Part 4

It is common for a man to call at the residence of the person to whom the introduction is addressed, and there give the envelope, still unsealed, to the servant, together with his own card. In the absence of the host or hostess, the caller places his own card inside the envelope, which is then sealed, and left. A woman never follows this procedure. She places her card in the envelope containing the introduction, which is then sealed, and dropped in the post for delivery.

One receiving such a letter of introduction, whether man or woman, is expected, if the bearer is a woman, to call on her within two days’ time, and to follow this up with some sort of hospitable entertainment. If, for any imperative reason, a call is impossible, a letter should be written in explanation.

The like procedure is followed when both parties are men. But when a man presents such a letter of introduction to a woman, she does not, of course, call upon him, but writes to extend her hospitable offers.

LETTERS

THE MOST TROUBLESOME detail in letter-writing is the matter of address. It should be noted that there is a distinction between _Dear_ and _My dear_. In our country, the more formal style is with the pronoun, while the pronoun is omitted in writing to friends. A letter to a mere acquaintance begins with the words, _My dear_ ............................. But the form for an intimate is simply _Dear_ .............................

The usual address for business purposes and to those with whom no social relations are established is _Dear Sir_. The plural is used in addressing firms, _Dear Sirs_, or the one word _Gentlemen_, may be employed.

In addressing a man with whom social relations are established, the surname is used, preceded by _Dear_ or _My dear_, according to the degree of intimacy. _My dear Mr. Hudson; Dear Mr. Grant._

A woman who is a stranger may be addressed either as _Madam_ or _Dear Madam_, whether she be married or unmarried. The form “_Dear Miss_” is to be avoided under all circumstances.

For the woman with whom the writer is formally acquainted, the address is: _My dear Mrs._ .............................., if she is married, and _My dear Miss_ ............................, if she is unmarried. When the person is a friend, she should be addressed: _Dear Mrs._ ................, if she is a married woman, and _Dear Miss_ ............................, if she is unmarried.

The full name should be signed to formal letters. The married woman should use her own Christian name, not her husband’s with the _Mrs._ prefixed. But, in business communications to strangers, she may very properly give her husband’s name with the prefix _Mrs._, below her usual signature, and inclosed in parenthesis.

Similarly, for the sake of clearness, a business letter by an unmarried woman may have _Miss_ in parenthesis before the name.

Envelopes should be addressed to the recipient with the full name and necessary prefix—-_Mr._, _Mrs._, or _Miss_.

The _Mr._, however, must be omitted if _Esq._ is written after the name. The English custom limits the use of Esquire to those who are technically gentlemen. For example, _Esq._ is placed after the name in addressing a barrister, but it must not be used in writing to a tradesman, who is given only the prefix _Mr._

The prefix _Mr._ is used when Junior or Senior is indicated after the name by an abbreviation. In such case, _Esq._ must never be written.

It must be noted also that in the case of addresses, as with cards, to which attention has already been given, the husband’s title must not be given to the wife. _Mrs. Colonel_, _Mrs. Doctor_, _Mrs. Professor_, and the like, are barbarisms, which are not tolerated in America or England. The Germans, however, use them.

The phrase before the signature to a letter varies according to the circumstances, and especially according to the individual taste. Thus, in concluding a very formal communication, it is quite proper to use the old-fashioned wording, _I am, my dear Madam, your obedient servant_. An ordinary convenient form that covers a wide field is, _I remain_, _Yours sincerely_, or _Yours faithfully_, or _Yours cordially_, writing _I remain_ on one line, and the _Yours_, etc., on the line below. Thus:

_I remain, Yours sincerely,_

_Yours truly_, or _Very truly yours_, is best reserved for business communications. _Yours respectfully_ is applicable for business communications, and also for letters addressed to superiors, and for use generally as a rather meaningless style.

Men of exalted position are commonly addressed as _Sir_ without any qualifying word. And the form in ending is, _I have, Sir, the honor to remain Your most obedient servant_—_Your_, etc., forming a separate line.

A letter of a social sort would begin, _My dear Mr. President_.

The like form would suffice for the vice-president, except for a letter of social character, when he should be addressed by name, _My dear Mr. ........................_.

A justice of the supreme court, a senator, a member of the house of representatives, a cabinet officer, the governor of a state, etc., all have the same formal _Sir_ as the address and the corresponding phrase in conclusion. But there is variation in the address when the letter is of social import. The justice may be addressed _My dear Justice ................._, or _Dear Mr. Justice ................._.

The senator is addressed _My dear Senator ......................._. The representative in congress is addressed _My dear Mr. ................_.

On the envelope, the forms are respectively _Mr. Justice ..................._, _Senator ......................._, _Hon. .............._ (for the congressman).

The social letter to a cabinet officer addresses him by name, _My dear ................._, and has on the envelope _Hon._ preceding the name and his official designation following it.

