Part 1

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GOOD FORM FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A Manual of Manners Dress and Entertainment for Both Men and Women

by

FLORENCE HOWE HALL

Author of “Social Usage at Washington”

Harper & Brothers Publishers New York and London MCMXIV

BOOKS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD

THE YOUNG MOTHER’S HANDBOOK, by MARIANNA WHEELER. 16mo net $1.00

PRINCIPLES OF CORRECT DRESS, by FLORENCE HULL WINTERBURN. 16mo net 1.00

GOOD FORM FOR ALL OCCASIONS, by FLORENCE HOWE HALL net 1.00

NOVEL WAYS OF ENTERTAINING, by FLORENCE HULL WINTERBURN. 16mo net 1.00

COOK BOOK OF LEFT-OVERS, by CLARK and RULON. 16mo net 1.00

SOCIAL USAGES AT WASHINGTON, by FLORENCE HOWE HALL. 16mo net 1.00

HOW TO KEEP HOUSEHOLD ACCOUNTS, by CHARLES WALDO HASKINS. 16mo net 1.00

THE EXPERT MAID SERVANT, by CHRISTINE TERHUNE HERRICK. 16mo net 1.00

HYGIENE FOR MOTHER AND CHILD, by Dr. FRANCIS H. MACCARTHY. Post 8vo net 1.25

MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. Ill’d. Post 8vo 1.25

THE EXPERT WAITRESS, by ANNE FRANCES SPRINGSTEED. New Edition. 16mo net 1.00

THE BABY, HIS CARE AND TRAINING, by MARIANNA WHEELER. Revised edition 16mo net 1.00

HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL, by MARIE MONTAIGNE. Ill’d. net 1.00

HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK

Copyright, 1914, by Harper & Brothers ------- Printed in the United States of America Published June, 1914

CONTENTS

CHAP. PAGE

I. THE COUNTRY HOUSE 1

Etiquette and Dress for the Week-end Visitor—Duties of the Host—The Neglectful and Over-zealous Hostess—Bread-and-butter Letters.

II. AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS FOR THE 18 DÉBUTANTE—“THÉ DANSANT”

Dress and Behavior of Guests—Dress and Etiquette for the Hostess and Her Assistants—Formal and Informal Occasions—Who May Send Flowers.

III. BREAKFASTS AND LUNCHEONS 36

How to Give Them and What to Wear—Etiquette of the Buffet Luncheon—Entertaining Distinguished Strangers.

IV. DINNERS FORMAL AND INFORMAL 52

Invitations and How to Answer Them—Telephone Invitations—Hints for the Young Hostess—Dress for Men and for Women—Entering and Leaving the Dining-room—Etiquette of the Formal Dinner—When to Arrive and When to Leave—Dressing-rooms—Dinner-calls.

V. BRIDESMAIDS’ LUNCHEONS, BACHELOR DINNERS, AND 74 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

Guests to be Invited—Etiquette and Dress for Bridesmaids’ Luncheons—Etiquette and Dress for Bachelor Dinners—Things to be Done and Things to be Avoided—Wedding Anniversaries—The Right and the Wrong Way to Celebrate Them—Form of Invitation.

VI. HOUSE AND CHURCH WEDDINGS 95

Dress for Bride, Bridegroom, Bridesmaids, Ushers, and Other Members of the Bridal Party—Dress of Guests—Gifts and How to Present Them—Etiquette of House and Church Weddings—Wedding Breakfasts and Receptions—Entertaining Out-of-town Guests.

VII. PUBLIC DINNERS AND RECEPTIONS 135

Luncheons of Women’s Clubs—Duties of Dinner and Reception Committees—Arrangements in Suburban Towns—The Courteous and the Discourteous Guest—Evening Dress and Demi-toilette.

