Chapter 4

"O monks, ye reverend drones, your guts Of wine are but so many buts; You are, God knows (who can abide ye?) Of plagues the rankest, _bona fide_!"

[Footnote 1: Juvenal.] [[_Satire_ II. 24.]]

[[Footnote 1a: Horace, _Odes_ I.xxxvii.1-4.]]

[[Footnote 1b: Horace, _Odes_ II.xiv.25-28.]]

CHAP. XI.

OF POPES, SAINTS, AND BISHOPS, THAT USED TO GET DRUNK.

After having spoken of the drunkenness of churchmen in general, it will not, perhaps, be a thing altogether needless, to put the whole in the clearest light, to confirm what has been said, by the example of Popes, Saints, and Bishops, who have practised that laudable custom of getting drunk.

A little song, mentioned by H. Stephens, in his apology for Herodotus, affords matter of speculation in relation to the sobriety of sovereign pontiffs.

"Le Pape qui est a Rome, Boit du vin comme un autre homme Et de l'Hypocras aussi."

The Pope at Rome, his holiness, Of wine drinks many a hearty glass, And pleasant Hypocras also, As any other man I trow.

If one reads over the popes lives, we shall be fully convinced that these holy fathers were no enemies to wine. Alexander the Fifth was a great drinker, and that too of strong wines, says his own historian, Theoderic de Neim. If one may give any credit to the letters of the king of Spain's ambassador to his master, Sixtus Quintus was a terrible drunkard[1].

And Pope Boniface instituted indulgencies for those who should drink a cup after grace (called since St. Boniface's cup). A plain argument that his sanctity did not hate wine.

This puts me in my mind of what I have formerly read, though the author's name is now slipped out of my memory, that when cardinal Pignatelli, afterwards Innocent the Twelfth, was advanced to the papacy, his name signifying little pots or mugs, three of which he bore for his arms; and whose mother was of the house of Caraffa, which signifies a jug, a Frenchman made these lines:--

"Nous devons tous boire en repos Sous le regne de ce saint pere Son nom ses armes sont des pots Une Caraffe etoit sa mere. Celebrons donc avec eclat Cet auguste Pontificat."

Under this holy father's reign Hang sorrow, let us ne'er complain; I think all of us should turn sots, And fuddle with one another, His name, and so his arms, are pots, And a gallon pot was his mother; Then let us brightly celebrate This most august Pontificate.

In the main, this is nothing but a little punning or playing with words, but it is one of those agreeable trifles that may now and then be worth our thinking on.

One may add to the number of such popes as loved fuddling, all those who sat at Avignon; for if we believe Petrarch[2], the long residence that the court of Rome made at Avignon, was only to taste the good French wines; and that it was merely on that account they stayed so long in Provence, and removed with so much reluctance.

Let us now pass on to Saints and Bishops. I shall only instance one of each, because I hate prolixity. The first Saint that presents himself to me, is the renowned St. Augustin, who himself owns, that he used to get drunk sometimes. _Crapula autem nonnunquam surrepit servo tuo misereberis ut longe fiat a me._ Thy servant has been sometimes crop-sick through excess of wine, have mercy on me, that it may be ever far from me. It is true, [3]M. Cousin maintains against my author, M. Petit, the Journal des Scavans, of the year 1689, 27th June, that St. Augustin, however, never got drunk. The arguments on both sides you may find in Bayle's Dictionary, under the article Augustin. But yet there are somewhere in St. Augustin these words, viz. My soul certainly being a spirit cannot dwell in a dry place. _Anima mea certe quia spiritus est, in sicco habitare non potest._

I shall make no comment upon these words, only insert one already made, which I take from M. Duchat in his Remarks on Rabelais[4]. On these words of Saint Augustin, says he, mentioned in the second part of the Decretals, caus. 32, q. 2, c. 9, the commentator says, "And this is an argument for the Normans, English, and Poles, that they may drink largely, that the soul may not live in the dry. _Et est argumentum pro Normannis, Anglicis, et Polonis, ut possint fortiter bibere, ne anima habitet in sicco._ To which Peter Chatelain, a Flemish physician, made this pleasant addition, It is very probable, that the commentator was an entire stranger to the nature of the Flemings. _Verisimile est glossatorem ignorasse naturam Belgarum._"

And, perhaps, this argument from St. Augustine's words, is as just as one of a merry fellow I knew, who would prove, from St. Paul's going to the Three Taverns[5], That he loved a hearty bottle.

