Heliogabalus: A Buffoonery in Three Acts
ACT II
_Sometime in the middle of the year 221_ A.D.
_The scene is the cubicula nocturna, or bedroom, of the Emperor in the Palace. Time: 10_ P.M.
_A rather shallow and crowded apartment, with doors at the left and upper right, and a single window at the right. The Romans, of course, did not have beds of the sort we sleep in today. The thing they used was a sort of chaise-longue--that is, it had no foot-board._ HELIOGABALUS' _bed is to the left of the spectator, with its back against the back wall and its foot facing the footlights. Beside it, separated by a space of no more than two feet, is the huge bed of his wives. It is, in design, exactly like his own, but it is at least 20 feet wide. The bed-clothing stretches unbrokenly from side to side of it, but there are separate pillows--twelve of them, each embroidered with a large monogram in purple. The pillow with the "L"_ [_for_ LUCIA] _is nearest_ HELIOGABALUS' _bed. In the narrow space between this huge bed and_ HELIOGABALUS' _there is a small night table, and on it are a lamp and a bottle of water and goblet. This lamp furnishes the only light in the room. Twelve clothes-racks, piled with finery, are at the extreme right._
_As the curtain rises_, HELIOGABALUS _is propped up in bed, reading a scroll by the light of the lamp_. LUCIA _is the only occupant of the other bed. She is lying near the middle of it, and is thus about 10 feet from_ HELIOGABALUS.
HELIOGABALUS, _still holding the scroll in one hand, reaches over, pours out a goblet of water, looks at it sourly, makes a face, heaves a sigh, and drinks it_.
HELIOGABALUS
What stuff! No wonder I've still got the stomach-ache. [_Slowly rolling up the scroll as he gives it a final scrutiny_] Hm--hm--hm-- ...
LUCIA
[_After a pause, sleepily_] What have you been doing, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
Drinking that washing-water you make me drink, and reading.
LUCIA
Reading what?
HELIOGABALUS
Poetry.
LUCIA
[_Piously_] Poetry is corrupting.
HELIOGABALUS
I agree with you. Listen to this: [_Reading_]
We shall meet beyond the Jordan In the heavenly fields so fair; We shall meet our loved and lost ones-- There will be no parting there.
LUCIA
[_Somewhat uncertainly_] Who wrote it?
HELIOGABALUS
One of your Christian poets--Commodianus. What you call a hymn writer. It sickens me.
LUCIA
[_Challengingly_] I like it.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, and you also like the Song of Solomon. I blush for you, little sweetbread. The Song of Solomon is pretty raw stuff. It is astonishing what a few months of marriage will do to an otherwise modest girl.
LUCIA
[_Primly_] Solomon sang of Paradise.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, did he? But he took good care to fill Paradise with cuties. He had the imagination of a sailor. If Paradise is actually full of that sort of thing--if such didoes go on there--then all I can say is that--
LUCIA
Now don't start moralizing, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not? I am moral: why shouldn't I moralize? Is it a crime for a cow to give milk?
LUCIA
[_An exclamation of disgust_] Oh, you always--
HELIOGABALUS
I have been faithful to you, little pullet, for 180 days and, what's more, 180 _nights_. How's that for morals? I defy you to find me a Christian to match it, at any weight. Think of it! Here am I, still in the prime of life, Emperor of Rome, Pontifex Maximus and all the rest of it, and yet I am as virtuous as a convict in the death-house. Here am I without a glass of schnapps for six months. Here am I with twelve wives, at least five of them charming, and I lock eleven of them out, and--
LUCIA
You must obey the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I have obeyed it. And what do I get for it? I still have my stomach-ache. And the one wife I have left rolls over about half a mile, and leaves me to shiver over bad poetry. [_He throws the scroll on the floor_] My dear, you must allow something to my training. I am used to society at night. Loneliness always starts up my dyspepsia. How many times have I suddenly wakened and cast my eye over that bed and watched the sweet girls as they slumbered, or whispered to one another, or nudged one another, or giggled in their more or less perfect innocence. There was always at least _one_ awake. And when she saw me sitting up wearily, tortured by some business of state, she would crawl over and pour me out a drink of the real stuff, and then snuggle into bed with me, and stroke my hair, and--
LUCIA
There was always an Eye upon you. There was One who saw.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, if there was, then I call it damned bad form. Even the gods should have _some_ decency.
LUCIA
[_Horrified_] Decency?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, say good manners.
LUCIA
Now you blaspheme, Cæsar. You should pray.
HELIOGABALUS
I am willing. I have no objection to prayer--in its proper place. As you may recall, I was originally designed for the church: it was only accident that threw me into politics. But your proposal, now--your scheme of praying _here_ every evening--isn't it a bit vulgar?
LUCIA
What an idea!
HELIOGABALUS
Still, I can't rid myself of it. It haunts my conscience, so to speak. Just think of it a moment. Imagine praying in a--_bed_room! Don't you get a vague flavour of, say, impropriety? Isn't it a trifle--indelicate?
LUCIA
I think you are talking nonsense.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Reaching for the water-jug and pouring out another goblet_] Maybe I am. [_He takes a swallow, chokes and spits it out_] But isn't that precisely what a man seeks in marriage--a sort of virtuous nonsense? You forget the way I make a living, my cold little rabbit. My days are filled with gloomy duties. If I didn't look solemn as an owl the people would lose confidence in me. Say I go to the circus. There are twenty Jews in the arena, and the guards let out the lions. One Jew tries to climb up another Jew. Imagine the fun!
LUCIA
How you talk!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Rubbing his stomach, as if feeling a pain_] Nevertheless, it is actual fun, genuine humour--and I naturally want to squat on my little rearo, throw back my ears and yell. But I am the Emperor, and so I must keep my dignity. Every one else whoops and bawls, but if I go further than a snicker then it begins to be talked of in the barber-shops, and people say that I am drinking too much. [_He casts a self-pitying glance at the water-bottle_] Even as it is, a good many of them think that I am somewhat--flightier--than I ought to be. For example, consider my interest in you--especially my interest in your faith--this so-called Christianity of yours. Well, to _you_ it may be serious enough, but think how it must appear to the average respectable Roman. _He_ regards it as simply pishposh--and he thinks of _me_ much as he would think of me if he heard that I was interested in some sort of idiotic Egyptian sorcery.
LUCIA
[_Primly_] I see no possible connection.
