Part 3

An invitation to dinner demands an immediate answer, either accepting or declining. The invitation cannot be accepted conditionally, nor can the decision be delayed. The form of reply should be as simple as the form of the invitation.

_17 North Street

April 30th, 1919

Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter

accept with pleasure

Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s

invitation to dinner

Tuesday evening, May the sixth

at half-past seven_

For a declination, the following form may be used:

_17 North Street

April 30, 1919

Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter

regret that their absence from the city

must prevent their acceptance of

Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s

invitation to dinner on

Tuesday evening, May the sixth

at half-past seven_

The invitation in the form of a note is answered similarly by a note. Thus:

_42 Chestnut Street April 30, 1919

My Dear Mrs. Morehouse:_

_It is with much pleasure that I accept your kind invitation to dinner on Tuesday evening, the sixth, at half-past seven o’clock._

_Yours sincerely, Helen Potter_

A declination should state a courteous reason.

All such answers are addressed to the hostess alone. If she is married the husband is, nevertheless, omitted from the address.

The reply to an informal invitation should always be correspondingly informal.

For a formal dinner, there should be an even number of guests, eight or ten, or more, with the sexes evenly divided.

Either a round or square table will serve, but it should be large enough to accommodate all the party without crowding.

A pad should cover the table. The white cloth over this should be so large that the corners reach nearly to the floor.

A folded napkin is placed on each plate, with a roll or piece of bread laid within it. Three forks are laid to the left of the plate, with prongs up. Two steel knives are to the right of the plate, and then a silver knife, the edge of each to the left. A soup spoon follows the silver knife, and then an oyster fork. Other utensils are sometimes added, but are not necessary.

A goblet for water is placed before the knives. With it are grouped whatever wine glasses may be required. A small card lying on the napkin carries the name of the guest to be seated here.

When dinner is announced, the host offers his arm to the woman who is to sit on his right, and leads the way to the dining-room. Already, in welcoming the guests, the hostess has made known the dinner-partners, introducing them when necessary. These now follow in pairs to the dining-room. The hostess brings up the rear. The guests find their places by the cards.

The hostess does not rise in greeting a late arrival, even a woman. But the host does, and sees to the seating of the laggard.

It has long been the custom for the ladies to leave the dining-room after the fruit course, and to have coffee served in the drawing-room. In such case, the men stand until the women have passed out. Afterward, they seat themselves where they please, and smoking is permitted. The present-day tendency, however, is toward lessening the time of this separation and often doing away with it altogether, especially at less formal dinners, which otherwise follow an essentially identical routine.

Both host and hostess must say farewell, standing, with a handclasp, to each guest.

As for the guest, his first duty is to arrive exactly on time. Fifteen minutes of delay is the limit.

On ceremonious occasions, the hostess writes a lady’s name on a card, and places it in an envelope. This is given to the male guest on his arrival by a servant, and from it he learns the identity of the one he is to take in to dinner. When the dinner is announced, he offers his arm, and escorts the woman into the dining-room, where he pulls out her chair, and stands until she is seated.

It is permissible for dinner-partners, after the opening courses, to give some attention to their other immediate neighbors.

A guest is free to leave at any time after the conclusion of the dinner. Usually, an hour is long enough to remain after the meal is ended.

In taking leave, the guest must express a courteous appreciation of the hospitality that has been extended.

“I am under deep obligation to you, Mrs. Johnson, for a most delightful evening.”

This, or any similar pleasant phrases of gratitude, will serve. The words of appreciation should be particularly addressed to the hostess always.

Evening dress is required for all guests at a formal dinner. For men, the regulation swallow-tail is imperative. The wearing of a dinner-jacket is not allowable on any occasion of ceremony.

GARDEN-PARTIES

GARDEN-PARTIES are probably destined to grow in popularity in this century, for they offer one of the simplest and most pleasant forms of entertainment during those seasons when the outdoors is attractive.

For such an affair, the hostess sends out invitations about ten days beforehand. These may be engraved on white bristol board, in which case either one of two forms is permissible.

_Mrs. Melville Stratton

At Home

Friday afternoon, April third

from four until seven o’clock

Garden-Party Nine Park Square_

Or:

_Mrs. Melville Stratton

requests the pleasure of

.............................

company on Friday afternoon

April third

from four until seven o’clock

Garden-Party Nine Park Square_

If less pretentiousness is preferred for the occasion, the hostess may merely use a visiting-card. Below her name she writes:

_Garden-Party, April third, four to seven o’clock._

Still a third method of issuing the invitations is by means of a short note, written in the first person.

The formal engraved invitation demands a prompt reply, written in the third person. An acceptance might properly take this mode of expression:

_Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster

accept with pleasure

Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation

for April third.

