Chapter 3
What ships hardly ever sail out of sight?--Hardships. When is an artist a dangerous person?--When his designs are bad.
Why are tortoiseshell-combs like citadels?--They are for-tresses.
Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first "u" in cucumber?--Because it is between two "c's" (seas).
What motive led to the invention of railroads?--The locomotive.
Why are deaf people like Dutch cheeses?--Because you can't make them here.
When is the best time to get a fresh egg at sea?--When the ship lays to.
Who was the first whistler?--The wind. What tune did he whistle?--Over the hills and far away.
Why need a traveler never starve in the desert?--Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
Why is sympathy like blindman's buff?--Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow creature.
If a Frenchman were to fall into a tub of tallow, in what word would he express his situation?--In-de-fat-i-gabble. (Indefatigable.)
Why is a diner on board a steam-boat like Easter Day?--Because it is a movable feast.
Why is a little man like a good book?--Because he is often looked over.
Why is a pig in a parlor like a house on fire?--Because the sooner it is put out the better.
What is the difference between a soldier and a bombshell?--One goes to war, the other goes to pieces.
Why is it dangerous to sleep in a train?--Because every train runs over all the sleepers on the line.
Spell "enemy" in three letters?--F O E.
Which is the only way that a leopard can change his spots?--By going from one spot to another.
Why did Eve never fear the measles?--Because she'd Adam.
When is a tall man a little short?--When he hasn't got quite enough cash.
What houses are the easiest to break into?--The houses of bald people; because their locks are few.
Why is a watch the most difficult thing to steal?--Because it must be taken off its guard.
Why is there never anybody at home in a convent?--Because it is an (n)uninhabited place.
Why does a person who is not good-looking make a better carpenter than one who is?--Because he is a deal plainer.
What plant stands for No. 4?--IV.
What is the best tree for preserving order?--The birch.
Why is shoemaking the easiest of trades?--Because the boots are always soled before they are made.
How can a gardener become thrifty?--By making the most of his thyme, and by always putting some celery in the bank.
Why is it probable that beer was made in the Ark?--Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.
"What was the biggest thing you saw at the World's Fair?" asked a wife of her husband.--"My hotel bill!" said he.
Why is C like a schoolmistress?--Because it forms lasses into classes.
What is that which never asks any questions and yet requires many answers?--The street-door.
If a man bumped his head against the top of a room, what article of stationery would he be supplied with?--Ceiling whacks. (Sealing-wax.)
Which is the longest word in the English language?--Smiles; because there is a mile between the first and last letters.
Which is the oldest tree in England?--The Elder Tree.
What is that which happens twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years?--The letter M.
FORFEITS
In going through this book of--games the reader will find that the players for various reasons are penalized or required to pay a forfeit. When a player is so fined he must immediately surrender some pocketpiece or personal belonging as a pawn or security which may later be redeemed when "Blind Justice" passes the real sentence.
The players usually select some ready witted person to assume the part of Justice, another acts as Crier or Collector. Justice is blindfolded and the Crier holds the article over his head saying: "Heavy, heavy hangs over thy head." Justice asks: "Fine or Superfine?" If it be an article belonging to a gentleman the Crier answers "Fine"; if it belongs to a lady he answers, "Superfine," and asks, "What shall the owner do to redeem his (or her) property?" and Blind Justice renders the sentence.
If the proper person has been chosen for Justice a great deal of fun may be caused by the impromptu imposition of ridiculous penalties. Or the persons making up the party may in turn take the part of Justice, each imposing a penalty. Some of the most familiar penalties are:
Put one hand where the other cannot touch it.--Grasp the elbow.
Take the Journey to Rome.--The culprit is required to go to each person and say that he or she is going on a journey to Rome and ask whether they have anything to send to the Pope. The players load him up with various articles, the more cumbersome the better, which he must carry until every person has been visited. Then he must walk out of the room and back, distributing the articles to their proper places.
Spell Constantinople.--When the offender begins to spell and reaches C-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-i-, the players cry "no" (the next letters in the word being n-o). Each time the culprit gets to C-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-i-, the players cry "no," and unless he knows the trick he will begin the spelling again and again.
