Chapter 2

But to do that Gentleman Broom-stick Rider some Justice, and because we shall want a Name hereafter to Christen the t'other, as he has given the Name of _Relapser_, so I think that of the _Absolver_ will be a very proper one to distinguish our Switcher, by which the Reader may observe, that we are civiller to him than he to us however. And first then, I desire all Persons to observe, that in other places of the same Chapter of his Book, our _Absolver_, for all his detestation of the Stage, and of Poetry in general, yet takes a huge deal of pains in taking to pieces, and mending the Comedy of the _Relapse_; nay, and to shew how transcendent his own Skill in these things is, he has help'd the Author to a better Name for his Play, and says, _The Younger Brother_, or, _The Fortunate Cheat_, had been much properer. [Footnote: Collier, p. 210.] This shews some good will he has to the Comick Trade however; and I doubt not, but if his Closet were Ransack'd, we might find a divertive Scene or two, effects of his idle Non-preaching hours, where Modesty, Wit, and good Behaviour, would be shewn in perfection.

And yet, as to his own humour, we find it to be, by his Book, more fickle than even the Wind, or Feminine frailty in its highest Inconstancy. One while he's for Instructing our Stage, Modelling our Plays, Correcting the Drama, the Unity, Time and Place, and acts as very a Poet as ever writ an ill Play, or slept at an ill Sermon; and then, presently after, wheiw, in the twinkling of an Ejaculution, as Parson _Say-grace_ has it, he's summoning together a Convocation of old Fathers, to prove the Stage in past Ages exploded, and all Plays horrible, abominable Debauchers of youth, and not to be encourag'd in a Civil Government. What can we think of this, especialiy when I find him in this Paragraph of his Book * raving on at this rate, and quoting to us, That St. _Cyprian_, or the Author _de Spectaculis_, argues thus against those who thought the Play-House no unlawful diversion; 'tis too tedious to recite all, but enough of St. _Cyprian_ for my purpose runs thus:

What business has a Christian at such Places as these? A Christian who has not the liberty so much as to think of an ill thing, why does he entertain himself with lewd Representations? Has he a mind to discharge his Modesty, and be flesh'd for the Practice? Yes, this is the consequence, by using to see these things, he'll learn to do them; what need I mention the Levities and Impertinencies in Comedies, or the Ranting distractions of Tragedy, were these things unconcern'd with Idolatry, Christians ought not to be at them, for were they not highly Criminal, the foolery of them is Egregious, and unbecoming the gravity of Believers.

And then again, before he is out of breath,

A Christian has much better Sights than these to look at, he has solid Satisfactions in his power, which will please and improve him at the same time. Would a Christian be agreeably refresh'd, let him read the Scriptures, here the Entertainment will suit his Character, and be big enough for his quality. Ah, Beloved, how noble, how moving, how profitable a thing is it, to be thus employ'd, to have our expectations always in prospect, and be intent on the glories of Heaven!

Very good, and who is he so reprobated, that will not allow this to be devout, and admirable good Counsel? But now let us see how the _Absolver_, for all Pious quotation, has follow'd St. _Cyprian_'s Advice; that holy Father charges him not to entertain himself with such lewd things as Plays, and he very dutifully reads a thousand as fast as he can; nay, scans and weighs 'em, and, no doubt, not without tickling satisfaction, at the present, for all his Saturnine Remarks at last. Now if his Answer to this is, That it belongs to his Office, as a Church-man, and that he could not reprehend the Vices in 'em without reading the Books themselves, I must tell him, That St. _Cyprian_, nor the rest of the Fathers, did not allow that, neither do we find they did it themselves, for all their inveighing against the Stage; so that he makes his own Quotation altogether invalid, _He not being to do ill that good might come of it._

And therefore, why may not a Poet now, who, perhaps, is a greater Votary to St. _Cyprian_ in other Matters than the _Absolver_ is in this, rally him thus, and turn his Quotation upon himself, Phrase by Phrase? "What business has a Parson with such Books as these? A Parson who has not the liberty so much as to think of an ill thing? Why does he entertain himself with lewd Comedies? Has he a mind to discharge his Priestcraft, and flesh himself up for a Poet? Yes, this is the consequence, by using to see these _smutty_ things, he'll learn to write 'em. What need I mention the Sham-Oaths, and looseness of Farce, or the Fustian raving against the Gods in Tragedy, were these things really unconcern'd with Idolatry, a Parson, of all Mankind, should not be known to ogle them, for were they not highly Criminal, the foolery of them is Egregious, and unbecoming the gravity of all that thump the Cushion, or intend to thump a true Belief into the Pates of an incorrigible Congregation."

