Part 2

There are many varieties of those calls that are imposed by formal courtesy. Thus, in the matter of weddings, it becomes the duty of any one who has taken official part in the affair, such as a bride’s-maid or a best man, to call on the mother of the bride within a few days after the marriage ceremony, and also to call on the bride immediately after her return from the honeymoon trip. The like duty devolves on invited guests to a home wedding, to a wedding-reception and to a wedding-breakfast.

A similar formal call should be paid to the hostess by each guest at a dinner, or breakfast, or other special entertainment. Such a call must be made within two weeks. The obligation is the same even in cases where the invitation has been declined.

As to the returning of calls, such visits should be made on the day at home if there is one, and otherwise at a suitable time according to the social usage of the neighborhood within a fortnight. But this ruling applies properly only to the return for a first call. Afterward, a longer or shorter interval may elapse between visits according to the desire of the parties concerned. A former acquaintance may be maintained merely by an annual exchange of calls. It must be noted, however, that a call in person demands a personal visit in return. The formal leaving of a card at the door does not suffice.

Persons giving up their residence in a community or going on a long journey should send their cards to their full visiting-list with the initials _P.p.c._ (_Pour prendre congé_, for leave-taking).

It occurs often that a person wishes to call on a friend in the home of a stranger. Such a call is permissible, but the visitor should ask for the hostess as well as the friend, and leave a card for her.

In the matter of initiative, it is fitting that an elder woman should invite a younger to the exchange of cards and calls, and that the matron should thus invite the maiden. Where there is equality of years or station, the first advance must depend on the personal inclinations of the parties.

The proprieties in reference to calls between women are thus seen to be simple enough. There is more complexity in the procedure when it has to do with the calling of men on women. It is not deemed proper for a young unmarried woman to invite calls from men. Such visits on their part are left to the discretion of the mother or chaperon. But, undoubtedly, the débutante will see to it that mother or chaperon does not fail in her functions. As to the older women, and those married, there is some variation locally in the polite usage. Sometimes the woman feels it her privilege to invite the man to call without awaiting solicitation on his part; sometimes she requires that the advance should be on the part of the man in the form of a request for permission to visit her.

If any person requires that a definite time should be given for the emancipation of a girl from the social dominance of her mother or chaperon, it may be set at about the twenty-fifth year, after which time a young woman is theoretically fitted to decide for herself as to who her visitors shall be.

A young woman of sensibility will be extremely chary of her invitations to men, and very sure before extending them that they are really desired. If at any time a man fails to avail himself of such an invitation, her self-respect will not permit her to repeat it.

The strictness of the above rules of conduct has been greatly relaxed in the case of the average American girl, who democratically insists from the outset of her social career on her own choice in the matter of acquaintances and friends. But even this laxity does not permit an invitation to a man on the first meeting. Such haste is neither good form nor ordinary prudence.

In a consideration of formal calls, it should be noted that in practise the offices of the wife are commonly accepted in her husband’s behalf by her leaving his card when she pays her dinner-call, or the like. The exigencies of business are supposed to justify this vicarious method.

While it is proper for a woman to call upon a man for business reasons, social calls are forbidden.

Calls of condolence, except when there is an intimate friendship, are properly made by leaving a card. The expression of sympathy is usually best made by a brief note.

Calls of congratulation may be made by acquaintances of both sexes on a woman who announces her engagement to be married. Calls following the announcement of a birth are expected by the mother from the women of her acquaintance.

The day at home is such a social convenience that it is popular, not only in the cities, but in many smaller towns. It is usually set for one afternoon in the week, sometimes for an afternoon each two weeks during the social season. The day should appear on the visiting-card. The hours for entertaining on the day at home are from three until six, but this period is frequently extended for another hour. The hostess should devote herself assiduously to her guests, and should provide some light forms of food and drink. Usually, tea is served. Sufficient notice is given of the day at home by sending out the visiting-cards at the beginning of the season. One advantage of the day at home is that it justifies the hostess in not receiving casual callers on other occasions.

It is the duty of the hostess to meet and address each guest with a handshake. “How do you do, Mrs. Smith? I am so glad to see you!” or a similar phrase, should be used in greeting each arrival. She should also introduce strangers to other guests near by. She should not leave the reception-room to make her farewells to departing guests, unless in case of some person of particular distinction. “Good-afternoon, Mr. Brown. I shall hope to see you again very soon,” or the like, affords a sufficient form of farewell.

If the husband is present during his wife’s at home, he should undertake to second her hospitable efforts to the best of his ability, showing attention to any requiring it.

