Chapter 2

CONSTABLE What would be good for 'em?

MRS. COTTER Hot milk an' pepper.

CONSTABLE I tried that.

MRS. COTTER Anythin' else?

CONSTABLE Nothin' except a smoke.

MRS. COTTER Maybe a little drop o' "Wise's" would do some good?

CONSTABLE I'd try anythin' that 'ud lessen the pain, though I'd rather not be troublin' ye.

MRS. COTTER 'Tis no trouble at all.

[_Exit. While she is away, something falls in the room where Micus and Padna are. The Constable fails to open the door, and returns to his chair before Mrs. Cotter comes back with the drink_.

MRS. COTTER (_handing glass_) Drink that up, go straight home, bathe ye'r feet in mustard an' water, an' ye'll be as strong as a Protestant in the mornin'!

CONSTABLE (_taking glass_) Thank ye, ma'am.

[_Drinks it off. The Head in the coal hole sneezes, and the Sergeant shouts_ "God bless us!"

CONSTABLE What's that?

MRS. COTTER Oh, that's nothin'.

[_Another sneeze and_ "God bless us!"

CONSTABLE Well, if that nothin' isn't somethin', I'm dotin'.

[_Opens door and Head and Sergeant fall out on the floor_.

SERGEANT 'Tis all your fault with your blasted sneezin'.

HEAD Now, maybe you'll believe that I've a cold.

SERGEANT Don't be botherin' me. I can't believe meself not to mind a liar like you.

HEAD (_to the Constable, after he has got on his feet_) Now, sir, what have you got to say for yourself? 'Twill be useless for you to deny that meself an' the Sergeant here (_points to the Sergeant who is still on the floor_) have caught you drinkin' on these licensed premises durin' your hours o' duty.

CONSTABLE An' what about me catchin' the pair o' ye hidin' in the coal hole o' the same licensed premises, an' a strong smell o' whiskey from ye?

HEAD 'Tis from yourself that, you smells the whiskey.

CONSTABLE (_takes an onion from his pocket, peels it, and eats it slowly_) I defy you or any one else to find the smell o' whiskey from me.

HEAD (_to the Sergeant_) Well, don't that beat Banagher?

SERGEANT The Devil himself couldn't do better.

CONSTABLE Well, gentlemen, I'm sorry for troublin' ye, but duty is duty. I'll now place ye under arrest an' send for the Inspector.

HEAD (_in a rage_) No more o' this nonsense! You'll pay for this night's work, believe me.

CONSTABLE (_smiling_) I'll pay for a drink for both o' ye for the sake of old times, an' the less said about this night's work the better. (_All remain silent for a short time_) Well, are ye goin' to have the drink?

SERGEANT (_to Head_) We might as well take it, for 'tis the first time he ever offered to stand, an' it may be the last.

HEAD (_after much consideration_) Very well, then, I'll have a drop o' the best.

SERGEANT An' I'll have the same.

CONSTABLE Three glasses o' "Wise's," Mrs. Cotter.

MRS. COTTER _(from the bar)_ Certainly, Constable.

[_The Head and Sergeant remain silent, and the Constable paces up and down with his hands in his pockets, whistling some popular tune, until Mrs. Cotter brings in the drinks_.

MRS. COTTER _(as she places the drinks on the table)_ I don't like to see ye in this cold kitchen, gentlemen. Can't ye come up-stairs to the sitting-room?

CONSTABLE 'Tisn't worth our while, ma'am. We have our work to do. (_Taking glass in hand_) Slainthe!

[_Drinks half the quantity of whiskey. The Head and Sergeant do likewise. A noise like the falling of furniture is heard from the room where Padna and Micus are._

HEAD _(startled)_ What's that?

_[There is silence for a while, then Micus is heard singing._

MICUS "We are the boys of Wexford Who fought with heart an' hand To burst in twain the galling chain, An' free our native land."

HEAD _(to Mrs. Cotter who has come from the bar)_ I'll have the kay of that door, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER What kay, Head?

HEAD The kay o' that door, ma'am. [_Strikes door with his fist_.

MRS. COTTER Erra, Head, what's the matter with ye? That door is nailed up this seven years. That singin' comes from the next house.

HEAD Glory be to God! Do any one alive tell the truth? _(Catches hold of chair by the back)_ If you don't give me the kay, I'll burst open the door.

MRS. COTTER I have no kay, Head.

HEAD (_holding chair over his head_) Once more I demand the kay in the name of His Majesty the King, before I puts the legs o' the chair flyin' through the ledges.

