Chapter 28

Serene, accomplish’d, cheerful but not loud; Insinuating without insinuation; Observant of the foibles of the crowd, Yet ne’er betraying this in conversation; Proud with the proud, yet courteously proud, So as to make them feel he knew his station And theirs:—without a struggle for priority, He neither brook’d nor claim’d superiority.

That is, with men: with women he was what They pleased to make or take him for; and their Imagination ’s quite enough for that: So that the outline ’s tolerably fair, They fill the canvas up—and ‘verbum sat.’ If once their phantasies be brought to bear Upon an object, whether sad or playful, They can transfigure brighter than a Raphael.

Adeline, no deep judge of character, Was apt to add a colouring from her own: ’Tis thus the good will amiably err, And eke the wise, as has been often shown. Experience is the chief philosopher, But saddest when his science is well known: And persecuted sages teach the schools Their folly in forgetting there are fools.

Was it not so, great Locke? and greater Bacon? Great Socrates? And thou, Diviner still, Whose lot it is by man to be mistaken, And thy pure creed made sanction of all ill? Redeeming worlds to be by bigots shaken, How was thy toil rewarded? We might fill Volumes with similar sad illustrations, But leave them to the conscience of the nations.

I perch upon an humbler promontory, Amidst life’s infinite variety: With no great care for what is nicknamed glory, But speculating as I cast mine eye On what may suit or may not suit my story, And never straining hard to versify, I rattle on exactly as I’d talk With any body in a ride or walk.

I don’t know that there may be much ability Shown in this sort of desultory rhyme; But there’s a conversational facility, Which may round off an hour upon a time. Of this I’m sure at least, there’s no servility In mine irregularity of chime, Which rings what ’s uppermost of new or hoary, Just as I feel the ‘Improvvisatore.’

‘Omnia vult belle Matho dicere—dic aliquando Et bene, dic neutrum, dic aliquando male.’ The first is rather more than mortal can do; The second may be sadly done or gaily; The third is still more difficult to stand to; The fourth we hear, and see, and say too, daily. The whole together is what I could wish To serve in this conundrum of a dish.

A modest hope—but modesty ’s my forte, And pride my feeble:—let us ramble on. I meant to make this poem very short, But now I can’t tell where it may not run. No doubt, if I had wish’ to pay my court To critics, or to hail the setting sun Of tyranny of all kinds, my concision Were more;—but I was born for opposition.

But then ’tis mostly on the weaker side; So that I verily believe if they Who now are basking in their full-blown pride Were shaken down, and ‘dogs had had their day,’ Though at the first I might perchance deride Their tumble, I should turn the other way, And wax an ultra-royalist in loyalty, Because I hate even democratic royalty.

I think I should have made a decent spouse, If I had never proved the soft condition; I think I should have made monastic vows, But for my own peculiar superstition: ’Gainst rhyme I never should have knock’d my brows, Nor broken my own head, nor that of Priscian, Nor worn the motley mantle of a poet, If some one had not told me to forego it.

But ‘laissez aller’—knights and dames I sing, Such as the times may furnish. ’Tis a flight Which seems at first to need no lofty wing, Plumed by Longinus or the Stagyrite: The difficultly lies in colouring (Keeping the due proportions still in sight) With nature manners which are artificial, And rend’ring general that which is especial.

The difference is, that in the days of old Men made the manners; manners now make men— Pinn’d like a flock, and fleeced too in their fold, At least nine, and a ninth beside of ten. Now this at all events must render cold Your writers, who must either draw again Days better drawn before, or else assume The present, with their common-place costume.

We’ll do our best to make the best on ’t:—March! March, my Muse! If you cannot fly, yet flutter; And when you may not be sublime, be arch, Or starch, as are the edicts statesmen utter. We surely may find something worth research: Columbus found a new world in a cutter, Or brigantine, or pink, of no great tonnage, While yet America was in her non-age.

When Adeline, in all her growing sense Of Juan’s merits and his situation, Felt on the whole an interest intense,— Partly perhaps because a fresh sensation, Or that he had an air of innocence, Which is for innocence a sad temptation,— As women hate half measures, on the whole, She ’gan to ponder how to save his soul.

