Part 11

A quaker, driving in a single-horse chaise up a green lane that leads from Newington Green to Hornsey, happened to meet with a young blood, who was also in a single-horse chaise. There was not room enough for them to pass each other, unless one of them would back his carriage, which they both refused. “I’ll not make way for you,” says the blood; “damn my eyes if I will.” “I think I am older than thou art,” said the quaker, “and therefore have a right to expect thee to make way for me.” “I won’t, dam’me,” resumed the first. He then pulled out a newspaper, and began to read, as he sat still in his chaise. The quaker, observing him, pulled a pipe and some tobacco from his pocket, and, with a convenience which he carried about with him, lighted his pipe, and sat and puffed away very comfortably. “Friend,” said he, “when thou hast read that paper, I should be glad if thou wouldst lend it me.”

JOHNSON AND BOSWELL.

Dr. Johnson and Boswell, being at Bristol, were by no means pleased with their inn. “Let us now see,” said Boswell, “how we should describe it.” Johnson was ready with his raillery. “Describe it, sir! why, it was so bad--so very bad, that Boswell wished to be in Scotland.”

SIR CHARLES WAGER.

Sir Charles Wager had a sovereign contempt for physicians; though a surgeon, he believed, in some cases might be of service. It happened that the worthy knight was seized with a fever while he was out upon a cruise, and the surgeon, without much difficulty, prevailed upon him to loose a little blood and suffer a blister to be laid on his back; by and by it was thought necessary to lay on another blister and repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also consented. The symptoms having abated, the surgeon then told him that he must now swallow a few boluses and take a draught. “No, doctor,” said Sir Charles, “you may batter my hulk as long as you will, but damn you, you shan’t board me!”

EPITAPH ON PROFESSOR BARNES, A MAN OF WEAK JUDGMENT, BUT HAPPY MEMORY.

Hic jacet Joshua Barnes, Beatæ memoriæ, judicium expectans.

INSURANCE.

In a storm at sea when the sailors were all at prayers expecting every moment to go to the bottom, a passenger appeared quite unconcerned. The captain asked him how he could be so much at his ease in this awful situation. “Sir,” says the passenger, “my life’s insured.”

COLONEL THORNTON.

When Colonel Thornton once asked his coachman if he had any objection to go abroad with him? “To any place that ever was created,” said the fellow very eagerly. “Would you drive me to hell?” said the colonel. “That I would!” answered the fellow, “that I would!” “Why, you would find it a hot birth and you must go in first yourself, Tom, as the box is before the body of the coach.” “No, no; I would back your honour in.”

BOSWELL AND JOHNSON.

Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar dying for want in the streets of Scotland, “I believe, sir, you are very right,” says Johnson; “but this does not arise from the want of beggars, but the impossibility of starving a Scotsman.”

CONJUROR AND NO CONJUROR.

A fellow, who went about the country playing slight of hand tricks, was apprehended and carried before the sapient mayor of a town, who immediately ordered him to be committed to prison. “For what?” said the fellow. “Why, sirrah, the people say you are a conjuror!” “Will your worship give me leave to tell you what the people say of you?” “Of me? what dare they say of me, fellow?” “They say you are no conjuror.”

BENEVOLENCE OF GEORGE III.

When Lord North introduced Dr. Robertson to the king, his majesty made many inquiries concerning the medical professors of Edinburgh, and the state of the college, of which the doctor was principal. Being thus taken upon his own ground, the historian expatiated at large with gravity and decorum on the merits of the Edinburgh College; mentioned the various branches of learning which were taught in it, the number of students that flocked to it from all quarters of the world; and in reply to his majesty’s particular inquiries concerning it as a School of Physic, he observed that no college could boast of conferring the degree of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edinburgh; for it annually sent out more than forty physicians, besides vast quantities of those who exercised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons, apothecaries, &c. “Heaven,” exclaimed the king, interrupting the doctor, “Heaven have mercy on my poor subjects?”

SIR JOHN MILLICENT.

One asked Sir John Millicent, a man of wit, how he did to conform to the grave justices his brethren, when they met. “Indeed,” answered he, “I have no other way to do than to drink myself down to the capacity of the bench.”

THE FISHMONGER.

A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought an unconscionable price, exclaimed--“Do you suppose I pick up my money in the street!” “No, sir,” replied the vender, “_but I do_.”