Thirty Abernethey Row

May twenty-fifth, 1919_

A refusal might be in the following form:

_Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster

regret that a previous engagement

prevents their acceptance

of Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation

for April third

Thirty Abernethey Row May twenty-fifth, 1919_

When the invitation is by means of the visiting-card, an answer is not obligatory. Yet, it is well to acknowledge this form of invitation, also, by sending a short note written in the first person, either accepting or refusing.

Of course, when the invitation itself takes the form of a note, the answer should follow the same style.

It is part of the duty of the hostess to put her house in order, as well as the grounds. The guests on arriving may, in many cases, go within before greeting the hostess, to lay aside wraps or heavy veils. Moreover, weather conditions may make it necessary to seek shelter indoors. It is often convenient also to have the refreshments set out on the porch. These should include hot and cold tea, punch or claret-cup, cakes, sandwiches, salads, fruits in season, and the like, which are partaken of by the guests according to their pleasure.

Or a marquée may shelter the refreshments—a tent roof set up at any desired place on the lawn.

The hostess receives her guests on the lawn. She wears an afternoon gown, suitable for the season, and a hat. But, if she prefers, she may leave off the hat, and use a parasol in its stead.

The women guests, too, wear their most effective afternoon gowns and also hats and veils and gloves, which are not taken off.

The men may wear frock or morning coats and silk hats, and this garb is common at garden-parties in England. In this country, however, more comfortable clothes are popular, and flannels, or other fabrics of light material, are favored.

Guests leave their cards on a tray provided for that purpose in the hallway of the house. The requirements concerning cards have already been fully explained in the chapters on cards and at homes.

After greeting the hostess, a guest must remain for at least twenty minutes, and may properly continue on throughout the whole afternoon.

Discretion should be used in the matter of saying farewell. It should be omitted if the hostess is occupied. If she is free, good-bye may be spoken, and with it a phrase in appreciation of the hospitality.

HOUSE-PARTIES

THE HOUSE-PARTY is made up of any number of guests, from half a dozen to a score, and may be merely for a few days or for any desired length of time. But, whatever is to be the length of the guest’s stay, it should be specifically stated in the invitation. It is a common saying that an invitation that sets no time for the visit is no invitation at all, and the saying is quite true.

So, in writing her invitation, a hostess mentions the exact day for the guest’s arrival, and, as well, the exact day of departure. The invitation is always a note written in the first person. The following may serve as an illustration:

_The Oaks, Hyde Park. April 10, 1919._

_Dear Mrs. Ashland:_

_I should be delighted to have you come to us for the next week-end, and I hope that there is no previous engagement to prevent your giving us this pleasure._

_The best train for you to take from the city is the one leaving at three in the afternoon. Mr. Lawrence will meet this at the station here on Friday._

_In eager anticipation of your visit, believe me,_

_Cordially yours, Ella Lawrence_

The guest’s answer to the invitation must be of the promptest, whether it accepts or rejects the proposal of a visit. It should, of course, be written in the first person. The wording is a matter for the individual taste, and the form following is offered merely as a suggestion.

_47 Tremont St., New York._ _April 11, 1919._

_Dear Mrs. Lawrence:_

_I am more pleased than I can tell you to receive your kind invitation, since there is nothing to prevent my acceptance of it. I shall take the three o’clock train on Friday afternoon for Hyde Park, and I am looking forward very eagerly to being with you so soon._

_Yours sincerely, Roberta Ashland_

The declination of the invitation should contain some fitting expression of regret, and an explanation as to the causes that render an acceptance impossible.

It is imperative that a girl should be met at the station by her host in person, or, if convenient, preferably by the hostess, or perhaps by both. But this attention is not obligatory in the case of a married couple or with a bachelor guest. But these, too, should be met at the station by a servant if not by the host, and duly conveyed to the house where they are to be entertained.

The guest on arrival should be welcomed at the entrance by the hostess, if she has not been to the station, and after the greetings she escorts the guest, if this is a woman, to the chamber she is to occupy, and there leaves her to freshen herself after the journey.

When the luggage is brought in, a competent maid will unpack it and distribute the contents through the drawers of the bureau and in the closet, and render such other services as may be required. A less competent maid can at least unstrap the luggage, remove trays, and help in the disposal of the contents.

In the case of a man, after being greeted by his hostess, he is conducted to his room by the host.

