Part 4

“Most emphatically,” came from the supporter of woman’s rights.

“Very well,” said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, “just stand up and enjoy them.”

A Riddle to Willie

I asked my Pa a simple thing; “Where holes in doughnuts go?” Pa read his paper, then he said: “Oh, you’re too young to know.”

I asked my Ma about the wind: “Why can’t you see it blow?” Ma thought a moment, then she said: “Oh, you’re too young to know.”

Now, why on earth do you suppose They went and licked me so? Ma asked: “Where is that jam?” I said: “Oh, you’re too young to know.”

Under Her Bed

Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before.

“Yes,” she said, “I heard a noise and got up, and there from under the bed I saw a man’s legs sticking out.”

“Mercy,” exclaimed a woman—“the burglar’s legs?”

“No, my dear, my husband’s legs. He had heard the noise, too.”

Didn’t Think He Was Polite

They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken her out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to tend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain tones:

“Let go the sheet.”

No response.

Then again:

“Let go that sheet, quick.”

Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging to the bottom of the overturned boat, he said:

“Why didn’t you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?”

“I would have,” said the bride, “if you had not been so rough about it. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife.”

He Had a Large Reach

President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, met Professor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Washington, says “The New York Tribune.” In the course of the conversation President Eliot asked the Westerner what chair he held.

“Well,” said Professor Johnson, “I am professor of biology, but I also give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry, entomology and a few others.”

“I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair,” replied Harvard’s chief.

When Fighting Really Began

An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.

“Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn’t amount to nuthn’. The fust I knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked him down with a stick o’ wood. One o’ Bill’s friends then cut Tom with a knife, slicin’ a big chunk out o’ him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend of Tom’s, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin’.”

Guarding Against Future Mistakes

An early morning customer in an optician’s shop was a young woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. “I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power.”

“Yes, ma’am,” replied the salesman; “something very strong?”

“Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder which I never want to repeat.”

“Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?”

“No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a blackberry.”

A Mistake on Both Sides

An old gentleman on board one of the numerous steamers which ply between Holyhead and the Irish coast missed his handkerchief, and accused a soldier standing by his side of stealing it, which the soldier, an Irishman, denied. Some few minutes afterward the gentleman found the missing article in his hat; he was then most profuse in his apologies to the soldier.

“Not another wurrd,” said Pat; “it was a misthake on both sides—ye took me for a thafe, and I took ye for a gintlemon.”

Sauce for the Gander

A busy merchant was about to leave his home in Brixton for a trip on the Continent, and his wife, knowing his aversion to letter-writing, reminded him gently of the fact that she and the children would be lonely in his absence and anxious as to his welfare from day to day. Kissing him affectionately, she said:

“Now, John, you must be eyes and ears for us at home and drop us an occasional post-card telling us anything of interest. Don’t forget, will you, dear?”

The husband promised. The next morning his wife received a postal-card: “Dear wife, I reached Dover all right. Yours aff.”

Though somewhat disappointed she thought her husband must have been pressed for time. Two days later, however, another card arrived, with the startling announcement: “Here I am in Paris. Yours ever.” And still later: “I am indeed in Paris. Yours.”

Then the wife decided to have a little fun and seized her pen and wrote: “Dear husband, the children and I are at Brixton. Yours.”

A few days later she wrote again: “We are still in Brixton.”

In her last communication she grew more enthusiastic: “Dear husband, here we are in Brixton. I repeat it, sir, we are in Brixton. P.S.—We are, indeed.”

In due time her husband reached home, fearing that his poor wife had temporarily lost her senses, and hastened to ask the meaning of her strange messages. With a winning smile she handed him his own three postal-cards.

Those Hits at “The Journal”

“Life” has the latest and best of those jokes aimed at this magazine, which seem so popular.

This time it is of a mighty hunter who has just killed, by a single shot, a tiger of incredible immensity.

After the great feat a friend standing by says to the man of brawn:

“Mighty steady nerves you must have. That beast was right on you! How do you explain it?”

“Easy enough,” says the mighty hunter. “I bathe three times a day, never touch meat, fruit, cereals, stimulants or tobacco, drink five gallons of water after every meal, and read nothing but THE LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL.”

