Part 9

Two gentlemen, remarkable for a nice appetite, were disputing at a coffee-house upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and were enumerating the different processes for bringing it to the table in the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer, of Drury-Lane Theatre, who was present, observed, that “of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak, he thought Shakespeare’s recipe to be the shortest and the best.” Upon being asked for an explanation, “Why, gentlemen,” said Wewitzer,

“If, when ’twere done, ’twere _well done_, Then ’twere well it were _done quickly_.”

WHAT DO YOU WAIT FOR?

An officer, who had lost an eye, supplied it with a glass one, which he always took out when he went to bed. Being in an inn, he took out his eye, and gave it to the wench who attended, desiring her to lay it on the table. The maid still waiting, and staring, he asked her, “What do you wait for?” “Only for the other eye, sir,” said she.

LIKE THE MINISTRY.

Lord North, exulting over Charles Fox, on the news, in an extraordinary gazette, of New York being conquered, the patriotic wit replied, “It is a mistake, sir; New York is not conquered; it is only like the ministry, _abandoned_!”

BON MOT OF A CLOWN, RELATED BY LORD SHAFTESBURY.

A clown once took a fancy to hear the Latin disputes of doctors at a university. He was asked what pleasure he could take in viewing such combatants, when he could never know so much as which of the parties had the better. “For that matter,” replied the clown, “I a’n’t such a fool neither, but I can see who’s the first that puts t’other in a passion.”

READY MONEY LEGACY.

An English stock-jobber, known for his unexampled parsimony, although possessed of an immense fortune, one day met a poor man, one of his own relations. “Come hither, George,” said the miser, “do you know I have just now made my will, and remembered you handsomely, my boy.” “God bless your honour,” said the grateful man, “you will be rewarded for so charitable an action, for you could not have thought of a more distressed family.” “Are you indeed so very poor, George?” “Sir, my family’s starving!” said the man, almost crying. “Harkye, then, George, if you will allow me a good _discount_, I will pay your legacy immediately.” We need not add, that the terms were accepted of, and that they parted equally pleased with the bargain they had concluded.

A BONNE BOUCHE.

An elderly lady, on a visit at Margate, went into the market, having made up her mind to buy a goose. There were but two in the market, both in custody of a little cherry-cheek’d lass from Birchington, who, to the surprise of her customer, positively refused to sell one without the other. Recollecting that a neighbour had also expressed a wish for one, the lady was, without much difficulty, prevailed on to take both. When the bargain was concluded, however, she thought proper to inquire of the vender, why she had so peremptorily declined selling them separately? “If you please, my lady,” was the _naïve_ answer, “Mother said as how the geese had lived together _fifteen years_, and it would be cruel to part them.”

EQUITY.

A gentleman, resident at Harrow, made frequent complaints to the masters of the great school there, of his garden being stripped of its fruit, even before it became ripe--but to no purpose. Tired of applying to the masters for redress, he at length appealed to the boys, and, sending for one to his house, he said, “Now, my good fellow, I’ll make this agreement with you and your companions: let the fruit remain on the trees till it becomes ripe, and I promise to give you half.” The boy coolly replied, “I can say nothing to the proposition, sir, myself, but will make it known to the rest of the boys, and inform you of their decision to-morrow.” To-morrow came, and brought with it this reply: “The gentlemen of Harrow cannot agree to receive so _unequal_ a share, since Mr. ---- is an individual, and we are many.”

RESULT OF A QUARREL.

A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived almost out of breath, and snatching the book out of the curate’s hand, with great scorn, cried, “_You_ the resurrection? _I_ am the resurrection:” and then went on.

WELSH GENEALOGIES.

Sir Watkins William Wynne, talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom. “Ay,” said he, “how so, pray?” “Why,” replied the other, “when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shewn to me; it filled above five large skins of parchment, and about the middle of it was a note in the margin:--_About this time the world was created_.”

A TAR’S EXPEDIENT.

Sir John Jervis’s crew had been paid off at Plymouth, and the ship put in dock; but immediately after, the Admiral received an order to refit for sea. Walking one day in the neighbourhood of Plymouth, he encountered a sailor with a lass under his arm, and a dog running before him, with a watch round his neck. Jack saluted his commander, and made Poll and the dog do the same. Sir John then asked him if he would go to sea with him again, stating the orders he had received. Jack inquired the period Sir John was given to refit. “Only a fortnight,” was the answer. “That’s unfortunate,” said Jack, “for I’ve been kalkylating, your honour, that, with Poll, and the dog, and the watch, my money will jist last me a month; howsomever, I can do this ’ere, your honour--(_aside_)--I can keep two marms, two dogs, and two watches; and then I shall have unloaded the shiners in a fortnight, sure enough!”

