Duty, and Other Irish Comedies
Chapter 1
DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES
DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES
BY
SEUMAS O'BRIEN
1916
CONTENTS
DUTY JURISPRUDENCE MAGNANIMITY MATCHMAKERS RETRIBUTION
DUTY
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
CHARACTERS
HEAD CONSTABLE MULLIGAN _A Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_ SERGEANT DOOLEY _A Member of the R.I.C._ CONSTABLE HUGGINS _A Member of the R.I.C._ MICUS GOGGIN PADNA SWEENEY MRS. ELLEN COTTER _A public-house keeper_
DUTY was produced for the first time at the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, December 17, 1913, with the following cast:
Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C. ARTHUR SINCLAIR Sergeant Dooley, R.I.C. FRED O'DONOVAN Constable Huggins, R.I.C. SYDNEY J. MORGAN Micus Goggin J.M. KERRIGAN Padna Sweeney J.A. O'ROURKE Mrs. Ellen Cotter UNA O'CONNOR
DUTY
_Back kitchen of a country public house. Micus and Padna seated at a table drinking from pewter pints. Mrs. Cotter enters in response to a call_.
PADNA (_pointing to pint measures_) Fill 'em again, ma'am, please.
MRS. COTTER (_taking pints, and wiping table_) Fill 'em again, is it? Indeed I won't do any such thing.
MICUS Indeed you will, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER Don't you know that 'tis Sunday night, an' that the police might call any minute?
MICUS (_disdainfully_) The police!
PADNA Bad luck to them!
MICUS Amen!
MRS. COTTER This will be the last drink that any one will get in this house to-night. [_Exit_.
MICUS 'Tis a nice state of affairs to think that dacent men, after a hard week's work, can't have a drink in pace and quietness in the town they were born and reared in, without bein' scared out o' their senses by the police!
PADNA 'Tis the hell of a thing, entirely! I don't see what's gained be closin' the pubs at all, unless it be to give the police somethin' to do.
MICUS The overfed and undertaught bla'gards!
PADNA As far as I can see, there's as much drink sold as if the pubs were never closed.
MICUS There is, an' more; for if it wasn't forbidden to drink porter, it might be thought as little about as water.
PADNA I don't believe that, Micus. Did you ever hear of a pint or even a gallon of water makin' any one feel like Napoleon?
[_Mrs. Cotter enters and places drinks on table_.
PADNA (_handing money_) There ye are, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER (_takes money_) Hurry now like good boys, for forty shillin's is a lot to pay for a pint o' porter, an' that's what 'twill cost ye if the police comes in an' finds ye here. An' I'll lose me license into the bargain. [_Exit_.
MICUS One would think be the way the police are talked about that they had charge of the whole Universe!
PADNA An' who else has charge of it but themselves an' the magistrates, or justices o' the pace, as they're called?
MICUS They're worse than the police.
PADNA They're as bad anyway, an' that's bad enough.
MICUS (_scornfully_) Justices o' the pace!
PADNA Micus!
MICUS What?
PADNA (_thoughtfully_) There's no justice in the world.
MICUS Damn the bit! Sure 'tisn't porter we should be drinkin' a cold night like this!
PADNA (_as he sips from pint_) 'Tis well to have it these times.
MICUS The world is goin' to the dogs, I'm afraid.
PADNA 'Tisn't goin' at all, but gone.
MICUS An' nobody seems to care.
PADNA Some pretend they do, like the preachers, but they're paid for it. I do be often wonderin' after readin' the newspapers if God has forgotten about the world altogether.
MICUS I wouldn't be surprised, for nothin' seems to be right. There's the police, for instance. They can do what they like, an' we must do what we're told, like childer.
PADNA Isn't the world a star, Micus?
MICUS (_with pint to his mouth_) Of course it is.
PADNA Then it must be the way that it got lost among all the other stars one sees on a frosty night.
MICUS Are there min in the other stars too?
PADNA So I believe.
MICUS That's queer.
PADNA Sure, everythin' is queer.
MICUS If the min in the other stars are like the peelers, there won't be much room in Hell after the good are taken to Heaven on the last day.
