SCENE III.
_Y. Brownschweiger’s living room again. Granny Aunshitz in her arm-chair, troubled with a cough. Sallie dusting furniture. Looks out of window._
SALLIE. Es shtupt en buggy for der deer. (_Looks again._) Sis so gwiss der duckter and seller Shwinefelt widder. Wos for business hut seller karl do, wunner ich? Ich will hoffa see hen zunacht gessa. Ich will hite net noch mul kocha. Ich bin getired. (_Enter SHWINEFELT and DR. FRAUD._)
DR. Good evening, Miss Sallie! Is der dad net dahame?
(_SHWINEFELT nods, etc._)
SALLIE. Yo, er is noch in der shire. Ich will em roofa. Nemmt eich sits. (_Exit._)
DR. (_Loud._) Wee mochts by eich ols, grosmommy?
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. (_Louder._) Wee mochts, etc., etc.
GRANNY. (_Coughing._) O, orrig shlecht. Ich glaub os ich de ouszaring hob. Ich hob so en greislicher hushta! (_Enter YOKLE._)
DR. Yacub, wee gates!
YOKLE. So, es mus gute sy!
DR. (_Seats himself near GRANNY._) Ich will eich ebbes zuwaig mocha dos der hushta gute mocht. (_Feels pulse and looks at watch._) Seit so gute und shtate mol uf.
GRANNY. Hăh?
DR. Shtate mol uf.
GRANNY. (_With difficulty rises._) Wos no?
DR. Ich will emol horicha wee eier lung shoft.
GRANNY. Yaw, dee shoft nix may!
(_DR. places ear first on one side of chest then on the other. Meanwhile SHWINEFELT retires to one side of stage and converses with YOKLE._)
SHWINEFELT. (_To YOKLE._) Des is de besht business os du noch ny bisht. Ich bin sure os see in de Five Valley Co. gait. Der Dr. fixed de bobbeera all recht. Of course mir missa een bazawla. Er will $25 for des, ovver sell kenna mir awe afforda zu gevva! (_To DR._) Och, Dr., du brouchsht net so pertickler sy. Sell is shon long ganunk dorich dee motions gonga.
DR. (_To GRANNY._) Sell doots.
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. Sell doots. Now kent der eich widder setza.
GRANNY. Denksht es wart now goot?
DR. Ich will eich eppes gevva for dee levver. De levver shoft net.
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. (_Louder._) Ire levver shoft net recht.
GRANNY. Ferwas net? (_Enter IKE, listens._)
DR. (_Loud._) I, dee goll de shoft ivvershich, und won deer shnouft, no pressed der—der—_diaphragm_ uf der _duodenum_ und sell mocht eich shmertza in dee _bronikle_ tubes. Fershtate deer?
IKE. (_Aside._) Gott im himmel! Wos der Dr. net so feel wase!
GRANNY. O, yaw! Sell fershtain ich wohl!
DR. Well, (_motions with fingers on palms, etc._) now mist deer eppes hovva dos dorich der _esophagus_ gait und dorich der _pyloric orifice_, no kommets in der _duodenum_, un shoft uf dee _bronikles_ dorich dee _pneumogastrie nerve_. (_Spits and takes chew._)
IKE (_Aside._) All mechtiger! Ich hob geglaubt sell letsht date 'n ferwariga!
DR. (_Hunts in saddle-bags._) Dorich dee _pneumogastric nerve_—und—und—gook! do is es! des is fom Brown sina mixtures.
GRANNY. Wos! (_Coughs._)
DR. (_Yells in her ear_) Zway tayleffle full 4 mols dogs.
GRANNY. Feer tayleffle full zway mols dogs. Yaw well.
DR. (_Louder._) Nay, 2 taylefflle full 4 mols dogs!
GRANNY. Aw nochts?
DR. Yaw, aw 4 mol nochts!
GRANNY. Won mer ovver shloft!
DR. No nemmt mer’s yusht drey [3] mole.
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. (_Louder._) I no shloft mer!
GRANNY. O! Wos mainsht don for dem Awdorn tay for’s kolt.
DR. Seller is aw goot.
GRANNY. Ich drink olly ovet en cuply foll. Derf ich grumbeera soop essa do dazu? (_Tastes medicine and sets it down. IKE sneaks up and tastes also, makes faces._)
IKE. (_Aside._) Es shmokt graut os wee der tay! Phuy!
DR. O, yaw! (_YOKLE and SHWINEFELT going through a dumb show as if conversing and figuring out a problem in arithmetic._)
SHWINEFELT. Well, Dr., ich denk mer missa gay.
IKE. Duckter, mol do! Ich hob do so en wortzel. Waisht do wos forichy os es is! Ich glaub os des gute wair for der mawga. (_Aside._) By sourkrout!
DR. Wo husht’s grickt?
IKE. I, es woxt drous im bush. (_DR. smells at it, looks at it, bites and tastes._)
DR. Des is fon der wisa shlonga worzel.
IKE. (_Laughing and moving off._) Ah, ha, ha, ha, ya, ha! Sis yo en gedarrter sei shwontz! He, ha, ya, ha, ho, ho, ho!—etc. (_Curtain descends._)