HELIOGABALUS
Naturally not, little canary. You are not a Roman. Well, neither am I. I was born in Syria. I am hyphenated. But now to get to my point. First, my business all day is solemn; secondly, these little theological debates of ours in the evening are solemn. So you see what is the matter. I lack recreation. I lack--well, there is nothing to distract and mellow my mind.
LUCIA
[_With a touch of sarcasm_] Well, what do you suggest?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Brightening_] I suggest, first of all, little squash-pie, that you come over here and give your little papa a great big kiss.
LUCIA
[_Still primly_] You had better go to sleep.
HELIOGABALUS
What! At ten o'clock! That's another thing: this ten o'clock business. Really I--
LUCIA
It is time.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, it is time for a kiss. Plenty of time--time for a good, long, damp, sticky one. [_Wheedling, half rising_] Now, come on, Lucia! Be nice!
[_She rolls one eye at him, but doesn't answer. He projects one leg out of bed_]
HELIOGABALUS
Shall I? [_She rolls the other eye indifferently_] Do you dare me? I double-dare you to dare me!
[_She remains silent_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Now completely out of bed, and standing in the narrow space between the beds_] Well, here goes etiquette! Strictly speaking, my gumdrop, you should come to _me_. Remember, I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus. But let it go. Do I get the kiss?
LUCIA
[_With a stiff coquetry_] _A_ kiss--perhaps.
HELIOGABALUS
Only perhaps. And only _a_ kiss?
LUCIA
[_Slightly unbending_] Well, then, maybe--
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then maybe what?
LUCIA
Maybe _a_ kiss.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! Maybe _a_ kiss! And here I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus, not to say a husband! [_He climbs into the big bed and starts across toward_ LUCIA _on hands and knees. She begins to roll away from him_] Hey, there, little cocoanut, where are you going? [_He falls flat_] Halt! [_He gets in motion again_] Remember, sweet oyster: love, honour _and_ obey!
[LUCIA _eludes him, and he descends to various monkey-shines by way of wheedling her. He grabs a pillow and hurls it at her and she flings it back at him. Finally, to the tune of her screeches, he reaches her. He grabs her arm._
[_At this instant there is a heavy knocking at the door._ HELIOGABALUS _leaps back, and listens on hands and knees, ears up, in the attitude of a cocker-spaniel_]
HELIOGABALUS
Thirty thousand oh-hells!
LUCIA
[_Covering her ears with pillows_] Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
[_He crawls out of the big bed very clumsily, and into his own bed again_] Who is it? [_An unintelligible voice is heard outside_] Who? [_Another blubber_] What? [_Another_] Who? [_Another_]
LUCIA
It must be Rufinius.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, Rufinius! So it's Rufinius? And I told him I was--reading. [_He slides out of bed into the space between the two beds and grasps the heavy water-bottle by the neck_]
LUCIA
[_In alarm_] Don't hurt him!
HELIOGABALUS
Sh-h-h-h! [_The knock is repeated_] Sh-h-h-h! [_He takes a firm grip on the bottle_] Come in!
[_As the door opens and_ RUFINIUS' _head appears_, HELIOGABALUS _lets fly with the bottle. It misses_ RUFINIUS _by a foot, but he ducks back and slams the door. A moment's silence_]
HELIOGABALUS
I bet it singed him, anyway.
[_He climbs back into bed_]
LUCIA
You might have killed him.
HELIOGABALUS
_Might_ have killed him. I _ought_ to have killed him. I'll attend to it in the morning.
LUCIA
He thinks I made you throw that bottle at him. [_Pause_] He doesn't like me.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Wearily_] Nonsense. What makes you think so?
LUCIA
I just simply _know_ it.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Testily_] Hang this intuition! _How_ do you know it? What's the evidence?
LUCIA
[_Somewhat reluctantly_] Well, when I gave him a tract one day last week he wouldn't take it.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not?
LUCIA
He said he was a heathen, and proud of it. He said his father was a Gaulish prince and worshipped idols. I warned him of--hell-fire.
HELIOGABALUS
And what did he say to that?
LUCIA
He said--well, he said he had made up his mind to _go_ to hell.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Chuckling_] Good for old Rufinius! For that I'll have to let him off. Remind me _not_ to have him killed in the morning.
LUCIA
[_Querulously_] You seem to sympathize with him.
HELIOGABALUS
In a sense, yes. Things are not as they used to be--not as he likes them. Rufinius, you see, is getting old, and old fellows dislike changes.
LUCIA
Have I changed anything?
HELIOGABALUS
You surely have. The palace is not quite the--well, not quite what it used to be.
LUCIA
[_Defiantly_] The change is for the better, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Morally, yes. _Spiritually_, yes. But--er, _socially_, so to speak,--[_a pause_]--hardly. [_He climbs wearily into bed_] Almost I am persuaded--
LUCIA
[_Sniffling_] You are longing for those awful women. You want them back.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Trying to convince himself of his own earnestness_] No, no. Really not, I assure you. I feel like--like a man who has come out of a lion's cage into a--
LUCIA
Into a what?
HELIOGABALUS
[_At a loss_] Into a--er--into--
LUCIA
[_Banally_] Into Paradise?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Quickly_] Well, surely not into Solomon's Paradise! [_Bitterly_] Har, har!
LUCIA
Still, you miss them.
HELIOGABALUS
Of course I do. Wouldn't a man miss--well, whatever he has become accustomed to? Wouldn't he miss his underdrawers?
LUCIA
There you go again!
HELIOGABALUS
What have I done _now_? Mentioned underdrawers! Well, if a man isn't to mention his underdrawers to his wife, who _is_ he to talk about them to? And if he doesn't talk about them in a bedroom, _where_ is he to talk about them?
LUCIA
[_Primly_] Why talk about them at all?
HELIOGABALUS
Why? Simply because they _have_ to be talked about. [_With growing irascibility_] Don't their buttons come off? Don't they get lost in the wash? Don't they shrink? Don't they split up the back? Don't they tickle?
LUCIA
Well, why didn't you let me know it?
HELIOGABALUS
Know what?
LUCIA
That their buttons were off, and--
HELIOGABALUS
But they are _not_ off. I was merely arguing. I used an illustration. As we Christians say, I spoke in a parable.
LUCIA
I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why don't you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Wearily_] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble _used_ to be that I didn't get sleep _enough_. But now--! [_He composes himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and whining_] I've got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[_Raising herself and gazing at him_] Are you cold, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Bitterly_] Who'd care if I froze to death?... And why do you persist in always calling me _Cæsar_? It's so darned stiff and unbedroomy. My old wives used to call me pet names--like Helio and Gabby.