NO DEEP PLAY.

Lord O----, saying that he made a point of never playing beyond the line of his own understanding “Now, my lord,” said the Countess of Buckinghamshire, “I see the reason you never play deep.”

PHILOLOGY.

A gentleman passing the shop of Mr. Haswell, tea-dealer, observed his name would be _as well_ without an _H_.

JOHNSON AND ROUSSEAU.

When Dr. Johnson was told that Rousseau’s Confessions would contain every motive that had induced him to act in every situation; “Then,” replied he, “if he was an _honest man_, his book will not be worth a farthing.”

GOOD ADVERTISEMENT.

Stephen Kemble happening to pass through Newport Market, the butchers set up their usual cry of “What d’ye buy? What d’ye buy?” Stephen parried this for some time, by saying, he did not want any thing. At last, a butcher started from his stall and eyeing Stephen’s figure from top to bottom, which certainly did not indicate that he fed on air, exclaimed, “Well, sir, though you do not now want any thing, only _say_ you buy your meat of me, and you will make my fortune.”

ANECDOTE OF GEORGE III.

An Irish conjuror and ventriloquist, of the name of Ray, but who called himself “Le Sieur Ray,” to blarney his countrymen (though he spoke a brogue thick enough to have cut with a knife, as Bowles used to say), exhibiting before their majesties, refused to perform his grand deception till the queen said _cockalorum_, in which he pretended the charm consisted. Her majesty thought the word either difficult or indelicate, and declined; but the king was so bent upon the great astonishment, that he turned round to her good-naturedly and said,--“Say cockalorum, Charlotte--say cockalorum.”

FELLOW FEELING.

Dr. A----, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the fellow’s misconduct, as to raise his choler, and draw from him this expression:--“Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have covered so many blunders of yours_.”

STRIKING ANALOGY.

Bate Dudley had been telling a story to the Anacreontic Club, which he purported to be entirely new, and which caused a great deal of laughter. Hewardine then observed, that the anecdote related by Mr. Dudley put him in mind of another nearly as facetious. He then repeated some venerable affair, which, whatever was its point, bore no more resemblance to Dudley’s, than a white egg to a black hen. When it was concluded, Dudley turned to Hewardine with a stare of surprise, and observed, “That was a very humorous circumstance; but I can’t see how my anecdote could remind you of it!” “No!” said Tom. “Why, I’ll tell you,--your story is at the top of the leaf, page 17, Miller’s old edition, and mine follows at the bottom!”

EVERY THING SHOULD STAND ON ITS OWN BOTTOM.

A sailor passing by a cooper’s shop, and seeing a number of tubs piled above each other at the door, began to kick and tumble them about the street. The master coming out, and desiring to know the reason of this strange proceeding, “D--n it,” replied Jack, “why should not every tub stand upon its own bottom?”

A FAMILY PIECE.

Mr. Fox having applied to a shopkeeper in Westminster for his vote and interest, the man produced a halter, with which he said he was ready to oblige him. The orator immediately replied, “I return you thanks, my friend, for your very polite offer; but I should be sorry to deprive you of so valuable a family piece.”

RETRACTATION.

Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one of them said, “There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw.” She hearing, turned round, and observing him to be very ugly, answered, “I wish, sir, I could, in return, say as much of you.” “So you may, madam,” said he, “and lie as I did.”

THE GOOD OLD “LAPSUS LINGUÆ.”

A gentleman’s servant bringing into the dining-room, where the company were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, tripped as he entered the door, and spread the tongue and sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with much presence of mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests as well as of the servant by saying, with great good humour, “There’s no harm done, gentlemen, ’tis merely a _lapsus linguæ_.” This fortunate play of words excited much merriment. A very sagacious gentleman, struck with the happy effect of the above accident, was determined to make a similar exhibition. He invited a large party, and when they were all assembled, he had directed his servant to let fall a piece of roast beef on the floor: the servant obeyed his injunctions; but the company felt hurt at the accident. “Be not uneasy, my friends,” cried the would-be witty landlord, “’tis only a _lapsus linguæ_.”

WIT IN TECHNICALS.

A clergyman preaching in the neighbourhood of Wapping, and observing that most of his audience were in the sea-faring way, very properly embellished his discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other things, he advised them to be ever “on the watch, so that on whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, he might be crippled in the action.” “Ay, master,” cried a jolly son of Neptune, “but let me tell you, that will depend on your having the weather-gauge of him.”

THE FAST-DAY.

