Part 2

_Hodge._ Nay, but ich saw such a wonder as ich saw nat this seven year. Tom Tankard's cow, by Gog's bones! she set me up her sail, And flinging about his half acre, fisking with her tail, As though there had been in her arse a swarm of bees, And chad not cried "tphrowh, whore," shea'd leapt out of his lees.

_Diccon._ Why, Hodge, lies the cunning in Tom Tankard's cow's tail?

_Hodge._ Well, ich chave heard some say such tokens do not fail. But canst thou not tell, in faith, Diccon, why she frowns, or whereat? Hath no man stolen her ducks or hens, or gelded Gib, her cat?

_Diccon._ What devil can I tell, man? I could not have one word! They gave no more heed to my talk than thou wouldst to a lord.

_Hodge._ Ich cannot skill but muse, what marvellous thing it is. Chill in and know myself what matters are amiss.

_Diccon._ Then farewell, Hodge, a while, since thou dost inward haste, For I will into the good wife Chat's, to feel how the ale doth taste.

THE FIRST ACT. THE THIRD SCENE.

HODGE, TIB.

_Hodge._ Cham aghast; by the mass, ich wot not what to do. Chad need bless me well before ich go them to. Perchance some felon sprit may haunt our house indeed; And then chwere but a noddy to venture where cha' no need.

_Tib._ Cham worse than mad, by the mass, to be at this stay! Cham chid, cham blam'd, and beaten, all th'hours on the day; Lamed and hunger-starved, pricked up all in jags, Having no patch to hide my back, save a few rotten rags!

_Hodge._ I say, Tib, if thou be Tib, as I trow sure thou be, What devil make-ado is this, between our dame and thee?

_Tib._ Gog's bread, Hodge, thou had a good turn thou wert not here this while! It had been better for some of us to have been hence a mile; My gammer is so out of course and frantic all at once, That Cock, our boy, and I, poor wench, have felt it on our bones.

_Hodge._ What is the matter--say on, Tib--whereat she taketh so on?

_Tib._ She is undone, she saith; alas! her joy and life is gone! If she hear not of some comfort, she is, faith! but dead; Shall never come within her lips one inch of meat ne bread.

_Hodge._ By'r lady, cham not very glad to see her in this dump. Chold a noble her stool hath fallen, and she hath broke her rump.

_Tib._ Nay, and that were the worst, we would not greatly care For bursting of her huckle-bone, or breaking of her chair; But greater, greater, is her grief, as, Hodge, we shall all feel!

_Hodge._ Gog's wounds, Tib, my gammer has never lost her nee'le?

_Tib._ Her nee'le!

_Hodge._ Her nee'le?

_Tib._ Her nee'le! by him that made me, it is true, Hodge, I tell thee.

_Hodge._ Gog's sacrament! I would she had lost th'heart out of her belly! The devil, or else his dame, they ought her, sure a shame! How a murrion came this chance, say, Tib! unto our dame?

_Tib._ My gammer sat her down on her pes, and bad me reach thy breeches, And by and by--a vengeance in it! ere she had take two stitches To clout a clout upon thine arse, by chance aside she leers, And Gib, our cat, in the milk-pan she spied over head and ears. "Ah, whore! out, thief!" she crief aloud, and swept the breeches down. Up went her staff, and out leapt Gib at doors into the town, And since that time was never wight could set their eyes upon it. Gog's malison chave Cock and I bid twenty times light on it.

_Hodge._ And is not then my breeches sewed up, to-morrow that I should wear?

_Tib._ No, in faith, Hodge, thy breeches lie for all this never the near.

_Hodge._ Now a vengeance light on all the sort, that better should have kept it, The cat, the house, and Tib, our maid, that better should have swept it! See where she cometh crawling! come on, in twenty devils' way! Ye have made a fair day's work, have you not? pray you, say!

THE FIRST ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE.

GAMMER, HODGE, TIB, COCK.

_Gammer._ Alas, Hodge, alas! I may well curse and ban This day, that ever I saw it, with Gib and the milk-pan; For these and ill-luck together, as knoweth Cock, my boy, Have stack away my dear nee'le, and robbed me of my joy, My fair long straight nee'le, that was mine only treasure; The first day of my sorrow is, and last end of my pleasure!