PADNA The last day! I don't like to think about the last day.
MICUS Why so?
PADNA Well, 'tis terrible to think that we might be taken to Heaven, (_pauses_) an' our parents an' childer might be sent (_points towards the floor_) with the Protestants.
MICUS If the Protestants will be as well treated in the next world as they are in this, I wouldn't mind goin' with 'em meself.
PADNA I wouldn't like to be a Protestant after I'm dead, Micus.
MICUS (_knocks with his pint on the table and Mrs. Cotter enters; he points to pints_) The same again, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER Indeed, ye won't get another drop.
MICUS This will be our last, ma'am. Don't be hard on us. 'Tis only a night of our lives, an' we'll be all dead one day.
MRS. COTTER (_as she leaves the room with measures in hand_) Ye ought to be ashamed o' yerselves to be seen in a public house a night like this.
MICUS We're ashamed o' nothin,' ma'am. We're only ourselves an' care for nobody.
MRS. COTTER (_turning round_) Well, this is the very last drink ye'll get then. [_Exit_.
PADNA Women are all alike.
MICUS They are, God forgive them.
PADNA They must keep talkin'.
MICUS An' 'tis only a fool that 'ud try to prevent 'em.
MRS. COTTER (_entering and placing measures on table_) Hurry up, now, an' don't have me at the next Petty Sessions. [_Exit_.
MICUS (_after testing drink_) Nothin' like a good pint o' "Dundon's."
PADNA 'Tis great stuff.
MICUS May the Lord spare them long, an' they buildin' houses for the poor an' churches for God!
PADNA An' all out o' the beer money?
MICUS Of course. What else could ye make money at in a country like this?
PADNA 'Tis a thirsty climate!
MICUS If all those who made money built houses for the poor an' gave employment, there 'ud soon be no poor at all.
PADNA You're talkin' what's called socialism now, an' that's too delicate a plant, like Christianity, to thrive in a planet like this. So I heard one o' them preacher chaps sayin' the other evenin'.
MICUS Well, be all accounts, we're no better off than those who heard St. Peter himself preachin'. The poor still only get the promise of Heaven from the clergy.
PADNA That's all they'll ever get.
MICUS The world must surely be lost, Padna.
PADNA Nothin' surer!
MICUS If God ever goes rummagin' among the stars an' finds it again, there'll be bad work, I'm thinkin'.
PADNA I wonder will it be a great fire or another flood?
MICUS Tis hard to tell!
[_A loud knocking is heard at the door_.
MRS. COTTER (_from the shop_) Who's there?
VOICE Police.
PADNA May ye freeze there!
MICUS Or trip over the threshold and break ye'r neck!
MRS. COTTER (_rushing into kitchen_) Quick! quick! quick! (_Points to a door_) This way, boys!
[_Micus and Padna enter a small room off the kitchen. Mrs. Cotter locks the door and opens the street door for the policeman, the knocking getting louder meanwhile_.
MRS. COTTER Wait a minit! Wait a minit! I'm comin', I'm comin'.
[_Opens door. Enter Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C._
HEAD You took a long time to open the door, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER I know I did, but it wasn't me fault, Head. I had the house locked up for the night, an' couldn't find where I left the kay.
HEAD 'Tis all right, ma'am. I can lose things meself. (_Looks carefully around_) 'Tis a lonesome thing to see the house so empty.
MRS. COTTER 'Tis Sunday night, Head.
HEAD Of course, of course! All the same I'd prefer to see it full--of bona-fide travellers, I mean.
MRS. COTTER Thank ye, Head. How's Mrs. Mulligan an' the childer?
HEAD Wisha, purty fair. How's the world usin' yourself?
MRS. COTTER Only for the rheumatics I'd have no cause to grumble.
HEAD 'Tis well to be alive at all these times. An' Ballyferris isn't the best place to keep any one alive in winter time.
MRS. COTTER Or summer time ayther. Whin the weather is good trade is bad.
HEAD That's always the way in this world. We're no sooner, out o' one trouble before another commences. I always admire the way you bear your troubles, though, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER I does me best, Head.
