Part 7

Frank W. Dougherty, 1751 North Thirty-first Street, Philadelphia, is a "Shut in," aged thirteen, who has had to keep his room for three years. He is what the daily papers call a baseball "rooter," and is saving up colored pictures of ball-players. Can you send him some for his collection? Henry F. Schermerhorn: It is better to apply for a patent through an experienced attorney than to attend to the matter yourself. Models are no longer required.

* * * * *

AN UNEXPECTED RESULT.

A party of American college graduates on a trip around the world were spending a few days in one of the smaller cities of India. Near by was a temple, in the grounds of which were always to be found a number of fakirs and jugglers and performers of wonderful tricks. One evening the Americans were joking with one of these miracle-workers, and succeeded in making him believe that they considered there was nothing wonderful about his performances. One of the Americans who had a knack of doing sleight-of-hand tricks, and who had cultivated his ability somewhat by entertaining his college mates with various feats of dexterity before he graduated, thought it would be a good joke to challenge the fakir to a competition. The juggler accepted, and called his assistants about him. It was decided that the American should perform the first trick; and he confided to his friends that he would make the fakir believe he had swallowed a lighted cigarette. Knowing how well he could perform this feat of sleight-of-hand, his companions smiled confidently. The American youth rolled up his sleeves and pulled from his pocket a cigarette, which he passed around among the Hindoos. He then took a match from his pocket and scraped it on the heel of his shoe.

To the amazement of all the American travellers the natives uttered howls of dismay, and gathered up their goods and fled. Nothing could persuade them to come back again, and the Americans were considerably at a loss to know what had caused their fright. They learned a few days later from a low-caste Hindoo that the fakir and his friends had been scared almost out of their wits by the lighting of the match. "They are willing to do tricks with human beings," said the man, "but they have great fear of one who can pick up a small stick from the ground, and with it draw fire from his foot. The fakirs fear no man, but they would have the Prophet protect them from devils."

* * * * *

A SLOW TRAIN.

Southern railroads have a reputation for slow travel, and in some cases it is well merited. A Western travelling-man, making a trip on these lines, suffered a great deal of annoyance from this particular failing, but up to the time of the following incident he had enjoyed himself immensely guying the conductors, trainmen, or any persons having to do with the roads, about their rapid transit.

He was travelling one afternoon on an exceptionally slow train, which came to a stop every now and then without any apparent cause. After expressing himself very audibly to the passengers he resigned himself to the inevitable, and dozed off into short naps, which were interrupted by the sundry jerks of the train, at which he complained. The passengers showed their annoyance at these complaints by angry looks. The conductor had excused the engineer in every possible way. The last apology had been that cattle obstructed the track. The train had started again, and had proceeded about ten minutes, when it halted with a jerk. Up waked the impatient traveller, and petulantly remarked:

"Dear, dear! I suppose, conductor, this worse than slow train has struck another herd of cattle?"

"Struck another one?--not much," replied the conductor; "we've simply caught up again with the first herd we ran into, that's all."

The traveller subsided, and the conductor was left in peace.

* * * * *

NO HIRING ABOUT THE MATTER.

Probably one of the neatest bits of sharp bargaining ever enacted took place not long ago between an apparently ignorant German with an abundance of wealth and a sharp dealer in horses. The German wanted a day's outing, and decided that a long drive would suffice for his wants, and applied to the horse-dealer for the hire of his best horse and trap. The dealer, not knowing the applicant, demurred at supplying his wants. The German, determined to have his ride, finally pulled out a huge roll of bills, and offered to buy the horse and rig, provided the dealer would buy them back at the same price. This surprised the dealer, but not wishing to offend the owner of so much ready money and possibly a good future customer, he agreed to the deal.

The German departed with the horse and rig, and at the end of the day returned them in good condition, expressing his satisfaction at the pleasure the drive had afforded him. The dealer, according to the agreement, paid him back the money, and the German started to leave the place.

"I beg your pardon, sir," exclaimed the dealer, "but you have forgotten to pay for the hire, you know."

"Pay for the hire? Why, my dear sir," coolly replied the German, "I fail to see that. If you will exercise your memory a trifle you will agree that I have been driving my own horse and trap all day, and, now you have bought them back, they are yours. There was no hiring about the matter. Good-day, sir." And he left the astonished dealer to reflect.

