Chapter 27

Of all the horrid, hideous notes of woe, Sadder than owl-songs or the midnight blast, Is that portentous phrase, ‘I told you so,’ Utter’d by friends, those prophets of the past, Who, ’stead of saying what you now should do, Own they foresaw that you would fall at last, And solace your slight lapse ’gainst ‘bonos mores,’ With a long memorandum of old stories.

The Lady Adeline’s serene severity Was not confined to feeling for her friend, Whose fame she rather doubted with posterity, Unless her habits should begin to mend: But Juan also shared in her austerity, But mix’d with pity, pure as e’er was penn’d: His inexperience moved her gentle ruth, And (as her junior by six weeks) his youth.

These forty days’ advantage of her years— And hers were those which can face calculation, Boldly referring to the list of peers And noble births, nor dread the enumeration— Gave her a right to have maternal fears For a young gentleman’s fit education, Though she was far from that leap year, whose leap, In female dates, strikes Time all of a heap.

This may be fix’d at somewhere before thirty— Say seven-and-twenty; for I never knew The strictest in chronology and virtue Advance beyond, while they could pass for new. O Time! why dost not pause? Thy scythe, so dirty With rust, should surely cease to hack and hew. Reset it; shave more smoothly, also slower, If but to keep thy credit as a mower.

But Adeline was far from that ripe age, Whose ripeness is but bitter at the best: ’Twas rather her experience made her sage, For she had seen the world and stood its test, As I have said in—I forget what page; My Muse despises reference, as you have guess’d By this time;—but strike six from seven-and-twenty, And you will find her sum of years in plenty.

At sixteen she came out; presented, vaunted, She put all coronets into commotion: At seventeen, too, the world was still enchanted With the new Venus of their brilliant ocean: At eighteen, though below her feet still panted A hecatomb of suitors with devotion, She had consented to create again That Adam, call’d ‘The happiest of men.’

Since then she had sparkled through three glowing winters, Admired, adored; but also so correct, That she had puzzled all the acutest hinters, Without the apparel of being circumspect: They could not even glean the slightest splinters From off the marble, which had no defect. She had also snatch’d a moment since her marriage To bear a son and heir—and one miscarriage.

Fondly the wheeling fire-flies flew around her, Those little glitterers of the London night; But none of these possess’d a sting to wound her— She was a pitch beyond a coxcomb’s flight. Perhaps she wish’d an aspirant profounder; But whatsoe’er she wish’d, she acted right; And whether coldness, pride, or virtue dignify A woman, so she ’s good, what does it signify?

I hate a motive, like a lingering bottle Which with the landlord makes too long a stand, Leaving all-claretless the unmoisten’d throttle, Especially with politics on hand; I hate it, as I hate a drove of cattle, Who whirl the dust as simooms whirl the sand; I hate it, as I hate an argument, A laureate’s ode, or servile peer’s ‘content.’

’Tis sad to hack into the roots of things, They are so much intertwisted with the earth; So that the branch a goodly verdure flings, I reck not if an acorn gave it birth. To trace all actions to their secret springs Would make indeed some melancholy mirth; But this is not at present my concern, And I refer you to wise Oxenstiern.

With the kind view of saving an eclat, Both to the duchess and diplomatist, The Lady Adeline, as soon ’s she saw That Juan was unlikely to resist (For foreigners don’t know that a faux pas In England ranks quite on a different list From those of other lands unblest with juries, Whose verdict for such sin a certain cure is);—

The Lady Adeline resolved to take Such measures as she thought might best impede The farther progress of this sad mistake. She thought with some simplicity indeed; But innocence is bold even at the stake, And simple in the world, and doth not need Nor use those palisades by dames erected, Whose virtue lies in never being detected.

It was not that she fear’d the very worst: His Grace was an enduring, married man, And was not likely all at once to burst Into a scene, and swell the clients’ clan Of Doctors’ Commons: but she dreaded first The magic of her Grace’s talisman, And next a quarrel (as he seem’d to fret) With Lord Augustus Fitz-Plantagenet.

