Chapter 3

SERGEANT HEALY (_continuing_) Well, in with me to the house without a moment's delay, and what did I see but Richard Fennell sitting in an easy chair and smoking a cigar and looking as happy an' contented as a Protestant after a meal of corn beef and cabbage on a Friday. An' the house, the Lord save us!--one would think that 'twas struck be a cyclone. The only thing that remained whole was the chair that he sat in and the decanter that fed the broken glass from which he drank the poteen. "What brings you here?" ses he, to me. An' only I had the presence of mind of clapping the handcuffs on him before I had time to answer such an impertinent question, there might be one more above in the old churchyard and one less in this court of justice. (_Sneezes_) God bless us! The story is nearly ended. (_Sneezes_) God bless us! I--(_Sneezes_) God bless us! I--(_Waits for an expected sneeze and when disappointed he says_ "Thank God!") I brought the prisoner to the barrack and have here the poteen that changed him from a law-abiding townsman into a fiend incarnate. (_The sergeant then places the bottle of poteen on the counter, looks very hard at it, pretends to faint from sudden weakness, and asks for a drink of water_) Can I have a little water, if you please? [_Several rush to assist him. There is no water in the court, and the clerk gets the kind of inspiration that the sergeant desires and fetches the poteen. He pours some out in a glass and gives it to the sergeant_.

PETER DWYER (_to the sergeant_) Try a little drop of the spirits, Sergeant, as there isn't a drop of water to be had. The plumbers are working at the pipes.

SERGEANT (_softly_) Bad luck to them for plumbers. They are always a nuisance. (_Before putting glass to his lips_) I suppose I must take it, because I am dry as a bona-fide traveller. (_He finishes it all in one drink_) It doesn't taste too bad after all, and water at its best isn't much good for one who must do a lot of talking. I'll have a little more, if you please.

MR. O'CROWLEY You can't have any more, Sergeant. That would be abusing your privilege.

SERGEANT HEALY (_softly_) Alright, your Worship. When a man's as full of the law as meself, 'tis hard to remember when he's privileged. [_The sergeant recovers and the case proceeds._

BRENNAN CASSIDY (_for Mr. Fennell_) On behalf of my client, Mr. Fennell, I wish to point out the absurdity of the charges brought against him. For no reason whatever and without a moment's warning, the sergeant rushed into his house without an invitation or observing the laws of common propriety by ringing the bell, and ruthlessly placed handcuffs on Mr. Fennell and marched him off to prison like a common felon. And not a shadow of evidence as to misbehavior against him except the statements of his wife about the breaking of some furniture. Now, let us suppose that Mr. Fennell did break the furniture. Was not that his own affair? The furniture was his property, and he could do with it as he pleased. Perhaps he did not like the manner in which it was designed, and Mr. Fennell, mistaking his aversion for things not in keeping with his artistic ideals, came to the conclusion that he was only on a voyage of destruction when he merely was proving how little of the philistine there was in his nature by removing from his home such articles as did not harmonize with his conception of the beautiful. The fact that the whole affair happened so hastily only goes to prove that Mr. Fennell has the artistic temperament.

MRS. FENNELL The artistic temperament, my dear! What next!

MR. CASSIDY The idea of doing away with the furniture, which Mr. Fennell emphatically states he disliked,--and what greater proof of the fact could we have than his action in destroying it?--came to him like an inspiration, and being a true artist he seized the opportunity, and the world was made all the lovelier by the riddance of ugly things. I think, in fact, I know that I have proved that the charge of house-breaking is absurd. (_Takes out his watch, holds it in the palm of his left hand_) This watch is mine, and if I should choose to smash it into a thousand fragments, who is there to prevent me? What power has the law over such matters? None whatever. Well, it would be just as ridiculous and absurd to punish my client for smashing his own furniture, which he purchased with his own hard earned money, as to punish me for smashing this watch if I should feel like doing so. (_Applause, which is suppressed_) To charge Mr. Fennell with drinking poteen is equally absurd. He does not know what poteen tastes like. The idea of taking a decanter and a bottle of whiskey out of any gentleman's house without his permission is tyranny of the very worst kind. It is a grievous offence in the eyes of the law as well as a breach of etiquette. What, might I ask, would happen if any of us were to break into His Worship's hotel and steal, or take if you will, some choice samples of his wines? Would we not find ourselves in a prison cell? Most assuredly we would, and what's more, our good name would be gone forever. The finger of scorn would be pointed at our children and our children's children, and posterity would never forget us.