VIII. BALLS AND DANCES 154

Dinner and Subscription Dances—Roof-garden Dances—Reciprocal Duties of the Chaperon and Her Charge—How to Enter and How to Leave a Ballroom—Objectionable Styles of Dancing—The Stag Line and the Dance Programme—The Hostess and Her Assistants—The Host—Introductions at Public and at Private Dances—Duties of Floor Committee—Supper Etiquette—Dress for Young Girls and Married Women—Dress for Men.

IX. AUTOMOBILE TRIPS 175

The Automobilist as Host—Provision for Comfort of Guests—Duties of Guest—Dress and Luggage—Automobile Picnics—Entertainment of Chauffeur—When a Visit becomes a Visitation.

X. BRIDGE PARTIES AND EVENING RECEPTIONS 189

Arrangement of the Card-tables—Playing for Prizes—Good and Bad Manners at the Card-table—Why Certain People are not Asked—Duties of Hostess—Card Parties for Charity—Dress and Etiquette of Evening Receptions.

XI. HOTELS, RESTAURANTS, AND ROOF-GARDENS 200

How to Entertain a Guest at a Hotel in the City and in the Country—Etiquette for the Guest in Hotels and Restaurants—Dress for Morning, Afternoon, and Evening.

XII. THEATER, OPERA, AND CONCERT-HALL 215

Arrangements for Formal and Informal Theater Parties—The Supper—The Bachelor and His Duties as Host and as Guest—Dress and Behavior at the Opera, Theater, and Concert-hall.

GOOD FORM FOR ALL OCCASIONS

GOOD FORM FOR ALL OCCASIONS

I

THE COUNTRY HOUSE

Etiquette and Dress for the Week-end Visitor.—Duties of the Host.—The Neglectful and the Over-zealous Hostess.—Bread-and-butter Letters.

THE special trunks now readily procurable for week-end visits remind us not to burden our friends with heavy or excessive luggage. The visitor may have difficulty in deciding what costumes to carry. Hence a considerate hostess often mentions in her note of invitation what the out-of-door amusements are likely to be. If a tennis-court, golf-course, skating-rink, or toboggan-slide is available, she does well to say so. A host who lives by the seaside will perhaps take his guests out in a canoe or a motor-boat or offer them the pleasures of surf-bathing.

If the week-end guest receives no friendly hints about the wardrobe needed, she must be guided by a knowledge of the tastes and habits of the household she is to visit. If she is in ignorance of these, she will take into consideration the age of her hosts and the kind of place in which they live. Thus, if Doris is invited to stay at Newport or some other gay and fashionable watering-place, she will need handsomer costumes and a greater variety of them than would be appropriate at a quiet spot in the real country. In the same way, if her entertainers are rich people whose mode of living is very expensive and who invite many guests, she will require her best clothes.

Three changes of costume should ordinarily suffice—a short, plain skirt, suitable for walking or out-of-door sports, with body of the same material or separate shirt-waist either white or of corresponding color, an evening gown, and one for afternoon or church wear. The last named will suffice for the evening also if Doris is staying with friends who live quietly in the country. An old but extremely convenient arrangement is to have the afternoon costume made with a removable yoke, thus serving two purposes. The English fashion of wearing a décolleté toilette for late dinner is popular with the smart set in our large cities, but is by no means general in America. It is a pretty custom for young girls, and many follow it, wearing simple frocks of white muslin or similar material in their own homes. For a visit in the country one should always take rubbers or stout shoes. For tennis, rubber soles are necessary, as those of leather tear up the court. While some country hostesses are very thoughtful about providing extra wraps, a wise guest, especially if she is inclined to be chilly, will carry a warm coat or cloak.

An older woman would appear in the evening in a dress cut out somewhat at the throat, or with a lace yoke or jabot if her health did not permit the exposure of her neck. She would choose silk or some handsome material made up in a dressy way, with a train longer or shorter according to the fashion. Short dresses are much worn at the present moment. Doris should take a pair of long white gloves for the evening, as she will need them if there is to be a formal dinner, also a pair of dress slippers, with stockings to match.

