Part 5

When Roosevelt or "Teddy," was ruler o'er this land, All stylish girls and clever boys kept bears on hand To play with and to walk with and to put to bed at night, As "Teddy Bears" were symbols of the Rooseveltian light.

But when King Teddy left his throne, Taft got his seat, And soft brown Teddies disappeared from home and street, While "Billy Possum" came to rule for two years or for three, When "Bryan Kittens" will be hatched and all the rage will be.

SLEEPERS IN WESTMINSTER ABBEY

Within Westminster Abbey, which stands on Thorney Isle Are burled many people of every age and style. There's Edward the Confessor, who founded this great church And Henry Third who sent his men to Italy to search For beautiful mosaics which brilliantly would shine All round about and high above the great Confessor's shrine. Here great Shaftesbury's buried, who worked to his life's end For poor down trodden children whose rights he did defend. Sir Isaac Newton, very wise, who thought he was a child Picking up the sea-shells beside life's ocean wild. And noble Sir James Outram known as a man most brave, Who at the siege of Lucknow the English corps did save.

Great Livingstone of world-wide fame who Africa explored And whose sad death in Afric wilds by all men was deplored; The blind postmaster Fawcett who tried so hard to mend All foolish laws of England and English rights defend. A monument we here may see to Sir John Franklin bold Who lost his life while he explored in far off Arctic cold.

Within the poet's corner full many a grave is found, Behold good Geoffrey Chaucer as Father Poet crowned, And great and good Lord Tennyson whose "CROSSING OF THE BAR" It seems to me in Heaven above should win a shining star. Will Shagspur's monument is here, where he is called the chief Of all the greatest writers known, though I call him a thief Because I think he stole his rhymes from many learned men And then pretended all were writ just by his goose quill pen.

Great Handel the musician, born in a German town But who in merry England won all his great renown; The orator George Canning, a statesman good and great And with whose son, Earl Canning, he lies in regal state. Here's Gladstone, greatest statesman perhaps the world has known Who's buried in this abbey 'neath monumental stone. Great Wilberforce and two great Pitts who likewise won their fame Within this ancient abbey we see each brilliant name.

And many kings both good and bad and with their royal wives Were brought to this old abbey when they had spent their lives. Strong Edward First, the warrior who brought the "Stone of Scone" And placed it in the abbey to crown the KINGS alone. Then Richard Second who is known as "The Westminster King" So called as in the abbey he did most everything; For he was crowned and married and also buried here-- No wonder that the abbey stones to him were very dear.

To "Madcap Harry," Henry Fifth, Westminster was his pride So he was buried 'neath its walls--though in far France he died. King Henry Seventh and his wife Elizabeth the kind, Close, side by side, their royal tombs we easily may find. Queen Mary called "The Bloody," with Bess "The Virgin Queen," Beside Queen Mary of the Scots, their tombs may now be seen. It was at Mary's funeral when she was lying dead That in the abbey Catholic mass for a last time was said. King Henry Fifth the murdered King and Edward Sixth the boy, Who while he lived no sorrow gave but brought to England joy, And many other kings and queens and men of wondrous fame Both good and bad their bodies lie in restful sleep the same.

LAZY WHITE MEN SIT WHILE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

Poor Lo, the Indian, disrespects his brothers wise and fair, Who now on aeroplanes are wont to make trips through the air. He watches them go circling like birds up in the skies, Then grunts, "Heap lazy white man, he sits down when he flies."

TOO TICKLISH TO COUNT HIS RIBS

In the class of physiology the teacher asked one day, "How many ribs have you, my boy, tell me, Dickie Gray?" And wiggling, giggling Dickie very promptly made reply, "Dear teacher, I must tell the truth, for I could never lie, But as for ribs I cannot say how many I possess, For I'm too awful ticklish to count them, I confess."

IT TAKES A CIGAR A LONG TIME TO WEAR OUT

When Harry Warren was a boy only five years old, He wasn't then as he is now, so very big and bold, But he was very much afraid of bad tobacco smoke, Which seems to those who know him now to be a funny joke.

