SCENE II--MRS. BODKIN’S _drawing-room, handsomely furnished. Large

table with lamp down_ R. _Doors_ R. _and_ L. _and_ C. _in flat. Ladies are all present and are preparing for a meeting of the Club_. MRS. FRISK _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _down_ C.

MRS. FRISK. Now, Lolly dear, you see us as we are, absolutely afraid of our teacher, each other, and our own selves. Mrs. Bodkin, (_addressing_ MRS. B., _who stands near_) do you know I have lost a whole pound, and I am at least an inch longer in the waist.

MRS. BODKIN. Really? Well, I have found your pound, and am triumphantly wearing it; and, as for your inch, I have added that to my chest measure.

MRS. ALLJOY. You have? What is that Mrs. Pallide is saying, “Ma za?” Is she seeking a rhyme?

MRS. FRISK. (_laughing_) No, that is for exercising the muscles of the mouth, and so is the sentence she is practicing now, “Most men want poise and more royal margin.”

MRS. ALLJOY. Do you suppose we really need to exercise the muscles of our mouths? I fancy our husbands will hardly think so.

MRS. FRISK. Rank treason, my dear! Do they not need to exercise their biceps?

MRS. ALLJOY. Do look at Miss Doting. Is she invoking Juno?

MRS. FRISK. No, she would never invoke any one but Venus, my dear.

MISS DOTING. (_who has been going through some of the arm movements most extravagantly, shakes her finger at the three ladies as she approaches_) Ah, my dears, I see you laughing at me, but as that dear Emerson says in his ode to “Beauty,” “Unmake me quite, or give thyself to me.” And, oh! (_clasping her hands in a soulful way_) I do so long for “Beauty;” not the tender tints of spring, not the rose flush of June, but the beauty of autumn. Oh, surely, surely I may consider that I am not too late in seeking that aftermath.

MRS. ALLJOY. Oh, surely, surely not too late, Miss Doting.

MRS. FRISK. You look so well to-day.

MRS. BODKIN. That is a most becoming costume.

MISS DOTING. Oh! do you think so? Pet laughed at me, and though she is too dear a child to say so, I know she thinks me too old to wear pink; but, as I said to her, “Beauty is its own excuse for being,” and the rosy streaks of sunset are as beautifully tender as the auroral glow of morn. And why may I not be clad like the sunset?

MRS. FRISK. Why, of course you may. (_Aside_) There is no one to say you may not; but can you, and not look like a guy, that is the question. (_Aloud_) Speaking of Pet, is Mintra not here? Ah, there she is.

(MINTRA _enters and_ MRS. ALLJOY _meets her, goes front; other ladies go through different gestures very awkwardly, laughing and talking with one another_.)

MRS. ALLJOY. Mintra, dear, I want so much to see you for a moment. I must enlighten you in a matter upon which I happen to be informed, and you do not. Old Mr. Fossil is here.

MINTRA. (_starting_) Is he?

MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, and Tom Bestman told my husband--you know what old friends they are, and you will forgive it, I know--he told my husband that his uncle was furious with him. Your aunt does not know of your engagement, does she?

MINTRA. No, indeed; I have told her nothing about it. She has only seen Tom twice, and doesn’t know he has an uncle. You know mamma could not have told her, for she did not stop in Philadelphia at all.

MRS. ALLJOY. Well, Tom’s uncle vows he shall never marry any one but a strong-minded daughter of the soil; at least--not exactly that--but he advocates only sensible women, as he calls them, and objects in the most strenuous manner to high heels, small waists, and society foibles and follies.

MINTRA. Well!

MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all well. You dear, silly little goose (_putting her arm affectionately around her_), do you know what that means? Why, it means that your dear Tom is thrown off to shift for himself, and instead of having a very comfortable berth he will have nothing at all; and though he is by no means a fool, yet it will be years before he is in a position to marry, if he doesn’t marry to please his uncle, and his uncle has conceived a frantic dislike to you.

MINTRA. Me?

MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, “me” (_mimicking her_), and “me” must go to work and disabuse the old gentleman of his ridiculous ideas.

MINTRA. But how?

MRS. ALLJOY. My dear goosie, you see the means before you. Physical culture, of course. Send to the city for low-heeled shoes; increase your waist measure at least four inches; be an enthusiastic walker; stand up straight; give him the idea that your one aim in life is to be sensible, that your ideal of perfection is a healthy peasant, and--well, that is all.

MINTRA. (_enthusiastically_) I’ll do it.

MISS DOTING. (_approaching_) Ah, Pet, dear! you see I was right to wear my pink gown. I have received many compliments, I assure you. “I builded better than I knew,” as dear Emerson says. I want to tell you something, I met such a charming man just before I came upstairs.

MINTRA. (_indifferently_) Who was it, auntie? You meet so many “charming men.”

MISS DOTING. (_coquettishly_) Now, Pet, how can I help it if they make themselves charming to me? Surely I do nothing to attract them, and you know how terribly soon my ideals vanish. But this time!--O Pet! (_theatrically_), “When half gods go, the gods arrive!” and Mr. Fossil is Jove-like in his dignity.

MINTRA. (_excitedly_) Mr. Fossil?

MISS DOTING. Yes, Mr. Fossil; and O Pet! he is so interested in our club, and he asked me--well (_coyly_), perhaps he should not have done so upon so short an acquaintance; but when I told him that we proposed giving an exhibition of our talent to the guests of the house, at a later date, he asked me (_giggles_), he asked me if he might come, and I said yes.

MINTRA. (_laughing_) Well, auntie, I don’t think that was so terribly forward. I shall not object, for one.

MRS. BODKIN. O Mrs. Frisk! do you know your lesson? (_Proceeds with a stanza of_ “Young Lochinvar,” _hesitates and breaks down_.) There! I knew I could not do it.

MRS. FRISK. Oh! never mind. You will be all right. At any rate, there are plenty to keep you company. I wonder where Miss Stein is.

MRS. PALLIDE. She will be a little late, I think, for I saw her talking to Mr. Fossil, and you know his hobby. Do you know I cannot remember that neck movement to save my life.

SEVERAL. Oh! can’t you? Why, this is it. (_All proceed to show her, differently._)

MRS. PALLIDE. I don’t see that I am any wiser than I was before. However, I will ask Miss Stein to show me. Do, somebody see if I say this correctly. (_Begins another stanza of_ “Lochinvar,” _but stops to giggle_) Now, Mrs. Frisk, if you look at me in that way I cannot say it. I’ll tell Miss Stein of you. There she is now. (_All rush up to_ MISS STEIN, _who enters the room_, C.)

CURTAIN