Part 3

_Diccon._ Well, keep it till she be here, and then out let it pour! In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words of this. More of this matter within this hour to hear you shall not miss, Because I knew you are my friend, hide it I could not, doubtless. Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business! So fare ye well.

_Chat._ Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink! What, Doll, I say! Bring here a cup of the best ale; let's see, come quickly away!

THE SECOND ACT. THE THIRD SCENE.

HODGE, DICCON.

_Diccon._ Ye see, masters, that one end tapp'd of this my short device! Now must we broach th'other too, before the smoke arise; And by the time they have a while run, I trust ye need not crave it. But look, what lieth in both their hearts, ye are like, sure, to have it.

_Hodge._ Yea, Gog's soul, art alive yet? What, Diccon, dare ich come?

_Diccon._ A man is well hied to trust to thee; I will say nothing but mum; But and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet!

_Hodge._ Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found? that chould gladly weet.

_Diccon._ She may thank thee it is not found, for if you had kept thy standing, The devil he would have fet it out, ev'n, Hodge, at thy commanding.

_Hodge._ Gog's heart! and could he tell nothing where the nee'le might be found?

_Diccon._ Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground; Therefore his tale so doubtful was that I could not perceive it.

_Hodge._ Then ich see well something was said, chope one day yet to have it. But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry "ho, ho, ho"?

_Diccon._ If thou hadst tarried where thou stood'st, thou wouldst have said so!

_Hodge._ Durst swear of a book, cheard him roar, straight after ich was gone. But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave? let me hear it anon.

_Diccon._ The whoreson talked to me, I know not well of what. One while his tongue it ran and paltered of a cat, Another while he stammered still upon a rat; Last of all, there was nothing but every word, Chat, Chat; But this I well perceived before I would him rid, Between Chat, and the rat, and the cat, the needle is hid. Now whether Gib, our cat, hath eat it in her maw, Or Doctor Rat, our curate, have found it in the straw, Or this dame Chat, your neighbour, hath stolen it, God he knoweth! But by the morrow at this time, we shall learn how the matter goeth.

_Hodge._ Canst not learn to-night, man? seest not what is here?

[_Pointing behind to his torn breeches._

_Diccon._ 'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear.

_Hodge._ Alas, Diccon, then chave no shift; but--lest ich tarry too long-- Hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek for a thong, Therewith this breech to thatch and tie as ich may.

_Diccon._ To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet, shall see what I will say.

THE SECOND ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE.

DICCON, GAMMER.

_Diccon._ Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh. Be still a while, and say nothing; make here a little romth.

_Gammer._ Good lord! shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy? Alas, the while! 'tis past my help, where 'tis still it must lie!

_Diccon._ Now, Jesus! Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness? I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness.

_Gammer._ Who is that? What, Diccon? cham lost, man! fie, fie!

_Diccon._ Marry, fie on them that be worthy! but what should be your trouble?

_Gammer._ Alas! the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double. My goodly tossing spurrier's nee'le chave lost ich wot not where.

_Diccon._ Your nee'le? when?

_Gammer._ My nee'le, alas! ich might full ill it spare, As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave.

_Diccon._ If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all is safe.

_Gammer._ Why, know you any tidings which way my nee'le is gone?

_Diccon._ Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall hear anon, 'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these twenty hours, Even at this gate, before my face, by a neighbour of yours. She stooped me down, and up she took up a needle or a pin. I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin.

_Gammer._ It was my nee'le, Diccon, ich wot; for here, even by this post, Ich sat, what time as ich up start, and so my nee'le it lost: Who was it, leve son? speak, ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that!

_Diccon._ A subtle quean as any in this town, your neighbour here, dame Chat.

_Gammer._ Dame Chat, Diccon! Let me be gone, chill thither in post haste.

_Diccon._ Take my counsel yet or ye go, for fear ye walk in waste, It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be pleased; And ye take not the better way, our needle yet ye lose [it]: For when she took it up, even here before your doors, "What, soft, dame Chat" (quoth I), "that same is none of yours." "Avaunt" (quoth she), "sir knave! what pratest thou of that I find? I would thou hast kiss'd me I wot where"; she meant, I know, behind; And home she went as brag as it had been a body-louse, And I after, as bold as it had been the goodman of the house. But there and ye had heard her, how she began to scold! The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold! Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore of whores. Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le was yours.