And now methinks I see the Spiritual Critick, with a certain sallow Male-contented Phiz, poring upon this Page, and sucking his Ring-finger, gives himself an unpleasurable minute to Judge whether I have paraphras'd right or no; well, all's one, fall back fall edge, I'm resolv'd to bait him with St. _Cyprian_ a little more. "A Parson has, or should have, much better Books than Plays to look in; he has many Authors of Pious and Solid Authorities to please, and improve himself with, at the same time. Would a Parson be agreeably refresh'd, let him read the Scriptures, let him find out Treatises of Morality, Meekness, Charity, and holy Life, there the Entertainment will suit his Character. Ah, Beloved, how noble, how moving, how profitable a pleasure would it be to us, to see a Parson thus employ'd, to let the Stage's diversions be too little for his grave Consideration, and be intent himself on the glories of Heaven!" And here now, I do not at all question but the _Absolver_, a little nettled at this last Parallel, will fall to biting of his fingers again, his Righteous Spirit being offended at my Insolence, in scribling the Word _Parson_ so oft, it being a Nickname, and only invented by some idle fellow, who resolv'd to use the Order with no more respect. Why truly, I confess, in this Case, Modesty is a little gravell'd, but then she may thank him for it, for he has dignify'd the Poets with so many _Hell-defying_, _deep-mouth'd Swearing_, _Relapsing_, _Witch-riding Titles_, that the worthy Ministry cannot reasonably be angry, especially when the Word is only meant to him, whom I shall prove has lessen'd the true Title, by his _Immorality_ and _Hypocrisie_, more than ever the Poets did the Reputation of the Stage, by their Time-serving Loosenesses and Licentious Diversions.

It is, no doubt, a considerable Maim to us, in some Peoples opinions, who never digested the benefits arising from the Stage in its Moral Representations, that this smarting Lash is given us by a Clergy-man of the Church of _England_, that is, good friends, if he be so, for some Judicious Heads are not resolv'd in that Affirmative--but let that be _discuss'd_ in another place, I'm sure, if he is, _Obedience to Government, in the first place, should be his principal Tenet_; and whether that is a part of the _Absolver_'s Character, I think has sufficiently appear'd. But let him be what he will, I shall now take the pleasure to inform those People, that but few years since, we had a Man of Wit and Learning, that wore the Gown, and as true a Son of the Church as she could possibly breed; that was intirely devoted a Champion in our Cause, and Asserted the Rights of the Stage with Success and Applause; and whoever will but look back a little, and incline his Eyes towards the delectable River _Cam_, may Encounter the fam'd Wit of that University, the Ingenious Mr. _Thomas Randolph_, who in one of his great many admirable Pieces, call'd the _Muses Looking-glass_, makes his whole Moral to be the Vindication of the Stage, and its usefulness, and by shewing the passions in their Kinds, contrives to confute some canting prejudic'd Zealots, whose ignorance and frenzy had conspir'd before to run it down; I will treat the Reader here with some of it.

A Country Lass, for such she was, tho here In th' City may be Sluts as well as there; Kept her hands clean, for those being always seen, Had told her else how sluttish she had been; Yet was her Face, as dirty as the Stall Of a Fish-monger, or a Usurer's Hall Begrim'd with filth, that you might boldly say, She was a true piece of _Prometheus_'s Clay. At last, within a Pail, for Country Lasses Have oft you know, no other Looking-glasses, She view'd her dirty Face, and doubtless would Have blush'd, if through so much dirt she could. At last, within that Water, that I say, That shew'd the Dirt, she wash'd the Dirt away. _So, Comedies, as Poets still intend 'em,_ _Serve first to shew your faults, and then to mend 'em._

[Footnote: _Muses Looking-Glass._]