Amongst the Bishops, I cannot instance a more illustrious example of a great drinker than that of Pontus de Thiard. We are told[6], "That this gentleman, after having repented of the sins of his youth, came to be bishop of Chalons sur Soane; but, however, he did not renounce the power of drinking heartily, which seemed then inseparable from the quality of a good poet. He had a stomach big enough to empty the largest cellar; and the best wines of Burgundy were too gross for the subtility of the fire which devoured him. Every night, at going to bed, besides the ordinary doses of the day, in which he would not suffer the least drop of water, he used to drink a bottle before he slept. He enjoyed a strong, robust, and vigorous health; to the age of fourscore.

[Footnote 1: Thuan. p. 447.]

[Footnote 2: Perron, p. 387.]

[Footnote 3: Petit Nepaenth, p. 137.]

[Footnote 4: Liv. i. ch. 5.]

[Footnote 5: Acts, cap. xxviii. v. 15.]

[Footnote 6: Rep. des Lett. Febr. 1687, art. 7.]

CHAP. XII.

A CATALOGUE OF SOME ILLUSTRIOUS TOPERS.

Since, according to Horace's observation, every one conforms himself to the example of the prince.

"Regis ad exemplum totus componitur orbis."[a]

And that, according to Seneca's maxim, one must regulate one's conduct by illustrious models.

"Vita est instituenda illustribus exemplis."

It must not be wondered at that people so generally get drunk, since in this they follow the examples of great kings, amongst whom are very few that this verse of Ovid, which Guy Patin applied to Naudaeus and Gassendi, agrees with[1].

"Vina fugit gaudetque meris abstemius undis."[1a]

Flies wine abstemious, but the limpid stream, Pure and unmixed, his thirsty heat subdues.

And, perhaps, this is the reason, why in comedies they bestow crowns to those that are drunk.

Quid ego video PS. Cum corona ebrium pseudolum meum[2].

And in Amphytrion, Mercury says,

Ibo inter et capiam ornatum qui potius decet.[2a]

"I'll go in and take the ornament which better becomes me." For he had said a little before,

Capiam coronam in caput, assimulabo me esse ebrium.[2a]

I'll put a crown upon my head, and feign myself drunk.

Lipsius[3] furnished me with these examples.

But I should never have done, if I endeavoured to give a list of all the kings that got drunk.

"Quorum si nomina quaeras Promptius expediam quot amaverat Hippia maechos, Quot themison aegros autumno occiderat uno[4]."

Whose names, if you require, With greater expedition could I tell, To Hippia's lust how many prostrate fell; How many only in one autumn died, By doctors, and their slip-slops ill applied.

I shall content myself, therefore, to instance some of the most illustrious, as they come into my mind, without observing any certain order.

Alexander the Great first offers himself to my imagination. It will be sufficient to mention his name, without saying any more. _Nomen non amplius addam._

Caesar, to make use of Balzac's words, was not always the sober destroyer of the commonwealth, and he did not at all times hate the pleasure of drinking.

Cambyses was also very much given to wine, as may be judged by what I am going to say. This prince, having been told by one of his courtiers, That the people took notice he got drunk too often, taking, some time after, his bow and arrow, shot the son of that courtier through the heart, saying no more than this to the father, Is this the act of a drunkard?

Darius, the first king of Persia, had these words put upon his tomb:--

Vinum multum bibere potui idque perferre.

I could drink much wine and bear it well.

King Antigonus may come in here. AElian reports of this prince, That one day when he was much in drink, meeting Zeno the philosopher, whom he had a great kindness for, he kissed him, and promised to give him whatever he would desire. Zeno only answered very mildly, Go and ease your stomach by vomiting, that's all I ask of you at present.

Philip, king of Macedon, got drunk sometimes; witness what a woman, whom he had not done justice to, said to him, viz. I appeal from Philip drunk, to Philip when sober.

Dionysius[5] the younger, tyrant of Sicily, was sometimes drunk for nine days successively; he drank himself almost blind, and the lords of his court, to flatter him, pretended they themselves could scarce see, so that they neither eat nor drank but what he reached to them.

Tiberius was called Biberius, because of his excessive attachment to drinking; and, in derision, they changed his surname of Nero into Mero.