_Gammer._ Gog's bread! and thinks that that callet thus to keep my nee'le me fro?

_Diccon._ Let her alone, and she minds none other but even to dress you so.

_Gammer._ By the mass, chill rather spend the coat that is on my back! Thinks the false quean by such a sleight, that chill my nee'le lack?

_Diccon._ Slip not your gear, I counsel you, but of this take good heed: Let not be known I told you of it, how well soever ye speed.

_Gammer._ Chill in, Diccon, and clean apern to take and set before me; And ich may my nee'le once see, chill, sure, remember thee!

THE SECOND ACT. THE FIFTH SCENE.

DICCON.

_Diccon._ Here will the sport begin; if these two once may meet, Their cheer, durst lay money, will prove scarcely sweet. My gammer, sure, intends to be upon her bones With staves, or with clubs, or else with cobble stones. Dame Chat, on the other side, if she be far behind I am right far deceived; she is given to it of kind. He that may tarry by it awhile, and that but short, I warrant him, trust to it, he shall see all the sport. Into the town will I, my friends to visit there, And hither straight again to see th'end of this gear. In the meantime, fellows, pipe up; your fiddles, I say, take them, And let your friends hear such mirth as ye can make them.

THE THIRD ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.

HODGE.

_Hodge._ Sim Glover, yet gramercy! cham meetly well-sped now, Th'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow! Here is a thong indeed, by the mass, though ich speak it; Tom Tankard's great bald curtal, I think, could not break it! And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard, Hase lent me here his nawl, to set the gib forward; As for my gammer's nee'le, the flying fiend go wi' it! Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet. Chould make shift good enough and chad a candle's end; The chief hole in my breech with these two chill amend.

THE THIRD ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

GAMMER, HODGE.

_Gammer._ Now Hodge, may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee; Ich know who hase my nee'le; ich trust soon shall it see.

_Hodge._ The devil thou does! hast heard, gammer, indeed, or dost but jest?

_Gammer._ 'Tis as true as steel, Hodge.

_Hodge._ Why, knowest well where didst lese it?

_Gammer._ Ich know who found it, and took it up! shalt see ere it be long.

_Hodge._ God's mother dear! if that be true, farewell both nawl and thong! But who hase it, gammer, say on; chould fain hear it disclosed.

_Gammer._ That false vixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself so honest.

_Hodge._ Who told you so?

_Gammer._ That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done.

_Hodge._ Diccon? it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable whoreson, Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil: By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil! O, the knave cried "_ho, ho!_" he roared and he thundered, And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you'ld murrainly ha' wondered.

_Gammer._ Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place?

_Hodge._ No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face, Chould have, promised him!

_Gammer._ But, Hodge, had he no horns to push?

_Hodge._ As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar Rush Painted on a cloth, with a side-long cow's tail, And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail? For all the world, if I should judge, chould reckon him his brother. Look, even what face Friar Rush had, the devil had such another.

_Gammer._ Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge! did Diccon in him bring?

_Hodge._ Nay, gammer, hear me speak, chill tell you a greater thing. The devil (when Diccon had him, ich heard him wondrous well) Said plainly here before us, that dame Chat had your nee'le.

_Gammer._ Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it; Seeing we know so much, 'twere a madness now to slip it.

_Hodge._ Go to her, gammer; see ye not where she stands in her doors? Bid her give you the nee'le, 'tis none of hers but yours.

THE THIRD ACT. THE THIRD SCENE.

GAMMER, CHAT, HODGE.

_Gammer._ Dame Chat, ch'ould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine! Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is thine; Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside thee.

_Chat._ Why art thou crept from home hither, to mine own doors to chide me? Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee further! Intends thou and that knave me in my house to murther?

_Gammer._ Tush, gape not so on me, woman! shalt not yet eat me, Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me! Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no by leave: What, woman! poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve.

_Chat._ Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's brood! What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good?

_Gammer._ Chill say nothing, ich warrant thee, but that ich can prove it well. Thou set my good even from my door, cham able this to tell!

_Chat._ Did I, old witch, steal aught was thine? how should that thing be known?

_Gammer._ Ich cannot tell; but up thou tookest it as though it had been thine own.

_Chat._ Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my very heart!

_Gammer._ Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp, thou rig, with all that take thy part!

_Chat._ A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge!

_Gammer._ A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is so large!