MRS. FENNELL 'Tis only worse he's getting.

PETER DWYER Order, order.

MR. CASSIDY There is only one course for the Bench to adopt, and that is to discharge Mr. Fennell. He has already suffered enough and any one with such a ballyragging, unreasonable, unladylike, and headstrong wife deserves our sympathy.

MR. FENNELL (_with indignation_) Mr. Cassidy, sir. How dare you stand up there in my presence and insult my wife! You're no gentleman, sir. Remember when you offend my wife, you offend me. Do you hear that?

MR. O'CROWLEY This conduct is obstreperonious, Mr. Fennell. Mr. Cassidy is a gentleman, and he must not be either insulted or interrupted, while he is judiciously discharging the duties of his high office.

MRS. FENNELL (_sighs_) Oh, God help us! The world must be turned upside down when a lawyer can be a gentleman.

MR. O'CROWLEY Hold your tongue, woman, or I'll order you to be arrested for contempt of court.

MR. FENNELL The next man who says a word to my wife must fight me.

[_Buttons his coat_.

PHELAN DUFFY (_to the magistrates_) The Bench must make due allowances for the excitement of the moment.

MR. O'CROWLEY Of course, of course, Mr. Duffy, but we must not have a reoccurrence of such conduct.

MR. FENNELL Meself and herself pulled together all these long years, and I'll be damned if I'll allow any one to say a word to her.

[_Mrs. Fennell places a handkerchief to her eyes and commences to cry_.

MR. O'CROWLEY Order, order, this is a court of justice, and the case must proceed without further interruption or the strictest measures of the law will be adhered to. (_Pauses, speaks to the police_) Any one who interrupts me while I'm speaking must be ejected from the court.

SERGEANT HEALY Your Worship's orders will be obeyed.

MR. O'CROWLEY Now, it was with the greatest of interest that I have listened to the speeches pro and con for the prisoner and never before or since have I heard such logic and eloquence as was used in this court of justice to-day. I am nearly sure, in fact I'm certain, that since the days when Marcus Anthony delivered his matchless orations before the proud and haughty Egyptians, did such wisdom flow from the lips of any man. By the judicious application of words and logic we have learnt what uses can be made of the law of the land, and though our reason may convince us and our conscience too, that right is right and wrong is wrong, yet, the law's the law for all that, and we are Justices of the Peace and must respect the law and abide by it. Mr. Duffy has clearly proved to us how drink, especially bad and illegal drink, like poteen, can change a man from a law-abiding, self-respecting, and obedient husband into a demon and a housebreaker. And Mr. Cassidy has also clearly proven on the other hand how that same drink can change a man from the ordinary humdrum things of life and turn his mind to noble ideals, and make of him an artist and an inspired one at that. Now science has proved to us that in every one man there are two men,--the artist, if I might be permitted to use the term, and the house-breaker. But as the two men are only one man, and the artist is the better of the two, then to the artist let us pay our respects, and dismiss the charge of house-breaking.

MRS. FENNELL (_sadly_) Ah, God help us! The town will be full of artists when the militia comes home.

MR. O'CROWLEY The charge of house-breaking then will be dismissed, but I must impose a heavy fine and sentence for using the illegal intoxicant, poteen.

MR. CASSIDY Will your Worship be good enough before passing sentence to make sure that the liquor is poteen?

MR. O'CROWLEY We have it on the testimony of the sergeant that it is poteen.

MR. CASSIDY But with all due respect to the court, we cannot convict any one on such evidence. What does the sergeant know about poteen?

SERGEANT HEALY (_indignantly_) What do I know about poteen, is it? How dare you, sir? Was there a better maker of poteen in the County Cork than my own father, rest his soul!

MR. O'CROWLEY Now, isn't that evidence enough for you? Does the sergeant look like a man who doesn't know the difference between a good and a bad drop of whiskey?

MR. CASSIDY (_sarcastically_) I beg your Worship's pardon. But my client states that the evidence is insufficient, and if he should be convicted, he will bring the case before the Four Courts of Dublin.

SERGEANT HEALY He can bring it to the four courts of--Jericho, if he likes, but that stuff in the bottle is poteen all the same.

MARTIN O'FLYNN As Mr. Fennel is so dogmatic about this liquor not being poteen, why does he not tell us where and from whom he purchased it? (_To the sergeant_) Are you sure, Sergeant Healy, that this liquor is poteen?

