English as she is spoke; or, a jest in sober earnest

Chapter 1

Chapter 13,587 wordsPublic domain

English As She is Spoke:

A Jest in Sober Earnest.

No. I.

The Parchment Paper Series.

_English As She is Spoke._

"EXCRUCIATINGLY FUNNY," says _The World_, is "English as she is Spoke, or a Jest in Sober thought."

"EVERY one who loves a laugh," says _Fun_, "should either buy, beg, borrow, or--we had almost said steal--this book; for in sober earnest we aver that it is not given to every one to 'jest so.'"

English As She is Spoke:

A Jest in Sober Earnest.

With an Introduction by

JAMES MILLINGTON.

***

New York: D. Appleton & Co., 1, 3, & 5 Bond Street.

1884.

* Introduction *

_FROM_ the time of Shakspere downwards, wits and authors innumerable have made themselves and the public more or less merry at the expense of the earlier efforts of the student of a strange tongue; but it has been reserved to our own time for a _soi disant_ instructor to perpetrate--at his own expense--the monstrous joke of publishing a Guide to Conversation in a language of which it is only too evident that every word is utterly strange to him. The Teutonic sage who evolved the ideal portrait of an elephant from his "inner consciousness" was a commonplace, matter-of fact person compared with the daring visionary who conjures up a complete system of language from the same fertile but untrustworthy source. The piquancy of Senhor Pedro Carolino's _New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English_ is enhanced by the evident _bona fides_ and careful compilation of "the little book," or as Pedro himself gravely expresses it, "for the care what we wrote him, and for her typographical correction."

In short, the _New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English_ was written with serious intent, and for the purpose of initiating Portuguese students into the mysteries of the English language. The earlier portions of the book are divided into three columns, the first giving the Portuguese; the second what, in the opinion of the author, is the English equivalent; and the third the English equivalent phonetically spelt, so that the tyro may at the same time master our barbarous phraseology and the pronunciation thereof. In the second part of the work the learner is supposed to have sufficiently mastered the pronunciation of the English language, to be left to his own devices.

A little consideration of the shaping of our author's English phrases leads to the conclusion that the materials used have been a Portuguese-French phrase-book and a French-English dictionary. With these slight impedimenta has the daring Lusitanian ventured upon the unknown deep of a strange language, and the result, to quote again from the Preface, "May be worth the acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the Youth, at which we dedicate him particularly," but will at all events contribute not a little to the Youth's hilarity.

To begin with the vocabulary; it is perhaps hardly fair to expect a professor of languages to trouble himself with "Degrees of Kindred," still, such titles as "Gossip mistress, a relation, an relation, a guardian, an guardian, the quatergrandfather, the quater-grandmother," require some slight elucidation, and passing over the catalogue of articles of dress which are denominated "Objects of Man" and "Woman Objects," one may take exception to "crumbs" and "groceries," which are inserted among plates and cruets as ordinary table garniture.

Among what are denominated "Eatings" we find "some wigs," "a dainty dishes," "a mutton shoulder," "a little mine," "hog-fat," and "an amelet": the _menu_ is scarcely appetising, especially when among "Fishes and Shellfishes" our Portuguese Lucullus sets down the "hedgehog," "snail," and "wolf." After this such trifles as "starch" arranged under the heading of "Metals and Minerals," and "brick" and "whitelead" under that of "Common Stones" fall almost flat; but one would like to be initiated into the mysteries of "gleek," "carousal," and "keel," which are gravely asserted to be "Games." Among "Chivalry Orders" one has a glimmering of what is intended by "Saint Michaelmas" and "Very-Merit"; but under the heading of "Degrees," although by a slight exercise of the imagination we can picture to ourselves "a quater master," "a general to galeries," or even a "vessel captain," we are entirely nonplussed by "a harbinger" and "a parapet."

Passing on to "Familiar Phrases," most of which appear to be old friends with new faces, Senhor Carolino's literal cribs from the French become more and more apparent, in spite of his boast in the Preface of being "clean of gallicisms and despoiled phrases." "Apply you at the study during that you are young" is doubtless an excellent precept, and as he remarks further on "How do you can it to deny"; but study may be misdirected, and in the moral, no less than in the material world, it is useful to know. "That are the dishes whom you must be and to abstain"; while the meaning of "This girl have a beauty edge" is scarcely clear unless it relates to the preternatural acuteness of the fair sex in these days of board schools and woman's rights.