_Chat._ Come out, hog!

_Gammer._ Come out, hog, and let have me right!

_Chat._ Thou arrant witch!

_Gammer._ Thou bawdy bitch, chill make thee curse this night!

_Chat._ A bag and a wallet!

_Gammer._ A cart for a callet!

_Chat._ Why, weenest thou thus to prevail? I hold thee a groat, I shall patch thy coat!

_Gammer._ Thou wert as good kiss my tail! Thou slut, thou cut, thou rakes, thou jakes! will not shame make thee hide thee?

_Chat._ Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten, thou glutton! I will no longer chide thee; But I will teach thee to keep home.

_Gammer._ Wilt thou, drunken beast?

[_They fight._

_Hodge._ Stick to her, gammer, take her by the head, chill warrant you this feast! Smite, I say, gammer! Bite, I say, gammer! I trow ye will be keen! Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen. Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head!

_Chat._ I trow, drab, I shall dress thee. Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat! I shall make these hands bless thee! Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy tongue well to tame, And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow but thy dame!

_Hodge._ Where is the strong stewed whore? chill gi'r a whore's mark! Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark! Up, gammer, and ye be alive! chill fight now for us both. Come no near me, thou scald callet! to kill thee ich were loth.

_Chat._ Art here again, thou hoddypeke? what, Doll! bring me out my spit.

_Hodge._ Chill broach thee with this, by m'father's soul, chill conjure that foul spreet. Let door stand. Cock! why com'st indeed? keep door, thou whoreson boy!

_Chat_ [_to Doll_]. Stand to it, thou dastard, for thine ears, ise teach thee, a sluttish toy!

_Hodge._ Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee avaunt! Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch!

_Chat._ I'faith, sir Loose-breech, had ye tarried, ye should have found your match!

_Gammer._ Now 'ware thy throat, losel, thou'se pay for all!

_Hodge._ Well said, gammer, by my soul. Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull her throat-bole!

_Chat._ Com'st behind me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foot! Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather! I'll teach thee what longs to 't! Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more!

_Hodge._ Up, gammer, stand on your feet; where is the old whore? Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack her callet crown!

_Gammer._ Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when vixen had me down?

_Hodge._ By the mass, gammer, but for my staff Chat had gone nigh to spill you! Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you. But shall we lose our nee'le thus?

_Gammer._ No, Hodge, chwere loth to do so. Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodge, ich tell thee no.

_Hodge._ Chould yet this fray were well take up, and our nee'le at home, 'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it be or whom!

_Gammer._ We have a parson, Hodge, thou knows, a man esteemed wise, Mast Doctor Rat; chill for him send, and let me hear his advice. He will her shrive for all this gear, and give her penance straight; Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er within heaven-gate.

_Hodge._ Yea, marry, gammer, that ich think best: will you now for him send? The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner wese ha' an end. And here, gammer! Diccon's devil, as ich remember well, Of cat, and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felonious tale did tell. Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le to get again.

_Gammer._ Chill ha' him straight! Call out the boy, wese make him take the pain.

_Hodge._ What, Cock, I say! come out! What devil! can'st not hear?

_Cock._ How now, Hodge? how does gammer, is yet the weather clear? What would chave me to do?

_Gammer._ Come hither, Cock, anon! Hence swith to Doctor Rat, hie thee that thou were gone, And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease. Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's; Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop, for as cheard it reported, There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted.

_Cock._ And shall ich bring him with me, gammer?

_Gammer._ Yea, by and by, good Cock.

_Cock._ Shalt see that shall be here anon, else let me have on the dock.

_Hodge._ Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming? What devil, woman! pluck up your heart, and leave off all this glooming. Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her, Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time ye came behind her.

_Gammer._ Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for, set th'end to the beginning, And ich doubt not but she will make small boast of her winning.

THE THIRD ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE.

TIB, HODGE, GAMMER, COCK.

_Tib._ See, gammer, gammer, Gib, our cat, cham afraid what she aileth; She stands me gasping behind the door, as though her wind her faileth: Now let ich doubt what Gib should mean, that now she doth so doat.

_Hodge._ Hold hither! I chould twenty pound, your nee'le is in her throat. Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it; does not prick your hand?

_Gammer._ Ich can feel nothing.

_Hodge._ No! ich know there's not within this land A murrainer cat than Gib is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne; Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in mine.

_Tib._ Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down; Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town Ich cannot tell.

