Chapter 10

313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.

314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the fornicators and adulterers in _England_ were hanged up by the neck till they be dead, _John Bunyan_, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.

315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.

316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. _Amen_.

317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.

A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR’S IMPRISONMENT

318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.

319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the national worship of the church of _England_; and after some conference there with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, _of the indictment_, _did sentence me to a perpetual banishment_, _because I refused to conform_. So being again delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do with me.

320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own—_not to fear what man can do unto them_.

321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of God as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that word, _We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables_, 2 Pet. i. 16, and that, _God raised Christ from the dead_, _and gave Him glory_, _that our faith and hope might be in God_ 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition.

322. These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1–4; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22–24. So that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, _and to fear neither the horse nor his rider_. I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: _Oh_! _the mount Sion_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _the innumerable company of angels_, _and God the Judge of all_, _and the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and Jesus_, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, _Whom having not seen_, _ye love_; _in whom_, _though now you see Him not_, _yet believing_, _ye rejoice with joy unspeakable_, _and full of glory_. 1 Pet. i. 8.

323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him since I came in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, _were it lawful_, _I could pray for greater trouble_, _for the greater comfort’s sake_. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.

324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion. For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, to pray to God _to be strengthened with all might_, _according to His glorious power_, _unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness_. I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.

325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) was of great use to me, _But we had the sentence of death in ourselves_, _that we should not trust in ourselves_, _but in God_, _which raiseth the dead_. By this scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.

326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint is, _To look not on the things that are seen_, _but at the things that are not seen_; _for the things that are seen are temporal_, _but the things that are not seen are eternal_. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as touching this world, _to count the grave my house_, _to make my bed in darkness_; _to say to corruption_, _Thou art my father_, _and to the worm_, _Thou art my mother and sister_: that is, to familiarize these things to me.

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.

[Picture: Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children]

328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I thought on those _two milch kine that were to carry the ark of God into another country_, _and to leave their calves behind them_. 1 Sam. vi. 10–12.

329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the first was the consideration of these two scriptures, _Leave thy fatherless children_, _I will preserve them alive_, _and let thy widows trust in me_: and again, _The Lord said_, _Verily it shall be well with thy remnant_, _verily_, _I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil_, _and in time of affliction_. Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.

330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6–8, etc.

331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: _They were stoned_, _they were sawn asunder_, _were tempted_, _were slain with the sword_, _they wandered about in sheep-skins_, _and goat-skins_, _being destitute_, _afflicted_, _tormented_, _of whom the world was not worthy_; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, _the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city_, _that bonds and afflictions abide me_. I have verily thought that _my_ soul and _it_ have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most _delicate_ reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.

333. I will tell you a pretty business:—I was once above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, _that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell_. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: _But how if_, _when you come indeed to die_, _you should be in this condition_; _that is_, _as not to savour the things of God_, _nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter_? (for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul).

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.

335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.

336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, _But whither must you go when you die_? _what will become of you_? _where will you be found in another world_? _what evidence have you for heaven and glory_, _and an inheritance among them that are sanctified_? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me, _that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition_, _Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair’s breadth from it_.

337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free; yea, ’twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, _I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity_, _sink or swim_, _come heaven_, _come hell_, _Lord Jesus_, _if Thou wilt catch me_, _do_; _if not_, _I will venture for Thy name_.

338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon me, _Doth Job serve God for nought_? As if the accuser had said, _Lord_, _Job is no upright man_, _he serves Thee for bye-respects_: _hast Thou not made an hedge about him_, _etc._ _But put forth now Thine hand_, _and touch all that he hath_, _and_, _he will curse Thee to Thy face_. How now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him? Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, etc.

339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings towards me I might relate, _But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to maintain the house of God_. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.

THE CONCLUSION

1. OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought of that word, _Have your loins girt about with truth_; and of that, _When the foundations are destroyed_, _what can the righteous do_?

2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these been upon me.

3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed.

4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the refreshment, though I have looked it all over.

5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I know something of these things.

6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with me.

7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world.

A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660

WHEN, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years together, without any interruption, freely preached the blessed gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed grace, some encouragement by His blessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man’s salvation, took his opportunity to inflame the hearts of his vassals against me, insomuch that at the last, I was laid out for by the warrant of a justice, and was taken and committed to prison. The relation thereof is as followeth:—