Part 5

Or the “At Home” form may be used. It is best not to say “silver-wedding,” as this might be thought an intimation that gifts would be acceptable. Indeed, some people are so anxious to avoid any appearance of soliciting presents that they give no intimation on the card of the nature of the occasion. Others add, “It is kindly requested that no gifts be sent.” Near relations and intimate friends usually feel privileged to send some suitable remembrance of the day, an article of silver for the writing-table or toilette-table perhaps, or any piece of silverware that they think will be acceptable. It is always proper to send flowers. If the reception is in the evening, the silver-wedding bride wears evening dress of any color that is becoming to her. Gray, lavender, or purple is appropriate. While white alone is not permissible, black-and-white may be worn; the bridal veil—if it be of lace—may be draped over the skirt or worn as a scarf. The gown may be partially cut down at the neck or full décolleté, the material being silk, brocade, velvet, or other stuff as preferred. The groom wears regulation evening dress with white or light kid gloves (see Chapter VI).

He and the bride stand together to receive the guests until all have arrived, when they move about the room talking with their friends. The tone of the occasion must not be too stiff and formal, but cordial yet dignified. According to some authorities, the decorations should be white, green, and silver. There may be few flowers or an abundance of them. If they are all white the result will be rather trying to matronly faces, and the effect a little incongruous. In celebrating an anniversary it is not wise to try to reproduce exactly the original occasion. This would tend to mark in a painful way the passage of time. Just as the bride of twenty-five years wears a matronly costume rather than a girlish dress that would bring into evidence the wrinkles and crow’s-feet, so the decorations and ceremonies of the silver-wedding must reflect the flight of the quarter of a century. The flowers of midsummer are more appropriate than those associated especially with early spring. Purple and white lilacs produce an excellent effect, as do roses not too pale in color, or orchids. Something will, of course, depend upon the season of the year.

It adds interest to the occasion if the clergyman who performed the marriage ceremony, the ushers, and bridesmaids can be present. The latter may stand near the host and hostess and assist them in receiving the company. The name “silver wedding” is something of a misnomer, because the celebration is concerned only with the events following the marriage. Thus, while the anniversary may reproduce in some degree the original reception or breakfast, to attempt to repeat any part of the ceremony would be in the worst possible taste, to say the least.

The collation is like that of any evening reception. There is usually a handsome wedding-cake, on which the date of the wedding and of the twenty-fifth anniversary, together with the initials of husband and wife, are inscribed. Silver leaves may form a part of its decoration. The bride cuts the first slice, as she did twenty-five years before. It adds to the fun of the occasion if the cake contains a ring. Where wine is served, it is usually champagne. The best man or some near friend or relative may give as a toast the health of the hero and heroine of the day, to which the husband should reply in a brief speech. There may be other toasts and speeches. According to modern fashion, these may be made without the accompaniment of wine. The sons and daughters of the house should act as assistant hosts and hostesses, moving about among the guests and extending a cordial welcome to all.

The arrangements for a golden-wedding fall naturally into the hands of a daughter or a son. Those of the younger generation must be careful not to behave as if they thought their parents too old and too infirm to attend to the matter personally. It requires great tact to assist those who are declining into the vale of years in such a way as not to depress or sadden them or hurt their feelings. The daughter should take pains to show that she is not trying to supersede her parents, but simply to act as their lieutenant. She may well think out beforehand her general line of action, and then lay it before her mother, consulting the latter as the household general-in-chief. She may casually remind her mother that, since the bride is spared all possible care and anxiety by her family, the same attitude toward her should be taken at the celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of the marriage.

There is often a reunion of the married couple and their descendants at a large family dinner. If it is desired to include the whole circle of friends in the celebration, this usually takes place in the daytime, since an evening affair might be too fatiguing for the elderly pair. Sometimes, however, a reception is held in the evening after the family dinner. A good deal must depend on the state of health of the bride and groom. Sons and daughters should remember that to greet and shake hands with many people is in itself fatiguing, especially to those who are no longer young. An afternoon reception is an appropriate way to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of a marriage. The invitations will be much like those of the silver-wedding, except that the lettering should be of gold, or black if preferred. They are usually engraved on a rather large white card. If an answer is desired, in one corner may be the statement, “Please send reply to Mrs. ——,” with the address of the daughter.

It is very easy to find suitable decorations, since almost any golden flower that is in season may be pressed into service. In the fall of the year nothing is more beautiful than goldenrod; autumn leaves also may be used. Black-eyed Susans have a very decorative effect, the yellow abutilon reminds the beholder of wedding-bells, and Marshal Niel roses are always lovely. Gifts of flowers may be tied with golden ribbon.