Further on the conversationalist appears to get into rough company, and we find him remarking "He laughs at my nose, he jest by me," gallicé "_Il me rit au nez, il se moque de moi_"; "He has me take out my hairs," "He does me some kicks," "He has scratch the face with hers nails," all doubtless painfully translated with the assistance of a French-English dictionary from "_Il m'a arraché les cheveux_," "_Il me donne des coups-de-pied_," "_Il m'a lacere la figure de ses ongles_." It is noticeable that our instructor as a rule endeavours to make the possessive pronoun agree with the substantive in number and gender in orthodox Portuguese fashion, and that like a true grammatical patriot he insists upon the substantive having the same gender as in his native tongue; therefore "_às unhas_" must be rendered "hers nails" and "_vóssas civilidádes_" "yours civilities." By this time no one will be disposed to contradict our inimitable Pedro when he remarks "_E factéo_" giving the translation as "He has the word for to laugh," a construction bearing a suspicious resemblance to "_Il a le mot pour rire._" "He do the devil at four" has no reference to an artful scheme for circumventing the Archfiend at a stated hour, but is merely a simulacrum of the well-known gallic idiomatic expression "_Il fait le diable à quatre._" Truly this is excellent fooling; _Punch_ in his wildest humour, backed by the whole colony of Leicester Square, could not produce funnier English. "He burns one's self the brains," "He was fighted in duel," "They fight one's selfs together," "He do want to fall," would be more intelligible if less picturesque in their original form of "_Il se brûle la cervelle_," "_Il s'cet battu en duel_," "_lis se battent ensemble_," "_Il manque de tomber_." The comic vein running through the "Familiar Phrases" is so inexhaustible that space forbids further quotation from this portion of the book, which may be appropriately closed with "Help to a little most the better yours terms," a mysterious adjuration, which a reference to the original Portuguese leads one to suppose may be a daring guess at "_Choisissez un pen mieux vos paroles_."

In the second part, entitled "Familiar Dialogues," the fun grows fast and furious. Let us accompany our mad wag upon "The walk." "You hear the bird's gurgling?" he enquires, and then rapturously exclaims "Which pleasure! which charm! The field has by me a thousand charms"; after this, to the question "Are you hunter? Will you go to the hunting in one day this week?" he responds "Willingly; I have not a most pleasure in the world. There is some game on they cantons." Proceeding from "game" to "gaming" we soon run aground upon the word "_jeu_," which as we know does duty in French both for a game and a pack of cards. "At what pack will you that we does play?" "To the cards." Of course this is "_A quel Jeu voulez vous que nous Jouions?_" "_Aux cartes_;" and further on "This time I have a great deal pack," "_Cette fois j'ai un jeu excellent!_"

Now let us listen to our friend at his tailor's: his greeting is perky--almost slangy. "Can you do me a coat?" he enquires, but quickly drivels down to "What cloth will you do to?" and then to the question "What will you to double (_doubler_) the coat?" obtains the satisfactory answer "From something of duration. I believe to you that." After requesting to have his garment "The rather that be possible," he overwhelms the procrastinating man of cloth with the stern remark "You have me done to expect too," evidently a bold version of "_Vous m' avez fait trop attendre_," which draws forth the natural excuse "I did can't to come rather." Passing by a number of good things which one would like to analyse if space permitted, we arrive at "For to ride a horse," a fine little bit of word painting almost Carlylean in its grotesqueness. "Here is a horse who have a bad looks. He not sail know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is unshoed, he is with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier." "Let us prick (_piquons_) go us more fast, never I was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to bring forward neither put back." "Strek him the bridle," cries the horsedealer, "Hold him the rein sharters." "Pique stron gly, make to marsh him." "I have pricked him enough. But I can't to make marsh him," replies the indignant client. "Go down, I shall make marsh," declares the dealer; upon which the incensed equestrian rejoins "Take care that he not give you a foot kicks," and the "coper" sardonically but somewhat incoherently concludes with "Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix."

After the "Familiar Dialogues" we come upon a series of letters from celebrated personages, who would be puzzled to recognize themselves in their new dresses; and a collection of anecdotes which may be taken singly after dinner as a gentle promoter of digestion; the whole being appropriately concluded with "Idiotisms and Proverbs," between which it must be confessed the distinction is purely imaginary; the following are a few gems: "Its are some blu stories" (_contes bleus_); "Nothing some money, nothing some Swiss," "He sin in trouble water" (confusion of _pécher_ and _pêcher_). "A horse baared don't look him the tooth," "The stone as roll not heap up not foam," _mousse_ meaning both foam and moss, of course the wrong meaning is essential to a good "idiotism." "To force to forge, becomes smith" (_a force de forger on devient forgeron_). "To craunch the marmoset" and "To fatten the foot" may terminate the list, and are incontestably more idiotic, although scarcely so idiomatic as "_Croquer le marmot_" and "_Graisser lapatte_."

