Part 2

The same is true concerning the sound made by clearing the throat and nasal passages, and coughing. These are all used as signals of vice; and many a giddy, but innocent girl has found herself in situations of great humiliation and danger, simply because she had not been forearmed with a little knowledge as to proper conduct in these matters.

Good form requires that the handkerchief be carried in the pocket out of sight; _never_ brought out in public excepting in a case of necessity, and then used as unobtrusively as possible. The importance of this matter is sufficient to warrant repetition even to line upon line and precept upon precept.

Those who will be able to do the best service in the closing work of the world’s history, to win the richest trophies for our coming King, will be those who, together with the “commandments of God and the faith of Jesus,” and the fulness of the Holy Spirit, will know and observe in deportment that which the world recognizes as good form.

IV.

The whole social problem, as regards pure living, home-making, and domestic comfort, depends on how young people, as such, shall deport themselves toward each other.

Some good people have seemed to suppose that, provided the children were converted, everything else would take care of itself, so that any specific instruction in “_manners_” must be superfluous, if not foolish. This is a fallacy of the same order as that which assumes that if a man is called of God to preach the gospel he needs no education or preparation, only to stand up, open his mouth, and give his vocal organs a chance to play, leaving God to do the rest; when the fact is that God will make good use of every faculty, and all the culture that is provided for him, but of _no more_. The name Christian should stand for the very best that is possible in education. Many a Christian man has brought reproach on the name of Christ, not because his heart was bad, but because his manners were. Many a woman of pure purpose, who would not have committed a gross act for the world, has alienated her husband, made her neighbors suspicious, and lost her good name, just because she did not know what things were of good report, and therefore what must be of evil report. And these disasters resulted from lack of proper training in the early home on some points that seem too trivial to think about twice, and which, doubtless, many will feel have no place in a dignified discussion anywhere. And yet since these small things concern so much of weal or woe, so much of honor or shame, we may well afford to take time for their consideration.

One of the things most commonly seen, and about which all the world smiles, is a boy and girl standing on opposite sides of the gate which opens toward her home. They have walked from school or church together, she has entered and closed the gate, and paused a moment for another word; he has taken this as an invitation to linger, and so they stand laughingly or seriously chatting, sometimes long after dark. The world calls it coquetry, but the young people do not mean it as such; to them it is probably far removed from every evil thought. They are innocent and honest; but you can not make the world, that is looking for evil, believe that they are not consciously flirting. It will estimate them accordingly, and soon begin to say, “That girl knows quite as much as she ought to;” and the good Christian people of the community will grow afraid of her as an associate for their daughters, even if those same daughters do the same thing.

These children have seen older young people, perhaps mother and the minister, stand and talk and laugh in the same way. Some may ask, “Well, why not?” Because it is not _good form_, because a bad social savor attaches to it, because, no matter who does it, unless they are very aged, or are, like Cæsar’s wife, absolutely above suspicion (and who can venture to assume such a thing for himself), they will lose in dignity, suffer in reputation, become the butt of some sly joke from the class of people who need the help that can only be given by men and women who do not “allow their good to be evil spoken of.”

If children and young people form the habit of stopping to talk at the gate, they will do it as men and women; and by doing it, draw the evil eye, and invite gossip. Teach your boy and girl that good form requires that when they arrive at the gate, if they wish to continue the conversation, both should go on into the house together; or that, after he has opened the gate and closed it after her, she should promptly say “Good morning,” or “Good evening,” and he should as promptly lift his hat, and walk away. If they enter the house together, good form requires that he, if he be young or old, should receive a family greeting, and that the members of the family shall be free to come to the parlor or sitting-room to which he has been taken, to remain and share in the conversation if they wish, until the call is ended.

Two young people should never suppose that they must sit in a parlor with closed doors; that father, mother, and every one else must be kept out of the way because Nellie’s friend (never call him a beau) has come to spend the evening. They should never consider it possible to extend that evening into and past the large hours of the night. This is one of Satan’s most fruitful wrecking devices, of which the young people will never think, themselves, unless their training has tended to push them off away from their natural social guides, and keep bad social models before them.

When the boy, or young man, comes to spend an evening because you have a daughter, give him just as much of yourself as possible; make yourself so indispensable to the young people that they will naturally come to you wherever you prefer to sit, rather than try to entertain each other without you. This is not an unheard of thing, although one will sometimes hear Christian people answer to this teaching as if it were very extreme indeed.