At a fiftieth marriage anniversary which the writer recently attended, a small reception-room leading from the drawing-room was almost filled with presents of golden hue, although many were not made wholly of the precious metal itself. Pictures in gilded frames, canary birds in cages of the prevailing color of the day, were cheerful gifts of moderate expense. A beautiful loving-cup of silver heavily gilded held the center of the table, and within was a purse of gold pieces—a number of friends combining to make this present. There were many other pieces of silver-gilt, and some of solid gold. The bride received a beautiful watch and chain, among other things; the groom a pencil and card-case of the precious metal.

Husband and wife receive together at a golden-wedding. Sons and daughters welcome the guests, but do not necessarily stand beside their parents. They should have a watchful eye upon the latter, however, to see that they do not become fatigued. One advantage of the afternoon reception for a golden-wedding is the well-known tendency of the guests to concentrate in the dining-room, thus giving the host and hostess an opportunity to sit down and rest if they are tired. They remain in the drawing-room, any refreshments they may desire being brought to them. These will be the same as at any afternoon tea or reception. Some solid dishes such as salads and oysters may be served, and there may be a wedding-cake.

The golden-wedding bride may wear any color she pleases except black. The ugly fashion of dressing elderly women in hard black is fortunately on the wane, since it is extremely unbecoming to them. Delicate tints of lavender and gray, trimmed with soft ruffles or lace, are appropriate for the bride of fifty years. The groom wears formal afternoon dress, black frock or cutaway coat, with high waistcoat to match, dark trousers, and lavender scarf. If the bride carries a bouquet, it should, in our opinion, be of violets, orchids, or golden flowers rather than white ones, although some authorities favor the latter.

The fifteenth, crystal, and the twentieth, china, weddings are occasionally observed. Friends may celebrate them informally by a surprise party, at which gifts of porcelain or glassware are presented to a couple whose china closets need replenishing.

VI

HOUSE AND CHURCH WEDDINGS

Dress for Bride, Bridegroom, Bridesmaids, Ushers, and Other Members of the Bridal Party—Dress of Guests—Gifts and How to Present Them—Etiquette of House and Church Weddings—Wedding Breakfasts and Receptions—Entertaining Out-of-town Guests.

A GOWN of white satin, with veil of tulle, plain or lace-trimmed, or of real lace, has long been the conventional bridal dress. While the bodice may, in accordance with the present style, be somewhat cut out at the neck and the sleeves reach only to the elbow, it must never be full décolleté unless the wedding takes place in the evening. The skirt should have a train varying in length with the fashion, but never so long as to interfere with the bride’s movements. Several yards of satin trailing upon the floor will result in pulling her head back at every step, producing a very awkward and ugly effect. A creamy tint is more becoming to most young women than a bluish shade of white. Some brides prefer silk, fine organdie muslin, chiffon, or other soft material. Artificial orange flowers are usually worn in the hair and sometimes on the dress, the natural blossoms being very difficult to procure. It is wise to engage a hair-dresser to put on the wedding-veil, since this is a task requiring special skill. If it is to be worn over the face, a separate piece of tulle should be used for the purpose. The maid of honor, or first bridesmaid, takes this off when the bride turns to walk down the aisle at the conclusion of the ceremony. White stockings with white satin or kid slippers, long white gloves, and bouquet complete the costume. The “shower” effect, obtained by fastening flowers at intervals on long streamers of narrow ribbon, has, in the opinion of the writer, an extremely artificial look; but many people admire it. The bridegroom usually gives the bride some piece of jewelry to be worn on the eventful day. Her ornaments should be of diamonds, pearls, or other white or colorless stones.

The bridegroom appears in formal morning or, as it is sometimes called, formal afternoon dress, if the ceremony takes place in the daytime. Fashion long demanded that he should wear a frock-coat, but this imposing garment has suffered something of an eclipse, the cutaway often replacing it. The tailors, in solemn convocation, recently decided that the frock-coat could not altogether be banished, since it is popular with the great statesmen of our nation. Whichever style of coat the groom selects, he wears with it a high-cut waistcoat to match or a white one, dark striped trousers, lavender, gray, or white silk four-in-hand tie, patent-leather shoes, and high silk hat. A fancy waistcoat of another color is sometimes worn, but it must not be gay or loud. If gloves are worn, they should be light-gray or white. His white boutonnière bouquet is the gift of the bride, who bestows similar decorations on the ushers. These gentlemen are all dressed alike, their costume and that of the best man corresponding to the bridegroom’s. The bride’s father will probably prefer a frock-coat with waistcoat to match. As a rule all the men present at a wedding in the morning or afternoon don formal morning dress. In the summer sack-coats and straw hats are occasionally worn at a country wedding.