HEAD Just like meself! Just like meself! The Government makes laws an' I must see that they're not broken. (_Rubbing his hands together_) 'Tis a cold night, an' no doubt about it.
MRS. COTTER Bad weather is due to us now.
HEAD Everythin' bad is due to some of us. Only for that shark of an Inspector 'tis little trouble I'd be givin' a dacent woman like yourself a night like this.
MRS. COTTER He's very strict, I hear.
HEAD He's strict, disagreeable, a Protestant, a teetotaler, an' a Cromwellian to boot!
MRS. COTTER The Lord protect us! 'Tis a wonder you're alive at all!
HEAD Wisha, I'm only half alive. The cold never agrees with me. (_Looking at fire_) That's not a very dangerous fire, an' I'm as cold as a snowball.
MRS. COTTER (_with her back to the door behind which Padna and Micus are hiding_) There's a fine fire up-stairs in the sittin'-room.
HEAD (_draws a chair and sits down_) Thank ye, ma'am, but 'tisn't worth me while goin' up-stairs. As I said before, I wouldn't trouble you at all only for the Inspector, an' like Nelson, he expects every one to do their duty.
MRS. COTTER 'Tis a hard world.
HEAD An' a cold world too. I often feels cold on a summer day.
MRS. COTTER That's too bad! Is there no cure for it?
HEAD They say there's a cure for everything.
MRS. COTTER I wonder if ye took a drop o' "Wise's" ten-year-old! It might help to warm ye, if ye sat be the fire up-stairs.
HEAD (_brightening up_) Now, 'pon me word, but that's strange! I was just thinkin' o' the same thing meself. That's what's called telepattery or thought transference.
MRS. COTTER Tella--what, Head?
HEAD (_with confidence_) Telepattery, ma'am. 'Tis like this: I might be in America--
MRS. COTTER I wish you were--
HEAD (_with a look of surprise_) What's that, ma'am?
MRS. COTTER I wish for your own sake that you were in a country where you would get better paid for your work.
HEAD (_satisfied_) Thank ye, ma'am. I suppose min like meself must wait till we go to the other world to get our reward.
MRS. COTTER Very likely!
HEAD Well, as I was sayin', I might be in America, or New York, Boston, Chicago, or any o' thim foreign places, an' you might be in this very house, or up in your sister's house, or takin' a walk down the town, an' I'd think o' some thought, an' at that very second you'd think o' the same thought, an' nayther of us would know that we were both thinkin' o' the same thing. That's tellepattery, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER 'Tis a surprisin' thing, surely! Is it hot or cold you'll have the whiskey, Head?
HEAD Cold, if ye please.
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up and down whistling some popular air. Enter Mrs. Cotter._
MRS. COTTER Will I bring it up-stairs for you?
HEAD Indeed, I'm givin' you too much trouble as it is. I'll try an' take it where I am. (_Takes glass and tastes_) That is good stuff.
MRS. COTTER I'm glad you like it.
HEAD Who wouldn't like it?
MRS. COTTER I don't know the taste of it.
HEAD (_as he finishes contents of glass_) May ye be always so, though there's nothin' like it all the same. (_Handing coin_) I think I'll have a little drop from meself this time.
MRS. COTTER (_as she takes the money_) Will I bring it up-stairs?
HEAD Erra, don't bother! I'm beginnin' to feel meself again.
[_Fills his pipe until she returns_.
MRS. COTTER (_entering and handing drink_) Did you bring your overcoat with you, Head?
HEAD Why so, ma'am?
MRS. COTTER Because the cold o' the rain is there. I wouldn't make any delay but go home immediately. You might get a wettin'.
HEAD (_feeling his tunic_) This wouldn't leave in a drop o' rain in a hundred years, ma'am.
[_Knock at door_.
MRS. COTTER Who's there?
VOICE Police!
HEAD Police, did I hear?
MRS. COTTER 'Tis the Sergeant's voice.
HEAD Glory to be God! I'm ruined! If he finds the smell o' whiskey from me, he'll tell the Inspector, an' then Head Constable Mulligan is no more!