Easing His Conscience

The Rev. Mr. Goodman (inspecting himself in mirror): “Caroline, I don’t really believe I ought to wear this wig. It looks like living a lie.”

“Bless your heart, Avery,” said his better half, “don’t let that trouble you. That wig will never fool anybody for one moment.”

He Would Lose, Anyway

Here is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar. “Just one poisons me,” says the youthful doctor.

Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the women had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except the physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in astonishment exclaimed:

“What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!”

“Yes, I know I do,” meekly replied the doctor, “but if I smoked one I should lose the whole of it!”

Force of Habit

A physician started a model insane asylum, says “The New York Sun,” and set apart one ward especially for crazy motorists and chauffeurs. Taking a friend through the building he pointed out with particular pride the automobile ward and called attention to its elegant furnishings and equipment.

“But,” said the friend, “the place is empty; I don’t see any patients.”

“Oh, they are all under the cots fixing the slats,” explained the physician.

What “R. S. V. P.” Means

A young man asked a country ’squire what the letters “R. S. V. P.” meant at the foot of an invitation. The ’squire, with a little chuckle, answered:

“They mean, ‘Rush in, Shake hands, Victual up, and Put.’”

The Wrong Kind of a Baby

In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see the new arrival he exclaimed:

“Oh, mamma, it hasn’t any teeth! And no hair!” Then, clasping his hands in despair, he cried: “Somebody has done us! It’s an old baby.”

A Poser for the Salesman

“It’s not so much a durable article that I require, sir,” said Miss Simpkins. “I want something dainty, you know; something coy, and at the same time just a wee bit saucy—that might look well for evening wear.”

Not in the Army, After All

A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: “Come up en jine de army ob de Lohd.”

“Ise done jined,” replied one of the congregation.

“Whar’d yoh jine?” asked the exhorter.

“In de Baptis’ Chu’ch.”

“Why, chile,” said the exhorter, “yoh ain’t in the army; yoh’s in de navy.”

Her Literary Loves

A talented young professor who was dining one evening at the home of a college president became very much interested in the very pretty girl seated at his left. Conversation was somewhat fitful. Finally he decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more at home, and, turning to his companion, asked;

“Are you fond of literature?”

“Passionately,” she replied. “I love books dearly.”

“Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott,” he exclaimed with sudden animation. “Is not his ‘Lady of the Lake’ exquisite in its flowing grace and poetic imagery? Is it not——”

“It is perfectly lovely,” she assented, clasping her hands in ecstasy. “I suppose I have read it a dozen times.”

“And Scott’s ‘Marmion’” he continued, “with its rugged simplicity and marvelous description—one can almost smell the heather on the heath while perusing its splendid pages.”

“It is perfectly grand,” she murmured.

“And Scott’s ‘Peveril of the Peak’ and his noble ‘Bride of Lammermoor’—where in the English language will you find anything more heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic, forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I am sure.”

“I just dote upon them,” she replied.

“And Scott’s Emulsion,” he continued hastily, for a faint suspicion was beginning to dawn upon him.

“I think,” she interrupted rashly, “that it’s the best thing he ever wrote.”

How Grandma Viewed Them

“I’m glad Billy had the sense to marry a settled old maid,” said Grandma Winkum at the wedding.

“Why, Grandma?” asked the son.

“Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders is kinder overrulin’ and upsettin’. But old maids is thankful and willin’ to please.”

So Easy When it is Explained

A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley-car said to the conductor:

“Can you tell me, please, on what trolley-cars I can use these exchange slips? They mix me up somewhat.”

“They really shouldn’t, madam,” said the polite conductor. “It is very simple: East of the junction by a westbound car an exchange from an eastbound car is good only if the westbound car is west of the junction formed by said eastbound car. South of the junction formed by a northbound car an exchange from a southbound car is good south of the junction if the northbound car was north of the junction at the time of issue, but only south of the junction going south if the southbound car was going north at the time it was south of the junction. That is all there is to it.”

Sixty Girls Not One Too Many

A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a large building: “Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor.”