The wardrobe requirements for the visitor at a house-party are regulated by the probable nature of the entertainment that will be provided, by the season of the year, and by the particular social status of the hosts. No hard-and-fast rule can be given. Thus, where a woman visits a country house for a few days in the summer, she needs no larger wardrobe than can be carried in the tiniest of trunks, suitcase and hat-box. The hat used for traveling will serve her also on occasion during the visit, but she will need in addition a sport-hat for tramping or out-door games and another hat of sufficient elegance for wear at a lawn party or wherever more elaborate dress is necessary. The frocks should follow the lines thus indicated, and there should be a sufficiency of dainty waists and footgear besides the inevitable decolleté gowns for evening wear.

For the man, also, evening clothes are essential, and he should be provided with flannels, besides the business suit in which he travels. For winter, the change in season would demand a corresponding change in the matter of dress, especially for out of doors.

The hostess plans sufficient entertainment for her guests, but, if she is discreet, she does not plan too many things. It is customary to leave the mornings to the devices of the guests, to be occupied by them according to their individual pleasure. Where a morning start is required on some expedition, such as a picnic, the hostess is likely to leave the evening free from any special entertainment.

It is the duty of the guest to conform to the habits of the household. If the party assembles together for breakfast, he or she must make one of the number though the hour may be too early or too late for personal convenience. Likewise, the guest should accept such disposal of his or her time as the hostess may choose to make, even when the preference would be quite otherwise. The tactful hostess, of course, studies the likes and dislikes of her guests, and seeks to reconcile her hospitality so far as possible to their prejudices.

It is customary to give tips on leaving a house-party to those servants with whom the guest has been brought more closely in contact. The maid who has attended to the room should receive a dollar from the visitor for a few days; the butler, if there is one, should receive a dollar and a half. The amount for the chauffeur should be regulated to some extent by his personal service in the guest’s behalf. Where there has been none, a dollar is sufficient.

These figures are applicable in the cases of unmarried women and bachelors, although the tendency of the latter is to give more. The sums named, however, are regarded as acceptable by the servants themselves. Naturally, they enjoy the lavish, even prodigal tips given by certain persons of wealth, who are more ostentatious than discreet. Such indiscretions, however, need not set up a false standard for other guests.

In the case of a husband and wife, the tips to maid and butler, etc., should be increased. It is usual for the wife to tip the female servants, while the husband satisfies those of his own sex. When the care of the guest’s shoes devolves on a house-boy, he, too, should be remembered with a half-dollar.

The male guests frequently give a tip of a dollar or more to the cook.

It is the duty of the hostess in the case of a woman visitor to bid her farewell in person, even if this should necessitate arising at an unpleasantly early hour. But in the case of a man’s leaving thus early, it suffices if she makes her farewell the night before. It then becomes the duty of the host to attend on the guest for the breakfast and departure.

In about a week after such a visit, the guest should write a note to the hostess, expressing warm appreciation of the hospitality thus enjoyed. It is also permissible for the guest to send a gift that is not too costly, such as a book, or any simple thing that may serve as a token of remembrance. But this is in no wise obligatory, and, in fact, good taste is likely to prevent the bestowal of such a gift in most cases. There could hardly be anything less satisfactory to a hostess than a string of such souvenirs from her whilom guests.

Where the visit is a very short one, less than two days, it is customary to dispense with the bread-and-butter letter.

INTRODUCTIONS

SIMPLICITY SHOULD always characterize good manners, and this truth applies especially in the matter of introductions. There should be no attempt at fine phrases.

“Mrs. Smith, let me present Mr. Jones.”

It is to be noted that the names of both persons concerned are given. They should be spoken with entire distinctness.

In this form, a man is presented to a woman, and this is the rule to be generally observed. It is admissible for the introduction to contain an expression of the man’s wish for it.

“Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones desires to be presented to you.”

Slight variations in the phrasing of these forms are permitted. For example, after saying, “Mrs. Smith, let me present Mr. Jones,” it is proper to add some such phrase as, “He is very anxious to meet you.”

It is always a mark of courtesy to request a lady’s permission in advance of the actual introduction. When introductions are to be made between a woman, who is a newcomer, and an assembly of guests, the newcomer is given the formal distinction of receiving the introductions.

“Miss Brown, let me present Mrs. Robinson, Miss Robinson, Miss Helen Robinson, Mr. Jones, Mr. Truesdale.”

Often, the form of introduction is curtailed, especially when the company is numerous. In such case, merely the names are spoken, that of the stranger having first place.

“Miss Brown—Mrs. Robinson, Miss Robinson, Miss Helen Robinson, Mr. Jones, Mr. Truesdale.”

Care must be taken to remember that the person to whom the introduction is made has the place of honor. It is on this account that the rule of proper procedure requires the presentation of a man to a woman, and always the presentation of the inferior to the superior, although the distinction is usually purely theoretical. For example, an unmarried woman should be presented to a matron. So, the younger person should be presented to his or her elders; the ordinary person should be presented to the person of distinction. Where men or women are of nearly equal age or station, it is safer not to discriminate between them by presenting one to the other. It is enough merely to name them.

