Part 12

Dr. Radcliffe was avaricious, and would never pay his bills without much importunity. A pavior, after many fruitless attempts, caught him as he was going out in his chariot. “Why, you rascal,” said the doctor, “do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work.” “Doctor,” said the pavior, “mine is not the only bad work the earth hides.” “You dog, you,” said the doctor, “are you a wit? You must be poor; come in and be paid.”

LORD SANDWICH.

Lord Sandwich, a member of that administration which carried on the American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was so ungainly a walker on the street, that, on a gentleman of his acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was his lordship or not, another is said to have remarked, “Oh, yes, I am sure it is Lord Sandwich, for, if you observe, he is walking down both sides of the street at once.” His lordship used to relate of himself that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the _professor_ at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his own country; to which the man replied, bowing, “I should take it as a particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you learned to dance.”

OLD BAILEY WIT.

A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop-door in Holborn, with which he ran away. _Judge, to shoemaker, who had pursued and seized the prisoner_--“What did he say when you caught him?” _Witness_--“My lord, he said he took the boots in a joke.” _Judge_--“And pray, how far was he off when you caught him?” _Witness_--“About forty yards, please your lordship.” _Judge_--“I am afraid this is carrying the joke too far;” and he condemned the prisoner.

WATERLOO MEDAL.

A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for wearing a Waterloo medal, a thing which did not cost the English government three francs. “It may have cost the English government only three francs,” said the soldier; “but it cost the French a _Napoleon_ besides.”

BOLD REPLY.

James the Second, who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very ill-bred one. He declared, in the midst of his courtiers, that “he had never known a modest man make his way at court.” To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied, “And, please your majesty, whose fault is that?” The king was struck, and remained silent.

A GOOD SORT OF MAN.

“Pray,” said a lady to Foote, “what sort of man is Sir John D.?” “Oh! a very good sort of man.” “But what do you call a good sort of man?” “Why, madam, one who preserves all the exterior decencies of ignorance.”

TIME AT ROYAL DISCRETION.

The great have always been flattered, but never was adulation carried farther than on the part of a lady of honour to Queen Anne. The queen having asked her what the time was, “Whatever time it may please your majesty,” was the reply.

VALUABLE EVIDENCE.

In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman! “Did you see the defendant throw the stone?” “I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.” “Was it a large stone?” “I should say it wur a largeish stone.” “What was its size?” “I should say a sizeable stone.” “Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?” “I should say it were a stone of some bigness.” “Can’t you compare it to some other object?” “Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.”

UNPLEASANT COMPLIMENT.

Mr. Pitt being in company with the late Duchess of Gordon, who spoke the Scotch dialect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of her family had gone to France, and was asked by him why she was not of the party. She said in answer, “That it was very awkward to be in a country and not know the language.” “Why,” said Mr. Pitt, “your grace has not found any such inconvenience in England.”

PAINT.

The old Duchess of Bedford, if born, as she herself once declared, before nerves came in fashion, had not at least been born before it was fashionable to paint. Her grace was, indeed, notoriously addicted to rouge, which she used in uncommon quantities. Lord North one day asked George III. when his majesty had seen the old lady? The king replied, “He had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he believed, for more than twenty years.”

CONDESCENSION IN LOVE.

When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Porter, he told her he was of mean extraction; had no money; and had an uncle hanged! The lady by way of reducing herself to an equality with him, replied that she had no more money than himself, and that, although she had not a relation hanged, she had fifty who _deserved hanging_. And thus was accomplished this singular amour.

VERACITY.

A gentleman in company with Mr. C. Bannister boasted that he had destroyed five hundred men with his own hands. “Sir,” said Charles, “I have killed a few in my time also--let me see: five at Madrid, ten at Lisbon, twenty at Paris, thirty at Vienna, and double the number at the Hague. At length, coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarce disembarked, when a desperate fellow of an Irishman killed me.” “Killed you!” said Munchausen; “what do you mean by that?” “Sir,” replied the wit, “I did not dispute your veracity, and why should you question mine?”

TAKE ADVICE.

A gentleman who used to frequent the Chapter Coffeehouse, being unwell, thought he might steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? “I’ll tell you,” says the doctor--“you should take _advice_.”

PROOF OF A CIVILIZED COUNTRY.

The writer of a modern book of travels, relating the particulars of his being cast away, thus concludes--“After having walked eleven hours without tracing the print of a human foot, to my great comfort and delight I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet; my pleasure at this cheering prospect was inexpressible, for it convinced me that I was in a _civilized country_, there being no _such_ thing among savages.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LITERAL AND LITERARY.

