Chapter 24

But whether fits, or wits, or harpsichords, Theology, fine arts, or finer stays, May be the baits for gentlemen or lords With regular descent, in these our days, The last year to the new transfers its hoards; New vestals claim men’s eyes with the same praise Of ‘elegant’ et caetera, in fresh batches— All matchless creatures, and yet bent on matches.

But now I will begin my poem. ’Tis Perhaps a little strange, if not quite new, That from the first of Cantos up to this I’ve not begun what we have to go through. These first twelve books are merely flourishes, Preludios, trying just a string or two Upon my lyre, or making the pegs sure; And when so, you shall have the overture.

My Muses do not care a pinch of rosin About what ’s call’d success, or not succeeding: Such thoughts are quite below the strain they have chosen; ’Tis a ‘great moral lesson’ they are reading. I thought, at setting off, about two dozen Cantos would do; but at Apollo’s pleading, If that my Pegasus should not be founder’d, I think to canter gently through a hundred.

Don Juan saw that microcosm on stilts, Yclept the Great World; for it is the least, Although the highest: but as swords have hilts By which their power of mischief is increased, When man in battle or in quarrel tilts, Thus the low world, north, south, or west, or east, Must still obey the high—which is their handle, Their moon, their sun, their gas, their farthing candle.

He had many friends who had many wives, and was Well look’d upon by both, to that extent Of friendship which you may accept or pass, It does nor good nor harm being merely meant To keep the wheels going of the higher class, And draw them nightly when a ticket ’s sent: And what with masquerades, and fetes, and balls, For the first season such a life scarce palls.

A young unmarried man, with a good name And fortune, has an awkward part to play; For good society is but a game, ‘The royal game of Goose,’ as I may say, Where every body has some separate aim, An end to answer, or a plan to lay— The single ladies wishing to be double, The married ones to save the virgins trouble.

I don’t mean this as general, but particular Examples may be found of such pursuits: Though several also keep their perpendicular Like poplars, with good principles for roots; Yet many have a method more reticular— ‘Fishers for men,’ like sirens with soft lutes: For talk six times with the same single lady, And you may get the wedding dresses ready.

Perhaps you’ll have a letter from the mother, To say her daughter’s feelings are trepann’d; Perhaps you’ll have a visit from the brother, All strut, and stays, and whiskers, to demand What ‘your intentions are?’—One way or other It seems the virgin’s heart expects your hand: And between pity for her case and yours, You’ll add to Matrimony’s list of cures.

I’ve known a dozen weddings made even thus, And some of them high names: I have also known Young men who—though they hated to discuss Pretensions which they never dream’d to have shown— Yet neither frighten’d by a female fuss, Nor by mustachios moved, were let alone, And lived, as did the broken-hearted fair, In happier plight than if they form’d a pair.

There’s also nightly, to the uninitiated, A peril—not indeed like love or marriage, But not the less for this to be depreciated: It is—I meant and mean not to disparage The show of virtue even in the vitiated— It adds an outward grace unto their carriage— But to denounce the amphibious sort of harlot, ‘Couleur de rose,’ who ’s neither white nor scarlet.

Such is your cold coquette, who can’t say ‘No,’ And won’t say ‘Yes,’ and keeps you on and off-ing On a lee-shore, till it begins to blow— Then sees your heart wreck’d, with an inward scoffing. This works a world of sentimental woe, And sends new Werters yearly to their coffin; But yet is merely innocent flirtation, Not quite adultery, but adulteration.

‘Ye gods, I grow a talker!’ Let us prate. The next of perils, though I place it sternest, Is when, without regard to ‘church or state,’ A wife makes or takes love in upright earnest. Abroad, such things decide few women’s fate— (Such, early traveller! is the truth thou learnest)— But in old England, when a young bride errs, Poor thing! Eve’s was a trifling case to hers.

For ’tis a low, newspaper, humdrum, lawsuit Country, where a young couple of the same ages Can’t form a friendship, but the world o’erawes it. Then there’s the vulgar trick of those d—d damages! ! A verdict—grievous foe to those who cause it!— Forms a sad climax to romantic homages; Besides those soothing speeches of the pleaders, And evidences which regale all readers.

