Part 6

The family clergyman and physician are not expected to make gifts, for obvious reasons. Friends who are in mourning do so, even if unable to attend the wedding. The expense of the present should be in a certain proportion to the means of the giver. Those who are tempted to give something more expensive than they can afford should remember that it would be painful to a bride possessed of delicacy of feeling to think that she had overtaxed the generosity of a friend. If one cannot afford to spend much money, one should atone for it by giving plenty of thought to the selection of the gift. For this purpose it is well to consult some member of the family, or an intimate friend, about the bride’s tastes and wishes. A present that is carefully chosen to meet the needs of the recipient often gives more pleasure than a very expensive article selected at random. Business associates or those who are under obligations to either of the two families send gifts if they receive invitations.

The custom of displaying the presents on the day of the wedding has gone out of fashion in large cities. It is thought better to show them only to intimate friends, who are asked to call in an informal way shortly before the wedding-day. In country places the gifts are sometimes exhibited at the reception on the day of the marriage. They are usually set out in an up-stairs room, the cards of the givers being removed in order to prevent invidious comparisons.

The guests invited to a wedding may be few or many, as the bride’s family find convenient. If the ceremony is to take place at a large church, invitations are often sent to all those on the visiting-lists of the parents of both young people, as well as to the friends of the latter. Some gracious and thoughtful brides do not forget to send to certain persons not on their visiting-lists—humble friends who sincerely appreciate such a remembrance. If a young woman prefers to have only her relatives and near friends present at her marriage, she will probably please her fiancé, for men usually dislike very much the parade and show of a large wedding. Where only a limited circle are invited to attend the ceremony, general invitations are sometimes sent out for the reception following it. This arrangement can be made for either a home or a church wedding. The bride’s mother must be careful, however, not to overcrowd her rooms. In summer a country house may be readily enlarged by closing in the piazzas, or a large tent may be placed on the lawn. When the whole circle of friends and acquaintances have been invited to the church, there will be no cause for complaint if only relatives and intimate friends are asked to the reception.

Wedding invitations should be engraved on plain, heavy white paper of the best quality. The family crest in white is sometimes embossed on this. The envelopes match the paper and are without device or ornament. The following is a proper form:

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Louisa Alsop to Mr. James Otis Griswold on the afternoon of Thursday, the fourth of November, at four o’clock at the Church of the Disciples Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street New York_

Or a blank may be left and the name of the person invited be written in. If there are cards of admission to the church, they may read:

_Please present this card at the Church of the Disciples Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street on Thursday, the fourth of November_

If many guests are expected, a plan should be made of the church, showing how the numbers of the pews run. Relatives and friends are assigned to these in the order of their relationship or intimacy with the family, those nearest and dearest coming next to the altar. The number of the pew is written on the card of admission to the church. The ushers are provided with duplicate plans, giving the names of these special guests and the pews they are to occupy. Another method is to have cards engraved:

_Mr. and Mrs. . . . will please present this card to an usher_

The latter can then look up the name on his list and see which pew has been assigned to that guest. The bride’s family and friends sit on the left of the middle aisle, those of the groom on the right.

The invitations to the reception are usually engraved on a large white card, according to the following formula:

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield request the pleasure of your company_ [or of . . . .’_s company_] _on Thursday, the fourth of November, at half after four o’clock at Seventeen Waverley Place_

The fashion of asking only a limited number of persons to the wedding and of sending out announcement cards afterward seems to be gaining in public favor. These cards are sent to the friends and acquaintances of the bride and groom and their parents. A proper form is:

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield have the honor of announcing the marriage of their daughter Margaret Louise to Mr. James Otis Griswold on Thursday, the fourth of November, One thousand nine hundred and fourteen at Windymere West Medford, Massachusetts_

The announcement is engraved on the same sort of paper as that used for wedding invitations. With it may be inclosed a card with the address of the newly married couple:

_Mr. and Mrs. James Otis Griswold Will be at home Three hundred and four after the twentieth West Fiftieth Street of November New York_

Announcements are usually mailed immediately after the marriage. If the “At Home” cards are sent out with the invitations, they contain no name, but simply the statement:

_Will be at home after the twentieth of November at Forty-four East Fiftieth Street, New York_

Or special reception days may be mentioned, as:

_Thursdays in December_.