She had a good opinion of advice, Like all who give and eke receive it gratis, For which small thanks are still the market price, Even where the article at highest rate is: She thought upon the subject twice or thrice, And morally decided, the best state is For morals, marriage; and this question carried, She seriously advised him to get married.

Juan replied, with all becoming deference, He had a predilection for that tie; But that, at present, with immediate reference To his own circumstances, there might lie Some difficulties, as in his own preference, Or that of her to whom he might apply: That still he’d wed with such or such a lady, If that they were not married all already.

Next to the making matches for herself, And daughters, brothers, sisters, kith or kin, Arranging them like books on the same shelf, There’s nothing women love to dabble in More (like a stock-holder in growing pelf) Than match-making in general: ’tis no sin Certes, but a preventative, and therefore That is, no doubt, the only reason wherefore.

But never yet (except of course a miss Unwed, or mistress never to be wed, Or wed already, who object to this) Was there chaste dame who had not in her head Some drama of the marriage unities, Observed as strictly both at board and bed As those of Aristotle, though sometimes They turn out melodrames or pantomimes.

They generally have some only son, Some heir to a large property, some friend Of an old family, some gay Sir John, Or grave Lord George, with whom perhaps might end A line, and leave posterity undone, Unless a marriage was applied to mend The prospect and their morals: and besides, They have at hand a blooming glut of brides.

From these they will be careful to select, For this an heiress, and for that a beauty; For one a songstress who hath no defect, For t’ other one who promises much duty; For this a lady no one can reject, Whose sole accomplishments were quite a booty; A second for her excellent connections; A third, because there can be no objections.

When Rapp the Harmonist embargo’d marriage In his harmonious settlement (which flourishes Strangely enough as yet without miscarriage, Because it breeds no more mouths than it nourishes, Without those sad expenses which disparage What Nature naturally most encourages)— Why call’d he ‘Harmony’ a state sans wedlock? Now here I’ve got the preacher at a dead lock.

Because he either meant to sneer at harmony Or marriage, by divorcing them thus oddly. But whether reverend Rapp learn’d this in Germany Or no, ’tis said his sect is rich and godly, Pious and pure, beyond what I can term any Of ours, although they propagate more broadly. My objection ’s to his title, not his ritual, Although I wonder how it grew habitual.

But Rapp is the reverse of zealous matrons, Who favour, malgré Malthus, generation— Professors of that genial art, and patrons Of all the modest part of propagation; Which after all at such a desperate rate runs, That half its produce tends to emigration, That sad result of passions and potatoes— Two weeds which pose our economic Catos.

Had Adeline read Malthus? I can’t tell; I wish she had: his book ’s the eleventh commandment, Which says, ‘Thou shalt not marry,’ unless well: This he (as far as I can understand) meant. ’Tis not my purpose on his views to dwell Nor canvass what so ‘eminent a hand’ meant; But certes it conducts to lives ascetic, Or turning marriage into arithmetic.

But Adeline, who probably presumed That Juan had enough of maintenance, Or separate maintenance, in case ’twas doom’d— As on the whole it is an even chance That bridegrooms, after they are fairly groom’d, May retrograde a little in the dance Of marriage (which might form a painter’s fame, Like Holbein’s ‘Dance of Death’—but ’tis the same);—

But Adeline determined Juan’s wedding In her own mind, and that ’s enough for woman: But then, with whom? There was the sage Miss Reading, Miss Raw, Miss Flaw, Miss Showman, and Miss Knowman. And the two fair co-heiresses Giltbedding. She deem’d his merits something more than common: All these were unobjectionable matches, And might go on, if well wound up, like watches.

There was Miss Millpond, smooth as summer’s sea, That usual paragon, an only daughter, Who seem’d the cream of equanimity Till skimm’d—and then there was some milk and water, With a slight shade of blue too, it might be, Beneath the surface; but what did it matter? Love ’s riotous, but marriage should have quiet, And being consumptive, live on a milk diet.

