Part 16

An old gentleman having fallen sound asleep at the fireside was awakened suddenly by the clatter of the fire-irons all tumbling down, and immediately exclaimed, “What! going to bed without one kiss,” thinking it was the children.

THE POOR AUTHOR AND HIS PUBLISHER.

A poor author received an account from his publisher among the items of which was, “Cellarage, £3 10_s._ 6_d._” He naturally concluded that this was a charge for the trouble of selling the 700 copies which formed the edition, but on further enquiry learned that it was the charge for _cellar_-room, as not a copy had stirred from thence.

DONELLY, THE CHAMPION.

Donelly, the famous Irish champion, had a great fight on at the Curragh. Miss Kelly, a young lady of fine behaviour, had followed him thither, and had wagered her gold watch and chain and her coach and four that he would win. At one time Donelly was getting the worst of it when she exclaimed, “Oh, Donelly, would you have me go back on foot and not know the hour?” on which he rallied and won.

NOVEL WAY TO AVOID PAYING A DEBT.

During the French war, Mr. Pitt was informed by a person named Forth that there were two persons on their way from the north of Europe to assassinate him. Measures were accordingly taken to track their progress, they were seized at Brussells and lay in confinement there for a long time. It afterwards came to be known that instead of being assassins, they were creditors of Forth’s, who were on their way to have him arrested for a large sum, and he took this method to get quit of them.

PAGANINI.

Tom Moore who was present at an opera in London where Paganini performed, writes thus:--“Paganini abuses his powers; he _could_ play divinely, and does sometimes, for a minute or two, but then comes his surprises and his tricks, his bow in convulsions, and his inharmonics like the mewlings of an expiring cat.”

EPITAPH.

Lord Ashburnham was accustomed to quote the following epitaph which he had come across in a country churchyard as a perfect exemplification of poetry, piety, and politeness:

“You who stand around my grave, And say, ‘His life is gone;’ You are mistaken--pardon me-- My life is but begun.”

COLERIDGE, THE POET.

Coleridge was lodging at Ramsgate, where his reputation as a poet was known. The servant-maid entering his room, informed him that he was wanted, there being a person at the door inquiring for a poet, on going out he found it was the _pot-boy_ from the public-house, whose cry of “Any pots for the Angel?” the girl had mistaken for a demand for a poet.

JOHN KEMBLE’S RIVAL.

John Kemble in performing one of his favourite parts at a country theatre was much interrupted by a squalling baby. Able to endure the rival performance no longer, he walked with solemn step to the front of the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tones, said, “Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is stopped the child cannot possibly go on.”

APPETITE OF LOUIS XIV.

“I have seen the king,” says a writer of memoirs, “not once, but often, eat four plates of different soups, an entire pheasant, a partridge, a dish full of salad, a piece of ham, a slice of mutton with gravy, and large quantities of all kinds of _confitures_.”

IGNORANCE OF A FRENCH CURÉ.

A French Curé, in a sequestrated part of the south of France, inquired of an English traveller whether English women wore rings in their noses? to which he replied, “that, in the north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly not in London.”

WORDSWORTH’S OPINION OF HIMSELF.

Among his contemporaries, Wordsworth was generally thought to entertain a very high opinion of himself. At a large dinner party where Sir Humphry Davy was present, he suddenly, in the most epic tone, called from the top of the table to the bottom, “Davy!” and on Davy putting forth his head in awful expectation of what was coming, said, “Do you know why I published the ‘White Doe’ in quarto?” “No, what was it?” “To show the world my own opinion of it.”

A COUNTRY DINNER.

On a certain occasion Sydney Smith set off to dine with a neighbouring clergyman. After toiling along a dusty road, he reached the parsonage hungry and weary. Seated in a small hot-room, a stripling opened the door and beckoned our host out of the room. In a short time he returned looking greatly distressed, saying, “The woman assisting in the kitchen had mistaken the soup for dirty water, and had thrown it out, and so we must do without it.” At last, dinner was announced to our great joy, but, oh ye gods, as we entered the dining room what a gale met our nose! the venison was high, the venison was uneatable, and was obliged to follow on the soup with all speed.

THE HIGHLANDER AND SIR SYDNEY SMITH.