During the institution of a society in Liverpool for the purpose of literary improvement, a gentleman of strong body but of slender wit applied to be admitted a member; “I think,” said he to the president, “I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as I am undoubtedly a _great_ man in the _literal_ sense of the word!” “True,” replied the other; “but I am afraid you are but a _little_ man in the _literary_ sense of the word.”

PURE ENGLISH.

The English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV. the liberation of the Protestants who had been condemned to the galleys on account of their religion. “What would the King of Great Britain say if I asked him to liberate the prisoners in Newgate?” “Sire,” replied the ambassador, “the king, my master, would grant your majesty’s request if you reclaimed them as your brethren.”

PROOF OF SANITY.

Sir Theodore Mayerne, physician to King James I., and who made an immense sum by his practice, was once consulted by a friend, who laid two broad pieces of gold on the table (six and thirties), and Sir Theodore put them into his pocket. The friend was hurt at his pocketing such a fee; but Sir Theodore said to him, “I made my will this morning, and if it should appear that I refused a fee, I might be deemed _non compos_.”

BUT!

In a case of assault, where an eminent brewer was concerned, the following ingenious argument was stated in the pleadings to have been used by that individual: “If there be any charge made against the beer, _rebutt_ it.” It was this clench in jest, which led to the assault in earnest; so that neither your _if_ nor your _but_ is a certain peacemaker.

COMPETITION OF WONDERS.

Several gentlemen at a party contested the honour of having done the most extraordinary thing. A reverend D.D. was appointed to be judge of their respective pretensions. One produced his tailor’s bill, with a receipt attached to it; a cry went through the room, that this would not be outdone; when a second proved that he had arrested his tailor for money lent to him. The palm is his, was the universal outcry; when a third observed, “Gentlemen, I cannot boast of the feats of either of my predecessors; but I have returned to the owners two umbrellas that they had left at my house.” “I’ll hear no more,” cried the arbiter; “this is the very _ne plus ultra_ of honest and unheard of deeds; it is an act of virtue of which I never before knew any person capable: the prize is yours.”

LORD PETERBOROUGH.

The eccentric Lord Peterborough, though one of the most brilliant of modern military characters, was overshadowed by the Duke of Marlborough. On a temporary return from Spain, where he was commanding, he found all his projects, proposals, and recommendations taken by the ministry _ad referendum_ which disgusted him so much, that he threw himself into a sedan chair to return home, and drawing the curtains all round, sat indulging in his own morose thoughts. As he was passing through the streets, the populace took up an idea that he was the rival general, and gathered round, crying, “God bless the Duke of Marlborough! God bless the Duke of Marlborough!” “Gentlemen,” said his lordship, pushing down one of the windows, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough.” “O yes,” said a spokesman of the multitude, “you are the Duke of Marlborough: we know you well enough.” “Gentlemen,” said Lord Peterborough, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough. Let me down,” he cried to the chairman. Got out of the chair, and now standing,--“I am not the Duke of Marlborough, I tell you, and I will now give you two convincing proofs that I am not; one is, that I have but a single guinea,” and he turned his pockets inside out: “the other is, that I give it you;” and he threw it among them.

LEGAL ADVICE.

“Sir,” said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, “will you tell me if this is a good seven-shilling piece?” The lawyer pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity, “if you’ll send your lad to my office, I’ll return the fourpence.”

BON MOT OF GEORGE II.

A heavy-heeled cavalry officer, at one of the Brighton balls, astounded the room by the peculiar _impressiveness_ of his dancing. A circle of affrighted ladies fluttered over to the prince, and inquired by what possibility they could escape being trampled out of the world by this formidable performer. “Nothing can be done,” said the prince, “since the war is over; then he might have been sent back to America, as a republication of the _stamp_ act.”

PULTENEY, EARL OF BATH.

Lord Bath passed for one of the wisest men in England. “When one is in opposition,” was one of his sayings, “it is very easy to know what to say; but when one is minister, it is difficult to know what not to say.”

ANOTHER OF THE SAME.

Lord Chancellor Loughborough told the Duke of Bridgewater he never knew Lord Bath. “How?” said Bridgewater; “were you not a minister at the same time that he was a minister?” “Yes,” was the reply, “personally; but I used to go to bed before twelve, and Lord Bath never was himself (that is, in the full plenitude of his faculties and gaiety) till after.”

ADVANTAGES OF LOW PRICES.

A gentleman in one of the steam-packets asked the steward, when he came round to collect the passage money (of 6_d._ each for the best cabin), if there was not some danger of being blown up? The latter promptly replied, “No, sir, not the least; we cannot afford to blow people up at these low prices.”

JACOBITISM.