SERGEANT HEALY As well as I remember the taste of it, your Worship, it is. But perhaps 'twould be better to make sure and try again.

MARTIN O'FLYNN Try again, then.

SERGEANT HEALY Very well.

[_Pours out a little and drinks it, smacks his lips, but says nothing_.

MR. O'CROWLEY Well, Sergeant, what is it?

MARTIN O'FLYNN Is it or is it not poteen?

SERGEANT HEALY I don't get the flavor of it yet.

[_Takes another drop_.

MR. O'CROWLEY What is it, Sergeant, poteen or just bad whiskey?

SERGEANT HEALY Bedad, 'tis hard to tell. Sometimes I think 'tis poteen, and sometimes I think it isn't. But whatever it is, it isn't so good as the stuff me poor father used to brew. Maybe the constable could tell us. He comes from Castletownballymacreedy, where they make the best poteen in Ireland.

_[Hands a glassful to the constable._

CONSTABLE O'RYAN (_after drinking_) There's not a shadow of a doubt about it being poteen, your Worship, and as fine a drop as I have tasted for many a long day.

MR. O'CROWLEY Are you satisfied now, Mr. Cassidy?

MR. CASSIDY I think it would be as well to have the opinion of some one else.

MR. O'CROWLEY Constable McCarthy, let you take a toothful out of that decanter and tell us what it is.

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY Though I am a League of the Cross man, I suppose as a matter of duty I must break me pledge.

[_Pours out a glassful and drinks._

MR. O'CROWLEY Well, what is it?

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY Poteen, your Worship.

MR. O'CROWLEY Now we have conclusive evidence that this liquor is poteen, and no more serious charge could be brought against any man than to be found guilty of using such obnoxious stuff by a court of justice. As with the law of nature, so with the law of the land. He who transgresses any of nature's laws gets duly punished according to the nature of his offence. And so also with the law of the country. Mr. Fennell must be punished, and his punishment must serve as an example to others and--

MR. CASSIDY I beg your Worship's pardon. We do not always get punished for disobeying the laws of nature. Nature's strongest force is self-assertion, and excessive self-assertion is vanity, and vanity is sinful, and--

MARTIN O'FLYNN You must excuse me interrupting you, Mr. Cassidy, but that train of argument cannot be followed here.

We have proved that poteen was found in the prisoner's house, and if he did not make it himself, where then did he get it from?

MR. CASSIDY Mr. Fennel emphatically denies having anything to do with the making of the liquor found on his premises. And so far it has not been proved to either his or my satisfaction that the intoxicant is poteen.

MR. O'CROWLEY Does your client mean for a moment to cast a reflection on the police of this town, and insinuate that they don't know what poteen is?

MR. CASSIDY We are not satisfied with the decision of the police, your Worship.

MR. O'CROWLEY Very well then, we'll give it a further test.

[_Gives the decanter to the clerk, Peter Dwyer._

PETER DWYER (_after tasting it_) If that's not poteen, may I never wet my lips with it again.

MR. O'CROWLEY (to _Mr. Cassidy_) Perhaps you are satisfied now.

MR. CASSIDY No, I am not.

MARTIN O'FLYNN Well, taste it yourself and tell us what it is.

MR. CASSIDY (_tastes it_) Whatever it is, it is not poteen.

MARTIN O'FLYNN (_pours out some in a glass_) I'll soon settle the question. (_Drinks_) That's poteen, and good poteen too.

MR. CASSIDY I beg to disagree with your Worship.

MARTIN O'FLYNN How dare you disagree with me, sir, and I drinking poteen every day of my life. I'd resign my seat on the Bench rather than suffer to be insulted in such a manner again.

MR. CASSIDY I apologise. Nothing could be further from my thought than offence.

MARTIN O'FLYNN I'm glad to hear you say so, because when I said that the liquor in the decanter was poteen, I knew what I was talking about. Unless the prisoner tells us how he procured this illegal drink, he will be imprisoned for six months.

MR. FENNELL For six months, is it?

MARTIN O'FLYNN Yes, for six long months, and you must find bail for your good behavior at the end of the term for a period of twelve months.

MR. FENNELL Well, as you are so anxious to know where I procured the stuff that you have certified to be poteen, I have great pleasure in telling you that it was purchased at Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley's establishment under the name of Scotch whiskey, and if there is any doubt about the matter, I can show you some of his own sealed bottles with the same stuff in them.

