Yes, if you are crazy.

POLORUS

Why not? The ammonia will fix him, and the olive oil won't kill him. [_Busying himself at the table_] Let us mix them.

[_He pours the olive oil and ammonia into a beaker, and starts to stir the mixture_]

CAIUS

[_Getting affectionate and placing his arm around_ POLORUS' _neck_] Oh, Doctor! Give me a big one! Don't tease me with a pony!

POLORUS

This is the regular size for elephants and gladiators. Now--there you are--down with it!

[_He hands_ CAIUS _the beaker_. CAIUS _downs it at a fearful gulp, and comes up spluttering and rolling his eyes_]

CAIUS

[_Faintly_] Is there a chaser?

PISO

No. Let it alone. The fire will go out of itself.

[CAIUS _attempts to speak, but achieves only an unintelligible whisper_]

POLORUS

[_Elbowing him toward the left_] Go out in the atrium, Commander, and stick your head in the pool.

[CAIUS _again attempts to speak, but cannot, and waddles off_]

PISO

[_Calling after him_] Don't forget the professor!

POLORUS

[_Coming back_] That old soak is on his last legs. Practically a teetotaler! I wonder what he--

PISO

[_At the table_] Where did you get that olive oil?

POLORUS

Out of the tall yellow bottle.

PISO

Well, you wasted four ounces of good turpentine liniment.

POLORUS

[_Examining the bottles_] Um, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. But I _didn't_ waste any ammonia. I gave him ninety per cent. alcohol.

PISO

What are the odds? I once cured a case of chilblains with a couple of liver pills.

POLORUS

You ought to try some of those pills on the Emperor.

PISO

_Ought_ to try them? I have given him a keg of them.

POLORUS

Then it's no wonder _I_ can't cure him.

PISO

[_Irascibly_] _You?_ Do you ever _cure_ patients? Oh, my word! It's those infernal powders of yours that counteract the pills. No wonder he gets worse. I can never give him enough of _my_ pills to catch up with _your_ powders. If you--

[_He is interrupted by the sudden appearance of_

SIMON, _the Christian giant, from the right_. SIMON'S _eyes are staring, and he is evidently labouring under much excitement_]

SIMON

[_In a sepulchral voice_] God be with you!

PISO

[_Startled_] The same to you, Reverend. But what are _you_ doing here?

SIMON

[_Mysteriously_] I have business here.

POLORUS

Business here? Don't you know what's going on?

SIMON

I see preparations for debauchery--sin--venery--the devil's work.

PISO

Not so loud, old schooner. The _Emperor_ is giving this banquet. Remember the Espionage Act.

SIMON

My business is _with_ the Emperor.

POLORUS

[_Amazed and amused_] Surely you are not going to the banquet yourself?

[PISO _haw-haws_]

SIMON

[_Solemnly_] I have come to--to--to--[_He hesitates_] I have come to--

PISO

You have come to look them over?

POLORUS

You want to see whether the girls really _do_ take off their--

SIMON

[_Cutting in_] Girls? Bah! I abhor the scarlet woman. My prayers are for one pure woman, for--

PISO

The wife Lucia!

POLORUS

[_Nodding his head_] He's mashed on her.

SIMON

[_Indignantly_] I am old enough to be her father.

PISO

Yes, so is the Emperor.

SIMON

Let him have a care! Let him remember the wrath to come.

POLORUS

What! At a banquet?

SIMON

Even at a banquet. Even amid the flesh-pots. Even among the scarlet women. Let him remember his lawful wife. I hear talk that is terrible.

PISO

What do you hear?

SIMON

That he plans to cast her off. More, that he plans to--murder her.

POLORUS

[_Glancing about him_] Oh, I say!

SIMON

Even as he has murdered other poor women--trusting hearts--discarded wives. [_Suddenly infuriated_] But not the wife Lucia! The moment his slaves touch the anointed of the Lord--[_He draws a dagger_]--that moment I plunge this knife into his heathen heart!

PISO

[_Nervously_] My dear sir, calm yourself. This is awful talk. I positively refuse to listen to any such anarchism.

SIMON

I shall wait here. I am ready. I shall serve the Lord.

POLORUS

Suppose you let me have that knife. I am more used to such things. You are a clergyman. It may cut you.

[_As he steps forward, there are noises outside, to the left. The band behind the curtain strikes up more loudly, and presently voices call_ "The Emperor! The Emperor!"]

SIMON

[_Flourishing the dagger_] Nay! I shall wait here! I am ready.