LUCIA
[_After a pause, archly_] Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_He sits up quickly, and stares at her_] Say that again. Louder.
LUCIA
Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_With a sigh_] You say it just as you might say, "Will you have another plate of fish-soup?"
LUCIA
But _would_ you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Meditatively_] Well, I dare say it might make me forget my stomach-ache--if it was a real kiss. [_With elaborate manner_] Am I to understand that you have an itch in that direction?
LUCIA
[_Taken aback_] Itch?
HELIOGABALUS
Pardon an old soldier, little moonstone. I should say an inclination, an impulse--a prompting.
LUCIA
[_Getting out of bed_] Now I'll show you, Cæsar, that I do love you, with a Christian love.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Somewhat at a loss_] Positively, darling, you alarm me.
[_She has got to_ HELIOGABALUS' _bed by now. She enters the space between the two beds, and he sits up and takes her by the waist_]
LUCIA
There!
[_She kisses him--but very formally and briefly_]
HELIOGABALUS
Ah!
LUCIA
Now, Cæsar, you _know_ I love you.
HELIOGABALUS
No; so far I merely suspect it. What is needed is corroboration. Now for another, sweet icebox--and let it be a bit more easy and dreamy. Let yourself go a bit. Don't hold your breath. Don't--forgive me, little one--be so gol-darned Christian.
[_A long one, during which, his arms about her_, LUCIA _tries to fight away from him. As they fall apart_ LUCIA _grasps the bed for support_]
LUCIA
[_Her hands to her face_] Oh!
HELIOGABALUS
You may well say "Oh!" Many a woman lives and _dies_ without ever getting _such_ a kiss.
LUCIA
[_Startled_] It took my breath.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Not without pride_] I dare say. [_Hospitably_] But aren't you chilly out there? Why not come in?
LUCIA
[_Suddenly covering her face with her hands_] Oh, those other women! Those awful women!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Patting her shoulder_] Forget them! I expunge them from the minutes! I'll get rid of them--all of them!
[_At this_, PAULA, _who has been concealed under_ HELIOGABALUS' _bed, suddenly pops out her head_. HELIOGABALUS _and_ LUCIA, _of course, cannot see her. Her face mirrors the utmost indignation and she strains her head to hear better_]
LUCIA
All of them? Even that fat old Paula?
HELIOGABALUS
Purge your mind of all concern, darling. I'll have Paula poisoned in the morning. She has lived too long.
LUCIA
[_Horrified_] Oh, never! I won't have her poisoned.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, I'll marry her off to old Caius Macrinus--and ship them both to Persia.
LUCIA
But the others?
HELIOGABALUS
I'll marry off the whole crowd to Caius. The old souse deserves it.
LUCIA
[_Insinuatingly_] Even that pretty one--that Dacia?
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, either marry her off [_weakening_] or send her home to her mama. But enough of this. You'll catch your death of cold.
LUCIA
[_Without warmth, as if speaking to her father_] Is there room?
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, surely. [_He moves over and she climbs in_] Let me help you. [_He gives her a hand and she crawls under the covers. He then puts his arm around her, and they sit up together_] After all, confess that this _is_ better than the farm over there. Now isn't it? When I crawl in there I feel like a lost orphan. Do you remember how I mislaid you the other night? I thought you had fallen out of bed, but there you were all the while, eighteen feet away. And now--
[_Another kiss_]
LUCIA
Cæsar, you are so--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Puffing out his chest_] I thought you'd like it. But it really takes me some time to get into form. Now tell me the truth: this is really nicer than praying, isn't it?
LUCIA
[_Tremulously_] I'm afraid it is--sometimes.
HELIOGABALUS
_Afraid_ it is? What are you afraid of?
LUCIA
[_Relapsing into the Christian_] We are taught that--
HELIOGABALUS
Now there you go with that Christianity again! You are taught, are you? Well, I'll teach you something easier to learn. I am the old professor! Now to proceed with the lesson--
[_Another kiss. Toward its end there is a knock at the door._ HELIOGABALUS _draws back and glances over his shoulder, but quickly resumes the buss. Another knock_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a sudden rage_] Say, what do they think this is? A farce? If it's that old interrupting wheeze Rufinius again, off go both his legs! And both ears! And maybe a bud or two of nose!
[LUCIA _in terror leaps from the bed and into her own bed. Another knock at the door_]
LUCIA
You had better let him in. If it wasn't important, he surely wouldn't risk his life.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Obviously impressed by the notion_] Maybe you are right. But let me take at least one more shot at him as he comes in. I won't kill him. All I want to do is to cripple him. [_Gets out of bed, but before he can find a missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent, and he gives it up_] Come in!
[_The door opens ever so little._ RUFINIUS _thrusts his hand through the crack. When nothing strikes it, he follows with his head, very warily. As he comes in_ PAULA _draws in her head_]
RUFINIUS
Your Majesty's pardon! I ask pardon!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Severely_] Well, alarm clock?
RUFINIUS
A very important matter. [_He glances about him, his eyes alighting on_ LUCIA] For your Majesty's private ear. Perhaps it would be better--
HELIOGABALUS
Let's hear it.
RUFINIUS
[_He comes closer_] I really think--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Testily_] Go on with your story, kill-joy.
[RUFINIUS _drops his voice so that his words are not audible. The purport of the dialogue must be revealed by_ HELIOGABALUS' _answers and exclamations. While it is elaborately going on, with the backs of both turned to the bed_, PAULA _pokes out her head and listens intently_. LUCIA, _sitting up in bed, also tries hard to hear, but it is improbable that she catches more than an occasional word_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Aloud_] Make it short. I'm very busy. [RUFINIUS _whispers, and_ HELIOGABALUS _suddenly grows interested and somewhat alarmed_] What do they want?... I thought they were all sound asleep over in the North Wing.... She _isn't_? What! A riot--and Paula not in it? Then where _is_ she?... Go find her. I know she's behind it.... And get the rest to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed.... Tell them I absolutely order it.
[_A noise outside, and a woman's scream_]
LUCIA
[_From the bed, in alarm_] What was that?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Over his shoulder, reassuringly_] Nothing, my dear. Stay in bed like a nice girl.
LUCIA
[_Half out_] You are having some one killed!