And then there was the Miss Audacia Shoestring, A dashing demoiselle of good estate, Whose heart was fix’d upon a star or blue string; But whether English dukes grew rare of late, Or that she had not harp’d upon the true string, By which such sirens can attract our great, She took up with some foreign younger brother, A Russ or Turk—the one ’s as good as t’ other.

And then there was—but why should I go on, Unless the ladies should go off?—there was Indeed a certain fair and fairy one, Of the best class, and better than her class,— Aurora Raby, a young star who shone O’er life, too sweet an image for such glass, A lovely being, scarcely form’d or moulded, A rose with all its sweetest leaves yet folded;

Rich, noble, but an orphan; left an only Child to the care of guardians good and kind; But still her aspect had an air so lonely! Blood is not water; and where shall we find Feelings of youth like those which overthrown lie By death, when we are left, alas! behind, To feel, in friendless palaces, a home Is wanting, and our best ties in the tomb?

Early in years, and yet more infantine In figure, she had something of sublime In eyes which sadly shone, as seraphs’ shine. All youth—but with an aspect beyond time; Radiant and grave—as pitying man’s decline; Mournful—but mournful of another’s crime, She look’d as if she sat by Eden’s door. And grieved for those who could return no more.

She was a Catholic, too, sincere, austere, As far as her own gentle heart allow’d, And deem’d that fallen worship far more dear Perhaps because ’twas fallen: her sires were proud Of deeds and days when they had fill’d the ear Of nations, and had never bent or bow’d To novel power; and as she was the last, She held their old faith and old feelings fast.

She gazed upon a world she scarcely knew, As seeking not to know it; silent, lone, As grows a flower, thus quietly she grew, And kept her heart serene within its zone. There was awe in the homage which she drew; Her spirit seem’d as seated on a throne Apart from the surrounding world, and strong In its own strength—most strange in one so young!

Now it so happen’d, in the catalogue Of Adeline, Aurora was omitted, Although her birth and wealth had given her vogue Beyond the charmers we have already cited; Her beauty also seem’d to form no clog Against her being mention’d as well fitted, By many virtues, to be worth the trouble Of single gentlemen who would be double.

And this omission, like that of the bust Of Brutus at the pageant of Tiberius, Made Juan wonder, as no doubt he must. This he express’d half smiling and half serious; When Adeline replied with some disgust, And with an air, to say the least, imperious, She marvell’d ‘what he saw in such a baby As that prim, silent, cold Aurora Raby?’

Juan rejoin’d—‘She was a Catholic, And therefore fittest, as of his persuasion; Since he was sure his mother would fall sick, And the Pope thunder excommunication, If—’ But here Adeline, who seem’d to pique Herself extremely on the inoculation Of others with her own opinions, stated— As usual—the same reason which she late did.

And wherefore not? A reasonable reason, If good, is none the worse for repetition; If bad, the best way ’s certainly to tease on, And amplify: you lose much by concision, Whereas insisting in or out of season Convinces all men, even a politician; Or—what is just the same—it wearies out. So the end ’s gain’d, what signifies the route?

Why Adeline had this slight prejudice— For prejudice it was—against a creature As pure as sanctity itself from vice, With all the added charm of form and feature, For me appears a question far too nice, Since Adeline was liberal by nature; But nature ’s nature, and has more caprices Than I have time, or will, to take to pieces.

Perhaps she did not like the quiet way With which Aurora on those baubles look’d, Which charm most people in their earlier day: For there are few things by mankind less brook’d, And womankind too, if we so may say, Than finding thus their genius stand rebuked, Like ‘Anthony’s by Caesar,’ by the few Who look upon them as they ought to do.

It was not envy—Adeline had none; Her place was far beyond it, and her mind. It was not scorn—which could not light on one Whose greatest fault was leaving few to find. It was not jealousy, I think: but shun Following the ‘ignes fatui’ of mankind. It was not—but ’tis easier far, alas! To say what it was not than what it was.

Little Aurora deem’d she was the theme Of such discussion. She was there a guest; A beauteous ripple of the brilliant stream Of rank and youth, though purer than the rest, Which flow’d on for a moment in the beam Time sheds a moment o’er each sparkling crest. Had she known this, she would have calmly smiled— She had so much, or little, of the child.