[_More cries. The music grows louder._ PISO _and_ POLORUS _grow increasingly alarmed. Cries of_ "The Emperor! The Emperor!"]

PISO

[_In a panic_] What are we to do?

POLORUS

If we had time we could anæsthetize him.

PISO

Yes, if we had time we could hypnotize him. _But now?_

SIMON

Pray to the Lord!

POLORUS

Yes, yes, but not now. Not here. I never miss the Day of Atonement. I promised my old mother. [_In full demoralization, to_ PISO] _You_ tackle him.

PISO

[_Panic-stricken, to_ SIMON] Why not go out and take a little walk and come back later?

SIMON

I stay here. I am set here to watch. An angel charged me to--

[_Shouts of_ "The Emperor!" _very near. The music grows louder still. Cheers behind the hangings_]

POLORUS

[_Pushing him back frantically_] But you're blocking up the passage-way. It is forbidden. Surely you don't want to _offend_ the Emperor.

SIMON

[_Idiotically_] Not unnecessarily.

PISO

Well, then--

POLORUS

[_Inspired_] Ah, here!

[_He shoves_ SIMON _behind the hangings at the extreme right, where they overlap the back wall_]

PISO

[_Greatly relieved_] Whew!

POLORUS

[_Coming back_] Just in time! [_Suddenly alarmed again_] But suppose he jumps out and--

[_He drops his voice_]

PISO

[_Resolutely_] Who?

POLORUS

[_In surprise_] Who? This blamed--

PISO

_I_ didn't see anybody. Did _you_?

POLORUS

[_With a relieved wink_] No. I saw no one.

PISO

He must have sneaked in during the day.

POLORUS

Maybe the wife Lucia let him in.

[_Cries of_ "The Emperor!" _just outside. With it an unexpected babble of women's voices._ PISO _and_ POLORUS, _at this new sound, look at each other in sudden astonishment as_ RUFINIUS _enters_]

RUFINIUS

His Imperial Majesty!

[RUFINIUS _is followed by two centurions_. PISO _drops to one knee and_ POLORUS _follows suit_. HELIOGABALUS _stalks in with_ PAULA _hanging to one arm and_ CÆLESTIS _to the other. Behind the three, crowded closely, are_ ANNIA FAUSTINA, AQUILIA SEVERA, _and three or four other wives. Last of all comes_ DACIA. HELIOGABALUS _wears a magnificent toga of imperial purple, with gold borders very heavily embroidered, and a wreath of laurel. He moves to the centre of the stage without a word, and as if scarcely conscious of_ PAULA _and_ CÆLESTIS. _A murmur of confused speech among the other wives. Obviously, there has been an encounter outside._ PISO _and_ POLORUS _get to their feet, and move off discreetly toward the right, pushing their wheeled table ahead of them. Presently they go out._ RUFINIUS _takes station at the side of the archway leading into the banquet hall, directly before the place where_ SIMON _is concealed. The centurions go to the extreme right, and stand impassive. Throughout this scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Suddenly shaking off_ PAULA _and_ CÆLESTIS, _and swinging 'round to face the other wives, his arms folded_] The answer is Yes and No!

PAULA

[_Melodramatically_] What!

HELIOGABALUS

Yes to question number one; no to question number two.

THE OTHER WIVES

[_Together_] Which is which?... Do we come back?... What can he mean?... Which question is number one?... He's going to put her out!

PAULA

[_Authoritatively_] Silence! Let me do the talking. [_To_ HELIOGABALUS, _bravely but a bit uneasily_] What do you mean ... darling?

HELIOGABALUS

Simply this, molasses jar. You all come back--but not together.

THE OTHER WIVES

[_In a babble, as before. They don't quite know whether to hail the news, or to protest_] Oh, we come back!... But what does _that_ mean?... I don't understand it at all.... Do you mean--?

PAULA

[_Sharply_] Silence!

[_The babble is cut short instantly. A momentary silence._ HELIOGABALUS _stands with his arms folded. The wives look uneasy and a bit foolish_]

PAULA

[_To_ HELIOGABALUS, _quaveringly_] You are not going to--?

HELIOGABALUS

Carpenters are at work building a plain double-bed. I have ordered that farm taken out and burned. The double-bed will suffice until--

PAULA

But I thought we were to come back.

HELIOGABALUS

You do--but you come back one by one.

CÆLESTIS

But where will the rest of us sleep?

HELIOGABALUS

Where you _have_ been sleeping--during the late revolution. Sleep wherever you please. If the palace isn't big enough, I'll have barracks built.