He had an uncle on whose knee he loved to sit each day And listen to exciting tales about the Pixies gay, But when his uncle had a light upon a long cigar, Then little Harry used to sit away from it as far As he could manage well to get upon his uncle's knee, Since Harry feared tobacco smoke more than a bumble bee.

One day while sitting way far out upon his uncle's knee, He grew so very tired as he waited there to see The end of the long smoker which made smoke all about And said, "It takes that big cigar a long time to wear out."

A PICKERINO--THE COOK'S FATE

Should COOK permit Sir Lemon squeezer, Would virtuous Pepper box her, potato masher? Would bakers baker in a heater, And tell the saucy strong egg beater? Would they then wax yet even bolder While Mr. Tongs so well would holder And then unto the pancake turner Who would allow the cruel gas burner?

THE FIRST METAL PLOW

The metal plow so I've been told First was made in days of old By Grecian farmers and we know That great Ulysses used to go Behind the plow and play insane By tilling sand to plant his grain So that he need not leave his wife And march away to dreadful strife.

LEGENDS OF THE CORONATION STONE

In Bible stories we have read Of Jacob whose uncovered head, Rested once on BETHEL-STONE While round his head a vision shone.

The stone was then to Egypt carried, From there to Spain by one who married Great Pharaoh's daughter who was good-- For Hebrews' rights she always stood.

To Ireland with this same stone The King Hiberus sailed alone And placed it on fair Tara Hill, No doubt the stone would be there still

If Fergus had not come along With many warriors bold and strong And bore it to his native land Of bonnie Scotland there to stand.

Within the Castle Dunstaffrage And here it stood for many an age Until as a most sacred stone 'Twas placed within the Church of Scone.

And the good kings of Scotland fair For years and years were all crowned there Till Edward Langshanks seized this stone Of which 'twas said 'twould always groan

If any worthless king or queen Upon its seat were ever seen.

He brought it to dear England's shore And willed that it should move no more And in Westminster it was placed Within a wooden chair encased.

PLEASE, GRANDPA, CROAK

"Grandaddy," said young Harry, "do a good turn for me, By croaking like a big bull frog so I can plainly see If Daddy told the honest truth or only cracked a joke Because he said I'd have some 'dough' if you would only croak."

TO SAVE HIM FROM A WHIPPING

When Mrs. Hall, who had spent the day With Mrs. Green, was going away, Wee curly headed, naughty Joe Begged so hard that she wouldn't go.

Now all the day this roguish lad Had disobeyed and been quite bad, So Mrs. Hall, in great surprise, Paused and looked in his brown eyes, While saying, "I'm so glad to know You love me truly, dearest Joe."

"Oh, 'tisn't that," said honest Joe, "I wouldn't mind for you to go Except my mother said to-day, She'd whip me when you went away."

THE FIRST FORKS

In the days of good Queen Bess How sad it is we must confess That the English ate their food In a fashion very rude.

Great William Shakespeare like the rest And Walter Raleigh richly dressed Both ate their meat just with a knife-- The same they used to settle strife.

'Twas the Italians who first made The useful fork which surely paid Its wise inventors who could eat Of sauces and most juicy meat And never have to wash their hands As straight knife eating oft demands.

THE KING'S QUESTIONS

Once on a time, long, long ago, in a far-off foreign land, A certain king who loved to roam with his chosen courtly band, Was riding abroad one early morn through streets of a city fair When a curious sign above a door caused him to pause and stare. This sign board plainly read to all that here was Wisdom's college With a Professor at its head of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE. "Ha! Ha!" loud laughed the wily king while rapping on the door, "'Tis true above all other men I need a goodly store Of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE so that I may wisely rule And never say a foolish thing nor act the silly fool."

But when the great (?) Professor X-- appeared within the door, With trembling hands and downcast eyes, while bowing to the floor The king gazed at the coward and this is what he said, "You answer my three questions or you will lose your head. Now first since you know everything please tell me what I'm worth, And second tell the number of baskets of good earth That one may find by digging within that mountain there Reaching with its snow capped crown away up in the air. And when you've rightly answered these questions given you Then you must tell me of my thoughts to prove your wisdom true. Three days is all I'll give you to answer me or go To realms where wisdom surely dwells and something you must know."

