Part 4
_Hodge._ Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness!
_Doctor Rat._ Then let us hie us inward, and, Diccon, speed thy business.
_Diccon._ Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just, And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust; But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must, For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.
THE FOURTH ACT. THE THIRD SCENE.
DICCON, CHAT.
_Diccon._ Good even, dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place!
_Chat._ Good even, my friend Diccon; whither walk ye this pace?
_Diccon._ By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth. Heard ye no more of the other matter? say me now, by your troth!
_Chat._ O yes, Diccon, hear the old whore and Hodge, that great knave-- But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen--O Lord, I drest them brave! She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck, Till I made her old weasand to answer again, "keck!" And Hodge, that dirty dastard, that at her elbow stands-- If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands, He had had his beard shaven if my nails would have served, And not without a cause, for the knave is well deserved.
_Diccon._ By the mass, I can thee thank, wench, thou didst so well acquit thee!
_Chat._ And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit thee For laughter. The whoreson dolt at last caught up a club, As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub. But I set him soon inward.
_Diccon._ O Lord, there is the thing! That Hodge is so offended! that makes him start and fling!
_Chat._ Why? makes the knave any moiling, as ye have seen or heard?
_Diccon._ Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd, And sware by heaven and hell he would a-wreak his sorrow, And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow; Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust. Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.
_Chat._ The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.
_Diccon._ Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round. Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?
_Chat._ Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down, even within these two days.
_Diccon._ Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.
_Chat._ O Christ! that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his meed!
_Diccon._ Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed. I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.
_Chat._ I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell. By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter, He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water, With a worse turn besides; when he will, let him come.
_Diccon._ I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth "mum"!
THE FOURTH ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE.
DICCON, DOCTOR RAT.
_Diccon._ Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again. And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain!
_Doctor Rat._ What good news, Diccon, fellow? is mother Chat at home?
_Diccon._ She is, sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom; Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.
_Doctor Rat._ The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pass?
_Diccon._ I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better, And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.
_Doctor Rat._ Why, hast thou spied the nee'le? quickly, I pray thee, tell!
_Diccon._ I have spied it, in faith, sir, I handled myself so well; And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump. But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.
_Doctor Rat._ How so, I pray thee, Diccon?
_Diccon._ Marry, sir, will ye hear? She was clapp'd down on the backside, by Cock's mother dear, And there she sat sewing a halter or a band, With no other thing save gammer's needle in her hand. As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt, She needs but once puff, and her candle is out: Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin, Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within; And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes; Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.
_Doctor Rat._ O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead!
_Diccon._ Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed, I will bring you to a place, as the house stands, Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.
_Doctor Rat._ For God's sake do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.
_Diccon._ Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say; Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way! See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creep Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap; There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together. Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither!
_Doctor Rat._ Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not hereabout?
_Diccon._ I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt. Go softly, make no noise; give me your foot, sir John, Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.
[_D. Rat creeps in._
_Doctor Rat_ [_calling from within_]. Help, Diccon! out alas! I shall be slain among them!
_Diccon._ If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them. Ware that! How, my wenches! have ye caught the fox, That used to make revel among your hens and cocks? Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain. Gog's bread! I am afraid they will beat out his brain.
_Doctor Rat._ Woe worth the hour that I came here! And woe worth him that wrought this gear! A sort of drabs and queans have me blest-- Was ever creature half so evil drest? Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it! I will spend all I have without my skin But he shall be brought to the plight I am in! Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears, Will snaffle these murderers, and all that them bears: I will surely neither bite nor sup Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.
THE FIFTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.
MASTER BAILY, DOCTOR RAT.
_Baily._ I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart, But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part.
_Doctor Rat._ If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs, When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves, Then I confess my fault herein, at this season; But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.
_Baily._ And, methinks, by your own tale, of all that ye name, If any played the thief, you were the very same. The women they did nothing, as your words made probation, But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion. If that a thief at your window to enter should begin, Would you hold forth your hand and help to pull him in? Or you would keep him out? I pray you answer me.
_Doctor Rat._ Marry, keep him out! and a good cause why! But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.
_Baily._ Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark? I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose! Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse? Me-think you may be glad that your luck was no worse.
_Doctor Rat._ Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?
[_Showing his broken head._
_Baily._ Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink, As soon he smites his father as any other man, Because for lack of light discern him he ne can. Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?