For a week-end visit in summer a young man would carry a pair of white-flannel trousers, a soft shirt of flannel, silk, Madras, linen, or other material, and golf or tennis shoes. He would also take for evening wear a dinner-coat, with trousers and waistcoat to match, a black tie, patent-leather pumps or low shoes, and a couple of dress-shirts. During the heat of midsummer great latitude is allowed in the matter of evening dress. Thus, at the informal weekly dances of the Rumson Country Club, at Seabright, near New York, hardly a dress-coat is to be seen, the men all wearing dinner-coats. Many of them substitute a white belt for a waistcoat, white-duck trousers for the usual black ones, and soft white shirts or those with narrow plaits for the regulation stiff-bosomed dress-shirt.

In winter the week-end visitor with out-of-door tastes would take a sweater and a toboggan-cap for skating or coasting. At either season of the year he would travel in his business suit, and would wear this to church should his hosts take him there on Sunday. Formal afternoon dress (see Chapter VI) is the correct attire in which to appear at church; but business suits are often worn and are permissible for the week-end visitor, because he cannot conveniently carry many varieties of costume in a suit-case.

If the hostess has named a particular train, the visitor should always take that. Should she be delayed, she should telephone or telegraph saying when she will arrive. A host living in the country usually sends a conveyance to the station for his guests or comes to meet them himself. If the carriage or car is a hired one, the visitor offers to pay for it, but does not insist upon doing so. Where the trip to the friend’s house is made in a trolley-car, the guest is seldom allowed to pay his own fare. Sometimes the latter arrives and there is no one to meet him. For a man it is usually easy to hire a cab or take a trolley-car. For a young girl traveling alone the situation may be awkward, especially if the place is unfamiliar to her. After waiting a little while for her friends, it is perfectly proper for her to call them up over the telephone and ask for directions.

It is usual to tell a guest soon after her arrival the hours for meals. Should this be forgotten and should the lunch or dinner hour be approaching, Doris may make the necessary inquiries. In a very formal household she would ask one of the maids. Should one of the latter offer to unpack Doris’s trunk or suit-case the young girl may accept or not, as she pleases. There has been some effort made to import from aristocratic countries the custom of having a valet or maid attend to this duty and assist the guest in his or her toilette. The good-natured fun made of these usages by recent writers reminds us that they are inappropriate in a democratic country. It is true that for certain styles of costume, such as a dress that fastens in the back, the fair wearer needs a little assistance. But as a rule the American spirit makes us prefer to be independent, whether of kings or of lackeys. Self-reliance is almost indispensable in a land where fortunes are lost as well as made with such speed and frequency.

A guest should be punctual at all meals and on all occasions. With regard to breakfast a diversity of customs exists, the family assembling for the meal at most houses, while many people prefer to take it in their own rooms. A guest will endeavor to conform to the usage of the household. If the hostess proposes to have his breakfast sent up, he may accept the offer, unless he has reason to suppose that this will be inconvenient. In the evening he will be careful not to keep his hosts up beyond the hour when they ordinarily retire for the night.

For a week-end visit a guest places his time at the disposal of his entertainers and does not usually make any engagements elsewhere. Should it happen, however, that he wishes especially to call on friends in the neighborhood, he should mention this soon after his arrival, so that the trip may be arranged for an hour that will not interfere with the plans of his host. The agreeable guest falls in readily with these. He tries to have a pleasant time himself and to contribute to the pleasure of others, even if some of them are tedious people. He will enjoy talking with the most interesting person present, but will not try to monopolize the lion of the occasion. If an excursion is proposed to see something he has seen many times before, or to do a thing he especially dislikes, he will not say: “Oh, I know that place by heart!” or “What a bore!” but will make the best of the situation. Should he have any “parlor tricks,” such as the ability to sing, recite, or tell fortunes, he will be ready to display these at an opportune moment. A guest, however, should follow rather than lead. It is the province of the host to make the programme and arrangements. The visitor must be careful not to behave as if he thought it was his party!