THE BLESSINGS OF TRIAL BY JURY.

A juryman, not so pliant as many, was repeatedly singular in his opinion, but so determined as always to bring over the other eleven. The judge asked him once how he came to be so fastidious? “My lord,” said he, “no man is more open to conviction than I am; but I have not met the same pliancy in others; for it has generally been my lot to be on a jury with _eleven obstinate men_.”

LORD SHAFTESBURY.

The history of this nobleman, in the _Biographia Britannica_, is a mere panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, “Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions.” He bowed, and replied, “Of a _subject_, sir, I believe I am.”

THE BREWER.

A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr. Jekyll, being informed of the circumstance, said that the verdict of the jury should be--“Found floating on his _watery bier_!”

JACK TAR AND THE PARSON.

An honest tar, just returned from sea, met his old messmate, Bet Blowsy: he was so overjoyed that he determined to commit matrimony; but, at the altar, the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees; on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed--“D--n it, brother, never mind! marry us as far as it will go!”

SHERIDAN.

Being asked whether he thought Mr. O’Brien was right in his assertion, that many thousands of the electors of Westminster would vote for the Duke of Northumberland’s porter were he put up, Sheridan coolly replied--“No; my friend O’Brien is wrong; but they might for _Mr. Whitbread’s porter_!”

SLAVE TRADE.

Sir John Doyle being told in the House of Commons by those interested in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said that it reminded him of a man whom he had once seen in a warren, sewing up the mouth of a ferret: he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty of the act, but he answered--“Lord, sir, the ferret _likes it_ above all things.”

NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

A fire happening at a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed--“You’ve done what I never could do, for, egad, you’ve liquidated my score!”

BON MOT.

A young clergyman, having the _misfortune_ to bury five wives, being in company with a number of ladies, was severely rallied by them upon the circumstance. At last one of them rather impertinently put the question to him, “How he managed to have such good luck?” “Why, madam,” said the other, “I knew they could not _live_ without contradiction, therefore I let them have their own way.”

BRUISING MATCH.

A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying--“That after sixteen rounds, _Hill_ beat his antagonist _hollow_.”

SMART RETORT.

Lord B---- wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, “Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the _peace establishment_?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his lordship, “put your tongue upon the _civil list_.”

LODGINGS.

A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let, knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck with the charms of his conductress, said,--“Pray, my dear, are you to be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to _be let alone_.”

THE RISING GENERATION.

A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the _rising_ generation rarely _lie down_ till three o’clock in the morning.”

THE MISER’S ADVICE.

The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the _fall of the leaf_.”

ADVERTISEMENT.

Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement:--“Every _man_ his own _washer-woman_!”

WELSH TOURIST.

A Welsh tourist, among many other _judicious_ observations, remarked that the _mad_-house of Lanark was in a very _crazy_ state.

THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered,--“I have done still worse--I have suffered myself to be apprehended.”

SELDEN.

When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that _fish_ were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was _salt_ fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.

TRADE.

A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with--“Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very _dead_, sir!” was the reply.

NAUTICAL SERMON.

When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects.

SENSIBILITY.

A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,” said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them alive, would you?”

GRATIFYING REFLECTION.

An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me.”

ALDERMAN WOOD.

A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from _wood_. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all _out of my own head_.”

“Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.”

MATHEMATICAL WIND.

One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees were rooted up, Dr. Vince, at Cambridge, met a friend, who said, “Good morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!” “Yes, sir,” replied the doctor, smiling; “quite a _mathematical wind_, for I see it has _extracted several roots_!”

BON MOT OF GEORGE IV.

The king, when Prince of Wales, attending Lewes races one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, “I beg pardon,” said the prince; “I think I saw a very handsome _sprinkling_ of the nobility.”

WELSH GENTILITY.

When James I. was on the road near Chester, he was met by such numbers of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that the weather being dry and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. He was completely at a loss in what manner to rid himself of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said, “It is his majesty’s pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards.” Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary man was left behind. “And so, sir,” says the king to him, “you are not a gentleman, then?” “O yes, and please your majesty, hur is as good a shentleman as the rest; but hur ceffyl (horse), God help hur, is not so good.”

YOUR BIRTH.

We often laugh at our neighbours’ mistakes; they might have smiled at our own, had they overheard a passenger in one of our steam packets, who wished to inform a French lady on board that her “berth was ready,” make the communication as follows:--“Madame _votre_ NAISSANCE _est arrangée_.”