Her Grace, too, pass’d for being an intrigante, And somewhat méchante in her amorous sphere; One of those pretty, precious plagues, which haunt A lover with caprices soft and dear, That like to make a quarrel, when they can’t Find one, each day of the delightful year; Bewitching, torturing, as they freeze or glow, And—what is worst of all—won’t let you go:

The sort of thing to turn a young man’s head, Or make a Werter of him in the end. No wonder then a purer soul should dread This sort of chaste liaison for a friend; It were much better to be wed or dead, Than wear a heart a woman loves to rend. ’Tis best to pause, and think, ere you rush on, If that a ‘bonne fortune’ be really ‘bonne.’

And first, in the o’erflowing of her heart, Which really knew or thought it knew no guile, She call’d her husband now and then apart, And bade him counsel Juan. With a smile Lord Henry heard her plans of artless art To wean Don Juan from the siren’s wile; And answer’d, like a statesman or a prophet, In such guise that she could make nothing of it.

Firstly, he said, ‘he never interfered In any body’s business but the king’s:’ Next, that ‘he never judged from what appear’d, Without strong reason, of those sort of things:’ Thirdly, that ‘Juan had more brain than beard, And was not to be held in leading strings;’ And fourthly, what need hardly be said twice, ‘That good but rarely came from good advice.’

And, therefore, doubtless to approve the truth Of the last axiom, he advised his spouse To leave the parties to themselves, forsooth— At least as far as bienséance allows: That time would temper Juan’s faults of youth; That young men rarely made monastic vows; That opposition only more attaches— But here a messenger brought in despatches:

And being of the council call’d ‘the Privy,’ Lord Henry walk’d into his cabinet, To furnish matter for some future Livy To tell how he reduced the nation’s debt; And if their full contents I do not give ye, It is because I do not know them yet; But I shall add them in a brief appendix, To come between mine epic and its index.

But ere he went, he added a slight hint, Another gentle common-place or two, Such as are coin’d in conversation’s mint, And pass, for want of better, though not new: Then broke his packet, to see what was in ’t, And having casually glanced it through, Retired; and, as went out, calmly kiss’d her, Less like a young wife than an aged sister.

He was a cold, good, honourable man, Proud of his birth, and proud of every thing; A goodly spirit for a state divan, A figure fit to walk before a king; Tall, stately, form’d to lead the courtly van On birthdays, glorious with a star and string; The very model of a chamberlain— And such I mean to make him when I reign.

But there was something wanting on the whole— I don’t know what, and therefore cannot tell— Which pretty women—the sweet souls!—call soul. Certes it was not body; he was well Proportion’d, as a poplar or a pole, A handsome man, that human miracle; And in each circumstance of love or war Had still preserved his perpendicular.

Still there was something wanting, as I’ve said— That undefinable ‘Je ne sçais quoi,’ Which, for what I know, may of yore have led To Homer’s Iliad, since it drew to Troy The Greek Eve, Helen, from the Spartan’s bed; Though on the whole, no doubt, the Dardan boy Was much inferior to King Menelaus:— But thus it is some women will betray us.

There is an awkward thing which much perplexes, Unless like wise Tiresias we had proved By turns the difference of the several sexes; Neither can show quite how they would be loved. The sensual for a short time but connects us, The sentimental boasts to be unmoved; But both together form a kind of centaur, Upon whose back ’tis better not to venture.

A something all-sufficient for the heart Is that for which the sex are always seeking: But how to fill up that same vacant part? There lies the rub—and this they are but weak in. Frail mariners afloat without a chart, They run before the wind through high seas breaking; And when they have made the shore through every shock, ’Tis odd, or odds, it may turn out a rock.

There is a flower call’d ‘Love in Idleness,’ For which see Shakspeare’s everblooming garden;— I will not make his great description less, And beg his British godship’s humble pardon, If in my extremity of rhyme’s distress, I touch a single leaf where he is warden;— But though the flower is different, with the French Or Swiss Rousseau, cry ‘Voilà la Pervenche!’

