Chapter 26

But from being farmers, we turn gleaners, gleaning The scanty but right-well thresh’d ears of truth; And, gentle reader! when you gather meaning, You may be Boaz, and I—modest Ruth. Farther I’d quote, but Scripture intervening Forbids. Its great impression in my youth Was made by Mrs. Adams, where she cries, ‘That Scriptures out of church are blasphemies.’

But what we can we glean in this vile age Of chaff, although our gleanings be not grist. I must not quite omit the talking sage, Kit-Cat, the famous Conversationist, Who, in his common-place book, had a page Prepared each morn for evenings. ‘List, oh, list!’— ‘Alas, poor ghost!’—What unexpected woes Await those who have studied their bon-mots!

Firstly, they must allure the conversation By many windings to their clever clinch; And secondly, must let slip no occasion, Nor bate (abate) their hearers of an inch, But take an ell—and make a great sensation, If possible; and thirdly, never flinch When some smart talker puts them to the test, But seize the last word, which no doubt ’s the best.

Lord Henry and his lady were the hosts; The party we have touch’d on were the guests: Their table was a board to tempt even ghosts To pass the Styx for more substantial feasts. I will not dwell upon ragouts or roasts, Albeit all human history attests That happiness for man—the hungry sinner!— Since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner.

Witness the lands which ‘flow’d with milk and honey,’ Held out unto the hungry Israelites; To this we have added since, the love of money, The only sort of pleasure which requites. Youth fades, and leaves our days no longer sunny; We tire of mistresses and parasites; But oh, ambrosial cash! Ah! who would lose thee? When we no more can use, or even abuse thee!

The gentlemen got up betimes to shoot, Or hunt: the young, because they liked the sport— The first thing boys like after play and fruit; The middle-aged to make the day more short; For ennui is a growth of English root, Though nameless in our language:—we retort The fact for words, and let the French translate That awful yawn which sleep can not abate.

The elderly walk’d through the library, And tumbled books, or criticised the pictures, Or saunter’d through the gardens piteously, And made upon the hot-house several strictures, Or rode a nag which trotted not too high, Or on the morning papers read their lectures, Or on the watch their longing eyes would fix, Longing at sixty for the hour of six.

But none were ‘gêné:’ the great hour of union Was rung by dinner’s knell; till then all were Masters of their own time—or in communion, Or solitary, as they chose to bear The hours, which how to pass is but to few known. Each rose up at his own, and had to spare What time he chose for dress, and broke his fast When, where, and how he chose for that repast.

The ladies—some rouged, some a little pale— Met the morn as they might. If fine, they rode, Or walk’d; if foul, they read, or told a tale, Sung, or rehearsed the last dance from abroad; Discuss’d the fashion which might next prevail, And settled bonnets by the newest code, Or cramm’d twelve sheets into one little letter, To make each correspondent a new debtor.

For some had absent lovers, all had friends. The earth has nothing like a she epistle, And hardly heaven—because it never ends. I love the mystery of a female missal, Which, like a creed, ne’er says all it intends, But full of cunning as Ulysses’ whistle, When he allured poor Dolon:—you had better Take care what you reply to such a letter.

Then there were billiards; cards, too, but no dice;— Save in the clubs no man of honour plays;— Boats when ’twas water, skating when ’twas ice, And the hard frost destroy’d the scenting days: And angling, too, that solitary vice, Whatever Izaak Walton sings or says; The quaint, old, cruel coxcomb, in his gullet Should have a hook, and a small trout to pull it.

With evening came the banquet and the wine; The conversazione; the duet, Attuned by voices more or less divine (My heart or head aches with the memory yet). The four Miss Rawbolds in a glee would shine; But the two youngest loved more to be set Down to the harp—because to music’s charms They added graceful necks, white hands and arms.

Sometimes a dance (though rarely on field days, For then the gentlemen were rather tired) Display’d some sylph-like figures in its maze; Then there was small-talk ready when required; Flirtation—but decorous; the mere praise Of charms that should or should not be admired. The hunters fought their fox-hunt o’er again, And then retreated soberly—at ten.