A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in the West of England, in order to encourage his work people in a due attendance at church on a Fast-day, told them, that if they went to church they would receive their wages for that day, in the same manner as if they had been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to acquaint their employer, that “if he would pay them for _over hours_, they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in the evening!”

A FRIEND IN NEED.

A scholar declaiming in the college-hall, and having a bad memory, was at a stand, when, in a low voice, he desired one who stood close by him to help him out. “No,” says the other, “methinks you are out enough already.”

TILLOTSON.

It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson, when King William III. complained of the shortness of his sermon, “Sire,” said the archbishop, “could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long.”

NATIONALITY.

Frederick of Prussia, at a review of his tall grenadiers, asked Sir Robert Sutton, the British ambassador, if he could say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them. “No, sir,” answered Sir Robert, “I won’t pretend to say that; but I believe half the number would try!”

SOOT AND RELIGION.

A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat. “So, John,” said the doctor, “whence come you?” “From your house, sir, where this morning I swept all your chimneys.” “How many were there?” said the doctor. “No less than twenty,” quoth John. “Well, and how much a-chimney have you!” “Only a shilling a-piece, sir.” “Why then,” quoth the doctor, “you have earned a great deal of money in a little time.” “Yes, yes,” says John, throwing his bag over his shoulder, “we _black coats_ get our money easy enough.”

ANECDOTE OF GEORGE II.

When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to George II. as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of the office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? “With the devil’s!” replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. “And shall the instrument,” said the earl, coolly, “run as usual, ‘our trusty well-beloved cousin and counsellor?’”--a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

LATIN FOR COLD.

A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, in a cold winter morning, what was Latin for _cold_. The boy hesitating a little, the master said, “What, sirrah, can’t you tell?” “Yes, sir,” said the boy, “I have it at my _finger ends_.”

WIT IN A HOBNAIL.

A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat. The parson asked in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? “The same people,” said the shepherd, “that clothe you--the parish.” The parson, nettled a little, rode on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him? for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s message, concluding, that his master really wanted a fool. “Are you going away, then?” said the shepherd. “No,” answered the other. “Then you may tell your master,” replied the shepherd, “his living won’t maintain _three_ of us.”

YORKSHIRE.

Two Oxford scholars, meeting on the road with a Yorkshire hostler, fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. “Well,” said the hostler, “and I can prove your saddle to be a mule.” “A mule!” cried one of them, “how can that be?” “Because,” said the hostler, “it is something between a horse and an ass.”

WIT IN AN EXECUTIONER.

A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going, “I will trouble you with _a line_,” replied the finisher of the law, placing the cord under his left ear.

EARLY RISING.

A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man being up betimes found a purse of gold. “It might be so,” replied the son, “but he that _lost it was up before him_.”

THE BENEVOLENT WIDOW.

There was a very benevolent widow living in Plymouth, in respectable circumstances, who frequently came to the theatre, and was kind enough to inquire into the private situations of various members of the company. Among others, she asked about Prigmore, and was told that he had but a small salary, and made a very poor appearance. Hearing this, she remembered that she had a pair of her late husband’s indispensables in the house, which she resolved to offer him. A servant was, accordingly, despatched to the object of her charity, who, meeting one of the actors, and partly disclosing her business, he went in search of Prigmore, and finding him, exclaimed, “Prigmore, my boy, here’s your fortune made at last; here’s a rich widow in the town has fallen in love with you, and wants to see you.” Prigmore, not suspecting his roguery, was led to the servant, in a state of bewildered rapture, and by the latter was informed that the widow would be glad to see him any morning it was convenient. He appointed the following, and went home to his lodgings to indulge in a day-dream of golden independence. His friend, in the meantime, whispered the truth through the green-room, where there were two or three others wicked enough to join in the conspiracy, by walking to Prigmore’s house to tender their congratulations. Prigmore, as will be supposed, passed a sleepless night, and spent an extra hour at his toilet the next morning, in adorning himself with a clean chin and neckcloth. He then sallied forth, and, on reaching the widow’s was shown into her parlour, where, casting his eyes around on the substantial sufficiency of its furniture, he began to felicitate himself on the aspect of his future home. The lady at length appeared: she was upon the verge of forty--a very fashionable age at that time, which resting upon the shoulders of a very comely-looking woman, seemed to be in character with her very comfortable dwelling. Prigmore’s satisfaction and her benevolence operated equally in producing some confusion: at length a conversation commenced. She acquainted him that she had heard his situation was not so agreeable as he could wish--that his income was a confined one; she was, therefore, desirous to do him all the service that lay in her power. Prigmore, considering this an express declaration of her affection, was about to throw himself at her feet, when she suddenly summoned the servant, and exclaimed, “Rachel, bring the breeches?” These words astounded him, and he stared in her face like a block of marble; the widow, as suspicionless as himself of the hoax, could not interpret his wonder; but, on receiving the habiliments, folded them carefully up, and remarking that they were as good as new (her husband having caught his fatal cold in them the first time he put them on), begged Prigmore’s acceptance of the same. “And was it for this you wanted me, madam?” exclaimed Prigmore, rising from his chair; his tone and countenance bespeaking a mixture of surprise and disappointment. “Yes, sir.” He put on his hat, and walked to the door in silent indignation. The good woman, as much astonished as himself, followed him and said, “Won’t you take the breeches, sir?” “No, madam,” he replied, pausing at the door to make some bitter remark; “Wear them yourself!” For the remainder of the season, his life was far from being enviable.[G]