_Gammer._ Alas, ich fear it be some crooked pin! And then farewell Gib! she is undone, and lost all save the skin!

_Hodge._ 'Tis your nee'le, woman, I say! Gog's soul! give me a knife, And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life!

_Gammer._ What! nay, Hodge, fie! Kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now.

_Hodge._ By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not what I kill, ma' God a vow! Go to, then, Tib, to this gear! hold up her tail and take her! Chill see what devil is in her guts! chill take the pains to rake her!

_Gammer._ Rake a cat, Hodge! what wouldest thou do?

_Hodge._ What, think'st that cham not able? Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day standing in the stable?

_Gammer._ Soft! be content, let's hear what news Cock bringeth from Mast Rat.

_Cock._ Gammer, chave been there as you bad, you wot well about what. 'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear off a book, He bids you see ye be at home, and there for him to look.

_Gammer._ Where didst thou find him, boy? was he not where I told thee?

_Cock._ Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and sold me! A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire; Chad much ado to go and come, all was so full of mire. And, gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nawl was lost, And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post. I chold a penny can say something, your nee'le again to set.

_Gammer._ Cham glad to hear so much, Cock, then trust he will not let To help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come Let us go in; if there be ought to get thou shalt have some.

THE FOURTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.

DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER GURTON.

_Doctor Rat._ A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark, Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk, Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while a day, But he must trudge about the town, this way and that way; Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent, And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment! I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale, But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail, And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what! If once her finger's-end but ache--trudge, call for Doctor Rat! And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose; For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose. I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale, The matter whereabout I come is not worth a halfpennyworth of ale; Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloser Else ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser. What work ye, Gammer Gurton? How? here is your friend Mast Rat.

_Gammer._ Ah! good Mast Doctor! 'cha troubled, 'cha troubled you, 'chwot well that.

_Doctor Rat._ How do ye, woman? be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease?

_Gammer._ By Gis, Master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease. Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you, by gigs!

_Doctor Rat._ Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs?

_Gammer._ No, but chad been as good they had as this, ich wot well.

_Doctor Rat._ What is the matter?

_Gammer._ Alas, alas! 'cha lost my good nee'le! My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what, a drab came by and spied it, And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

_Doctor Rat._ What was she that?

_Gammer._ A dame, ich warrant you! She began to scold and brawl-- Alas, alas! come hither, Hodge! this wretch can tell you all.

THE FOURTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

HODGE, DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER, DICCON.

_Hodge._ Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.

_Doctor Rat._ Come on, fellow, let us hear! Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear; Let's see what thou canst say.

_Hodge._ By m' fay, sir, that ye shall, What matter soever there was done, ich can tell your maship [all]: My Gammer Gurton here, see now, Sat her down at this door, see now; And, as she began to stir her, see now, Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now; And while her staff she took, see now, At Gib her cat to fling, see now, Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now-- Is not this a wondrous thing, see now? Then came the quean dame Chat, see now, To ask for her black cup, see now: And even here at this gate, see now, She took that nee'le up, see now: My gammer then she yede, see now, Her nee'le again to bring, see now, And was caught by the head, see now-- Is not this a wondrous thing, see now? She tare my gammer's coat, see now, And scratched her by the face, see now; Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now-- Is not this a wondrous case, see now? When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now, And stert between them twain, see now; Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now, My gammer had been slain, see now.

_Gammer._ This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told; And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould. But help us, good Master, beseech ye that ye do: Else shall we both be beaten and lose our nee'le too.

_Doctor Rat._ What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone; I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one. But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?

_Gammer._ Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground. Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me: And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity!

_Doctor Rat._ Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express. Wilt thou be sworn thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?

_Diccon._ Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me rave!

_Gammer._ Why, did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for shame deny it?

_Diccon._ Ay, marry, gammer; but I said I would not abide by it.

_Doctor Rat._ Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?

_Diccon._ "Stick to it," quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it! Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known. If such a toy be used oft among the honesty, It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.

_Doctor Rat._ Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell!

_Diccon._ Yea, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel. If mother Chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes; Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close, And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use, That ere ye could go twice to church I warrant you hear news. She shall look well about her, but, I durst lay a pledge, Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.

_Gammer._ Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.

_Doctor Rat._ By the mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.

_Diccon._ 'Tis but a little while, man; what! take so much pain! If I hear no news of it, I will come sooner again.