The cards and all the other expenses of the wedding, with a few exceptions mentioned elsewhere, are paid for by the bride’s family.

A home wedding is of necessity a simpler affair than one celebrated at church. According to the good old custom, the clergyman came in first, a place being arranged for him at the head of the room facing the company. The bride and groom then entered arm-in-arm, taking up their position in front of the minister. At the conclusion of the ceremony the latter withdrew to one side and the newly married couple took his place, turning around to receive the congratulations of relatives and friends, those nearest and dearest greeting them first. It has been found convenient, however, to mark off with white ribbon an aisle down which the bride and groom pass. Young girls may hold the four ends, or these may be fastened. The cortège is sometimes a miniature copy of that seen in the church ceremonial. Thus the ushers may lead the procession, a bridesmaid or two entering next, the bride leaning on her father’s arm following them. With this arrangement the groom and best man enter a little beforehand, standing at the left of the clergyman. If the giving away of the bride is to be omitted, the procession may consist of the ushers, the best man, a bridesmaid, and the bride and groom, entering in the order named. There are often no bridesmaids at a house wedding.

The old marriage ceremony is so beautiful, so hallowed by tradition and sentiment, that we are inclined to cling to it, although some of its features are archaic remains of an older civilization. Now that so many women are independent citizens, earning their own living and, in many countries of Europe, as well as in ten States of our Union, voting and holding public office, it seems incongruous to have them “given away in marriage.” Even in conservative England the question of dropping the word “obey” from the service is now being agitated by no lesser personages than the bishops of the Established Church! We read that one of these dignitaries withdrew his motion to this effect because he saw that the ecclesiastical body was not yet ready to pass it.

The church selected for the wedding is usually the one which the bride and her family attend. If this is not large enough to hold the guests, another belonging to the same denomination is sometimes preferred. If the groom lives in the same town as the bride, he calls upon the clergyman and secures his services for the time when the ceremony is to be performed. If the fiancé lives at a distance, it may be more convenient to have the arrangement made by the bride’s family. In either event the groom pays the clergyman’s fee. This varies in amount with the former’s means and with the scale on which the whole affair is conducted. Since the question is left to his honor as a gentleman, he should surely reimburse the minister in a manner suited to his own dignity and to that of the occasion. It is in the worst possible taste to lavish money on decorating the sacred office in a resplendent manner and then repay its hospitality by handing its official head a small and wholly inadequate sum. For a large and handsome wedding the organist receives twenty-five dollars and the clergyman should be given fifty dollars. If the bridegroom is a rich man, he sometimes doubles this sum. For a small and quiet wedding, the fee would vary from ten to twenty-five dollars. Five dollars is said to be the minimum. The fee is inclosed in an envelope and handed to the best man. It may consist of gold, new bank-bills, or a check. The last-named has obvious advantages, for an absent-minded best man sometimes forgets to give the missive to the clergyman. Gold pieces are often preferred, however, since the old English custom prescribed that the groom should lay these and the wedding-ring on the open prayer-book held by the clergyman. The bridegroom also pays for the ring. If the wedding is to take place at church, he provides the conveyance which will take him and the best man there, bringing the latter to the bride’s house for the reception or breakfast. Should the weather be bad or the distance so great as to call for carriages for the ushers, he provides these also, as well as the carriage in which he and the bride start on their honeymoon trip. He has no other expenses connected with the wedding, except the bouquets, souvenirs, etc., spoken of elsewhere.

The sexton, organist, and florist should all be notified in good season. The former will, if it is requested, have an awning and carpet between the church door and the curb. For a large wedding he will need assistants to open the doors of the vehicles as they drive up, to receive the cards of admission, to keep the line moving so that the street will not be blocked, to call the carriages afterward, and to protect the entrance from too great pressure by the admiring onlookers. The Press has had some sad stories about the rude behavior, the pushing and crowding of the multitude, when certain much-advertised weddings took place. Such rudeness is greatly to be deplored. It occurs to the philosopher that a simple and easy way to avoid the presence of these ill-bred throngs would be to have the religious ceremony conducted in a quieter and simpler manner. Men and women, particularly the latter, are always anxious to behold a much-heralded spectacle. The organist should be told of the musical selections made by the bride. Sometimes he plays a subdued accompaniment during the marriage ceremony. According to a pleasant modern custom, the flowers are sent from the church to hospitals after the wedding. Some competent person is specially employed to attend to this distribution.