But they who blunder thus are raw beginners; A little genial sprinkling of hypocrisy Has saved the fame of thousand splendid sinners, The loveliest oligarchs of our gynocracy; You may see such at all the balls and dinners, Among the proudest of our aristocracy, So gentle, charming, charitable, chaste— And all by having tact as well as taste.

Juan, who did not stand in the predicament Of a mere novice, had one safeguard more; For he was sick—no, ’twas not the word sick I meant— But he had seen so much love before, That he was not in heart so very weak;—I meant But thus much, and no sneer against the shore Of white cliffs, white necks, blue eyes, bluer stockings, Tithes, taxes, duns, and doors with double knockings.

But coming young from lands and scenes romantic, Where lives, not lawsuits, must be risk’d for Passion, And Passion’s self must have a spice of frantic, Into a country where ’tis half a fashion, Seem’d to him half commercial, half pedantic, Howe’er he might esteem this moral nation: Besides (alas! his taste—forgive and pity!) At first he did not think the women pretty.

I say at first—for he found out at last, But by degrees, that they were fairer far Than the more glowing dames whose lot is cast Beneath the influence of the eastern star. A further proof we should not judge in haste; Yet inexperience could not be his bar To taste:—the truth is, if men would confess, That novelties please less than they impress.

Though travell’d, I have never had the luck to Trace up those shuffling negroes, Nile or Niger, To that impracticable place, Timbuctoo, Where Geography finds no one to oblige her With such a chart as may be safely stuck to— For Europe ploughs in Afric like ‘bos piger:’ But if I had been at Timbuctoo, there No doubt I should be told that black is fair.

It is. I will not swear that black is white; But I suspect in fact that white is black, And the whole matter rests upon eyesight. Ask a blind man, the best judge. You’ll attack Perhaps this new position—but I’m right; Or if I’m wrong, I’ll not be ta’en aback:— He hath no morn nor night, but all is dark Within; and what seest thou? A dubious spark.

But I’m relapsing into metaphysics, That labyrinth, whose clue is of the same Construction as your cures for hectic phthisics, Those bright moths fluttering round a dying flame; And this reflection brings me to plain physics, And to the beauties of a foreign dame, Compared with those of our pure pearls of price, Those polar summers, all sun, and some ice.

Or say they are like virtuous mermaids, whose Beginnings are fair faces, ends mere fishes;— Not that there’s not a quantity of those Who have a due respect for their own wishes. Like Russians rushing from hot baths to snows Are they, at bottom virtuous even when vicious: They warm into a scrape, but keep of course, As a reserve, a plunge into remorse.

But this has nought to do with their outsides. I said that Juan did not think them pretty At the first blush; for a fair Briton hides Half her attractions—probably from pity— And rather calmly into the heart glides, Than storms it as a foe would take a city; But once there (if you doubt this, prithee try) She keeps it for you like a true ally.

She cannot step as does an Arab barb, Or Andalusian girl from mass returning, Nor wear as gracefully as Gauls her garb, Nor in her eye Ausonia’s glance is burning; Her voice, though sweet, is not so fit to warb— le those bravuras (which I still am learning To like, though I have been seven years in Italy, And have, or had, an ear that served me prettily);—

She cannot do these things, nor one or two Others, in that off-hand and dashing style Which takes so much—to give the devil his due; Nor is she quite so ready with her smile, Nor settles all things in one interview (A thing approved as saving time and toil);— But though the soil may give you time and trouble, Well cultivated, it will render double.

And if in fact she takes to a ‘grande passion,’ It is a very serious thing indeed: Nine times in ten ’tis but caprice or fashion, Coquetry, or a wish to take the lead, The pride of a mere child with a new sash on, Or wish to make a rival’s bosom bleed: But the tenth instance will be a tornado, For there’s no saying what they will or may do.

The reason ’s obvious; if there’s an eclat, They lose their caste at once, as do the Parias; And when the delicacies of the law Have fill’d their papers with their comments various, Society, that china without flaw (The hypocrite!), will banish them like Marius, To sit amidst the ruins of their guilt: For Fame ’s a Carthage not so soon rebuilt.