While, as we have said, he will join in the amusements, he will not overstep the limits prescribed by good-breeding. It sometimes happens that a group of young people, carried away by the contagion of high spirits, will behave like boisterous school-children. The manners of our day are much less formal than those of an earlier generation, but they impose of necessity a certain degree of restraint. Our girls and young men must remember that it is always easy to relapse into the barbarism from which mankind has emerged by a slow and tedious process. As the cultivated apple-tree tends always to return to the wild crab, so does our civilization, if it is not vigilantly guarded, incline to revert to the savagery of the primitive man. A guest should never feel obliged to join in anything which he considers wrong. Thus, if it is proposed to play cards for money he should simply say, “Can’t we arrange another table? I always play for coffee-beans,” or make some other half-jesting remark. In a word, while he quietly maintains his own opinions, he should avoid saying anything in criticism of those who differ with him.

If he thinks it wrong to drink wine or beer, or does not care to do so, he should place his open hand palm downward against the side of the glass when the servant offers to fill this. Should it be filled by mistake the guest need not feel compelled to drink the wine. Among well-bred people his failure to do so would cause no comment. It is only very young and inexperienced or extremely timid persons who fancy that it is necessary to behave like the proverbial sheep blindly following the leader. A girl who should undertake to smoke a cigarette simply because those around her were doing so would clearly demonstrate, not her good manners, but her lack of backbone. In the opinion of most people there is nothing wicked in the use of tobacco. But the great majority of Americans consider it in bad taste for women to smoke, especially in public.

Doris should inquire in good season about the trains and ascertain to which one it will be convenient to send her. She should never stay beyond the time for which she was originally invited, unless under exceptional circumstances. A week-end visit is supposed to terminate on Monday morning, or a business man may find it necessary to leave on Sunday evening.

The out-of-town hostess does well to select her guests from those who enjoy out-door sports or who are fond of the country and its amusements. Of course, such a choice is not always possible, and in the heat of midsummer every one likes to have a breath of fresh air and to escape from the noise and dust of the city streets. For a house-party it is best to ask persons of more or less congenial tastes, who will therefore be likely to enjoy the same things. While the affair will be more successful if some of the guests are already acquainted with one another, an agreeable stranger may add a pleasant variety. People who see one another constantly in the city may find it tiresome to meet at a week-end party.

If neither the hostess nor her deputy goes to meet the guest at the station, some member of the family should be on hand to welcome the latter on her arrival at the house. The guest-rooms should be well aired, made warm in winter and cool in summer. Unless the hostess has servants who are thoroughly reliable, she should visit these apartments before the arrival of her friends and make sure that all is in order, with everything provided for the comfort of her guests. There should be plenty of bed-clothes suitable for the time of year, a supply of stationery and sewing-materials, a few good books, a well-lighted dressing-table, some bureau and closet space, and ample washing facilities. At night the visitor should always find a pitcher or glass of drinking-water in her room and a few crackers.

As we have already said, the hostess arranges the programme for the visit. She should not, however, insist too strenuously on its strict fulfilment. The entertainment must be fitted to the guests; they should not be expected to fit exactly into it, as if they were so many pegs in a cribbage-board. The plans must be elastic; a wide margin should be left for the tastes and preferences of different individuals. The hostess does well to think out beforehand, perhaps to write down on paper, a provisional programme for each day. But if every one is happy playing tennis, she will not drag the players out in a motor-car simply because her schedule says, “Tuesday, 5 o’clock, all ride in automobile”!