_Hodge_ (_aside_). Might ha' kept it, when ye had it! but fools will be fools still, Lose that is vast in your hands ye need not but ye will.

_Gammer._ Go hie thee, Tib, and run thou, whore, to th'end here of the town! Didst carry out dust in thy lap? seek where thou pourest it down; And as thou sawest me roking, in the ashes where I mourned, So see in all the heap of dust thou leave no straw unturned.

_Tib._ That chall, Gammer, swyth and tite, and soon be here again!

_Gammer._ Tib, stoop and look down to the ground to it, and take some pain.

_Hodge._ Here is a pretty matter, to see this gear how it goes: By Gog's soul, I think you would lose your arse, and it were loose! Your nee'le lost? it is pity you should lack care and endless sorrow. Gog's death! how shall my breeches be sewed? Shall I go thus to-morrow?

_Gammer._ Ah, Hodge, Hodge! if that ich could find my nee'le, by the reed, Ch'ould sew thy breeches, ich promise thee, with full good double thread, And set a patch on either knee should last this moneths twain. Now God and good Saint Sithe, I pray to send it home again!

_Hodge._ Whereto served your hands and eyes, but this your nee'le to keep? What devil had you else to do? ye keep, ich wot, no sheep! Cham fain abroad to dig and delve, in water, mire, and clay, Sossing and possing in the dirt still from day to day. A hundred things that be abroad, cham set to see them well, And four of you sit idle at home, and cannot keep a nee'le!

_Gammer._ My nee'le! alas! ich lost it, Hodge, what time ich me up hasted To save the milk set up for thee, which Gib, our cat, hath wasted.

_Hodge._ The devil he burst both Gib and Tib, with all the rest! Cham always sure of the worst end, whoever have the best! Where ha' you been fidging abroad, since you your nee'le lost?

_Gammer._ Within the house, and at the door, sitting by this same post, Where I was looking a long hour, before these folks came here; But, wellaway, all was in vain, my nee'le is never the near!

_Hodge._ Set me a candle, let me seek, and grope wherever it be. Gog's heart, ye be foolish ich think, you know it not when you it see!

_Gammer._ Come hither, Cock: what, Cock, I say!

_Cock._ How, Gammer?

_Gammer._ Go, hie thee soon, And grope behind the old brass pan, which thing when thou hast done, There shalt thou find an old shoe, wherein, if thou look well, Thou shalt find lying an inch of a white tallow candle; Light it, and bring it tite away.

_Cock._ That shall be done anon.

_Gammer._ Nay, tarry, Hodge, till thou hast light, and then we'll seek each one.

_Hodge._ Come away, ye whoreson boy, are ye asleep? ye must have a crier!

_Cock._ Ich cannot get the candle light: here is almost no fire.

_Hodge._ Chill hold thee a penny, chill make thee come, if that ich may catch thine ears! Art deaf, thou whoreson boy? Cock, I say; why, canst not hear?

_Gammer._ Beat him not, Hodge, but help the boy, and come you two together.

THE FIRST ACT. THE FIFTH SCENE.

GAMMER, TIB, COCK, HODGE.

_Gammer._ How now, Tib? quick, let's hear what news thou hast brought hither!

_Tib._ Chave tost and tumbled yonder heap over and over again, And winnowed it through my fingers, as men would winnow grain; Not so much as a hen's turd, but in pieces I tare it; Or whatsoever clod or clay I found, I did not spare it, Looking within and eke without, to find your nee'le, alas! But all in vain and without help! your nee'le is where it was.

_Gammer._ Alas, my nee'le! we shall never meet! adieu, adieu, for aye!

_Tib._ Not so, Gammer, we might it find, if we knew where it lay.

_Cock._ Gog's cross, Gammer, if ye will laugh, look in but at the door, And see how Hodge lieth tumbling and tossing amids the flour, Raking there some fire to find among the ashes dead, Where there is not one spark so big as a pin's head: At last in a dark corner two sparks he thought he sees, Which were indeed nought else but Gib our cat's two eyes. "Puff!" quod Hodge, thinking thereby to have fire without doubt; With that Gib shut her two eyes, and so the fire was out; And by and by them opened, even as they were before; With that the sparks appeared, even as they had done of yore; And even as Hodge blew the fire (as he did think), Gib, as she felt the blast, straightway began to wink; Till Hodge fell of swearing, as came best to his turn, The fire was sure bewitch'd, and therefore would not burn; At last Gib up the stairs, among the old posts and pins, And Hodge he hied him after, till broke were both his shins: Cursing and swearing oaths were never of his making, That Gib would fire the house if that she were not taken.