PAULA

[_Maudlinly_] Oh, my poor head! I can't understand a thing he says!

HELIOGABALUS

Let me explain. The old system had its advantages. I was used to it and strongly approved it. But the older I get, the more I learn. At ninety or a hundred I should be genuinely wise. _One_ thing I have learned is that the Christian system, too, has--

PAULA

[_Hysterically_] He's deserting us for that street woman!

[_The other wives set up a shrill protest of_ "Ohs"]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Talking them down_] The Christian system, too, has its advantages. It is lonesome, but peaceful. I sleep better. The ventilation is better. More air. Fewer breathing.

PAULA

I protest against it as immoral! We are your lawful--

HELIOGABALUS

[_Sardonically_] Immoral? Hah, because it's pleasant! You, too, have become infected by this Christianity.

PAULA

Oh, what an insult!

HELIOGABALUS

But to resume. You take your turns one by one, quietly and in order. First, let us say--well, first one of you. To be selected by me. I have a system worked out. Each stays on until--until I feel like a change. Then the next. And so on.

PAULA

I see it all. It's a scheme to get that Christian hussy in--and then keep us out!

HELIOGABALUS

[_Darkly, rolling his eye over the group of wives_] The Christian girl will not be the first. She must take her turn.

CÆLESTIS

See! She remains. What did I tell you?

[_The other wives babble_]

HELIOGABALUS

If you are my lawful wives, then she is my lawful wife. I must be just. As Pontifex Maximus I am the _incarnation_ of justice.

PAULA

I am against justice for Christians!

HELIOGABALUS

[_Humorously_] Exactly. There is always some one that justice doesn't apply to.

CÆLESTIS

You might take her in, and then keep her a year.

HELIOGABALUS

It's theoretically possible, but very improbable. No, my inclination to the Christian system has its limits. The girl must take her turn. I must suffer, say once a year. Where is she, by the way?

PAULA

Praying somewhere, I suppose.

CÆLESTIS

[_Maliciously_] Maybe she has run off with that old bed-tick of an evangelist.

HELIOGABALUS

I shall ask her to pray for _you_, Cælestis.

CÆLESTIS

[_Horrified_] Oh, oh! She'll put a spell on me!

HELIOGABALUS

Never fear. [_Wearily_] I have tried it. Her spells are nothing. She couldn't even cure my stomach-ache.... And now, off with you. I have important business. I am entertaining the Supreme Bench.

PAULA

[_Defiantly_] It is your duty to turn her out.

CÆLESTIS

It is your duty to--

ANOTHER WIFE

It is your duty--

HELIOGABALUS

[_Irritably_] Duty! Duty! Always my duty! Well, it is my duty to--

PAULA

Do your duty and you'll be happy.

HELIOGABALUS

A fallacy, my dill pickle. Duty may make a man able to _stand_ a thing, but it never makes him _enjoy_ it. Now good-night.

[_He shoos them toward the door, left_]

PAULA

I object! I protest!

[_The other wives begin to babble, joining her protest_]

HELIOGABALUS

Enough! I order you--as Emperor! [_They grow silent and slink away_] Disobey, and--[_They start out_, HELIOGABALUS _following them, toward the door_] The name of the evening's nominee will reach you in due course.

PAULA

[_At the door_] I--

HELIOGABALUS

[_Peremptorily_] Guards!

[PAULA _runs out, and the others crowd after her. In the scuffle, one of the wives is pushed to one side, and finds herself inside after the door bangs. It is_ DACIA. HELIOGABALUS, _turning back toward the entrance to the banquet-room, notices her. She hasn't said a word during the preceding scene, but has noticeably hung back. Now, facing the Emperor, she is suddenly confused, and turns toward the door in alarm. But he halts her_]

HELIOGABALUS

What! Little Dacia! [_She nods shyly_] I didn't notice you. I didn't hear a word from you.

DACIA

[_Ingenuously_] I didn't say anything.

HELIOGABALUS

Not a word about duty?

DACIA

No.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Elaborately kissing her hand_] Thank you.

DACIA

I hope you are feeling much better.

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you again. If I saw more of you, Dacia, I'd soon be well. [_A pause_] I heard you singing last night. It was very sweet of you.

DACIA

[_Simply_] I thought you might like me to do it.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Now thoroughly interested_] Like it? I loved it! You gave me pleasant dreams. I dreamed that things were as--as they used to be, and that--

DACIA

[_Snuggling into his arms_] Have you missed me?

HELIOGABALUS

Enormously! At first I wondered just what it was I missed so much, but then I knew. It was my little wifey. [_He kisses her gently_] Now she's never going to leave me again.

