Chapter 5

139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, _To sell and part with Christ_; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, as fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, _No_, _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands_, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!

140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: _Or profane persons as Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_: _for ye know_, _how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.

143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, _The blood of Christ remits all guilt_. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, _The blood of Jesus Christ His Son_, _cleanseth us from all sin_. 1 John i. 7.

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me; _For ye know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.

146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. 31, _I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not_; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: _All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men_, _and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme_. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. _But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost_, _hath never forgiveness_, _but is in danger of eternal damnation_. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: _For you know how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. And this stuck always with me.

149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, _that it were with me as in months past_, _as in the days when God preserved me_! Job xxix. 2.

151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered _David’s_ adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of _Moses_, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the _great transgression_? Ps. xix. 13. Must _that wicked one_ touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?

153. What, thought I, is there but _one_ sin that is unpardonable? but _one_ sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must I be guilty of _that_? must it needs be that? Is there but one _sin_ among _so many_ millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy _sin_! Oh! unhappy _man_! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, _You know_, _how_, _that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_. _Oh_! _no one knows the terrors of those days but myself_.

154. After this I began to consider of _Peter’s_ sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but _a denial of his Master_, but mine was, _a selling of my Saviour_. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to _Judas_, than either to _David_ or _Peter_.

155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.

156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! He would let _David_, _Hezekiah_, _Solomon_, _Peter_, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of _Judas_, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that _Judas_ did this intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of _Esau’s_ fall in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.

159. Yet this consideration about _Judas’s_ sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.

160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.

161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: _For if these things should indeed be true_, _yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present_. _If you must perish_, _never torment yourself so much beforehand_: _drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind_, _by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that_ Atheists _and_ Ranters _use to help themselves withal_.

162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, ’_Tis too late_, _I am lost_, _God hath let me fall_; _not to my correction_, _but condemnation_: _my sin is unpardonable_; _and I know_, _concerning Esau_, _how that after he had sold his birthright_, _he would have received the blessing_, _but was rejected_. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, _Man knows the beginning of sin_? _but who bounds the issues thereof_? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; _For you know how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.

164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by _falling headlong_, _he burst asunder in the midst_, _and all his bowels gushed out_. Acts i. 18.

165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on _Cain_, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother _Abel_. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, _He hath received gifts for the rebellious_. Psalm lxviii. 18. The _rebellious_, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by _that_ place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the _saints_ in particular, and found _mine_ went beyond them, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I should put _all theirs_ together, and _mine alone_ against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if _mine_, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of _David_, of _Solomon_, of _Manasseh_, of _Peter_, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.

169. I should think with myself that _David_ shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of _Ammon_; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?

170. Then I thought on _Solomon_, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; _but I had sold my Saviour_, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.

171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_; _you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.

172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was point blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.

173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick cloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, _Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_, _return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._