Lord Peterborough, about the time of the revolution of 1688, was anxious to obtain a fine singing canary from a coffeehouse keeper in London, his mistress having taken a fancy for it. Finding the people obstinately bent against selling it, he at last contrived to steal it, leaving a female one in its place. Some two years after, he ventured to say to the good woman of the house, that he supposed she would now take the money he formerly offered for the bird. “Indeed, sir,” answered she, “I would not; nor would I take any sum for him; for,--would you believe it?--from the time that our good king was forced to go abroad and leave us, _the dear creature has not sung a note_!”

A TERRIBLE THING OUT-TERRIBLED.

A dull play-wright, about to read one of his compositions in the green-room at Drury Lane, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a piece before such a critical audience. “I know one thing more terrible,” said Mrs. Powell. “What can that be?” asked the author. “To be obliged to sit and hear it.”

WRECKERS.

The people at a certain part of the coast of Cornwall, where wrecks frequently happen, used to be so demoralized by the unrestrained plunder of the unfortunate vessels, that they lost almost every humane feeling. It is said that even the clergy sunk under the dominion of this species of selfishness, and were almost as bad as the people. One Sunday, the news of a wreck was promulgated to a congregation engaged in public worship; and in an instant all were eagerly hurrying out at the door, to set off towards the spot. The clergyman hereupon called, in a most emphatic voice, that he only desired to say five more words to them. They turned with impatient attention to hear him. He approached, as if to address them; when, having got to the front of the throng, “Now,” says he, “let us start fair!” and off he ran, all the rest following him, towards the place where the wreck had happened, which, it is believed, he was the first to reach.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON.

All the world has heard of Sir Isaac Newton roasting himself before a great fire, till informed of the possibility of escaping the fate he apprehended by pushing back his chair. The story of his employing the finger of a lady, whom he was courting, as a tobacco-stopper is equally well-known. Not so that which follows:--Dr. Stukely, one day visiting Sir Isaac by appointment, was told by a servant that the philosopher was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there; but as it was near dinner time the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in--a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and, covering up the empty dish, bade the servant dress another for her master. Before that was ready the great man came down; he apologised for his delay, and added, “Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint.” Saying this, he lifted the cover, and, without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile: “See,” says he, “what we studious people are; I forgot I had dined.”

INDIRECT ANSWER.

A person employed by a sick gentleman to read to him, very soon evinced a great aptitude to stumble whenever he came to any word not belonging to his mother tongue. Tired with this at length, the sick man asked him if he really pretended to know any other language than his own. “Why, really sir,” answered the unfortunate reader, “I cannot exactly say I do; but I have a brother who is perfectly acquainted with French.”

JOHN BUNYAN.

What are now denominated _mince pies_ were formerly called _Christmas pies_. When John Bunyan, author of the Pilgrim’s Progress, was in Shrewsbury gaol for preaching and praying, a gentleman who knew his abhorrence of anything Popish, and wished to play upon his peculiarity, one 25th of December sent his servant to the poor puritan, and desired his acceptance of a large Christmas pie. John took little time to consider; but, seizing the pastry, desired the messenger to thank his master, and “Tell him,” added he, “I have lived long enough, and am now hungry enough, to know the difference between _Christmas_ and _pie_.”

PREVENTIVE OF JEALOUSY.

A beautiful young lady having called out an ugly gentleman to dance with her, he was astonished at the condescension, and believing that she was in love with him, in a very pressing manner desired to know why she had selected him from the rest of the company, “Because, sir,” replied the lady, “my husband commanded me to select such a partner as should not give him cause for jealousy.”

HAPPINESS.

A captain in the navy meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth point, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest fellows in the world. “How so?” asked his friend. “Why, I have just flogged _seventeen_, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.”

AN EXPEDIENT.

The following anecdote is related of Sir Robert Walpole: Being afraid on one occasion that the bishops would vote against him in a question before the House of Lords, he induced the Archbishop of Canterbury to stay at home for two or three days, and circulated a report that his Grace was dangerously ill. On the day of meeting the house was crowded with lawn-sleeves, not one of which voted against the court!

GRAND-DAUGHTER OF CROMWELL.

In the suite of the Princess Amelia, aunt of George III., there was a lady of the name of Russell, grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, and who it would seem inherited, without any alloy, much of his undaunted and ready spirit. On 30th of January, she was occupied in adjusting some part of the princess’ dress, when the Prince of Wales (Frederick) came into the room and said, “For shame, Miss Russell, why have you not been at church humbling yourself for the sins of this day committed by your grandfather?” “Sir,” replied Miss Russell, “for a grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, it is humiliation sufficient to be employed as I am, in pinning up your sister’s train.”

PURCEL.

Daniel Purcel, who was a non-juror, told a friend that he had a full view of George the First as he landed at Greenwich. “Then,” said his friend, “you know him by sight.” “Yes,” said Purcel, “I think I know him; but I can’t swear to him.”