Here was a pretty Compliment to our Art now, a good Moral with good Manners into the bargain; and yet 'tis certain the times then were as Licentious as now, and the Poets took as little care of their Writings; but Mr _Randolph_ always made his good Nature agree with his Wit, and put as favourable construction upon Scenes of Diversion, as reason would allow, tho he perhaps had as much occasion for 50 _l._ as the Absolver when he writ his Book. He knew that if there was so stupid a Temper, that the Moral of a Play could not reform, the looseness that was in it could not prejudice; nor if a wild Town-Fellow, or a baffl'd Bully, or passionate Lover, being characters in a Play, spoke some extravagances proper for 'em, would he roar it out for Blasphemy, Profaneness, &_c._ and make a malicious scrutiny, and unreasonable interpretation of words, which had no other intention but to make the Character natural by customary manner of Speech, as he has shewn examples by two of his own, in the extremes of Vain-glory and Hypocrisie: And yet this Gentleman was as Learned, as good a Critick, and as Consciencious a man, as our Absolver can pretend to be; and if I say, I had somewhat a better Title to Modesty and good Manners, I think it may be made out, he having a civil regard to the Poets, defended their Cause, and excus'd some failings for the sake of some other Merits, when this treats 'em all like fools, tho he has only rak'd up a few of their errors, which he has made a huge heap of Rubbish, by peering through his own Magnifying Glass, without any allowance to their qualifications, or any modest care to do 'em justice, which ought to have been one way as well as another.

So much then for his _Modesty_ in one of its kinds, which is decency of behaviour and expression; as for the other, he has plaid such a Game at Hide and Seek with us, that we have been long in a Mist, not knowing how to discover it: But the Air clears, and 'tis time for us now to take the right end of the perspective, tho he would give us the Wrong, and then try if we cannot discern, in the midst of his Garden of Divinity, a neat friend of his call'd Immorality, tho he would subtly insinuate him into the world as a stranger, leading his darling daughter dear Hypocrisie into an Arbor; where, after they had been some time alone, our Critick knowing how to be civil to his own creature, and to give 'em time enough to beget a right understanding, he is very glad at last to be a third in the company.

I should not have put him upon this warm Office, if I had not found him too hot and bold with our Famous Ancient Truth-telling Poet _Juvenal_, when in his Book he tells us, _he teaches those vices he would correct, and writes more like a Pimp than a Poet_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 70, 71.]--But upon just consideration, I believe if the Absolver taught the Art of Rebellion no more than _Juvenal_ the Art of Pimping, the one would be respected in after Ages, as much as we know the other has in the former: But every one is Fool or Knave that is not of this Gentlemans kidney. A little while after, at the usual rate of his own accustom'd civility, he falls upon the _Renown'd Shakespear_, and says, he is so guilty, that he is not fit to make an Evidence. [Footnote: Collier, p. 50.] Why now it 'twere possible for his Complexion to blush, there's ne're a Robe of any Friend Cardinal the Absolver has at _Rome_, that can be redder than his would be for such a Position: Nor does it end here, but is mixt with some more foolish and insolent Remarks in another place, upon the admirable Tragedy of _Hamlet_. And here he has no other way to shew his malice, but by ridiculously quibbling upon the prettiest Character in it, the innocent young Virgin _Ophelia_, who, because the Poet makes her run mad for the death of her Father, and loss of her Lover, and consequently makes her sing and speak some idle extravagant things, as on such an occasion is natural, and at last drown her self, he very masterly tells us, the Poet, _since he was resolv'd to drown her like a Kitten, should have set her a swimming a little sooner; to keep her alive, only to sully her Reputation, is very cruel_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 10.] Yes, but I would fain ask Doctor Absolution in what she has sullied her Reputation, I am sure five hundred Audiences that have view'd her could never find it out, tho he has; but the Absolver can't help being positive and partial to his own humour, tho he were to be hang'd, as the Lady was drown'd, for he is very angry in another place with the aforesaid Author, for making Sir _Hugh Evens_ in the Merry Wives of Windsor, a silly, eating, chattering _Welch_ Priest, but vindicates and speaks well, of Sir _John_, Parson of _Wrotham_, in the History of Sir _John Oldcastle_; [Footnote: Collier, p. 125.] tho he swears, games, wenches, pads, tilts and drinks, and does things which our Reformers Guts are ready to come up at another time, only, forsooth, because he is stout; but 'tis indeed only _because he is a Parson_, and sullen, which he thinks wise, for he cannot endure that Copyhold should be touch'd, as you may see more plainly a little further, where he says in _Loves Labour Lost_, the Curate plays the fool egregiously; and so does the Poet too: there he clenches the Nail, there he gives _Shakespear_ a bold stroke, there obstinacy and malice appear in true colours: And yet if a parcel of the ones Plays, were set up by way of Auction against t'others _Sermons and Essays_; nay, tho the Loyal and Politick _Desertion discussd_ was thrown in to boot, I know not what the Grave would do, but I am sure the Wise would quickly find difference. And yet to Remark him nicely, this humour of railing is only where the Poets do not suit with his design; for in another place you'll find this same _Shakespear_, that was before too guilty to make an Evidence, a very civil person now; for the Reformer is troubl'd with Fits, you must know, disturbances i th' brain, which makes him forget one hour what he rails at another, for here now _Shakespear_'s _Falstaff_ is call'd the admir'd, because he is to serve his turn. And that the Poet _was not so partial as to let his humour compound for his lewdness_; but punishes him at last, tho he makes him all his life time a damnable, _smutty_ fellow. [Footnote: ...54] And now, I think, having said enough of his modest behaviour, 'twon't be amiss to have a touch or two at his Hypocrisy. And first, concerning the word Smutt.

