Part 7

“Pray, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur,” said the late King of France one day at his levee, “what do you take to be the difference between a Whig and a Tory?” “Please your majesty,” was the reply, “I conceive the difference to be merely nominal; the Tories are Whigs when they want places, and the Whigs are Tories when they have got them.”

THE PRETENDER’S HEALTH.

There was not much wit, but there was some good humour in the reply George II. made to a lady, who, at the first masquerade his majesty was at in England, invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of the _beaufetes_. With this he readily complied, and the lady filling a bumper, said, “Here, mask, the Pretender’s health;” then filling another glass, presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, “I drink with all my heart to the health of all unfortunate princes.”

NO PAY NO PRAY.

When Jonas Hanway once advertised for a coachman he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon; “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayer; to this, I suppose, you can have no objection?” “Why, as to that, sir,” replied the fellow, “I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.”

A COBBLER’S END.

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!” replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”

MORE THAN I CAN SWALLOW.

An illustrious person told Mr. D----, of C----, that he had drunk two bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D----, “is more than I can _swallow_;” and if the wit was relished, it was never forgiven.

GIVING UP THE GHOST.

A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not satisfied, I must _give up the Ghost_.”

A DEAR WIFE, INDEED.

A gentleman just married telling Foote he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his _dear wife_. “She is truly your _dear_ wife,” replied the wit.

NO VOICE IN THE CITY.

A gentleman passing the evening among some friends in the city, was requested, in his turn, to favour the company with a song; he politely declined it, alleging that he was so indifferent a performer, that any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said, he had frequently had the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,” resumed the other, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city.”

SUCH SPARKS AS YOU.

As Lady B---- L---- was presiding one evening at the tea-table, one of her ruffles caught the flame of the tea-lamp, and was burned before it could be extinguished. Lord M----, who was of the party, and thought to be witty on the accident, remarked, “He did not think her ladyship so apt _to take fire._” “Nor am I, my lord,” replied she with great readiness, “from _such sparks_ as you.”

LORD TOWNSEND.

At the battle of Dettingen, as Lord Townsend, then a young man, was marching down pretty close to the enemy, he was observed to be so very thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle) as to take no notice of a drummer’s head that was shot off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him the best way in these cases was not to think at all. “Oh! dear sir,” says the other, with great presence mind, “you entirely mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a _quantity of brains_.”

ACTOR OF ONE PART.

A little after Lord Chatham (then Mr. Pitt) had _changed_ his _political sentiments_ in regard to the protection of Hanover, in the course of replying one day in the house of Commons to Sir Francis Blake Delaval, he threw out some sarcastical reflections on him for appearing on the stage; upon which the other got up and acknowledged it was true; youth and whim led him once to amuse himself that way; but he could safely lay his hand on his heart and say, “_He never acted but one part_.”

SHERIDAN AND THE PLAY-WRITER.

During Sheridan’s management of Drury Lane, an author[E] had produced a play which he offered to Covent Carden, saying, that it would make Drury Lane a _splendid desert_. His play failed; but, soon after, he prevailed on a friend to present a new one to Sheridan. “No! No!” exclaimed the latter, “I can’t agree to connive at putting his former threat into effect.”

THE ESQUIMAUX WOMAN.

Major Cartwright used to relate many curious particulars of this woman; among others, that on being shewn the interior of St. Paul’s, she was so struck with astonishment and awe, that her knees shook under her, and she leaned for support on the person who stood next to her. After a pause of some moments, she exclaimed, in a low and tremulous voice, “Did man make it, or was it found here?”

A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF ORDER.

A gentleman, remarkable for having a great deal of lead in his forehead, called one morning on a counsellor, who had asked what news? “Why,” says the other, “I do not know; my head is confoundedly _out of order_ this morning.” “That is extraordinary news, indeed,” says the counsellor. “What! an extraordinary thing for a man to have the headache!” ”No, sir,” says he, “I do not say that; but for so _simple a machine to be out of order_ is extraordinary indeed!”

JOHNSON AND THE CARCASS BUTCHER.

An eminent carcass butcher, equally as meagre in his person as he was in his understanding, being one day in a bookseller’s shop where Doctor Johnson was, took up a volume of poems, and, by way of shewing his taste, repeated with great affectation the following line:--

“Who rules o’er freemen, should himself be free.” “There is poetry for you, doctor, what do you think of that?” “Rank nonsense, sir,” says the other; “it is an assertion without a proof; and _you_ might, with as much propriety, say,--

‘Who slays fat oxen, should himself be fat.’”