_Gammer._ See, here is all the thought that the foolish urchin taketh! And Tib, me-think, at his elbow almost as merry maketh. This is all the wit ye have, when others make their moan. Come down, Hodge, where art thou? and let the cat alone!

_Hodge._ Gog's heart, help and come up! Gib in her tail hath fire, And is like to burn all, if she get a little higher! Come down, quoth you? nay, then you might count me a patch, The house cometh down on your heads, if it take once the thatch.

_Gammer._ It is the cat's eyes, fool, that shineth in the dark.

_Hodge._ Hath the cat, do you think, in every eye a spark?

_Gammer._ No, but they shine as like fire as ever man see.

_Hodge._ By the mass, and she burn all, you sh' bear the blame for me!

_Gammer._ Come down and help to seek here our nee'le, that it were found. Down, Tib, on the knees, I say! Down, Cock, to the ground! To God I make a vow, and so to good Saint Anne, A candle shall they have a-piece, get it where I can, If I may my nee'le find in one place or in other.

_Hodge._ Now a vengeance on Gib light, on Gib and Gib's mother, And all the generation of cats both far and near! Look on the ground, whoreson, thinks thou the nee'le is here?

_Cock._ By my troth, Gammer, me-thought your nee'le here I saw, But when my fingers touch'd it, I felt it was a straw.

_Tib._ See, Hodge, what's this? may it not be within it?

_Hodge._ Break it, fool, with thy hand, and see and thou canst find it.

_Tib._ Nay, break it you, Hodge, according to your word.

_Hodge._ Gog's sides! fie! it stinks! it is a cat's turd! It were well done to make thee eat it, by the mass!

_Gammer._ This matter amendeth not; my nee'le is still where it was. Our candle is at an end, let us all in quite, And come another time, when we have more light.

THE SECOND ACT.

_First a_ SONG.

_Back and side go bare, go bare, Both foot and hand go cold; But, belly, God send thee good ale enough. Whether it be new or old._

_I cannot eat but little meat, My stomach is not good; But sure I think that I can drink With him that wears a hood. Though I go bare, take ye no care, I am nothing a-cold; I stuff my skin so full within Of jolly good ale and old. Back and side go bare, go bare, &c._

_I love no roast but a nut-brown toast And a crab laid in the fire. A little bread shall do me stead: Much bread I not desire. No frost nor snow, no wind, I trow, Can hurt me if I would; I am so wrapt, and thoroughly lapt Of jolly good ale and old. Back and side go bare, &c._

_And Tib my wife, that as her life Loveth well good ale to seek, Full oft drinks she till ye may see The tears run down her cheek: Then doth she trowl to me the bowl Even as a malt-worm should: And saith, sweet heart, I took my part Of this jolly good ale and old. Back and side go bare, &c._

_Now let them drink till they nod and wink, Even as good fellows should do; They shall not miss to have the bliss Good ale doth bring men to; And all poor souls that have scoured bowls, Or have them lustly troll'd. God save the lives of them and their wives, Whether they be young or old. Back and side go bare, &c._

THE SECOND ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.

DICCON, HODGE.

_Diccon._ Well done, by Gog's malt! well sung and well said! Come on, mother Chat, as thou art true maid, One fresh pot of ale let's see, to make an end Against this cold weather my naked arms to defend! This gear it warms the soul! now, wind, blow on thy worst! And let us drink and swill till that our bellies burst! Now were he a wise man by cunning could define Which way my journey lieth, or where Diccon will dine! But one good turn I have: be it by night or day, South, east, north or west, I am never out of my way!

_Hodge._ Chim goodly rewarded, cham I not, do you think? Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink! Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor fish, Save this poor piece of barley-bread: 'tis a pleasant costly dish!

_Diccon._ Hail, fellow Hodge, and well to fare with thy meat, if you have any: But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy daintrels be not many.