"Smutt, Smutt"! Why does this tarmagant Correcter of our Lives and Manners pretend to make us believe that his Mouth or Conscience is so streight, that the t'other word can't get passage, or did his Mistress (honourable I mean) sit knotting under his Nose when he was writing, and so gave occasion for the changing it instead of Bawdy, that that odious word might not offend her, tho the Phrase was made Nonsence by it--hum--No faith, the case seems to me now to be quite otherwise, and really the effect of downright _Hypocrisy_, unless done as I said for the last reason; for those that have read his Book, may find sprinkling up and down the other words extreamly plain upon occasion, _Ribaldry_ and _Bawdy_, and _Whores_, and _Whoring_, and _Strumpets_, and _Cuckoldmakers_, with as fat a signification as any of the last nam'd could wish for their hearts; for example, by way of Tract, first, he says, _Euripides_ in his _Hipolitus_, calls _Whoring_ stupidness and playing the fool; and secondly, does _Ribaldry_, (not Smut) and Nonsence become the dignity of their station. [Footnote: Collier, p 30, 32.] Again, _Berinthia_ incourages _Amanda_ to play the _Whore_; and then sowse upon _Don Quixot_, [Footnote: p. 74.] when there is not so much as one little tiny todpol of _Smut_, that I know of, unless he creates it--Yet I am Crambo'd with, _who, with low, nauseous Bawdry fills his Plays_. [Footnote: p. 208.] Again speaking of _Jupiter_ and _Alcmena_-- but her Lover--_that is her Whore-master_. [Footnote: p. 178.] And at last with a Rowzer upon Mr _Congreeve_'s _Double Dealer_, where he particularly Remarks, _that there are but four Ladies in his Play, and three of em are Whores_; adding, withal, that 'tis _a great Compliment to Quality, to tell em there is but a quarter of 'em honest_. [Footnote: p. 12.] Why who, in the name of _Diana_, and all the rest of the Maiden _Goddesses_, does tell 'em so, unless it be Doctor _Crambo_ here--If any one calls 'em _Whores_ 'tis he, he that by an assum'd Authority thinks he may say any thing; the Ladies, I dare say for the Poet, were drest in such clean Linnen, and were so far from being Tawdry, that no Scrutineer but our severe Master of Art but wou'd have thought Charitably of 'em. Well, but huge Rampant _Whores_ they must be with him tho, and through that very mouth that simper'd and primm'd before, as if such a filthy word cou'd not possibly break through: It comes out now in sound and emphasis, and the modest Pen is as prone and ready to write it. So that I once more affirm, that if it were not done in respect to his Lady, who, no doubt, peruses him extreamly, it must naturally be the effect of _Hypcrisie_, for, to be squeamish in one place and not in another is Ridiculous, especially when one word is Innocent in its kind, and makes the sense, and the other when us'd makes it wretched Affectation, and almost Nonsence.