“How then will a young man be able to say anything special to the girl?” To which it may be answered that if he is not able to find some way which is perfectly consistent with every principle of decorum, he is not worth listening to; and if that is true of him, it will be because he did not have his share of the right sort of home life and training.

In the social world, where Good Form is as binding as the Decalogue is to the Christian, fathers and mothers have made it impossible for a young woman to think of entertaining her young man friend shut away alone with him. Strange to say, it has been the modest home, the Christian parent, who has allowed Satan to set this trap for unwary feet by leaving the young daughter, without one word of instruction, to entertain some young man, perhaps a stranger, who passed as her lover, shut away in the “parlor,” while everybody was given to understand that no one must disturb the mysterious solemnities of “keeping company,” even if they should continue into the small hours. And as a result of this disregard of simple good form, which is as a fence against recognized danger, untold sin and sorrow have resulted.

V.

The most worldly society decided long ago that it is very “bad form” for boys and girls of school age to think of _lovers_, of engagements, or of marriage. Not until the day of childish things is entirely passed, not until a young man has some settled purpose in life, some business or profession which insures an income, does “Good Society,” as it is called, smile upon any “serious intentions” between young people, and every effort is made to hold the children of the social world to this regulation.

All this is because of the fact which can not be repudiated that premature thinking along these channels is unhealthy, and disqualifies the youth for any real earnest preparation for practical life.

The world theoretically considers these preparatory years so important, and education so vital, that with every possible device it seeks to keep the children unconscious of sex, and of the burdens which this consciousness always brings, until they have attained something like maturity.

Of course the world fails, because it is trying to do by sheer force of human will, and by human methods from outside influence, that which can only be accomplished by the growing from within of a divinely planted principle. But that which the world is struggling after, that about which it has made so many laws, has written and talked so much, and in which it is so often foiled, Christian parents ought to find practical and easy, because of the power of the Spirit which always accompanies every truth.

It is a fact, however, that many worldly homes have succeeded at this point, because they have faithfully taught the principle, even if without prayer or faith; while many Christian homes have failed, with all their praying and so-called faith, because they have ignored the principle that marriage is for men and women, not for children; and that any association which takes cognizance of sex must be for marriage only; that if it is for any other object, it is coquetry, flirting, and consequently immoral.

This should be so faithfully taught to the growing child, and all words and conduct in home and Christian social life should be so under the control of this principle, and he should be so taught those habits of social intercourse which will protect him from premature and unhealthy thought, that he shall be able to grow up to the time of his own home-making untrammeled by the entanglements of unhallowed associations and their distracting memories.

Here again the boundaries of safety are marked by things which seem trivial. The social world counts it as “bad form” for young people to even shake hands upon introduction, because it has found out to its shame and disgrace that there is danger in a hand-shake; and I am free to say that this social extreme is better than the freedom which sometimes obtains, because by that the young people become practised in a looseness of conduct which opens the way for trouble.

“Good form” toned down from the extreme rigidity of the social world, so as to meet the requirements of ordinary Christian intercourse, would teach that the hand-shake should be just what its name indicates—a clasp, a shake, and then a _drop_. Teach your son that he should never place any lady in the embarrassing position of having her hand _crushed_, or _held_ one second; for if she has been properly taught, she will be sure that he is either ignorant, careless, or ungentlemanly in so doing; and if she is herself ignorant and careless, if she is weak enough to allow her hand to be held, she is in a condition where she needs to be protected from herself; and your son should be able to be that protector.

Teach your daughter that if any man clings to her fingers when she has given him her hand in friendly, cordial fashion, if he takes the liberty of placing his other hand under her elbow, or taking hold of her arm, that it is her privilege and duty to teach him that he has committed a breach of good manners by withdrawing her hand, forcibly if she must, and stepping out of his reach. And any young man who is worthy of her friendship will in his heart thank her for the rebuke, and profit by it.

Many a boy who has grown up in a family of sisters, and among their friends, has, in going out into the world, had to suffer over and over such tortures of chagrin and shame as were almost unendurable before he could learn those little things in “good form” which should have been taught him by precept and example in his home from childhood; and for a lack of the right teaching in this “hand-to-hand” relation, many a boy has been taken captive by shameless women, simply because he practised in the wider and more wicked world the free habits which were common in the neighborhood life at home, which, while neither right nor safe there, were not absolutely dangerous, because each knew everybody, and all were held to respectability by the short rein of close social relations.