Sir James Mackintosh on one occasion went to sup with Sydney Smith, accompanied by a raw Scotch cousin, an ensign in a Highland regiment. On hearing the name of his host, he nudged Sir James and enquired in an audible whisper, “Is that the great Sir Sydney?” “Yes, yes,” said Sir James, and giving Sydney, the hint, he at once assumed the military character, performed the part of the hero of Acre to perfection, fought all the battles over again, and showed how he had charged the Turk, to the infinite delight of the young Scotsman, who was charmed with the kindness and condescension of the great Sir Sydney. Meanwhile, however, the other guests were suffering severe torture and nearly burst with suppressing laughter. In return for the kindness he had received, nothing would content the young Highlander but that he must set off about twelve o’clock at night to fetch the piper of the regiment to pipe to the “Great Sir Sydney,” who said he had never heard the bagpipes. Before he returned, the company had dispersed. Sir James declaring he would be decapitated if he remained. A few days after this occurrence Sir James and his cousin met Sydney Smith, with his wife leaning on his arm. He introduced her as his wife, upon which the young Highlander whispered to Sir James, and looking at the lady, “I did na ken the great Sir Sydney was married.” “Why, no,” said Sir James, winking at him, “not ex-act-ly married--only an Egyptian slave he brought over with him; Fatima, you know, you understand.”

SYDNEY SMITH’S COUNTRY COUSIN.

A country cousin used sometimes to visit Sydney Smith--a simple, warm-hearted rustic. It was his custom occasionally to have some of his friends to supper, and on their arrival she would come to him and whisper, “Now Sydney, I know that these are all remarkable men, do tell me who they are?” “Oh, yes,” said he, laughing. “That is Hannibal,” pointing to Mr. Whishaw, “he lost his leg in the Carthagenian war; and that is Socrates,” pointing to Luttrell; “and that is Solon,” pointing to Horner. The girl opened her ears, eyes, and mouth with admiration, yet half believing that Sydney was making fun of her.

SCOTTISH METAPHYSICS.

The Scottish people are thought to be so imbued with metaphysics, that even in love the passion discovers itself. On one occasion at a ball, Sydney Smith overheard a young lady of his acquaintance, in a pause in the music, remark to her partner, “What you say, my lord, is very true in the _abstract_, but----” here the fiddlers began, and the rest was lost.

DESIRE TO ROAST A QUAKER.

Sydney Smith confessed to a friend that he had one little weakness--one secret wish--“he should like to roast a Quaker.” “Good heavens, no, Smith!” said his friend full of horror, “roast a Quaker?” “Yes, sir” (with the greatest gravity), “roast a Quaker!” “But do you consider, sir, the torture?” “Yes, I have considered everything; it may be wrong, as you say; the Quaker would undoubtedly suffer acutely, I have striven against the taste in vain, one would satisfy me--only one!”

MASTER DOMINIQUE.

A gentleman called Tenant was a favourite in London society early in this century, the mysteries of whose _menage_ often afforded amusement to his friends. He lived in a small lodging, and his establishment was confined to an old black servant called Dominique, who tyrannised over him. He was overheard one morning calling from his bed, “Dominique! Dominique!” but no Dominique appeared. “Why don’t you bring me my stockings, Dominique?” “Can’t come, Massa.” “Why can’t you come, Dominique?” “Can’t come, Massa, I am _dronke_.”

APPROPRIATE ANSWERS.

A man being asked did he understand German, answered, “No, but I have a cousin who plays the German flute.” Another enquiring at a bookseller, if he had the “Whole duty of man,” got for answer, “No, sir, but we have Mrs. Glasse’s cookery!”

SYDNEY SMITH’S SERVANTS.

Sydney Smith had for an attendant in his time a clean, fair, squat, tidy little girl about twelve years of age named Bunch. Mrs. Marcet, who was staying in the house, met her host at the foot of the stair when Bunch was passing. Mr. Smith suddenly said, “Bunch, do you like roast duck or boiled chicken?” Bunch had probably never tasted either the one or the other in her life, but answered without a moment’s hesitation, “Roast duck please, sir,” and disappeared. I laughed. “You may laugh,” said he, “but you have no idea of the labour it has cost me to give her that decision of character. The Yorkshire peasantry are the quickest and shrewdest in the world, but you can never get a direct answer from them; if you ask them even their own names, they always scratch their heads and say, ‘A’s sur ai don’t knaw, sir;’ but I have brought Bunch to such perfection that she never hesitates now on any subject, however difficult. I am very strict with her. Would you like to hear her repeat her crimes? She has them by heart and repeats them everyday.” “Come here, Bunch!” (calling out to her), “come and repeat your crimes to Mrs. Marcet;” and Bunch, quite as a matter of course, as grave as a judge, without the least hesitation, and with a loud voice began to repeat--“Plate-snatching, gravy-spilling, door-slamming, blue-bottle fly-catching and curtsey-bobbing.” “Explain to Mrs. Marcet what blue-bottle fly-catching is.” “Standing with my mouth open and not attending, sir.” “And what is curtsey-bobbing?” “Curtseying to the centre of the earth, please sir.” “Good girl! now you may go.” “She makes a capital waiter, I assure you. On _state_ occasions, Jack Robinson, my carpenter, takes off his apron and waits too, and does pretty well, but he sometimes naturally makes a mistake, and sticks a gimlet into the bread instead of a fork.”

SYDNEY SMITH’S COACH COMPANIONS.