Bonosus was a terrible drinker, if one may give any credit to his own historian, Flavius Vopiscus. He used to make ambassadors, that came to him from foreign powers, drunk, in order, by that means, to discover their secret instructions.

Maximin[6], the father, drank very often a pot containing two gallons. One might very well, therefore, have given him this epitaph:--

Hic jacet amphora vini.

Trajan and Nerva, those excellent princes, took sometimes a pleasure in getting drunk.

Galerius Maximinus, who, according to Aurelius Victor, was a prince of sweet temper, and loved men of probity and letters, had a very great passion for wine, and frequently got drunk. Having once given orders when he was in this condition, which he repented of when sober, he solemnly forbad any one to obey such orders that he should give when he should get drunk for the future.

[[Footnote a: Claudian, _De Quarto Consulatu Honorii Augusti_ (VIII) 300.]]

[Footnote 1: Esprit de Pat. p. 22.]

[[Footnote 1a: Ovid, _Metamosphoses_ XV.323.]]

[Footnote 2: Plautus.] [[_Pseudolus_ 1286-87.]]

[[Footnote 2a: Plautus, _Amphitryon_ 1007; _Amphitryon_ 999.]]

[Footnote 3: Ant. Lect. lib. iii.]

[Footnote 4: Juvenal, satire x. v. 220.] [[i.e. 219-221.]]

[Footnote 5: AElian, chap. 6.]

[Footnote 6: J. Capitolin.]

CHAP. XIII.

OF PHILOSOPHERS THAT USED TO GET DRUNK.

Though the example and authority of Philosophers prove nothing, yet one must not imagine with Boileau,

"---------------- Que sans Aristote, La raison ne voit goute, et le bon sens redote."

That reason, void of Aristotle's rule, Insipid grows, good sense a doating fool.

It is, however, very true, that we shall find ourselves wonderfully disposed to get fuddled, when we consider that those of antiquity, for whom we have most respect and veneration, have made no manner of difficulty to get drunk sometimes, and have praised drunkenness not only by their actions but discourse. This I am going plainly to make appear. I begin with the Seven Sages of Greece, who were acknowledged as such by all antiquity. These philosophers did not look upon drunkenness as a thing incompatible with virtue, of which they made strict profession. History tells us, that they drank largely at the entertainment Periander the Tyrant, or king of Corinth, gave them.

Solon, that famous, yet so rigid, legislator of the Athenians, composed a song in the praise of wine, in which he introduced Venus and the Muses. Seneca is of opinion, that he was suspected to be as much given to wine as Arcesilaus. And M. Chevreau[1] observes very well, that "The wisdom of Solon was not of such an austerity as to frighten people, when he said, That the ladies, wine, and the Muses, were the pleasures of human life."

Zeno, whose philosophy was so severe, got, notwithstanding, drunk sometimes. Being one day at an entertainment, he was asked how he came to be so joyful, he answered, that he was like lupins, which were bitter naturally, but grew sweet after they were moistened.

Socrates, whom the oracle declared the wisest man of Greece, was, in like manner, a very great drinker. M. Charpentier, in his Life, tells us, That though he did not love to drink, yet when he was forced to it, no one could come up to him; and that he had this wonderful happiness, as not afterwards to find himself incommoded by it.

Cato, that hero of stoicism, got drunk sometimes, in order to relax his mind, fatigued with the cares of public employment. These are the very words of Seneca, Cato _vino laxabat animum curis publicis fatigatum_. And the same author says elsewhere, that "People reproached Cato with drunkenness, but that reproach was rather an honour to him than otherwise." _Catoni ebrietas objecta est, et facilius efficiet quisquis objecerit honestum quam turpem Catonem._ Horace gives us the same idea of the great Cato, in these words:--

"Narratur et prisci Catonis Saepe mero caluisse virtus."[1a]

Tradition tells, that oftentimes with wine, Ev'n Cato's virtue moisten'd, shone divine.

If one knew the Scythian philosopher Anacharsis no otherwise than by his apophthegms against wine and drunkenness, one would take him for the soberest man in the world, but we know very well that his theory varied very much upon this point, and no way agreed with his practice. One day above the rest, having got drunk at an entertainment given by Lybis, brother to Pittacus, he demanded the prize that was to be given to the greatest drinker. With which action, when he was afterwards reproached, he replied, "Can a man better signalize himself in battle than by glorious wounds? and at table, than with that gaiety you call drunkenness? Did not Homer, the wisest of your poets, make not only Agamemnon drunk, but Jupiter too, and made nectar flow in full goblets at the table of the Gods[2]?" AElian[3] also tells us, that this philosopher drank largely at Periander's feasts, and alleged for an excuse, That to drink a great deal was essential to the Scythians.

