Chapter 9

PROS. Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedingly well carried.

LOR. JU. Ay, and our ignorance maintain'd it as well, did it not?

PROS. Yes, faith, but was't possible thou should'st not know him?

LOR. JU. 'Fore God, not I, an I might have been join'd patten with one of the nine worthies for knowing him. 'Sblood, man, he had so writhen himself into the habit of one of your poor Disparview's here, your decayed, ruinous, worm-eaten gentlemen of the round: such as have vowed to sit on the skirts of the city, let your Provost and his half dozen of halberdiers do what they can; and have translated begging out of the old hackney pace, to a fine easy amble, and made it run as smooth off the tongue as a shove-groat shilling, into the likeness of one of these lean Pirgo's, had he moulded himself so perfectly, observing every trick of their action, as varying the accent: swearing with an emphasis. Indeed, all with so special and exquisite a grace, that (hadst thou seen him) thou would'st have sworn he might have been the Tamberlane, or the Agamemnon on the rout.

PROS. Why, Musco, who would have thought thou hadst been such a gallant?

LOR. JU. I cannot tell, but (unless a man had juggled begging all his life time, and been a weaver of phrases from his infancy, for the apparelling of it) I think the world cannot produce his rival.

PROS. Where got'st thou this coat, I marle?

MUS. Faith, sir, I had it of one of the devil's near kinsmen, a broker.

PROS. That cannot be, if the proverb hold, a crafty knave needs no broker.

MUS. True, sir, but I need a broker, ergo, no crafty knave.

PROS. Well put off, well put off.

LOR. JU. Tut, he has more of these shifts.

MUS. And yet where I have one, the broker has ten, sir.

[ENTER PIS.]

PIS. Francisco, Martino, ne'er a one to be found now: what a spite's this?

PROS. How now, Piso? is my brother within?

PIS. No, sir, my master went forth e'en now, but Signior Giuliano is within. Cob, what, Cob! Is he gone too?

PROS. Whither went thy master? Piso, canst thou tell?

PIS. I know not, to Doctor Clement's, I think, sir. Cob.

[EXIT PIS.]

LOR. JU. Doctor Clement, what's he? I have heard much speech of him.

PROS. Why, dost thou not know him? he is the Gonfaloniere of the state here, an excellent rare civilian, and a great scholar, but the only mad merry old fellow in Europe: I shewed him you the other day.

LOR. JU. Oh, I remember him now; Good faith, and he hath a very strange presence, methinks, it shews as if he stood out of the rank from other men. I have heard many of his jests in Padua; they say he will commit a man for taking the wall of his horse.

PROS. Ay, or wearing his cloak on one shoulder, or any thing indeed, if it come in the way of his humour.

PIS. Gaspar, Martino, Cob: 'Sheart, where should they be, trow?

[ENTER PISO.]

BOB. Signior Thorello's man, I pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting of this match.

PIS. A pox on your match, no time but now to vouchsafe? Francisco, Cob.

[EXIT.]

BOB. Body of me: here's the remainder of seven pound, since yesterday was sevennight. It's your right Trinidado: did you never take any, signior?

STEP. No, truly, sir; but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it so.

BOB. Signior, believe me (upon my relation) for what I tell you, the world shall not improve. I have been in the Indies, (where this herb grows) where neither myself nor a dozen gentlemen more (of my knowledge) have received the taste of any other nutriment in the world, for the space of one and twenty weeks, but tobacco only. Therefore it cannot be but 'tis most divine. Further, take it in the nature, in the true kind, so, it makes an antidote, that had you taken the most deadly poisonous simple in all Florence it should expel it, and clarify you with as much ease as I speak. And for your green wound, your Balsamum, and your -- are all mere gulleries, and trash to it, especially your Trinidado: your Nicotian is good too: I could say what I know of the virtue of it, for the exposing of rheums, raw humours, crudities, obstructions, with a thousand of this kind; but I profess myself no quack-salver. Only thus much; by Hercules, I do hold it, and will affirm it (before any Prince in Europe) to be the most sovereign and precious herb that ever the earth tendered to the use of man.

LOR. JU. Oh, this speech would have done rare in an apothecary's mouth.

[ENTER PISO AND COB.]

PIS. Ay; close by Saint Anthony's: Doctor Clement's.

COB. Oh, oh.

BOB. Where's the match I gave thee?

PIS. 'Sblood, would his match, and he, and pipe, and all, were at Sancto Domingo.

[EXIT.]

COB. By God's deins, I marle what pleasure or felicity they have in taking this roguish tobacco; it's good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers: there were four died out of one house last week with taking of it, and two more the bell went for yesternight, one of them (they say) will ne'er escape it, he voided a bushel of soot yesterday, upward and downward. By the stocks, an there were no wiser men than I, I'd have it present death, man or woman, that should but deal with a tobacco pipe; why, it will stifle them all in the end as many as use it; it's little better than rat's-bane.

[EXIT PISO.]

ALL. Oh, good Signior; hold, hold.

BOB. You base cullion, you.

PIS. Sir, here's your match; come, thou must needs be talking too.

COB. Nay, he will not meddle with his match, I warrant you; well, it shall be a dear beating, an I live.

BOB. Do you prate?

LOR. JU. Nay, good Signior, will you regard the humour of a fool? Away, knave.

PROS. Piso, get him away.

[EXIT PISO AND COB.]

BOB. A whoreson filthy slave, a turd, an excrement. Body of Caesar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd have stabb'd him to the earth.

PROS. Marry, God forbid, sir.

BOB. By this fair heaven, I would have done it.

STEP. Oh, he swears admirably; (by this fair heaven!) Body of Caesar: I shall never do it, sure (upon my salvation). No, I have not the right grace.

MAT. Signior, will you any? By this air, the most divine tobacco as ever I drunk.

LOR. JU. I thank you, sir.

STEP. Oh, this gentleman doth it rarely too, but nothing like the other. By this air, as I am a gentleman: By Phoebus.

[EXIT BOB. AND MAT.]

MUS. Master, glance, glance: Signior Prospero.

STEP. As I have a soul to be saved, I do protest --

PROS. That you are a fool.

LOR. JU. Cousin, will you any tobacco?

STEP. Ay, sir: upon my salvation.

LOR. JU. How now, cousin?

STEP. I protest, as I am a gentleman, but no soldier indeed.

PROS. No, Signior, as I remember, you served on a great horse, last general muster.

STEP. Ay, sir, that's true, cousin, may I swear as I am a soldier, by that?

LOR. JU. Oh yes, that you may.

STEP. Then as I am a gentleman, and a soldier, it is divine tobacco.

PROS. But soft, where's Signior Matheo? gone?

MUS. No, sir, they went in here.

PROS. Oh, let's follow them: Signior Matheo is gone to salute his mistress, sirrah, now thou shalt hear some of his verses, for he never comes hither without some shreds of poetry: Come, Signior Stephano. Musco.

STEP. Musco? where? Is this Musco?

LOR. JU. Ay; but peace, cousin, no words of it at any hand.

STEP. Not I, by this fair heaven, as I have a soul to be saved, by Phoebus.

PROS. Oh rare! your cousin's discourse is simply suited, all in oaths.

LOR. JU. Ay, he lacks nothing but a little light stuff, to draw them out withal, and he were rarely fitted to the time.

[EXEUNT.]