MRS. COTTER (_crying, hands key_) Oh, wisha, what'll I do at all?

HEAD (_taking key_) You'll be told that later on, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER They are only two neighbors like y'erselves. Can't ye go away an' lave 'em alone?

HEAD (_placing key_) Not a word now, ma'am, for anythin' that you will say or won't say must be used in evidence ag'inst ye.

PADNA (_singing_) "Who fears to speak of Ninety-eight? Who blushes at the name? When cowards mock the patriots' fate, Who hangs his head for shame? He's all a knave or half a slave, Who slights his country thus: But true men, like you, men, Will drink your glass with us."

HEAD (to _Mrs. Cotter_) That's a nice song to be singin' on a licensed premises, ma'am. 'Twould cause a riot if there was enough o' people about. No less than raidin' the police barracks would satisfy the likes o' that songster if he was left at large. (_Opens door. Padna and Micus stagger on to the floor. They fall but get on their feet again_) What are ye doin' here?

PADNA What the devil is that to you?

MICUS Or to any one else either?

HEAD Do ye know that this is a licensed premises?

PADNA (_looking at Micus_) Of course we do.

HEAD An' do ye know that this is Sunday night an' that I'm the Head Constable, an' that one o' these min here is the Sergeant an' the other is the Constable?

PADNA (_buttons his coat and looks defiantly at them_) An' do ye know that I'm Padna Sweeney from Clashbeg?

MICUS (_also buttons his coat and looks aggressively at Head_) An' that I'm his old pal Micus Goggin from Castleclover?

PADNA (_as he staggers_) Don't mind him, Micus. He's drunk.

HEAD What's that you're sayin'? Who's drunk?

PADNA Be jaikus, ye're all drunk.

MICUS Come on away home, Padna, an' don't mind _them._ They're a bad lot.

PADNA The smell o' drink from 'em is awful.

MICUS 'Tis disgustin'. I wouldn't be seen in their company. Padna. Come on away.

HEAD (_to Sergeant and Constable_) Arrest these min!

PADNA Do ye hear that, Micus?

MICUS (_opening his coat_) I do, but I won't be insulted be the likes o' them.

PADNA (_opening his coat also_) Nayther will I!

HEAD (_indignantly_) Why don't ye arrest these min, I say?

PADNA and MICUS (_together_) Arrest us, is it? (_They take off their coats, throw them on the ground, and take their stand like pugilists_) Come on, now, and arrest us!

PADNA I'll take the best man.

MICUS An' I'll take the lot.

[_The police try to arrest them, and a desperate struggle ensues. The police lose their caps and belts, but eventually succeed in overpowering them._

MRS. COTTER (_rushes to the rescue_) O boys, for my sake, an' for the sake o' ye'r wives an' families, have no crossness but lave the house quietly.

PADNA (_as he struggles with the Sergeant_) Don't fret, ma'am. We'll have no crossness. All we want is to wipe the police from the face o' the earth altogether.

MICUS That's all. We'll have no crossness.

[_Handcuffs are placed on Micus and Padna._

HEAD (_shouts_) Take these min to the Barrack.

[_They struggle violently, and sing as they leave the house._

PADNA and MICUS (_together_) "When boyhood's fire was in my blood, I read of ancient freemen For Grace and Rome who bravely stood, Three hundred men and three men. And then I prayed I yet might see Our fetters rent in twain, And Ireland, long a province, be A Nation once again."

[_Mrs. Cotter follows them to the door, and while the Head is alone, he writes in his notebook, talking aloud as he does so_.

HEAD "Found drunk an' disorderly on the licensed premises o' Mrs. Cotter, Ballyferris, during prohibited hours. Using bad an' offensive language. Resistin' arrest, assaultin' the police, an' doin' sayrious damage to their garments. Singin' songs of a nature likely to cause rebellion an' threatenin' to exterminate the whole Royal Irish Constabulary." (_Places book back in pocket_)

[_There is a little whiskey in each of the three glasses that were placed on the mantleshelf. The Head pours_

_the contents of each into one and drinks it before Mrs. Cotter returns. Enter Mrs. Cotter._

MRS. COTTER Oh, Head, you won't be hard on a lone widow, will ye? Don't prosecute thim poor min. Sure, they have done no more harm than y'erselves.

HEAD _(as he stands at door)_ Mrs. Cotter, ma'am! I'm surprised at you.

MRS. COTTER For what, Head?