DACIA

[_With all the art of the cutie, but apparently simply_] If you want me.

HELIOGABALUS

I want you every minute. [_With elaborate tenderness_] I was so worried about you. How did your cold get? Better? You are sure you take care of yourself? I wish you would stop wearing those very thin stockings. [_Feeling of her frock_] And this dress! It's like a night-gown.

DACIA

[_Coyly, burying her face on his shoulder_] I have a new night-gown.

HELIOGABALUS

When am I to see it?

DACIA

You never notice such things.

HELIOGABALUS

What nonsense. Didn't I notice the pink one--the one you worked yourself--all those forget-me-nots?

DACIA

That was the first you ever saw.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Sentimentally_] I'll never forget it. Ah, those days! Those happy, happy days!

[_During all this scene_ SIMON _has occasionally peeped out from behind the hangings, his eyes popping as_ HELIOGABALUS _grows more and more ardent_. RUFINIUS _has discreetly turned his back and the centurions are far to the right, also with their backs toward the centre. All the while noisy music and whoops have been coming from the banquet hall, with occasional bursts of applause. Now and then a definite voice may be heard--probably old_ CAIUS'S]

DACIA

You _do_ love me, don't you?

HELIOGABALUS

Don't you know it?

DACIA

I think so. But how much?

HELIOGABALUS

That much. [_An enormous kiss. Then_--HELIOGABALUS _straightens up, glances at the banquet-room entrance, and gives a weary sigh_] Well, I suppose I must go in. It's really important--a very serious affair--the first in months. You know why there has been none. I made a lamentable error. I hate bloodshed, but I really think I'd be justified in--

[SIMON _peeps from behind the hangings, his eyes popping_]

DACIA

But I'll see you soon?

HELIOGABALUS

I should surely hope so. I nominate you number one. And I'll make Paula number two, so there'll be no temptation to--

DACIA

[_Very demurely_] You won't be long?

HELIOGABALUS

How could I be long? [_Kissing her briefly again_] And don't forget! [_He whispers to her, and, as if blushing, she hides her face on his shoulder_] You understand?

DACIA

[_Whispers_] I'll be there.

HELIOGABALUS

And now--[_Another kiss_] Wear that pink one. You know. Now I must--[_A sudden idea_] But why not simply stay? How idiotic of me not to have thought of it! You can sit right beside me as you used to do. I'll get away all the sooner.

DACIA

But it's a men's party!

HELIOGABALUS

Pish! You'd be welcome at _any_ men's party. Just watch how the judiciary gape at you!

DACIA

But my frock! This old thing!

HELIOGABALUS

It's perfect! Those old rats never look at the clothes; they look at the girl. [_He takes his laurel wreath from his head and puts it on_ DACIA'S _head_] There! The last touch!

[DACIA _is still doubtful and hangs back to steal a glance at herself in a pocket-mirror, but_ HELIOGABALUS _takes her arm and they turn toward the entrance to the banquet hall_. RUFINIUS _claps his hands, trumpets ring out; the two centurions step forward and draw back the hangings. A scene of gaudy splendour is revealed. The banquet hall reaches to the back of the stage, with a floor three steps higher than that of the corridor. A superb flash of colour. There is a huge horse-shoe of a table, very low, and it is surrounded by the low couches on which the Romans reclined at meals. Around the horse-shoe are grouped the guests--senators, generals, ambassadors, judges and other magnificoes--chiefly elderly and grizzled men._ CAIUS _is to the left, and is quickly seen to be far gone in liquor_. HELIOGABALUS' _place is in front and to the right, so that when he rises to speak his profile is toward the audience in the theatre. In the centre of the horse-shoe is a small dancing floor, and exactly in the middle of it a tall fountain, with coloured lights playing upon it. The walls of the hall are richly decorated, and various barbaric banners show brilliant patches of colour. All the guests are in white togas, but on the shoulder of every one there is some coloured badge of rank. The musicians are far to the rear and their music is heard constantly, save when_ HELIOGABALUS _speaks. They play strange, levantine tunes, sometimes in the old Greek modes. Translated into modern tones, their music sounds as if made by two violins, a 'cello, a zither, an oboe and a snare-drum._

_As the hangings go back, and_ HELIOGABALUS, _with_ DACIA _on his arm, is revealed to the banqueters, there is a sudden silence. Then_ CAIUS _springs to his feet and shouts_ "Vivat Imperator!" _and the whole assemblage rises. The old boys stand unsteadily as he mounts the three steps and moves toward his place--it is evident that they have been dining very well. There is no cheer, but the chord of C major is sounded loudly by the musicians. This cuts off the dance that has been in progress. The dancer, half-naked, pauses irresolutely for a second, and then, full of stage-fright, leaps off the dancing floor, plunges through the standing guests to the left, and disappears. The guests all crane their necks to see_ DACIA]

CAIUS

[_Turning tipsily as the dancer makes off_] Hey, there!