A woman caller does not remove her gloves or veil, or even her wrap, unless it is a heavy one. But rubbers and umbrella and any heavy outer garment should be left in the hall.

For a man, formal politeness permits the carrying of both hat and stick into the drawing-room. But this rule is to-day more honored in the breach than in the observance. And, too, the right hand at least is usually ungloved. The hat and stick, when carried, are held in the left hand, and should be retained throughout the call, though it is permissible to put them down on the floor beside one, for greater convenience when taking refreshments.

When the day at home is of a formal sort, the women do not exchange kisses in greeting, and the gloves are not taken off even when tea is drunk.

CARDS

VISITING-CARDS are of three sizes, which remain practically the same year after year. The largest is that used by matrons, while that of the unmarried woman is a very little smaller, and that of the man much smaller. The present style as to materials favors a polished bristol board that is white and substantial without being too heavy. This should be printed from an engraved plate in black ink. The lettering may be a running script or old English.

Under no circumstances should a woman’s card carry any prefix other than _Mrs._ or _Miss_, but one or the other of these invariably appears. This rule does not apply in the case of professional women who may wish a distinctive card for business purposes, with its prefix of _Dr._ or _Rev._ Such a card would also carry the address in the lower right-hand corner and perhaps office-hours in the lower left-hand corner. But even the professional woman requires the plainer form of card for social purposes.

There is a tendency at present to give the name in full on the card. For example, _Mrs. John James Smith_, or _Miss Maude MacArthur_.

It is permissible for the senior matron of a family to use only the family name on her card with the prefix: for example, _Mrs. Fuller_. It is more common, however, to omit the Christian name of an eldest daughter who is unmarried: _Miss Fuller_. The other daughters require the Christian name on their cards: _Miss Mary Fuller_, _Miss Gladys Fuller_.

The tendency in this country is strongly against the omission of the name in either of the above cases. Although it is perfectly correct as a social usage, it is opposed to the spirit of our institutions.

There is some variation in the use of the name on the card in the case of a widow. It is within the woman’s choice whether she will continue to use the Christian name of her husband on the card, or will put her own in place of it. In other words, she may use the same cards after the death of her husband as before if she prefers, or she may follow the _Mrs._ with her own Christian name. A common form to-day gives the woman’s Christian name and the surname to which she was born and finally the surname of her husband. A present vogue permits also the use of only the two surnames, without the Christian name. Thus, Mary Brown marries James Robinson. The husband dies and the widow changes her visiting-cards, which have read, _Mrs. James Robinson_, so that they now read, _Mrs. Mary Robinson_. Then presently she grows ambitious socially and has her cards changed to read, _Mrs. Mary Brown Robinson_. Soon, she seizes on a newer style, and again changes her cards in accordance with it to read, _Mrs. Brown Robinson_.

It should be noted that the variations in cards practised by widows are used also by divorced women. And when a divorcée resumes her maiden name she properly uses with it the prefix _Mrs._, not _Miss_.

As a matter of strict propriety, a girl during her first social season does not formally use an individual card. Her name appears below that of her mother in the same lettering. When making calls unaccompanied by her mother, the latter’s name is crossed out with a pencil mark.

Where two daughters of nearly the same age are concerned, both are included on the mother’s card by the words _The Misses_, followed by the family name.

The above details are applied especially to a débutante in the first season. Afterward, a young woman uses her own individual card when calling alone. But this card should not carry on it the day at home. The at-home statement appears on the mother’s individual card. It is given also on the card combining the names of mother and daughter. The combination card may with correctness be frequently used in appropriate circumstances until the daughter’s marriage.

The notice of the day at home is placed in the lower left-hand corner of the card. Only the day of the week is given, or with such qualification as may be required if the at-home day is not of weekly recurrence. The hours should not be specified unless they are a distinct variation from the customary time, between three and six. In addition, a time limit to the at homes may be specified. Thus, _Fridays until March_. Of course, the beginning is set for any individual by reception of the card.

A married woman finds frequent use for a card in combination with her husband, though this by no means takes the place of her individual cards, and, while it bears the address in the lower right-hand corner, does not usually give the at-home day. This card may properly be used for those formal occasions in which her husband is concerned. For example, it may fittingly accompany a gift from husband and wife. It serves also for announcing a marriage with the residence of the bridal couple.

A man’s visiting-card always carries the prefix _Mr._ The single exception to this is when _Jr._ follows the name. The name is commonly given in full, but it is permissible to use only the initial of the middle name. It is strictly proper for the male head of a family to use only the family name on his card, preceded by _Mr._ Thus, the head of the Smiths—could he be located—might use on his visiting-card merely _Mr. Smith_, instead of _Mr. John Smith_.