One on the President

When the President alighted at Red Hill, Virginia, a few months ago, to see his wife’s new cottage, he noticed that an elderly woman was about to board the train, and, with his usual courtesy, he rushed forward to assist her. That done, he grasped her hand and gave it an “executive shake.” This was going too far, and the woman, snatching her hand away and eying him wrathfully, exclaimed: “Young man, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t care a cent; but I must say you are the freshest somebody I’ve ever seen in these parts.”

No Doubt of it

The lesson was from the “Prodigal Son,” and the Sunday-school teacher was dwelling on the character of the elder brother. “But amidst all the rejoicing,” he said, “there was one to whom the preparation of the feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal’s return gave no pleasure, but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feast being held, and had no wish to attend it. Now can any of you tell who this was?” There was a short silence, followed by a vigorous cracking of thumbs, and then from a dozen little mouths came the chorus: “Please, sir, it was the fatted calf.”

The Lesson Stopped

The teacher was taking a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they understood her.

“The idol had eyes,” the teacher said, “but it could not——”

“See,” cried the children.

“It had ears, but it could not——”

“Hear,” was the answer.

“It had lips,” she said, “but it could not——”

“Speak,” once more replied the children.

“It had a nose, but it could not——”

“Wipe it,” shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.

The Wrong One

A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one night, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, stern way what his intentions were.

He turned very red, and was about to stammer some incoherent reply, when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs:

“Mamma, mamma, that is not the one.”

A Good Pair of Boots

“You know,” said a “smart” young man to a girl, “some one has said that ‘if you would make a lasting pair of boots take for the sole the tongue of a woman.’”

“Yes,” replied the girl, “and for the uppers you ought to take the cheek of the man who said it.”

Not Just the Right Place

A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car.

“Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?” he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face.

“Don’t you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?” was the low, embarrassed reply.

What Else Could He Be?

There is a man who is the head of a large family, nearly every member of which is a performer on some kind of musical instrument.

A friend who was visiting the house of this man referred to the fact, remarking that it must be a source of great pleasure to the family, but to this observation the father made no reply.

“Really,” continued the friend, “it is remarkable. Your younger son is a cornetist, both your daughters are pianists, your wife is a violinist, and, I understand, the others are also musicians. Now what are you, the father of such a musical combination?”

“I,” replied the old man sadly—“I am a pessimist.”

He Had to Stand Up

An American doctor built an elegant home, says the “San Francisco Chronicle”; his bathroom was exceptionally beautiful, being of white marble with silver hardware; a music-box was concealed in the room. After completion of the home an Englishman came to visit the doctor. Now the English always show great respect for their sovereign and their country, and this one was no exception.

After showing his home to the Englishman the doctor remembered the fondness English people have for the bath, and escorted his guest to the bathroom, and while there turned on the music-box, wishing to give his guest a pleasant surprise as he bathed. Then he left his friend in the bathroom.

About an hour later the Englishman joined his host in the drawing-room. The doctor immediately asked what his guest thought of the bathroom. The Englishman replied: “It is beautiful, beautiful.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “how did you like my music-box?”

Said his guest with great disgust in his tones:

“Bah! That music-box! The old thing played ‘God Save the King,’ and I had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe.”

His Heartbreaking Task

“Darling,” said the bride, “I had a terrible feeling of sadness come over me this afternoon—a sort of feeling that you were doing something that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet, what were you doing, now, this afternoon at four o’clock?”

“Dearest,” replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, “at that hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes.”

Easily Accounted For

An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis Island. He gave it.

“Speak louder,” said the officer.

He repeated it.

“Louder,” again said the officer; “why, man, your voice is as soft as a woman’s!”

“Well,” said Pat, “that might be. Me mother was a woman.”

The Retort Courteous!

A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that the occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a polite message asking if it would be possible for the party to make less noise, since, as the servant announced, “Mr. Smith says that he cannot read.”

“I am very sorry for Mr. Smith,” replied the host. “Please present my compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read, and tell him I could when I was four years old!”

When He Left

A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, “Did he leave you much?”

“Nearly every night,” was the reply.

A Popular Store

The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. “You must be severely tried,” said a man standing by. “There are all sorts and conditions of people in the world,”

“Yes, there are,” said the salesman, “and they’re all here, too!”

He Couldn’t Bend

A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others at table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passed and the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house could endure the situation no longer.

“Atheism?” asked she sharply.

“No, madam,” humbly responded the new boarder; “boil.”