QUID RIDES?

A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “Quid rides?” Two sailors, who had frequented his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating it as two English words, _Quid rides_.

TOASTING CLOTH.

A child having got a flannel cloth to dry, while his mother was busied otherwise, held it so close to the fire that it soon began to change colour. “Mamma,” he cried, “is it enough when it looks brown?”

ETYMOLOGISTS.

Dr. Parr being asked who was his immediate predecessor in the mastership of the free school at Norwich, replied, “It was Barnabas Leman, an honest man, but without learning, and very tyrannical in his discipline. This man had the impudence to publish, by a half-guinea subscription, what he called an ‘English Derivative Dictionary,’ in quarto. He pretended to find a derivation for every word in Saxon, German, Dutch, Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. No matter what the word was, whether culinary or vernacular, he undertook to find its etymology. Coming to ‘pig’s pettytoes’ (a Norfolk way of dressing the feet of sucking pigs), he was a little puzzled, but it did not stop him; so he wrote, as it now stands in the book, ‘Pig’s petty-toes--a dish of which the author of this Dictionary is very fond.’”

There lately resided in an Ayrshire village, a man who, like Leman, proposed to write an Etymological Dictionary of the English language. Being asked what he understood the word _pathology_ to mean, he answered, with great readiness and confidence, “Why, the art of _road-making_, to be sure.”

MR. ABERNETHY.

A lady, very much afflicted with nervous complaints, went to consult the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy. The rough and caustic manner in which he catechised her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits, that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting, she put the usual fee into his hand, in the form of a one pound note and a shilling. Mr. Abernethy pocketed the note with one hand, and with the other presented the shilling to her, saying, gravely, “Here, madam, take the shilling; go to the next toy-shop, buy a skipping-rope, and use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions!”

INESTIMABLE VALUE OF A TAIL.

A monkey-faced fellow offered himself to Garrick as an actor. “It will not do,” says Garrick; “but if you had a tail, no money should part us.”

TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

One meeting an acquaintance, who was a printer by profession, inquired of him, “If it was true Mr.---- had put a period to his existence?” “No, no,” replied the typographer, “he had only put a colon, for he is now in a fair way of recovery.”

STOCK-JOBBERS.

A carpenter in Dorsetshire was employed to make a pair of stocks for the parish, for which he charged a good round sum. One of the parochial officers said, “You have made a good deal by that job.” “Yes,” said Master Chip, “we stock-jobbers always attend to our own interest.”

COURAGE.

A man, in the habit of travelling, complaining to his friend that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad, was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. “Oh! that would be worse,” replied the hero, “the thieves would rob me of them also.”

GAME.

Lee Lewis, shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: “I allow no person,” said he, “to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again.” “What,” said the other, “I suppose you mean to make game of me.”

SHORT DAYS AND LONG NIGHTS.

Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality; which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation having waited on him before he had arisen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence, which she concluded by saying, “Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll _shorten your days_.” “Very true, madam,” replied he, “but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall _lengthen my nights_.”

DR. PARR.

Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his expressions, when heated by argument or contradiction. He once called a clergyman _a fool_, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. “Do,” said the doctor, “and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you.”

A FAULT IN CANDLES.

Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. “Why,” says Ralph, “they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any _longer_.”

BEST BODY OF DIVINITY.

Parker, Bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaintance what was the best body of divinity, answered, “That which can help a man to keep a coach and six horses.”

RECEIVER AS BAD AS THE THIEF.

The motto which was inserted under the arms of William Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, “Non rapui sed recepi.”

“I did not steal, but I received.”

This being shewn to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, “The receiver’s as bad as the thief.”

JUSTICE.

A French nobleman, who had been satirized by Voltaire, meeting the poet soon after, gave him a hearty drubbing. The poet immediately flew to the Duke of Orleans, told him how he had been used, and begged he would do him justice. “Sir,” replied the duke, with a significant smile, “it has been done you already!”

A NEW CHARACTER.

A late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night he asked Foote what new character he should go in. “Go _sober_!” said Foote.

THE TRAGIC BARBER.

A hair-dresser, in a considerable town, made an unsuccessful attempt in tragedy. To silence an abundant hissing he stepped forward and delivered the following speech: “Ladies and gentlemen: yesterday I _dressed_ you; to-night I AD_dress_ you; and to-morrow, if you please, I will RE_dress_ you. While there is virtue in powder, pomatum, and horse-tails, I find it easier to make an actor than to be one. _Vive la bagatelle!_ I hope I shall yet shine in the part of a beau, though I have not the felicity of pleasing you in the character of an emperor.”