The home address appears in the lower right-hand corner of the card, and a bachelor may add also the name of a club in the lower left-hand corner. The business address, of course, should never appear on the card used for social purposes. Likewise, a day at home should not be given by a bachelor even though he may entertain regularly.

It is a safe rule to avoid titles on the visiting-cards of men as of women. The only exceptions are in instances little likely to concern the average reader of this book. Such instances are afforded by the President of the United States, the Vice-President, Ambassadors, the higher Judiciary, Army and Navy Officers, clergymen and physicians. The custom in the army, however, forbids any prefix except plain _Mr._ to an officer below the rank of Captain.

In the case of all officers the nature of his command is properly stated in a lower corner of the card.

Lawyers and physicians should have only the home address on the card used for social purposes. Another card with the business address should be used for business purposes. But _Dr._ is properly used by the physician in place of _Mr._ on his visiting-cards. Likewise, a clergyman uses _Reverend_, or its abbreviation _Rev._, on all his cards, which are commonly identical for both social and professional uses.

The letters indicative of degrees are not given after the name on the visiting-card, though a single exception is sometimes made by clergymen who omit _Rev._ before their names and, in lieu of it, use _D.D._ following the name.

When it becomes necessary, for any reason, to write one’s name on a visiting-card, the prefix _Mr._ should be given, following the ordinary form of the engraved card.

Care should be taken in the case of mourning-cards to avoid a too ostentatious parade of grief by an unduly broad margin of black. Somewhat less than a half inch is permissible for a widow’s card, and, after the first year, it is well to have this width reduced. Often, other reductions in the size of the border are made at intervals of six months, as long as the period of mourning continues.

The card of a widower must carry a border proportionately narrower, as its size is smaller than a woman’s card, but the decrease in width is made after the same manner.

When a woman elects to remain in mourning permanently, the narrow black border may be retained throughout her lifetime.

It is not customary to make variations in the mourning border for the commemoration of persons other than husband or wife. For these, a fitting width is about a twelfth part of an inch, which remains the same throughout the period of mourning.

When a call is made on a day at home, the card or cards are commonly left in the hall on a tray placed for that purpose. A married woman calling on the at-home day of another married woman for the first time in the season leaves her own card and two of her husband’s cards. But in later calls on the at-home day she leaves her card and the two cards of her husband’s only when the call acknowledges entertainment offered to them by the hostess.

There has been considerable simplification in recent years as to the leaving of cards. They are no longer weirdly bent in sign of delivery in person, and a smaller number are used. Thus, though the hostess referred to above may have unmarried daughters receiving with her, cards for them need not be left. But the presence of a married daughter or a friend formally assisting in the reception of the guests requires the leaving of a card.

A woman leaves no cards for the men of the family where she visits.

It is the business of the wife to fulfill her husband’s formal social duties by leaving his cards with hers whenever entertainment should be acknowledged.

Where two spinsters share a residence, a woman caller, the first time in the season, should leave two of her cards, and also, if she is a married woman, two of her husband’s. So, too, a card should be left for a daughter or sister who is hostess of the house, even though she may be unmarried.

When an unmarried girl uses her individual card, she should follow the procedure indicated for the matron in the use of hers. Or she may use the combination card of her mother and herself as already described above.

A call on a mother and daughter who are out requires the leaving of two cards. The same procedure is necessary in the case of a hostess who has a friend staying with her. Likewise, a call made on a friend who is a guest in another’s house demands the leaving of two cards. This rule applies in the case of a man as well as of a woman. It should be observed that two cards are deemed sufficient in most cases. Where, however, the hostess has a guest staying with her and also daughters of her own, three cards are to be left.

A man wishing to call on a particular woman must be punctilious in leaving cards not only for the particular one in whom he is interested, but also for the mother or chaperon, and still a third for the host. But, if a call is made on a woman on her at-home day, no card need be left, unless the call is in acknowledgment of entertainment. In the latter case, a single card is left for the host. It is advisable, however, that in his first call he should leave a card for convenience in the matter of address.