HELIOGABALUS

[_Taking his place, with_ DACIA _beside him_] Let us sit.

[_The guests settle down, some gracefully enough, but others with much difficulty. They all continue to steal stares at_ DACIA]

CAIUS

[_Rising unsteadily_] Majesty, the dancer took to the woods. I feel I ought to apologize.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Genially_] Maybe something struck her suddenly--conscience, or gallstones, or something.

CAIUS

Oh, no. I've known that little one for years--sound as a gladiator. Maybe--[_He winks_] I'd better go and--and--

[_He rises wobblingly_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Cutting in_] And fetch her?

CAIUS

That's it--and fetch her.

[_He winks elaborately again and wobbles off, stumbling once or twice over his toga_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Rising in his best imperial manner. As he gets to his legs the musicians repeat the massive chord of C major_] Gentlemen, my apologies for my tardiness. The fact is, I didn't know until the last minute if my health would permit me to join you. I was brought here on a litter, attended by two physicians. They are out in the ante-chamber at this moment, mixing pills. [_With the sudden malignancy of the dyspeptic_] I shall take, say, 5,000 more pills. Then we'll see how far a doctor's neck can stretch--a curious scientific experiment--vivisection, so to speak. [_Recovering his former manner_] But this is no talk for a banquet. If I told you my symptoms you would fall into faints, with screams of horror. [_One of the guests struggles to his feet and makes as if to speak_] Yes, Senator, I have tried that Armenian lithia water. I don't doubt it cured your ringing in the ears, but it has only made my stomach-ache worse. No more water! I have got down enough water of late to float Caius' whole fleet. To the sewers with water! What have we here? [_He lifts up a goblet and sniffs at it_] Aha! Good red Terentum! Gentlemen, I pledge you!

[_The whole assemblage rises, goblets in hand. Slaves elbow in with fresh jars of wine, placing them upon the table_]

VARIOUS GUESTS

Vivat Imperator! Vivat Elegabalus!

HELIOGABALUS

Gentlemen, let us all drink to Rome, the one perfect and immortal Empire--the model and despair of other states--the mother of justice--the guardian of civilization! Rome cannot die! Rome forever!

GUESTS

Rome forever!

[_They drink stupendous drafts, some of them coming up quite out of breath._]

[HELIOGABALUS _sits down, and offers a sip from his goblet to_ DACIA. _As the others tumble into their places, there is a turmoil to the left, and_ CAIUS' _voice is heard_]

CAIUS

[_In a hoarse voice, without_] Oh, come on, dearie! Don't be afraid!

[_The guests snicker_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Rising so that he can see_] Bring her in, Caius.

[CAIUS _comes in with an almost naked dancing-girl. She is coal-black and very much abashed. The guests whoop and roar as they see her_]

CAIUS

This is a different one, Majesty. I couldn't find the other one. I hunted high and low. [_Again he winks elaborately_] This one is an Egyptian--her name is Irene. I take a fatherly interest in this one.

A GUEST

Dear old papa!

ANOTHER GUEST

[_Mimicking a baby_] Da-da! Da-da!

HELIOGABALUS

She seems bashful.

CAIUS

Just a little. Ain't used to dancing before ladies. [_An elaborate and idiotic bow to_ DACIA] She has her instructions: no rough stuff. Perhaps her Majesty--

HELIOGABALUS

Let her display her art. This is a different "Her Majesty."

CAIUS

[_Very drunk_] Profound apologies. My error. No offence, Majesty, I assure you. My eyes--astigmatism--

HELIOGABALUS

Now then!

[_The music starts with a crash, and the dancer leaps into a wild dance. At first the guests regard her stolidly, but in a few seconds some of them begin to rise to see her better_]

CAIUS

[_Rising_] This is nothing, Majesty. This is just the start.

HELIOGABALUS

Very interesting. Has the dance any significance? Is it symbolical?

CAIUS

I should say it is. If you understand it, it brings tears to your eyes. Very affecting, indeed. I'll explain it. You observe that sort of flop-flop of the arms? Well, that signifies--[_The music drowns him out. To the musicians, over his shoulder_] Not so loud, professor. Where do you think you are?