MRS. COTTER Is he as bad as that?
HEAD He has no conscience at all. He's a friend o' the Inspector's. (_Knocking continues at door_) Don't open that door till I tell you--that's if you don't want to find a corpse on the floor.
MRS. COTTER Sure, I must open the door.
HEAD Time enough. He's paid for waitin'. Have you such a thing as an onion in the house?
MRS. COTTER I didn't see an onion for the last three weeks.
HEAD (_scratching his head_) What the blazes will I do? (_Looking towards coal hole_) Whist! I'm saved. I'll go in here until he's gone. (_Goes in and puts out his head_) You can open now, but get rid of him as soon as you can.
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. Enter the Sergeant_.
SERGEANT So you opened at last. Well, better late than never!
MRS. COTTER I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Sergeant. I don't open the door for any one on Sunday nights, an' whin you said "Police," I thought it was one o' the boys tryin' to desaive me.
SERGEANT I see! I see! There's a lot o' desaitful people in the town, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER There are, Sergeant.
SERGEANT There are indeed. (_Coughs_) I'm sick an' tired o' the place altogether.
MRS. COTTER I thought it agreed with you. You're lookin' very well, anyway.
SERGEANT I'm not feelin' well at all thin. (_Coughs_) There's nothin' more deceptive than looks at times. (_Coughs_)
MRS. COTTER True.
SERGEANT 'Tis in me bed I should be instead of troublin' dacent people like yourself a night like this. (_Coughs_) But duty is duty, an' it must be done. If I didn't do what I'm told, that bla'gard of a Head Constable would soon have another an' maybe a worse man in my place.
MRS. COTTER The Lord save us!
SERGEANT But as herself says: There's no use in the Government makin' laws if the people don't keep them.
MRS. COTTER That's so.
SERGEANT Keepin' the world in order is no aisy business, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER 'Tis a great responsibility.
SERGEANT (_drawing a chair to the fire and sitting down_) 'Pon me word I'm tired an' cold too.
MRS. COTTER Wouldn't ye go home and go to bed, Sergeant?
SERGEANT If I went to bed at this hour, the Head would send a report to his chum the Inspector, statin' that I was drunk. (_Coughs_)
MRS. COTTER That's a bad cough. How long is it troublin' ye?
SERGEANT Only since supper time. I was eatin' a bit o' cold meat, an' a bone or somethin' stuck there. (_Points at his throat_)
MRS. COTTER An' what did ye do for it?
SERGEANT What could I do for it?
MRS. COTTER Ye could take a drink o' somethin' an' wash it down.
SERGEANT I tried some cold tea. (_Coughs_)
MRS. COTTER I wonder would a bottle of stout do any good.
SERGEANT 'Twould be no harm to try.
MRS. COTTER Will ye have a bottle?
SERGEANT To tell ye the truth, I don't like bein' disobligin', ma'am. (_Coughs_)
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up and down, whistling the while_.
MRS. COTTER (_at door_) Ye might as well come up-stairs, Sergeant. There's a fine fire in the sitting-room.
SERGEANT I'm first rate where I am. Thank you all the same.
[_Takes stout and finishes it without withdrawing it from his mouth. Coughs_.
MRS. COTTER How do you feel now?
SERGEANT (_wiping his mouth with a large old handkerchief_) 'Tis gone! I mean the bone. I feel meself again.
MRS. COTTER I'm glad of that. (_Looking at clock_) 'Tis gone half-past ten, Sergeant.
SERGEANT Plenty o' time. We'll be a long time dead, an' happy I hope.
MRS. COTTER Amen!
SERGEANT 'Tis my belief that we should all try to do good while we're alive.
MRS. COTTER There's a lot o' good people in the world, Sergeant.
SERGEANT There is, ma'am, but nearly every one o' them thinks that they're better than what they are. That's what annoys me.
MRS. COTTER Sure 'tis imagination that keeps the world movin'.
SERGEANT Yes, an' ambition. All the same, 'tis a good job that people can't see themselves as they really are.
MRS. COTTER They wouldn't believe that they were themselves if they could.