PENN AND CHARLES II.

When the celebrated Penn visited Charles II., the king, observing him keep on his hat, took off his own, and stood uncovered before his precise subject, who said, “Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat.” “No,” said the king; “it is customary for only one man to stand covered here.”

NO JOKE.

A gentleman whose grounds had the misfortune to lie near a public road, and were therefore much intruded upon, set up a board to scare offenders by the notification that steel-traps and spring-guns were set in these enclosures. This, however, being no more than the common warning, was totally disregarded: the grounds were just as much molested, and the fruit of the orchard as constantly stolen as ever. At length he caused to be painted in very large prominent letters below the other inscription--“No joke, by God!” which, it is stated, had the desired effect.

MAJOR LONGBOW.

A gentleman who had made a fortune abroad, returned in advanced life, like many other such persons, to tell long stories at home. Sensible of a natural weakness he possessed of exaggerating every thing he spoke of, he kept a sober Scotch servant, who was instructed to touch his shoulder whenever his fault began to be observable. One day he told a story of a fox which he had seen at Grenada with a tail ten feet long. The man touched his shoulder. “Well,” said he, “I am sure I speak within the mark, when I say the tail was _eight_ feet.” Still David touched his shoulder. “Well, at least _six_ feet.” Still a touch. “Well, _three_.” Still another touch, until, provoked at last by the servant’s incredulity--“What the devil!” says he, turning about, “would you have the fox to have had no tail at all!”

THE BROOM-SELLER.

Bacon was wont to commend much the saying of an old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A young spendthrift came to him for a broom upon trust, to whom the old man said--“Friend, hast thou no money? borrow of thy back and of thy belly; they’ll never ask thee for it: I shall be dunning thee every day.

A SAILOR’S EXPLANATION.

A stranger, passing St. Paul’s cathedral, asked a sailor whom he met, what figures those were at the west front, to which it was answered, “The twelve apostles.” “How can that be,” inquired the stranger, “when there are but six of them?” “Damn your eyes!” said the tar, “would you have them all on deck at once!”

MAKING SURE.

During the Protestant riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, “No Popery!” Old Grimaldi, the mimic, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, “No Religion.”

OLD, BUT NOT TO BE TIRED ON.

A traveller, coming into the kitchen of an inn on a very cold night, stood so close to the fire that he burned his boots. A little boy, who sat in the chimney corner, cried out to him, “Take care, sir, or you will burn your spurs.” “My boots you mean, I suppose,” said the traveller. “O no, sir,” replied the arch rogue, “_they be burnt already_.”

ANOTHER.

One poor beau told another that his new coat was too short for him. “True,” answered he of the short skirts: “I assure you, however, it will be _long enough_ before I get another.”

LOCALITY OF FEELING.

A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one man, who was asked why he did not weep with the rest. “Oh!” said he, “I belong to another parish.”

CONSOLATION.

A gentleman, lying on his death-bed, called his coachman, who had been an old servant, and said--“Ah, Tom! I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me.” “Oh, dear sir,” replied Tom, “don’t let that discourage you; it is all down hill.”

HOLE _versus_ DARN.

Ned Shuter thus explained his reason for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--“A hole,” said he, “may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman; but a darn is _premeditated poverty_.”

NAUTICAL INDIFFERENCE.

A sailor at the battle of Trafalgar had his leg shot off below the knee. “That’s but a shilling touch,” said he, alluding to the scale of pensions for wounds; “an inch higher and I should have had my eighteenpence for it.” As they were taking him away to get his leg dressed he called to a brother tar,--“Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, another time.”

ALE.

A traveller, calling at a little inn, the landlord of which was very tenacious of the character of his home-brewed ale, after sipping the beverage, begged to have it warmed. “What! warm my ale!” exclaimed Boniface; “damn that stomach that won’t warm the ale, say I!” “And,” cried the potator, “_damn that ale that won’t warm the stomach_, say I.”

FEMALE CONTRIVANCE.

Mary Queen of Scots was a long time under the charge of George, Earl of Shrewsbury, who found the duty exceedingly troublesome, and, furthermore, attended with great danger. His wife at length contrived to get him quit of it, by representing to Elizabeth that she suspected a growing attachment between her husband and Mary. Nothing more was required with the maiden queen; Mary was soon ordered another keeper.

THE GAMESTER.

There is much philosophy in the following anecdote. At the time when the seconds in a duel used to engage as heartily as the principals, a gentleman, who had had a run of good luck at cards, was asked to act in that capacity to a friend. “I am not,” said he, “the man for your purpose; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and I warrant you he will fight like any devil.”

GIBBON’S PUNCTUALITY.