[_The music grows soft. The dancing girl now launches into a series of amazing wriggles, occasionally leaping into the air._ CAIUS, _very solemnly and unsteadily, explains as she goes on_. HELIOGABALUS, _while this is in progress, sips his wine, and gradually grows very mellow in humour. Now and then he laughs and claps his hands_]

CAIUS

Her dark complexion, gentlemen, signifies death. Wash them, and they are almost white. People think Egyptians are niggers--all a mistake. I knew a girl in Memphis--her name was Saidee--almost as white as anybody. [_The girl begins to shed veils_] There it is, plain enough. The man is dying. Casting off this mortal coil. Dying by inches. First his feet, then his arms, then his stomach, then his lungs, then his--and so on. [_The girl squats, and wriggles about_] Death struggles. Poor fellow doesn't want to go. Thinks he is too young. [_She leaps into the air_] Last gasp. You can almost hear it. [_She begins to whirl_] Getting dizzy. Scared. Sends for the priest. [_The music slackens a bit_] Prayers. [_Louder and faster again_] Too late. It's all up. [_A wild leaping about_] Throw out the reverend and send for the embalmers. [_She leaps into the fountain_] The soul takes flight. [_She is now almost naked. The water plays upon her_] Nothing left but the body. Hardly a stitch on. Have to strip 'em, of course, to pickle 'em. Very interesting process. They keep for ever. [_The girl now launches into her final cavortings_] This shows the soul in the Egyptian heaven. Very subtle symbolism. Every wriggle means something. I remember--

[_During this last speech_, LUCIA _has quietly slipped into the fore-scene, from the door to the right_. RUFINIUS, _of course, observes her at once, and is visibly startled and alarmed. But those in the banquet hall, at first, do not see her._ HELIOGABALUS _and_ DACIA _are watching the dancer, and chuckling over_ CAIUS' _exposition. The guests, with veil after veil coming off, see nothing else. It is_ CAIUS _whose eyes first take her in. He halts, glances swiftly at_ HELIOGABALUS, _and then at_ LUCIA _again. But before his eyes are followed by_ HELIOGABALUS, LUCIA _has spoken_]

LUCIA

[_In round, resonant tones_] For shame!

[HELIOGABALUS _has been lolling with his arm around_ DACIA. _The words electrify him. He leaps to his feet, and stands there for a second as if thunderstruck and speechless_]

LUCIA

[_Her arms folded, standing firmly, as if defying the universe to move her_] For shame!

[_The music stops and the dancer collapses._ CAIUS _grasps the table unsteadily. A dozen other guests leap to their feet. There is a dead silence_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Taking a step forward_] Hell!

LUCIA

You may well say hell. There is nothing in hell itself--

HELIOGABALUS

[_Conciliatingly, coming down the steps_] Now, now, my dear. Really, you must--

LUCIA

Don't touch me, Beelzebub!

HELIOGABALUS

Oh, I say, darling! [_He is patently nonplussed. He turns 'round to his guests_] Gentlemen--[_A deprecating, apologetic gesture_] You will pardon me. My stomach, unluckily--

[_He comes down to the corridor floor, and the two centurions swiftly and discreetly draw the hangings. In doing so they accidentally uncover a corner of_ SIMON, _but it is only for an instant, and they don't notice it. Neither does_ RUFINIUS, _who has retired to the right_. DACIA _has come out with_ HELIOGABALUS, _but she slips quietly to the left and stands against the wall, silent during the ensuing scene_]

LUCIA

[_Oratorically_] For less than this the flames consumed Sodom and Gomorrah! That woman was naked!

HELIOGABALUS

[_Weakly_] But she was a _coloured_ woman, my dear. Didn't you notice?

LUCIA

This infamy must end! A scarlet woman naked before you--and a scarlet woman in your arms!

HELIOGABALUS

[_A sudden change of manner_] A what in my arms?

LUCIA

A scarlet woman!

[_It takes a moment for the charge to soak in, but when it does_ HELIOGABALUS _is completely changed. No more conciliation. He is furiously angry and shows it_]

HELIOGABALUS

A scarlet woman? That "scarlet woman" is my wife!

LUCIA

[_Still resolutely, but somewhat alarmed by his rage_] _I_ am your wife. Your _one_ wife.

HELIOGABALUS

_Are_ you? Well, that is something to be remedied. That is a curable disease. A "scarlet woman"! Think of it!

LUCIA

[_Now beginning to realize that she has gone too far_] You would put me away?