The column in Portuguese which runs throughout the original work is omitted, and only a sufficient number of the English extracts are culled to enable the reader to form a just idea of the unintentionally humorous style that an author may fall into who attempts to follow the intricacies of "English as she is spoke" by the aid of a French dictionary and a phrasebook.

It is to be trusted the eccentric "Guide" to which this short sketch is intended to serve as Introduction--and, so far as may be, elucidation--is not a fair specimen of Portuguese or Brazilian educational literature; if such be the case the schoolmaster is indeed "abroad," and one may justly fear that his instruction--to quote once more the Preface--"only will be for to accustom the Portuguese pupils, or foreign, to speak very bad any of the mentioned idioms."

***

Preface.

[Author's]

_A CHOICE of_ familiar dialogues, _clean of gallicisms, and despoiled phrases, it was missing yet to studious Portuguese and brazilian Youth; and also to persons of others nations, that wish to know the Portuguese language. We sought all we may do, to correct that want, composing and divising the present little work in two parts. The first includes a greatest vocabulary proper names by alphabetical order; and the second forty three_ Dialogues _adapted to the usual precisions of the life. For that reason we did put, with a scrupulous exactness, a great variety own expressions to english and Portuguese idioms; without to attach us selves (as make some others) almost at a literal translation; translation what only will be for to accustom the Portuguese pupils, or-foreign, to speak very bad any of the mentioned idioms._

_We were increasing this second edition with a phraseology, in the first part, and some familiar letters, anecdotes, idiotisms, proverbs, and to second a coin's index._

_The_ Works _which we were confering for this labour, fond use us for nothing; but those what were publishing to Portugal, or out, they were almost all composed for some foreign, or for some national little acquainted in the spirit of both languages. It was resulting from that carelessness to rest these_ Works _fill of imperfections, and anomalies of style; in spite of the infinite typographical faults which some times, invert the sense of the periods. It increase not to contain any of those_ Works _the figured pronunciation of the english words, nor the prosodical accent in the Portuguese; indispensable object whom wish to speak the english and Portuguese languages correctly._

_We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him, and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the Youth, at which we dedicate him particularly._

***

_English as she is spoke._

Of the Man.

The Brain | The inferior lip The brains | The superior lip The fat of the Leg | The marrow The ham | The reins

Defects of the body.

A blind | A left handed A lame | An ugly A bald | A squint-eyed A deaf

Degrees of kindred.

Trades.

Objects of man.

The boots | The lining The buckles | The clogs The buttons-holes | The wig The buskins | the morning-gown, night-gown

Woman objects.

The busk | The paint or disguise The sash | The spindle The conet | The patches The pumps | The skate

Servants.

Coochmann | Spendth Running footman | Business-man Groome.

Diseases.

The apoplexy | The megrime The scrofulas | The whitlow The melancholy | The rheumatisme The vomitory.

Parties a Town.

The butchery | The low eating house The cause-way | The obelis-ks The sink | The prison, geol

Kitchen utensils.

The skimming-dish | The spark The potlid | The fire The pothanger | The smoke The spunge | The clout The jack.

Of the bed.

The bed wood | The feet's bed The bed battom | The pillar's bed The head's bed.

For the table.

Some knifes | Some groceries Some crumb.

Eatings.

Seasonings.

Some wing | Some pinions Some cinnamon | Some hog'slard Some oranges | Some verjuice

Drinkings.

Some orgeat | Some paltry wine Some sirup or sirop

Quadruped's beasts.

Birds.

Becafico | Heuth-cock Calander | Whoop Stor | Pea cock Yeung turkey | Pinch Red-Breast, a robin

Insects-reptiles.

Asp, aspic | Fly Morpion | Butter fly Serpent.

Fishes and shell-fishes.

Calamary | Large lobster Dorado | Snail A sorte of fish | Wolf Hedge hog | Torpedo Sea-calf.

Trees.

Lote-tree lotos | Service-tree Chest nut-tree | Jujube-tree Linden-tree.

Flowers.

Anemony | Mil-foils Blue-bottle | Hink Turnsol.

Hunting.

Hunting dog | Picker Relay dog | Gun-powder Hound dog | Priming-powder Hound's fee | Hunts man

Colours.

White | Gridelin Cray | Musk Red.

Metals and minerals.

Starch | Latten Cooper | Plaster Vitriole

Common stones.

Loadstones | White lead Brick | Gum-stone

Weights.