HEAD To think that you'd dare attempt to interfere with me in the discharge o' me duty!

MRS. COTTER DUTY!

CURTAIN

* * * * *

JURISPRUDENCE

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

CHARACTERS

MARTIN O'FLYNN _A Resident Magistrate_ CORNELIUS JOHN MICHAEL O'CROWLEY _A New Justice of the Peace_ PHELAN DUFFY _A Barrister-at-Law_ BRENNAN CASSIDY _A Solicitor_ PETER DWYER _Clerk of the Petty Sessions Court_ RICHARD FENNELL MARGARET FENNELL _Wife of Richard Fennell_ SERGEANT HEALY _A Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_ CONSTABLE O'RYAN _A Member of the R.I.C_. CONSTABLE MCCARTHY _A Member of the R.I.C_.

JURISPRUDENCE

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

_Scene: Room in courthouse at Ballybraggan. Magistrates and clerk of court seated on the Bench. Barristers, townspeople, and police in body of the court_.

MARTIN O'FLYNN _(rises and wipes his brow with a red handkerchief_) Members of the Munster Bar, Members of the Royal Irish Constabulary, and--gentlemen (_pauses_), and ladies also, before the Court opens for the dispensation of justice, I would like to say a few short words about a matter that concerns not only ourselves here present, and the town of Ballybraggan in particular, but everybody alive to their own interests and the whole world in general. We have with us to-day one who is no stranger to the people of this historic town, and it is with feelings of the highest regard that I stand before you in my privileged capacity as resident magistrate to perform what seems to me to be the most pleasing and likewise the most joyous of duties that could fall to the lot of any man, whether he might come from where the waves of the tumultuous Pacific wash the shores of the great Western world or from the town of Mallow itself. And that is to have the honor and glorification of introducing to you our new and worthy magistrate, Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley. (_Applause_) Far be it from me indeed to flatter any man, but there are times when we must tell the truth. (_Applause_) And when I say that there is no one more humble for a man of his achievements from here to Honolulu than Mr. O'Crowley himself, I am only telling the truth in a plain and unadorned form. Every effort put forth by Mr. O'Crowley for the welfare of mankind has been characterised by success, and what greater proof of his ability could we have than the fact that he is one of the largest wine merchants and hotel proprietors in the length and breadth of Munster? Indeed, if Mr. O'Crowley wasn't fully qualified for upholding and sustaining the dignity of the coveted title, Justice of the Peace, His Excellency the Lord Lieutenant, who is both a scholar, a gentleman, and a Scotchman to boot, would not be so pleased and delighted to confer on him an honor only worthy of a man of his attainments, sentiments, and quality of character. _(Applause)_

PHELAN DUFFY On behalf of the legal profession of which I have the honor of being the oldest member, I am not only desirous but extremely overjoyed to have the golden opportunity of congratulating our worthy townsman Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley on the great distinction that has befallen him. We all have heard of that Englishman who said one time, with all the cleverness of an Irishman and a native of Ballybraggan at that: "Some are born great, others acquire greatness, and more have greatness thrust upon them." Now to say that Mr. O'Crowley had greatness thrust upon him would not be a fact, and whether or not he was born great we don't know, but one thing is certain, and that is, he has acquired greatness. And when I say so, I wish it to be distinctly understood that I am not talking idly or glibly, but with all the sincerity of my heart. With the same sincerity that has characterised all my actions since I was first called to the Bar, and made of me what I am to-day. With the same sincerity that characterises every successful member of the legal profession, be he Irish, Scotch, or American. Let critics say what they will, but the fact remains that success is the best answer to adverse criticism. A man's true worth may not always be appreciated in a cold and heartless world like ours, but there will ever be found a few who can always sympathise with us in our sorrows and rejoice with us in our triumphs. And Mr. O'Crowley has the rare gift which enables him to do both. (_Applause_) He is a man of large and noble ideals, of sterling qualities and knows human nature in all its many phases. He knows the wants of the people and what's more, he knows how to satisfy them. He would not allow any man's light to be hidden under a bushel, so to speak, and why should we allow the bushel to bide his? (_Applause_) Let credit be given where credit is due, was ever his motto. And only one month has elapsed since he said to me, after defending his own brother on a breach of the Sunday Closing Act in this very courthouse, "My heartiest thanks and warmest congratulations for your splendid victory. There isn't another man in the whole country, not even Tim Healy himself, who could win that case."