A governor is usually addressed _My dear Governor ......................._. And the envelope should have the title preceding the name.

In all cases except that of the President, the conclusion of a social letter is a simple form such as, _I remain, Yours very sincerely_.

A mayor is addressed either as _Sir_, or _Your Honor_, in formal communications, and as _My dear Mayor ................._ in social correspondence. The envelope properly gives him a full designation, _His Honor the Mayor of ...................._. The name follows, written on a lower line.

The form of address is the same for both official and social letters in the case of a Roman Catholic archbishop: _Most Reverend and Dear Sir_. The conclusion should run: _I have the honor to remain Your obedient servant_—_Your_, etc., being written on a lower line. The envelope carries _The Most Reverend ......................., Archbishop of .................._.

All letters to a cardinal begin _Your Eminence_. The conclusion is the same as to an archbishop. The envelope reads _His Eminence Cardinal ........................_.

For a Roman Catholic bishop all letters begin _Right Reverend and Dear Sir_. The conclusion is that used for the preceding prelates. On the envelope: _The Right Reverend .................., Bishop of ..........._.

A Protestant bishop, also, is addressed _Right Reverend and Dear Sir_ officially, but a social letter begins _My dear Bishop ...................._. The conclusion may take the form given for Roman Catholic dignitaries, but for social letters it is sufficient to write, _I remain Yours sincerely_. The envelope reads: _The Right Reverend ................, Bishop of ............................_.

Both priests and Protestant clergymen are officially addressed: _Reverend and Dear Sir_. But, in a social letter, the beginning is _Dear Father .................._, in the case of a priest; while the Protestant minister is addressed as _Dear Mr. ........................_, or _Dear Doctor ...................._, if he has such a title. The conclusion for either need be no more than: _I remain, Yours very sincerely_. The envelope bears, _The Reverend ......................_.

The possession of degrees may be indicated by writing the proper initials after the name. Where the clergyman has the degree of Doctor, this is sometimes used as an abbreviation preceding the name—_The Reverend Dr. ........................._.

LUNCHEONS

THE ETIQUETTE for a luncheon is essentially the same as that for a breakfast, which has already been described. But the luncheon at present enjoys a popularity that is distinctive in one respect: it serves conveniently very often as a function wholly for the entertainment of feminine guests.

The usual hour for a luncheon is from one to two o’clock. The invitations, unless the affair is to be quite informal, should be sent out ten days before the date set. As in the case of a breakfast, the invitation may be sent on a visiting-card, writing below the name:

_Luncheon at one o’clock April the fourth_

For an especially formal affair, the invitation should be engraved on square white cards of large size, similar to those employed for dinner-invitations.

_Mrs. George Vinton Thorne

requests the pleasure of

........................................

company at luncheon

on ..............................

at .......................... o’clock

Eleven Green Street_

A note written in the first person may convey the invitation, if the hostess prefers this manner.

The acceptance or refusal of an invitation may be in the third person, following the examples given in the chapter on dinners, or it may be written as a note in the first person. In either case, the method used in the invitation itself must govern the style of the reply.

At the more formal luncheon, the menu may be elaborate, with oysters, bouillon, fish, and other courses following to any desired extent, but care must be taken always that the general character of the viands served must not be oversubstantial. The meal should be of a distinctively lighter sort as compared with dinner.

The women guests usually wear their most effective frocks. Wraps are left in the cloak-room provided, or, if this is lacking, in the hall. The hats are not removed, but the veil is either pushed up out of the way, or removed, according to the wearer’s pleasure. The gloves are taken off after arrival at table, and left in the lap, covered by the napkin.

A guest should remain for at least half an hour after the completion of the meal, and from this minimum of time up to an hour or perhaps a little longer, according to the particular circumstances.

The farewell of each guest should, of course, contain some phrase expressing appreciation of the hospitality enjoyed.

MOURNING

THERE IS ROOM for so much variety in the expression of personal tastes as to the matter of mourning that hard-and-fast rules are of doubtful value. There is, however, some degree of exactness as to the dress suitable for widows, although, even in this connection, individual choice and the changes of fashion exert their influence to the display of differing modes.

The widow’s mourning may be divided into three periods, termed respectively first, second and third.

The first mourning includes the entire costume in black. Usually, the material of the dress is of worsted, with a trimming of crêpe. The black bonnet is of crêpe, and from it hangs a long veil, also of crêpe. Formerly, these veils were of extreme length, reaching even to the hem of the gown. The tendency has been, however, toward shortening the veil, and the present fashion insists on only a moderate length. Another veil, worn over the face, was formerly both long and heavy, but the style has been modified, and at present it is of lighter texture and of much briefer proportions. The bonnet has white ruching within the front edge, and the gown is trimmed with sheer white cuffs, and a collar of the same material.