SERGEANT I suppose not.
MRS. COTTER Won't ye come up to the fire in the sittin'-room?
SERGEANT Don't be worryin' about me. I'm all right. That was good stout.
MRS. COTTER The best!
SERGEANT 'Tis a cure for nearly everythin'. Only for takin' a little now an' again, I'd never be able to stand all the hardships o' me profession.
MRS. COTTER Hard work isn't easy.
SERGEANT True! But a good drop o' stout, or better still "spirits" makes many things easy. 'Tis the seed o' pluck, so to speak. I'm feelin' just a little queer about the nerves. I think I'll have a drop o' "Wise's."
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away he fills his pipe_.
MRS. COTTER (_entering with drink_) That's like the noise of a row down the road.
SERGEANT Erra, let 'em row away! The Head is prowlin' about. Let him separate 'em. 'Tis about time he did somethin' for his livin'. 'Tis a damn shame to have the poor rate payers supportin' the likes of him.
MRS. COTTER I wouldn't be talkin' like that, Sergeant.
SERGEANT Why wouldn't I talk? There's as many Head Constables as clergy in the country, an' only for the sergeants an' an odd constable 'tis unknown what 'ud happen!
MRS. COTTER The Head is a dacent gentleman.
SERGEANT You don't know anythin' about him. Grumblin' about havin' to shave himself he does be now, an' only for havin' a bald patch on one side of his face, he'd let his whiskers grow altogether.
[_The Head sneezes in the coal hole_.
SERGEANT What noise is that?
MRS. COTTER (_startled_) That's only the cat in the coal hole.
SERGEANT (_leaving his chair and moves toward it_) He must be suffocatin'. I'll open the door an' let him out. Under the grate he should be a cold night like this. (_Opens the door and sees the Head_) Heavens be praised! 'Tis the Head himself!
[_The Head comes out, arranges his cap, and is not aware that he has a black spot on his nose_.
HEAD 'Tis the Head an' every inch an' ounce of him too that stands before ye.
SERGEANT I thought 'twas y'er ghost I saw.
HEAD (_angrily_) What the blazes would me ghost be doin' in a coal hole?
SERGEANT What I'd like to know is what y'erself have been doin' there.
HEAD That won't take me long to tell. Waitin' and watchin' to catch the likes o' you is what took me there.
SERGEANT Now, Head, with all due respects, I'd try an' tell the truth if I were you.
HEAD Sergeant Dooley, sir, anythin' you'll say or be likely to say 'll be used in evidence against you.
SERGEANT An' anythin' that you say or don't say may be used in evidence against you.
HEAD (_enraged_) Sergeant Dooley!
SERGEANT (_coolly_) Yes, Head.
HEAD Do you know that y'er addressin' y'er superior officer?
SERGEANT The less said about superiority the better.
HEAD You can't deny that I found you drinkin' on these licensed premises while on duty.
SERGEANT I might as well tell you candidly that you have no more chance o' frightenin' me or desaivin' me than you have of catchin' whales in Casey's duck-pond.
HEAD (_passionately_) I'll--I'll--I--
SERGEANT You'll have a drink from me, an' we'll say no more about the matter. I wouldn't blame any man for takin' a drop a cold night like this. I suppose 'twill be "Wise's" the same as the last? That's if me sense o' smell isn't out of order.
HEAD (_crestfallen, blows his breath on the palm of his hand and looks at the Sergeant_) Is it as bad as that?
SERGEANT I smelt it the instant I came in, an' wondered where 'twas comin' from.
HEAD I only took it to avoid catchin' cold.
SERGEANT Just like meself. We must avoid catchin' cold at any cost. (_To Mrs. Cotter_) Two glasses o' "Wise's," ma'am."
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter_.
SERGEANT (_to Head_) Wait, an' I'll wipe that black spot off ye'r nose.
[_He does so. Enter Mrs. Cotter_.
MRS. COTTER (_handing drinks_) The fire up-stairs is blazing away, an' there's no one sittin' by it.
HEAD We're all right. (_Holding glass_) Here's long life to us!