JOHN TAYLOR.

This author had the merit of interrupting the servile etiquette of kneeling to the king. “I myself,” says the water poet, “gave a book to King James once, in the great chamber at Whitehall, as his majesty came from the chapel. The Duke of Richmond said merrily to me:--‘Taylor, where did you learn the manners to give the king a book and not kneel?’ ‘My lord,’ said I, ‘if it please your grace, I do give now; but when I beg anything, then I will kneel.’”

SAILOR’S OPINION OF PRAYING.

Two boys, belonging to the chaplains of two different men-of-war, entertaining each other with an account of their respective manners of living, “How often, Jack,” says one of them, “do you go to prayers?” “We only pray,” replied Jack, “when we are afraid of a storm, or are going to fight.” “Ay,” says the former, “there’s some sense in that; but my master makes us go to prayers when there’s no more occasion for it than for me to jump into the sea.”

A TRIFLER.

“I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong,” exclaimed a dull and warm orator, to the president Montesquieu, in an argument. “I accept it,” replied the philosopher: “any trifle among friends has a value.”

MILITARY ZEAL.

One of the king’s soldiers, in the Civil War, being full of zeal and liquor, staggered against a church; and, clapping the wall of it repeatedly with his hand, hiccupped out,--“D--n you, you old b--h, I’ll stand by you to the last!”

SAVING ONE’S BACON.

A boy, who had not returned after the holidays to Winchester school, which the master charged him to do, came back at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, “You may give my compliments to your mother for the ham, but I assure you it shall not save your bacon.”

BUILDING CASTLES IN THE AIR.

During the Civil War, some persons of the royal party having mixed with the republicans in company, were talking of their future hopes. “’Tis all building castles in the air,” observed a surly republican. “Where can we build them else?” replied a cavalier; “you have robbed us of every inch of land.”

SOCIABLE AND SULKY.

A coachmaker remarking the fashionable stages or carriages, said, “That a sociable was all the ton during the honey-moon, and a sulky after.”

STOREY RAISED.

Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, at Millbank, “that the house had sunk a _storey_.” “No, friend,” said he; “I rather believe it is a _storey_ raised.”

GRENADIER TOO DEEP.

During a retreat in the unfortunate Dutch campaign, when the army was flouncing through the mud, in a part of the road uncommonly bad, a company of the guards was much scattered: the commanding officer called out to the men to form _two deep_. “D--me!” shouts a grenadier, from between two mountains of mud; “I am _too deep_ already.”

POLITENESS.

An officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him. “You see,” said he, “that a man never loses by politeness.”

WESTMINSTER ELECTION.

During the poll for the Westminster election between Mr. Fox, Lord Hood, and Sir Cecil Wray, a dead cat was thrown on the hustings; one of the adherents of the latter observed it stunk worse than a fox. “No wonder,” said Mr. Fox, “considering it is a _Poll cat_.”

FOOTE.

When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle; and when Partridge produced the bill, which was rather exorbitant, Foote asked him his name. “Partridge, an’t please you,” said he. “Partridge!” returned Foote; “it should be Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_.”

FUNERAL SERVICE.

A ludicrous mistake happened at a funeral in Mary-le-bone. The clergyman had got on with the service, until he came to that part which says, “Our deceased brother, or sister,” without knowing whether the deceased was male or female. He turned to one of the mourners, and asked, whether it was a brother or sister? The man very innocently replied, “No relation at all, sir; only an acquaintance.”

PAINTER, POTS, AND ALL.

A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the _painter_ (the rope which makes fast the boat). The boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out, “D--n your eyes, you lazy dog, why don’t you let go the painter?” The boy replied, “He’s gone, sir, pots and all.”

JUDGE BURNET.

Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by his father in a very serious humour, “What is the matter with you, Tom,” said the Bishop; “what are you ruminating on?” “A greater work than your lordship’s History of the Reformation,” answered the son. “Ay! what is that?” asked the father. “The _reformation of myself_, my lord,” replied the son.

UNIVERSITY PUN.

Dr. E----, recovered from some consumptive disorders, by the use of egg diet, soon after married. W----, the master of University College, Oxford, went to Dr. L----, then sick in bed, and resolved to discharge a pun which he had made. “Well, sir,” said he, “Dr. E---- has been _egged_ on to matrimony.” “Has he so?” said L----; “why, then, I hope the _yoke_ will sit easy.”