Plato, another hero of antiquity, not only permitted, but commanded, that people should get drunk at some certain times. To prove what I say, one has no more to do than to read his laws.

Seneca, who was so severe a philosopher, at least his rigid precepts would make one think him so, thought it no harm now and then to get drunk, and ranges drunkenness amongst the means he prescribes to maintain the strength and vigour of the mind. I have quoted what he says in this respect in the first and second chapter of this work.

The philosopher Arcesilaus, who lived about the 120th Olympiad, might be reckoned amongst those who loved wine, since he died by drinking too much of it unmixed. A greater, and more convincing proof of his sincere love to the creature could not be given.

For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, The devil's in him if he feigns[4].

Xenocrates[5], one of the most illustrious philosophers of ancient Greece, and of a virtue very rigid and severe, got drunk sometimes. AElian has put his name into the catalogue of those who loved drinking, and could bear a good deal of liquor. Athenaeus, says this philosopher, gained the crown of gold which the tyrant of Syracuse had promised him that should empty a certain measure of wine. Diogenes Laertius confirms this last particular. "He had moreover acquired such an empire over his passions, that a very beautiful courtesan (Phryne) who had laid a wager she could subdue his virtue, lost it, though she had the liberty to lie with him, and use all her little toyings to incite him to enjoy her." You see here (adds Mr. Bayle) a triumph as remarkable as that of S. Aldhelme, and some other canonized saints, who came off victorious on such attacks.

Cicero[6] assures us, That Stilpo of Megera, the philosopher, a man of much wit and ability for the times he lived in, loved wine as well as women; and, that his friends wrote this of him in his praise, and not dishonour.

Athenaeus says, That the philosophers Lacides and Timon, once upon a time, past two whole days successively in drinking. AElian puts their names into his catalogue of hard drinkers; to which he adds Amasis, the lawgiver of the Egyptians.

Chrysippus the philosopher, native of Solos, a town of Cilicia, or of Tharsus, according to others, got drunk pretty often. It is said, That some of his disciples having prevailed upon him to come to a sacrifice, he drank so much pure wine, that he died five days afterwards. There are other authors, however, will have it, that he died of immoderate laughter, seeing an ass eat figs out of a dish, and upon which he commanded they should give him drink.

[Footnote 1: Solonem et Arcesilaum credunt indulsisse vino.]

[[Footnote 1a: Horace, _Odes_ III.xxi.11-12.]]

[Footnote 2: Hist. Sep. Sap.]

[Footnote 3: Lib. ii. 2.]

[Footnote 4: Hudibras.]

[Footnote 5: Bayle Dict. Art. Xenoc.]

[Footnote 6: Lib. de Fab.]

CHAP. XIV.

OF POETS THAT USED TO GET DRUNK.

As wine is the poet's great horse, so it must not be wondered at, that the major part of them fuddle their noses; for, in reality, they cannot properly be said to be mounted on their great horses, till they have drunk pretty heartily. These gentlemen speak then on horseback, for the discourse of poets is quite opposite to that of orators, which Horace says, is a discourse on foot[1], but when they drink nothing we can only say, that they are mounted upon.

The attachment that Homer had to wine, appears in the frequent eulogiums he gives that liquor. And if we examine Anacreon never so little, we shall find his inclinations, as well as his verses, were divided between wine and love. As much delicacy and fine turns as one finds in his works, an honest man cannot see without indignation, but that they tend absolutely to debauch. One must drink, one must love. The moments that are not employed in the pleasures of the senses are lost. Pausanius tells us, that he saw at Athens the statue of Anacreon, which represented him drunk and singing.

The poet Philoxenus wished he had a neck as long as a crane, that he might the longer have the pleasure of swallowing wine, and enjoy its delicious taste.

Ion, the poet of Chios, was not much more sober in respect of wine, according to AElian and Euripides.

Horace must by no means be forgotten, whose satires derive from the grape their sprightfulness and gaiety.