HELIOGABALUS

Either you put that crazy Christian balderdash away, or I put _you_ away. Once and for all time, I have got enough of it. I am Emperor here, and I must live like an Emperor, not like a slave. This praying shakes my nerves; water has given me a terrible stomach-ache; I have chills at night.

LUCIA

[_Rather weakly_] The Word--

HELIOGABALUS

Maybe, but not for me! Damn water! Damn the Christian style of kissing! Damn going to bed at ten o'clock! Damn--

LUCIA

[_Her hands over her ears_] Get thee behind me, Satan!

HELIOGABALUS

Satan! So Dacia is a scarlet woman, and I am Satan! And I thought I was Emperor of Rome! [_Wildly, showing that there was wine in his goblet_] For less than this, I have--

[_His fists clenched, he pauses_]

LUCIA

You can't harm me. The Lord is with me.

HELIOGABALUS

[_This last defiance determines him_] Oh, _is_ he? Then we'll see what he'll do for you when the alligators begin to sniff you. Guards!

[_As the centurions spring forward_, LUCIA _screams_]

LUCIA

[_In great terror_] Would you kill me?

[_But before the centurions can reach her or_ HELIOGABALUS _can reply_, SIMON _leaps from behind the hangings, his dagger drawn_]

SIMON

Stop, tyrant!

[HELIOGABALUS _steps back, startled, and for an instant the centurions hesitate in alarm_]

LUCIA

Help me, Simon!

SIMON

Lay a hand on this maiden and I'll--

[_He flourishes the dagger and makes at_ HELIOGABALUS, _but by this time the centurions have recovered their heads, and are immediately upon him_. RUFINIUS, _from the right, also leaps to the rescue, and in two seconds_ SIMON _is pinned from behind and his dagger is on the floor_. DACIA, _during all this, has screamed once or twice, but has not moved from her place. Sounds of music come from behind the hangings, and shouts of laughter--loud enough to show that the banqueters are very drunk, and do not hear the commotion in front_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ SIMON] So there you are!

SIMON

[_Almost incoherently_] Murderer! You would send your lawful wife to the lions! Pagan! Heathen! [_Rolling his eyes upward_] O Lord, watch over Thy servant! O Lord, send Thy lightnings to blast this heretic!

HELIOGABALUS

Bosh! Save all that O Lord business until you need it more. It won't be long. [_To_ RUFINIUS] Take this man to the circus, and have him chained--arm, leg and neck. There will be orders about him tomorrow morning. I'll want the iron stake and a couple of barrels of whale-oil.

[LUCIA _screams and rushes toward_ HELIOGABALUS _supplicatingly, but_ SIMON _drops on his knees in ecstasy. It gradually appears that he welcomes death--that he craves martyrdom_]

SIMON

[_His eyes rolling_] O Lord, I thank Thee! To die in Thy name! Lord, I thank Thee for this boon!

HELIOGABALUS

[_Astonished_] What!

LUCIA

I am to blame, not he. Let me--

SIMON

[_Still happy_] O Lord, I thank Thee for this boon--this martyrdom! I thank Thee!

HELIOGABALUS

Silence! What is the idiot doing?

LUCIA

He is happy that he may die for the Faith.

HELIOGABALUS

The Faith? What has the Faith to do with it? He is to die for an attempt at assault and battery.

LUCIA

It is all one.

HELIOGABALUS

Do you mean to say that murder is a part of Christianity?

LUCIA

No, but martyrdom is.

SIMON

[_To the centurions and_ RUFINIUS] Brothers, let us pray. Let me pray for you.

HELIOGABALUS

Never in the world! I have heard enough praying to last me for ever. [_To_ LUCIA, _still not quite able to comprehend it_] So he actually _wants_ to be burned?

LUCIA

[_Preachily_] He thirsts for paradise.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Humorously_] _Solomon's_, I guess! Well, I'm surely not going to accommodate him. [_To_ SIMON] Get up. [_To_ RUFINIUS _and the centurions_] Let him go. [_To_ SIMON] You are reprieved.

SIMON

[_Blubbering_] Cæsar, I--

HELIOGABALUS

Silence! I say you are reprieved. You are not going to get to paradise if _I_ can help it. [_To the centurions_] Take him out, give him a good cowhiding, and run him out of town. [_To_ SIMON] If you ever come back, off goes your Adam's apple. And I'll slice your nose flat with your face. Bear that in mind.

LUCIA

[_Heroically_] If he goes, then _I_ go too.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Overjoyed by the news, he is momentarily speechless; then_--] Oh, surely not! You don't mean to say that you--

LUCIA

Then _I_ go too!