CANDOUR.

Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down with him. “I really know not,” said the parson, “how to refuse your lordship; yet, if the young gentleman preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, I don’t think he is fit to preach at all.”

REWARD OF POLYGAMY.

A man having been accused of marrying five wives, was committed to prison; and being asked by the judge on his trial, how he came to take so many wives, he replied, “In order, if possible, to find one good one, and then stick to her.” “Oh! oh!” said the judge, “as you cannot find a good wife in this world, you may probably succeed better in the next; so get you gone thither;” and immediately signed the warrant for his execution.

COATS AND ARMS.

A gentleman having called a ticket porter to carry a message, asked his name; he said it was Russel. “And pray,” said the gentleman, jocularly, “is your coat of arms the same as the Duke of Bedford’s?” “As to our _arms_, your honour,” says the porter, “I believe they are much alike; but there is a great difference between our _coats_.”

LORD HOWE.

When Lord Howe was captain of the _Magnanime_, a negro sailor on board was ordered to be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the ship’s company assembled to see the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made a long address to the culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue and of having his back exposed to the cold, exclaimed, “Massa, if you floggee, floggee; or, if you preachee, preachee; but no preachee and floggee too.”

DR. EGERTON.

Dr. Egerton, bishop of Durham, on coming to that see, employed a person of the name of Due as his agent to find out the true value of the estates held by lease under him, and, in consequence of Due’s report, greatly raised both the fines and rents of the tenants; on which the following toast was frequently drunk in the bishopric:--“May the _Lord_ take the _Bishop_, and the _Devil_ have his _Due_!”

RIGHT CONJECTURE.

A buck parson going to read prayers at a village in the west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the surplice. “D--n this surplice!” said he to the clerk, “I think the devil is in it.” Amen, astonished, waited till the parson had got it on, and then answered, “I thinks as how he is, zur.”

WALKING BY FAITH.

A person saying that he would not believe there was any devil, because he had never _seen_ him, was answered by another, “By the same rule, I should believe you to have neither _wit_ nor _sense_.”

ELWES THE MISER.

The eldest son of Elwes, the celebrated miser, having fallen down with a ladder, when pulling some grapes, had the precaution to go into the village to the barber and get blooded. On his return he was asked where he had been, and what was the matter with his arm? He told his father what had happened, and that he had got bled. “Bled!” said the old gentleman; “but what did you give?” “A shilling,” answered the boy. “Psha!” returned the father, “you are a blockhead; never part with your _blood_.”

Elwes had two country seats, the one in Suffolk, and the other in Berkshire; of these he gave the preference to the former, because his journey from town thither cost him only twopence-halfpenny; that into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. At this time he was worth eight hundred thousand pounds.

CAUSE AND EFFECT.

Two gentleman happening to meet, the one observed, “So our friend ----, the attorney, is dead.” “Yes, and I hear he left very few _effects_.” “It could not be otherwise: he had very few _causes_.”

NOT A BAD HIT.

A gentleman expatiated on the justice and propriety of an _hereditary_ nobility. “Is it not right,” said he, “in order to hand down to posterity the virtues of those men who have been eminent for their services to the country, that their posterity should enjoy the honours conferred on them as a reward for such services?” “By the same rule,” said a lady, “if a man is _hanged_ for his misdeeds, _all his posterity should be hanged too_.”

CUTTING BOTH WAYS.

Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, “I’ll be _hanged_ if it do not prove serviceable.” Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, “Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service the one way or the other.”

DUKE OF NEWCASTLE.

A poor fellow having with difficulty procured an audience of the premier Duke of Newcastle, told his grace he came only to solicit him for somewhat towards a support, and as they were of the same family, _being both descended from Adam_, hoped he should not be refused. “Surely not,” said the duke; “surely not; there’s a penny for you; and if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you’ll be a richer man than I am.”

A DISCONSOLATE HOUSE.