Timocreon of Rhodes, a comic poet in the 75th Olympiad, was a great drinker. Athenaeus has given of him this epitaph:--

Multa bibens et multa vorans, mala plurima dicens Multis hic jaceo Timocreon Rhodius.

To these we may add Alceus and Eunius, of whom we have already made mention; but what signifies this enumeration, since it is most certain, that almost all the poets in the world, of all ages, got drunk, which puts them under the protection of Bacchus. This made them heretofore in Rome celebrate once a year, in the month of March, a festival in honour to this God with solemn sacrifices. What Ovid[2] has said on this point puts the matter out of all doubt:--

"Illa dies haec est, qua te celebrare poetae Si modo non fallunt tempora, Bacche, solent, Festaque odoratis innectunt tempora sertis Et dicunt laudes ad tua vina tuas. Inter quos memini, dum me mea fata sinebant, Non invisa tibi pars ego saepe fui."

This is the day, unless the times are chang'd, That poets us'd to sing in merry lays, And with sweet garlands crown'd, promiscuous rang'd, To thy rich wines, great Bacchus, chaunt thy praise. With these gay chorists, when my fates were kind, Free, unreserv'd, to thee, immortal power! (The pleasing object fresh salutes my mind) Without disguise a part I often bore.

[Footnote 1: Sermo pedestris.]

[Footnote 2: Trist. v. 3.]

CHAP. XV.

OF FREE MASONS, AND OTHER LEARNED MEN, THAT USED TO GET DRUNK.

If what brother Eugenius Philalethes, author of Long Livers, a book dedicated to the Free Masons, says in his Preface[1] to that treatise, be true, those mystical gentlemen very well deserve a place amongst the learned. But, without entering into their peculiar jargon, or whether a man can be sacrilegiously perjured for revealing secrets when he has none, I do assure my readers, they are very great friends to the vintners. An eye-witness of this was I myself, at their late general meeting at Stationers' Hall, who having learned some of their catechism, passed my examination, paid my five shillings, and took my place accordingly.

We had a good dinner, and, to their eternal honour, the brotherhood laid about them very valiantly. They saw then their high dignity; they saw what they were, acted accordingly, and shewed themselves (what they were) men[2]. The Westphalia hams and chickens, with good plum pudding, not forgetting the delicious salmon, were plentifully sacrificed, with copious libations of wine for the consolation of the brotherhood. But whether, after a very disedifying manner their demolishing huge walls of venison pasty, be building up a spiritual house, I leave to brother Eugenius Philalethes to determine. However, to do them justice, I must own, there was no mention made of politics or religion, so well do they seem to follow the advice of that author[3]. And when the music began to play, "Let the king enjoy his own again," they were immediately reprimanded by a person of great gravity and science.

The bottle, in the mean while, went merrily about, and the following healths were begun by a great man, The King, Prince and Princess, and the Royal Family; the Church as by Law established; Prosperity to Old England under the present Administration; and Love, Liberty, and Science; which were unanimously pledged in full bumpers, attended with loud huzzas.

The faces then of the most ancient and most honourable fraternity of the Free Masons, brightened with ruddy fires; their eyes illuminated, resplendent blazed.

Well fare ye, merry hearts, thought I, hail ye illustrious topers, if liberty and freedom, ye free mortals, is your essential difference, richly distinguishes you from all others, and is, indeed, the very soul and spirit of the brotherhood, according to brother Eugenius Philalethes[4]. I know not who may be your alma mater, but undoubtedly Bacchus is your liber pater.

'Tis wine, ye Masons, makes you free, Bacchus the father is of liberty.

But leaving the Free Masons, and their invaluable secrets, for I know not what they are worth, come we now to speak of other men of learning, who loved to indulge their genius with the delicious juice of the grape. And here we need not fly to antiquity, which would swell this work into a large volume, later times will furnish us with many a bright example. _Non semper confugiamus ad vetera._

A man of learning, after ten or twelve hours daily study, cannot do better, than to unbend his mind in drinking plentifully of the creature; and may not such a one say to himself these verses of the French poet:--

"Dois-je mal a propos secher a faire un livre Et n'avoir pour tout fruit des peines que je prends Que la haine de sots et les mepris des grands[5]."

Why should I pass away my time in vain, And, to compose a book, dry up my brain, When all the recompense I'm like to find, For all the toil and labour of my mind, Is the unthinking silly ideot's hate, And the contempt and scorn of all the great