SIR CHARLES WETHERELL.

This distinguished member of the House of Commons has too much of the free-born Englishman about him to submit to the thraldom of braces. A certain high officer in the House is said to have remarked, that during the whole course of his speech he observed but one lucid interval. “And which was that?” inquired Mr. P----. “The space,” replied the former, “between his waistcoat and the waistband of his trousers.” “You jest,” replied Mr. P----, “and should rather say, if you noted the hue of his under garment that it was _darkness visible_.”

TAXES.

Some _profound_ financiers tell us, that it is of no consequence to us how much we are taxed, because the taxes raised are not thrown away, but spent among us. We might as well tell the housewife, that when her fagot is burned it is not _wasted_; it is merely decomposed and sent into the atmosphere, and that it will return in some _shape or other_: both stories are very philosophical; but the old lady would tell you that she could not replace her fagot without putting her hand into her pocket.

UNEXPECTED INTERPRETATION.

An _independent_ elector of one of the midland counties, when called upon by a young slip of aristocracy, who was canvassing the freeholders, replied, that if the right honourable candidate would engage to bestow on his (the elector’s) second son a situation in his lordship’s gift, in the event of its becoming vacant, the suffrage should certainly be given as solicited. “My dear sir,” was the reply, “I shall be too proud to serve your son.” The scion of the noble house of ---- was returned, and the vacancy anticipated by the elector shortly occurred; but his lordship wisely disposed of it to one from whom he had still something to expect. The disappointed voter was exclaiming loudly to one of his acquaintances against this breach of faith on the part of his lordship. “I do not perceive,” answered his friend, “that he has been guilty of any. He told you that he should be too proud to serve your son, and the event has shown that he spoke the truth.”

ONE EXCEPTION.

A disappointed author, indulging in a vein of abuse against a successful rival, exclaimed, “He is, without exception, the most superficial, self-sufficient, ignorant shallow creature that ever made any pretensions to literature.” “Gently, my dear sir,” interrupted a gentleman; “_you quite forget yourself_.”

GO TO BRIGHTON.

A _poor_ valetudinarian was recommended to take a change of air for the benefit of his health. “Go to Brighton,” said the medical man; “the air of Brighton is very _good_ for _pectoral_ complaints.” “But very _bad_ for _pocket_ complaints, is it not doctor?” replied the invalid.

GIVING THE DEVIL HIS DUE.

Swift, in preaching an assize sermon, was severe upon the lawyers for pleading against their consciences. After dinner, a young counsel said some severe things upon the clergy, and added, that he did not doubt, were the devil to die, a parson might be found to preach his funeral sermon. “Yes,” says Swift, “I would, and would give the devil his due, as I did his children this morning.”

OUT OF PLACE.

When the beau-monde held their coteries, and pitched tents upon the leads of the houses, it was referred to a person, who, not approving of it, said that it was making too great an encroachment upon the cats.

CURTAILED.

A strapping fellow told a diminutive man that he was “curtailed of man’s fair proportion.” “If you will just step out on the green,” said the little one, “you shall find that I am not _cur-hearted_, although I am _cur-tailed_.”

A GOOD MOVE.

Sheridan being on a Parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated, and ready to commence business: perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and, looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said, “Will any gentleman _move_ that I may _take the chair_.”

LORD ERSKINE.

At a trial about an engraving, where several distinguished artists were summoned to give evidence, Lord (then Mr.) Erskine, after flourishing away, made an attempt to puzzle Mr. Stothard, by drawing two angles on a piece of paper, an acute and an obtuse one, and asking, “Do you mean to say these two are alike?” “Yes, I do,” was the answer. “I see,” said Erskine, turning round, “there is nothing to be got by _angling_ here.”

SMART REPARTEE.

A officer in the army being entertained at a gentleman’s table while he was in Scotland, happened to commend very highly a dish of fish. A rigid parson of the kirk, looking upon him as a reprobate for being pleased with his dinner, said, “While you pamper the flesh, sir, I hope you do not starve the inward man; the soul is not fed at the mouth, and you ought not to lust after the food that perisheth.” The officer was somewhat surprised at this sermon in miniature; but perceiving that his monitor was, like Sir John Falstaff, hugely waisted, he replied, with a smile, fixing his eyes full upon the preacher’s protuberant paunch, “I will be admonished by your example, for I see plainly by your tabernacle, that your food does not perish.” He then proceeded to exercise his knife and fork with additional vigour, as the plump kirkman encouraged him by his _actions_ not to pay any regard to his words.