If the ceremony takes place in the evening, the groom and ushers appear in black swallow-tail coats, with trousers to match, low-cut white waistcoats, narrow white lawn ties, and pumps or patent-leather shoes. The dress of the other men present is the same, though some may prefer to wear a black dress-waistcoat to match the suit.

The bridesmaids’ costume is usually of some pretty, light color and soft material. This should, like the bride’s, be only slightly cut down in the neck, in the daytime. The inevitable hat is an important feature, and often a charming “creation.” Long white gloves and a bouquet complete the costume. The latter is the gift of the bridegroom, and usually matches or tones in with the dress or its trimmings. The bride’s mother wears lilac, gray, black-and-white, mauve, or some quiet color that is becoming to her, with bonnet or hat to match. She must carefully avoid any affectation of youth in her costume, since this would be in poor taste and would inevitably cause unfavorable comment. Hence the material of her gown is of heavier fabric than that chosen by the younger members of the bridal party. Silk, satin, velvet, brocade are all appropriate. The bodice should be practically high in the neck or only slightly cut out, although it may have a lace yoke and trimmings. The bride’s mother usually removes her wrap before going up the aisle, an usher carrying it for her. The groom’s mother wears a similar costume, the young girls of both families appearing in pretty high-necked frocks of light color, with dressy hats. No member of the bridal party should appear in mourning garb. The widowed mother, even, lays it aside for the day.

At a church wedding all the women appear in hats or bonnets, according to the modern custom. The guests wear handsome reception dress, especially if they are going on to the house of the bride’s parents. Those who are asked only to the ceremony wear their best street costume with white gloves. Where the ceremony is performed at the house in the evening, all wear evening dress and go without hats. For a home wedding in the daytime the guests retain these, but the bride’s mother and other members of the receiving-party appear without them.

A bride may prefer to be married quietly in traveling-dress. If this is the costume in which she intends actually to travel, it should be of material and color suitable for that purpose. A pretty and becoming shade should be selected, but not an extremely delicate one. Cloth or other woolen material is suitable for the cold months, a silken or woolen stuff of light weight for summer. A pretty hat and white gloves complete the costume, or, if preferred, these may correspond in color with the dress. A bride may, if she pleases, be married in a walking-suit of a very light color, changing this for a quieter dress before she starts on the wedding journey. In spite of the wide advertisement of our friend Miss Phœbe Snow, it is not in good taste to wear white in a railway car, except in the height of summer, when wash-dresses may be considered permissible on account of the heat. A bride who wears white on her wedding journey stamps herself as provincial. A young woman who is married in traveling-dress does not have bridesmaids. If she wishes to have a friend stand up with her, the latter also should be in street dress, with hat or bonnet.

GIFTS AND HOW TO PRESENT THEM

When a young couple are about to begin life together and to establish a new home, they are confronted at once with the unpleasant question of expense. To furnish their abode, however simply, takes a considerable sum of money. Hence, somewhere in the dim past the custom of making wedding-presents arose, friends assisting the bridal pair in the creation of a home of their own. Sound political economy as well as pleasant sentiment, therefore, underlies this usage. The welfare and prosperity of the individual home promote those of the larger home—the State.

In sending gifts to a young couple it is well to bear this truth in mind, for, although perfectly self-evident, it is often forgotten. We should try to select presents that will be of use to their recipients. Their value need not be merely material; it may be spiritual or esthetic. Beautiful pictures, books of solid and lasting interest, are as important features of a dwelling as chairs and tables. Silverware is a standard gift because of its usefulness. It has now grown so much cheaper, the price being less than half what it was some years ago, that almost any one can afford to send an article made of this metal. Some brides have been fairly overloaded with silver, receiving far more than they, in their modest homes, were able to use. Hence it is well to consult a member of the bride’s family or a near friend as to what she would really like to receive.

The main outfit of silver—a tea-service, one or more dozens of the different sizes of forks, knives, and spoons—are given by the immediate families of the bride and groom, when their means permit. Near relations—aunts, uncles, and cousins—sometimes join in the gift or supplement it with other needed articles of silverware. Friends also send large or small pieces in accordance with their means and with the needs of the young couple. The fashion of using ornamental and useful appliances made of this metal for the toilette-table, the desk, etc., has been so run into the ground, cheap imitations have become so common, that some other material is now preferred—ivory or tortoise-shell, for instance.