The dashing and proud air of Adeline Imposed not upon her: she saw her blaze Much as she would have seen a glow-worm shine, Then turn’d unto the stars for loftier rays. Juan was something she could not divine, Being no sibyl in the new world’s ways; Yet she was nothing dazzled by the meteor, Because she did not pin her faith on feature.

His fame too,—for he had that kind of fame Which sometimes plays the deuce with womankind, A heterogeneous mass of glorious blame, Half virtues and whole vices being combined; Faults which attract because they are not tame; Follies trick’d out so brightly that they blind:— These seals upon her wax made no impression, Such was her coldness or her self-possession.

Juan knew nought of such a character— High, yet resembling not his lost Haidee; Yet each was radiant in her proper sphere: The island girl, bred up by the lone sea, More warm, as lovely, and not less sincere, Was Nature’s all: Aurora could not be, Nor would be thus:—the difference in them Was such as lies between a flower and gem.

Having wound up with this sublime comparison, Methinks we may proceed upon our narrative, And, as my friend Scott says, ‘I sound my warison;’ Scott, the superlative of my comparative— Scott, who can paint your Christian knight or Saracen, Serf, lord, man, with such skill as none would share it, if There had not been one Shakspeare and Voltaire, Of one or both of whom he seems the heir.

I say, in my slight way I may proceed To play upon the surface of humanity. I write the world, nor care if the world read, At least for this I cannot spare its vanity. My Muse hath bred, and still perhaps may breed More foes by this same scroll: when I began it, I Thought that it might turn out so—now I know it, But still I am, or was, a pretty poet.

The conference or congress (for it ended As congresses of late do) of the Lady Adeline and Don Juan rather blended Some acids with the sweets—for she was heady; But, ere the matter could be marr’d or mended, The silvery bell rang, not for ‘dinner ready, But for that hour, call’d half-hour, given to dress, Though ladies’ robes seem scant enough for less.

Great things were now to be achieved at table, With massy plate for armour, knives and forks For weapons; but what Muse since Homer ’s able (His feasts are not the worst part of his works) To draw up in array a single day-bill Of modern dinners? where more mystery lurks, In soups or sauces, or a sole ragout, Than witches, b—ches, or physicians, brew.

There was a goodly ‘soupe a la bonne femme,’ Though God knows whence it came from; there was, too, A turbot for relief of those who cram, Relieved with ‘dindon à la Parigeux;’ There also was—the sinner that I am! How shall I get this gourmand stanza through?— ‘Soupe à la Beauveau,’ whose relief was dory, Relieved itself by pork, for greater glory.

But I must crowd all into one grand mess Or mass; for should I stretch into detail, My Muse would run much more into excess, Than when some squeamish people deem her frail. But though a ‘bonne vivante,’ I must confess Her stomach ’s not her peccant part; this tale However doth require some slight refection, Just to relieve her spirits from dejection.

Fowls ‘à la Condé,’ slices eke of salmon, With ‘sauces Génévoises,’ and haunch of venison; Wines too, which might again have slain young Ammon— A man like whom I hope we shan’t see many soon; They also set a glazed Westphalian ham on, Whereon Apicius would bestow his benison; And then there was champagne with foaming whirls, As white as Cleopatra’s melted pearls.

Then there was God knows what ‘à l’Allemande,’ ‘A l’Espagnole,’ ‘timballe,’ and ‘salpicon’— With things I can’t withstand or understand, Though swallow’d with much zest upon the whole; And ‘entremets’ to piddle with at hand, Gently to lull down the subsiding soul; While great Lucullus’ Robe triumphal muffles (There’s fame) young partridge fillets, deck’d with truffles.

What are the fillets on the victor’s brow To these? They are rags or dust. Where is the arch Which nodded to the nation’s spoils below? Where the triumphal chariots’ haughty march? Gone to where victories must like dinners go. Farther I shall not follow the research: But oh! ye modern heroes with your cartridges, When will your names lend lustre e’en to partridges?

Those truffles too are no bad accessaries, Follow’d by ‘petits puits d’amour’—a dish Of which perhaps the cookery rather varies, So every one may dress it to his wish, According to the best of dictionaries, Which encyclopedize both flesh and fish; But even sans ‘confitures,’ it no less true is, There’s pretty picking in those ‘petits puits.’