Eureka! I have found it! What I mean To say is, not that love is idleness, But that in love such idleness has been An accessory, as I have cause to guess. Hard labour’s an indifferent go-between; Your men of business are not apt to express Much passion, since the merchant-ship, the Argo, Convey’d Medea as her supercargo.

‘Beatus ille procul!’ from ‘negotiis,’ Saith Horace; the great little poet ’s wrong; His other maxim, ‘Noscitur a sociis,’ Is much more to the purpose of his song; Though even that were sometimes too ferocious, Unless good company be kept too long; But, in his teeth, whate’er their state or station, Thrice happy they who have an occupation!

Adam exchanged his Paradise for ploughing, Eve made up millinery with fig leaves— The earliest knowledge from the tree so knowing, As far as I know, that the church receives: And since that time it need not cost much showing, That many of the ills o’er which man grieves, And still more women, spring from not employing Some hours to make the remnant worth enjoying.

And hence high life is oft a dreary void, A rack of pleasures, where we must invent A something wherewithal to be annoy’d. Bards may sing what they please about Content; Contented, when translated, means but cloy’d; And hence arise the woes of sentiment, Blue devils, and blue-stockings, and romances Reduced to practice, and perform’d like dances.

I do declare, upon an affidavit, Romances I ne’er read like those I have seen; Nor, if unto the world I ever gave it, Would some believe that such a tale had been: But such intent I never had, nor have it; Some truths are better kept behind a screen, Especially when they would look like lies; I therefore deal in generalities.

‘An oyster may be cross’d in love,’—and why? Because he mopeth idly in his shell, And heaves a lonely subterraqueous sigh, Much as a monk may do within his cell: And a-propos of monks, their piety With sloth hath found it difficult to dwell; Those vegetables of the Catholic creed Are apt exceedingly to run to seed.

O Wilberforce! thou man of black renown, Whose merit none enough can sing or say, Thou hast struck one immense Colossus down, Thou moral Washington of Africa! But there’s another little thing, I own, Which you should perpetrate some summer’s day, And set the other halt of earth to rights; You have freed the blacks—now pray shut up the whites.

Shut up the bald-coot bully Alexander! Ship off the Holy Three to Senegal; Teach them that ‘sauce for goose is sauce for gander,’ And ask them how they like to be in thrall? Shut up each high heroic salamander, Who eats fire gratis (since the pay ’s but small); Shut up—no, not the King, but the Pavilion, Or else ’twill cost us all another million.

Shut up the world at large, let Bedlam out; And you will be perhaps surprised to find All things pursue exactly the same route, As now with those of soi-disant sound mind. This I could prove beyond a single doubt, Were there a jot of sense among mankind; But till that point d’appui is found, alas! Like Archimedes, I leave earth as ’twas.

Our gentle Adeline had one defect— Her heart was vacant, though a splendid mansion; Her conduct had been perfectly correct, As she had seen nought claiming its expansion. A wavering spirit may be easier wreck’d, Because ’tis frailer, doubtless, than a stanch one; But when the latter works its own undoing, Its inner crash is like an earthquake’s ruin.

She loved her lord, or thought so; but that love Cost her an effort, which is a sad toil, The stone of Sisyphus, if once we move Our feelings ’gainst the nature of the soil. She had nothing to complain of, or reprove, No bickerings, no connubial turmoil: Their union was a model to behold, Serene and noble,—conjugal, but cold.

There was no great disparity of years, Though much in temper; but they never clash’d: They moved like stars united in their spheres, Or like the Rhone by Leman’s waters wash’d, Where mingled and yet separate appears The river from the lake, all bluely dash’d Through the serene and placid glassy deep, Which fain would lull its river-child to sleep.

Now when she once had ta’en an interest In any thing, however she might flatter Herself that her intentions were the best, Intense intentions are a dangerous matter: Impressions were much stronger than she guess’d, And gather’d as they run like growing water Upon her mind; the more so, as her breast Was not at first too readily impress’d.

But when it was, she had that lurking demon Of double nature, and thus doubly named— Firmness yclept in heroes, kings, and seamen, That is, when they succeed; but greatly blamed As obstinacy, both in men and women, Whene’er their triumph pales, or star is tamed:— And ’twill perplex the casuist in morality To fix the due bounds of this dangerous quality.