MR. O'CROWLEY The saints protect us! What a vile fabrication!

MRS. FENNELL Ah, you old hypocrite, 'tis about time that you were found out.

MR. O'CROWLEY Place that woman under arrest for contempt of court. (_Mrs. Fennell is placed in the dock_) Now, Mrs. Fennell, anything that you will say will be used in evidence against you, so I warn you to hold your tongue and keep quiet.

MRS. FENNELL I'll try and keep quiet, your Worship.

MR. O'CROWLEY Gentlemen, I regret to state that a mistake has occurred somewhere, and there's nothing more plentiful than mistakes. They commenced long ago in the Garden of Eden, and they are as inevitable as the day and night, as inevitable, I might say, as America itself. Yes, some one has blundered, as Napoleon said when he woke up and found himself a prisoner on St. Helena. Mr. Fennell, alas! has erred, but to err is human, and to forgive is divine. We are reasonable people, and we must treat this matter in a reasonable manner. The prisoner has stated that he purchased poteen at my premises, but what reliance can we place on the word of a man who is addicted to drinking poteen? None whatever. We have only the prisoner's word that the poteen was purchased at my establishment, but the probability is that he was only suffering from its ill effects when he imagined that I was the one who supplied it. Though I'm very sorry indeed to have anything to say against Mr. Fennell, his word cannot be taken as evidence, and the case will be dismissed. (_Applause, which is suppressed_) The dignity of the court must be upheld, and the next person who applauds will be ejected.

[_Mr. Fennett is dismissed and Mrs. Fennett placed in the dock. She goes through the usual ordeal of swearing, and Mr. O'Crowley tries her case._

MR. O'CROWLEY For contempt of court, Mrs. Fennell, you will be fined ten pounds, and you will be bound to the peace for twelve months, and you must give two securities of fifty pounds each, or go to jail for a term of six months with hard labor. And anything that you may say after the sentence of the court has been passed, of a disparaging nature to the Bench, will be considered as a necessity for further punishment. I hope that I have made myself perfectly clear.

MRS. FENNELL Yes, your Worship, you have made yourself perfectly clear. (_Starts to cry_) Oh, what will I do at all? Is there no one to go bail for me? (_Mr. Fennell looks like one who is trying to come to a decision, and Mrs. Fennell starts to cry again_) Is it the way that ye'll be having me taken to the county jail for doing nothing at all? Oh, wisha, who's going to go bail for me? Maybe 'tis yourself, Mr. O'Crowley.

MR. FENNELL (_walking up to the dock_) And I here, is it? Not for likely. I'll go bail for you, of course.

CURTAIN

* * * * *

MAGNANIMITY

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

CHARACTERS

WILLIAM DRISCOLL _A public-house keeper_ DENNIS LOGAN BERNARD FALVEY GARRET DEVLIN BARRY NAGLE POLICE AND TOWNSPEOPLE

MAGNANIMITY

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

_Scene: Back parlor of a country public house. The proprietor, William Driscoll, a man of about fifty with a very dour expression, sings as he sweeps the floor:_

"Oh, the days are gone, when Beauty bright My heart's chain wove; When the dream of life from morn till night Was love, still love. New hope may bloom, And days may come Of milder, calmer beam, But there's nothing half so sweet in life As love's young dream. No, there's nothing half so sweet in life As love's young dream."

[_Logan, a stranger, enters._

LOGAN Good mornin'.

DRISCOLL Good mornin' and good luck. What can I do for you?

LOGAN I'll have a glass of the best whiskey.

DRISCOLL All right, my good man. You shall get it.

[_Exit._

LOGAN (_takes up the morning paper, sits on the table, and speaks aloud_) Be the pipers that played the dead march for Moses, but I'm twice as big a fool as I thought I was. And knowledge of that sort is cold comfort for any man. What's this I see here? "Daring burglary in the town of Castlemorgan. During the early hours of the morning, the house of Michael Cassily was broken into, and five pound notes, a gentleman's watch and a pair of silver candlesticks were stolen. So far, no arrests have been made, but the police have every hope of bringing those who committed the offence to justice, because Mr. Cassily states that he saw two men leaving by the back entrance, and found a piece of a coat-tail hanging from a nail on the porch."

[_He lifts up his coat, and discovers a piece missing from the tail, and is about to take it off for a closer inspection when the publican enters with the whiskey._

DRISCOLL (_as he places the whiskey upon the table_) This is your drink, stranger, and believe me, you couldn't get a better drop of whiskey in the whole United Kingdom, not even if you went to the King's palace itself for it.