HELIOGABALUS
Bosh! Stay in bed! [_To_ RUFINIUS] Get them back in the North Wing, and post a guard at--
[_He is cut short by a terrific uproar outside. Women screaming. The sound of a bugle. The clank of swords. Loud and prolonged military orders. A man's voice_: "Let go!" _A woman's_: "Stick him in the eye!"
[HELIOGABALUS _and_ RUFINIUS _turn toward the closed door and gape at it dumbfounded, apparently disinclined to open it and face the music. As they move toward it irresolutely_, PAULA _rolls from under the bed, leaps to her feet, dashes between them, blows a loud whistle, gets to the door, and throws it open_]
PAULA
Come in, girls! I am with you!
[_At this_, LUCIA, _still in bed, screams shrilly, and_ HELIOGABALUS _and_ RUFINIUS _fall back. As the door swings open_ CÆLESTIS _bounds in with a Praetorian guard dragging behind her. At sight of the imperial bed-chamber, he is so far overcome that he lets go and rushes out again. In the doorway, he collides with_ AQUILIA SEVERA, ANNIA FAUSTINA _and_ ALINIA, _all in a great state of excitement. They knock him over, and leap into the room, glaring about them truculently_]
PAULA
[_Levelling a melodramatic forefinger at_ HELIOGABALUS] There he is! He was plotting to poison all of us!
[_Obviously_, PAULA _strikes_ HELIOGABALUS _with a good deal of terror. He backs away from her, and keeps a safe distance while she declaims. She takes the centre of the stage at once, the other wives grouped behind her. After her accusation there is a moment of electric silence. She fixes_ HELIOGABALUS _with a glare_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Weakly_] Oh, surely you exaggerate. I--
PAULA
Me first, and then the rest of you. I heard it with my own ears. And I heard a lot besides. Such talk! I lay there under the bed blushing.
LUCIA
[_Sitting up in bed_] You _ought_ to blush, you--you--you--
[_She is overcome by indignation_]
PAULA
Out of my bed, you--you--you!
LUCIA
You--you--you--!
PAULA
No more of this Christian monkey-business! Into the street you go, where you came from!
LUCIA
Do you _dare_--!
PAULA
Yes, the street. I saw you myself. I saw you haranguing those loafers, and singing songs, and passing a soup-plate for coppers.
LUCIA
[_Leaping from bed_] I refuse to allow you to say that. I was preaching the Word. I was seeking souls.
PAULA
[_Moving toward her truculently_] Um-hum! I know what you were seeking. You had one eye on the Palace all the while.
LUCIA
[_In high indignation_] There is not a word of truth in it. It is infamous.
PAULA
Bah!
THE OTHER WIVES
Bah! Bah!
LUCIA
I was on my Master's business.
PAULA
And I am here on my _own_ business. I'll give you two minutes to get out of this room--and stay out.
[HELIOGABALUS, _observing that both sides have forgotten him, gives a sardonic wink and tiptoes upstage toward his bed. He carefully and quietly crawls in, fixes the pillow behind him, and settles down to observe the row._ RUFINIUS _sneaks toward the door_]
LUCIA
Never in the world! This is _my_ room now. It has been sanctified!
PAULA
Sanctified nothing. It's _my_ room--_our_ room. You never were _legally_ married to the Emperor. You are nothing but a--
LUCIA
Oh, what a lie! I was married by my own pastor.
PAULA
Yes, by one of your Christian street-preachers. I've seen him! He looks like a drum-major. But this is Rome, and--
LUCIA
[_Explosively_] Well, when it comes to _that_, what of yourself? Where did _you_ come from? Doesn't everybody know that you were a chamber-maid in Alexandria?
PAULA
[_Sputtering_] I was nothing of the sort, you--! My father was a general in the army.
ANNIA
_My_ father was Governor of Macedonia.
LUCIA
[_Leaping at the chance_] Oh, _was_ he? And who was your first husband?
[_The boaster is abashed_]
LUCIA
I'll tell you. His name was Pomponius Bassus--and he was _hanged_.
[_The boaster begins to snivel, and_ PAULA _comes to the rescue_]
PAULA
[_Grandly_] And he deserved it. The way he treated that poor, dear--
LUCIA
Yes, and he was hanged six weeks _after_ that hussy came here and tempted poor Cæsar.
[HELIOGABALUS _turns over in the bed_]
PAULA
A thumping lie! I remember every detail of it. It wasn't six weeks at all.... And now you throw on your clothes and get out of here! Out with you!
LUCIA
I shall do absolutely nothing of the sort.
PAULA
This free love stuff has got to stop. And it's _my_ place to see that it--
LUCIA
It's your place to turn all these heathen women out of the palace, and then turn yourself out, and so save the Emperor from such sinful--
PAULA
You're a common man-teaser.
LUCIA
You are an old scare-crow!
PAULA
I'll have you thrown out of the door!
LUCIA
I'll have _you_ thrown out of the window!
PAULA
You are a loose woman!
LUCIA
You _used_ to be a loose woman!
[_The shot injures poor old_ PAULA _so badly that she jumps at_ LUCIA _and grabs her by the arm, shaking her furiously_]
PAULA
I _dare_ you to say such a thing!
LUCIA
Let me go, you--you--infidel! I'll--
[_She wrests herself free and deals_ PAULA _a clout over the head_. PAULA _lunges at her with vast ferocity, but she quickly delivers another blow. A huge uproar._ HELIOGABALUS _stretches his neck to see it_. RUFINIUS _several times steps forward as if to interfere, but always thinks better of it_. PAULA _has the advantage of weight, but_ LUCIA _is by far the more agile. Various shrill exclamations_ "Oh, you will, will you? Take that! Ouch! Oh, my ear! Whoop!" etc. _To the extreme right, beyond the large bed, is the fleet of coat-racks, each enormously laden with feminine finery._ PAULA _backs_ LUCIA _into them, but straightway comes to grief herself, for_ LUCIA _upsets the nearest upon her, and, when she falls, heaves another after it_. PAULA, _completely buried in clothes, yells for help, and the three other wives, who have so far done no more than encourage her with shouts, now come to the attack_. LUCIA, _leaping behind another rack, pushes it at them, and it halts them. Then, seeing herself outdone by numbers, she calls for help herself_]
LUCIA
Oh, oh! Help! Help, Cæsar! Save me!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Crawling from the bed quietly and idiotically_] Did I hear you call? What's the trouble? Have you dropped something?