And then the King departed and left the wise man sad, For though he had some wisdom his little knowledge had But given him the swelled head so foolishly he thought Through painted signs of wisdom his knowledge would be sought.

And as this foolish wise man bemoaned his coming doom, His good but unlearned servant walked into the room, And told his master not to mourn as he would take his place And answer the King's questions while gazing in his face. So when three days had passed away the Royal Master came And Jim the servant greeted him as if he were the same As he himself or any man who lived upon the earth, And to the world's good Mother Earth was debtor for his birth.

Then spake this servant to the King--"I'm glad my Sire to see And now with pleasure I'll proceed to answer questions three. You're worth how much--not surely more than one wee bit of gold For as you know the Saviour King for thirty bits was sold.

And as to baskets of good earth in yonder mountain high Think not your foolish question has made me sleepless lie. It doesn't even take a man who could be called quite wise To tell you that this all depends upon the basket's size. For if the basket's mountain size of course but one will do But if it's only half as large then we must needs have two."

Delighted with these answers the King shook Jim's rough hand, While smiling as he looked at him and gave his last command, "Now tell me what I'm thinking of, you wizard of the earth, And if you answer truly, yours is this pearl of worth." "Oh, that is very simple," Jim quickly answered him, "You think me the professor, but I'm his servant Jim."

This answer was so pleasing unto the mighty King, He made him his favored courtier, wearing his signet ring.

ENGLAND'S KINGS IN RHYME

There were many kings of England in ancient Saxon days, But little to remember except their rude wild ways. There was Egbert and King Ethelwolf and also Ethelbald, Ethelbert and Ethelred and Alfred Great so called.

There was Edward and King Athelstan followed by three kings Edmund and King Edgar and one whose praise we sing-- The good and kindly Edward who won a martyr's crown; Then came a second Ethelred, who never won renown; And as this king was always known just by the name "Unready," So his successor well was called--"Strong Edmund ever steady." And last of all the Saxon kings decreeing England's fate Came the Confessor Edward whom we all consider great.

And now we come to William, the Norman cruel but brave, And who the throne of England to Norman monarchs gave, But the royal line he founded had rulers only four, Two Williams and one Henry, one Stephen and no more.

Plantagenets just fourteen then came to rule this land, They formed the longest kingly line and made a goodly band. Though they were not all very good and some were very bad, While some were truly gay old sports and others very sad. The founder was King Henry the second Henry king, For cruelty to Becket, no praise to him we sing. Then Richard the Plantagenet, who had a lion heart And whose brave deeds are greatly praised in history and art. Then came the trembling coward, the hated ruler John, How glad are we that from this earth he long ago hath gone!

And after followed Henry Third a silly royal goose, Within whose head I sadly fear there were some sutures loose. Then came the first King Edward who with his warrior band, Laid bare the minstrels' country and their dear mountain land. A second Edward, then a third directly followed after, Then came poor Richard Second who had small cause for laughter; Then Henry Fourth who conquered all the lands of goodly Wales As we have often heard in rhyme and in historic tales, And Henry Fifth feared by the French, it was within his reign Fair Joan d'Arc's brave blood was shed the English swords to stain. King Henry Sixth spent his last days in mourning in the Tower While Edward Fourth by might of will possessed the kingly power. The little lad, poor Edward Fifth, was never duly crowned, But in the Tower cold in death the poor young king was found.

'Tis said that he was murdered by one who then did rule His uncle the third Richard, hump-backed and very cruel. This wicked monster lost his life at Bosworth's bloody field, Then came the Tudor family their scepters strong to wield.

Through Henry Seventh and his son King Henry Eighth, the bold, Then Edward Sixth, the wise young king who ne'er grew to be old, And monstrous blood-soaked Mary at whose dread bloody name, All noble English subjects should feel a blush of shame; Elizabeth, her sister, the red-haired maiden queen, Who sometimes was quite gracious but had a lot of spleen.