Teach your daughter that it is not “good form” to allow a young man in walking with her to support her steps in any way, unless she has suffered some sudden injury. A sprained ankle would excuse any necessary help until a carriage could be called; or, if this were out of the question, until she was taken home. If she must have help, let her take his arm, and _hold on_; but teach your boy never to place his hand on a lady’s wrist, and lay her arm along his own, holding her by hand and elbow. This is a most vulgar method of supporting any excepting one’s own wife, sister, mother, or some aged woman.

There is no possible reason why any young woman, who is in health, should, even after dusk, need support from any man. She ought to be able to keep her place in the road or field, or on the sidewalk, just as well as he can, and walk independently of his hand or arm. The notion that a woman must have a man’s arm for support is off the same loaf with all the other nonsense which belongs to all the rest of that “clinging-vine theory” which assumes that she is of necessity so much the weaker as to need his constant attention and care, especially as long as she is young and attractive. The _old_ and wrinkled woman can as a rule take care of herself.

Woman has been made weaker than man by the sinful habits of life to which social custom condemned and held her during the Dark Ages. This subjugation was her part of the entailed curse. But from this, with all its disabilities, she is to become free in Christ; and our daughters trained in Christian homes should at least be able to walk anywhere that a young woman ought to go without leaning on some man for support.

How much more graceful are the movements of men and women as they walk together, keeping step, but far enough apart so that each is perfectly free, than when locked together by the arms, especially in daylight, on a smooth path.

As age comes on, it is a beautiful thing to see a son or daughter supporting the steps of father, mother, or grandparents; but it is a pathetic scene, the beauty of which depends entirely upon its necessity. As a show of any special regard which two people may have for each other, it is ridiculous.

VI.

Good form requires that in passing through a door or gate the younger shall always stand aside for the elder, and that care shall be taken to open and keep the door, especially if it swings both ways, so that it shall not hit any one in coming to.

I was once forcibly reminded of this article of the “good-form” code by seeing a vigorous young college student rush through a door without any regard to an elderly woman whom he met in the passage, and whom he almost knocked off her feet in the encounter, leaving the outside door to swing back against her slender hand as she caught it to prevent its hitting her in the face. He seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that he had met any one, and by this unconscious rudeness he published abroad the fact that he had been reared in utter disregard of ordinary courtesy. This young man is trying to do what is right; he wishes to do a good work in the world, but he is destined to feel the handicap of bad breeding, for which he is not responsible. He will be responsible, however, for continuance in bad form; for bad breeding may be made temporary in its effects by an earnest purpose to replace it by true culture. I knew a young man whose birth and surroundings in boyhood were as unpromising as could be imagined. His father was a very low, ignorant, drunken fellow, unclean and disgusting in all his habits, even when sober. His mother could neither read nor write, although she was possessed of intelligence and many true, womanly instincts, such as made it possible for the hovel in which they lived to bear some semblance to a home. This boy, who was the eldest of a large family, was bright enough to attract the attention of a “district visitor,” was clothed, and taken to the Sunday-school, and from thence went on through a career of self-denial, self-training, and culture, always seeking the best things, holding every advantage gained from point to point, finishing his preparatory work as one of the most polished and consecrated young men of a large college circle, paying his way by skilled labor in a machine-shop for a few hours each week, while he was being equipped for a large field of usefulness. He became especially distinguished for the elegance of his deportment toward all with whom he chanced to be brought into association. It was often said, “He never forgets himself,” “He always does the admirable thing,” “You can depend on _him_ to do the elegant always,” and the beauty of it all was that this was a part of his Christian life. He was always wanted, but the social world that coveted him knew that he could not be _had_ for anything that was inconsistent with Christ.

Teach your boys and girls this principle of deference to their elders, by example, as well as precept. Bring them up to practise it, with every other expression of cultivated manners, among themselves as brothers and sisters. The elder ones should, of course, never demand deference; that would be the worst of all bad forms. No true lady or gentleman will ever notice any disregard of personal rights. To demand this recognition, or to manifest resentment at its omission, is to forfeit one’s claim to it; but let each be ready to recognize the right of seniority, and that it is at least graceful for the younger ones to yield place and position to their elder brothers, sisters, and friends.