LUCIA
[_At the top of her lungs_] These filthy creatures are trying to kill me!
PAULA
[_Under the pile of clothes_] She _bit_ me!
[_The other wives unearth_ PAULA _and stand her on her feet. It is seen that she has a black eye._ LUCIA _retreats to the door at the left and stands there at bay. The other wives haul_ PAULA _toward the centre of the stage_. HELIOGABALUS _crosses to a place between_ LUCIA _and the others_]
LUCIA
[_Hysterically_] That old washtub tried to stab me.
PAULA
[_Breaking from the others, her hand on her black eye_] It's a dirty lie! She kicked me in the--
LUCIA
She called me awful names!
CÆLESTIS
I saw her draw a dagger!
HELIOGABALUS
Stop! Be quiet! What sort of bar-room row is this? Do you know where you are?
PAULA
I am in my own room. This room is mine.
AQUILIA
And ours.
PAULA
Yes, and theirs.
LUCIA
[_Furiously_] It's mine!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Decisively_] It's _mine_. [_Coolly, with judicial poise_] And it wouldn't be going too far, ladies, to say that I am scandalized by such proceedings. I really am. In all my experience, embracing many long years and the whole Roman empire, from Britain in the far North to Persia in the extreme--
PAULA
[_Bursting into tears_] You bring in a woman off the streets--
LUCIA
[_In tears, too_] You let an old unbelieving harridan, a disreputable old--
HELIOGABALUS
As I was saying, ladies, in all my--
PAULA
I demand that that creature be put out!
LUCIA
I demand my rights as your wife!
HELIOGABALUS
Really, my dear, you must excuse me. On this point the principles of jurisprudence are quite clear. A judge is plainly forbidden to sit in a case in which he has an interest. If he has an interest in _one_ side it is enough. If he has an interest in _both_ sides, then surely--
LUCIA
Both sides?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly.
LUCIA
Do you mean to say that you are interested in the side of this--this fat old--this--?
HELIOGABALUS
Rid your mind of prejudice, my dear. Observe the thing calmly and judicially. Granting all you say--though I am by no means granting it--the fact remains nevertheless that according to Roman--if not Christian--law, I am married to this lady--these ladies--and that that marriage--those marriages--is and are still legally binding. With the fact go certain obligations. I may deplore, as much as you do, their somewhat unwise and emotional appear--
LUCIA
Oh, what a--!
HELIOGABALUS
All I ask is that you try to--
LUCIA
Then you don't love me.
ANNIA
The idea!
HELIOGABALUS
I protest, my dear, that--
LUCIA
[_Bursting into tears_] Then you don't love me! Then you told me a falsehood! You aren't a Christian! I--I--I--
[_Quite undone by her feelings, she suddenly hides her face in her hands, darts to the left-hand door, swings it open, runs out, and slams it after her_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Starting toward the door after her_] My dear girl, I--
PAULA
[_Resolutely_] Let her go!
HELIOGABALUS
But she'll catch cold out there. Remember, she has on a very light--
CÆLESTIS
Very light nothing. It's flannel. Anyway, she deserves to catch cold.
HELIOGABALUS
Really, Cælestis, you are quite savage.
PAULA
Who wouldn't be, the way we have been treated? [_Conciliatingly_] But I say nothing against _you_. I know how you are when such a minx gets after you.
HELIOGABALUS
Let us not discuss it.
PAULA
[_Bitterly_] No; what's the use? I have had eighteen years of it--first in the East and now here in Rome. I know you can't help it, poor old dear. One glance at such a doll and you are gone. [_To the other wives_] And now let us try to forget it. It's getting late.
[_Instantly they begin to take off their outer garments and let down their hair_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_In alarm_] What are you doing?
PAULA
[_Grimly_] Getting ready to go to bed. We are sleepy.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear--look, there is Rufinius still in the room!
[_The wives glance at_ RUFINIUS, _scream and try to hide themselves_. RUFINIUS, _much embarrassed, ducks out of the door_]
PAULA
[_With a bitter grin_] Well, now he's gone.
[_She continues disrobing_]
HELIOGABALUS
But, but--this is really quite irregular. Let us wait until we are all a bit less excited, as it were. Now be a good girl. [_Wheedlingly_] Go back to bed in the North Wing, and let me collect my thoughts a bit.
PAULA
Here I am, and here I stay.
[_She throws her girdle over one of the coat-racks_]
HELIOGABALUS
But in a minute Lucia'll be coming back, and then--
[_He frantically begins dressing and racing against the undressers_]
PAULA
If she comes back, I'll bite her again.
[_She kicks off her sandals_]
AQUILIA
[_Emerging in nothing save a short shift_] Do you think _we_ would sleep in a bed with such a creature?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Drawing his tunic over his head in wild alarm_] But the poor girl must sleep _somewhere_.
PAULA
Let her sleep out in the corridor.
[_She drops her outer dress and stands forth in a grotesque chemise, decorated with little blue ribbons. The sight so far appals_ HELIOGABALUS _that disgust is converted into indignation and indignation into resolution_]
HELIOGABALUS
Very well, then. If _she_ must sleep out there, then _I_ sleep out there too!
[_He is now pretty fully dressed and struggles into his sandals_]
PAULA
[_Somewhat shaken_] You're not going to leave us?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Adjusting his tunic_] I _am_ going to leave _us_!
PAULA
Leave us here all alone?
HELIOGABALUS
Aren't there four of you?
PAULA
But with not a man in the room?
ANNIA
[_Whimpering_] Suppose burglars should break in?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sarcastically_] Paula can deal with them.
PAULA
[_In tears_] No, I can't!
HELIOGABALUS
Then let Rufinius come in. He can have my bed.
PAULA
[_With a yell_] The idea! Do you accuse me of--
HELIOGABALUS
[_At the door to the extreme left_] I accuse you of nothing. [_Opening the door_] And now--
[_As he throws the door open_, LUCIA _is revealed. She has been eavesdropping and is much distraught_]
LUCIA
[_In a faint voice_] I am cold.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Uncertainly_] I was just coming out to--
LUCIA
[_Catching sight of the wives_--PAULA _in the middle of the floor in her chemise and the other three in bed--she gives a scream and totters toward the centre of the stage. There she does a grand faint at_ PAULA'S _feet_]
PAULA
[_Leaping back_] Oh, my God!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Solemnly_] You have killed her. She has frozen to death.
PAULA
[_Alarmed_] I did nothing of the sort. She went out of her own free will.