_Hodge._ Daintrels, Diccon? Gog's soul, man, save this piece of dry horsebread, Cha bit no bit this livelong day, no crumb come in my head: My guts they yawl-crawl, and all my belly rumbleth, The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other tumbleth. By Gog's heart, cham so vexed, and in my belly penn'd, Chould one piece were at the spital-house, another at the castle end!

_Diccon._ Why, Hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set?

_Hodge._ Gog's bread, Diccon, ich came too late, was nothing there to get! Gib (a foul fiend might on her light!) licked the milk-pan so clean, See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven year, as ich ween! A pestilence light on all ill-luck! chad thought, yet for all this Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss: But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do, Gog's souls, Diccon! Gib, our cat, had eat the bacon too!

[_Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before._

_Diccon._ Ill-luck, quod he! marry, swear it, Hodge! this day, the truth tell, Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well. Thy milk slopped up! thy bacon filched! that was too bad luck, Hodge!

_Hodge._ Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my Gammer ga' me the dodge; Seest not how cham rent and torn, my heels, my knees, and my breech? Chad thought, as ich sat by the fire, help here and there a stitch: But there ich was pouped indeed.

_Diccon._ Why, Hodge?

_Hodge._ Boots not, man, to tell. Cham so drest amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell. My Gammer (cham ashamed to say) by God, served me no well.

_Diccon._ How so, Hodge?

_Hodge._ Has she not gone, trowest now, and lost her nee'le?

_Diccon._ Her eel, Hodge? who fished of late? that was a dainty dish!

_Hodge._ Tush, tush, her nee'le, her nee'le, her nee'le, man! 'tis neither flesh nor fish; A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any sil'er, Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as any pillar.

_Diccon._ I know not what a devil thou meanest, thou bring'st me more in doubt.

_Hodge._ Knowest not with what Tom-tailor's man sits broaching through a clout? A nee'le, a nee'le, a nee'le! my Gammer's nee'le is gone.

_Diccon._ Her nee'le, Hodge! now I smell thee! that was a chance alone! By the mass, thou hast a shameful loss, and it were but for thy breeches.

_Hodge._ Gog's soul, man, chould give a crown chad it but three stitches.

_Diccon._ How sayest thou, Hodge? what should he have, again thy needle got?

_Hodge._ By m'father's soul, and chad it, chould give him a new groat.

_Diccon._ Canst thou keep counsel in this case?

_Hodge._ Else chwold my tongue were out.

_Diccon._ Do than but then by my advice, and I will fetch it without doubt.

_Hodge._ Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill delve, Chill toil, chill trudge, shalt see; Chill hold, chill draw, chill pull, chill pinch, Chill kneel on my bare knee; Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek, Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat, Chill stoop, chill stour, chill cap, chill kneel, Chill creep on hands and feet; Chill be thy bondman, Diccon, ich swear by sun and moon, And channot somewhat to stop this gap, cham utterly undone!

[_Pointing behind to his torn breeches._

_Diccon._ Why, is there any special cause thou takest hereat such sorrow?

_Hodge._ Kirstian Clack, Tom Simpson's maid, by the mass, comes hither to-morrow, Cham not able to say, between us what may hap; She smiled on me the last Sunday, when ich put off my cap.

_Diccon._ Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight, and must be kept close, It might else turn to both our costs, as the world now goes. Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge?

_Hodge._ Chill, Diccon.

_Diccon._ Then go to, Lay thine hand here; say after me, as thou shalt hear me do. Hast no book?

_Hodge._ Cha no book, I.

_Diccon._ Then needs must force us both, Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath.

_Hodge._ I, Hodge, breechless Swear to Diccon, rechless, By the cross that I shall kiss, To keep his counsel close, And always me to dispose To work that his pleasure is.

[_Here he kisseth Diccon's breech._

_Diccon._ Now, Hodge, see thou take heed, And do as I thee bid; For so I judge it meet; This needle again to win, There is no shift therein, But conjure up a spreet.

_Hodge._ What, the great devil, Diccon, I say?

_Diccon._ Yea, in good faith, that is the way. Fet with some pretty charm.

_Hodge._ Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet, By the mass, for ich begin to sweat! Cham afraid of some harm.

_Diccon._ Come hither, then, and stir thee not One inch out of this circle plat, But stand as I thee teach.

_Hodge._ And shall ich be here safe from their claws?

_Diccon._ The master-devil with his long paws Here to thee cannot reach-- Now will I settle me to this gear.