SERGEANT HEALY On behalf of the Royal Irish Constabulary, I wish to be associated with the hearty and unanimous welcome extended to Mr. O'Crowley, whom I have known since the first night I came to the town. And my only regret is that I did not know him before, because men with his rare traits of character are not to be met with every day. His genial and kindly disposition has endeared him to us all. His doors are never closed on either Saturday, Sunday, Christmas Day, or any other day. Friend or foe, stranger or native of Ballybraggan, are all the same to Mr. O'Crowley. Each and every one is received with the same hearty welcome. He is a man whom we think of in our hours of suffering, whether it be on the scorching heat of a summer's day or the blighting cold of a winter's night. It is my earnest wish, and I am sure that I am only expressing the sentiments of the whole of Munster, that the success which has attended Mr. O'Crowley in all the ventures of his useful life will be doubled in his capacity as Justice of the Peace. (_Applause_)

PETER DWYER In all the long years that I have acted as clerk of this court, I never felt more pleased at the coming of a new magistrate than when I heard of the discretion of His Excellency in selecting Mr. O'Crowley for this most exalted position. All that I might say in my congratulations and welcome has already been said, and I can only concur in the good wishes that have been offered, and though a lot more might have been said of one so praiseworthy, I know that Mr. O'Crowley will understand, it is not that we like him less but that we respect him more. Mr. O'Crowley is a man who is above pride and does not want the walls of Rome or the stones of the Munster roads to know what he does for mankind. So I will now conclude by wishing him all the success that he deserves, in the future and hereafter.

MR. C. J. M. O'CROWLEY Brother magistrates, members of the Bar, members of the Royal Irish Constabulary, and gentlemen: From the bottom of my heart I thank you for all the high compliments you have paid me this day, and I only hope that I will be long spared to be a source of comfort and consolation to the men and women of Ballybraggan. I know, of course, that I am not a pararagom of perfection, but I have the wonderful satisfaction of knowing that I have been appreciated in my own time, and that's more than some of the world's best poets, philosophers, and other servants of mankind could have said. The superdalliance of some and the pomposity and congential insufficiency of others have always been a warning to me, and when opportunity sallied forth from her hiding place I never failed to recognise her queenly presence and extend a _cead-mile-failte,_ and make of her my own, so to speak. Such was the way of Wellington and his contemporary Hannibal, and such must be the way of every man who must serve his country and himself. And believe me, much as the people of Ballybraggan think about me, I think every bit as much about them. It is hardly necessary for me to say that we only get what we deserve in this world, and sometimes a little more or a little less as the case may be. The desirable propensities of the people of the town have endeared me to them with a spirit as strong as that which makes the ivy cling to the oak, and as we see the ivy fondly clinging to that monarch of trees, whether it sprouts its green leaves in the glorious sunshine or falls to the ground with decay, so will I cling to the people of Ballybraggan. Once again, I thank you, but in conclusion I must say that I will do all in my power to prove worthy of the reliance and confidence placed in me. (_Applause_)

PETER DWYER The court is now open for the dispensation of justice. The only case before us to-day is one of house-breaking, drunkenness from excessive use of poteen, which is an illegal drink, and resisting arrest by the police. The charge is laid against one Richard Fennell, and cross-summonses have been issued to Mr. and Mrs. Fennell.

PHELAN DUFFY On behalf of my client, Mrs. Fennell, I wish to impress upon the Bench the gravity of the offence with which the accused Richard Fennell is charged, namely, drunkenness from excessive use of an illegal intoxicant known as poteen, house-breaking, terrorizing and almost paralyzing with fear his highly strung and sensitive wife, and adding insult to injury in resisting arrest by his Majesty's guardian of law and order, Sergeant Healy. These are grave charges indeed, and who will gainsay that a man gifted with the spirit of destruction like Mr. Fennell is a menace to the peace-abiding town of Ballybraggan? Not since the heartless barbarians made their ruthless descent upon the Roman Empire was there such havoc wrought in any one house, or did any individual member of society suffer so much from nervous prostration as Mrs. Fennell.

MR. FENNELL (_interrupting_) Can't a man dust his own furniture and chastise his own wife if he feels like doing so?

MR. O'CROWLEY Order! order! There must be no interruptions in this court of justice.

PHELAN DUFFY _(continuing)_ You can well imagine how poor Mrs. Fennell thought that the end of the world was coming when she saw every bit of ware on the kitchen dresser smashed in pieces no larger than threepenny bits on the floor. And the alarm clock that woke Mr. Fennell every morning and reminded him that it was time to get up and make his wife's breakfast, which she always got in bed, struck dumb for ever with its works battered beyond recognition. Think of this poor woman's feelings at such an awful moment.