AQUILIA
[_Jumping from bed_] Get her into bed, quick!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Reaching down and grabbing her under the arms_] Get her into _my_ bed.
[_The other wives pile out, and help_ PAULA _and_ HELIOGABALUS _to carry her to his bed_]
PAULA
[_Snivelling_] I wouldn't have hurt her for the world.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell Rufinius to get those two doctors I pardoned.
[PAULA, _still in her chemise, rushes to the door, flings it open and exits_]
CÆLESTIS
Rub her wrists.
ANNIA
Have you a key? Try a key at the back of her neck.
HELIOGABALUS
Cover her up!
AQUILIA
Try massaging her ears.
HELIOGABALUS
Go get some water.
[AQUILIA _rushes to the door, flinging it open just in time to admit_ PISO _and_ POLORUS. _They come in at a gallop, followed by_ RUFINIUS, PAULA _and a slave pushing a wheeled table covered with huge bottles, rolls of plasters, etc. The scene must move at lightning speed_]
PISO
[_Idiotically, in great excitement_] Which is the patient? [_He looks from one wife to another, and then observes_ LUCIA _on the bed_] Ah!
POLORUS
[_Crowding to the front_] Pass me the brandy.
PISO
Brandy? On what theory?
POLORUS
This is no time for theories, idiot! The patient needs help.
PISO
Well, how are you going to help her until you establish the diagnosis?
POLORUS
What could be plainer? A horse-doctor could see that she has fainted.
[_He proceeds to pour out a large drink of the brandy_]
PISO
[_Very learnedly_] Suppose it is _coma_? Suppose she has been _poisoned_?
[PAULA _gives a shriek_]
POLORUS
Nonsense! Then where is your cyanosis?
[_He proceeds to lift_ LUCIA'S _head and pour some of the brandy into her mouth_]
PISO
Stop! I forbid it!
[_During this rapid dialogue the three other wives flutter about, and_ HELIOGABALUS _and_ PAULA _crowd close to the bed_]
POLORUS
[_Continuing with the brandy_] I stand on my Hippocratic oath. I insist on the brandy.
PISO
I appeal to your decency. Don't kill the patient. [PAULA _screams again_] Let me feel her pulse.
POLORUS
Stand back! You are suffocating her!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Losing patience_] Here, fools! Give me the goblet.
[_He seizes it and pours half of its contents down_ LUCIA'S _throat. She gasps, coughs, gags and then gradually sits up. As she opens her eyes she sights_ PAULA]
LUCIA
[_An exclamation of terror_] Oh! Oh! Take her away!
[PAULA _hops back in great confusion_]
PAULA
[_Ingratiatingly_] Don't be afraid, dearie.
LUCIA
[_Screams_] She tried to stab me!
PAULA
[_In great excitement_] The idea! I never did anything--
LUCIA
I can see the devil standing behind her!
[PAULA _swings about quickly to look behind her, loses her balance, throws up her arms, and falls down with a crash_]
PAULA
Help!
POLORUS
[_Rushing to the rescue_] Brandy! Brandy!
[_A great hub-bub. The wives crowd around_]
PISO
[_Shrilly, over the tumult_] I forbid it!
HELIOGABALUS
Give her air!
[POLORUS _applies the brandy jug to_ PAULA'S _lips and she begins to gurgle, gag and blubber_]
PAULA
[_Still gasping, and rising to a sitting position on the floor_] That Christian tried to put a spell on me. She has the evil eye.
LUCIA
[_Shrilly, from the bed_] There _are_ devils in her! She is like the Gadarene swine.
PAULA
[_Struggling to her feet, assisted by the doctors, the other wives and_ HELIOGABALUS] Liar!
LUCIA
She is possessed by demons, Cæsar.
PAULA
[_Again in great fright_] Let me out of here! I feel something coming over me!
AQUILIA
I feel it, too. I--I--
[_She flops across the big bed._ POLORUS _leaps to the rescue with the brandy-jug, but as he reaches her she sits up and knocks it out of his hand_]
PISO
[_Prancing about_] Where is the ammonia? Who has the ammonia bottle?
[_He searches for it on the wheeled table, but can't find it_]
PAULA
Let me out! Let me out!
POLORUS
Ammonia your grandmother! Where are the sedatives? Who took the poppy-water? Where is the poppy-water?
[_He makes a wild search for it_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Quietly_] I think you're right. They need something to calm their nerves. [_He finds and seizes the bottle_] Ah, here it is! Ammonia would half kill them.
PISO
I protest!
PAULA
I want to get out of here.
[RUFINIUS _tries to calm her_]
HELIOGABALUS
One second, darling. [_As_ POLORUS _offers her a goblet of the poppy-water_] Now be a nice little girl, and swallow this medicine. It will make you dream beautifully.
PAULA
[_Dubiously_] What is it, doctor?
HELIOGABALUS
Never ask a doctor what anything is. Remember your manners. He mightn't know. It will make you dream that you are seventeen, and in love with a gladiator.
PAULA
You're sure it won't hurt me?
POLORUS
Oh, absolutely no.
PISO
I--
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ PISO] Silence! [_To_ PAULA] Now down with it.
[_She drinks it, and at once grows somewhat calmer. Gradually she succumbs, and by the time she goes out she is very sleepy_]
PAULA
[_Smacking her lips_] It tastes like--it tastes like--
POLORUS
Exactly. And now for the other ladies. Who's next?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sharply_] Cælestis!
[_The wife on the bed struggles up and comes forward_]
POLORUS
[_The goblet in hand_] Ready?
HELIOGABALUS
Shut your eyes!
[CÆLESTIS _swallows the dose without a word_]
POLORUS
[_Refilling the goblet_] Next!
HELIOGABALUS
Come, Aquilia.
AQUILIA
[_Doubtfully_] It won't make me fat?
POLORUS
Oh, surely not.
AQUILIA
You're positive?
HELIOGABALUS
Positive. Down with it. [_She swallows the dose_] And now little Annia. One, two, three!
[POLORUS _fills the goblet again and it goes down immediately_]
POLORUS
Ah! So much for that!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Herding the wives toward the door_] And now you girls try to get some rest, and leave the doctors with poor Lucia. I'm afraid it may be a case for immediate operation. They'll have to examine her from head to foot.
LUCIA
[_From the bed_] I won't have any operation! I won't be examined from head to foot! The power of the spirit is enough.
PISO
Oh, hardly.