It is contrary both to good manners and to the laws of the land to have any rehearsal of the marriage ceremony. One of the procession often takes place a day or two in advance. The head usher sets the pace, which should be rather slow, but not funereal. A young girl who was given away in marriage by her grandfather not long ago was heard to whisper to the latter, as they went up the aisle, “Not so fast, grandpa! Not so fast!” If the bride dislikes the idea of taking part in the rehearsal, she may be replaced by a friend.

The head usher may be called the master of ceremonies at the church. He or one of his assistants should be there early to see that everything is properly arranged. All the ushers should be in their places three-quarters of an hour or more before the time named for the wedding. They stand at the entrance to the aisles and escort the guests to the seats assigned them. Formerly a barrier of white ribbon or flowers marked off the seats in the middle aisle reserved for the relatives and special friends. It is now thought better not to fence off the aisle in this way, but simply to indicate the division by means of a bow or a bunch of flowers.

If the guests have cards on which their names or the numbers of the pews they are to occupy are written, they do not give these up at the door, but retain them to show to the usher. Where there are no such cards for his guidance, he inquires the name and consults his list or his memory. If he is not sure on which side the guest belongs, he asks whether the latter is a friend of the bride or of the groom. The head usher, who is stationed in the middle aisle, usually has some acquaintance with most of the chief guests.

The groom and best man arrive in good season, remaining in the vestry or robing-room until after the clergyman has appeared upon the scene. They then emerge from their concealment and stand at the back of the chancel, waiting for the arrival of the bridal cortège. The bride’s mother does not form part of this, but is escorted to her place by an usher shortly before its appearance. In the mean time the bridesmaids repair in their carriages to the house of the bride, in order that all may start together for the church. She and her father should be ready at the hour agreed upon, their carriage bringing up the rear of the little procession. As it approaches the church, the ushers close in the pews of the middle aisle by carrying a white ribbon down either side of it. This should not be removed until the bridal party has driven away at the conclusion of the ceremony. As the carriages of the bridal party appear, the ushers see that all doors are closed from the vestibule into the church, as well as those leading into the street, excepting that by which the cortège is to enter. The head bridesmaid, or the maid of honor, spreads out the bride’s train, unless this is done by a special attendant.

The procession then forms, the doors of the central aisle are thrown open, and the organist plays the wedding march. The ushers come first, walking in pairs; the bridesmaids follow, then the maid of honor, and last of all the bride with her father. The bridegroom comes forward, takes the bride’s hand, and leads her before the clergyman. Half the bridesmaids and ushers now turn to the left and take up their places near the bridal couple, the other half do the same on the right, the girls standing on the inside, the men on the outside. If there is a maid of honor, she should be at the bride’s left; if there is none, then the first bridesmaid takes this position in order to help her friend pull off her left glove when the ring is to be put on, to remove the veil from her face at the close of the ceremony, and to see that her train is properly arranged as she starts to walk down the aisle.

If the bride and groom are to kneel down, it is well to provide hassocks for the purpose. The bridesmaids and ushers remain standing, however. Something of a sensation was caused at a recent fashionable wedding in Boston when an emotional young man knelt down, to the consternation of his fellows. The other ushers were obliged to follow suit, the twelve going down upon their knees in a semicircle. The father of the bride remains standing a little behind the young couple, until the clergyman asks who gives her away. He then steps forward and places her right hand in that of the clergyman, who in turn puts it in the groom’s right hand. This is in accordance with the ritual of the Episcopal Church. Sometimes the father intimates his consent merely by bowing, but the first mentioned is the better way. His part in the ceremony now being at an end, he retires to the pew where his wife is sitting. If the bride’s father is not living, her oldest brother or nearest male relative gives her away. A widowed mother sometimes performs this office.

Guests should come to the church in good season, so that they may be settled quietly in their places before the arrival of the bridal party. To come at the last moment is not according to good form. At the conclusion of the ceremony they should remain in the pews until the wedding procession and the near relations have passed out. Those who have received invitations to the reception then go to the house of the bride’s parents. It is well not to hasten there too rapidly, however, as the bridal party will need a few moments to arrange themselves. As the bride’s mother is the hostess of the occasion, she and the father may stand near the door of the drawing-room so as to greet the guests as they enter. Strangers ask the ushers to present them. All then pass on to the end of the apartment, where the bride and groom stand together, the bridesmaids being on the right of the former; or they may be divided in the same way as at the church, half on either side of the young couple. The groom’s parents stand near by. The other guests should be presented to them.