A well-bred girl or woman will open and hold the door for an old, elderly, or feeble man; will enter after him, and close the door herself, although he, if he has been trained in the habits of the “old school” of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to her the courtesy due her sex, and wait for her to pass, even if she should be young enough to be his granddaughter; but it will be a gracious act for her to unobtrusively hold the humbler place which properly belongs to her, and wait until he passes in, unless, as might sometimes happen, she would be in danger of attracting undue attention by making longer effort to thwart his courteous designs, as well as possibly cause delay to others. In such a case she should quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as she can without haste, so as to get out of the way.

Among men and women of the same generation it is expected that a man will be always ready to perform all those little chivalric courtesies for women everywhere which he would like other men to tender to his own mother, sister, wife, or special friend, and _no more_. For a boy or man to treat any other woman of the same age better than he treats his own mother, sister, or wife, reveals the bad, disloyal heart which will taint the very best social “good form” with corruption. To demand from others for one’s personal friends better treatment than he himself gives, is to at once publish that he is guilty of the most contemptible form of selfishness.

“I let no man abuse my folks but myself,” was the frank confession of a young man who was always ready to fight any one who would treat his “folks” with anything like the neglect and disrespect that was his constant habit.

The little attentions which should become habits in youth, because they help to that appearance which will serve as adornment to every good doctrine, is the placing of the chair in the most comfortable position possible for another; seating grandfather or grandmother, father or mother at the table; the adjustment of a light; picking up the article that has been dropped; not waiting to be asked to help if you should see that father, mother, or in fact, any one else, is looking for something which they do not seem to be able to find quickly, or if they are trying to save your steps by getting along with some inconvenience which you can see might, by a little effort on your part, be made to give place to convenience.

Nothing is ever lost “in the long run” by that sort of thoughtful care for others which is known as politeness. In traveling, or in passing in and out of a crowded church or hall, the truly well-bred man will never be found struggling in the midst of a jam to get through the door into the best seat, or up into the train before any one else. If he should be caught in a jam, he would not elbow people right and left; but would, while protecting his own person and those who are dependent upon him from injury, find his own chance of getting out of the tight place by helping others out.

In this selfish world nothing so quickly touches the popular heart as that sort of Christlikeness which is recognized as politeness to strangers in public places, and as carefulness in helping the weak, and in refraining from adding burdens to those who are hard-pressed by responsibilities. The man or woman who obtains control of the highest quality of influence is the one who has either from childhood been trained to think those thoughts that blossom out into beautiful considerateness, or who has taken himself in hand, and by vigorous self-training has pruned off the growth of selfish heedlessness, and grafted in the gentler graces of the Spirit.

One W. C. T. U. lecturer had been painfully impressed by the fact that baggagemen had to handle such heavy trunks. This was before so many little wheeled contrivances had been placed at their disposal. She accordingly supplied herself with two small trunks in place of the one large one, for no other reason than to save the backs of the men. Her kind intention was kept to herself for years, and it went unrecognized at its full value until at length one day she encountered a grumpy old baggageman, who seemed to have a special grudge against any woman with two checks. He was from the first moment very uncivil, and threatened her with a charge for excess of baggage. She said but little, only went quietly along the baggage-room with him, identified the two diminutive parcels, and waited. He looked at them, then at her, colored like one who was ashamed of himself, and said:—

“Be them all?”

“Yes, those are all.”

“Well, what made you make two of ’em?”

“That is my way of helping to lift one big trunk,” she said.

“Your what?”

“My way of helping you to lift one big trunk.”

“It is? Well, I never! You did it to save our backs?”

“Yes: I never wanted any old man or boy to strain himself over a big trunk for me, so I divided mine in two.”

“Well!” ejaculated the grumpy old fellow, who evidently did not know anything more to say. His whole heart had suddenly mellowed, his eyes grew red, and his hands trembled as, taking off his cap, he changed those checks with the air of one who was performing an act of religion.

When he came with the two little bits of metal to the waiting passenger, still carrying his cap in his hand, and when she took them with a “Thank you,” and put them in her purse, he looked timidly into her face as if to see if he could possibly be forgiven. She chose not to make much of the incident, so she did not seem to notice his perturbation, but with a simple “Good day,” left the baggage-room. But she knew very well that that old baggageman would never forget, and would perhaps be kinder to all the big trunks in the future for the sake of those little twin products of her kind intention.

VII.

“How I wish I knew just how one ought to behave in going into public places, meetings, and lectures,” said a young woman recently. Others have asked similar questions. I have heard something like this more than once: “Isn’t it dreadful not to know the little things that would prevent folks from looking at you and smiling in such a mean way?”