Had Buonaparte won at Waterloo, It had been firmness; now ’tis pertinacity: Must the event decide between the two? I leave it to your people of sagacity To draw the line between the false and true, If such can e’er be drawn by man’s capacity: My business is with Lady Adeline, Who in her way too was a heroine.

She knew not her own heart; then how should I? I think not she was then in love with Juan: If so, she would have had the strength to fly The wild sensation, unto her a new one: She merely felt a common sympathy (I will not say it was a false or true one) In him, because she thought he was in danger,— Her husband’s friend, her own, young, and a stranger.

She was, or thought she was, his friend—and this Without the farce of friendship, or romance Of Platonism, which leads so oft amiss Ladies who have studied friendship but in France, Or Germany, where people purely kiss. To thus much Adeline would not advance; But of such friendship as man’s may to man be She was as capable as woman can be.

No doubt the secret influence of the sex Will there, as also in the ties of blood, An innocent predominance annex, And tune the concord to a finer mood. If free from passion, which all friendship checks, And your true feelings fully understood, No friend like to a woman earth discovers, So that you have not been nor will be lovers.

Love bears within its breast the very germ Of change; and how should this be otherwise? That violent things more quickly find a term Is shown through nature’s whole analogies; And how should the most fierce of all be firm? Would you have endless lightning in the skies? Methinks Love’s very title says enough: How should ‘the tender passion’ e’er be tough?

Alas! by all experience, seldom yet (I merely quote what I have heard from many) Had lovers not some reason to regret The passion which made Solomon a zany. I’ve also seen some wives (not to forget The marriage state, the best or worst of any) Who were the very paragons of wives, Yet made the misery of at least two lives.

I’ve also seen some female friends ( ’tis odd, But true—as, if expedient, I could prove) That faithful were through thick and thin, abroad, At home, far more than ever yet was Love— Who did not quit me when Oppression trod Upon me; whom no scandal could remove; Who fought, and fight, in absence, too, my battles, Despite the snake Society’s loud rattles.

Whether Don Juan and chaste Adeline Grew friends in this or any other sense, Will be discuss’d hereafter, I opine: At present I am glad of a pretence To leave them hovering, as the effect is fine, And keeps the atrocious reader in suspense; The surest way for ladies and for books To bait their tender, or their tenter, hooks.

Whether they rode, or walk’d, or studied Spanish To read Don Quixote in the original, A pleasure before which all others vanish; Whether their talk was of the kind call’d ‘small,’ Or serious, are the topics I must banish To the next Canto; where perhaps I shall Say something to the purpose, and display Considerable talent in my way.

Above all, I beg all men to forbear Anticipating aught about the matter: They’ll only make mistakes about the fair, And Juan too, especially the latter. And I shall take a much more serious air Than I have yet done, in this epic satire. It is not clear that Adeline and Juan Will fall; but if they do, ’twill be their ruin.

But great things spring from little:—Would you think, That in our youth, as dangerous a passion As e’er brought man and woman to the brink Of ruin, rose from such a slight occasion, As few would ever dream could form the link Of such a sentimental situation? You’ll never guess, I’ll bet you millions, milliards— It all sprung from a harmless game at billiards.

’Tis strange,—but true; for truth is always strange; Stranger than fiction; if it could be told, How much would novels gain by the exchange! How differently the world would men behold! How oft would vice and virtue places change! The new world would be nothing to the old, If some Columbus of the moral seas Would show mankind their souls’ antipodes.

What ‘antres vast and deserts idle’ then Would be discover’d in the human soul! What icebergs in the hearts of mighty men, With self-love in the centre as their pole! What Anthropophagi are nine of ten Of those who hold the kingdoms in control Were things but only call’d by their right name, Caesar himself would be ashamed of fame.

CANTO THE FIFTEENTH.

Ah!—What should follow slips from my reflection; Whatever follows ne’ertheless may be As _à propos_ of hope or retrospection, As though the lurking thought had follow’d free. All present life is but an interjection, An ‘Oh!’ or ‘Ah!’ of joy or misery, Or a ‘Ha! ha!’ or ‘Bah!’—a yawn, or ‘Pooh!’ Of which perhaps the latter is most true.