Now if the _Absolver_ thought Affectation would appear a vertue in him, he ought to have squeamifyed the before-mention'd Ladies with some title that was new, and if _Smutt_ was chosen to be his fine darling word (and the course one of _Whores_ slipt out of his Mouth, or from his Pen, by misfortune or chance) he should, in my opinion, have given 'em the title of _Smutters_: a primming neat word extremely proper for the occasion: And I hope I shall live to see the Master of Art have Modesty enough to thank me for't; or else (for my fancy wou'd fain oblige him if it cou'd) to make it yet more _German_ to the matter, as _Shakespear_ has it, to call em _Colliers_ would be as significant as any thing; for there's allusion enough to _Smutt_, or the Devil's in't: For, to deal sincerely, and without _Hypocrisie_, I cannot imagine what this learned Gentleman can mean by all that Smutt, Smutt, when the other word is as decent and more significant, unless he banters, or dissembles, or fear'd the Ladies peeping, or is so full of his own name, that he goes along quibbling upon't through his Book, with design that way to make himself more famous.

In another part of his Treatise too I fancy I find the _Hypocrite_ a great deal more than the _Moralist_, and that is, in his kecking at a word in one place, and gobbling it up in another. To prove this, I find him very like a Ghostly Father of the old _Roman_ Kidney, condemning even to the Inquisition: One _Carlos_ in Mr _Dryden_'s _Love Triumphant_, for blundring out this _horrible Expression_, as he calls it, _Nature has given me my portion of Sense, with a Pox to her_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 82.] Now pray observe, the _Absolvers_ Stomach is so horribly squeamish, at this he belches, turns pale, and is so very sick, that a quartern of Cherry is administered in vain, to set him to rights; he prints instead of the word only a great P---- and tells the gentle Reader, (that he is intending to lead by the Nose) that the _Hellish syllable_ may be found there at length if he pleases. Would not any one think now, that did not know that the Small Pox is a common Disease, that this word had been _Blasphemy_ in the extremity, the renouncing the Deity, or something beyond pardon, and would not one lay a Scholars Egg against a Tost and Ale, that the Doctor would ne're be concern'd with it as long as he was able to eat or drink either of 'em. Why see now how an honest man may be cheated; do but turn to the one hundred seventy second page of his Book, and you will find this horrible, this hellish, syllable, in its Pontificallibus, at length, sitting almost a straddle upon the top of the Page, and us'd familiarly and friendly, without so much as once kacking at it, or one invective near it, tho the sense of the Curse is as broad as t'other, and has rather the worse signification. [Footnote: Collier, p. 172.]

And pray what can this be else but Hypocrisy; if the word were really terrifying and horrible to him, it would certainly be so in one place as well as another. No, no, these are only flights and amusements, tricks of his own studied Legerdemain, to make the bubbled ignorants believe him a Saint, and admire his Divinity, when, if they could dive to the bottom of the secret, 'tis solemnly believ'd by many of the dutiful Sons of the Church, that our Sham-reformer is a much fitter man to win Money by his skill at a game of Whisk and Swabbers, than as the case of Allegiance, and Morality, stand with him, to win Souls from Reprobation by the Integrity of his Principles.

I must treat ye with one instance more of his _Hypocrisie_, and then I pass on to another Head. This instance I find Mr _Vanbrook_ has taken particular notice of at the latter end of his Book, where, 'tis true, every one may see the _Absolvers_ Foible is very plain, but that Author has not made the Case parallel with the others Remark upon _Mr. Congreve_'s Comedy the _Old Batchelor_, which shews his contradiction of himself, and his fallacy undeniable, for there he seems to roar at young _Belmour_ for his forgetfulness of Religion, at a minute when he is desiring _Letitia to give him leave to swear by her Lips and Eyes_, when he is kissing and telling her, _Eternity was in that moment_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 63.] In short, when he has got her fast in his Arms, and intends to go through stitch with the matter; for which he calls the Lady Strumpet, and raves at the smuttiness of the Action; and yet, a little while after, in another page, rallies, jokes upon, and banters young _Worthy_ in the _Relapse_, for letting his Lady slip through his fingers, and calls him a _Town-Spark_, and a _Platonick Fool_ for't. [Footnote: Collier, p. 127.] Hey Jingo, here's Riddling for ye! what would this whimsical Gentleman be at? first he rails at a Lover for holding a pretty Woman fast, and then he jokes upon him for letting her go; this runs almost parallel with the Fable of the Satyr and the Traveller; but if the Doctor is observ'd to have the faculty of blowing hot and cold thus, I believe he may keep his breath either to cool his Porridge, or to warm his fingers, and be much better employ'd, than by using it to make any Proselytes to his Doctrine; and so much for this Head. Now let us try if we can scratch another, and find it out under his Night-cap of

_Immorality._