Perhaps this is as it should be;—it is A comment on the Gospel’s ‘Sin no more, And be thy sins forgiven:’—but upon this I leave the saints to settle their own score. Abroad, though doubtless they do much amiss, An erring woman finds an opener door For her return to Virtue—as they call That lady, who should be at home to all.

For me, I leave the matter where I find it, Knowing that such uneasy virtue leads People some ten times less in fact to mind it, And care but for discoveries and not deeds. And as for chastity, you’ll never bind it By all the laws the strictest lawyer pleads, But aggravate the crime you have not prevented, By rendering desperate those who had else repented.

But Juan was no casuist, nor had ponder’d Upon the moral lessons of mankind: Besides, he had not seen of several hundred A lady altogether to his mind. A little ‘blase’—’tis not to be wonder’d At, that his heart had got a tougher rind: And though not vainer from his past success, No doubt his sensibilities were less.

He also had been busy seeing sights— The Parliament and all the other houses; Had sat beneath the gallery at nights, To hear debates whose thunder roused (not rouses) The world to gaze upon those northern lights Which flash’d as far as where the musk-bull browses; He had also stood at times behind the throne— But Grey was not arrived, and Chatham gone.

He saw, however, at the closing session, That noble sight, when really free the nation, A king in constitutional possession Of such a throne as is the proudest station, Though despots know it not—till the progression Of freedom shall complete their education. ’Tis not mere splendour makes the show august To eye or heart—it is the people’s trust.

There, too, he saw (whate’er he may be now) A Prince, the prince of princes at the time, With fascination in his very bow, And full of promise, as the spring of prime. Though royalty was written on his brow, He had then the grace, too, rare in every clime, Of being, without alloy of fop or beau, A finish’d gentleman from top to toe.

And Juan was received, as hath been said, Into the best society: and there Occurr’d what often happens, I’m afraid, However disciplined and debonnaire:— The talent and good humour he display’d, Besides the mark’d distinction of his air, Exposed him, as was natural, to temptation, Even though himself avoided the occasion.

But what, and where, with whom, and when, and why, Is not to be put hastily together; And as my object is morality (Whatever people say), I don’t know whether I’ll leave a single reader’s eyelid dry, But harrow up his feelings till they wither, And hew out a huge monument of pathos, As Philip’s son proposed to do with Athos.

Here the twelfth Canto of our introduction Ends. When the body of the book ’s begun, You’ll find it of a different construction From what some people say ’twill be when done: The plan at present ’s simply in concoction, I can’t oblige you, reader, to read on; That ’s your affair, not mine: a real spirit Should neither court neglect, nor dread to bear it.

And if my thunderbolt not always rattles, Remember, reader! you have had before The worst of tempests and the best of battles That e’er were brew’d from elements or gore, Besides the most sublime of—Heaven knows what else: An usurer could scarce expect much more— But my best canto, save one on astronomy, Will turn upon ‘political economy.’

That is your present theme for popularity: Now that the public hedge hath scarce a stake, It grows an act of patriotic charity, To show the people the best way to break. My plan (but I, if but for singularity, Reserve it) will be very sure to take. Meantime, read all the national debt-sinkers, And tell me what you think of your great thinkers.

CANTO THE THIRTEENTH.

I now mean to be serious;—it is time, Since laughter now-a-days is deem’d too serious. A jest at Vice by Virtue ’s call’d a crime, And critically held as deleterious: Besides, the sad ’s a source of the sublime, Although when long a little apt to weary us; And therefore shall my lay soar high and solemn, As an old temple dwindled to a column.

The Lady Adeline Amundeville (’Tis an old Norman name, and to be found In pedigrees, by those who wander still Along the last fields of that Gothic ground) Was high-born, wealthy by her father’s will, And beauteous, even where beauties most abound, In Britain—which of course true patriots find The goodliest soil of body and of mind.