The politicians, in a nook apart, Discuss’d the world, and settled all the spheres; The wits watch’d every loophole for their art, To introduce a bon-mot head and ears; Small is the rest of those who would be smart, A moment’s good thing may have cost them years Before they find an hour to introduce it; And then, even then, some bore may make them lose it.

But all was gentle and aristocratic In this our party; polish’d, smooth, and cold, As Phidian forms cut out of marble Attic. There now are no Squire Westerns as of old; And our Sophias are not so emphatic, But fair as then, or fairer to behold. We have no accomplish’d blackguards, like Tom Jones, But gentlemen in stays, as stiff as stones.

They separated at an early hour; That is, ere midnight—which is London’s noon: But in the country ladies seek their bower A little earlier than the waning moon. Peace to the slumbers of each folded flower— May the rose call back its true colour soon! Good hours of fair cheeks are the fairest tinters, And lower the price of rouge—at least some winters.

CANTO THE FOURTEENTH.

If from great nature’s or our own abyss Of thought we could but snatch a certainty, Perhaps mankind might find the path they miss— But then ’twould spoil much good philosophy. One system eats another up, and this Much as old Saturn ate his progeny; For when his pious consort gave him stones In lieu of sons, of these he made no bones.

But System doth reverse the Titan’s breakfast, And eats her parents, albeit the digestion Is difficult. Pray tell me, can you make fast, After due search, your faith to any question? Look back o’er ages, ere unto the stake fast You bind yourself, and call some mode the best one. Nothing more true than not to trust your senses; And yet what are your other evidences?

For me, I know nought; nothing I deny, Admit, reject, contemn; and what know you, Except perhaps that you were born to die? And both may after all turn out untrue. An age may come, Font of Eternity, When nothing shall be either old or new. Death, so call’d, is a thing which makes men weep, And yet a third of life is pass’d in sleep.

A sleep without dreams, after a rough day Of toil, is what we covet most; and yet How clay shrinks back from more quiescent clay! The very Suicide that pays his debt At once without instalments (an old way Of paying debts, which creditors regret) Lets out impatiently his rushing breath, Less from disgust of life than dread of death.

’Tis round him, near him, here, there, every where; And there’s a courage which grows out of fear, Perhaps of all most desperate, which will dare The worst to know it:—when the mountains rear Their peaks beneath your human foot, and there You look down o’er the precipice, and drear The gulf of rock yawns,—you can’t gaze a minute Without an awful wish to plunge within it.

’Tis true, you don’t—but, pale and struck with terror, Retire: but look into your past impression! And you will find, though shuddering at the mirror Of your own thoughts, in all their self-confession, The lurking bias, be it truth or error, To the unknown; a secret prepossession, To plunge with all your fears—but where? You know not, And that’s the reason why you do—or do not.

But what ’s this to the purpose? you will say. Gent. reader, nothing; a mere speculation, For which my sole excuse is—’tis my way; Sometimes with and sometimes without occasion I write what ’s uppermost, without delay: This narrative is not meant for narration, But a mere airy and fantastic basis, To build up common things with common places.

You know, or don’t know, that great Bacon saith, ‘Fling up a straw, ’twill show the way the wind blows;’ And such a straw, borne on by human breath, Is poesy, according as the mind glows; A paper kite which flies ’twixt life and death, A shadow which the onward soul behind throws: And mine ’s a bubble, not blown up for praise, But just to play with, as an infant plays.

The world is all before me—or behind; For I have seen a portion of that same, And quite enough for me to keep in mind;— Of passions, too, I have proved enough to blame, To the great pleasure of our friends, mankind, Who like to mix some slight alloy with fame; For I was rather famous in my time, Until I fairly knock’d it up with rhyme.

I have brought this world about my ears, and eke The other; that ’s to say, the clergy, who Upon my head have bid their thunders break In pious libels by no means a few. And yet I can’t help scribbling once a week, Tiring old readers, nor discovering new. In youth I wrote because my mind was full, And now because I feel it growing dull.