The mind is lost in mighty contemplation Of intellect expanded on two courses; And indigestion’s grand multiplication Requires arithmetic beyond my forces. Who would suppose, from Adam’s simple ration, That cookery could have call’d forth such resources, As form a science and a nomenclature From out the commonest demands of nature?

The glasses jingled, and the palates tingled; The diners of celebrity dined well; The ladies with more moderation mingled In the feast, pecking less than I can tell; Also the younger men too: for a springald Can’t, like ripe age, in gormandize excel, But thinks less of good eating than the whisper (When seated next him) of some pretty lisper.

Alas! I must leave undescribed the gibier, The salmi, the consommé, the purée, All which I use to make my rhymes run glibber Than could roast beef in our rough John Bull way: I must not introduce even a spare rib here, ‘Bubble and squeak’ would spoil my liquid lay: But I have dined, and must forego, Alas! The chaste description even of a ‘bécasse;’

And fruits, and ice, and all that art refines From nature for the service of the gout— Taste or the gout,—pronounce it as inclines Your stomach! Ere you dine, the French will do; But after, there are sometimes certain signs Which prove plain English truer of the two. Hast ever had the gout? I have not had it— But I may have, and you too, reader, dread it.

The simple olives, best allies of wine, Must I pass over in my bill of fare? I must, although a favourite ‘plat’ of mine In Spain, and Lucca, Athens, every where: On them and bread ’twas oft my luck to dine, The grass my table-cloth, in open-air, On Sunium or Hymettus, like Diogenes, Of whom half my philosophy the progeny is.

Amidst this tumult of fish, flesh, and fowl, And vegetables, all in masquerade, The guests were placed according to their roll, But various as the various meats display’d: Don Juan sat next an ‘à l’Espagnole’— No damsel, but a dish, as hath been said; But so far like a lady, that ’twas drest Superbly, and contain’d a world of zest.

By some odd chance too, he was placed between Aurora and the Lady Adeline— A situation difficult, I ween, For man therein, with eyes and heart, to dine. Also the conference which we have seen Was not such as to encourage him to shine; For Adeline, addressing few words to him, With two transcendent eyes seem’d to look through him.

I sometimes almost think that eyes have ears: This much is sure, that, out of earshot, things Are somehow echoed to the pretty dears, Of which I can’t tell whence their knowledge springs. Like that same mystic music of the spheres, Which no one hears, so loudly though it rings, ’Tis wonderful how oft the sex have heard Long dialogues—which pass’d without a word!

Aurora sat with that indifference Which piques a preux chevalier—as it ought: Of all offences that ’s the worst offence, Which seems to hint you are not worth a thought. Now Juan, though no coxcomb in pretence, Was not exactly pleased to be so caught; Like a good ship entangled among ice, And after so much excellent advice.

To his gay nothings, nothing was replied, Or something which was nothing, as urbanity Required. Aurora scarcely look’d aside, Nor even smiled enough for any vanity. The devil was in the girl! Could it be pride? Or modesty, or absence, or inanity? Heaven knows? But Adeline’s malicious eyes Sparkled with her successful prophecies,

And look’d as much as if to say, ‘I said it;’ A kind of triumph I’ll not recommend, Because it sometimes, as I have seen or read it, Both in the case of lover and of friend, Will pique a gentleman, for his own credit, To bring what was a jest to a serious end: For all men prophesy what is or was, And hate those who won’t let them come to pass.

Juan was drawn thus into some attentions, Slight but select, and just enough to express, To females of perspicuous comprehensions, That he would rather make them more than less. Aurora at the last (so history mentions, Though probably much less a fact than guess) So far relax’d her thoughts from their sweet prison, As once or twice to smile, if not to listen.

From answering she began to question; this With her was rare: and Adeline, who as yet Thought her predictions went not much amiss, Began to dread she’d thaw to a coquette— So very difficult, they say, it is To keep extremes from meeting, when once set In motion; but she here too much refined— Aurora’s spirit was not of that kind.