On another occasion some years later, when I was going to Brougham Hall, two raw Scotch girls got into the coach in the dark, near Carlisle. “It is very disagreeable getting into a coach in the dark,” exclaimed one, after arranging her band-boxes, “one cannot see one’s company.” “Very true, ma’am, and you have a great loss in not seeing me, for I am a remarkably handsome man.” “No, sir! are you really?” said both. “Yes, and in the flower of my youth.” “What a pity,” said they. We soon passed near a lamp-post; they both darted forward to get a look at me. “Lo, sir, you seem very stout.” “Oh, no, not at all, ma’am, it’s only my great coat.” “Where are you going, sir?” “To Brougham Hall.” “Why, you must be a very remarkable man, to be going to Brougham Hall.” “I am a very remarkable man, ma’am.” At Penrith they got out, after having talked incessantly, and tried every possible means to discover who I was, exclaiming, as they went off laughing, “Well, it is very provoking we can’t see you, but we’ll find out who you are at the hall; Lord Brougham always comes to the ball at Penrith, and we shall certainly be there, and shall soon discover your name.”

A PROOF OF GOOD WINE.

A hospitable host in recommending some light wine on the dinner table used the old expression, “There’s not a headache in a bottle of it.” One of his guests, with more truth than politeness, replied, “No, but there’s a belly-ache in every glass of it.”

AN IMPOSTOR.

A man of good appearance gave himself out as a lecturer on English literature. Fortified with letters to certain Professors of Trinity College, a small but select audience assembled to hear him. Moore, who was present, among other questions asked him if he was acquainted with “Shenstone’s School Mistress.” He replied, “Yes, but ha’n’t seen her for some time.” In the course of the lecture, he quoted a passage from Lucan, which he said was counted by some critics very “helegant and hingenious,” and which he read as follows:--“The ’evens hintomb, ’im ’oom the hearth does not hinter,” he declared his own opinion that it was neither “helegant nor hingenious.”

THE END.

R. SYMON, PRINTER, EDINBURGH.

NOTES

[A] It has been said, that the stranger was looking for Lamb’s Conduit Street. This and the following anecdote, together with one or two others, are from an exceedingly amusing work, entitled “The Clubs of London,” published in 1828.

[B] Burnett’s _History of his Own Times_, iii. 1350.

[C] The most remarkable thing in this anecdote is certainly the king’s want of good manners, in asking such a question of the representative of a foreign nation.

[D] It was from this, perhaps, that Goldsmith took the idea of Garrick’s character in his poem called “Retaliation.”

[E] Sir Lumely Skeffington, we believe, is the author alluded to.

[F] A celebrated harlequin of the Italian comedy.

[G] BERNARD’S _Retrospections of the Stage_.

* * * * *

Transcriber’s Note:

Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.

Variations in spelling, hyphenation and punctuation remain as in the original unless noted below.