Kiss Your own Shadow.--If the culprit is not familiar with this forfeit he will kiss his own shadow on the wall, but realizes how foolish he was when he sees some other victim place himself between the light and a lady and kiss his shadow which then falls on the lady.
Sit Upon the Fire.--This forfeit will puzzle the culprit, but may be easily accomplished by writing the word "fire" on a slip of paper and sitting upon it.
Ask a question Which cannot be Answered in the Negative.-"What do the letters y-e-s spell?"
Kiss a Book Inside and Outside Without Opening the Book.--This apparently impossible feat may be accomplished by kissing the book inside the room and then carrying it outside of the room and kissing it there.
Take a Person Upstairs and Bring him Down on a Feather.--This is another apparently impossible feat but of course there is "down on a feather."
Act Living Statue.--The victim must stand upon a chair and is posed by the players in succession according to their various ideas of Grecian statuary, giving the victim various articles to hold in his hand such as pokers, shovels, etc.
Leave the Room with two Legs and Come Back with Six.--This sentence can be fulfilled by going out of the room and carrying a chair into the room when you come back.
Perform the Egotist.--The culprit is required to drink his own health and make some flowery speech concerning himself. If his speech is not egotistic enough the players may again and again demand a more flattering one.
Place three Chairs in a Row, Take off Your Shoes and Jump Over them.-- It is very funny to hear the culprit plead that he could not possibly jump over the three chairs when the sentence means to jump over his shoes--"take off your shoes and jump over them."
The Three Salutes.--The victim is required to "Kneel to the prettiest; bow to the wittiest and kiss the one he loves best." The easiest way to pay this forfeit is to kneel to the plainest, bow to the dullest and kiss the one for whom he cares the least.
Kiss the Lady you Love the best without letting any one know.--This is performed by the condemned kissing several ladies, or perhaps every lady in the room.
Imitate a Donkey.--The culprit must bray like one.
Play the Shoemaker.--The culprit must take off his shoe and pretend to drive pegs into it.
Shake a Coin off the Head.--This may be made productive of much amusement. The leader, having wetted a coin, presses it firmly for several seconds against the forehead of the victim. When he withdraws his thumb he secretly brings away the coin, but the victim invariably believes that he can still feel it sticking to his forehead, and his head-shakings and facial contortions to get rid of his imaginary burden are ludicrous. It is understood at the time the sentence is pronounced that he must shake the coin off and must not touch it with his hands.
The Three Questions.--The victim is required to leave the room. Three questions are agreed upon in his absence, and he is requested to say "yes" or "no" to each as they are asked him, not knowing, of course, what the questions are, the result is usually embarrassing, he finds he has made some ignominious admission, has declined something he would be very glad to have or accepted something he would much rather do without.
Go to Market.--The culprit is ordered to go to market with some one of the opposite sex. They stand about eight feet apart, facing each other, and the culprit asks his companion if she likes apples (or any article he may choose) if the answer is "yes," she takes a step forward, if "no," a step backward. If something is liked very much or disliked very much a long step is taken. Then she asks him a question which is answered by stepping forward or backward and so on until they meet when a kiss is usually claimed and taken.
Place a Straw or Small Article on the Ground in Such a Manner that No one Present can Jump Over It.--This is done by placing the article against the wall.
Bite an Inch Off the Poker.--A poker is held about an inch from the face, making a bite---of course, the person does not bite the poker but "an inch off the poker."
Blow a Candle Out Blindfold.--The person paying the forfeit is shown the exact position of the candle and then blindfolded, and having been turned about once or twice is requested to blow it out. The cautious manner in which the person will go and endeavor to blow out the clock on the mantle piece or an old gentleman's bald head, while the candle is serenely burning a few feet away must be seen to be appreciated.
The German Band.--This is a joint forfeit for three or four persons, each of whom is assigned some imaginary instrument and required to personate a performer in a German band, imitating not only the action of the players but the sound of the instrument as well.