_Doctor Rat._ I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain. If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.
_Baily._ By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks! To come in on the back side, when ye might go about! I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.
_Doctor Rat._ Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat. And know what she intended? I ask no more but that.
_Baily._ Let her be called, fellow, because of Master Doctor [_to Scapethrift_], I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor; She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose, And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.
THE FIFTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.
M. BAILY, CHAT, D. RAT, GAMMER, HODGE, DICCON.
_Baily._ Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you here complained That you and your maids should him much misorder, And taketh many an oath, that no word be feigned, Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder; And on his part again, that same man saith furder, He never offended you in word nor intent. To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.
_Chat._ That I would have murdered him? fie on him, wretch! And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech. I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts, He feigneth this tale out of his own guts; For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down. [_To Rat._] Nay, ye have other minions, in the other end of the town, Where ye were liker to catch such a blow, Than anywhere else, as far as I know!
_Baily._ Belike, then Master Doctor, yon stripe there ye got not!
_Doctor Rat._ Think you I am so mad that where I was bet I wot not? Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it? It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.
_Chat._ What, man, will you say I broke your head?
_Doctor Rat._ How canst thou prove the contrary?
_Chat._ Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed?
_Doctor Rat._ Too plainly, by St Mary, This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke! [_Showing his broken head._
_Chat._ Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke? I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.
_Doctor Rat._ No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst no light; But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks! And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks. [_Showing his head._
_Baily._ Answer me to this, Mast Rat: when caught you this harm of yours?
_Doctor Rat._ A while ago, sir, God he knoweth, within less than these two hours.
_Baily._ Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about that season? What, woman? let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.
_Chat._ Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar, And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me; But what is that to this man, since this was not he?
_Baily._ Who was it then? let's hear!
_Doctor Rat._ Alas, sir, ask you that? Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat? The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie, Only upon a bare nay she saith it was not I.
_Chat._ No, marry, was it not indeed! ye shall hear by this one thing: This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning, And bad me well look to my roost, and all my capons' pens, For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens. Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch; And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch. What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains, I wot not, but sure I am he had something for his pains!
_Baily._ Yet tell'st thou not who it was.
_Chat._ Who it was? A false thief, That came like a false fox, my pullen to kill and mischief!
_Baily._ But knowest thou not his name?
_Chat._ I know it, but what than? It was that crafty cullion Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.
_Baily._ Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks. I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks!
_Doctor Rat._ I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes; An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies: When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear, She layeth the fault in such a one as I know was not there.
_Chat._ Was he not there? look on his pate, that shall be his witness!
_Doctor Rat._ I would my head were half so whole; I would seek no redress!
_Baily._ God bless you, Gammer Gurton!
_Gammer._ God 'eild ye, master mine!
_Baily._ Thou hast a knave within thy house--Hodge, a servant of thine; They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one, That hen, pig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can have none.
_Gammer._ By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report! Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort.
_Chat._ A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching, nor more false; Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse; And thou, his dame--of all his theft thou art the sole receiver; For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never knew none better!
_Gammer._ Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door, Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore; And ich knew Hodge as bad as t'ou, ich wish me endless sorrow And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow!
_Chat._ What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favor'd old trot?
_Gammer._ A great deal more, by God's blest, than chever by thee got! That thou knowest well, I need not say it.
_Baily._ Stop there, I say, And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way, How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had.
_Gammer._ Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; a' be handled too bad.
_Chat._ Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know. But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw.
[_Thinking that Hodge his head was broke,_ _and that Gammer would not let him come before them._
_Gammer._ Chill show you his face, ich warrant thee; lo, now where he is!
_Baily._ Come on, fellow, it is told me thou art a shrew, i-wis: Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox; Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.
_Hodge._ Ich defy them all that dare it say, cham as true as the best!
_Baily._ Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest?
_Hodge._ Take there? no, master; chould not do't for a house full of gold!
_Chat._ Thou, or the devil in thy coat--swear this I dare be bold.
_Doctor Rat._ Swear me no swearing, quean, the devil he give thee sorrow! All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow! Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread! Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head!
_Hodge._ Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have burst thee! Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust thee!
_Chat._ Thou shitten knave, I trow thou knowest the full weight of my fist; I am foully deceived unless thy head and my door-bar kissed.