HELIOGABALUS

But that's really too much! [_Bracing up perceptibly_] It's really more than I deserve, fair gooseberry!

LUCIA

[_Rising to eloquence_] I turn my back on Nineveh. Out there in the West--[_her arms flung wide toward the audience_]--_there_ is my work. There I shall preach the Word. Far from these Roman cities and the sins of men. There lies the future harvest of the Lord.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Appraising the audience. Somewhat doubtfully_] Um--well--I wish you luck. [_Eagerly_] But could you get ready in time? You see, Simon is leaving at once.

LUCIA

I go with him.

HELIOGABALUS

But your clothes? It will take you some time to pack.

LUCIA

The Lord's work is not done in fine raiment. As I am, so shall I preach the Word.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Very eager to get her off_] Nobly spoken. If you need any money--

LUCIA

I want no money. I shall pray for you.

HELIOGABALUS

[_In alarm_] But surely not here. This is no place for prayer. [_Indicating the banquet-room_] It's really rather too--er--riotous, isn't it? Pray for me after you get started. Pray for me out there--[_pointing in the direction of the audience_]--in the West.

LUCIA

I shall pray for you every day and every night.

HELIOGABALUS

Yes, yes--every night--out there--[_again pointing_]--in the West. And now I must get back to my guests. The centurions will see you off. I surely wish you every sort of luck. Let me hear from you now and then. Let me hear how your enterprise comes on. I'll send word that you are to be protected. A happy journey.

LUCIA

Fare you well! May the Lord keep you!

HELIOGABALUS

Thanks. Are you sure you don't need more clothes?

LUCIA

I need no worldly goods. My Faith, the Lord, are enough!

HELIOGABALUS

So you said. Well, then, good-bye and good luck! If you ever get into difficulties, don't hesitate to write to me. Simply "The Emperor, Rome," will reach me.

LUCIA

[_Going_] The Lord be with you.

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you.

LUCIA

The Lord forgive you!

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you.

LUCIA

The Lord bless you!

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you!

[_She goes out slowly, and_ RUFINIUS _and the centurions follow with_ SIMON]

SIMON

[_At the door_] I suffer for the Faith. I--

HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ RUFINIUS] Omit the cowhiding.

[_As they go out_, HELIOGABALUS _turns back alone_. DACIA _has been concealed by the opened door at the left_. HELIOGABALUS, _observing_ SIMON'S _dagger on the floor, picks it up and looks at it reflectively. He runs his hands along the blade. He applies the point to his breast. He tries the effect of the cold steel on his throat. Loud music from within, and a great crash. Laughter and applause_]

DACIA

[_Stepping forward, somewhat alarmed by his toying with the knife_] Be careful!

HELIOGABALUS

[_He gives a start and turns quickly_] There you are! And I was wondering what had become of you!

DACIA

I was here all the while.

HELIOGABALUS

Here?

DACIA

Over in the corner. [_Snuggling close to him_] I was awfully scared.

HELIOGABALUS

[_Now grandly brave_] Don't let it worry you, tender baby. It's the trade risk. If this stomach-ache of mine fetches me, or those quacks poison me with their pills, I'll be the first Roman Emperor to die in bed for two hundred years. [_Amorously_] But we don't want to think of such things, do we? It was worth risking my life to get rid of that theologian.

DACIA

[_Coyly_] I thought you--liked her.

HELIOGABALUS

Bah! I work so hard that sometimes my mind wanders. Then there is my stomach-ache. I thought she could cure it with that Christian magic of hers--that praying, and O Lording, and so on. But it didn't work.

DACIA

Poor dear! And now you have to go back to the awful banquet. [_Yells from within_]

HELIOGABALUS

[_Tenderly_] Do you want me to go back?

DACIA

I? What have I to do with it?

HELIOGABALUS

You have everything to do with it. Do you want me to?

DACIA

[_Half a whisper_] No.

[_There ensues a long kiss. The arm of coincidence provides a dreamy tune from the band behind the hangings_]

HELIOGABALUS

Let us cut the banquet! To hell with the banquet! What do you say?

DACIA

[_Like a naughty child_] To hell with the banquet!

HELIOGABALUS

[_Half to himself_] Imagine that Christian--[_taking her arm_] Come on! [_They sneak half-way across the stage. His eyes feast upon her. He halts a moment_] What wonderful hair!

[_They tiptoe off like truants as_

THE CURTAIN FALLS

THE END

Transcriber's Note: Italics are shown as _italics_.