With this great queen the Tudor line came to a glorious end Then to the Stuarts, six in all, the English knee did bend. First came the learned James the First, and Charles the First, his son, Who through the warrior Cromwell forever was undone. This warrior styled "Protector" knew how to rule all men, If not with his good broadsword, why, then with stroke of pen. And after him the second Charles returned to England fair, And claimed that to her glorious crown he was the lawful heir.

Then after him the bigot James, the second of his name, Who was deposed from England's throne and earned a crown of shame; Then good King William called the Third, and Mary, his good wife, They ruled o'er happy England and banished horrid strife, But leaving no good children to whom the throne could fall Poor sickly Anne, whose heart was big but brains so very small, As James's second daughter succeeded to the crown And did her best to rule the land but never won renown. To seventeen fair children she in her life gave birth But as death claimed them every one she had no cause for mirth.

The Stuart line was ended with Anne, unhappy queen, Then came four kings called Georges, with wits not very keen, Hanover's line they founded, which line rules England now, And to this line all Englishmen on loyal knee would bow.

And after all the Georges had had their rule and died, Then William Fourth, the brother of George the Third, he tried To rule o'er England's country with kind and steady hand, But when his brother's daughter succeeded to this land She made a better ruler than any queen or king And to VICTORIA, great VICTORIA, loudest praises ring.

She ruled o'er England's empire for years full sixty-four, And her great crown with queenly grace and kindliness she wore. Her son, King Edward Seventh, the ever tactful king, Ruled for a few short seasons until by Death's cruel sting His happy reign was ended and George the Fifth, his heir, Was made the kingly ruler of England's lands so fair.

BRUNETTES ALL THE RAGE

Great Byron sang of ladies fair With bright blue eyes and golden hair; But Major Woodruff says--;"Beware--; Of those whose skin is very fair, As naughty maidens have blue eyes And seldom are they good and wise."

He urges men like Moses great To choose a brunette for a mate, Whose eyes and hair have the dark hue Which proves that she'll be wise and true.

CATS A KISSIN' (CATECHISM)

Last week my cousin Patti, who isn't yet quite three, Went to our good Sunday School with Mother and with me. She sat quite still and listened well to all the teacher said, Until I thought she stowed away much knowledge in her head. But when that evening Auntie asked, "What did my darling hear When she went to Sunday School; tell me, won't you, dear?" She shrugged her little shoulders and said, "Not anyfing Except dey said some funny words and den began to sing; Though 'bout de cats a kissin', well, the teacher said you should Teach me ev'ry evenin' and den I'd be so dood."

INFORMATION BY PHONE

Little brilliant Nellie, whose Ma thought she was ill, Took her to the doctor, who gave her a big bill, For sounding with a stethoscope young Nellie's narrow chest And making her scream "Ninety-nine" with her utmost zest.

Next day a friend asked Nellie, "What did the doctor think Is the matter with you? Are you on Death's brink?"

"Not much," said little Nellie, "no bugs could doctor find; In fact he said that all my ills were just in mother's mind."

"But how did he discover this, he couldn't see through you, And maybe what this doctor said is anything but true?"

"Of course the doctor told the truth," most scornfully said Nell, "I heard him phone to my insides, and they said I was well."

OUR PRESIDENTS

George Washington, Adams and Jefferson three First rulers of Uncle Sam's land of the free: Then Madison, Monroe and Adams again All clever and upright and good honest men; Then Jackson, Van Buren and Harrison first, Tyler and Polk whose terms were so curst By war with the Greasers who lost in the fray-- Then Taylor and Fillmore and Pierce held their sway. Buchanan and Lincoln, Johnson and Grant, Then Hayes, martyred Garfield, despiser of cant, Arthur and Cleveland, Harrison (Ben) McKinley the martyr, beloved by all men; Then most energetic and strenuous Teddy And plump William Taft for a second term ready When Wilson was placed in this nation's great chair And promised to always rule wisely and fair.

SIX IN THE CEMETERY

Oh, the kiddie-de-kees in the Wiggs' house, They're thick as bees, but ne'er like a mouse, For they've never been known to keep the least quiet, And wherever they go there's always a riot.

One day, Mrs. Wiggs and her husband Pat Made a trip to the city to rent a flat And left their six kiddies at home to play On the graveyard green across the way.