But ‘why then publish?’—There are no rewards Of fame or profit when the world grows weary. I ask in turn,—Why do you play at cards? Why drink? Why read?—To make some hour less dreary. It occupies me to turn back regards On what I’ve seen or ponder’d, sad or cheery; And what I write I cast upon the stream, To swim or sink—I have had at least my dream.

I think that were I certain of success, I hardly could compose another line: So long I’ve battled either more or less, That no defeat can drive me from the Nine. This feeling ’tis not easy to express, And yet ’tis not affected, I opine. In play, there are two pleasures for your choosing— The one is winning, and the other losing.

Besides, my Muse by no means deals in fiction: She gathers a repertory of facts, Of course with some reserve and slight restriction, But mostly sings of human things and acts— And that ’s one cause she meets with contradiction; For too much truth, at first sight, ne’er attracts; And were her object only what ’s call’d glory, With more ease too she’d tell a different story.

Love, war, a tempest—surely there’s variety; Also a seasoning slight of lucubration; A bird’s-eye view, too, of that wild, Society; A slight glance thrown on men of every station. If you have nought else, here’s at least satiety Both in performance and in preparation; And though these lines should only line portmanteaus, Trade will be all the better for these Cantos.

The portion of this world which I at present Have taken up to fill the following sermon, Is one of which there’s no description recent. The reason why is easy to determine: Although it seems both prominent and pleasant, There is a sameness in its gems and ermine, A dull and family likeness through all ages, Of no great promise for poetic pages.

With much to excite, there’s little to exalt; Nothing that speaks to all men and all times; A sort of varnish over every fault; A kind of common-place, even in their crimes; Factitious passions, wit without much salt, A want of that true nature which sublimes Whate’er it shows with truth; a smooth monotony Of character, in those at least who have got any.

Sometimes, indeed, like soldiers off parade, They break their ranks and gladly leave the drill; But then the roll-call draws them back afraid, And they must be or seem what they were: still Doubtless it is a brilliant masquerade; But when of the first sight you have had your fill, It palls—at least it did so upon me, This paradise of pleasure and ennui.

When we have made our love, and gamed our gaming, Drest, voted, shone, and, may be, something more; With dandies dined; heard senators declaiming; Seen beauties brought to market by the score, Sad rakes to sadder husbands chastely taming; There’s little left but to be bored or bore. Witness those ‘ci-devant jeunes hommes’ who stem The stream, nor leave the world which leaveth them.

’Tis said—indeed a general complaint— That no one has succeeded in describing The monde, exactly as they ought to paint: Some say, that authors only snatch, by bribing The porter, some slight scandals strange and quaint, To furnish matter for their moral gibing; And that their books have but one style in common— My lady’s prattle, filter’d through her woman.

But this can’t well be true, just now; for writers Are grown of the beau monde a part potential: I’ve seen them balance even the scale with fighters, Especially when young, for that ’s essential. Why do their sketches fail them as inditers Of what they deem themselves most consequential, The real portrait of the highest tribe? ’Tis that, in fact, there’s little to describe.

‘Haud ignara loquor;’ these are Nugae, ‘quarum Pars parva fui,’ but still art and part. Now I could much more easily sketch a harem, A battle, wreck, or history of the heart, Than these things; and besides, I wish to spare ’em, For reasons which I choose to keep apart. ‘Vetabo Cereris sacrum qui vulgarit—’ Which means that vulgar people must not share it.

And therefore what I throw off is ideal— Lower’d, leaven’d, like a history of freemasons; Which bears the same relation to the real, As Captain Parry’s voyage may do to Jason’s. The grand arcanum ’s not for men to see all; My music has some mystic diapasons; And there is much which could not be appreciated In any manner by the uninitiated.

Alas! worlds fall—and woman, since she fell’d The world (as, since that history less polite Than true, hath been a creed so strictly held) Has not yet given up the practice quite. Poor thing of usages! coerced, compell’d, Victim when wrong, and martyr oft when right, Condemn’d to child-bed, as men for their sins Have shaving too entail’d upon their chins,—

A daily plague, which in the aggregate May average on the whole with parturition. But as to women, who can penetrate The real sufferings of their she condition? Man’s very sympathy with their estate Has much of selfishness, and more suspicion. Their love, their virtue, beauty, education, But form good housekeepers, to breed a nation.