_Hodge._ I say, Diccon, hear me, hear! Go softly to this matter!

_Diccon._ What devil, man? art afraid of nought?

_Hodge._ Canst not tarry a little thought Till ich make a courtesy of water?

_Diccon._ Stand still to it; why shouldest thou fear him?

_Hodge._ Gog's sides, Diccon, me-think ich hear him! And tarry, chall mar all!

_Diccon._ The matter is no worse than I told it.

_Hodge._ By the mass, cham able no longer to hold it! Too bad! ich must beray the hall!

_Diccon._ Stand to it, Hodge! stir not, you whoreson! What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten? Thyself a while but stay, The devil (I smell him) will be here anon.

_Hodge_. Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone! Chill not be at that fray!

THE SECOND ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

DICCON, CHAT.

_Diccon._ Fie, shitten knave, and out upon thee! Above all other louts, fie on thee! Is not here a cleanly prank, But thy matter was no better, Nor thy presence here no sweeter, To fly I can thee thank. Here is a matter worthy glosing, Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing, And a foul piece of wark! A man I think might make a play, And need no word to this they say Being but half a clerk.

Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge This matter further to enlarge Within a time short. If ye will mark my toys, and note, I will give ye leave to cut my throat If I make not good sport.

Dame Chat, I say, where be ye? within?

_Chat._ Who have we there maketh such a din?

_Diccon._ Here is a good fellow, maketh no great danger.

_Chat._ What, Diccon? Come near, ye be no stranger. We be fast set at trump, man, hard by the fire; Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher.

_Diccon._ Nay, nay, there is no tarrying; I must be gone again. But first for you in counsel I have a word or twain.

_Chat._ Come hither, Doll! Doll, sit down and play this game, And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same. There is five trumps besides the queen, the hindmost thou shalt find her. Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye behind her! Now, Diccon, say your will.

_Diccon._ Nay, soft a little yet; I would not tell it my sister, the matter is so great. There I will have you swear by Our Dear Lady of Boulogne, Saint Dunstan, and Saint Dominic, with the three Kings of Cologne, That ye shall keep it secret.

_Chat._ Gog's bread! that will I do! As secret as mine own thought, by God and the devil too!

_Diccon._ Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbour, a sad and heavy wight: Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this last night.

_Chat._ Gog's soul! her cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowed so just?

_Diccon._ That cock is stolen.

_Chat._ What, was he fet out of the hen's roost?

_Diccon._ I cannot tell where the devil he was kept, under key or lock; But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock.

_Chat._ Have I, strong whore? by bread and salt!--

_Diccon._ What, soft, I say, be still! Say not one word for all this gear.

_Chat._ By the mass, that I will! I will have the young whore by the head, and the old trot by the throat.

_Diccon._ Not one word, dame Chat, I say; not one word for my coat!

_Chat._ Shall such a beggar's brawl as that, thinkest thou, make me a thief? The pox light on her whore's sides, a pestilence and mischief! Come out, thou hungry needy bitch! O, that my nails be short!

_Diccon._ Gog's bread, woman, hold your peace! this gear will else pass sport! I would not for an hundred pound this matter should be known, That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown. Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told? I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye would.

_Chat._ Would you suffer, yourself, Diccon, such a sort to revile you, With slanderous words to blot your name, and so to defile you?

_Diccon._ No, Goodwife Chat, I would be loth such drabs should blot my name; But yet ye must so order all that Diccon bear no blame.

_Chat._ Go to, then, what is your reed? say on your mind, ye shall me rule herein.

_Diccon._ Godamercy to dame Chat! In faith thou must the gear begin. It is twenty pound to a goose-turd, my gammer will not tarry, But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can her carry, To brawl with you about her cock; for well I heard Tib say The cock was roasted in your house to breakfast yesterday; And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye outflung, And Doll, your maid, the legs she hid a foot-deep in the dung.

_Chat._ O gracious God! my heart it bursts!

_Diccon._ Well, rule yourself a space; And Gammer Gurton when she cometh anon into this place, Then to the quean, let's see, tell her your mind, and spare not. So shall Diccon blameless be; and then, go to, I care not!

_Chat._ Then, whore, beware her throat! I can abide no longer. In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two be stronger! And, Diccon, but at your request, I would not stay one hour.