_Hodge._ Hold thy chat, whore; thou criest so loud, can no man else be heard?
_Chat._ Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy costard!
_Baily._ Sir, answer me to this: Is thy head whole or broken?
_Hodge._ Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good token, Is my head whole! Ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor scald! What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald? Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end.
_Baily._ Come nearer here!
_Hodge._ Yes, that ich dare.
_Baily._ By our Lady, here is no harm, Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm.
_Chat._ By Gog's blest, however the thing he cloaks or smolders, I know the blows he bare away, either with head or shoulders. Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens, And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens?
_Hodge._ A plague both on the hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart! Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and chwere as false as thou art! Give my gammer again her washical thou stole away in thy lap!
_Gammer._ Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap; This drab she keeps away my good, the devil he might her snare. Ich pray you that ich might have a right action on her [fare].
_Chat._ Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's? I am as true, I would thou knew, as skin between thy brows.
_Gammer._ Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger!
_Chat._ Thou shalt answer, by God's pity, for this thy foul slander!
_Baily._ Why, what can you charge her withal? to say so ye do not well.
_Gammer._ Marry, a vengeance to her heart! the whore has stol'n my nee'le!
_Chat._ Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock! So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock. And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten, The devil pull out thy lying tongue and teeth that be so rotten!
_Gammer._ Give me my nee'le! as for my cock, chould be very loth That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.
_Baily._ Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault.
_Gammer._ Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and salt!
_Baily._ Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold. Methinks you should remember this is no place to scold. How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?
_Gammer._ To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad.
_Baily._ Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly.
_Gammer._ Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly, Even he that looked on--will swear on a book-- What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took, Diccon, Master, the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.
_Baily._ A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him. I durst aventure well the price of my best cap, That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape, Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide?
_Gammer._ No, master, no indeed; for then he should have lied. My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.
_Chat._ Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine, Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten. That lying cut is lost that she is not swinged and beaten, And yet for all my good name it were a small amends! I pick not this gear, hear'st thou, out of my fingers' ends; But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name, Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.
_Baily._ This is the case: you lost your nee'le about the doors, And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours; Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend, She is whole five mile wide, from that she doth defend. Will you say she hath your cock?
_Gammer._ No, marry, sir, that chill not.
_Baily._ Will you confess her nee'le?
_Chat._ Will I? no, sir, will I not.
_Baily._ Then there lieth all the matter.
_Gammer._ Soft, master, by the way! Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay.
_Baily._ Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing, Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing. I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.
_Chat._ Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them, Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them.
_Baily._ What other thing beside this, dame Chat?
_Chat._ Marry, sir, even this. The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his; He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss, Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross! He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed, But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed. This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.
_Baily._ If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort.
_Doctor Rat._ By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes! Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes. Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet him?
_Chat._ Yes, by the mass, and if he came, bad me not stick to spit him.
_Doctor Rat._ God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round about! He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout! When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan, I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone; And this to try, he further said, he was full loth; howbeit He was content with small ado to bring me where to see it. And where ye sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his reed, Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead, And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout, And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out: And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees, I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees. Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell. In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well.
_Hodge._ Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that stour? And chad been there, Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill, by the mass, as Gaffer Vicar.
_Baily._ Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end. If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend. My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was; And goodwife Chat he set to scold, till both parts cried, alas! And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare. I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share.
_Hodge._ Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt! And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt.
_Baily._ Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him, wherever he be!
_Chat._ Fie on the villain, fie, fie! that makes us thus agree!
_Gammer._ Fie on him, knave, with all my heart! now fie, and fie again!
_Doctor Rat._ Now "fie on him!" may I best say, whom he hath almost slain.
_Baily._ Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far! Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare.
_Diccon._ God bless you, and you may be bless'd, so many all at once!
_Chat._ Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones! Seest not thy handiwork? Sir Rat, can ye forbear him?
_Diccon._ A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not near him. The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives' chairs, That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.
_Baily._ Nay, soft! thou may'st not play the knave, and have this language too! If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do. Confess the truth, as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable; And for thy fault I promise thee thy handling shall be reasonable. Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?
_Diccon._ What if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years: I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.
_Baily._ The greatest thing--Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd!
_Diccon._ What devil need he be groping so deep, in goodwife Chat's hens' nest?