Chapter 4

102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.

103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.

104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, _The wicked are like the troubled sea_, _when it cannot rest_, _whose waters cast up mire and dirt_. _There is no peace_, _saith my God_, _to the wicked_. Isa. lvii. 20, 21.

105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.

106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.

107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that, _Fall down_; or, _if thou wilt fall down and worship me_. Matt. iii. 9.

108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.

109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, _This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me_, _as if I had nothing to do with My mercy_, _but to bestow it on such as he_. _Alas_, _poor soul_! _how art thou deceived_! _It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest_.

110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these: _You are very hot for mercy_, _but I will cool you_; _this frame shall not last always_: _many have been as hot as you for a spurt_, _but I have quenched their zeal_ (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can. _Though you do_, said Satan, _I shall be too hard for you_; _I will cool you insensibly_, _by degrees_, _by little and little_. _What care I_, saith he, _though I be seven years in chilling your heart_, _if I can do it at last_? _Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep_: _I will ply it close_, _but I will have my end accomplished_. _Though you be burning hot at present_, _I can pull you from this fire_; _I shall have you cold before it be long_.

111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (_like her who met with adulterer_, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a while:—_I am persuaded that neither death_, _nor life_, _etc._, _shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord_. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.

112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by me; that in _Jer. iii._ at the first was something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, _My Father_, _Thou art the Guide of my youth_, and shall return unto Him.

113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:_ For He hath made Him to be sin for us_, _Who knew no sin_, _that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him_. I remember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, _What ground have I to say that_, _who have been so vile and abominable_, _should ever inherit eternal life_? That word came suddenly upon me, _What shall we say to these things_? _If God be for us_, _who can be against us_? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, _Because I live_, _ye shall live also_. John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, _like to_ Peter’s _sheet_, _of a sudden were caught up from me_, _to heaven again_. Acts x. 16.

114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.

115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, _Having made peace through the blood of His cross_. Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall never forget it.

116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, _Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood_, _He also Himself likewise took part of the same_, _that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death_, _that is the devil_; _and deliver those who through fear of death_, _were all their lifetime subject to bondage_. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.

117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr _Gifford_, whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He would bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; _For_, said he, _if you do otherwise_, _when temptations come_, _if strongly_, _you not having received them with evidence from heaven_, _will find you want that help and strength now to resist_, _that once you thought you had_.

118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words: for I had felt _no man can say_, especially when tempted by the devil, _that Jesus Christ is Lord_, _but by the Holy Ghost_). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to man’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.

119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, that dropped on my spirit, _He was ordained for the slaughter_. 1 Peter i. 12, 20.

121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered that word, _Touch Me not_, _Mary_, etc., I have seen as if He had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.

112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: _And I beheld_, _and_, _to_, _in the midst of the throne_, _and of the four beasts_, _and in the midst of the elders_, _stood a Lamb_, _as it had been slain_. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in this, _For unto us a Child is born_, _unto us a Son is given_; _and the government shall be upon His shoulder_: _and His name shall be called Wonderful_, _Counsellor_, _the Mighty God_, _the Everlasting Father_, _the Prince of Peace_, etc. Isa. ix. 6.

123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.

124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:—

‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.

‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc.

‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.

‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the saints.

‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the church-yard, shall not arise again.

‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.

‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on mount _Calvary_, in the land of _Canaan_, by _Jerusalem_, was not ascended above the starry heavens.

‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all nations,’ etc.

125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the scripture. _O friends_! _cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you_; _there is none teacheth like Him_.

126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.

127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.

128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of _Martin Luther’s_; it was his Comment on the _Galatians_; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, _This man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now_, _but must needs write and speak the experience of former days_.

130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of _Moses_, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall before all men—I do prefer this book of _Martin Luther_ upon the _Galatians_ (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.

131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as _Job_ said, _I thought I should die in my nest_; but I did quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.

133. And that was, _To sell and part with this most blessed Christ_, _to exchange Him for the things of this life_, _for any thing_. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.

134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; _The land shall not be sold for ever_, _for the land is mine_, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.

135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, _Sell Christ for this_, _or sell Christ for that_; _sell Him_, _sell Him_.

136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_: against which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.

137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, _Sell Him_; _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_; _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands of worlds_: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.

138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, _Now I am at meat_; _let me make an end_. No, said he, _you must do it now_, _or you will displease God_, _and despise Christ_. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.