Counterpoise | An obole A pound an half | A quater ounce.

Games.

Football-ball | Pile Bar | Mall Gleek | Even or non even Carousal | Keel

Perfumes.

Benzion | Pomatum Perfume paw | Storax

On the church.

The sides of the nef | The little cellal The holywater-pot | The boby of the church

Solemn-feasts.

The Deads-day | The Vigil The Twelfth-Dat | The Visitation

Ecclesiastical dignities.

Incumbent | General of an order Canon | Penitentiary Canoness | Theologist Chanter, a clerk | General curate

Chivalry orders.

Black eagle | Elephant Avis, advice | Honour Legion Calatrava | Saint Michaelmas Very-merit.

Degrees.

Military objects.

The bait. | The fire pan An arquebuse | A bomb ketch A bandoleer | The military case A fusil, a gun.

Music's instruments.

A flagelet | A dreum A hurdy-gurdy.

Chastisements.

A fine | To break upon Honourable fine | To tear off the flesh To draw to four horses

***

Familiar Phrases.

Go to send for. Have you say that? Have you understand that he says? At what purpose have say so? Put your confidence at my. At what o'clock dine him? Apply you at the study during that you are young. Dress your hairs. Sing an area. These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth. How do you can it to deny? Wax my shoes. That is that I have think. That are the dishes whose you must be and to abstain. This meat ist not too over do. This ink is white. This room is filled of bugs. This girl have a beauty edge. It is a noise which to cleave the head. This wood is fill of thief's. Tell me, it can one to know? Give me some good milk newly get out. To morrow hi shall be entirely (her master) or unoccupied. She do not that to talk and to cackle. Dry this wine. He laughs at my nose, he jest by me. He has spit in my coat. He has me take out my hairs. He does me some kicks. He has scratch the face with hers nails. He burns one's self the brains. He is valuable his weight's gold. He has the word for to laugh. He do the devil at four. He make to weep the room. He was fighted in duel. They fight one's selfs together. He do want to fall. It must never to laugh of the unhappies. He was wanting to be killed. I am confused all yours civilities. I am catched cold. I not make what to coughand spit. Never I have feeld a such heat Till say-us? Till hither. I have put my stockings outward. I have croped the candle. I have mind to vomit. I will not to sleep on street. I am catched cold in the brain. I am pinking me with a pin. I dead myself in envy to see her. I take a broth all morning. I shall not tell you than two woods. Have you understanded? Let him have know? Have you understand they? Do you know they? Do you know they to? The storm is go over. The sun begins to dissipe it. Witch prefer you? The paving stone is sliphery. The thunderbolt is falling down. The rose-trees begins to button. The ears are too length. The hands itch at him. Have you forgeted me? Lay him hir apron. Help-to a little most the better yours terms. Dont you are awaken yet? That should must me to cost my life. We are in the canicule. No budge you there. Do not might one's understand to speak. Where are their stockings, their shoes, her shirt and her petlicot? One's can to believe you? One's find-modest the young men rarely. If can't to please at every one's. Take that boy and whip him to much. Take attention to cut you self. Take care to dirt you self. Dress my horse. Since you not go out, I shall go out nor I neither. That may dead if I lie you. What is it who want you? Why you no helps me to? Upon my live. All trees have very deal bear. A throat's ill. You shall catch cold one's. You make grins. Will some mutton? Will you fat or slight? Will you this? Will you a bon? You not make who to babble. You not make that to prate all day's work. You interompt me. You mistake you self heavily. You come too rare.

_End First Part's_

***

Familiar Dialogues

_For to wish the good morning._

How does your father do? He is very well. I am very delight of it. Were is it? I shall come back soon, I was no came that to know how you are.

_For make a visit in the morning._

Is your master at home? Yes, sir. Is it up. No, sir, he sleep yet. I go make that he get up. It come in one's? How is it, you are in bed yet? Yesterday at evening, I was to bed so late that I may not rising me soon that morning. Well! what you have done after the supper? We have sung, danced, laugh and played. What game? To the picket. Whom I am sorry do not have know it! Who have prevailed upon? I had gained ten lewis. Till at what o'clock its had play one? Un till two o'clock after mid night. At what o'clock are you go to bed. Half pass three. I am no astonished if you get up so late. What o'clock is it? What o'clock you think is it? I think is not yet eight o'clock. How is that, eight 'clock! it is ten 'clock struck. It must then what I rise me quickly. Adieu, my deer, I leave you. If can to see you at six clock to the hotel from ***, we swill dine togetter. Willingly. Good by.

_For to dress him self._