Page 3, “f” changed to “if” (“that if it would not do”). Page 3, “Johnston” changed to “Johnson” (“desired Dr. Johnson to give”). Page 10, double quotation mark added after “cursedly _through your cheek_.” Page 14, period added after “save her from the torture.” Page 16, single quotation mark changed to double after “Will, sir.” Page 16, superfluous quotation mark deleted after “the way to a certain place.” Page 16, “What are doing” changed to “What are you doing.” Page 22, “amature” changed to “amateur” (“an amateur of this sort of mischief”). Page 23, repeated word “out” removed (“for out of it came the Earls of Pembroke”). Page 27, “Keynon” changed to “Kenyon” (“that Lord Kenyon had fallen asleep”). Page 27, double quotation mark added after “he thinks he is on the _bench_.” Page 28, “recommed” changed to “recommend” (“I’ll recommend you every where.”). Page 29, “spouting-club” changed to “sporting-club” (“an eminent poulterer went to a sporting-club”). Page 29, “onl” changed to “only” (“I only speak de truth”). Page 30, “humurous” changed to “humorous” (“gave him a humorous reproof”). Page 31, “effected” changed to “effect” (“so commanding had the desired effect”). Page 32, “possesssd” changed to “possessed” (“who possessed every requisite”). Page 35, “Boy” changed to “Boys” (“Boys fly kites for recreation”). Page 45, “WILLAM” changed to “WILLIAM” (“WILLIAM III. AND SERGEANT MAYNARD.”). Page 52, “he” changed to “be” (“a bottle of Cape to be set”). Page 52, “puplic” changed to “public” (“in the public rooms at Bath”). Page 58, single quotation mark changed to double after “the best of characters.” Page 54, “rom” changed to “from” (“goutified from his excesses”). Page 61, “BEWEEN” changed to “BETWEEN” (“DISTINCTION BETWEEN A LORD AND A GENTLEMAN.”). Page 61, “a” changed to “A” (“DISTINCTION BETWEEN A LORD AND A GENTLEMAN.”). Page 65, single quotation mark changed to double after “sir, I assure you!” Page 71, single quotation mark changed to double after “I do,” Page 71, “Whether” changed to “whether” (“asking, whether, under such circumstances”). Page 71, double quotation mark added before “you play the _fool_.” Page 76, double quotation mark added before “have I not given you your full.” Page 77, double quotation mark added after “here see _the road to England_.” Page 83, “busines” changed to “business” (“his style of doing business”). Page 84, “you” changed to “your” (““And your petitioner shall ever”). Page 86, double quotation mark added before “but I trust I have strength.” Page 92, double quotation mark added before “I would have you know.” Page 93, “answerered” changed to “answered” (“answered he”). Page 94, double quotation mark added before “one good _turn_ deserved.” Page 98, “cooly” changed to “coolly” (“expect to be received so coolly”). Page 98, period added after “much admire the _air_.” Page 100, “gentleman” changed to “gentlemen” (“Ladies and gentlemen”). Page 100, “unsuccesful” changed to “unsuccessful” (“endeavours to please are unsuccessful“). Page 102, “may” changed to “many” (“used to relate many curious”). Page 102, “SIMLPE” change to “SIMPLE” (“A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF ORDER.”). Page 108, double quotation mark added after “if you are not wrong,” Page 109, double quotation mark added before “I rather believe it.” Page 111, double quotation mark added after “sir, pots and all.” Page 113, “asted” changed to “lasted” (“house ever lasted long.”). Page 113, “Dury” changed to “Drury” (“a tragedy acted at Drury Lane”). Page 118, double quotation mark added after “unction before you went.” Page 120, two adjacent single quotes changed to double quotes (“Can you so?”). Page 121, double quotation mark added after “You want amusement, sir,” Page 128, “L” inserted (“replied his Lordship”). Page 129, period added after “his company for nothing.” Page 129, double quotation mark added after “sober and the drunken club.” Page 133, “check’d” changed to “cheek’d” (“of a little cherry-cheek’d”). Page 137, double quotation mark added after “_I have covered so many blunders of yours_.“ Page 138, single quotation mark changed to double after “say as much of you.” Page 142, “this” changed to “his” (“the cord under his left ear”). Page 142, superfluous closing quotation mark deleted after “the cord under his left ear.” Page 151, “Johson” changed to “Johnson” (“very desirous to see Ben Johnson”). Page 152, “de-declared” changed to “declared” (“that she declared to him”). Page 152, “audence” changed to “audience“ (“the great amusement of the audience”). Page 153, “welsh” changed to “Welsh” (“The Welsh formerly drank”). Page 159, “ofter” changed “after” (“Soon after Lord Sidney’s elevation”). Page 159, “ECENTRIC” changed to “ECCENTRIC” (“ECCENTRIC RECOMMENDATION”). Page 162, “betwen” changed to “between” (“between conscience and self-interest”). Page 164, “vension” changed to “venison” (“the venison not kept long”). Page 164, repeated word “the” removed (“said the quaker”). Page 164, “Lest” changed to “Let” (“Let us now see”). Page 170, comma changed to period after “at the _fall of the leaf_.” Page 178, “occured” changed to “occurred” (“occurred on the Epsom road”). Page 189, double quotation mark added after “obliged to sit and hear it.” Page 191, “goal” changed to “gaol” (“was in Shrewsbury gaol for preaching”). Page 192, “Russel” changed to “Russell” (“replied Miss Russell”). Page 193, single quotation mark changed to double after “put on thy hat.” Page 193, “advance” changed to “advanced” (“returned in advanced life”). Page 195, double quotation mark added after “it is all down hill.” Page 197, superfluous quotation mark deleted in “Hold, my friend,” Page 200, single quotation mark changed to double after “I can’t help it my dear,” Page 200, double quotation mark added after “exactly of your ladyship’s size.” Page 203, double quotation mark added after “they are in law.” Page 205, superfluous quotation mark deleted in “Indeed, my lady,” Page 211, superfluous quote removed after “incapable of business,” and before “but above it.” Page 213, “fellows” changed to “fellow’s” (“over the fellow’s back”). Page 222, double quotation mark added after “and leave these unfortunate men?” Page 227, comma changed to period after “Nisi dominus frustra.” Page 230, double quotation mark added after “I think,” Page 232, double quotation mark added before “you must say the following words.” Page 235, apostrophe inserted in “nobleman’s” (“he stirred the nobleman’s”). Page 246, “CURE” changed to “CURÉ” (“IGNORANCE OF A FRENCH CURÉ”). Page 248, “point-” changed to “pointing” (“pointing to Mr. Whishaw”). Page 249, period changed to comma after “is very true in the _abstract_.”

Original scans of this book can be found here: https://archive.org/details/englishjestsanec00edin.