The gloves must be of dull black, and ornaments of dull jet, with a black-bordered handkerchief.

This first mourning should be worn for a full year. A change may then be made to second mourning, in which the dress may be of crêpe de chine or dull silk, with a hat carrying black chiffon, etc., and ornaments of dull jet.

The third mourning is assumed after another six months. In this white and lilac are permitted to relieve the somberness of the attire. This mourning is worn for a period of six months, also, after which colors may be resumed.

It should be noted that the white ruche on the bonnet is the one distinctive feature of the first mourning that designates the wearer as a widow. A woman may wear exactly the same costume, with the exception of this white ruche on the bonnet, in the mourning for a parent, a child, a brother or a sister.

The period for wearing mourning in such case, and the changes in it, may follow the details given above for widows.

Mourning for a parent-in-law is black, with the crêpe omitted. This is worn for only a month, and is followed by any preferred combinations of black and white, relieved by lilac, for a fortnight or a little longer.

The mourning for close relatives worn by a young unmarried woman does not include the bonnet and veil. Instead, a hat trimmed with crêpe is worn, and a black net veil over the face is trimmed with crêpe. After six months or a year, the crêpe is omitted from hat and veil, and also from the gown. Black and white and lilac are then deemed suitable. Usually, however, the older unmarried women wear the veil and bonnet of the first mourning, as do widows, but with the white ruche omitted.

Mourning is not usually adopted when the death is of relatives-in-law or of a grandparent.

Three months is ordinarily sufficient for mourning in the case of an uncle or aunt, and it does not include crêpe. Ornaments may be worn, though preferably of a very quiet sort.

In general, it is well to bear in mind that mourning should not be worn except for the members of one’s immediate family. Of course, the particular circumstances in each case must be a determining factor. For example, while mourning is not customarily worn for a cousin, yet a girl who had made a home with such a relative might appropriately wear mourning as for her own mother.

Crêpe is not deemed suitable for girls not yet old enough for a formal entrance into society, and children should be spared the lugubrious trappings of woe in every case. But a girl about sixteen years of age, on the death of a member of the family, appropriately wears a black dress, relieved only by touches of white, and a black hat, with dull black ribbons. She should leave off jewelry, but she should not carry a handkerchief with black border.

The mourning for a widower is often divided into two periods. During the first, black is worn throughout in the costume, with white linen. The hat-band is of crêpe. The present tendency is to make this band much narrower than it was of yore. It is left off altogether after a year, or perhaps eight months, as the second mourning begins. The second mourning permits the use of gray and white in the costume. A man’s mourning for a child, parent, brother or sister may continue for a full year, or it may be put off after six months according to his choice. The mourning includes a hat-band of crêpe. If a man wishes to wear mourning for a more distant relative, he may use the black and white and gray of the widower’s second period, but men ordinarily do not assume mourning for any except closest relations.

A mourning band on the sleeve is sometimes worn by men, but it is impossible to describe its significance from the standpoint of propriety, since it is worn equally for those most closely related and for those most distantly, without distinction, and since it is a custom derived originally from England, where it serves as a cheap method of providing mourning liveries for servants.

After the loss of a close relation, a woman pays no calls for six months. After that time, she may visit her intimates, but not on their at-home days. She may also attend concerts and theater matinées and the like, in a very quiet way. After a year, she may appear at small dinners, and at the theater in the evening, and the like. But box parties and all the elaborate functions, such for example as balls, must not be resumed until the period of mourning has expired.

Elderly women are likely to prefer a mourning garb for the remainder of their lifetime, after the death of a husband. In such cases, after perhaps two years, the widow’s bonnet and veil are given up, and nun’s veiling is substituted. While the gown remains black, the crêpe is omitted from it, and the mourning handkerchief is no longer carried. Jewelry is worn, but not of an ostentatious kind.

MUSICALES

THE MUSICALE is merely a formal at home where music is made a special feature of the entertainment. Throughout, the procedure is that of an at home, and the details are to be found in full in the chapter under that heading. The only formal difference is in the wording of the invitation, which makes mention of music as the feature.

The invitations are engraved, and may take either of the two usual forms, according to the choice of the hostess.

_Mrs. George H. Baxter

requests the pleasure of

.......................................

company

at a musicale

on Friday evening, May first

at half-past nine o’clock

Twenty-seven Maple Street_

Or the at-home form may be used as follows:

_Mr. and Mrs. George H. Baxter

At Home

Friday evening, May first

at half-past nine o’clock

Twenty-seven Maple Street

Music_

Such an affair in the evening is often of the most elaborate character, and is essentially a concert. But a musicale may be given with equal propriety in the afternoon. The form for engraved invitations is precisely the same, with the single exception of the hours named, for the afternoon entertainment specifies the time as _from four until seven o’clock_.