The bride greets all cordially, shaking hands with them and presenting to her husband those with whom he is not acquainted. Only near relations and intimate friends are privileged to kiss the bride. At a large wedding reception there is not time to say much to the newly married couple, as the line passes on rapidly. Where there is only a friendly acquaintance, it suffices to say, “I wish you every possible happiness,” or something of the sort. If the presents are on exhibition, the guests go up-stairs to see them and then pass on into the dining-room. This method of having the company go forward in line should be adopted where many people are present. It is quicker than the old custom, in accordance with which the best man and ushers escorted the guests up to the bride and groom and the parents. These young men are always on hand, however, acting as masters of ceremony. They introduce strangers to the bride and groom and ask people to go into the dining-room. There they wait upon the ladies who are without escort. The collation is served from a large central table in the dining-room. Some caterers arrange a buffet at the side, thus taking up less space. For a large reception the bill of fare would comprise bouillon, salads, croquettes, oysters in their season, ices, little cakes, and coffee. Birds and other delicacies are sometimes added. If wine is served it is usually champagne. For a wedding in the country the menu may be much simpler, chicken salad, sandwiches, ice-cream, and coffee, for instance. Indeed, it is perfectly proper, where only a few friends are invited, to offer cake and wine alone.

The bride and groom remain in their places until all the guests have had an opportunity to greet them. This means that they will stay there during the greater part of the reception, if many persons are present. Where the wedding is not a large one they repair to the dining-room, or refreshments may be brought to them in the drawing-room. In the former case the best man or some near friend proposes their health, all honoring the toast by standing, glass in hand, and taking at least a sip of the wine. The bride remains during an hour or more of the reception, and then withdraws to assume her traveling-dress. A sister, the maid of honor, or one or more of the bridesmaids help her to do this, while the mother comes in before her daughter is ready to leave the room. The last good-by is, of course, for this dear parent. The maid of honor and the best man do what they can to facilitate the escape of the young couple from the friends who are waiting in the front hall to bombard them with rice, confetti, or flowers. This method of saluting the bride and groom is so well established that it seems best to accept it philosophically and good-naturedly. Some young men are not satisfied with rice or confetti throwing, but indulge in a rowdyism of behavior that cannot be too strongly condemned. The bride creates a diversion by dropping her bouquet from the elevator or the top of the stairs. Her young women friends scramble for it, the person who catches it being sure to marry within the year, according to the old superstition.

Where the marriage takes place at noon, a wedding breakfast may be arranged for the bridal party alone, or for as many guests as the house will hold comfortably. In the warm season the veranda and lawns of a country house are also utilized. The breakfast may be served “en buffet” as at a reception, or the company may be seated at one or more tables, in accordance with the number present. The latter is the more elegant method, but requires more service. If many persons are invited, there is usually a large central table ornamented with white flowers for the bridal party, with smaller ones for the rest of the company. When the collation is ready the groom gives his arm to the bride and leads the way to the dining-room, followed by the bride’s father with the groom’s mother, the groom’s father with the bride’s mother, the best man with the maid of honor or first bridesmaid, and the other bridesmaids, each being escorted by an usher. Sometimes the clergyman who performs the marriage ceremony takes in the bride’s mother, allowing the others to precede them as a hostess would at a dinner. In this case the groom’s father takes in the bride’s aunt or some other member of her family. The newly married couple sit side by side at the head of the table, the bride’s mother sitting at the foot, between the groom’s father and the clergyman.

According to another arrangement, the bride’s father with the groom’s mother sits beside his daughter, the bride’s mother with the groom’s father coming next to the bridegroom. Half the bridesmaids and ushers sit on each side of the table. If the newly married couple sit in the middle of one side instead of at the head, the bridesmaids and ushers are placed opposite to them. Should the size of the table permit and the bride’s mother so desire, other relatives or friends may be placed there. Indeed, at a small breakfast all the guests are seated at one table. In this case it is well to have place-cards. At a large wedding the guests not belonging to the bridal party follow the latter into the dining-room, entering without formality. Sometimes the small tables are arranged in the adjoining rooms and in the hall. No place-cards are used for these.