Really, All the Same

As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:

“Conductor, what door shall I get out by?”

“Either door, ma’am,” graciously answered the conductor. “The car stops at both ends.”

He Had a Good Excuse

“Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins,” said the parson; “is your husband at home?”

“’E’s ’ome, sir, but ’e’s abed,” replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had just finished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on the clothesline.

“How is it he didn’t come to church on Sunday? You know we must have our hearts in the right place.”

“Lor’, sir,” retorted the faithful wife, “’is ’eart’s all right. It’s ’is trouziz!”

One of Lincoln’s Little Notes

President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but exceedingly pertinent letter:

“_My Dear McClellan:_ If you don’t want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while.”

“Yours respectfully, A. LINCOLN.”

Fair Play

A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality, says “Lippincott’s Magazine,” when one of them took up his parable thus:

“I was down in Louisiana last month travelin’ cross country when we kinder got lost in a lonesome sort of road just about dark, and when we saw a light ahead I tell you it looked first rate. We drove up to the light, findin’ ’twas a house, and when I hollered the man came out and we asked him to take us in for the night. He looked at us mighty hard, then said, ‘Wall, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.’

“So we unhitched, went in, and found ’twas only a two-room shanty and just swarmin’ with children. He had six from four to ’leven years old, and as there didn’t seem to be but one bed, me an’ Stony was wonderin’ what in thunder would become of us.

“They gave us supper, and then the old woman put the two youngest kids to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out, laid them over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on. After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folks went in the other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and, bein’ powerful tired out, we did.

“Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we was lying over in the corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bed!”

Cold Comfort That

A country minister who lived quite a distance from his church was overtaken on the way over one Sunday morning by a heavy shower. The rain poured in torrents, and by the time he arrived at the church he was almost drenched. Shaking the water from his hat and coat he remarked:

“Really, friends, I am almost too wet to preach.”

“Oh, never mind,” replied one of his congregation; “you’ll be dry enough in the pulpit!”

A “Billet-Doux”

She was a winsome country lass, So William on a brief vacation, The time more pleasantly to pass, Essayed flirtation. And while they strolled in twilight dim, As near the time for parting drew, Asked if she would have from him A “billet-doux.” Now this simple maid of French knew naught, But doubting not ’twas something nice, Shyly she lifted her pretty head, Her rosy lips together drew, and coyly said, “Yes, Billy—do,” And William—did.

When Pat Laughed Last

A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boat for the purpose of having a sail.

One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat’s expense, asked him if he knew anything about astrology.

“Be jabers, no,” said Pat.

“Then that’s the best part of your life just lost,” answered the Englishman.

The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything about theology.

“Be jabers, no,” answered Pat.

“Well,” the second said, “I must say that’s the very best part of your life lost.”

A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Pat began to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both called loudly to Pat to help them.

“Do you know anything about swimology?” asked Pat.

“No,” answered both Englishmen.

“Well, be jabers,” replied Pat, “then both of your lives is lost!”

Could Eat, but Couldn’t See

A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for dining.

“We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and supper from three to eight,” explained the clerk.

“Wa-al, say,” inquired the farmer in surprise, “what time air I goin’ ter git ter see the town?”

How She Got It

A little girl was sent by her mother to the grocery store with a jug for a quart of vinegar.

“But, mamma,” said the little one, “I can’t say that word.”

“But you must try,” said the mother, “for I must have vinegar and there’s no one else to send.”

So the little girl went with the jug, and as she reached the counter of the store she pulled the cork out of the jug with a pop, swung the jug on the counter with a thud, and said to the astonished clerk:

“There! Smell of that and give me a quart!”

What the “Grip” Is

Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, “Faith, I had the grip last winter.” To draw him out the questioner asked, “What is the grip, Patrick?”

“The grip!” he says. “Don’t you know what the grip is? It’s a disease that makes you sick six months after you get well!”

Wouldn’t Have Been Strange

Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a few moments’ desultory talk the first said rather querulously:

“I don’t know what’s the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over there. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won’t look at me now.”

“Perhaps,” said the other, “he saw me come in. He’s my husband.”

A Place for Jeremiah

A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a long breath and continued: “Now I shall proceed to the major prophets.”