LUCIA
[_Petulantly_] I refuse to be cut up!
HELIOGABALUS
Now, now, be calm. Look at the other girls. [_To_ PAULA] And now try to get some rest. I'll come out to see you immediately after the operation. [_Moving her toward the door, the others following_] Take things easily for--
PAULA
I feel so--
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, yes, but you'll feel better presently.
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ POLORUS _in a hoarse whisper_] Give them all another dose--a double dose. Especially Paula. She has the stomach of a policeman.
[_The wives wobble out, followed by_ POLORUS, _the slave with the table of medicines, and_ RUFINIUS. _Only_ PISO _remains_]
PISO
[_Ingratiatingly_] Your Majesty's excellent suggestion of an operation is--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Turning with great deliberation, and kicking_ PISO _in the rear_] Out!
[PISO, _after an instant of amazement, leaps for the door and disappears_]
LUCIA
That Paula is an old hyena, Cæsar. She tried to bite me.
HELIOGABALUS
[_He seats himself on the edge of the big bed, his legs swinging in the open space between the two beds. His manner is that of weariness and resignation_] Yes, she's somewhat--explosive. I am afraid she's sometimes unwise in the use of--er, stimulants?
LUCIA
Afraid? She's been drunk for months--ever since--
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, she's taken it very hard.
LUCIA
[_Somewhat oratorically_] Wine is a mocker. Strong drink is raging.
HELIOGABALUS
A mocker, yes--but also a consoler. Don't forget that poor old Paula must have time to get used to things. I daresay the new regulations rather oppress her.
LUCIA
You mean she longs for all those old dissipations--those banquets every night, and all that worldly carnality--and this room full of those awful women?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly, though I doubt that she'd describe it in just that way. You see, she was brought up in Alexandria--a rather lively burg. It's all a matter of training. Here she had certain responsibilities, certain interesting duties--
LUCIA
Yes, I know what those duties were. They were sinful in the sight of God.
HELIOGABALUS
Perhaps. Nevertheless, they occupied her mind. Let us be just to her. She was competent. She knew her business. I never had any trouble with those girls while _she_ was in charge of them.
LUCIA
Those scarlet women!
HELIOGABALUS
Now you are exaggerating. They are all quite respectable. My marriage to every one of them is, as I've told you, sound in Roman law.
LUCIA
But not in the eye of God. The Scripture says "A bishop shall have but one wife."
HELIOGABALUS
But I'm not a bishop.
LUCIA
Well, surely no one ought to be allowed more wives than a bishop.
HELIOGABALUS
Granted. But here they are.
LUCIA
Turn them away. Read the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
[_A bit irritated_] Yes, yes; I have read it. The theory is very lovely. It has affected me greatly; I have adopted it as you know. But here I have these girls legally on my hands, and surely you wouldn't ask me to--
LUCIA
You should be glad to get rid of them. Such a pack of--of--
HELIOGABALUS
Now, now, I must really forbid you. Paula, of course, is open to a certain criticism, at least æsthetically. And Cælestis is probably no stunner. But among the others there are certainly a number who--
LUCIA
[_Tearfully_] You don't love me in the proper Christian way!
HELIOGABALUS
What nonsense! I love you to an extreme degree. [_He takes up and kisses her hand_] My affection for you is really colossal. But let us be just. Surely it's absurd to say that _all_ of them are--well, offensive. There are surely exceptions.
LUCIA
[_Resolutely_] Not one.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, come now. For example, there is Dacia. I haven't seen her for these long months, but I remember her quite clearly. Surely Dacia has a certain charm. She is young, she has a good complexion, she sings very acceptably, and she--
LUCIA
I see what is the matter. You are homesick for her and her kind. For her and the old infidel life.
HELIOGABALUS
Not at all. I merely remember her. That's all. I merely remember. A toothsome girl. But a lady. Her father was a philosopher in Athens ... she wasn't in that crowd. She is naturally affectionate.
LUCIA
And kissing all the time, I suppose. Never a moment for the things of the spirit. Always the flesh.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, by no means. I really wouldn't have permitted it. I quite agree with you there. Such things may be overdone. At my age.
LUCIA
But you like it, don't you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Looking at her sharply_] Yes--on occasion. But there is where I agree with you: that is the precise reason why the thing should be limited. [_A bit wistfully_] If one kissed too much, one would be too happy. And that, of course, wouldn't do at all.
LUCIA
The happiness of this life is as dust.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Grudgingly_] So you tell me.
LUCIA
The happiness to come is eternal.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I hope so. But, you see, my trouble is old Paula's. I was brought up wrong. I suppose it is incurable. I notice, at times, an almost irresistible lasciviousness--what you call worldliness. [_Amorously_] When I see you there in your nightie I forget all about Christianity and can hardly resist the temptation to throw my arms around you and give you a hug. I know it's wrong, but there it is.
LUCIA
[_Somewhat shaken_] Well, I shouldn't call it lasciviousness. And it isn't exactly wrong.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Ironically_] No?
LUCIA
The Scriptures say--
HELIOGABALUS
Ah? Then let us be glad they approve it, little pot-pie. It is pleasant to be virtuous--that is, more or less.
LUCIA
[_Demurely after a pause_] Do you want to kiss me?
HELIOGABALUS
[_He begins slowly to take off his tunic. As he answers, it is over his head_] I am perfectly willing. But, I warn you, I'm not going to stand any more Christian kisses. And what's more, if I'm interrupted any more by any low-comedy Palais Royal knocking on that dog-gone door just as I am on the point of--
[_He is duly cut short by a loud knocking on the door. He tries to get out of his tunic quickly, and then, thinking better of it, decides to let it down again_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Wrathfully_] What is it now? [_An unintelligible answer from without_] Hey? [_Another mumble_] I can't hear you. Come in.
[_Enter_ RUFINIUS. _He stops near the door and glances at_ LUCIA _dubiously_]
RUFINIUS
I came in, Majesty, to report--
[_He stops_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Coming down toward_ RUFINIUS] What! I'm good and damn sick of this "I came in to report, Majesty," just as I'm about to--What's up? More trouble?
RUFINIUS
No, Majesty. The ladies are all asleep.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! And he "comes in to report, Majesty" just as Majesty is about to--
RUFINIUS
The Empress Paula is breathing very heavily, Majesty. The doctors are trying to revive her.