The two elder Wiggs they found a man, With flats he would rent on most any plan, But concerning one thing he said he must know If kiddies they owned--the rent man's foe.

"Yes, six little ones," said Pa Wiggs the wary, "But they are all in the cemetery." Said the landlord, "Better there than here," And he drew up a lease without any fear.

And that's how the Wiggs got their lease In a so-called kidless flat of PEACE.

COULD ONLY ASK QUESTIONS

"Madeline," asked her mother, when home she came at noon, "How did you like your teacher, or can't you tell so soon?"

MADELINE:

"Oh, yes, I formed my 'pinion long 'fore I started home, She's rather pleasant, looks quite wise, and wears a lovely comb, But surely she is stupid in spite of her wise looks, 'Cause she only asked us questions from out of a lot of books."

SEEKING BARGAINS

When Mother told Tommy five cents she would pay If he would be good and "damn" never say, The wary young Yankee, he made this reply-- "To be sure, I won't, Mother, not once if I die; But I know another, a word worser still, If damn's worth a nickel, it's worth a whole bill."

CULTUS MITLITE

(_Chinook Indian for Rest_)

One of the greatest of pleasures to me Whenever I happen to be near the sea, Is clam digging to go upon the broad beach And get all the clams that my shovel can reach.

Along Puget Sound I was clamming one day, When a poor Indian squaw and child came my way. The mother was digging up clams with her toes, And was dressed very poorly in very few clothes.

But her face seemed so kind as she smiled at her child, A wee Indian warrior, who seemed very wild. He turned over stones and he ran to and fro And drove out poor crabbies as their fiercest foe.

But at last he grew weary and to the squaw came, While limping so slowly as if he were lame, And crying, "Ho, mama, ho nika, ho til!" Which meant of crab sporting that he'd had his fill.

That squaws are so cross I have read in a book, But not so this mother, who gently did look Upon her wee torment, while patting his head, And "Cultus Mitlite," so sweetly she said. This meant that the warrior might take a long rest, The pleasure of pleasures that red men like best.

HER TURN COMING

A wee little girlie aged scarcely six One day watched her mother playing with Trix, A cunning French poodle that oft got a kiss Belonging by rights to this dear little miss.

She was jealous of Trix curled up on the lap Of her lovely mother where SHE wished to nap. So she sat very still while she gave a big sigh And questioned her mother "How soon do dogs die?"

The mother replied as she petted Trix's ears, "They rarely live longer than nine or ten years." "Oh, goodie!" cried Girlie. "In six years next May There won't be a Trixie and I'll have my way."

WHEN WILL WE BE OLD ENOUGH?

"Little children should be seen And not heard," folks say. We must scarcely speak aloud When company comes to stay For breakfast or for dinner Or for a cup of tea, So solemn and so quiet We little folks must be.

We must not tell that Daddy Once used an awful word The very, very worstest That ever could be heard. Nor how our mother curls her hair And powders well her nose And sometimes takes an hour or more To put on her best clothes.

We dare not tell how sister Was spanked for being rude And how our baby brother Was choked upon his food.

In fact we must not speak at all Except words no and yes And when we swallow all our thoughts They cause us great distress.

So we are wondering how much more We kiddies yet must grow Ere we can speak out what we think And tell all things we know.

JOHNNIE'S CONUNDRUM

Once Johnnie to his brother said-- "Here's a conundrum for you, Fred, They say all nuts on trees must grow What tree bears doughnuts, do you know?"

"Oh, yes," Fred promptly made reply, "I'll answer dat de firstest try, Dey grows on Bridget's nice pantry. Tum right wid me and you tan see."

TITANIC'S NOBLE BAND

O'er great Atlantic's waters, Old Father Neptune's pride, On a starry night in April, Oh, see Titanic ride!

This spacious Queen of steamers Holds high her masted head For she believes all waters Are conquered by her tread.

"Alas, vain Queen, you're speeding Unto a watery tomb!" So telegraphed the breezes To save her from her doom.

But she no heed gave to them And faster forged ahead When suddenly before her-- Great tombstone for the dead--