LOGAN 'Tis good, you say.

DRISCOLL None better, and wonderful stuff to put heart into a man.

LOGAN (_drinks it off_) 'Tis the good flavor it has surely. (_Pauses awhile_) I think I'll have another, for 'tis plenty of heart I'll be wantin' before the day goes to its close.

DRISCOLL 'Tis easy to feel plucky in the mornin', but 'tis a brave man who can feel happy at the heel of day, especially if he has an uneasy conscience and an empty stomach.

LOGAN Hunger plays the devil with us all. A man with an empty stomach, an empty purse, and an empty house, except for a scoldin' wife, can never be happy.

DRISCOLL That's so, but if that's all you have to contend with, you haven't much to worry about. Sure I thought by your looks and the way you spoke that you might have killed a man and had the bloodhounds after you.

LOGAN A man's conscience is worse than having bloodhounds after him, if he has to spend months in idleness through no fault of his own, and no one to look for sympathy from but a scoldin' wife.

DRISCOLL The Lord protect us from scoldin' wives, anyway. They're the scourge of Hell. But there are worse things than being married to a wife with no control over her temper. You might be like the thief who broke into the house of Michael Cassily and stole his grandfather's watch and chain and silver candlestick.

LOGAN And when did all this happen?

DRISCOLL During the small hours of the mornin'.

LOGAN That was a damnable thing to do.

DRISCOLL 'Twas more foolish than anythin' else, because, if Michael Cassily should ever lay hands upon the man who stole his belongings, he'd shoot at him the way you'd shoot at a rabbit in a ditch and kill him as dead as one of Egypt's kings.

LOGAN The Lord save us! You don't mean what you say.

DRISCOLL I do, and every word of it. And a sure shot he is too. Indeed 'tis said that nothing in the sky or on the land could escape him when he has a gun in his hand.

LOGAN I heard before comin' to this town that he was a very quiet and inoffensive man.

DRISCOLL And so he is a quiet man when he's left alone. But when his temper is up, the devil himself is a gentleman to him.

LOGAN I'll have another glass of whiskey. [_Exit the publican. While he is away, Logan looks at the torn part of his coat, and a stranger enters._

BARNARD FALVEY (_saunters into the back kitchen, picks a piece of wet paper off the floor, and tries to light it at the fire for the purpose of lighting his pipe, and after several unsuccessful attempts, he turns to Logan_) Good mornin', and God bless you, stranger.

LOGAN Good mornin', kindly.

FALVEY It looks as though we were goin' to have a spell of fine weather.

LOGAN Judgin' by the way the wind is, it would seem so.

FALVEY 'Tis splendid weather for walkin' or tillin' the land.

LOGAN 'Tis good weather for anythin'.

FALVEY All the same, 'tis a long stretch of a road from here to Ballinore. How far is it, I wonder?

LOGAN Twenty miles at least.

FALVEY Every step of it, and a long road for a man with the rheumatics and bronchitis too.

LOGAN And what brought you from Ballinore?

FALVEY And what would bring any poor man from his native town but lookin' for work. And that's a hard thing to be doin' when a man hasn't a friend to help him towards a job.

LOGAN A man can always make friends if he wants to.

FALVEY 'Tis no easy thing for a man who hasn't a sleutherin' tongue and the takin' way with him to make friends, stranger.

LOGAN 'Tis easy enough to make fine weather friends. But I suppose a friend isn't worth a damn unless he can help a man when he's in trouble.

FALVEY To have a lot of money is the easiest way of makin' friends. But when a man hasn't either money or the sleutherin' tongue, he can't expect to have any more of the world's goods than myself.

LOGAN And have you no friends at all among all the millions of people on the face of the earth?

FALVEY The devil a one ever bothers their head about me but myself. And what I can do for myself is hardly worth doin' for any one.

LOGAN After all, when a man has his health and enough to eat, he should be contented.

FALVEY But how could you expect the likes of me to be contented when I didn't break my fast this blessed day yet, and all I have in the world is the bit of tobacco you see in my old pipe, and unless you're not as dacent as you look, 'tis hungry maybe I'll be until I find a turnip field before the fall of night.

LOGAN Would you drink a pint of porter and eat a penny bun?

FALVEY Indeed I would, and remember the one in my prayers who'd give them to me.