I’ll not gainsay them; it is not my cue; I’ll leave them to their taste, no doubt the best: An eye ’s an eye, and whether black or blue, Is no great matter, so ’tis in request, ’Tis nonsense to dispute about a hue— The kindest may be taken as a test. The fair sex should be always fair; and no man, Till thirty, should perceive there’s a plain woman.

And after that serene and somewhat dull Epoch, that awkward corner turn’d for days More quiet, when our moon ’s no more at full, We may presume to criticise or praise; Because indifference begins to lull Our passions, and we walk in wisdom’s ways; Also because the figure and the face Hint, that ’tis time to give the younger place.

I know that some would fain postpone this era, Reluctant as all placemen to resign Their post; but theirs is merely a chimera, For they have pass’d life’s equinoctial line: But then they have their claret and Madeira To irrigate the dryness of decline; And county meetings, and the parliament, And debt, and what not, for their solace sent.

And is there not religion, and reform, Peace, war, the taxes, and what ’s call’d the ‘Nation’? The struggle to be pilots in a storm? The landed and the monied speculation? The joys of mutual hate to keep them warm, Instead of love, that mere hallucination? Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.

Rough Johnson, the great moralist, profess’d, Right honestly, ‘he liked an honest hater!’— The only truth that yet has been confest Within these latest thousand years or later. Perhaps the fine old fellow spoke in jest:— For my part, I am but a mere spectator, And gaze where’er the palace or the hovel is, Much in the mode of Goethe’s Mephistopheles;

But neither love nor hate in much excess; Though ’twas not once so. If I sneer sometimes, It is because I cannot well do less, And now and then it also suits my rhymes. I should be very willing to redress Men’s wrongs, and rather check than punish crimes, Had not Cervantes, in that too true tale Of Quixote, shown how all such efforts fail.

Of all tales ’tis the saddest—and more sad, Because it makes us smile: his hero ’s right, And still pursues the right;—to curb the bad His only object, and ’gainst odds to fight His guerdon: ’tis his virtue makes him mad! But his adventures form a sorry sight; A sorrier still is the great moral taught By that real epic unto all who have thought.

Redressing injury, revenging wrong, To aid the damsel and destroy the caitiff; Opposing singly the united strong, From foreign yoke to free the helpless native:— Alas! must noblest views, like an old song, Be for mere fancy’s sport a theme creative, A jest, a riddle, Fame through thin and thick sought! And Socrates himself but Wisdom’s Quixote?

Cervantes smiled Spain’s chivalry away; A single laugh demolish’d the right arm Of his own country;—seldom since that day Has Spain had heroes. While Romance could charm, The world gave ground before her bright array; And therefore have his volumes done such harm, That all their glory, as a composition, Was dearly purchased by his land’s perdition.

I’m ‘at my old lunes’—digression, and forget The Lady Adeline Amundeville; The fair most fatal Juan ever met, Although she was not evil nor meant ill; But Destiny and Passion spread the net (Fate is a good excuse for our own will), And caught them;—what do they not catch, methinks? But I’m not OEdipus, and life ’s a Sphinx.

I tell the tale as it is told, nor dare To venture a solution: ‘Davus sum!’ And now I will proceed upon the pair. Sweet Adeline, amidst the gay world’s hum, Was the Queen-Bee, the glass of all that ’s fair; Whose charms made all men speak, and women dumb. The last ’s a miracle, and such was reckon’d, And since that time there has not been a second.

Chaste was she, to detraction’s desperation, And wedded unto one she had loved well— A man known in the councils of the nation, Cool, and quite English, imperturbable, Though apt to act with fire upon occasion, Proud of himself and her: the world could tell Nought against either, and both seem’d secure— She in her virtue, he in his hauteur.

It chanced some diplomatical relations, Arising out of business, often brought Himself and Juan in their mutual stations Into close contact. Though reserved, nor caught By specious seeming, Juan’s youth, and patience, And talent, on his haughty spirit wrought, And form’d a basis of esteem, which ends In making men what courtesy calls friends.