Jewelry is so dear to the heart of woman and forms so important a feature of dress that most brides like to receive it, even though it cannot be classed as a necessary part of their outfit. While an elderly friend may send a jewel, the privilege is denied to young unmarried men, unless they are relatives. This is an old rule of Mrs. Grundy, who also forbids the bestowal of any article of clothing by young bachelor friends. Bric-à-brac has mercifully gone out of fashion. It is permissible, however, to give “objects of art” that deserve the name. Intimate friends sometimes send a dozen of sheets with embroidered initials, or a set of handsome towels. The pretty articles of decorative table linen now so much in vogue, lunch-cloths, centerpieces, and doilies, make very charming wedding-gifts. China and glassware for the table may be both pretty and useful. Relatives and old family friends may send checks, if they choose.

When an article is marked, the maiden initials of the bride are used. The old custom of marking silver with the initials of the given names of both the bride and groom, together with that of the last name so soon to belong to them both, has been revived to some extent. If the article given is one likely to be duplicated, it is better not to have it marked, because the bride may wish to exchange it. Indeed, some thoughtful persons say frankly: “If you want to change this, pray do not hesitate to do so.” While sentiment makes us desire to keep the gift chosen by a friend, it is undeniably inconvenient to possess one dozen pepper-pots and not a single salt-cellar! Owing doubtless to the “total depravity of inanimate things,” there is almost sure to be an overplus of some article and a deficit of another.

The question is sometimes asked, “When and how shall I present my gift to the bride?”

The answer to the first query is, upon receipt of the invitation to the wedding or as soon after as is convenient. It may happen that on account of absence, illness, or some other good and sufficient reason the gift is delayed. In this case one need not hesitate to send it, with a note of explanation, after the marriage has taken place. The last gift is sometimes received several months or even a year after the day of the nuptials. Manifestly, however, it is best to send promptly.

There is no formal presentation, however. Only intimate friends are privileged to place the gift in the bride’s hands. For all others custom demands that it shall be sent—express prepaid, of course—to the house of her parents. The family and friends of the bridegroom conform to this rule, even when they are not personally acquainted with his fiancée. The groom occasionally receives a few gifts for his personal use, which are sent directly to him. The easiest, simplest, and best way of forwarding a wedding-present is to have it despatched from the store where it is purchased. In a large city the jeweler’s, silverware, and chinaware shops keep small envelopes and blank cards for use, in case the purchaser has omitted to bring her own visiting-card. On this the giver writes her name with a brief message, such as: “With the best wishes of ——,” “With love and best wishes,” or “Wishing you all possible happiness.” Married people use their joint card, “Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Curtis,” for this purpose. The salesman should be instructed to remove the price and to do the gift up in the daintiest manner, white ribbon being often employed. It is also wise for the sender to give him her address and ask to be notified of the due arrival of the gift. Since a receipt is now demanded by silversmiths and others, it would be an easy matter to give the purchaser this information, thereby saving anxiety to her and trouble to the bride’s family. The latter are often called up on the telephone by friends who have not at the moment received any acknowledgment of their present.

It is the pleasant duty of the bride to write promptly, thanking her friends cordially for the substantial expression of their good will. A charming young woman who was about to be married said to me, “I write at once on receiving a present; in this way I am sure to express the delight I feel at the moment.” It is quite possible to do this when the gifts begin to arrive. But as the time for the wedding draws near, a bride with a large circle of friends is sometimes overwhelmed by the great number of packages received in a single day. Those who send their presents within three or four days of the ceremony cannot expect to have them acknowledged speedily. If unable to write before her marriage, the bride should do so as soon afterward as possible. A careful record of all the gifts, with the names and addresses of the senders, should be made by some member of the family, as fast as they arrive. Bride-books come especially for the purpose, and will be found very convenient by those possessing a large circle of friends and acquaintances.

In acknowledging a wedding-present it is always well either to name the gift or to allude to it in some definite way, as for instance:

Your beautiful gift will not only make us think of you, but will mark the passage of the hours and so help us to cultivate punctuality.

Some persons imagine that an invitation to a wedding carries with it the obligation to make a present, and that those not asked give nothing. This is a mistake. It should rather be said that any one who is invited is at liberty, but not under any obligation, to send a gift. Relatives and intimate friends would do so, whether invited or not. Circumstances may make it imperative to have the ceremony performed very quietly and to omit the usual reception. It is true that many of those invited to the bride’s house send a gift, though by no means all. A young woman who has a large wedding will receive more presents than one who simply sends out announcement cards after the ceremony.