Her social experience has probably shown her that two people may talk so long together as to become utterly bored. With an anxious eye she sees that Jack Quarterback has been talking for half an hour to Ida Vergil, the clever young Latinist from Vassar. She bears down upon them, dragging reluctant in her wake Thomas Pundit, a prize-winner from the verdant shades of Princeton. Now in breaking up this particular tête-à-tête, the châtelaine is making the mistake of her life. Ida has been listening with the deepest interest to Jack’s story of how he stood X—— on his head and made the famous end-run that saved the day for Yale. At this moment her indifference to all the classic authors is supreme. She greets Pundit as coldly as if he were indeed a Latin lexicon instead of a fairly good-looking young man. In this magical hour the glitter of his prizes is as nothing to her.

The over-zealous hostess perceives she has made a mistake, though she played the game according to her rules. If either party had shown signs of distress, if Ida had yawned behind her fan or Jack had cast furtive glances around the room indicating a desire to escape, Mrs. Anxious would have been justified in her manœuver. A certain hostess who lived not a hundred miles from the Hub used to irritate her guests very much by breaking up the conversation at the expiration of what she considered the time-limit. She entertained so charmingly in other respects that people enjoyed going to her house. But they disliked very much her habit of interrupting a talk. Most persons prefer to direct their own affairs. The guiding hand of the hostess should be felt rather than seen.

While her guests may rebel at the social maternalism which hampers their freedom of action, they prefer Mrs. Anxious to the inert or cold and formal house-mistress who seems quite indifferent to their welfare. The neglectful hostess may be lazy or inexperienced, or she may lack the true spirit of hospitality. In the first case her guests will forgive her if she is trying to do her best. Since laziness is a form of selfishness, the woman who takes no pains to provide entertainment for her friends is seldom popular. The worst offender, however, is the hostess who is so much occupied with her own amusements that she has neither time nor thought to bestow on other people. The question naturally arises in their minds, “Why did she invite us? Was it simply to show us her finely appointed household?”

During the morning hours the lady of the house may reasonably ask to be excused. She may be in the habit of breakfasting in her room, while later letters and household cares will occupy her time. If she does not expect to appear until the luncheon-hour, however, she should inquire overnight whether there is anything she can do for her guests in the morning. Although these will usually occupy themselves and amuse one another in the forenoon, their entertainer will have some plans probably for the afternoon and almost certainly for the evening. It is wise to arrange the night before, or betimes in the morning, the programme for the day, so that the guests will know what to expect. If these are all young people and the hostess an older woman, she will hardly take part in the more active out-of-door amusements. Where there is neither son nor daughter of the house, as deputy in the sports, it often happens that a young friend acts for the lady of the house.

The hostess should, if possible, be on hand to receive the adieux of the departing guests. If these are to leave in the morning and forget to inquire overnight about the train service, the hostess may with perfect propriety ask at what time they would like to start. She should do so in a tactful way, and might say, for instance: “At what hour are you obliged to be in New York, Miss Y——? I should like to let the chauffeur know to-night, so that he may be ready in good season to take you to the train.”

A “bread-and-butter letter” thanking the lady of the house for her hospitality should be written within a few days of the visit. If the guest is a young girl she should write very promptly, in order to let her hostess know of her safe arrival at her destination. Such a note need not be long, but it should show a cordial appreciation of the kindness received.

II

AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS FOR THE DÉBUTANTE—“THÉ DANSANT”

Dress and Behavior of Guests—Dress and Etiquette for the Hostess and Her Assistants—Formal and Informal Occasions—Who May Send Flowers.

AFTERNOON teas maintain their popularity because they present the simplest and easiest way of receiving one’s circle of friends and acquaintances. Like the magic cloak of fable, they expand or shrink to suit the requirements and resources of every hostess, whether she be rich or in modest circumstances, whether she wishes to ask several hundred persons to a stately city mansion or half a dozen friends to a quiet country villa. For presenting a young girl to society they are especially convenient. All the old family friends will appreciate the opportunity of seeing the débutante and welcoming her to her new sphere, without going to the trouble and expense of buying a new ball-dress and hiring a carriage. To many elderly people, evening dances, with the late hours, indigestible suppers, and fatigue necessarily involved, are very distasteful.