But, more or less, the whole ’s a syncope Or a singultus—emblems of emotion, The grand antithesis to great ennui, Wherewith we break our bubbles on the ocean,— That watery outline of eternity, Or miniature at least, as is my notion, Which ministers unto the soul’s delight, In seeing matters which are out of sight.

But all are better than the sigh supprest, Corroding in the cavern of the heart, Making the countenance a masque of rest, And turning human nature to an art. Few men dare show their thoughts of worst or best; Dissimulation always sets apart A corner for herself; and therefore fiction Is that which passes with least contradiction.

Ah! who can tell? Or rather, who can not Remember, without telling, passion’s errors? The drainer of oblivion, even the sot, Hath got blue devils for his morning mirrors: What though on Lethe’s stream he seem to float, He cannot sink his tremors or his terrors; The ruby glass that shakes within his hand Leaves a sad sediment of Time’s worst sand.

And as for love—O love!—We will proceed. The Lady Adeline Amundeville, A pretty name as one would wish to read, Must perch harmonious on my tuneful quill. There’s music in the sighing of a reed; There’s music in the gushing of a rill; There’s music in all things, if men had ears: Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.

The Lady Adeline, right honourable; And honour’d, ran a risk of growing less so; For few of the soft sex are very stable In their resolves—alas! that I should say so! They differ as wine differs from its label, When once decanted;—I presume to guess so, But will not swear: yet both upon occasion, Till old, may undergo adulteration.

But Adeline was of the purest vintage, The unmingled essence of the grape; and yet Bright as a new Napoleon from its mintage, Or glorious as a diamond richly set; A page where Time should hesitate to print age, And for which Nature might forego her debt— Sole creditor whose process doth involve in ’t The luck of finding every body solvent.

O Death! thou dunnest of all duns! thou daily Knockest at doors, at first with modest tap, Like a meek tradesman when, approaching palely, Some splendid debtor he would take by sap: But oft denied, as patience ’gins to fail, he Advances with exasperated rap, And (if let in) insists, in terms unhandsome, On ready money, or ‘a draft on Ransom.’

Whate’er thou takest, spare a while poor Beauty! She is so rare, and thou hast so much prey. What though she now and then may slip from duty, The more ’s the reason why you ought to stay. Gaunt Gourmand! with whole nations for your booty, You should be civil in a modest way: Suppress, then, some slight feminine diseases, And take as many heroes as Heaven pleases.

Fair Adeline, the more ingenuous Where she was interested (as was said), Because she was not apt, like some of us, To like too readily, or too high bred To show it (points we need not now discuss)— Would give up artlessly both heart and head Unto such feelings as seem’d innocent, For objects worthy of the sentiment.

Some parts of Juan’s history, which Rumour, That live gazette, had scatter’d to disfigure, She had heard; but women hear with more good humour Such aberrations than we men of rigour: Besides, his conduct, since in England, grew more Strict, and his mind assumed a manlier vigour; Because he had, like Alcibiades, The art of living in all climes with ease.

His manner was perhaps the more seductive, Because he ne’er seem’d anxious to seduce; Nothing affected, studied, or constructive Of coxcombry or conquest: no abuse Of his attractions marr’d the fair perspective, To indicate a Cupidon broke loose, And seem to say, ‘Resist us if you can’— Which makes a dandy while it spoils a man.

They are wrong—that ’s not the way to set about it; As, if they told the truth, could well be shown. But, right or wrong, Don Juan was without it; In fact, his manner was his own alone; Sincere he was—at least you could not doubt it, In listening merely to his voice’s tone. The devil hath not in all his quiver’s choice An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.

By nature soft, his whole address held off Suspicion: though not timid, his regard Was such as rather seem’d to keep aloof, To shield himself than put you on your guard: Perhaps ’twas hardly quite assured enough, But modesty ’s at times its own reward, Like virtue; and the absence of pretension Will go much farther than there’s need to mention.