All this were very well, and can’t be better; But even this is difficult, Heaven knows, So many troubles from her birth beset her, Such small distinction between friends and foes, The gilding wears so soon from off her fetter, That—but ask any woman if she’d choose (Take her at thirty, that is) to have been Female or male? a schoolboy or a queen?

‘Petticoat influence’ is a great reproach, Which even those who obey would fain be thought To fly from, as from hungry pikes a roach; But since beneath it upon earth we are brought, By various joltings of life’s hackney coach, I for one venerate a petticoat— A garment of a mystical sublimity, No matter whether russet, silk, or dimity.

Much I respect, and much I have adored, In my young days, that chaste and goodly veil, Which holds a treasure, like a miser’s hoard, And more attracts by all it doth conceal— A golden scabbard on a Damasque sword, A loving letter with a mystic seal, A cure for grief—for what can ever rankle Before a petticoat and peeping ankle?

And when upon a silent, sullen day, With a sirocco, for example, blowing, When even the sea looks dim with all its spray, And sulkily the river’s ripple ’s flowing, And the sky shows that very ancient gray, The sober, sad antithesis to glowing,— ’Tis pleasant, if then any thing is pleasant, To catch a glimpse even of a pretty peasant.

We left our heroes and our heroines In that fair clime which don’t depend on climate, Quite independent of the Zodiac’s signs, Though certainly more difficult to rhyme at, Because the sun, and stars, and aught that shines, Mountains, and all we can be most sublime at, Are there oft dull and dreary as a dun— Whether a sky’s or tradesman’s is all one.

An in-door life is less poetical; And out of door hath showers, and mists, and sleet, With which I could not brew a pastoral. But be it as it may, a bard must meet All difficulties, whether great or small, To spoil his undertaking or complete, And work away like spirit upon matter, Embarrass’d somewhat both with fire and water.

Juan—in this respect, at least, like saints— Was all things unto people of all sorts, And lived contentedly, without complaints, In camps, in ships, in cottages, or courts— Born with that happy soul which seldom faints, And mingling modestly in toils or sports. He likewise could be most things to all women, Without the coxcombry of certain she men.

A fox-hunt to a foreigner is strange; ’Tis also subject to the double danger Of tumbling first, and having in exchange Some pleasant jesting at the awkward stranger: But Juan had been early taught to range The wilds, as doth an Arab turn’d avenger, So that his horse, or charger, hunter, hack, Knew that he had a rider on his back.

And now in this new field, with some applause, He clear’d hedge, ditch, and double post, and rail, And never craned, and made but few ‘faux pas,’ And only fretted when the scent ’gan fail. He broke, ’tis true, some statutes of the laws Of hunting—for the sagest youth is frail; Rode o’er the hounds, it may be, now and then, And once o’er several country gentlemen.

But on the whole, to general admiration He acquitted both himself and horse: the squires Marvell’d at merit of another nation; The boors cried ‘Dang it? who ’d have thought it?’—Sires, The Nestors of the sporting generation, Swore praises, and recall’d their former fires; The huntsman’s self relented to a grin, And rated him almost a whipper-in.

Such were his trophies—not of spear and shield, But leaps, and bursts, and sometimes foxes’ brushes; Yet I must own,—although in this I yield To patriot sympathy a Briton’s blushes,— He thought at heart like courtly Chesterfield, Who, after a long chase o’er hills, dales, bushes, And what not, though he rode beyond all price, Ask’d next day, ‘If men ever hunted twice?’

He also had a quality uncommon To early risers after a long chase, Who wake in winter ere the cock can summon December’s drowsy day to his dull race,— A quality agreeable to woman, When her soft, liquid words run on apace, Who likes a listener, whether saint or sinner,— He did not fall asleep just after dinner;

But, light and airy, stood on the alert, And shone in the best part of dialogue, By humouring always what they might assert, And listening to the topics most in vogue; Now grave, now gay, but never dull or pert; And smiling but in secret—cunning rogue! He ne’er presumed to make an error clearer;— In short, there never was a better hearer.