“Mr. Smith, Mr. Robinson.” Or: “Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Brown.”

It is a part of good tact on the part of a host or hostess in making introductions to add a few words of explanation as to some particular interest of each, which may be of assistance to them at the beginning of their conversation.

In every instance, the greatest care should be taken by the person making an introduction to pronounce both names with the utmost clearness. Nothing is more annoying than an indistinct mumble that leaves the hearers uninformed.

When, for any reason, one fails to understand a stranger’s name at the time of introduction, it is permissible to ask it.

“Pardon me, but I did not understand the name.”

There are some variations that should be noted as to the manner of acknowledging an introduction. In her own home, a woman should offer her hand, while saying, “Mrs. Smith, I am very glad to meet you,” or any similar phrase of cordial greeting. But such a cordial phrase is not to be used by a woman when a man is presented to her, unless she is the hostess. A man, on the contrary, on receiving his introduction to a lady, should express his appreciation in a courteous sentence.

“I am very glad to meet you, Miss Robinson.”

The tendency to-day is toward elimination of handshaking by women on the occasion of an introduction, except in the case of a hostess. A slight bow of the head, a smile and the repetition of the stranger’s name are deemed enough. But many women still prefer a less formal manner, and give their hand when an introduction is made.

It is the duty of a hostess to stand up when receiving an introduction. This applies equally whether the stranger is a man or a woman. But a woman other than the hostess, when a member of a group, remains seated during any introduction to her unless it is of one her superior in age or station, whom she should honor by rising. Otherwise, it is preferable for a woman to stand in acknowledging an introduction of one of her own sex, though she should remain seated when a man is presented to her.

In England, it is usual to omit introductions among those gathered in the same house, and guests are expected to conduct themselves as acquaintances without this formality. In our country, however, the custom has not prevailed to any considerable extent, and it is not ordinarily proper for strangers to address each other without having been introduced, even though they are fellow-guests.

A hostess should introduce all her guests one to another at ordinary dinner-parties, luncheons, or breakfasts. But, in the case of very large dinner-parties, she is required only to introduce those who are to be partners at table, though it is advisable for her to make other introductions to any extent convenient. At the table, however, introductions should be carefully avoided. If the women leave the table before the men, other introductions may be made among them in the drawing-room. The men, too, on returning to the drawing-room may be presented to such women as they have not already met.

When a hostess receives at home, she should introduce each new arrival to some of the guests who are near by. If she has an assistant in receiving, each guest should be presented. On formal occasions, it is not her duty to go about among the guests in order to introduce them.

The hostess at a large ball follows a similar course of conduct. But in less formal affairs she should be at pains to see that no guest is neglected, and that each, as far as possible, has a due share in the dancing.

It is especially desirable on all formal occasions, such as large balls for example, that a man wishing to present a friend to a woman should first privately ask her permission.

Introductions of a very casual sort should never be taken too seriously. This applies particularly to those made in a public place, such as the street, when a person accompanied by a friend meets an acquaintance, who is a stranger to that friend, and there is a pause for a brief chat. Usually, there is no occasion for an introduction under these circumstances, and if one is made it may be afterward ignored. As a matter of fact, only a rather extensive conversation between the acquaintances would justify an introduction. Perfunctory introductions of those temporarily associated in a game on the tennis court, or the like, are to be regarded as equally casual, and not of a sort necessitating subsequent recognition.

Introductions may be formally made by letter. In such case, the letter should deal exclusively with the introduction. There is no set form, but the following will serve as a sufficient guide, to be varied according to personal inclination:

_Burlington, Vermont._ _June 1, 1919._

_My dear Mrs. Smith:_

_It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you my friend, Miss Truesdale, who is about to visit relatives in your city. I shall deeply appreciate any courtesy you may show her._

_With kindest regards to yourself and Mr. Smith, I am,_

_Yours sincerely, Mabel Potter_

A similar form will suffice for the introduction of a man, whether to another man or to a woman. Discretion should be exercised always in the granting of letters of introduction, and it is well to write a separate letter giving details concerning the person thus introduced. The letter of introduction itself should be placed in an addressed envelope, which is left unsealed, to be presented in person by the one to be introduced.

Instead of a letter, a common practise uses the visiting-card of the person making the introduction. In such case, a line is written across the top of the card.

_Introducing Mr. Russell Elliot_

This card also is enclosed within its proper envelope, duly addressed, but unsealed, and delivered to the person for whose benefit it is given.