SERGEANT Health an' prosperity!
HEAD (_after finishing drink_) We must have another, for I'm not feelin' too well, an' 'tis better be on the safe side. 'Twas through neglect that some o' the best min died.
SERGEANT We must not forget that!
HEAD (_to Mrs. Cotter_) The same again, Mrs. Cotter.
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter with glasses_.
HEAD I saw be the papers last night that the Royal Irish Constabulary are the finest in the world.
SERGEANT Sure every one knows that!
HEAD I wonder what kind are all the others?
SERGEANT That's what I'd like to know.
MRS. COTTER (_at door_) Will I bring them up to the sittin'-room, gentlemen?
HEAD We're first class as we are, ma'am.
[_Mrs. Cotter hands the glasses and a loud knock is heard at the door_.
MRS. COTTER Who's there?
VOICE Police!
HEAD 'Tis the constable!
SERGEANT The bla'gard surely!
HEAD What'll we do?
SERGEANT Take the drinks first, an' consider after.
[_They finish drinks and hand back the glasses to Mrs. Cotter_.
HEAD I suppose we had better hide in the coal hole. He has a better nose than yourself, an' one word from him to the Inspector would soon deprive us o' both stripes an' pensions.
SERGEANT I suppose the coal hole is the best place, though it does offend me dignity to go there.
HEAD Wisha, bad luck to you an' ye'r dignity. Come on here!
[_The Head enters, and the Sergeant follows. Mrs. Cotter opens the street door and the Constable enters._
CONSTABLE (_sarcastically_) Thanks very much for openin' the door, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Constable. I was sayin' me prayers up-stairs before goin' to bed.
CONSTABLE If I had known that, I wouldn't have disturbed you. I hope you said one for me.
MRS. COTTER Of course I did. I always ses a prayer for the police.
CONSTABLE An' right too, ma'am, for 'tis little time we have for prayin'. There's no rest for a man once he joins the Force. Whin y're not kept busy thinkin' o' one thing, y're kept busy thinkin' o' somethin' else.
MRS. COTTER Thinkin' is worse than workin'.
CONSTABLE A hundred times. (_Looking at his watch_) 'Tis a long time since first Mass this mornin'. Saturday! Sunday! Monday! 'Tis all the same whin y're in the Force. On y'er feet all day, an' kep' awake be the childer all night. An' whin pay day comes, all y'er hard earnin's goes to keep the wolf from the door.
MRS. COTTER God help us!
CONSTABLE Say what ye will, but life is an awful bother.
MRS. COTTER We must go through it.
CONSTABLE Well, 'tis a good job we don't live as long as the alligators. We might have to support our grandchilder if we did, an' I may tell you it gives me enough to do to support me own.
MRS. COTTER How many have you now, Constable?
CONSTABLE Seven, an' the wife's mother.
MRS. COTTER I thought she was dead.
CONSTABLE (_disgusted_) Dead! There's five years more in her!
MRS. COTTER You seem to be in a very bad humor to-night.
CONSTABLE An' why not? When I have to put up with that bla'gard of a Sergeant--not to mention the Head-constable!
MRS. COTTER We all have our troubles.
CONSTABLE Some of us get more than our share. An' 'tis far from troublin' a dacent woman like you I'd be, only for the Sergeant, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER Excuse me, Constable. I can't keep me eyes open with the sleep.
CONSTABLE I'm sorry for troublin' you. But duty is duty, an' it must be done whether we give offence to our best friends or not. Sure, 'tis well I know that you have no one on the premises.
MRS. COTTER We can't please everybody.
CONSTABLE (_as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down_) Who would try? I wonder is it snow we're goin' to have?
MRS. COTTER If you're cold, come up to the fire in the sittin'-room. Or if I were you, I'd take a good walk.
CONSTABLE I'm tired o' walkin', an' the cold gives me no trouble. 'Tis the pains I have here (_placing his hand on his heart_) that affects me.
MRS. COTTER What sort are they?
CONSTABLE Cramps--of the worst kind.
MRS. COTTER Gracious me! Have you taken anythin' for them?