DROPPING A FEE.

A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised; and, looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. “I believe, madam,” said he, “I have dropt a guinea.” “No, sir,” replied the lady; “it is I that have dropt it.”

SAILOR AND STAGE COACH.

An honest tar wishing to be coached up to town from Deptford, thought it a very unbecoming thing in him, who had just been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to himself; so he took all the places, and seated himself upon the top. The coach was about to set off, when a gentleman appeared, who was holding an altercation with the coachman about the absurdity of his insisting that the seats were all taken and not a person in the coach. Jack, overhearing high words, thought, as he had paid full freight, he had a right to interfere, and inquired what was the matter? when, being told that the gentleman was much disappointed at not getting a seat, he replied, “You lubber, stow him away in the hold; but I’ll be d----d if he come upon deck.”

WIT INCURABLE.

A facetious character, whose talents for humour in private companies were the cause of his being always a guest in convivial societies, had, by late hours and attachment to the bottle, brought himself into a dropsy: insomuch, that the faculty, one and all, agreed nothing could save him but tapping. After much persuasion, he consented to the operation, and his surgeon and assistants arrived with the necessary apparatus. Bob was got out of bed, and the operator was on the point of introducing the trocar into the abdomen, when, as if suddenly recollecting himself, he bid the doctor stop. “What! are you afraid?” cried the surgeon. “No,” says the other; “but, upon recollection, it will not be proper to be tapped here; for nothing that has been _tapped_ in this house ever lasted long.”

BLACK GUARDS.

A punster, on hearing that the clergy were about to embody themselves for the defence of their country, after making some observations on their sable attire, and how ill the sword would become it, exclaimed, “Oh! England, unhappy England! to what a condition are we reduced, when we are to be indebted for the defence of our rights and interests to a band of _black guards_!”

THAT’S MY THUNDER.

Dennis, the critic, was the author of a tragedy acted at Drury Lane, in 1709, called Appius and Virginia. For the advantage of his play, Mr. Dennis had invented a new kind of thunder, which the actors much approved of, and is the same made use of at the theatre to this day. Notwithstanding this aid, the tragedy failed. Some nights after, the author being in the pit at the representation of Macbeth, and hearing the thunder made use of, he arose in a rage, and exclaimed, “By G--d, that’s my thunder! See how these rascals use me; they will not let my play run, and yet they steal my thunder.”

STREET SWEEPER.

A gentleman, crossing the Strand, was applied to by a man, who sweeps the cross-ways, for charity. The gentleman replied, “I am going a little farther, and will remember you when I return.” “Please your honour,” says the man, “it is unknown the credit I give in this way.”

A STANDING JOKE.

Munden, when confined to his bed, and unable to put his feet to the ground, being told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was the laugh of the green-room, pleasantly replied, “Though I love to make others laugh, yet I wish much rather they would make me a standing joke.”

SIMPLE PRESCRIPTION.

A patient of some distinction, who was teazing Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and who had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him that he frequently had an itching, and begged to know what he should do. “Scratch yourself, sir,” replied Peter; which laconic advice lost him his patient.

TWO OF US.

“Sirrah,” said a justice to one brought before him, “you are an arrant knave.” “Am I, sir?” says the prisoner; “just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.”

NOT HALF WAY TO THE BOTTOM.

A gentleman riding down a steep hill, and fearing the foot of it was unsound, called out to a clown who was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. “Ay,” answered the countryman, “it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant you.” But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle-girths, which made the gentleman whip, spur, and swear. “Why, thou rascal!” said he, “didst thou not tell me it was hard at the bottom?” “Ay,” replied the fellow, “but you are not half way to the bottom yet.”

SHARP REPARTEE.

A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, “Well, honest fellow,” said he, “’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.” To which the countryman replied, “’Tis very like you may, for I am sowing hemp.”

GARRICK.

Garrick and Rigby, walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the road-side the following strange inscription: “A goes koored hear.” “Heavenly powers!” said Rigby, “how is it possible that such people as these can cure agues?” “I do not know,” replied Garrick, “what their prescription is; but I am certain it is not by a spell.”

REASON FOR WEEPING.

A gentleman, taking an apartment, told the landlady, “I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears.” She answered, “I hope it was not, sir, because you went away without paying.”

DRUNKEN LEGS.