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* * * * *

* * * * *

WHY SHE DIDN'T SMILE.

"Why are you pouting to-day, Jennie dear? Aren't you happy?"

"I'm very happy," said Jennie.

"Then why don't you smile as you generally do, and show us those pretty little white teeth?"

"That's just it. They ain't white. I've been eating blueberry pie."

* * * * *

DISCONTENTED SAMMY.

DISCONTENTED SAMMY. "I wish I was down at the sea-shore instead of up here in the mountains."

JIMMIEBOY. "What would you be doing at the sea-shore?"

DISCONTENTED SAMMY. "I'd be wishin' I was back here."

* * * * *

A GREAT CLIMBER

"Do you do much climbing, Harold?" asked the newly arrived guest.

"Well, in a way I do," said Harold. "Papa climbs all over the mountains, and I climb all over papa."

* * * * *

JIMMIEBOY'S DESSERT.

It was at dinner at the Profile House.

"I'll have some blueberry pie and some ice-cream," said papa.

"You may bring me some jelly and cream-cakes," said mamma.

"And what will you have?" asked the waitress of Jimmieboy.

"I'll have the same," said Jimmieboy.

* * * * *

A POPULAR FEATURE.

"I just love it here," said Bobbie.

"What do you like best about it?" asked the good farmer's wife.

"You haven't any bath-tub in the house," said Bobbie.

* * * * *

Two brawny sunburnt sons of Ireland met each other on the street shortly before an eclipse of the sun.

"Hallo, Pat! are yez goin' ter see the 'clipse?"

"Faith, Tim, oive no tiliscope."

"Oi wonder at yer ignorance. Go home an' smoke some glass if yez want ter see it. That's as good as all the tiliscopes yez can git."

"Shure if that's all yez have ter do, that's aisy enough."

Some hours later Tim was passing down the street when he espied Pat sitting on his stoop staring at the sky and madly pulling away at a short stump of a pipe from which no smoke issued.

"Did yez see the 'clipse, Pat?" he called out.

"Nary a bit of wan have I seen. Is it over?"

"Over? Sure; an hour ago."

"Well, then" (and here Pat hurled his pipe out into the road), "it's all the fault of that glass. Oi must have smoked the wrong kind."

* * * * *

It is said that the sagacity and memory of the elephant exceed those of any other animal. This is very possible, as in the many cases reported the incidents bearing on these two particulars surpass those of other animals.

One of the recent stories related of an elephant's astuteness contains an element of doubt, but the comic side of it makes up for that delinquency. It seems that this particular native African was an attaché of a travelling circus, and part of his performance consisted in sitting on a stool in front of a piano and producing some hideous discords called music. One day, having hit the instrument heavier than usual, he irreparably smashed it. A new one was purchased, but when the elephant took his place on the stool as usual he absolutely refused to do his act and groaned very miserably. He was led out, and after a short time the manager entered with this excuse:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I regret that the disobedience of Jack has caused you a loss of pleasure; but unfortunately the poor fellow discovered that the ivory in the keys of the piano came from his mother's tusks, and he couldn't play for grief."

* * * * *

AFTER EXCITEMENT.

FARMER. "Come down with me. Jack, and I'll show you the cows."

JACK. "Hoh! Cows ain't exciting to anything but girls. If mamma'll put my red suit on me I'll go look at the bull."

* * * * *

WALLIE'S IDEA OF IT.

"Papa," said Wallie, "I wish you'd buy me a shovel. I get awfully thirsty in the daytime."

"What on earth has a shovel to do with that?"

"Well, somebody told me that on farms when you wanted water you had to dig a well."

* * * * *

A GOOD THING TO BE.

"Wish I was a squash vine," sobbed Wilbur, after he had been punished for trampling down the corn. "Squash vines can run all about the garden, and nobody complains."

* * * * *

A SMALL GIRL'S DISCOVERY.

"I know why it's such fun to play in the hay," said little Anne. "It's because hay tickles you and makes you laugh."

End of Project Gutenberg's Harper's Round Table, August 11, 1896, by Various