And thus Lord Henry, who was cautious as Reserve and pride could make him, and full slow In judging men—when once his judgment was Determined, right or wrong, on friend or foe, Had all the pertinacity pride has, Which knows no ebb to its imperious flow, And loves or hates, disdaining to be guided, Because its own good pleasure hath decided.

His friendships, therefore, and no less aversions, Though oft well founded, which confirm’d but more His prepossessions, like the laws of Persians And Medes, would ne’er revoke what went before. His feelings had not those strange fits, like tertians, Of common likings, which make some deplore What they should laugh at—the mere ague still Of men’s regard, the fever or the chill.

‘’Tis not in mortals to command success: But do you more, Sempronius—don’t deserve it,’ And take my word, you won’t have any less. Be wary, watch the time, and always serve it; Give gently way, when there’s too great a press; And for your conscience, only learn to nerve it, For, like a racer, or a boxer training, ’Twill make, if proved, vast efforts without paining.

Lord Henry also liked to be superior, As most men do, the little or the great; The very lowest find out an inferior, At least they think so, to exert their state Upon: for there are very few things wearier Than solitary Pride’s oppressive weight, Which mortals generously would divide, By bidding others carry while they ride.

In birth, in rank, in fortune likewise equal, O’er Juan he could no distinction claim; In years he had the advantage of time’s sequel; And, as he thought, in country much the same— Because bold Britons have a tongue and free quill, At which all modern nations vainly aim; And the Lord Henry was a great debater, So that few members kept the house up later.

These were advantages: and then he thought— It was his foible, but by no means sinister— That few or none more than himself had caught Court mysteries, having been himself a minister: He liked to teach that which he had been taught, And greatly shone whenever there had been a stir; And reconciled all qualities which grace man, Always a patriot, and sometimes a placeman.

He liked the gentle Spaniard for his gravity; He almost honour’d him for his docility; Because, though young, he acquiesced with suavity, Or contradicted but with proud humility. He knew the world, and would not see depravity In faults which sometimes show the soil’s fertility, If that the weeds o’erlive not the first crop— For then they are very difficult to stop.

And then he talk’d with him about Madrid, Constantinople, and such distant places; Where people always did as they were bid, Or did what they should not with foreign graces. Of coursers also spake they: Henry rid Well, like most Englishmen, and loved the races; And Juan, like a true-born Andalusian, Could back a horse, as despots ride a Russian.

And thus acquaintance grew, at noble routs, And diplomatic dinners, or at other— For Juan stood well both with Ins and Outs, As in freemasonry a higher brother. Upon his talent Henry had no doubts; His manner show’d him sprung from a high mother; And all men like to show their hospitality To him whose breeding matches with his quality.

At Blank-Blank Square;—for we will break no squares By naming streets: since men are so censorious, And apt to sow an author’s wheat with tares, Reaping allusions private and inglorious, Where none were dreamt of, unto love’s affairs, Which were, or are, or are to be notorious, That therefore do I previously declare, Lord Henry’s mansion was in Blank-Blank Square.

Also there bin another pious reason For making squares and streets anonymous; Which is, that there is scarce a single season Which doth not shake some very splendid house With some slight heart-quake of domestic treason— A topic scandal doth delight to rouse: Such I might stumble over unawares, Unless I knew the very chastest squares.

’Tis true, I might have chosen Piccadilly, A place where peccadillos are unknown; But I have motives, whether wise or silly, For letting that pure sanctuary alone. Therefore I name not square, street, place, until I Find one where nothing naughty can be shown, A vestal shrine of innocence of heart: Such are—but I have lost the London Chart.

At Henry’s mansion then, in Blank-Blank Square, Was Juan a recherche, welcome guest, As many other noble scions were; And some who had but talent for their crest; Or wealth, which is a passport every where; Or even mere fashion, which indeed ’s the best Recommendation; and to be well drest Will very often supersede the rest.

And since ‘there’s safety in a multitude Of counsellors,’ as Solomon has said, Or some one for him, in some sage, grave mood;— Indeed we see the daily proof display’d In senates, at the bar, in wordy feud, Where’er collective wisdom can parade, Which is the only cause that we can guess Of Britain’s present wealth and happiness;—