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a sudden rage_] What! Revive her! Seven thousand loud damns. Tell them to give her another dose of the same--give them another dose all 'round. Tell those quacks that--the infernal boobies! Off go their toes if a single patient wakes--and both ears. Now quick, before they revive her!
[_Pushes_ RUFINIUS _toward the door_]
RUFINIUS
As you order, Majesty. But there is another matter.
HELIOGABALUS
What is it, foul fool?
RUFINIUS
Another one of the ladies has come over from the North Wing--Dacia.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Softening_] Ah, Dacia! What does she want? Surely _she_--
RUFINIUS
Oh, not at all. She asked me to inquire how her Majesty is, and if you yourself are feeling quite well.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, very thoughtful of her. Tell her I am quite well. And don't forget to thank her. Remember, Rufinius, give her my thanks.
RUFINIUS
[_Going to the door_] As you order, Emperor.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell her not to neglect her music lessons. And--but just say I may want to see her for an instant tomorrow--some business--of state--that I had forgotten.
RUFINIUS
As ordered, Majesty.
[_He goes out_]
LUCIA
You are still thinking of that heathen Dacia.
HELIOGABALUS
Nonsense, sweet potato. You are really quite absurd. [_Suddenly irritated_] Damn it all, a man must be polite.
LUCIA
[_Jealously_] But you used to love her before I converted you to the Faith.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Starting to take off his tunic again_] Ah, who knows? Love--what is it? A sort of optical delusion, an enchantment--almost alcoholic.
[_He gets it over his head, and stands rubbing his bare arms and shoulders_]
LUCIA
Love comes from the soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, even the soul takes a hack at it.
[_He starts to climb into the small bed_]
LUCIA
[_Loudly_] Where _are_ you going?
HELIOGABALUS
[_His leg in mid-air, coaxing in baby-like tone_] Please! I don't want to sleep over there--[_indicating the big bed_]--in Siberia. It's so cold--and when I get cold it always gives me my stomach-ache.
LUCIA
No! One must not think of the flesh, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
But you're my wife, aren't you? You wouldn't have me freeze to death?
LUCIA
But not a pagan wife. I am a Christian wife.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, doesn't a Christian wife promise to cherish her husband? [_Still coaxing, and shivering_] Please!
LUCIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
Please, please!
LUCIA
Again, no, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
[_With a weary sigh, crawling into the big bed_] Lucia, I can't understand you or this Christianity either. What's the idea of trying to make people miserable by forbidding them to do what they want to, and then, when they're unhappy about it, telling them they're awfully happy but don't know it?
[LUCIA _rolls over and does not reply_. HELIOGABALUS _sighs_]
HELIOGABALUS
Anyway, I don't seem to get used to this going to bed sober. [_He props himself up in bed, and rambles on without paying much heed to_ LUCIA] Now, you were saying that love is of the soul. But see what a conclusion it brings you to: then even old Paula must have a soul, for old Paula used to love me.
LUCIA
[_Sleepily_] Paula, too, has an immortal soul.
HELIOGABALUS
The gods forbid! [_Humorously_] But what of, er--what of, say Dacia, for example?
LUCIA
[_Yawning_] This Dacia, too, has a soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Nobly spoken. And much better news! [_Half dreamily_] But what is this so-called soul you speak of? Is it a gas? Has it got length, breadth, thickness? Is the soul in the body, or the body in the soul? When I used to cut a Christian into two halves, which half was the soul in? Was _it_ divided too? Well, then, suppose I had him run through a sausage cutter, and he came out, say, in four million pieces: was the soul in four million pieces, too? You say that the soul re-enters the body on the day of judgment. Well, suppose I take two Jews and cut off their heads, and put the head of A on the body of B, and vice versa. Does the soul of A go into the body of A or into the head of A, which is on the body of B? If it goes into the head, is it responsible for the sins of the body of B? [_He reaches over and, slyly watching_ LUCIA _out of the corner of his eye, pours out a goblet of the brandy which the doctors have left there, slowly sipping it with much lip-smacking as he goes on_] Do you follow me?
LUCIA
[_Half asleep_] Oh, how you talk, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Talk? Talking is my trade, little icicle. Talk is the heart's blood of politics.... And of love. I used to have even greater skill than I have today. He had a smooth and slippery tongue, had Heliogabalus. Years ago, when I was a lieutenant in the army, I used to--[_sighs_] Well, they were all willing: my conscience is perfectly clear. As the lawyers say, _Caveat emptor_. When a girl has a taste for epigrams she must be careful: a man of my wit is dangerous. I'll never forget my poor dear first wife--good old Marcia. It was an epigram that made her fall in love with me. I remember the circumstances perfectly. She was complaining that love was beyond her comprehension--that it was ineffable, indescribable, transcendental. "Love," _I_ replied, with droll perspicacity, "Love," I replied, "is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
[_He chuckles_]
LUCIA
[_Yawns audibly, and turns over_]
HELIOGABALUS
You interrupt me, cold darling. What I was about to say is that poor old Marcia laughed so hard she rolled clear out of bed. An old joke--as old as the Babylonians. But fact! You should have heard the bump when she landed on her--[_a sidelong glance_]--her upholstery. I had to haul her back into bed. [_He sips again_] Ah, love, indeed! A short preface to a long book! [_He pauses and waits for appreciation. No sound comes from_ LUCIA. _He goes on in a slightly louder voice_] Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. [_Another inquiring glance at_ LUCIA] When loves dies there is never any funeral: the corpse remains in the house. [_Another_] A woman in love is less modest than a man: she has less to be ashamed of. [_A longish pause. He takes a deep draught_] Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. [LUCIA _is still silent. He lifts himself to his elbow and regards her contemplatively. He calls her softly_] Lucia! Sweet Lucia!... Asleep! [_A sigh_] Christianity is fatal to the--er--epigram. How Marcia used to giggle! And little Dacia! Dacia has a sense of humour. An intelligent girl, Dacia. And how her nose puckers when she is a bit--squiffed. Somehow, I--[_He empties the goblet and composes himself. The regular breathing of_ LUCIA _can be heard_] This Christianity may be all right in the daytime, but at night--[_Suddenly, from somewhere below the window there comes the soft, low sound of a girl's voice, raised in song. It is a song of love and passion, and_ HELIOGABALUS _sits up in bed to listen. Toward the end he glances at_ LUCIA, _scarcely concealing a rising aversion. The song ended, he settles himself, wets his lips, and smiles amorously_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a caressing whisper_] Dacia!
CURTAIN