FASHIONABLE DINNER HOUR.

Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, “Aye,” quoth Sam Rogers, “It will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow.”

THE INFERNAL MACHINE.

The infernal machine exploded in the streets of Paris after Bonaparte’s carriage had passed, but before Josephine’s came up; which being the subject of conversation in a miscellaneous company in England, some one asked what they were talking of. “Nothing material,” answered a wit; “only a _blow up_ between the First Consul and his wife.”

LORD THURLOW.

Lord Thurlow, Lord Chancellor of England, was one of the sternest, and, at the same time, most tempestuous men that ever lived. A mace-bearer, who had attended him for years in awful silence, one day thought he perceived something like a bright streak of good humour enter the lurid horizon of his lordship’s face, and ventured to simper out, “My lord, there is a fine day.” “Damn you and the day too!” thundered out the black-browed chancellor.

CONJECTURAL KNOWLEDGE.

The following brief, but pithy dialogue, occurred on the Epsom road, between a Cockney and a countryman:--

_Cockney._ I say, Bill, my good fellow, vich is the way to Epsom.

_Countryman._ How did you know that my name was Bill?

_Cockney._ Vy, I guessed it.

_Countryman._ But how do you know that I was a good fellow?

_Cockney._ Vy, I guessed it.

_Countryman._ Then, guess the way to Epsom.

JAMES THE SECOND’S SINGLE GOOD THING.

There is but one instance on record of James II. uttering an expression of wit or humour, and, strange to say, that would appear to have been expressed from him by the weight of his sorrows at the Revolution. During the advance of the Prince of Orange towards London, as, morning after morning, some leading man or other was found to have left the king’s camp during the night, and gone over to the Liberator, the Prince of Denmark used to exclaim, as each successive instance was related to his majesty, “Est il possible?” (Is it possible?) as if he could not believe there was so much treachery in human nature. At length, the good Prince of Denmark found it necessary, with his wife Anne, to follow the example of those well-principled persons: James remarked, when told of it in the morning, “What! is Est-il-possible gone too!”

PROOF.

A woman, suspected of having given poison to her husband, was apprehended by the constable. The man certainly looked very ill; yet, as there was no direct proof, and as, above all things, he had not died, there was some probability in her favour. Mr. Constable was sadly puzzled between the pro and con; and was at last fairly driven from the field by the following appeal from the weeping lady:--“I never gave him any thing to hurt him: only _open_ him, and you will see how false it is!”

DR. FRIEND.

Dr. Friend, coming home after having got himself highly praised at a dinner party, was called out to see a lady taken dangerously ill. With some difficulty he went, or rather was led, to the bedside of the patient; where, holding fast by a bed-post with one hand, he seized with the other the lady’s wrist; but all attempts to note the pulsations were vain, and he could only mumble out, “Drunk, by Jove! Drunk!” “Oh, madam,” cried the waiting-maid, as soon as the physician was gone, “what a wonderful man! How soon he discovered what was the matter with you!”

SIR RICHARD JEBB.

This eminent physician was a man of impatient, irritable temper, and, when bored with the querulous complaints of some of his patients, could hardly ever force himself to return a civil answer. Sometimes his irritability led him to explode in a furious anathema, mingled with horrible oaths; sometimes he assumed a tone of quiet but severe sarcasm. A troublesome patient, who only fancied himself ill, pestered him one day with inquiries as to what he should eat. “My directions on that point,” said Sir Richard, “will be few and simple: You must not eat the shovel, poker, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, for they are windy; but _any thing else you please_!”

BEST UPPER LEATHER.

The following _sound_ advice occurs in an almanack:--“If you wish to have a shoe of durable materials, you should make the upper leather of the mouth of a hard drinker; for that never lets in water.”

DÆDALUS.

A fellow once brought a vast number of people together in London by giving out that, on a certain day, he would fly over Westminster Hall, in the manner of Icarus. One of the crowd, waiting for this sight on Westminster Bridge, inquired of a neighbour, “Pray, who was Icarus?” to which the reply was, “The son of _Diddle-us_, I believe.”

DR. RADCLIFFE.