For a less formal occasion, a hostess may extend her invitations by sending a visiting-card, on which she writes, below her name, _Friday, May first, four to seven o’clock_, and underneath this the single word _Music_. Or in place of the word _Music_, she may write _To hear_ .............. adding the name of a particular performer.

The obligations of the guests follow in all respects those to which attention has been already given under the title “At Homes.” Thus, in the matter of costumes, the usage resembles that explained concerning correct garb for both afternoon and evening receptions in the earlier chapter.

It might be well to emphasize the fact that no direct reply is required for an invitation announcing that the hostess will be at home on a certain date. But the case is quite otherwise when that form of invitation is employed which requests the pleasure of the guest’s company. This demands a prompt answer, whether of acceptance or of refusal, which should be couched in the third person. Thus:

_Mr. and Mrs. Henry Sage Beckett

accept with pleasure

Mrs. Baxter’s kind invitation

for May first

Nineteen Wentworth Square

April twenty-first, 1919_

Or, in the event of inability to accept, or disinclination, the answer should run as follows:

_Mr. and Mrs. Henry Sage Beckett

regret that a previous engagement

prevents their acceptance

of Mrs. Baxter’s kind invitation

for May first

Nineteen Wentworth Square

April twenty-first, 1919_

OPERA

A SUFFICIENT FORM for an invitation to an opera party will be found in the chapter on the theater, which needs only a verbal change to specify the particular performance at the opera instead of at the playhouse. In general, also, the procedure suited to attendance at the theater is to be followed in connection with the opera. But there are certain differences that should be regarded.

The dress for the opera is more formal than for the theater, generally speaking. The man, for example, usually keeps his white gloves on. The woman, for her part, wears a gown that is sleeveless and decolleté, and displays jewels according to her means or taste. An aigrette takes the place of the hat that may be worn to the theater. Nevertheless, it is quite permissible for a woman occupying a stall in the orchestra at the opera to wear a costume of the sort commonly seen at the theater.

Visiting at the opera is a distinctive feature, facilitated as it is by the number of boxes, so greatly in excess of those with which the theater is supplied. For it is with the boxes that this visiting is chiefly concerned, though it reaches to some extent to the orchestra stalls.

Between acts is the proper time for such calls, which are usually, but not exclusively, paid by men. A gentleman may call on a lady of his acquaintance in a box, though she is a guest of a host or hostess who is not known to him. In such case, the woman to whom he pays the visit must introduce him to her entertainer. But an introduction of the sort is merely formal, and entails no necessity of subsequent recognition by either party.

No more than five minutes, or even less, should be given to such calls, but some discretion is permitted by the particular circumstances. Thus, where there are many coming and going, the time should be shorter than when there are few other visitors, or none. The call should never extend beyond the end of the intermission.

Since an opera box is equipped with a vestibule of its own, the women do not leave their wraps in the cloak-room, but wait until their arrival at the box, when they are taken off in the vestibule. Afterward, on entering the box, the chaperon and other older women precede the younger, and are offered the choice of seats. But they usually prefer the less conspicuous positions, and the chairs at the rail are given to the débutantes, or younger matrons. The exact arrangement is always a matter for the display of tact on the part of host or hostess.

Visiting among the stalls is necessarily more limited, but is practised to any extent rendered convenient by location.

In such visiting, the ordinary amenities of social intercourse are to be observed. The men, for example, must stand when a lady enters the box in which they are seated, and they should remain standing until her departure, or until she has taken a chair.

PRIVATE THEATRICALS

PRIVATE THEATRICALS are usually the feature of an evening function.

The form of invitation is exactly the same as for a musicale, with the one exception in substituting _Theatricals at ten o’clock_. The phrase appears thus in the at-home form of announcement. When the invitation requests the pleasure of the guest’s company, _At Private Theatricals_ is preferred as the descriptive statement.

On occasions when the theatricals are to be followed by a dance, the word _Dancing_ is added at the bottom of the card.

The letters _R.s.v.p._ are commonly employed in connection with such invitations, and their appearance on the card emphasizes the necessity of a written reply.

RECEPTIONS

ALL DETAILS of the etiquette that has to do with receptions, whether they are held in the afternoon or in the evening, are carefully described in the chapter treating various forms of the at home.

SMOKING

A GUEST in the home of another must not smoke unless invited to do so by host or hostess.

A man in the presence of a lady must not smoke unless he asks for, and receives, permission to do so.

A man should not smoke when walking with a woman in public.

A man must not converse while holding cigar, pipe, or cigarette in his mouth.

STAIRS

IN A FORMER generation, women hid their ankles, and gave brief glimpses of them only by accident or naughty design. It was then required of a gentleman that he should precede a lady in ascending stairs. To-day, fashion has cleared away all mystery concerning feminine ankles, and a gentleman is permitted to follow the lady as she mounts the stairs.

STREET ETIQUETTE