It is permissible on certain occasions to leave visiting-cards with the servant at the door, or to send them through the mail or by a messenger, instead of making the call in person. Sometimes a woman who is owing a call thus sends her card along with an invitation, as for luncheon or dinner. The invitation is considered to justify the merely formal matter of the card. So, too, a person receiving an invitation from a hostess who is a stranger must, if the invitation is declined, leave cards within two weeks after the date of the entertainment. An invalid may send cards through the post in acknowledgment of calls of inquiry, and a woman in mourning is able to fulfill her obligations in the same manner. Cards are formally left by all who receive invitations to a church wedding, and the requirement is the same for those to whom an announcement of the marriage is sent. Such cards are demanded of men and women both, to be left for the mother of the bride within a fortnight after the ceremony. Cards are left within a proper time after any form of entertainment to which the members of a club are invited, though there may be no other social acquaintance with the hostess. In calls of condolence or inquiry, cards are always left. They may be used also, as hereinbefore stated, to announce a prolonged absence or a change of address.

When cards are left in person, they are delivered to the servant at the door. One or two or three are to be left according to the circumstances. The caller should tell the servant the persons for whom the cards are designed.

Good taste dictates that calls of inquiry concerning the condition of a sick person should be made in person. Cards should be left at the time of such calls, except in the case of intimates. The cards should not be mailed or sent by messenger.

Acknowledgment of cards of condolence are made after a funeral by a large black-edged card of thanks, which should be sent within a month. Such cards are usually merely printed, not engraved. The wording should be of the simplest.

_Mrs. Jack Robinson

returns thanks to

.............................

for her kind sympathy_

The address of the one sending the card should appear at the bottom.

The form is varied according to circumstances. Thus:

_Mrs. Montgomery James and Family return thanks for your kind sympathy_

Some persons prefer to leave their visiting-cards with the mourning border on those to whom acknowledgment is due, instead of sending the special card by mail. Personal calls, however, are not made by those in mourning within three months at least of the time of the funeral. If earlier acknowledgment is to be made, the visiting-card with mourning-border may be sent by mail within a few weeks. A word of thanks should be written on the card. For example:

_With grateful appreciation of your sympathy_

The use of _P.p.c._ cards has already been described in the chapter on calls. It should be added that they are convenient when one is leaving on short notice without time to pay in person all calls due. The _P.p.c._ card involves no duty of acknowledgment on the part of its recipient.

A woman temporarily stopping in any place sends cards containing her address to any acquaintances she may have there. Her ordinary visiting-card serves the purpose, with a pencil line drawn through the engraved address and the temporary one written above it. But a man, in the same circumstances, makes his calls in person.

The new-born infant embarks on its social career by means of the card. The birth of a child is made known to the mother’s social list by mailing the mother’s card, which has tied to it by a strip of white satin ribbon a card only a quarter as large carrying the full name of the baby. In this case, the prefix _Mr._ or _Miss_ is omitted, but the date of birth appears in a lower corner. The recipients of these cards are required to call with inquiry as to the health of the senders, and to leave their cards in return. Persons residing at a distance may post their cards of acknowledgment, with a penciled phrase of congratulation.

DINNERS

FORMAL INVITATIONS to dinner should be sent between five and ten days before the date. A hostess may use her own discretion as to whether she will write the invitations by hand or use an engraved form. The wording is the same in either case.

_Mr. and Mrs. Walter Peck

request the pleasure of

...........................................

company at dinner

on.................evening

at........................o’clock

401 Armstrong Street_

The engraved form should be printed on a large, heavy piece of bristol board in old English or block type, or in script. When the dinner has a guest of honor, notice of the fact may be given by a line across the bottom of the invitation:

_To meet Captain Arthur Shayne_

Or a special small card may be inclosed with the invitation, on which is engraved a similar phrase.

When the affair is of extraordinary importance, the form of invitation may dignify the purpose by announcing it at the outset.

_To meet

The Bishop of Albany

Mr. and Mrs. William Astor

request the pleasure of

........................................

company at dinner

on...........................evening

at.............................o’clock

401 Armstrong Street_

For dinners to which only a small number of persons are invited and these mutually acquainted, the formal mode of invitation is not required. A simple note is sufficient.

_31 Hamilton Place, March 7th, 1919_

_My Dear Mrs. Robinson:_

_Will you and Mr. Robinson, if disengaged, give us the pleasure of your company at dinner on Friday the thirteenth, at half-past seven o’clock?_

_Yours sincerely, Edith MacArthur_

This form may be varied according to the taste of the writer and the degree of intimacy with the person to whom the invitation is sent.

When it becomes necessary to invite some one to take the place of a guest who is unable to be present, this late invitation should not be of the formal sort, but should be contained in a note frankly explaining the circumstances. Such invitations, of course, are never made to merely formal acquaintances.

The custom formerly prevailed of writing the initials _R.s.v.p._, on the dinner invitations, the initials of the French words, répondez, s’il vous plaît (reply if you please). But this usage has lost favor.