And then he danced;—all foreigners excel The serious Angles in the eloquence Of pantomime;—he danced, I say, right well, With emphasis, and also with good sense— A thing in footing indispensable; He danced without theatrical pretence, Not like a ballet-master in the van Of his drill’d nymphs, but like a gentleman.

Chaste were his steps, each kept within due bound, And elegance was sprinkled o’er his figure; Like swift Camilla, he scarce skimm’d the ground, And rather held in than put forth his vigour; And then he had an ear for music’s sound, Which might defy a crotchet critic’s rigour. Such classic pas—sans flaws—set off our hero, He glanced like a personified Bolero;

Or, like a flying Hour before Aurora, In Guido’s famous fresco which alone Is worth a tour to Rome, although no more a Remnant were there of the old world’s sole throne. The ‘tout ensemble’ of his movements wore a Grace of the soft ideal, seldom shown, And ne’er to be described; for to the dolour Of bards and prosers, words are void of colour.

No marvel then he was a favourite; A full-grown Cupid, very much admired; A little spoilt, but by no means so quite; At least he kept his vanity retired. Such was his tact, he could alike delight The chaste, and those who are not so much inspired. The Duchess of Fitz-Fulke, who loved ‘tracasserie,’ Began to treat him with some small ‘agacerie.’

She was a fine and somewhat full-blown blonde, Desirable, distinguish’d, celebrated For several winters in the grand, grand monde. I’d rather not say what might be related Of her exploits, for this were ticklish ground; Besides there might be falsehood in what ’s stated: Her late performance had been a dead set At Lord Augustus Fitz-Plantagenet.

This noble personage began to look A little black upon this new flirtation; But such small licences must lovers brook, Mere freedoms of the female corporation. Woe to the man who ventures a rebuke! ’Twill but precipitate a situation Extremely disagreeable, but common To calculators when they count on woman.

The circle smiled, then whisper’d, and then sneer’d; The Misses bridled, and the matrons frown’d; Some hoped things might not turn out as they fear’d; Some would not deem such women could be found; Some ne’er believed one half of what they heard; Some look’d perplex’d, and others look’d profound; And several pitied with sincere regret Poor Lord Augustus Fitz-Plantagenet.

But what is odd, none ever named the duke, Who, one might think, was something in the affair; True, he was absent, and, ’twas rumour’d, took But small concern about the when, or where, Or what his consort did: if he could brook Her gaieties, none had a right to stare: Theirs was that best of unions, past all doubt, Which never meets, and therefore can’t fall out.

But, oh! that I should ever pen so sad a line! Fired with an abstract love of virtue, she, My Dian of the Ephesians, Lady Adeline, Began to think the duchess’ conduct free; Regretting much that she had chosen so bad a line, And waxing chiller in her courtesy, Look’d grave and pale to see her friend’s fragility, For which most friends reserve their sensibility.

There’s nought in this bad world like sympathy: ’Tis so becoming to the soul and face, Sets to soft music the harmonious sigh, And robes sweet friendship in a Brussels lace. Without a friend, what were humanity, To hunt our errors up with a good grace? Consoling us with—‘Would you had thought twice! Ah, if you had but follow’d my advice!’

O Job! you had two friends: one ’s quite enough, Especially when we are ill at ease; They are but bad pilots when the weather ’s rough, Doctors less famous for their cures than fees. Let no man grumble when his friends fall off, As they will do like leaves at the first breeze: When your affairs come round, one way or t’ other, Go to the coffee-house, and take another.

But this is not my maxim: had it been, Some heart-aches had been spared me: yet I care not— I would not be a tortoise in his screen Of stubborn shell, which waves and weather wear not. ’Tis better on the whole to have felt and seen That which humanity may bear, or bear not: ’Twill teach discernment to the sensitive, And not to pour their ocean in a sieve.