MR. FENNELL (_interrupting_) Feelings! She has no more feelings than a tombstone.

PHELAN DUFFY (_continuing_) Think of this decent, self-respecting, loving wife and mother, who has had no less than three husbands.

MRS. FENNELL (_interrupting_) An' I'll have another too, please God!

PHELAN DUFFY Think, I say, of three husbands, and ten children. Six resting in the little churchyard at Ennisbeg, and four resting in the Royal Irish Constabulary. That Mr. Fennell was what we would call a model husband, before he touched this poteen goes without saying. Everything that his wife told him to do was done, and done to her satisfaction, and done whether he liked the doing of it or no.

MRS. FENNELL (_interrupting_) I always made my husbands do what they were told.

PHELAN DUFFY Mr. Fennell is no doubt guilty of a serious offence, but whoever sold him the base liquor is far more guilty in the eyes of the law, as well as the public. Needless to state, this fact does not in any way lessen the gravity of Mr. Fennell's offence, and I would ask the Bench not to allow any feelings of sentiment to interfere with the discharge of their duty. I would ask that the severest penalty allowed be inflicted on the accused for his unwarranted, unmanly, and blackguardly conduct.

MRS. FENNELL (_to Phelan Duffy_) Wisha, bad luck to your impudence to call my husband a bla'gard. A dacent man that never went to the likes of you or any one else for anything.

MR. O'CROWLEY Order, order.

MRS. FENNELL 'Tis only the likes of lawyers that have the insolence to insult dacent people. Sure when they aren't ignorant they're consated, and their wives and daughters are no better than themselves.

MR. O'CROWLEY Order, order. Unless you behave yourself, you must be placed under arrest.

MRS. FENNELL Sure, you don't think I can stand here with a tongue in me head and listen to me husband being insulted, do you?

PETER DWYER Order, order, Mrs. Fennell, please.

[_She attempts to speak again, and the sergeant places his hand over her mouth. She resents this action, and in a struggle which ensues the sergeant falls to the floor. He is helped to his feet by Mrs. Fennell, and both look at each other in a scornful way._

SERGEANT HEALY (_to Mrs. Fennell_) 'Tis a good job for you that you're not Mrs. Healy.

MRS. FENNELL And 'tis a blessing for you that you're not Mr. Fennell.

MR. O'CROWLEY Order, order. This conduct is scandalous, Mrs. Fennell, and you must keep quiet.

MR. FENNELL You might as well be asking a whale to whistle "The Last Rose of Summer" or asking the Kaiser to become a Trappist monk.

PETER DWYER Order, order. Now please, Mrs. Fennell, come forward and give your evidence.

MRS. FENNELL All I have to say is that my husband got the delirium tramens from drinking poteen and broke every bit of furniture in the house, an' he might have killed myself.

MR. FENNELL (_very disgusted_) I wish I knew how.

MRS. FENNELL (_continuing_) Only for having the good sense of rushing to the front door and shouting for the police. I'm an orphan, your Worship, and that's why I'm here to seek protection from the court. All the same, I haven't a word to say to my husband, the cowardly ruffian, only for his love of poteen, bad temper, and contrary ways.

MR. O'CROWLEY That will do, Mrs. Fennell.

MRS. FENNELL Thanks, your Worship.

SERGEANT HEALY (_takes out his notebook. A day pipe, box of snuff, and handkerchief fall to the floor. The snuff falls on the handkerchief. He replaces the snuff box and the pipe in his pocket, and wipes his face with the snuffy handkerchief. He then opens his notebook for reference and begins_) On the night of December third _sneezes and says:_ God bless us!) I was on me rounds doin' beat duty in Market Square in the town of Ballybraggan (_Sneezes_)--God bless us!--and all of a sudden without a moment's notice, I was disturbed from me reverie of pious thought, be a great disturbance like the falling of porter barrels from the top floor of a brewery, and without saying as much as the Lord protect me, I swung to me left from whence the noise came and beheld Mrs. Fennell (_Sneeze_)--God bless us!--rushing out of her own house the way you'd see a wild Injun rushing in the moving pictures and shouting like a circus lion before his breakfast: "Police! police! police!" An' as though it was the will of Providence, I was in the very place where me presence was required.

MRS. FENNELL Accidents will happen, Sergeant.

SERGEANT They will, and disasters too, if you don't hold your tongue.

PETER DWYER Order, order.